five of swords

Daily Draw: Five of Swords

First Impressions: Gloating

Book: Warrior stands victorious, Cost of Winning was not worth it

Guidance: Determine what was lost and what was gained. Was it worth it? More conciliatory approach

Journaling

Interesting reading on this card. For me this read is about winning at all costs. I love to be right and it sometimes leads me down bad path. My gloating over losing Hood because we chose not to include OCM in the proposal was not good. I need to accept that the person who chose that was an idiot.

November 20, 2017

It’s nice to be able to remind myself to take a step back. I’ve become so much better at self regulation.

October 30, 2018

This is still something that I need to work on. I’ve realized that one of the things I really need to work on is letting go of both winning and losing. Gloating isn’t good, but moping when I lose isn’t good either. I think that kids who participate in sports have an easier time of this because you need to shake it off and move to the next thing. I was thinking about this when I was watching a hockey game with the kids. If the other team gets a goal, you can’t sit and mope over it. You have to shake it off or you will never recover.

Serenity Spread

Serenity can be an easy concept to grasp, but a hard emotion to master. As I’ve been doing more and more lately, I turned to my Tarot cards to help me figure out how to have serenity in my life.

I developed a spread based on my personal adaption of the serenity prayer:

Deity,

Grant me gratitude for all that I have

Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Grant me courage to change the things I can

And grant me the wisdom to know the difference

Grant me patience to accept the changes that take time

Grant me compassion and grace for those with different struggles

And the strength to get up and try again, one day at a time

Blessed Be

The Spread

This spread is designed to ask for guidance on key attributes from the prayer.

Card 1–What am I grateful for?
Card 2–What in my life can’t I change? What are the things I have to accept?
Card 3–What in my life can I change? What things do I need to have courage to change?
Card 4–How will I know the difference?
Card 5–How can I be patient?
Card 6–How can I be compassionate toward others?
Card 7–How can I find my strength?
Card 8–How can I find my serenity?

My reading

Card 1–What am I grateful for?

Eight of Wands (R)

The opportunity to slow down and take my time instead of rushing full steam ahead. Although rushing full speed ahead is exciting, it doesn’t give me the opportunity to be thoughtful and methodical.

Card 2–What in my life can’t I change? What are the things I have to accept?

Moon

My intuition and my connectedness. Even though I sometimes try to disconnect, the connection is always there and when I am out of alignment, I feel it. I also can’t change that there is chaos and confusion. I cannot control the world.

Card 3–What in my life can I change? What things do I need to have courage to change?

King of Pentacles (R)

I can change my attitude and quit being a snob about money and valuing people based on how much they make. I can also change my financial situation and my own attitude toward money and move from poverty consciousness to prosperity consciousness.

Card 4–How will I know the difference?

7 of Cups (R)

I can let go of delusions especially around thinking that I have control of all situations. I can come down to earth and let go of false hopes.

Card 5–How can I be patient?

Page of Wands (R)

I can let things go and accept that it is not all about me. I can also accept that other people are sometimes slower than I am and that life gets complicated sometimes.

Card 6–How can I be compassionate toward others?

Knight of Wands (R)

I can let go of my ego and accept that not everyone has the same interests and skills that I do. I need to look at the bigger picture and not be so selfish and all about my own self interests.

Card 7–How can I find my strength?

Five of Swords (R)

I put down my sword and quit being on the defensive all the time: My strength is in vulnerability. Additionally I can open myself up to change.

Card 8–How can I find my serenity?

Queen of Wands (R)

I can get organized and I can support and applaud other people. I need to let go of my jealousy and competitive spirit.

My Artwork

Here is the background I created for this spread. I modeled it after a painting that I

have called SkyFan.

And here it is with the copies of the cards glued on.

Daily Draw: Five of Swords (R)

First Impressions: Burdens falling away

Book: Ending a toxic situation, Contrition, walking away and accepting a minor defeat, work through your emotions

Guidance: Feel your feelings of loss, bury the hatchet

Journaling

I’ve spent some time reflecting on this card and I’m still not sure how to read it. One possible reading is that I am taking responsibility for where I am in life and that means doing the right thing and that I am facing things head on versus running from them. The other potential reading that struck me is that I m ending a toxic situation and that’s true. I’m choosing to move forward and live my life instead of waiting for what might never happen.

May 25, 2018

Interesting that I pulled this card shortly before my 50th birthday when the final ending of the toxic situation came about. Although there is a small part of me that keeps thinking (wishing) that things would /could be different with the bitch, I know that that will never happen. For one thing, I have accepted that she can never be the mother than anyone deserves. I’ve also accepted that all the bullshit she spews is about her and not about me. That’s so important for me to know, because I always tend to blame myself and assume that I did something wrong. However, in this instance, I didn’t do anything wrong. She was, and is, incapable of being a mother and incapable of taking responsibility for her actions.

This situation has been mirrored at work lately with someone who is incapable of taking ownership of anything. I did my best and then some to help him, but he continued to be/act clueless. At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do to help someone like that and he needs to own his actions. That’s hard for me though because I am a compassionate person and because I don’t want to be blamed for things not going well. I guess at the end of the day, I have to take the risk of things not going well because I cannot do it all.

Five of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: The warrior in this card is looking straight ahead. He seems neither defeated nor smug, he just is. The people in the background look as if they are looking for mercy. Although the grass is green, the trees are leafless. Looking at the people in the back, I see defeat and exhaustion.

Book: Defeat, blame, unfair advantages, spitefulness, using more force than required, energy/power imbalance

Guidance: Be gracious, do not exclude, do not bully, let go, do not be an energy vampire

Journaling

This card was so where I was at today. Meg continues to work to sell me to Gateway even though I’ve told her the deliverables will be done, but she keeps demanding that I give her additional deliverables. I’m not sure how else to say the work is done. I’m just ready to be done with this project and being in Chicago is totally stressing me out. I do not know how to say I do not want to be here and keep my job.

What I really want is to be in someone’s arms and to be loved, but in order to do that I have to have more stability in my life.

December 23, 2017

It’s interesting to look back at where I was over a year ago. I think what truly annoyed me about the situation a year ago is that I wanted to be in the SAP space and do OCM on SAP projects, but I kept getting blocked from doing that. Meg and Jessica wanted to keep me at Gateway. Maybe I need to just be grateful that I had a job at that point in time and that I was employed.

I’m also realizing that it wasn’t the job that was getting to me, it was being in Chicago. Since I have made the decision to quit living with one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland, I’m much happier. I’m being forced to create and define a life here instead of running back to Chicago to be nurtured and nourished. It is also helping me to cut unhealthy ties as it is way easier to not be all swirly about John and what he’s doing and to not be so tied to someone who isn’t right for me no matter how much I want him to be.