finding my own life – Cairn by Cairn

The Bliss of Balance

Somedays there is nothing better than curling up under the covers with a good book, a furry dog, and a glass of hot chocolate, but there’s also something to be said for being busy and for having tasks that give you a sense of purpose and a feeling that you’re contributing to something bigger than yourself. The trick is to find that perfect level of balance between so many tasks you can’t think straight and so little to do that you’re dying of boredom.

Back in the days when my friends were warning me that I really needed to find balance in my life or I was going to self destruct, I thought there was some perfect level of busy that would bring my life back into balance. Sadly, I’ve found that life isn’t always like an algebra problem where if you apply the perfect formula and know all the variables, you’ll get the right answer. Life’s a little more like art where what worked yesterday might not work today.

Finding balance in one’s life is learning to appreciate the ebb and flow of life. The level of busy that feels right today might not feel right tomorrow. For instance, over the Christmas holiday, I was pretty much a slug as I spent some time each day cleaning house, but mostly I read books, slept, spent time with my family, and generally recharged my batteries. I thought about working a few times over break, but mostly the feeling passed and I went back to being a vacationing slug. However, now that I’m back at work, I’m feeling the the urge to dance to a different rythm, one of working 8 to 9 hours a day and then spending time with my family.

In years past, I would have kicked myself for kicking back over the holidays and relaxing when I could have been so much further ahead if I would have put my nose to the grindstone and short changed my family and myself in the interest of work. However, after the tough lessons of the past year especially the one that companies don’t really care about how much you sacrifice, I’ve realized that I need to make sure to take care of myself and my family because if I don’t, no one else will look out for us.

The really interesting thing about work is that it does expand or contract to fill the available time. Sure, working over the holidays might have meant I finished some tasks a little earlier, but taking the time to relax and recharge means that I’m looking at things with a fresh perspective and the tasks are taking less time because my batteries are recharged.

The one lesson I’ve learned over the past year is that work will always be there, but the important things don’t aways wait for you to finish your work. I’ve learned to seize the time away from work as my time. That doesn’t mean that when duty calls, I won’t work the 14 hour days to push a project over the finish line, but it does mean that after we’re over the finish line, I’ll take some time to kick back relax and recharge.

2009: Lessons Learned

There’s something magickal about a new year that lets you symbolically wipe the slate clean and start all over again. However, we cannot only look forward without first looking back over the year that was for as Julia Alvarez famously said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” I started off recapping the year that was, but then I realized that I was doing a repeat of our Christmas letter so I erased it all and started over to focus more on the lessons I’ve learned this year than on the events themselves. There are lots of lessons to be learned in life and sometimes it’s the painful ones that teach you the most. Here’s my roundup of the lessons I’ve learned this year, in no particular order:

Karma Works–I’ve always believed intellectually in Karma, but struggled to see the real world results until this year. I spent 15 months of my life working with a consulting firm that was struggling in every sense of the word. They had some tremendous consultants, but they could not deliver from a corporate perspective and their management was incompetent. Toward the middle of the year, this company ended up going belly up. I’m in a situation right now where I’m waiting for Karma to work and I have to keep reminding myself to take deep breaths because it will work out eventually, which leads me to my next lesson.

You can’t force Karma–No matter how much time I spend bitching and whining about the people who deserve to have karma smack them upside the head, I can’t make Karma happen any faster and all my bitching and whining does is come back and bite me. I have to take deep breaths and let Karma work in its own time.

Bad bosses can make your life a living hell–I’ve been fortunate in my 40+ years on the planet to have had incredibly awesome bosses who have nurtured me and supported me and helped me grow and develop. I’ve written and deleted about three paragraphs about the boss from hell, because I have to be careful what I write. Suffice to say that bosses who are jealous of you, who want you to be a suckup, and who are incompetent do exist and if you are unfortunate enough to work for one your life will be a living hell until you escape.

People will support and take care of competent people–Despite having the boss from hell, I was incredibly fortunate this year that several people who do appreciate my talents and abilities helped me to escape into a better position.

Eating and Exercise really do matter–John’s heart attack was a wake up call for all of us and we’ve been all working very hard to change our diets and start exercising more. It’s really hard to make some of the changes we’ve been making, but we’re persevering.

Being Self Possessed is one of the hardest traits to acquire–I’ve always admired people who are calm, cool, collected and in control of their emotions. I admire them because they seem to glide along on top of things and not let the little things bother them. I, on the other hand, tend to go into spirals where I let little things get to me and I obsess over them even when obsessing over them is like hitting my head against a brick wall. I guess I think if I keep hitting the wall, things will eventually change. I’m not sure how to become self possessed and not let myself be controlled by my emotions.

Companies are all about what have you done for me lately–I have always delivered on every project I’ve undertaken and I’ve sacrificed and done what needed to be done to get the work done, but companies don’t appreciate it. It is all about how much more you can do.

Corporate America Really SUCKS–Okay, I’ve known this one for most of my life, but I let myself get suckered in by the dollars and the supposed camaraderie. It isn’t for real and it’s all about how much the company can bleed you dry. The term companies have coined for this is “churn ’em and burn ’em” and that’s what it’s all about: working people until they burn out.

I put way too much energy into stuff that’s not important–You would have thought that by now I would have learned my lesson about not working extra hours and not giving up family time for a job, but no I’m still doing it. I need to figure out how to accept that a job is just a job and all I owe them is 40 hours and not my heart and soul.

Life Goes On–My life changed when my dad died last year, but life went on. The sun rose every morning and set every evening. Life changed, but it went on.

My real passion is empowering people–That’s the thing that makes me excited and I need to figure out how to take my passion and turn it into an income.

Those are the big lessons I learned this year. My next challenge is figuring out how to put those to work for me to change my life for the better.

29 Days of Giving Bliss?

I finished the 29 days of giving challenge back on November 1 and I promised that I’d right a recap about whether or not I felt it had changed my life. I’ve been pondering that question for over a month mainly because every time I thought about it, I reached the conclusion that it hadn’t changed my life and that I really didn’t see what all the hoopla was about. I kept telling myself that that must be wrong because everyone was excited about this and the author got a book published and everything so there must be something to it. However, no matter how many times I turned the question around in my head, I still reached the conclusion that the 29 days of giving had had at best a minimal impact on my life.

The big question was why did I feel it had a minimal impact on my life and that’s the question I’ve really been pondering over a month. I guess the real reason I felt it had minimal impact was because all of the things on the list are things that I would have done anyway. I always try to make the world a little bit better and to do nice things for those around me. The 29 Day challenge didn’t make me give my daughter money for homecoming, I would have done that anyway. Taking the dog for a walk had more to do with my desire for fitness than anything else and I always let someone go in front of me in line if I the person only has one or two items and I have a handful.

The next question was did my consciously noticing and recording the things I’d given and sharing them with the 29 days community make a change in my life and if anything I think that had a negative impact on my life because I felt like I was bragging about doing the right thing. I didn’t need praise or recognition for the gifts and kindness I was sharing because I knew in my heart I’d done the right thing and that meant more than sharing them on a list with others.

As I was trolling through the Internet to get ideas for how to sum this up, I came across several random acts of kindness sites where people recount how kindnesses done by loved ones or strangers have changed their lives. To me it was much more meaningful to read stories from people who recognized the gifts given to them and how those gifts changed their lives.

My life has changed tremendously since I’ve started this blog as I’m consciously looking for the good things in life and recognizing those has led me to a more consistent state of bliss. Life still isn’t perfect, but recognizing the gifts of bliss in my life seems to in a weird sort of way lead to more gifts of bliss in my life.

Self Directed Bliss

The economies in the toilet, people are losing jobs all over the place, and every indication is that it will be a long while before the economy recovers and companies start hiring again. A lot of my good friends have lost jobs due to the economic downturn and several of them are looking at it as a blessing instead of a curse.

One of my very best work friends was let go in August from a job he’d had for about 18 months. He’d spent the last several months in a situation that was uncomfortably close to mine: a younger boss who was clueless who felt threatened by his talents and his ability to build relationships. It seemed that nothing he did was right and every time he turned around he was getting dinged for some minor infraction of the unspoken rules (i.e. his boss didn’t like him and was out to get him). After the hell his boss put him through he was feeling relieved when the ax finally dropped and he was let go. He was also fortunate in that he’d just come into an inheritance that would sustain him and his family for a while.

I saw him for lunch a few weeks ago and rather than being upset and depressed about being out of work, he was choosing to see it as a positive and was investing time in his family, volunteering at his church, and working on his investments. The turn around in his bliss level in just three months was amazing. He was relaxed, confident, and back to the old joking self that I’d come to appreciate.

Another friend of mine works in the Miami office of my company and she’s been notified that her last day with the company is 3/31/09. I was amazed when I saw her this week and found that she was amazingly happy and up beat. She’s making plans for a future that doesn’t include corporate America. She’s been prototyping jewelry for the last few months and is working on creating a web-based business selling her designs. The happiness flowed off of her as we talked and I felt happier just being around her and listening to her plans for the future. She told me that she was looking at her release from her current position as a sign that she should follow her bliss (okay, my word and not hers) and work on creating her own reality. Like my other friend, she’s fortunate in that she has the financial resources to live without a “real” job for a while.

Basking in my friends happiness, I almost wished that I’d get laid off so that I could work full time on creating my own bliss instead of spending 40 to 50 hours a week working for the benefit of a company. Unfortunately, I’m not in the position to do that, but the lessons in bliss I’ve learned from my friends is that happiness comes from following your dreams and being master of your own time and not slaving for someone else. Applying that to my own life means that I need to draw boundaries around my work life and home life and spend my own time working on the things that are important to me.