Category: Gilded Tarot

Daily Draw: Wheel of Fortune

First Impressions;  Changes, endings, and beginnings

Book:  Life is full of cycles, events being good or bad based on ow we view them, destiny, life, death and rebirth

Guidance:  Be centered and secure, recognize the effect the past has on the present

Journaling

Interesting card considering the exercise I’m planning.  I want to go through key touch points in my life and pull a card to give advice to my younger self.  I’m a little hesitant, but it’s something I feel called to do.  I want to make peace with my past so I can let it go and move on.  I feel like I have grown and changed so much and I’m ready to dig in some pieces of my past that are painful.  I think the seeds of my present are there and I need to make piece with who I was. 

Writing the letters was amazingly powerful.  All the cards were dead on.  The one I struggled with was eight of pentacles, but I finally realized that it was about focusing on work and not forming attachments.  Pretty spot on.

July 1, 2018

The exercise of pulling cards for pieces of my life is still one of the most powerful Tarot exercises I have ever done.  To actually look at and address the painful pieces of my life and speak to who I was.  Although, I cannot change the past, looking back with compassion and acknowledging my pain was incredibly powerful and was really healing.

Daily Draw: The Empress

First Impressions:  Fertility, creativity

Book:  No want, no need, no lack, manifestation, mother archetype, creation and passion, nurture and give birth to a project, tap into the energy of mother earth

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, let your creativity flow, create beauty, take care of yourself

Journaling

What a wonderful card to pull today.  This card reminds me of the beauty and wonder in the world.  It also reminds me that I am capable of mothering myself.  And I am reminded that throughout my life, I have chose to live.  I am worthy of living and being loved and I deserve to have attachments.  It was wrong of my grandmother to say not to get attached to me. I am worth being attached to and I am worth loving.

July 7, 2018

It makes me so sad to think about my younger self going through life thinking that she wasn’t worthy of love.  In a lot of ways, I think that is why I accepted John’s bullshit as deep down I did not think I was worthy of love so I was willing to settle for whatever little scraps I could get even if I paid a very high price for them.  I’ve realized in the last few years that I am an amazing person and I am worthy of love.  I deserve to have someone in my life who loves me and accepts me just the way I am. 

It has taken me 50 years to accept and know deep in my soul that I am worthy of love, but I am and anyone who thinks differently is wrong.

Daily Draw: Five of Wands

First Impressions:  Conflict

Book:  Learning your own strengths and weaknesses, helping ourselves and others, old flaws are challenged

Guidance:  Do your best for your own good and the good of others, shake things up and see what happens

Journaling

This card about competing with others to make everyone better.  I’m not sure why I pulled this card today, but it gives me something to reflect on.  I do know that I need to be my best self, but I’m not positive what that means.  I guess it is something to reflect on.

July 7, 2018

I’ve always viewed competition one of two ways:  Either I had to be so good that I was going to obliterate the other person or I was going to walk away and not compete.  Maybe I need to change how I look at competition and look at it as a collaboration with people pushing the other person to be their best self.

Collaboration and working with others is something that is really difficult for me.  I much prefer to do things my own way and I always feel like anyone that I work with is in competition with me.  Maybe I need to think about this as others pushing me to be my best self.  I don’t know if I will ever be  that enlightened.

Daily Draw: Hermit

First Impressions:  Go within, listen to your inner wisdom

Book:  Self knowledge, withdraw, contemplate what you know, solitude, self examination

Guidance: Do not withdraw too long

Journaling

What a perfect card to draw today.  This reflects where I am and my need to listen to my body.  I’ve been feeding it sugar to shut it up, but my body is just screaming louder and louder .  My life is finally starting to be what I want, but I am killing myself with sugar.

Dearest Beloveds,

Please change me into someone with natural health and vitality who does not need sugar to make it through the day.  Please help me to be someone with natural vitality who feels good with her body and treats her body with respect.

July 7, 2018

It’s interesting that this was Christmas and I didn’t touch on that once.  I’m not sure why.  We had a good Christmas that year and a beautiful treat that was in front of the window.  We didn’t know it at the time, but it was Luke’s last Christmas with us. 

John always called me a hermit and i always took offense, but I’m realizing that he was right, i am a hermit.  I don’t like parties and crowds and that there is nothing wrong with that.  It’s okay to to be a hermit and not a social butterfly.  I’m finally learning to truly accept me for me and embrace who I am.  That is so huge for me.

Daily Draw: King of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Be kinder

Book:  Biased decision, dismissing feelings, not playing by the rules, suspending judgement, ruthless action, accept you cannot change people, lack of decisiveness

Guidance:  Feel More, judge and analyze less

Journaling

I don’t make decisions decisively and implement them when they come to my body.  I know sugar is really bad for me and make s me feel horrible, but I keep sucking it down  I need to let go.  I’m also not very decisive about my X decision.  I let go, then snatch it back.  I need to just let go.

July 8, 2018

Letting go is really hard for me.  I need to figure out why sugar has such a draw for me.  No, I don’t.  Sugar is a physically addictive substance and I am addicted.  This is not about me being weak or having a lack of willpower.  It is literally about being addicted to a substance.  I need to go back to the 12 steps and apply them to sugar.  I am just addicted.  I think I am going to try going to Food Addicts Anonymous meetings to see if that helps.  I’m going to order the literature, then make a decision about the meeting

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First impressions:  Juggling

Book:  Full life, ability to keep everything flowing resourceful, flexible, accountability

Guidance:  Be aware of overdoing for the sake of admiration of others

Journaling

This card for me is about juggling various tasks and trying to stay in balance.  There are days I feel so completely unbalanced and I know my sugar addiction is a big part of the reason.  I see sweets and go nuts.  My body just has to have sugar even though I know it is killing me.  I see my numbers go up and up when I have sugar, but I can’t stop shoving it in my face.  I guess that is how alcohol and cigarettes are for John.  He knows they are killing him, but he can’t stop.

Dearest ones, please change me into someone who is loving and non-judgemental.  Help me to remember that everyone has different struggles and some of those struggles are with addiction.  Please help me to let go of my need for sugar.  Please help me break its hold on me.

July 9, 2018

I’m realizing the more I start loving myself that my sugar addiction is truly an addiction.  it is not a matter of will power, being a crappy person, or having a death wish.  It is an addiction and it truly has a grip on me.  I need to work to turn it over and to find resources to help me heal.

Daily Draw: Hanging Man (R)

First Impressions:  Stuck in one mode, unable to consider different points of view

Book;  Being too self righteous, false spirituality, too preoccupied with material issues, not sharing wisdom and grace, an end to a trying time

Guidance:  Show wisdom and grace to others, take back your power

Journaling

This card is hitting me today as the word’s wisdom and grace are jumping out at me.  I also need to show wisdom and grace to myself.  I beat myself up for my thoughts instead of just letting go and releasing them.  My thoughts are my thoughts.  It is only when I dwell on them that they cause me problems.  I need to just let them go.  I need to go back to doing a good box this year as that has truly helped.

This card is incredibly deep and I don’t know whether to read it as taking back my power or offering forgiveness and grace.  Maybe it is truly both because offering grace is a way of claiming my own power.  I’m no longer in a place where others have power over me  This is a lot of where I’m at with X.  I have given him so much power over me for so long that it feels weird to be taking back my power and my need for him.  I’m also just discovered this amazing book called Change Me Prayers and I’m realizing that I need to surrender my need for control.  I’ve started praying for the one who is right for me to come into my life and that is a little uncomfortable because I’m used to driving and choosing.  But I need to sit back and surrender is driving me crazy.

July 8, 2018

The theme of surrender has been coming up again and again for me.  It is also something that I truly struggle with as I love to be in control  Cam and I were talking today about how it is easier to surrender when you are in a plane because there is truly nothing I can do to change what happens.  It is harder to surrender everyday life when I think that I should be able to change things.  However, there are so many things in life that I cannot change and I cannot even influence. 

I’ve actually put up an Isis altar and I’m going to work on surrendering things to her and imaging her taking things in her loving arms.

Daily Draw: Seven of Cups

First Impressions:  Choices

Book:  Distraction, faced with many choices, be aware of distractions, temptation, at a crossroads, wishful thinking

Guidance:  Be aware of distraction, find inspiration where you can, exercise greater patience and self control

Journaling

This was a great card today as I am in a place of choices.  I can choose to continue believing X is strong enough to do the right thing or accept that this has all been an illusion.  I do believe that he has feelings for me, but I also have to accept that he is weak.  He wasn’t able to tell me why he’s not talking tome and that’s rude.  A part of me is drawing parallels to walking away form my mother, but they really aren’t the same as I am self aware enough to know my weaknesses and she is not.

There is a possibility that my last exchange, but i don’t think so.  I think the truth is that he has feelings for me that he can’t acknowledge and that makes him uncomfortable.  Or his wife told him to stop talking to me.  Either way, it is really weak to just walk away after all the time we’ve been friends.  I deserve better than that.

July 8, 2018

This was just another one of those times where we stopped talking for a short period of time, then were right back to talking to one another.  I’m really tired of the dance, but I don’t know how to stop dancing.  There is this pull between us and I don’t know how to stop.  Yes, I do.  If I really wanted to stop the dance, I could cut the cord.

Daily Draw: King of Wands (R)

First Impressions:  Loss of Passion

Book:  Be careful, be aware of recklessness, inability to move forward, need to move forward, hesitating, uncertainty

Guidance:  Be more assertive, be more confident

Journaling

This card fits where i am today as I have been dragging my heels about this course that I’m creating.  I think the root cause is that I am afraid to go into the darkness again.  I’m afraid of opening doors that I thought I’d closed.  However, there is a reason this is coming up now so I will honor the process and go back into my darkness.

July 8, 2018

Interesting when I read this and think about the actual meanings of the words.  I haven’t worked on my course in a while and I think it is because I’ve learned the lessons and it really is time for me to move forward.  I don’t need to go back into the darkness and I don’t owe it to anyone to guide them or help them.  I guide my kids and I provide for them and I don’t need to give my all to anyone. 

I’ve also found that my daily and weekly tarot practices are helping me to dig into the darkness without becoming overwhelmed.  I find so much healing in tarot and the discipline of pulling a card everyday really helps to to get all the junk out in a deliberate way.

Daily Draw: Four of Cups

First Impressions:  Receiving

Book:  Suspicious, reluctant, bored, self absorbed, unable to appreciate goodness, disappointment with the status quo

Guidance:  Notice the gift, be open to receive, accept that you are worthy

Journaling

This card is about getting out of my self absorbed state and being willing to listen to the universe and receive gifts that are being offered.

One of the biggest gifts I have is that my body is still responsive to non-traditional ways of treating my diabetes.  Exercise still brings my blood sugar down.  For me it is about deciding I want health and being open to healing. It is so easy to turn to sugar for a quick energy hit, but all that does is create a downward spiral because it over taxes my body more and more.  I need to accept that I am going to deal with crap for a while while my body heals, but I won’t start feeling better until I start listening to what my body truly wants and needs instead of just giving in to the quick sugar fix.  I might also need to go back to oatmeal for breakfast.  I know why I fell off the sugar wagon before, it was because I was doing all the right things and my blood sugar was dropping, but I wasn’t losing weight so I got frustrated.

My real solution needs to be about focusing on how I feel instead of focusing on the numbers on the scale.  I did feel a lot better and had a lot more energy, but the minute I start feeling tired I go racing back to sugar and the whole damn cycle starts all over again.  At the end of the day, I don’t want to die and I want to be here for my kids and giving up sugar is one way to increase the odds of that happening.

July 7, 2018

All of what I said above is true and things that I still need to work on, but what struck me as I read the guidance this go round was to accept that you are worthy.  That is something I’ve had to struggle with my entire life.  I’ve worked hard for everything that I have, but I have never truly accepted that I am worthy just as a human being and that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone.  I am a beautifully flawed and amazing person just the way I am and I don’t need to change to be worthy of having good things in my life. 

I think that’s why X’s friendship is such a blessing in my life.  He is the first person that has ever truly loved me unconditionally with no strings attached.  He wants nothing from me, but our friendship and that is so refreshing.  Yes he can be annoying with his advice sometimes, but he gives the advice because he loves me and not because he is trying to fit me into some mold or because I embarrass him the way I am.

I know there are days when i don’t even think I’m worthy of my spirit guides love and guidance.