Fire – Cairn by Cairn

Shadow Work–Day 2

How do my relationships mirror my shadow side?

The hanged man can tell us a lot of things as sometimes he tells us we need to get another perspective, but in this instance the Hanged Man is telling me that my relationships are about self sacrifice. I sacrificed myself for my ex-husband. I made myself less and less so that he could feel better about himself until I almost disappeared. I sacrifice for my children so that they have what they need and I sacrifice at work. The lesson I’ve been learning about sacrifice is that it is important that we know we have a choice in saying yes or no to sacrifice. I was raised to believe that my needs were secondary to everyone else’s so I never thought that I had a choice in saying yes or no to sacrifice. I’ve learned over the last eight years that I do have a choice and sacrifices that are willingly made are much sweeter than those that are demanded.

The Warrior tells me that I am fierce and protected in all of my relationships. I never feel comfortable letting my guard down and just being. I always have to be on the defensive and always protecting my tender heart. Additionally, I love to drive and be in control. These characteristics make it very hard for people to get to know me. The cards have been telling me for a very long time that it is time to let down my guard and to let people in and it is something that is very hard for me to do.

The fool is double edged as I leaped into my marriage without careful consideration and ended up in an untenable situation. Since then, I have drawn up strict lists of criteria for a future mate that almost no one has a hope of meeting and I’m applying those criteria like a USDA judge grading meat. If someone scores too low on one criteria, I’m not even willing to “waste my time” meeting them. The fool is telling me that I cannot just leap in with nary a care in the world, but I also cannot be too closed minded about the people I let into my life.

Overall this was a scarily accurate reading and truly reflected where I am in life. I need to continue to reflect on this.

Seven of Fire

Seven of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I love this card because it makes me think of being a bad ass and taking charge. The colors and background are so simple, but very profound.

Book: Rise up or the demon’s win, Gods invoke Durga through their combined powers, tiger representing her unlimited powers, working to protect people from misery

Guidance: Know which weapon to use for the fight, know you ground and your position and make a stand, identify your personal demons, do not give up something because it is hard. It will be accomplished if you keep trying

Journaling

I really love the messages in this card, especially around knowing your demons. My personal demons are low self esteem and feeling as if I always have to buy people’s friendship. I get caught up in thinking that if I do nice things for people then they will like e and I’ve always been that way. I remember back in high school buying gifts so guys would like e. And I did the same thing with John. I thought if I bought him things he would stay. I’ve learned that if people don’t like me for who I am, than that is their loss, but people pleasing is still part of who I am.

My other demon is sugar and it is killing me, but I don’t know how to stop.

Messages from my Guides

Yes, you do! Decide to stop. Find a substitute and be done with it. Yes the first few days will be hard, but it is either do this or do drugs and feel the medical industry. You are tough and strong. You can do this.

January 9, 2018

Today was about kicking ass and taking names. I am fed up with bullshit excuses for not doing your job. I’m fed up with people not fucking reading emails and expecting things to be spoon fed. I very clearly said in my email that it was for standard training material. I was a bitch today and it kind of felt good. I’m tired of being nice as it feels like everyone walks all over me when I’m nice.

However, when I take a step back and look at things from a different perspective, I realize that everyone is

Two of Fire

Two of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I love this card because it is so more more engaged than the typical two of wands where the man is looking passively out at the ocean. Hekate is truly engaged and actively looking at the path.

Book: You don’t need a path to find your way, she releases her powers in the three realms, walking the spirit walk between the worlds, seize the moment

Guidance: When you hear a dog, think about the path you are on; when at a crossroads, move toward what you know to be true; take the first step, and it will lead you toward what you know to be true

Journaling:

I love this reading, especially about taking the next meaningful and appropriator action and then you will be provided with the next. This reminds me of the cairns and the lesson that they taught me.

As I reflect, I realize that the lesson is really one of trust. Walking to the first cairn, I had to trust that the next one would be there. I suppose it is that way with the reset of my life as well, I have to trust that the next cairn will be there. That’s really really hard for me as I want the whole path laid out for me at once, but that’s not how the world works.

I don’t know what the next adventure that awaits me is, but all I need to know is what the next step is, so what is the net step? Have I missed it by being stubborn?

Message from my guides

No my child, you haven’t missed it. You are right where you need to be. Continue putting one foot in front of the other. Continue to meditate and feel the peace all the way down to your belly. Trust your heart, trust in love, trust in yourself

January 8, 2018

Even though every instinct in my body says it is time to move on from my job and it is time to leap, they are telling me very clearly to stay put. I’ve always been the one who got dissatisfied and leaped rather than stay and work through the feelings of discomfort. They are telling me that there are lessons to be learned in trust and perseverance. They’re telling me to sit with the discomfort instead of running from it. I can find all sorts of ways to justify running, but they are telling me that none of them are valid. The funny thing is that I stayed in my marriage way too long even though I knew it was time to leave but I would leave jobs at the drop of a hat.

The funny thing is that I have been better about not leaving jobs since John and I split up, but the instincts are often still there just like they are now. I’m going to choose to trust them.

Three of Fire

Three of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: This card always seems to me as if the three little creatures are waiting for her to come down from the rock. Circe seems to be stirring up some magic in her pot. Overall, this card gives off a vibe of waiting.

Book: Ideas have a life of their own, Knowing lore of all places, Friend of the witches, creative ability is high.

Guidance: Make the most of your creativity, express it, embrace change, mix up things in your life, change up your house

Journaling

Interesting that I pulled this card as I am embracing change and changing my personal space. I’m also cleaning out and getting rid of things that no longer serve me. This is a time of transformation and I feel the energy of change flowing.

Despite all the nastiness in the government, I feel good changes are afoot and it is time to embrace my creative side.

December 18, 2017

I love the thought that ideas have a life of their own and that we can manifest ourselves.

December 27, 2017

One of the things I’ve realized with this round of cleansing and getting rid of is that I don’t have to purge everything at once. I can take my time and genuinely evaluate what serves me before I just get rid of it all. I’ve decided I’m going to take the next year to work through the books on my bookshelf in the wood room and I’m going to either keep them permanently, keep them as I haven’t read them yet, or get rid of them. I don’t have to make a decision today. In the past, I always thought that if I made a decision, I had to implement it right away, but I’ve realized that’s not true. I can take time to evaluate and gently get rid of things instead of rushing to get rid of them. Doing things this way brings me peace instead of frustration

Explorer of Fire

First Impressions: Being one with the flame, being surrounded by the flame, dancing in the dark, playing with fire. This card speaks to secrets and the unknown as the woman dancing with fire is masked. I read this card as someone who is a risk taker, someone who is not afraid of getting burned. She has a confidence, almost an arrogance. There may be energy there that is not so playful.

Book: Playing with fire, taking risks, a woman who is balance, coordinated, flexible, and daring, fire consumes, and transforms, it’s important to take precautions when dancing with fire.

Guidance: Share your enthusiasm and let sparks fly, take a bold stand, move toward what you want in life

Journaling:

I’m wondering exactly what this card means for me. Does it mean that I’m playing with fire in relationships? Does it mean I should be bold and make a move? It’s interesting as the fire dancer has come up several times in readings about relationships. I also wonder if this card is symbolic of the dance we do.

I am getting such a strong message right now that I need to step back and that everything will all work out. I need to step back and get out of my own way.

February 4, 2018

Interesting cards lately as I’m really getting the message that it is time for me to be bold about my own life. It is time for me to choose my own path and to walk away from things that no longer serve me. And waiting for him to come around no longer serves me. I deserve a life of wonder and passion and it is time for me to claim that life.

Explorer of Fire

Explorer of Fire
Gaian Tarot

Book:

You are playing a dangerous game, you like being the center of attention, you like to dominate, let the contours and dramas of our life soften us.

Journaling:

Oddly enough this was the actual card of the day today. It’s interesting to me because they are both fire cards and in some ways have very contradictory meanings. While the five of fire seems to be a warning about playing with fire, this card is about exploring and getting to know fire.

Is this card telling me that I’m finally ready to play with fire and it is time for him to come into my life? The funny thing is that I’m not even sure that’s what I want in my life anymore. I’m at a point in my life where I WANT someone in my life, but no longer NEED someone in my life like I did at one point. I’m fairly strong and confident in who I am all by myself. I think that’s part of why I am so torn because I love my life in Cleveland. I loving having independence. I love being able to do what I want with my house and not having to collaborate with anyone else. I also don’t want to be with someone who will hold me back. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not ready to sacrifice my life for someone else’s.

I was thinking about K. this morning and about how he values and appreciates my journeys. He sees it as amazing and spiritual and not weird like someone else does. Someone else sees it as fantasy at best and demonic at worst and I don’t know if that’s what I want in my life. Having someone who views my gifts that way is just another way that I put myself down and feel less than.

December 24, 2017

Interesting as when I originally wrote this, I did feel this way intellectually, but there was a part of my heart that still needed to have someone special in my life and I wanted the person that I wanted. I’ve come a long way in the past year and a half and although I do want someone in my life, I’ve truly become more comfortable in my own skin and I’m realizing the joys of being my own person and not having to answer to anyone.

Five of Fire

Five of Fire
Gaian Tarot

Journaling:

Interesting that this was not technically the card of the day. I clicked on Draw a Card in the app instead of Today’s Card and this is what I got. This card is very apt though as I am playing with fire as I am letting all rhyme and reason go out of my head where a certain someone is concerned. I could let myself get totally consumed by his flame and that would not be a healthy place for me to be, but there is a part of me that doesn’t care.

May 8, 2016

I’m still not sure what the meaning of this card is. I originally thought it was about playing with fire and getting burned, but the fire breather controls the fire without getting burned. I think this requires some more prayer and meditation.

December 25, 2017

The five of fire can be an incredible high, but it can also be dangerous as the person breathing fire and /or the audience can get burned. I think the message for me is to be careful. I have the tendency to become obsessed and let myself be consumed by people and things. I’ve been working hard to learn to take a step back and I have to say I’ve been way better about it.