Four of Swords

Daily Draw: Four of Swords

First Impressions: Resting, waiting, taking care of myself, respite

Book: Rest from battle

Guidance: Take the time your body needs

Journaling

I needed to pull this card as I’ve been pushing myself way too hard and I need the reminder to rest. I sometimes think I can push and push and push myself, but it doesn’t work. I just end up exhausted and then the universe steps in with messages to slow down. I also know that working myself too hard isn’t productive either as what I produce ends up being garbage.

April 14, 2018

I heeded the four of swords guidance the last few days. On Thursday, I visited the Redwoods after work and it was amazing to be there and feel the energy of these amazing trees. Yesterday, I took off at 2 and drove the 17 mile drive. It was incredibly beautiful. The surf was so wild and it felt calming and refreshing all at the same time. The sound of the see hitting the rocks is so meditative and restful.

December 29, 2018

Working yourself into the ground is one of the lessons that I learned from my Daddy. He worked seven days a week to provide for us, but he still worked hard to make sure we had a relationship. However, when I step back and look at things objectively, I see that there was a lot of ego involved in his choosing to work seven days a week. Once Tony and were older, he could have encouraged my mom to get a job, but instead he lived by the creed that it was the man’s job to support his family and the woman’s job to take care of the house. If he would have let go of his pride, we all could have had more balance in our lives.

I’ve learned that it does not behoove anyone to work myself into the ground to support the kids. I make enough and I am also working to start encouraging the to pay for bills around the house. I don’t always pay them back if they pick up groceries because I think they need to learn to be resposible.

Shadow Work–Day 14

What part of my shadow stifles relationships?

Dreamer Four tells me that I value my me time over relationships and it is true because a lot of times if the decision comes down to chilling at home and going out to meet people, I will choose to stay home and chill. I don’t necessarily think that that is a bad thing because I am very much an introvert and need my recharging time, but I can’t sit and bitch and moan about not having a lot of friends if I am going to consciously choose alone time over meeting people. There is also a possibility that I choose alone time over meeting people because I am afraid of interacting and being hurt.

Strength is another card that makes a lot of sense in this reading as I am a very strong and fierce individual and I don’t need a lot of help navigating life. Additionally, because I am afraid of meeting people, I often choose to be strong and just get things done versus asking for help. I can never be disappointed and have people say no if I never ask.

One of the things that I am realizing as I mature and heal is that I sometimes have problems differentiating between illusion and intuition when it is something I have strong feelings about. The Moon is telling me that because I am terrified of being hurt either intentionally or unintentionally, I an convince myself that my intuition is telling me I should not do something when in reality it is my fear.

These cards were really spot on and they are forcing me to look at how my fear is manifesting itself in my life and how I’m using a lot of excuses to prevent myself from meeting people.

Forgiveness in the Fours

I’ve been working on forgiving my abusive ex since the day he walked out the door seven years ago. I was holding on to anger over his using me, abusing me, and then throwing me away. Like many abused women, I stayed because I didn’t know how to survive without him. However, unlike many abused women I was perfectly capable of supporting myself. I stayed because I’d been brought up to believe a woman was nothing without a man. While praying and choosing to forgive were the actions, it was a journey through the fours that helped me to truly find the path to peace and forgiveness.

It seemed odd to me that it would be the fours that would take me on my journey of forgiveness because they are the cards of stability, of resting, of practicality, of achievement, and of humility. As I meditated on how the fours relate to forgiveness, the words practicality and humility were flashing at me in neon letters and I realized that forgiving is the practical action because forgiving frees my heart from the anger and resentment I’ve been lugging around and lets me move on and be happy.

Humility is the state of being humble and without pride, which for me means accepting that it’s not all about me. Over the last week, I’d gone on an emotional road trip through my past inspired by the Page of Cups and I realized that so many of the things I was holding on to had affected me, but really weren’t about me. My married best friend choosing g to spend less time with me was about choosing to put his family first, my ex-husband’s abuse and choosing to leave after 22 years of marriage was about his emotional issues and wasn’t about me at all. My mother raising me the way she did was about her skill set as a parent and not about me at all. None of these things that were weighing me down were not really my baggage to carry.

Once I’d accepted the practicality of forgiving and gotten off my high horse (six of wands if anyone is keeping score), I turned to the tarot to help plot my course to forgiveness and it was the fours that provided the roadmap.

Death (XIII=4)

The Death card is all about change and when it started showing up in my readings, I knew that I had to embrace change and be willing to move on, which would require forgiving and letting go of the past. That wasn’t something I really wanted to do because there was a part of me that really wanted my ex to pay for what he’d done.

As I delved deeper into Death, I realized that I had known the relationship was over (dead) long before he walked out the door, but I had been holding on to something that wasn’t healthy for me. As I was reading the meanings of the death card, a line from Psychic-Revelation struck me, “Not all relationships are fixable. Don’t beat your head against a wall for very long. You’ll know when it’s “long enough.” I had to smile as I recognized my own behavior.

As I got mired in the anger, resentment, and self-blame, Death Reversed began making appearances in my readings telling me that I was reluctant to change and that to heal I had to let go of things I knew were not healthy for me.

Four of Pentacles

Death was not the only card showing up to tell me I wasn’t accepting change. Over and over again in readings related to emotional health and growth I pulled the Four of Pentacles. As the greedy little miser looked out at me from multiple decks, I felt the anger and resentment course through my veins as I was hoarding these emotions and refusing to let go. All of those negative emotions were being hoarded in my body and were slowly strangling me.

The cards often have a sense of humor and when I asked how to heal emotionally, the four of pentacles reversed showed up to tell me that in order to heal I had to release all the anger, resentment, and negativity. In short, I had to forgive.

Four of Swords

The Four of Swords is about taking a break and letting your soul heal. When the four of swords turned up, I knew I needed to step back and quit fighting life so hard. I had to stop trying to control the world and I had to let go. I could no longer hold on to all the anger (swords) I was carrying in my heart. I had to take a break from the pain I was carrying.

For someone who has carried a lot of pain around for a lot of years, taking a break from the pain was really difficult. The Four of Swords was telling me to just STOP. Stop being angry, stop being resentful, stop driving yourself crazy thinking about where he was, what he was doing, and why did he get to be happy when I wasn’t. I started by consciously redirecting my thoughts every time I thought about him, every time I started to get jealous and ask why he had love and I didn’t, and every time I was angry about him not helping support the kids. Redirecting your thoughts is often not an easy process and there were days I had to stop, breathe, and redirect multiple times, but eventually I stopped obsessing.

Four of Cups

The Four of Cups served as a reminder that I was choosing to live in poverty consciousness. I was so concerned about what other people had “done to me” that I wasn’t accepting the wonders and blessings that were right in front of my face. Instead of focusing on the fact that I have people who love me, I have a beautiful house, I’m healthy, and all of those blessings, I was wasting my life in anger and resentment over something that was never going to change.

The universe was literally holding out a cup of wonderful stuff and I was saying no because I was focused on the past. The realization that I was choosing to live in poverty consciousness was a cold wet slap in the face as pulling this card made me realize that I was deliberately choosing to be a victim.

Emperor (IV)

The role of victim is not one I’ve ever aspired to and when I asked the cards how to get out of the victim role and move on, the Emperor started showing up. At first, I wasn’t exactly sure what the Emperor was trying to tell me because I’ve relate the emperor to a male authority figure. However, a little bit of reading soon revealed that the Emperor was telling me to take control of my own life. I could choose to be a victim or I could choose to move on and let go. The Emperor is all about structure and rules and one of his specialties is making order out of chaos.

The chaos in this case was my unruly ego telling me that in order for me to forgive people, they had to grovel and be worthy of my forgiveness. As long as I was caught up in believing that, I would stay mired in misery and pain. I had to make a conscious decision to choose the logical choice of forgiving over my heart’s choice of resentment.

Four of Wands

Following the twisting and winding path of the fours has led me to the happy and harmonious Four of Wands. As Biddy Tarot says, “This card indicates a sense of harmony and balance as well as completion, and thus symbolises a time of peace and joy in life that come as the result of often difficult and challenging effort. The Four of Wands is one of the most positive cards in the Tarot deck and indicates general good fortune, satisfaction, and fulfillment.”

I feel after all the heartache and pain of the last few years, I have finally found the serenity and peace that true forgiveness offers thanks to the help of the Fours.

Four of Swords
Robin Wood Tarot

First Impressions: I love this card with the knight lying outside instead of in a cold room. I can feel the knight laying there in the warmth of the sun just relaxing. The four of swords is about relaxing and taking a break.

Book: Peace and quiet, repair the psyche, need for release from stress, meditation

Guidance: Take time for yourself, regroup, take care of yourself

Journaling

This card has a twofold meaning for me. It is about resting and recuperating, but it is also about putting my swords down and not fighting everyone else’s battles. My kids don’t need me to always be Mama Bear anymore. Cam did a great job of handling a difficult situation and my jumping in would not have added anything to the situation.

It is the same at work, I need to step back and let people fight their own battles. It is belittling to people when I fight their battles as it makes it seem as if they are not strong and capable.

January 4, 2018

Wow! What a great reminder and ties in to a lot of realizations that I’m having lately. I’m realizing that the kids are grownups and while I like to eat with them, they are capable of cooking their own food and they are capable of taking care of themselves. I don’t need to always put gas in the cars for them as they drive the cars, so they need to take ownership. Sometimes it is hard for me to step back because some things are easy for me and a little more difficult for them, but if I don’t step back, they will never grow up.

I’m also realizing that it is okay to put my sword down and choose not to fight someone’s battles or help them even if they ask. Yesterday morning, I got hit with these heavy waves of fear and melancholy. I was afraid of losing my job, afraid of being homeless, etc. It made no sense as overall I’ve been in a good place lately. I worked hard to shed the nasties, but nothing was working. I finally did a tarot spell to let go of burdens and as I did the spell, I realized that I was shedding other people’s expectations of me and I realized the nasties invading my serenity were coming from my ex-husband.

We’ve been divorced for six years and separated for almost eight, but karmic links are hard to break and we’d been together for 22 years in this lifetime and for countless lifetimes before that. When he is in intense emotional anguish, I feel it due to those karmic ties and I realized I was picking up on his fears. He left a job he’d had for 10 years last year due to severe depression and anxiety, broke up with his girlfriend of two years, and is currently unemployed. On top of this he has major medical issues and will be losing his health insurance at the end of June. If I was in his shoes, I’d be pretty scared.

Last night before I fell asleep, I put up my shields and let it be known to the universe that I was not taking on his burdens. His choice to walk away meant I no longer had any responsibility for his happiness, his security, or anything else. Maintaining that boundary is hard for me as I try to be compassionate, but I can’t take on his problems anymore. He needs to be responsible for his own life.

Daily Draw: Four of Swords

First Impressions: Rest, Recuperate

Book: repair the psyche, tie of rest, need to recover one’s strength, hungry for quiet, restoring to normalcy

Guidance: Step back, rest

Journaling

Interesting that I pulled this card just as I decided that I was going to work from home next week. I do need a break from Chicago and all that is going on. The bottle spell (releasing) was huge for me. I have to be honest and say that i was really sad and wondering if I did the right thing at first, but now I know it was the right thing to do. I feel so much freer. It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

May 24, 2018

I had forgotten all about that spell to release my feelings and let fate take its course. Looking back, I realize that was the beginning of letting go and not letting myself be so obsessed by my feelings for one person. It took courage to let go and it takes courage every time I make a decision to not go to Chicago and to not turn to him for support. However, as my relationship with X has gotten looser and not so obsessive, my relationship with S. has become nonexistent. I have the feeling that the only thing truly holding me to S. was my obsession to X as I was desperate for guidance and advice.

In some ways, it makes me really sad, but in other ways I know that it is for the best and that it is really time for me to let go. My relationship with S was always kind of weird because he could be so controlling some times and so convinced that his way was the right way. I thought we had worked through all of that and were in a good place, but now I’m not so sure. Sometimes it feels as if he just wanted me to be a client and not be a friend.

The only thing I can really do is send him love and light and let go.

Four of Swords (Reversed)

Four of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: The knight is lying on a marble table with his sword at his side. There are three swords hanging on the wall, but they do not pose a threat as they are not hanging directly over our knight. Reversed this card is telling me that it is time to get up and about.

Book: Period of isolation ends, emerging successfully from a period of difficulties, extreme exhaustion, spiritual faith, having faith

Guidance: Have faith, take time to recharge, you do not have to do it all at once

December 23, 2017

Another day when I didn’t journal. I’m not sure what was going on last September that I didn’t make time to actually journal about the cards. Maybe I was so caught up in all the drama about Gateway that I didn’t want to journal about it because I was afraid of what the cards would say.

To me this card is telling me that it is time to get my butt out of bed and start moving forward with my life. And I’ve done a lot to move forward in the past year. I have a new job, I’ve been deliberately staying away from Chicago as I don’t want to get sucked into old behavior patterns.