Five of Pentacles – Cairn by Cairn

Daily Draw: Five of Pentacles

First Impressions: Feeling left out, empty inside, bereft

Book: In distress, hope and healing, lonliness

Guidance: Analyze your limitations, there is solace in companionship

Journaling

I pulled this card as I sat at the beach watching an amazing sunset. It feels apt because I was so lonely. Everyone else was there with other people, but I was alone and it hurt to not have anyone to share this beautiful sunset with. I feel more alone than I have in a long time. I’ve always taken being alone in stride, but today it just feels lonely.

December 29, 2018

It’s so funny to reread this now as the memories that I have of that beautiful and amazing day are not of how lonely I was, but of how connected I felt to the others on the beach. I was one of the most spiritual moments of my life to sit there and watch something as ordinary and as miraculous as a sunset. I was so pleased and amazed that so many other people took the time out of there day to watch the sunset. As I reread my post and how I pulled the cards, it made me wonder if I was lying to myself or if the loneliness dissipated as I felt myself surrounded by the larger crowd. I’m going to choose to believe that the sense of connection outweighed the lonliness.

Here is what I posted on Facebook that day:

Raine Clara Shakti

April 13

I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life tonight surrounded by about 50 strangers. I drove down to Carmel after work and spent some time wandering around. After an amazing dinner of fresh caught seafood, I wandered down to the beach.

There were about 50 people there, some quietly playing, others sitting and watching the water, and others just wandering around. Pretty soon, the most amazing show on earth started as Sul began to journey down to touch Mama Yemaya. Her bright light laid down a glittering trail upon the water.

As she sunk closer and closer to the waves, people got more and more quiet and everyone turned their faces toward the sun. As she slowly faded, a sense of oneness filled the crowd as we all watched the golden orb sink beneath the waves.

It was only when we could no longer see her that people began to gather there things and walk away with the reverant hush still filling the air.

I found it pretty amazing in this day of movies, TV, and all the other technical distraction that 50 people gathered on a beach on an ordinary Friday afternoon in April to watch the sunset.

Shadow Work — Day 24

What am I looking for in my relationships?

Maker Five tells me I want full transparency and honesty in a relationship. I do not want someone who is hiding anything. I also want someone who is capable of asking for help and doesn’t use passive aggressive tactics to manipulate me. I want someone capable of having an honest conversation about who they are, what they want from a relationship, etc.

Dreamer Two is all about making decisions. I want someone who knows what they want and goes after it. I don’t want someone who is purely a dreamer who thinks up great schemes, but never does the hard work required to make things happen. John had great ideas, but he never had the grit and the gumption to bring them to fruition. I need someone with grit and gumption who will actually follow through.

Maker Two echoes that theme in telling me I want someone who takes responsibility for their life. Who is capable of owning their mistakes and who doesn’t constantly blame others for their sorry state in life.

All of these cards are telling me that I want a grownup and not a little boy.

Five of Earth

Five of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: Demeter is so sad and desolate on this card. I feel the barrenness of the earth as if all of the life has been taken away. This is definitely a card of loss and the need to come in from the cold. There is a different kind of barrenness outside my window today as it is cold and snowy and the darkness is creeping over the world even though it is just 4 pm.

Book: Give no part of yourself to that which does not sustain you.

Guidance: Accept the fallow times as part of the cycle, release expectation

Journaling:

I love and needed to hear the messages of this card today. I am so impatient that I fail to see all the wonders around me. I get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day that I often forget that the best things in life take time. Demeter also reminds me of the importance of taking time to mourn and be still within myself.

December 13, 2017

Although it wasn’t the main plot line on NCIS NOLA last night, the interplay between Dwayne and his dad was meaningful to me. The idea of being free of a parent is so liberating. I think I have been trying so hard to be the “modern woman” that I’ve forgotten you can have love and a career. Interesting that this is all coming up around Demeter, who lost herself in grief for her daughter.

December 18, 2017

All I need to do is to be myself. I don’t need to make up for anything or to prove anything to anyone. I just need to be me.

December 27, 2017

The message that all I need to do is be myself is so powerful and it is a lesson that I desperately needed to hear. I get so caught up in trying to live up to other people’s expectations that I forget that I just need to live life for me. I think that is why I am so adamant that my blog is mine and mine alone. It is not meant to be a place of wisdom for other people, although I am always willing to freely share what I have learned.

BEAR Spread

I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts lately for a lot of reasons. I’ve got a great new job, but I’m not traveling and I’m home doing a lot of administrative stuff until I get placed on a project. It’s great getting paid, but I’m getting a little bored and am missing human interaction. I’m also lonely because work provides a lot of my people interaction. I generally travel four days a week, have intense interactions with people at work, and then I’m home for three days. That normally suits me well, but I’ve been home for the better part of two months and I am bored, lonely, and a little depressed.

All of the above are contributing to my feelings, but I wanted to know if there was something else behind it so I created the BEAR spread. BEAR is the acronym I use for how I deal with anger and other uncomfortable emotions. It stands for:

Breathe–I take deep breaths, meditation, do whatever it takes to calm down so I’m rational and not out of my mind with anger.
Embrace--It’s all too easy for me to shame myself for having “negative” emotions like anger or fear so I remind myself that anger, rage, etc. are normal human emotions.
Analyze--Sometimes the reason for my anger is clear, but other times it takes a little digging to figure out what I’m really feeling.
Release–After I know what i’m feeling, I take time to release my feelings. If I’m lonely I cry, if I’m angry at someone I might talk to them, or I might smash dishes to release my anger.

Since I wasn’t sure quite was bothering me, I decided to pull some cards to figure it out and I designed the BEAR spread.

Card 1–Breathe (How can I deal with my feelings right now?)
Card 2–Embrace (How can I embrace my feelings right now?)
Card 3–Analyze (What am I really feeling? What is the real trigger?)
Card 4–Release (How can I release my anger/sadness, etc. right now?)
Card 5–Outcome (what is the outcome?)

The cards I pulled were all reversed, which in itself tells me that I have some analysis and self work to do. None of them were overly bad, but all serve as a warning that I need to evaluate my emotions and figure things out.

Card 1–Breathe (How can I deal with my feelings right now?)

Five of Pentacles (R)

The five of pentacles reversed is telling me that I need to come in from the cold. The only way to solve the isolation and loneliness I’m feeling is to reach out to people. There are resources available, but I have to choose to take advantage of them. I get this card a lot so I think I really need to pay attention to it.

Card 2–Embrace (How can I embrace my feelings right now?)

Two of Pentacles (R)

I need to stop juggling the balls that are everyone else’s and focus on what is mine. I need to set boundaries with my kids and hold them accountable. I also have to put myself first sometimes which means not staying up until midnight when my son comes home from work. If there is a problem, he will call me and my staying up is not going to do anything except make me exhausted. I need to quit numbing myself with sugar and pay attention to what I eat and quit making excuses for eating garbage.

Card 3–Analyze (What am I really feeling? What is the real trigger?)

King of Pentacles (R)

The King of Pentacles reversed is telling me a lot. He’s telling me that I’m wondering if my only value to people is what I bring to the table financially. Do people really like me or is it what I can do for them? And that ties back to my primary social outlet being work. Another of the meanings is that I’m afraid of commitment and I don’t have people in my life because of my fear. And this theme shows up in almost every reading I do. I’m not thrilled, but my guess is that it will keep showing up until I do something about it.

Card 4–Release (How can I release my anger/sadness, etc. right now?)

Queen of Swords (R)

The Queen is telling me I’ve been letting my emotions rule and it is time to sit back and use my brain as well as my heart. Yes I may feel lonely, but for me loneliness right now is a a choice because I am choosing not to go out and meet people. I need to analyze and use my brain to come up with a solution.

Card 5–Outcome (what is the outcome?)

Page of Wands (R)

The Page is telling me that new friendships, relationships, etc. will not be handed to me. I need to take the queens advice and use my brain to start planning outings where I will meet people. I also have to quit using my job as an excuse because I’ve been home for eight weeks and still haven’t really ventured out much.

I’m not terribly thrilled with what these cards are telling me, but I realize that like all messages from the cards they are telling me that I am personally responsible and that it is within my power to change my life. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

I also wanted to share a picture of my unadorned Bear Claw. I created this two years ago in honor of The Morrigan.

Five of Earth

Five of Earth
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card makes me think of being safe inside of a cocoon while the world blows around me. It makes me think of holding space and being in a peaceful place.

Book: You are dealing with stress at a severe level, most likely your work, home, or your finances.

Journaling:

It is interesting that I drew this card because I just journeyed structure. I was meditating and I was cocooned in a womblike structure. I felt safe and secure and people were holding space for me while I was in this dwelling. Someone was standing outside watching so I would be protected. I felt totally safe within this space.

I’m not really in a true crisis right now, but maybe my mind created a crisis so I could find this sanctuary. Life is good as I am employed and I’m making progress on my health, but I do need to feel safe and secure and I’m not sure of the best way to do that.

I have the skills to survive any crisis.

January 2, 2018

I know for some people this womblike structure would feel isolated or lonely, but for me it appears snug and secure and it is something I’m realizing I need in my own life. I need to create a safe space for myself and part of that is having a space to curl up and feel secure in. In some ways, my wood room is that space as the kids are pretty good about letting me have that space and not interrupting.

Five of Earth

First Impressions: I love this little shelter in the woods. It makes me feel protected, safe, and being at peace with myself. It makes me think of someone holding space for me.

Book: You are dealing with stress at a survival level, most likely your health or finances.

Guidance: Tuck into yourself and know that you are safe and protected. Know that there are people looking out for you even if it doesn’t seem like it.

Journaling

It is so interesting that I drew this card because I saw, journeyed to a similar structure when I was meditating and I was cocooned in a little womblike structure. I felt safe and secure and there were people holding space for me. While I was in this space, there was someone standing guard outside so I would not be interrupted. I was totally secure.

I’m not truly in a true crisis mode right now, but my mind has created a crisis. I am employed, I”m working on my health, but I do need to feel safe and secure and I’m not sure what the best way to do that is. I have the skills to survive most crises and I’ve gotten better about not creating crisis any more.

February 4, 2018

What I find so interesting in retrospect is that I pulled the five of earth, which is about pulling back my energy and being in survival mode immediately after I pulled the three of fire which is all about being out there and living out loud. It is almost as if the thought of living out loud scared me and I had to pull back in my hermit shell. It is also a good metaphor for where I’m at right now because my mind is coming up for all sorts of excuses as to why I don’t want to go to the tarot conference. My brain is telling me that I won’t like it, that everyone will be cliquish, etc.

I realize that I have gotten much worse about not wanting to go places since I’ve been divorced. I don’t think I truly realized how much John damaged my soul and made me afraid to meet and interact with people. He was so mean and horrible to me that now I am afraid to meet people. I’m terrified that people will treat me like he did. I need to let go of that because he is a horrible person and how he treated me was always more about him than it was about me.