Category: Gilded Tarot

Daily Draw: Ace of Pentacles (R)

First Impressions:  Loss of money, disillusioned, loss of wholeness

Book:  Gift of resources, health issues, lack of firm opportunity, refusing to play it safe, be careful about finances, delays

Guidance:  Do not undervalue this gift, shift your priorities, stay put for now, be cautious financially

Journaling

Interesting card to draw.  I’m not sure what it means, but I will pay attention.  My gut tells me it is not about money, but about health and that I need to make this the year to truly pay attention to my body.  I know I need to cut the sugar as it is literally killing me.  But that means I need to develop alternative energy sources.  My current strategy is to just keep sucking down sugar, but that’s not working.  I need to eat slower burning energy sources that will give me longer lasting energy.

July 7, 2018

I am still sucking down too much sugar and starches and not eating the right things at all.  I am abusing my body and there are days I feel like an alcoholic as I just crave the stuff and I cannot stop drinking soda.  I don’t know what the solution is, but maybe it is to take a week off and spend some time getting in touch with my body and figuring out what feels right.

I also need to dig back into the Good Mood cookbook.  It has such good guidance in it, but I haven’t made the time or energy to dig into it.  I am going to commit to reading it this month and putting the principles into practice next month as I will be home most of the month.

Daily Draw: Seven of Wands (R)

First Impressions:  Letting go of the need to fight

Book:  Apathy, timidity, being defenseless or overpowered, relaxing your defenses, being overly defensive

Guidance: Relax, you have nothing to prove and no need to defend

Journaling

This card does bring up the feelings of inadequacy m y mother always brings out in me.  She just reduces me to a child, but I am starting to realize that this is all her bullshit and not mine.  The Facebook thing was her being greedy and selfish and thinking only of herself.

July 7, 2018

I’m finally getting to the point that I just don’t care about her bullshit.  I don’t even know if the bitch is greedy and selfish or if she is just clueless.  As I think about growing up with her, I am starting to realize that she is just clueless.  She doesn’t even realize the impact that her words have on others and she just blurts out the first thing that is in her head.  She has no filter and is literally incapable of thinking of anyone else’s feelings.

I don’t know if I will ever get to the point where she won’t matter and I will have totally mitigated her influence, but It is getting easier and easier to let go of her influence.  Some days it is harder than others and I really have to work at reminding myself that her opinions don’t matter and that all the negativity is her insecurities and not mine.  Other days it is not that hard at all.

Daily Draw: Three of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Joy, moving on

Book:  Protecting the heart, letting go of pain, forgiveness, path to recovery, accepting pain and loss and moving on
Guidance:  Letting go and move on, accept the situation
Journaling
What a perfect card to pick today.  I definitely feel like I’m moving on and letting the past go.  I’ve accepted that I can’t help help her or change her unless she wants help and to change and it’s clear she would rather sit there and whine and be passive aggressive rather than move on and get help.
She is so insecure that she can’t contemplate being wrong because it would shatter her self image.  I feel so much empathy because I used to be like that.  If anyone accused me of something or told me that I was wrong, I put my shields up.  I thought if I was wrong about anything it reflected on my worth as a person.  I’ve learned to let go of that and accept that I’m human.  I had to want to change.  I guess I’m also uncomfortable about confronting my m
July 1, 2018
One of the lessons that I’m learning about life is that sometimes I need to choose to let go of my need to be right in order to keep harmony.  That doesn’t mean degrading myself, it just means accepting that somethings are truly not mine to control and that I need to let go of the need to control everyone to let other people have their own lives.
I’m doing that with Cam right now.  I have to let go of my need to harp on her job and to point out all the things that are wrong with her job.  Instead, I have to love and support her to the best of my ability.  

Daily Draw: Nine of Wands

First Impressions:  Resting

Book:  Not expecting failure, puzzled, retreat and regroup, take time to reflect, withdraw, to heal , to learn.  Not letting his guard down, stick to his guns, a survivor

Guidance:  Hold the fort, learn from the past, stick to your guns

Journaling

I know I’m right in the mom situation and I know expanding more energy on her will only hurt me, but the little girl in me wants a mom who is willing to concede and wants to regress to a little girl.  I can’t do that.  I have come too far and worked too hard to get where I am.

The grownup part of me realizes she is toxic and will never change.  She is stuck in the mother knows best mindset and she is unwilling to learn a new way.  One of the things I have learned from program is that you can only help the willing.  It is not that I am leaving her.  I am shining a light and she is unwilling to follow.  She is stuck in denial and defensiveness and is unwilling to seek or accept help.

July 1, 2018

Although I’m not proud of my behavior the last few days and I’ve had a few tantrums and not been very nice to be around, at the end of the day, I have accepted that I have behaved like an ass and I’m working to make amends and repair my relationships.  I did have my moments of defensiveness where I was angry that Cam said I was just like my mother and I was angry at her, but then I took a step back and realized that I was behaving like my mother and I wasn’t liking what I was seeing in the mirror.

Even though I did not do it perfectly and even though I behaved like an ass, I am proud of myself for taking the step back and realizing that I could do better and that I needed to do better.  I am not perfect, but I am a human becoming and that is a good thing.

Daily Draw: Death

First Impressions:  Change, letting go of things

Book: If you want to move past this point, you need to move past death.  Death of the ego.  Ending of all kinds, letting go

Guidance:  Beware of the fear of change, let go of old thoughts, create closure

Journaling

I have to let go of wanting my mother to be someone she’s not.  I have to accept that, for whatever reason, she is incapable of growth and change.  She can’t be the mother than I need or want her to be.  That means that I need to find loving and supporting relationships with others.

The good thing is that I have grown and changed over the past six years and I’m in a place where I will no longer accept disrespect.

July 1, 2018

Funny, that this was where I started my evening of scribing.  Cam and I got into it yesterday and she said that nothing was ever good enough for me and that I was just like my mother.  Needless to say that hurt a lot and made me do some serious soul searching.  I realized that I was doing exactly the same thing to her that my mother did to me.  I was making her doubt herself and what she was wanting in her life.

I don’t like her being worked like a dog and having a constantly changing schedule.  However, as long as we work it out so she is not inconveniencing anyone else with her crazy schedule, it’s my job to support her and love her and make her life a little easier if I can.  This really is about the death of the ego and of letting go and trusting her to make the best decisions that she can.  It is not as if she is out dealing drugs on the sidewalk.  She is working to help people and I should support her and not put her down.

Part of this is about my ego and the realization that in a lot of ways she is a better person than I will ever be.  I cannot give that freely and unconditionally of myself, especially to people who are unappreciative.  My ego wants to be recognized and if people are not recognizing my ego, I’m struggling with the entire situation.

Ace of Cups

First Impressions:  I have mixed feelings about this card.  I love the moon phases, but they eye always strikes me as a little creepy.  The Ace of Cups is about emotional fulfillment.
Book:  Idealism, romance, spiritual love is meant to guide us, drawn along by feelings, do not run, giving or receiving love or blessings.
Guidance:  Do not run from your emotions, identify and express your feelings.
Journaling
This is a hard card for me to receive today.  I’m feeling mired in feelings of aloneness, shame, and despair.  Part of me feels like I should not have spoken out to my mother, but then I am so tired of keeping my silence.  I’m tired of being too nice.  I could totally relate to Minty (from a book I read) in that I just took it.  I kept nodding m y head and acquiescing even when it was something I didn’t want.  
I learned from my mother that my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter and that she fucking knew best.  Like the goddamned bumper sticker that she scraped off my car that I was paying for.  she was so concerned about what people would think so that without even asking she scraped it off my car.  And when I called the bitch on it, she gave me some bullshit about not wanting it in her yard.  What she was too stupid to get is that she had no right to mess with my belongings and that she could have asked me to move or to just back in.  But no, she took matters into her own hands and took it off the car.
That’s what she always did.  She never considered my feelings at all.  It was all about appearances and what she fucking wanted.  It was just like when she planted those stupid flowers in my plant, then had the audacity to be upset when I took them out. 

January 25, 2018
Wow!  I’ve finally realize why I get so upset with the maids messing with my stuff.  It all goes back to the total disrespect my mother has shown me my entire life.  She never listens and always thinks she knows best.  Even when I told her to leave the dishes, she would do them and then put them in stupid places.  
Reading this, it seems I still have a whole lot of anger over how my mother treated me growing up.  Well the good news is that I am no longer under her thumb and if I ever let her back in my life, I’m strong enough to tell her to go F* herself if she exhibits that same behavior.

Eight of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  I love this image as the swords almost seem made of light instead of steel.  It reinforces the impression that the person can escape of their own volition.  Reversed this card is about being released from constraints.

Book:  Passive aggressive behavior, acting helpless, clarity, overcoming restrictions, ready to move on, prone to self sabotage

Guidance:  Be aware of giving into your helplessness, worry solves and changes nothing

Journaling

This is a rough card to receive today.  Yes I know the path forward is to let go of X and start meeting people, but that sucks.  I have no f*ing desire to go on random dates when 90% of the guys available suck.

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I was a little whiny when I first met this.  It’s interesting that over the past year, I’ve had the chance to observe older (i.e 30+) guys who are single and they are all so desperate.  It’s like they cannot stand being alone and they jump from person to person to person.  I don’t know if they dislike having to face themselves in the mirror or what, but I find it a little pathetic.

I don’t really dislike being alone as it gives me the opportunity to work on myself and to get to truly know who I am.  That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone in my life, but I want the right person in my life.  I don’t just want to fill up space with whoever is available.  I want someone who is emotionally mature, who is kind, who is loving, and is comfortable in his own skin.  I don’t want someone who wants/needs me to meet all his needs.

Two of Wands (R)

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First Impressions:  What I love about this card is it is clearly about choices and choosing between two options.  I also love the deer standing in the path as it makes me think of my back yard.  Reversed this card tell me that I might be putting off decisions.

Book;  Follow your gut, do not tarry, make your move, acting on a decision, fear of poverty, boredom

Guidance:  Don’t spoil things over boredom

Journaling:

I’m feeling so lost and lonely right now.  I want a simple life with someone who loves me.  The problem is that this is not a decision I can make.  I have to be passive and that’s hard.

January 25, 2017

I’ve realized over the past year or so that I do not have to be passive in my search for love and I do not have to do the stupid online dating sites either.  My job is simply to open myself up for love by eliminating the things standing between me and love.  Those things include emotional clutter such as anger and resentment and physical clutter.  I’m working on letting go of the emotional baggage and taking steps to meet new people.  Those are very positive steps I can make.  I’m also working on forgiveness and letting go of the anger.  My anger can eat me up sometimes as I think John and my mother both screwed me up, but holding on to that anger serves no useful purpose.  I need to let go of the anger, learn the lessons, and move on.

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card and I love the colors.  One of my first impressions is that the knight is riding into battle into the sunset.  Despite being a card of swords and decisiveness, this card is kind of dreamy and romantic.  Reversed, this card is about losing control.
Book:  Stifling anger, staying silent, lack of commitment, vengefullness, continue to have thoughts and attitudes that are causing you problems.
Guidance:  Listen before speaking, speak your mind.
Journaling:
I am seething right now and the problem is that I don’t even know who to be angry at.  I guess I’m angry at the universe because I don’t have the one thing that I truly want in my life.  I want love. I want someone to care about me and to worry about me.  I don’t want more responsibility in my life.  I don’t want to be A’s teacher.  I’m sorry, , I am saying what’s in it for me and finding the answer to be nothing.  I know people have guided me and mentored me, but I have nothing left to give right now.  I’m totally tapped out and I don’t have the energy.  
And yes, I’m really angry.  It is another Christmas and I’m all alone.  I want someone to share my life with, I’m tired of being alone and living alone.  This is no fun.  
They just gave me an interesting message that if i want someone to snuggle with, I need to create room to snuggle.
January 25, 2018
Interesting rereading this as I’ve been really working to get rid of the clutter in my life.  A big part of my putting my journals online is so that I can get rid of the emotional baggage.  As I read through all of these entries, I’m looking at what the lessons are and letting go of the pain that goes along with the journal entries.  I’m also working on cleaning up my space and getting rid of things that I don’t need or that no longer serve me.

Justice (Reversed)

Justice
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows justice in a triangle with the sun the bottom and her holding two arms of the triangle.  It is a striking card.  Justice is blind.  Reversed this card says I’m not making balanced decisions.

Book:  Pausing for a self check, not recognizing we are out of balance, psychic imbalance

Guidance:  Embrace the chaos, live in love, take time to balance your energy

Journaling:

Interesting card as I could read this many ways.  I could read it as being out of balance and listening to other people instead of myself.  I could also read it as a perversion of justice and things that should happen, not flowing they way they should.  I think i’m just going to sit with it and see what happens.

January 25, 2018

This card is again a warning that I’m out of balance.  This week was physically rough as I got pulled in multiple directions for OCM and had to be responsive even though I had no extra time.  I am mindful of people pulling  my consultants in multiple directions, but there is no one who does that for me.  I’m left to my own devices with people continually tugging on me.  The problem is that it it really isn’t a lot of work, but the distractions make me lose focus.

On the plus side, I’ve been getting better about managing my own energy needs and saying no to things that are just energy sucks.  It isn’t always easy, but I’m doing it.