Category: four

Four of Fire

Four of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  My initial impressions of this card were not positive as it seemed to be someone pulling the strings.  However, as I did the reading, I realize that the intent is to show her influencing her children.  Overall this is a card of contentment as it shows our ancestors looking out for us.

Book:  Family, ancestors, and gods meet at the hearth; heart is a portal; ancestors live in the home fire; judge of domestic affairs

Guidance:  Scry using fire to receive messages from gods or ancestors, clean and smudge your house, acknowledge the gift of life you’ve received from your ancestors, do not pollute your future through poor behavior in the future

Journaling

There are so many messages in this card.  I love the message of honoring the gift of the ancestors even if you can’t honor them.  The ancestors did give me gifts that I cherish.  I am strong and independent because of my Grandmother Babcock.  When I work to connect with her, I find someone who was trapped by the circumstances she grew up with.  she was poor and had few opportunities.  I also knew that she was mentally ill and did not get the help she truly needed.  It’s difficult to function when you have an untreated mental illness.

I also know how easy it is to become angry and mean when your emotional needs aren’t being met.  In some ways, John deciding to leave was a gift because I was becoming incredibly angry and bitter.  I felt as if I just gave and gave and gave and that I got nothing in return..  I still don’t feel as if I get a lot of emotional support from others, but I also don’t feel as if my emotional energy is being completely drained.

January 8, 2018

As I meditation on this card, the words that keep coming to mind are compassion, death, and perspective.  I need to learn to have compassion for myself and for others.  I’m being guided especially to have compassion for my mother.  I am still upset by the fact that I perceive her as choosing not to change, but what if she really can’t choose to change?  Would I be judging her so harshly if she wasn’t able to walk as fast as I can because she was handicapped?  I also have to remember that I’ve struggled to change even though I knew that changing was in my best interest.  I’m sure that there are people who think I was stubborn or was choosing not to change.

It’s funny, as I was talking to someone from work today who exhibits a lot of the behavior that I used to exhibit:  being stubborn, taking everything personally, etc.  I was able to just listen to him without judging or taking any of it personally.  Maybe that’s what I need to do with my mother.  Maybe I just need to realize that even though it feels personal, it isn’t personal.  Maybe she truly is incapable of changing.

I also need to have compassion for myself and accept that her behavior hurts me and that I did the most compassionate thing that I could when I walked away.

Four of Swords

Four of Swords
Robin Wood Tarot

First Impressions:   I love this card with the knight lying outside instead of in a cold room.  I can feel the knight laying there in the warmth of the sun just relaxing.  The four of swords is about relaxing and taking a break.

Book:  Peace and quiet, repair the psyche, need for release from stress, meditation

Guidance:  Take time for yourself, regroup, take care of yourself

Journaling

This card has a twofold meaning for me.  It is about resting and recuperating, but it is also about putting my swords down and not fighting everyone else’s battles.  My kids don’t need me to always be Mama Bear anymore.  Cam did a great job of handling a difficult situation and my jumping in would not have added anything to the situation.

It is the same at work, I need to step back and let people fight their own battles.  It is belittling to people when I fight their battles as it makes it seem as if they are not strong and capable.

January 4, 2018

Wow!  What a great reminder and ties in to a lot of realizations that I’m having lately.  I’m realizing that the kids are grownups and while I like to eat with them, they are capable of cooking their own food and they are capable of taking care of themselves.  I don’t need to always put gas in the cars for them as they drive the cars, so they need to take ownership.  Sometimes it is hard for me to step back because some things are easy for me and a little more difficult for them, but if I don’t step back, they will never grow up.

I’m also realizing that it is okay to put my sword down and choose not to fight someone’s battles or help them even if they ask.  Yesterday morning, I got hit with these heavy waves of fear and melancholy.  I was afraid of losing my job, afraid of being homeless, etc.  It made no sense as overall I’ve been in a good place lately.   I worked hard to shed the nasties, but nothing was working.  I finally did a tarot spell to let go of burdens and as I did the spell, I realized that I was shedding other people’s expectations of me and I realized the nasties invading my serenity were coming from my ex-husband.

We’ve been divorced for six years and separated for almost eight, but karmic links are hard to break and we’d been together for 22 years in this lifetime and for countless lifetimes before that.  When he is in intense emotional anguish, I feel it due to those karmic ties and I realized I was picking up on his fears.  He left a job he’d had for 10 years last year due to severe depression and anxiety, broke up with his girlfriend of two years, and is currently unemployed.  On top of this he has major medical issues and will be losing his health insurance at the end of June.  If I was in his shoes, I’d be pretty scared.

Last night before I fell asleep, I put up my shields and let it be known to the universe that I was not taking on his burdens.  His choice to walk away meant I no longer had any responsibility for his happiness, his security, or anything else.  Maintaining that boundary is hard for me as I try to be compassionate, but I can’t take on his problems anymore.  He needs to be responsible for his own life.

Daily Draw: Four of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Open up, be generous

Book:  Letting go, sharing, releasing what has been hoarded

Guidance:  Open your heart, let go of all the anger

Journaling

I love this image of the four of pentacles with all of the pentacles held over his heart.  To me the message from this card is to let go of all the hurt I’m holding there.  I’m still holding on to anger and hurt from childhood and it’s time to let all of that go.  There is no value in holding on to those hurts.  I understand now how they’e negatively impacted me.

I need to hold on to all the lessons and let go of the pain and anger.  The same is true for my marriage.  I need to learn the lessons and let go.  There is nothing to be gained by holding on to the pain,

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God and Goddess, Dearly Beloveds

Please help me to let go of the anger and pain I feel over incidents that happened so long ago.  Help me to let go of shame, anger, guilt and all of those emotions that have no place in my life today.  In place of these emotions, please help me to embrace loving kindness.  Help me to realize that all of these slights and pain were more about the person who inflicted them than about me.

Help me to open my heart to love and goodness .  Let me know that opening my heart to love and goodness does not mean putting up with abuse.

Blessings,
Raine

I’m realizing now how screwed up my idea of love, especially unconditional love is.  From my mother, I learned that loving someone meant letting them abuse you and walk all over you, but you still had to be there for  them.  I cannot remember how many times Grandma was horrid to her, and she kept going back for more.

I don’t know why, but it is something we all do to a certain extent.  There is this hunger for and desire for family and we all have it.  We all want want families to love us even when they are incapable of unconditional love.

July 1, 2018

I needed to hear this today and remember that we all want to be loved.  I’m also starting to have more compassion for my mother as I realize that all she wanted was the same unconditional love from her mother that I wanted.  Maybe she thought that she could get it by giving more and loving more.  Maybe she was like me when I first went to Al Anon and thought it could change me into someone that John would love.  Maybe she thought that if she kept going back eventually her mother would change and would love her.

Maybe all of what I’ve viewed as her being controlling and manipulative was about her trying to help me avoid some of the pain she faced.  I don’t know the answer to any of that, but I do know that I can’t live being half a person.  I have to be my full self and not go after my dreams and wants because of someone else.

Daily Draw: Four of Cups

First Impressions:  Receiving

Book:  Suspicious, reluctant, bored, self absorbed, unable to appreciate goodness, disappointment with the status quo

Guidance:  Notice the gift, be open to receive, accept that you are worthy

Journaling

This card is about getting out of my self absorbed state and being willing to listen to the universe and receive gifts that are being offered.

One of the biggest gifts I have is that my body is still responsive to non-traditional ways of treating my diabetes.  Exercise still brings my blood sugar down.  For me it is about deciding I want health and being open to healing. It is so easy to turn to sugar for a quick energy hit, but all that does is create a downward spiral because it over taxes my body more and more.  I need to accept that I am going to deal with crap for a while while my body heals, but I won’t start feeling better until I start listening to what my body truly wants and needs instead of just giving in to the quick sugar fix.  I might also need to go back to oatmeal for breakfast.  I know why I fell off the sugar wagon before, it was because I was doing all the right things and my blood sugar was dropping, but I wasn’t losing weight so I got frustrated.

My real solution needs to be about focusing on how I feel instead of focusing on the numbers on the scale.  I did feel a lot better and had a lot more energy, but the minute I start feeling tired I go racing back to sugar and the whole damn cycle starts all over again.  At the end of the day, I don’t want to die and I want to be here for my kids and giving up sugar is one way to increase the odds of that happening.

July 7, 2018

All of what I said above is true and things that I still need to work on, but what struck me as I read the guidance this go round was to accept that you are worthy.  That is something I’ve had to struggle with my entire life.  I’ve worked hard for everything that I have, but I have never truly accepted that I am worthy just as a human being and that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone.  I am a beautifully flawed and amazing person just the way I am and I don’t need to change to be worthy of having good things in my life. 

I think that’s why X’s friendship is such a blessing in my life.  He is the first person that has ever truly loved me unconditionally with no strings attached.  He wants nothing from me, but our friendship and that is so refreshing.  Yes he can be annoying with his advice sometimes, but he gives the advice because he loves me and not because he is trying to fit me into some mold or because I embarrass him the way I am.

I know there are days when i don’t even think I’m worthy of my spirit guides love and guidance.

Daily Draw: Four of Swords

First Impressions:  Rest, Recuperate

Book:  repair the psyche, tie of rest, need to recover one’s strength, hungry for quiet, restoring to normalcy

Guidance:  Step back, rest

Journaling

Interesting that I pulled this card just as I decided that I was going to work from home next week.  I do need a break from Chicago and all that is going on.  The bottle spell (releasing) was huge for me.  I have to be honest and say that i was really sad and wondering if I did the right thing at first, but now I know it was the right thing to do.  I feel so much freer.  It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

May 24, 2018

I had forgotten all about that spell to release my feelings and let fate take its course.  Looking back, I realize that was the beginning of letting go and not letting myself be so obsessed by my feelings for one person.  It took courage to let go and it takes courage every time I make a decision to not go to Chicago and to not turn to him for support.  However, as my relationship with X has gotten looser and not so obsessive, my relationship with S. has become nonexistent.  I have the feeling that the only thing truly holding me to S. was my obsession to X as I was desperate for guidance and advice.

In some ways, it makes me really sad, but in other ways I know that it is for the best and that it is really time for me to let go.  My relationship with S was always kind of weird because he could be so controlling some times and so convinced that his way was the right way.  I thought we had worked through all of that and were in a good place, but now I’m not so sure.  Sometimes it feels as if he just wanted me to be a client and not be a friend.

The only thing I can really do is send him love and light and let go.

Four of Pentacles

Four of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:  The man is clearly hoarding his wealth and holding on to it so tightly that he has no room/capacity to pick up anything else.  By holding so tightly, he cannot embrace someone, enjoy a painting, or anything else.  It is almost as if his wealth is holding him prisoner.  This card is definitely someone who is holding his money and being stingy.

Book:  Building wealth, rootedness, using money to protect from feelings of inner loss, holding back, can be protective.

Guidance:  Hold back energy at work

Journaling:

I am so incredibly happy to be home.I’m still not positive of what the lessons of this card are.  On the one hand, I see the cautions against being a miser, but I also see the wisdom of not being completely open and giving.  There is nothing wrong with holding something back for ourselves.  As I say a lot, my life cannot just be for other people, there has to be something in it for me as well.

December 23, 2017

This is a loaded card for me, especially lately.  One of my most hated lessons from my mother was that my life was all about everyone else.  Anytime I wanted to do something, she always asked how John or the kids felt about it.  I was supposed to give everything I had to other people until there was nothing left for me.  John continued this lesson because even though he was home all day with the kids and I worked, I was supposed to come home and clean house and cook dinner until I had nothing for me.  Because of the lessons I had learned from my mother, I accepted this and didn’t push back.

I’ve learned a lot about balance over the last seven years and I’ve gotten a lot better of taking care of myself.  I no longer care if people call me selfish or think I’m making life all about me, I know that I need to take care of myself first.  If I do not take care of myself, there will be nothing left to give to anyone else.

Four of Swords (Reversed)

Four of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  The knight is lying on a marble table with his sword at his side.  There are three swords hanging on the wall, but they do not pose a threat as they are not hanging directly over our knight.  Reversed this card is telling me that it is time to get  up and about.

Book:  Period of isolation ends, emerging successfully from a period of difficulties, extreme exhaustion, spiritual faith, having faith

Guidance:  Have faith, take time to recharge, you do not have to do it all at once

December 23, 2017

Another day when I didn’t journal.  I’m not sure what was going on last September that I didn’t make time to actually journal about the cards.  Maybe I was so caught up in all the drama about Gateway that I didn’t want to journal about it because I was afraid of what the cards would say.

To me this card is telling me that it is time to get my butt out of bed and start moving forward with my life.  And I’ve done a lot to move forward in the past year.  I have a new job, I’ve been deliberately staying away from Chicago as I don’t want to get sucked into old behavior patterns.

Four of Cups (Reversed)

Four of Cups
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:  A giant hand is holding one of the chalices and the three others are sitting there.  The man looks either made or as if he is being obstinate.  Reversed, this card tells me to appreciate what I have.

Book:  New opportunities, keen to enter a new and dynamic time, fear of being alone, omen to start a new relationship, ready to face the world again

Guidance:  Open your heart to love

December 23, 2017

It was another day where all I did was pull the card and didn’t spend anytime journaling.  It’s really frustrating when I come across those days because the best part of re-reading my tarot journals is realizing where I was at and seeing if I’ve learned anything since I originally pulled the card. 

It is interesting to me how many times over the past year the cards have pretty much screamed at me to open my heart to love.  That’s hard for me to do because I’ve been hurt so badly; however, I also realize that I will never have love in my life unless I am willing to open my heart and be willing to risk being hurt and/or disappointed.  That’s a really scary thing for me to contemplate, but I decided that this year (starting on my birthday) was going to be the year of love and I’m currently working on self love and on opening up my heart  It’s a little hard and a little scary, but day by day I’m getting there.

Clark is a really good role model for opening my heart to love a he just assumes people love him and he doesn’t wait.  He jumps in to love with both feet and even though I know he had a hard life before we adopted him, he is so open to being loved.  I need to emulate him.