Category: family

Everyday Courage

I did something courageous today:  I talked to people.  I’m not being funny or sarcastic or anything but truthful when I say that for me going up and initiating a conversation at social event is courageous.  I can get up in front of a room and talk to hundreds of people without breaking a sweat.  I can play host to multiday gatherings.  I can lead teams at work.  I can do all of those things and fool the world into thinking I’m a very extroverted and social person, but the truth of the matter is in my personal life I’m an introvert who has no real friends.

Most people think that courage is something that other people have, that it’s the force that drives a firefighter into a burning building or a soldier into battle, but the reality is that we all have moments in our life when we are called upon to be courageous.  Courage can be the force that propels us to leave all that we know behind and move across country, it can be the force that gives us the courage to save someone’s life, or it can be the gentle nudge that’s pushing me off the couch and out into the world to make friends.

The dictionary defines courage not as the absence of fear but as “the ability to do something that frightens one.”  I love this definition because it doesn’t say that courage is facing big scary monsters or fighting fires.  All it says is that to have courage we have to do something that frightens us.  That could be facing down a spider, driving to a new city, or riding a bike.

According to an article in Psychology Today, there are six attributes to courage, which I’ve listed below along with some thoughts on how this relates to everyday acts of courage.

Feeling Fear Yet Choosing to Act—I can guarantee us that everyone reading this has acted courageously at some point in their life, even if you wouldn’t label it as such.  Most of us have started a new job even though we’ve been afraid, we’ve stood up and given speeches despite the butterflies in our stomach, we’ve gone away to college, we’ve started a family, we’ve done all those extraordinary and everyday things despite the fear we’ve felt.

Following Your Heart—Following your dreams and your passions is scary and a lot of people choose to stay in the corporate world versus following their dreams.  One of the best examples of this I can think of is my acupuncturist at Grubby Halo Community Acupuncture.  He’s had corporate jobs, but that wasn’t his dream so a few years ago he became an acupuncturist and opened his own clinic.  It hasn’t been easy and I know there are days when business was slow when he may have had doubts, but he persevered and his business is growing every day.

10e4f-caitbunPersevering in the Face of Adversity— My daughter is one of the most courageous people I know and she has faced more in 25 years than a lot of people will in a lifetime.  She has a diagnosis of bipolar with psychosis and while her condition is bad enough the meds sometimes make it worse.  Five years ago she wanted to study in Scotland and she got scholarships to cover it.  However, she’d started a new med right before she left and it gave her jaw spasms that left her jaw locked open.  During the four months she was there she was in the hospital about 10 times to get meds to unlock her jaw.  It was painful and hard, but she didn’t give up and she had a wonderful time despite her condition because she persevered and didn’t let her limitations stop her.

Standing Up For What Is Right—Millions of Americans are exercising their courage as we write letters, march in the streets, and stand up for what’s right.  When I went to the Women’s March in January, I met women who were 60 years old and this was their first march.  Although marching in Downtown Cleveland may not be as dramatic as rescuing Jews during WWII, it is still an act of courage to stand up and speak out.

Expanding Your Horizons; Letting Go of the Familiar—Two years ago my kids and decided that we wanted to move out of Chicago because it was too expensive and there was too much violence.  We explored various cities and ultimately decided to move to Cleveland.  We didn’t know a soul, but we knew it was the right decision so I bought a house, we packed all our belongings, and we moved.  It was hard to let go of the familiar and the safe and to move somewhere where we didn’t know anyone.  And although it was hard and scary, it was the right choice and I will make friends.


bf83d-img_0052Facing Suffering With Dignity or Faith—My daddy died of lung cancer nine years ago and he faced his end with dignity and faith.  Although he may have been afraid, he never showed us his fear.  Instead he focused on how much he loved us and how much faith he had that he was going home to heaven.  He was kind and patient with the nurses even though he was in tremendous pain and he was worked hard to hide the true severity of his pain from my mom.

 

 

Over the past few months, I’ve come up with dozens of excuses not to participate in activities:  I don’t want to go by myself, no one will like me, everyone there already has friends, the wind is blowing the wrong direction (just kidding), etc.  But the truth of the matter is that I’m afraid of getting out and meeting people.  I’m afraid of being rejected.  However, the only way I’m truly going to meet people is to have the courage to put myself out there and if someone I meet doesn’t like me, so what?  I’ll just gather my courage and try again.

An Open Letter to My Mother

Dear Mom,

I’m 49 today and you’re on my mind.  I wish things could be different, but I’ve been turning things over in my mind and I’m not sure how to change things.  You’ve never learned to take personal responsibility for your actions and it’s impossible to have an adult conversation with you without you getting passive aggressive and pulling the “I’m your mother card.”  Yes, you are my mother and you and daddy provided for me, make sure I was fed and clothed, and made sure that I knew that I didn’t matter. Continue reading An Open Letter to My Mother

Streets of Bliss

You can learn a lot from your kids if you really take the time to listen and get to know them. State of Illinois law requires that Caitlin drive for 50 hours before she qualifies to get her license and it is amazing how much we talk while we’re out driving. Caitlin is, self admittedly, directionally challenged and has been known to get lost four blocks from home. However, tonight I learned her trick for figuring out how to get somewhere.

We were driving down Algonquin Road and I told her that she should turn at Quentin Road. She looked at me confused and said she didn’t know which street that was. I told her it was the one that we’d gone on the other night when we were out driving and she said, “Oh, that’s ‘Scary Creepy Street.'” Later, I asked her if she wanted to turn down, Illinois and she said, “Oh that’s, Street with the school I used to go to with the really mean teacher.”

As we talked, I realized that she’d been using her personal street naming conventions for a while and when she put streets in terms she remembered, her navigational abilities greatly improved. She pointed out that her names were meaningful and personal and that she was “embracing her inner Cherokee.” She said that everyone should have their own names for streets and that people who were really close would know each other’s names for streets. For instance, one of her friend Jimmy’s friends could tell him to “Go down the street where you rolled the stop sign and got a ticket” and they’d understand each other perfectly well.

Here are some of Cat’s personal favorites:

  • Pretty street that goes through Busse Woods
  • Scary creepy street
  • Street of old dead math-liking guy
  • Street of the fuzzy psycho dog (our street as Luke is the fuzzy psycho dog)
  • Boring street I have to walk down for work
  • Street with Smiley’s with the really good ribs (so I hear)
  • Street with the pretty church
  • Street of the million fireflies
  • Parking lot to get to Meijer
  • Bumpy scary street with Pepe’s Restaurant
  • Barker Lane for the smokers
  • Street with the Starbucks where we almost got trapped during a snowstorm (on the way to Alexian Brothers)
  • Street to get to the big pet store
  • Street where Sean got stuck driving to Treasure Hunt
  • Intersection where the bipolar guy killed his family
  • Street with Napoli’s where Jimmy takes me when he’s in a good mood
  • Street that I walk on to go deposit my check
  • Street that I always end up on when I’m walking alone at night
  • Street with the really creepy house at Halloween
  • Street with the trailer-trash year-round Christmas light house
  • Street with two pet stores
  • Other Kennicott that Jake drove me down
  • Street that goes by the big haunted hill
  • Street that goes through the haunted forest
  • The first street to Grandma’s house
  • Street that I know we’re almost to Grandma’s
  • Street with the good sledding hill

I challenge you to spend some time really listening to your kids to get a better understanding of their world and to take some time to come up with some blissful street names of your own.

Counting My Blissings

This weekend started out great because John had a good doctor’s appointment and was cleared to go back to work, however it turned crappy pretty quick as as something that we thought had been taken care of a long time ago has reared it’s ugly little head and threatened our financial future. We both felt as if we’d taken a big kick to the gut especially because when we called to try to resolve it and get information, we were lied to and told it was all taken care of and there were no issues.
The bad news put a damper on our entire weekend and it was hard to enjoy our good news and the time off because we have no clue how we’re going to resolve this issue. We’ve tried multiple times to resolve it ourselves in the past and apparently have failed, so we’ve pretty much decided it’s time to bring in professionals, but who? I spent most of the weekend online researching firms who might be able to help us and getting more and more confused. It’s Sunday evening and I’m still not sure who we’re going to go with, but the one thing that became more and more clear to me as the weekend wore on was that I could not let this area of my life define who I am as a person. Because I was stressed out and angry over this, I snapped at my daughter and made her feel bad about myself, I didn’t enjoy the time that Sean was home over the weekend, and I sat and moped instead of being productive. I spun these big spider webs of horror about all the things that could go wrong. All of them are legit, but they will only happen if I choose to be a victim and not address this head on.
The other thing I realized that I was doing the one thing that I said I wouldn’t do and that was to focus on the negative instead of all the wonderful things going on in my life. I don’t often take time to sit down and make a list of all the things that are right with my life and that I should be grateful for. So here goes:
  1. We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, a car to get us to work, and the essentials of life. Reading the newspaper and looking around, this is a huge blessing that we all to often take for granted.
  2. John survived his heart attack and is well on the road to recovery. He got the green light to go back to work on Monday.
  3. I have two healthy and smart kids who are kind, responsible, and for the most part respectful.
  4. John and I both have jobs that pay the bills and where we are appreciated and respected for what we bring to the table.
  5. I have people at work who believe in me, support me, and will go to bat for me. That means a whole lot.
  6. Not to brag, but I’m intelligent, hard working, and I bring a lot to whatever organization I work for.
  7. I am a kind person who tries to do her best every day and make people’s lives a little easier. I’m certainly not always perfect and there are a lot of times where I’m thoughtless, but I keep trying to do my best.
  8. I have my health. Although I’m not in perfect health, I’m working on it and getting better every day. Trying is half the battle and eventually I will get in good shape.

  9. I’m loved by my family and friends.

  10. My incredibly awesome dog Luke who loves me and believes in me no matter what.

So no matter what is going wrong with my life, there is a wonderful bliss in knowing that there are things going right.

Remembering Dad

My daddy would have been 74 today and I spent a lot of time today thinking about who he was, some of the adventures we shared, and giving thanks that I had a dad for the first 42 years of my life. I’m sure that some people think that I think my dad’s a saint based on some of my blog entries, but I know that he wasn’t a saint, just a good man trying to live the best life he could. Some of my favorite memories of dad:

The Arch–My grandma lived in Popular Bluff, MO and we would go to visit her at least three or four times every year and we usually drove straight down 55 from Chicago to St. Louis and the first one who saw the St. Louis Arch got ice cream. Of course, the reality was that we all got ice cream, but my brother and I always competed to see who would see the glistening aluminum arch first. The Arch was special to my parents because it was completed the October after they were married so there first few trips to St. Louis together they saw it being built.
The Zoo–My dad was the ultimate animal lover and no matter what town we were in we had to go to the zoo. We visited zoos in Alabama, Florida, Texas, and every state in between. However, no matter how many zoos we visited, the St. Louis zoo was always our favorite because it was the one we visited most often. We would go to the zoo several times a year and my dad always loved the bears. The tradition of visiting the zoo continued after my kids were born and we visited Lincoln Park Zoo together and my parents took them visit the zoo.
Family Vacations–We went on a family vacation almost every year I was growing up. We visited Gettysburg, Galveston, Iowa, and a host of other states. One of the most memorable trips was to the south when I was a kid. We visited the U.S.S. Mobile and visited the ocean. On our way home, we were camping when a tremendous storm came up and my brother got thrown off the bed and cut his head on the table. We rushed him to the hospital where we found out that we were actually camping out in a hurricane. Another great memory was visiting St. Augustine, FL and looking out at the ocean with my dad. We also visited Sea World on one trip and I remember it was the first time I realized that there was a whole other world out there under the sea. My parents really believed that vacations should be educational so they tried to make sure that at least a little learning was thrown in on each vacation.
Stuck in the snow–One trip to Poplar Bluff, MO we ended up stuck on the highway because it was shut down. The snow had already stopped, but traffic for miles came to a grinding halt and everyone got up and out of their cars and were walking around. Oddly enough, my father ran into a couple of his friends from his hometown and chatted with them until traffic started moving again.
Donuts with Dad–Until I discovered Krispy Kremes, I thought the absolute best glazed donuts in the world were made in this little donut shop in Poplar Bluff, MO. Every morning while we were in Poplar Bluff, we’d go to the donut store and get donuts for the extended family. Not only did my grandmother live in Poplar Bluff, my dad had several aunts and a brother living in town so there was always someone to visit.

Locks and Eagles–Once my dad retired, he loved going to the river to watch the boats go through the locks and dams and to see the eagles soaring along the Mississippi. Most of the time when we went out to visit, we either drive out to the river to watch the boats or to see the eagles. My parents always took the kids out to the river when they were younger and some of there most treasured memories are of going to the river with their grandfather.

Daddy’s Motorcycle–My dad wasn’t the type of person you’d think would end up with a motorcycle, but he had several while I was growing up that he used to commute to work and to take trips with my mom and dad. My dad’s motorcyling days came to an abrupt end on the day he had a serious wreck on his bike and his outline was scorched into the earth. He wasn’t seriously injured, but he took it as a sign that he should give up the bike.

Have a happy birthday Daddy, wherever you are.

Christmas Card Bliss

Sending Christmas cards is an old fashioned tradition that seems to have fallen out of fashion as fewer and fewer people are taking the time to actually send Christmas cards. However, it is one of my favorite traditions as it gives me time to sit and reflect upon the year that was and to think forward to the year that is coming. I’ve decided to include our Christmas letter below, with a few minor modificaitons to protect the “innocent.”

December 24, 2009
Dear Friends,

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m sitting in front of my window looking out at the cold and snowy park across the street and thinking about how much I have to be grateful for this holiday season. First is the big one: that John survived a heart attack earlier this month. The doctors removed a complete blockage in one artery and put a stent in, and found another blockage that he will have to have taken care of in the near future. He spent five days in the hospital, but he’s home now, slowly regaining his strength. We’re working very hard to change our lifestyle to include less fats and more exercise. It’s a huge challenge, but giving up cheeseburgers seems like a pretty small sacrifice if it means having John around for a long time.

John was able to go back to work virtually (i.e. telecommuting) the week after his heart attack. He’s a Network Security Administrator for a company downtown so he’s fortunate that he has a job he can do remotely. He’s been there for a little over three years and he really enjoys his job and the people he works with. His office is downtown on Michigan Ave. I really didn’t appreciate how cool it was to work on Michigan Ave until he was at the hospital at Northwestern Memorial and I got to spend time hanging out downtown.

Sean’s at the University of Illinois Chicago and after a rocky first year, he’s settled into the rhythm of college life and is learning to balance work and play. He’s living downtown in the dorms and he loves being downtown and being able to take public transportation everywhere he goes. He has a job in the AV lab at school and is the acting captain of the debate team. He’s also very fortunate in that two of his best friends are also going to school downtown so he gets to see them quite often. Sean got a head start on adapting a healthier lifestyle as he’s been working at reading labels and exercising more for the last six months.

Caitlin, or Cat as she prefers to be called, is a senior in high school and looking forward to graduating and going to school at UIC. She and Sean are planning to share an apartment, mainly so that she can have all of her “children” with her. Cat inherited her love of animals from her grandfather and she has two birds, a hamster, a fish, and two guinea pigs. Cat’s active on her school paper, The Pacer, which has won several awards both last year and this year, and is an award-winning debater. She also works part time at our local bakery where she’s a valued member of the team and has even been told by her manager that she should go into marketing because of her friendly customer service.

As for me, I’m still working at the same company, but I’ve changed jobs and am the Customer Relationship Manager for our Shared Service Center. For the most part I enjoy my job and my coworkers, but what I really love about my job is that it’s only five minutes from home and I can slip out every so often and meet Caitlin for lunch. I’ve also started blogging (www.myeverydaybliss.com) and have been working on a couple of books that I hope to have published next year.

The most important member of our family, our dog Luke, takes his job of guarding the house seriously and he chases the mailman away every day and makes sure that our yard is free of squirrels. We are truly blessed to have him in our family and three years after adopting him, we still can’t believe that two families sent him back to the shelter because he is the sweetest and most loving dog imaginable.

I sincerely hope that this holiday season finds all of you well and that the New Year holds many opportunities for all of you.

Sincerely,
The Family

Driving Miss Bliss

Teaching my son to drive was a hair raising (and graying) experience. It seemed as if I was constantly screeching at him to slow down, not drive so close to the parked cars, not stop so fast, not, not, not. Looking back, I realize that was exactly the wrong way to inspire confidence and teach him to be a good driver. However, at the time I was incredibly freaked out about the thought of my 16 year old son behind the wheel of a 3,500 lb chunk of steel. I kept envisioning us getting sandwiched under a semi like some scene from a high speed chase.

Four years later that perspective seems pretty silly as I’m realizing that even though I wasn’t behind the wheel and my foot couldn’t reach the gas pedal (unless you count the imaginary one I kept stomping on), I was still in control. I controlled when he went driving because I had to be in the car with him and I controlled the route that we were driving on.

Those lessons have stood me in good stead with my daughter as her driving experience is not quite so nerve racking as my sons. I’ve timed her driving so that it’s early in the evening when most folks are at dinner and we’ve limited her driving to sleep suburban side streets. I still get a little freaked out by how close the cars parked along the side of the road seem from the passenger’s seat, but I’m realizing that even if we hit the car she’s going slow enough that there would be minimal damage and that’s what insurance is for.
Cat is a very cautious driver who takes her responsibilities seriously and she is realistic in her estimate of her skills. We went driving last night and she did a very nice job at stopping at the stop signs, signalling, and overall being a conscientious driver. We even went to a nearby parking lot to practice fishtailing, but the gods of winter driving were not very cooperative and every time she slammed on the brakes to try and fishtail, we glided gently to a stop.
Despite the gray hairs and the claw marks in the dashboard, I’m happy to teach Cat to drive because the feeling of watching her develop a new confidence in her abilities is a blissful experience in and of itself.

Ungrinching Bliss

Christmas starts way too early in America with stores putting out decorations and doodads earlier and earlier each year. This year the earliest siting in my area was August when I happened to be in Hobby Lobby and they were already setting out the aisle of Christmas decorations. When I was a child, there were very set “rules” for when holiday merchandise was to be unveiled. School supplies made their first appearance in late July, Halloween costumes showed up in the stores early in October, Turkeys and assorted Thanksgiving goodies made their appearance right after Halloween, and Christmas showed up the day after Thanksgiving.

I typically don’t buy into the corporate guilt to buy buy buy until sometime after Thanksgiving and then I start thinking that maybe I’d better start buying Christmas presents. The first presents are typically bought grudgingly as I see something in the store and buy it because if I don’t, I’ll never get my shopping done. My first shopping painful as I think about how many presents I have to buy, do some mental bitching because I’m always the one doing the shopping, and keep a mental tally to make sure that everyone gets treated equally.

This year the first gifts were the expensive ones as Sean and John got Cliqs for Christmas and because I can never keep a secret for long, they ended up getting them before the holidays. I bought Caitlin a few little things because after all I had to get her something if I was getting the boys something even though I knew exactly what her main present was going to be and had budgeted for it.

I managed to avoid the holiday insanity for the first few weeks of the season and then something clicked like it does every year and the joy of giving overwhelmed me. Buying presents started to feel like less of a chore and more of a joy. Instead of thinking about having to buy presents, I started thinking about the joy of giving and about how much I hoped my loved ones would like the things I was giving for them.

Oddly enough it is the little presents and stocking stuffers that I always buy with the most joy. The big presents are the hardest ones because there is so much money at stake and all too often too many expectaitons that they have to be perfect. With the secondary gifts, it’s easier to take risks and buy the gifts that you think are perfect, but that might not be.

It’s easy to buy someone a new phone or a new computer, but it’s harder to think about things that will bring people joy. I took some time today to explore the second hand stores and speciality stores for stocking stuffers that were meaningful. I found Caitlin an adorable gift at a second hand store (can’t say what it is becuase she reads my blog), got Sean some cool stuff at the dollar store, and spent hours searching through bookstores to find a Celtic Woman CD for John (it’s okay, I wussed and gave it to him early). None of these thinks cost a lot of money, but they’re all meaningful gifts from the heart.

The grinch has been replaced with the bliss of giving in my heart as I think about the joy that my gifts will bring my family and about the joy that their joy will bring me. What could be more perfect?