Gaian Tarot – Cairn by Cairn

Two of Water (Reversed)

Two of Cups
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This is a card of unconditional love. I love how she is hugging her dog, you can totally feel the love coming off of both of them. As this card is reversed, it is talking to me of love withheld.

Journaling:

Again I’m getting a card about ending relationships and about co-dependency. I know it is time to let go of a X and move on. He’s pulled away and it is time for me to let go and accept that it isn’t going to happen. The sad thing is that I really miss his friendship. I miss having someone in my life who knows me that well.

Even if there may be a time in the future when we are meant to be together, that time is not now. Now is the time to open my heart to love and ask the universe for guidance as to what I want in a relationship. It is time open my heart and manifest the relationship that is right for me.

It is also the time to let go of my anger at my mother. She is who she is and I cannot change her. I don’t want to say she is incapable of learning and /or growing, but at the end of the day it is not my problem. I have to accept her as she is and choose what our relationship looks like. I tried to let her into my life on a limited basis and she chose to break that trust. Maybe I need to look at this from a different perspective: I chose to cut her out of my life because it was the best choice for me, just like John chose to walk away because it was the best choice for him.

December 29, 2017

The end of my marriage still bothers me a lot and the farther away I get and the more able I am to put things into perspective, I realize that it doesn’t bother me that it ended, it bothers me the way it ended and that John treated me with such disrespect. He told the kids before me, he didn’t help move out or settle the house, he expected me to just live there by myself. However, as I told Cam about something else today, when people treat you like crap that is all about them! It shows that he is a totally crappy person with no manners and he is not someone I need in my life.

The very best lesson I learned from my marriage is that I deserve respect and that if someone does not treat me with respect, they are not in my life for long.

Three of Air

Three of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card makes me think of Barack Obama sitting in a library studying and writing down tremendous wisdom. This is a card of wisdom and doing the work of learning. As I write this, I’m realizing that the Three of Air translates to the Three of Swords which is traditionally a card of heart break.

Journaling:

This card is about pouring your heart out on the page. It is about being smart enough to know when to turn to book wisdom and smart enough to know when to look inside and to trust the wisdom inside my soul.

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks pouring my heart out on the page and there is a huge part of me that says there is nothing more to pour out, but I know that is not true as there is always more to pour out on the page. What I don’t know if continually digging into my soul is positive or negative. Am I uncovering junk and releasing it or am I stuck in my own shit? Is what I’m uncovering fertilizer that can help me move forward or quicksand that I will get mired in? I guess at the end of the day, it is up to me as to whether it is mulch or quicksand. I can choose to be a victim and be stuck in the past or I can choose to use it as fertilizer to grow my future. I am choosing fertilizer.

Since I’ve been thinking about John lately, I need to put on my thinking cap and truly think about the lessons I learned from him:

Men who want to go out with their friends and get drunk rather than stay home are party boys and may never grow up. It’s okay to go out sometimes, but a grownup wants a mix of the two and not constant partying.
Men who do not respect my boundaries are not for me
There needs to be an equal division of labor in a marriage. I should not have had to carry the entire financial burden and clean the house while he sat on his butt
Men who refuse to work because a job is beneath them are arrogant and lazy

What I want in a partner:

An equal partner
Someone who pays his own way
Someone who respects my boundaries
Someone who does not gaslight me
Someone with similar interests
A guy who likes to hang at home and have a few people over
A guy who will go to art museums and concerts in the park
A guy who will walk barefoot in the grass
A guy who kisses me in the moonlight
A guy who loves me despite my flaws

Other things I’ve learned:

That I need to open my heart to love and put myself out there
That I am worth knowing an loving
That John and I were probably wrong from each other from the start, but that he lied about who he was and what he wanted in a relationship as he said he wanted an equal and that he wanted a family, but that’s never what he wanted
I’m not really angry anymore an I’ve learned a lot of lessons

December 29, 2017

This was amazingly powerful stuff and the best part is that these are lessons that have stuck for the most part. I have truly realized that I am worth knowing and loving and that I have to open my heart to love. I’m still not exactly sure how or when I will meet someone, but I’ve put it out their to my guides and I’ve opened myself to be ready and willing to listen to their guidance and we’ll see what happens.

Five of Fire (Reversed)

Five of Fire
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This is a card of taking chances and of danger. Reversed, it may be about playing it safe.

Journaling:

I’m going to be really honest and say that when I pulled this card, I did not want to write about it because frankly I’m tired of writing about anger, disappointment, fear, and all these other painful emotions. I’m tired of sorting through that nastiness. I’m ready to move on and be happy. However, every time I think I’m ready to move on, the crap reaches up from where I think I’ve buried it. I’ve worked so hard to move on, but today was full of triggers from losing files that I needed to having to deal with other people’s emotional baggage.

December 29, 2017

The one thing that strikes me as I read this is that I have a choice to be triggered or not. I can choose to take on other people’s emotional baggage or I can choose to put on a teflon coat and not take on other people’s junk. That’s a choice I make. One of the best lessons I ever learned from Al-Anon is about not getting mired down in other people’s garbage. If someone is having a bad day, I can offer sympathy or support, but I don’t have to take on their junk. I’m not always wonderful at it, but I’m getting a lot better.

Eight of Air

Eight of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card speaks to me of community and working together, but the traditional meaning of the eight of swords is choosing to stay in bondage. I’m struggling to reconcile the traditional meaning with this card.

Book: Challenged to transform vision into reality with help fro friends, it is also about letting go of ego

Journaling

Based on the first impressions of this card, it is about a sense of community which is something that I truly need to find or build in my life. I am so lonely and in need of like minded people.

This card is also telling me that I can make Midwives of Change a reality, but I need to be willing to accept input from others. I have to open up my vision and ask for help from others. This is difficult for me, but I do know that asking for help and collaborating does make things better.

December 29, 2017

It’s interesting the mind shift that I’ve had since I originally wrote this. I’ve realized that I really don’t want to pursue creating Midwives of Change right now because I’m tired of my life being about other people and MoC is just one more way for my life to be about other people. I expend a whole lot of emotional energy at work and with the kids and I don’t want to take on strangers’ burdens. I will put my tarot journal out there and I’ll post occasional articles that help me to clarify what I’m thinking, but my life is about me and I’m not using my life as an experiment to see what helps others.

Ten of Air

Ten of Fire
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: Being overwhelmed by loss and grieving, Dreams going up in smoke, clearing away the old to make room for the new.

Journaling:

I’m at a point in my life right now where I truly understand that fire and loss happen to make way for the new. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt or that it isn’t hard to look at the devastation, but it means I need to start from scratch. I’m sure there are parts of my old life that I will always miss and love, but the earth has been prepped for new growth and it is time to move on.

December 29, 2017

This card makes me think of the poor people who have lost everything in the California fires. There is such devastation, but from a land perspective it has cleared away debris and given the land a chance to start from scratch. As I think through the times in my life when I have been down and faced loss, I’m realizing that I never really had to start from scratch as I always had my intelligence, the money I had in the bank, and relationships. I’ve always had some kind of foundation to start with. I don’t know if everyone is that lucky or if there are some people who truly are starting over from scratch.

Child of Air (Reversed)

Child of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card has such a sense of innocence about it as the girl is surrounded by butterflies as she stands in the clouds. One of the things I did not notice until just now is that the butterflies are in the shape of an S. As I drew this card reversed, it tells me that I am tuned out.

Book: Afraid to explore new ideas or make changes because of critical voices, banish negative thoughts

Journaling

Not being attuned to the messages around me. Not being in communication with the universe. Since this card is reversed, it could also symbolize the heavy weight of grief weighing me down again. There are days I feel as if I am just mired in grief.

This is another card that is telling me that I need to heal and move on, but the question is how do I heal and move on as I have done so much healing work. However, I feel this is the final push through the grief and letting go. I need to make one last push to let go of it all.

December 29, 2017

Wow! This was profound as I really feel as if Tarot has been the final spiritual practice that has pushed me to grow and let go of all the garbage. What Tarot does for me is that it engages both my intuition and my logic. Reading the meanings is about logic, but because the readings engage my brain, they free up my intuition to make their own connections. I also think that actually having a daily practice where I’ve committed to pulling a card and journaling every single day helps. I know that I will put myself out there day after day.

I’ve also come to accept that there are always going to be days where I feel stuck, sad, grief-stricken, etc. However, I can choose to acknowledge those feelings and use logic if they aren’t rooted in logic to help me move past those feelings. I also need to make up my decisions with real world actions and I’ve been starting to do that more and more. I really really wanted to go to Chicago for my birthday, but I knew that would mean meeting X for lunch and having a reading and those things would have drug me right back into my obsession. Deliberately choosing not to go to Chicago meant I got to keep my distance. Although, I still miss the food as Mexican food really sucks in the CLE.

Explorer of Fire

First Impressions: Being one with the flame, being surrounded by the flame, dancing in the dark, playing with fire. This card speaks to secrets and the unknown as the woman dancing with fire is masked. I read this card as someone who is a risk taker, someone who is not afraid of getting burned. She has a confidence, almost an arrogance. There may be energy there that is not so playful.

Book: Playing with fire, taking risks, a woman who is balance, coordinated, flexible, and daring, fire consumes, and transforms, it’s important to take precautions when dancing with fire.

Guidance: Share your enthusiasm and let sparks fly, take a bold stand, move toward what you want in life

Journaling:

I’m wondering exactly what this card means for me. Does it mean that I’m playing with fire in relationships? Does it mean I should be bold and make a move? It’s interesting as the fire dancer has come up several times in readings about relationships. I also wonder if this card is symbolic of the dance we do.

I am getting such a strong message right now that I need to step back and that everything will all work out. I need to step back and get out of my own way.

February 4, 2018

Interesting cards lately as I’m really getting the message that it is time for me to be bold about my own life. It is time for me to choose my own path and to walk away from things that no longer serve me. And waiting for him to come around no longer serves me. I deserve a life of wonder and passion and it is time for me to claim that life.

Five of Earth

Five of Earth
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card makes me think of being safe inside of a cocoon while the world blows around me. It makes me think of holding space and being in a peaceful place.

Book: You are dealing with stress at a severe level, most likely your work, home, or your finances.

Journaling:

It is interesting that I drew this card because I just journeyed structure. I was meditating and I was cocooned in a womblike structure. I felt safe and secure and people were holding space for me while I was in this dwelling. Someone was standing outside watching so I would be protected. I felt totally safe within this space.

I’m not really in a true crisis right now, but maybe my mind created a crisis so I could find this sanctuary. Life is good as I am employed and I’m making progress on my health, but I do need to feel safe and secure and I’m not sure of the best way to do that.

I have the skills to survive any crisis.

January 2, 2018

I know for some people this womblike structure would feel isolated or lonely, but for me it appears snug and secure and it is something I’m realizing I need in my own life. I need to create a safe space for myself and part of that is having a space to curl up and feel secure in. In some ways, my wood room is that space as the kids are pretty good about letting me have that space and not interrupting.

Five of Earth

First Impressions: I love this little shelter in the woods. It makes me feel protected, safe, and being at peace with myself. It makes me think of someone holding space for me.

Book: You are dealing with stress at a survival level, most likely your health or finances.

Guidance: Tuck into yourself and know that you are safe and protected. Know that there are people looking out for you even if it doesn’t seem like it.

Journaling

It is so interesting that I drew this card because I saw, journeyed to a similar structure when I was meditating and I was cocooned in a little womblike structure. I felt safe and secure and there were people holding space for me. While I was in this space, there was someone standing guard outside so I would not be interrupted. I was totally secure.

I’m not truly in a true crisis mode right now, but my mind has created a crisis. I am employed, I”m working on my health, but I do need to feel safe and secure and I’m not sure what the best way to do that is. I have the skills to survive most crises and I’ve gotten better about not creating crisis any more.

February 4, 2018

What I find so interesting in retrospect is that I pulled the five of earth, which is about pulling back my energy and being in survival mode immediately after I pulled the three of fire which is all about being out there and living out loud. It is almost as if the thought of living out loud scared me and I had to pull back in my hermit shell. It is also a good metaphor for where I’m at right now because my mind is coming up for all sorts of excuses as to why I don’t want to go to the tarot conference. My brain is telling me that I won’t like it, that everyone will be cliquish, etc.

I realize that I have gotten much worse about not wanting to go places since I’ve been divorced. I don’t think I truly realized how much John damaged my soul and made me afraid to meet and interact with people. He was so mean and horrible to me that now I am afraid to meet people. I’m terrified that people will treat me like he did. I need to let go of that because he is a horrible person and how he treated me was always more about him than it was about me.

Three of Fire

First Impressions: I love this card as she dances with the fire orbs. One of the things I love most about her is that she is not a size 2. She looks like a real woman who is happy, excited, and her own person. I feel passion, happiness, and self-control in this card. The three words I get are being, doing, dancing.

Book: Blazing with personal power and passion

Guidance: Be on fire with creativity, sexuality, and self empowerment. Don’t let anything hold you back. Be proud of who you are and what you can and have accomplished. Be open to wherever life takes you.

Journaling:

Dancing, being joyous, comfortable in my own skin. I am a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. What a wonderful card to draw for Beltane, the first fire festival. I did feel comfortable in my own skin today. I was happy being at home and I felt as if life was truly flowing. I choose to express myself joyously and wonderfully.

February 4, 2018

I’ve decided that this card is my talisman for the year. I love how she is big and bold and not afraid to be who she is. I sometimes feel so mousy and as if I am invisible to everyone. Sometimes it feels as if I tried so hard to be pretty and noticed, but no one noticed me so I’ve gone back to being in the background and in the shadows.

However, the truth of the matter is that no matter how I dress, I do like to be invisible. Being visible means i have to interact with people and I have to have conversations. Those things are really uncomfortable for me. I’m already trying to figure out how to get out of going to the Tarot Conference and at the end of the day it is fear that has me making up excuses. There is no real reason that I have for not going. I’m just afraid of interacting with people. I’m afraid that people won’t like me. I’m afraid that people will make fun of me.

Raine–You will be taken care of and you will be loved. Just trust. It is all going to be wonderful.