Category: Faerie Tarot

Daily Draw: Ten of Swords

First Impressions:  Demands from every angle, betrayal, knives in the back

Book:  Failure, dead end choices, learning lessons the hard way, thinking things to death, situation is not as bad as it looks, people acting against seeker

Guidance:  Trust, do not overthink, a new day will dawn

Journaling

It actually wasn’t that bad of day today.  I let go of worrying about the future and all that was or was not going to happen and just trusted.  I trusted that somehow it is all going to work out.  One thing I have found is that working with tarot is that it really keeps me grounded din the present.  The card a day stays with me and I focus on what I need to do today.

May 25, 2018

Tarot does help keep me grounded and it is a reminder that there is a world outside of my little world.  Going to the cemetery reminds me of the same thing as sometimes I get so caught up on what is happening in my world at this very moment that I forget that there is a great big world out there where what’s going on in my world really doesn’t matter.

The one thing about myself that I’m starting to realize is that there are times that I exhibit signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I find myself feeling empty even when life is going really well and I get overly attached to people.  I also find myself concerned about what other people are thinking about me and feeling as if I may be stabbed in the back.   A lot of this is making it all about me and that is not healthy to me.

I have to work hard to keep myself from making inappropriate outbursts or flat out asking if I am going to be fired.  I seem to have no sense of worth and if I am not constantly being praised, I am afraid people don’t like me.  This is not a good way to live and I’m realizing that the time in my life when I was not feeling like this was when I was in Al-Anon.  When I was doing program work, I felt so much more centered and balaned

Daily Draw: Nine of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Independence, standing on my own two feet, leading my own life

Book:  Pinnacle of self won achievement, material abundance and grace to appreciate it, love of plenty, disciplined, solitary enjoyment of good things in life

Guidance:  Focus on team work, appreciate what you have, let others in

Journaling:

This card is about me and reflects so much of where I am.  I do have material things, but I’m also lonely.  This is where my heart is as I do appreciate the nice things in  my life, but I really want someone to share my life with.  Having nice things is not very meaningful if there is no one to share them with.  I’m fortunate to have the kids, but it’s not the same.

May 25, 2018

I realize that this is supposed to be a positive card, but I always get the impression of a woman in a gilded cage when I look at this card.  She has all of these wonderful things, but she is in a walled garden that appears to not have a gate.  I don’t want to live in a walled facility even if I am surrounded by wonderful things.

I want a gate in my wall so that I can go out in the world and experience it and so that someone loving and kind can come in and be part of my life.  I’m realizing as I mature that I love my solitude and that is not a bad thing.  John and I had such a sick codependent relationship that being alone was not something I did well.  I’m realizing that a big part of the reason that I loved to travel for work because I liked having my alone time.  I could be myself and read, pray, and do the things that mattered to me instead of constantly catering to his whims. 

He made it impossible to have time for myself because every time I started doing something that I really enjoyed, he would sabotage it.  He sabotaged graduate school, he sabotaged water aerobics, he sabotaged jobs.  He was so insecure that he could not stand it if I was better than him at anything. 

That’s a big part of the reason that I’m afraid to put myself out there and meet someone else.  I’m really afraid of being in another relationship where I lose myself.

Daily Draw: Six of Swords

First Impressions:  Moving away from chaos, calm seas ahead

Book:  Journey, passage away from hardship, moving on, but bringing baggage

Guidance:  Cut one’s losses and move on, unload some baggage

Journaling

Definitely a message that I’ve been getting lately that I need to let go of the baggage and move on  It is also something that I’ve been trying to do, but i keep getting dragged back to Chicago.  I’m ready to move on, but I keep being stuck in projects in Chicago and I don’t know why I’m stuck in Chicago or what lessons I’m supposed to be learning.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing that the lesson I needed to learn was that I needed to make an actual decision to leave Chicago and t cut ties.  As long as I was choosing to keep one foot in the city, I was keeping myself bound to Chicago.  I had to deliberately make the decision to not keep going back to Chicago for emotional fulfillment.  That has been a really hard decision for me to make, but it was the right decision for me and my decision not to go to Chicago with Sean a few months ago really helped move me in the right direction.

Daily Draw: Judgement (R)

First Impressions:  Stuck, not moving on

Book:  Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency

Guidance:  Don’t try to change others, take action to move forward

Journaling

One of the things I’m realizing is that I have to drop the weight.  It is literally killing me.  A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don’t care if I live or die.  I really need to change my attitude and ask for help.  The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018

I’m still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where  feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola.  It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day.  I’m also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones.  I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc.  It is a whole vicious circle.  I’ve gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better.  The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost.  I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.

The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much.  However, I’m realizing that maybe I’m not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle.  However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better.  I’m going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.

Daily Draw: Death (R)

First Impressions:  Slow Change

Book:  Seeker feels stuck, feels like nothing has been accomplished, remove the blockage, let go and move on, fear of change, depression

Guidance:  Let go and move on, work through the fear

Journaling

This card reflects where I’ve been lately.  I have been stuck and feeling as if I am never going to move on.  I don’t know if I am holding too tightly to the past or what.  I know I still want X and I really don’t want anyone else. It’s also so hard to move on when I am still stuck in Chicago half the time.  Even this week when I’ve been home, it feels like why bother when I know I will be back in Chicago next week.

May 25, 2018

One of the ways that I know that I am changing is that I am able to feel so much compassion for the pain I was in.  I no longer look at what I’ve written and cringe at my whining, but instead I acknowledge the pain that I was in and realize that not treating myself with compassion was a big part of the reason that I stayed stuck in my pain is that I did not have compassion for myself.  Instead, even if I didn’t write it on the page, I was internally berating myself and channeling my mother who told me to suck it up. 

Having heard messages like that for over 40 years, it is no wonder that I am cruel to myself.  That bitch constantly belittled me, put me down anytime I showed a “negative” emotion, and always made it about other people.  I’m realizing that she had no business being a mother as she had no clue how to be supportive and loving.  I am so fortunate that I had other women in my life who were positive and loving and who did encourage me.  I need to focus on that support and not on her constant put downs. 

I am so proud of myself for breaking free of her negativity.  It is hard in this country to walk away from a parent and say she is toxic.  Everyone seems t think that if someone is your parent that you owe them and that walking away is cruel.  I’m sure that she does view it as cruel, but it is the thing that saved my life.  Having Blaze offer unconditional love helped, but having the courage to walk away from my mother is what truly started me down the path to healing.  Knowing that I did not need her support and that I could CHOOSE to cut her out of my life was powerful and was the one thing that truly started me down a healing path.

Even though it has been eight years since I’ve seen her and seven since I’ve talked to her, there are till days when her nasty voice creeps back into my head and I have to have Frank escort her to the door and tell her to F* off.  However, lately I’ve been doing a good job of escorting her out of my head myself and telling her to F* off.

So incredibly proud of myself for getting rid of that toxic influence!!

Daily Draw: Knight of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Solid, Grounded

Book: I want the job done right, I better do it myself.  Good soldier, practical, purposeful, methodical, rational, resourceful

Guidance:  Ground yourself, focus on the day to day, take care of yourself

Journaling

I need this message today as I am battling something nasty and I am reminded to be practical and take care of myself and my surroundings.  I just need to focus on what needs to be done.  There is no need to get angry or upset.  I just need to be practical and grounded.

May 25, 2018

I truly love what I wrote here, even though it was not very much because it shows that I was all about taking care of myself and putting myself first.  I wasn’t berating myself for being sick or saying that I had to do everything in in the world for everyone else.  I was kind and loving to myself and said that I mattered and that I needed to put myself first.

Wow!  That was huge for me as usually I am all about denying my own needs and putting everyone else’s first.  I am so incredibly proud of me for writing that.  I love reading through my old journals as they show me that I am truly growing and changing and that I am being a better friend to myself and am getting so much better at taking care of me.

Daily Draw: Queen of Cups

First Impressions:  Emotional fulfillment, happiness

Book:  Nurturing, warm, tender, sympathetic, intuitive, strong people skills, charisma, over thinking, over protective

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, trust your intuition, pull back from our emotions and do not let yourself drown in them

Journaling

I was able to step back and look at my emotions without getting bogged down in them.  I’m learning that sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is to acknowledge what I’m feeling.  I spend so much time wearing a mask and pretending that life is okay but when I am truly honest with myself, I’m able to have the feelings and let them go without holding on to them.  I was able to I was scared without fear or shame and that was huge.

May 25, 2018

I have become so much better at nurturing myself and being kind to myself when I am feeling sad or lonely.  Before I was all about beating myself and berating myself for having “negative” emotions, however the more I have distanced myself from my mother and the more I have worked to find compassion for myself, the more I am able to accept all of who I am without judging myself.  That’s not to say it isn’t easy or that there are not days when I don’t still beat myself up, but mostly I’m able to take a step back and say that it is okay and love myself.  I’m realizing that at the end of the day, the only person I truly will always have in my life is me and that I need to be kind to myself.

Daily Draw: Ace of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Stuck, lack of clarity

Book:  Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head

Journaling

I feel like nothing I do matters for me.  Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me.  We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I’m still stuck in Chicago every week.  All I want is to find love and be happy.  I have to be honest and say that I’m thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn’t seem to matter for me.  I feel like just a vehicle for other people’s happiness, but I’m not worthy of happiness myself.

Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that’s hard when life sucks and you don’t have the one thing that matters.  I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with.  I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me?  Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough?  I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me.  I’ve fought so hard against needing someone, but I’m ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.

Goddess, please guide me to my love.

May 24, 2018

I wish that I could say that in the time since I’ve written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I’ve been working really hard not to lie to myself.  There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely.  However, I’ve been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways.  That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don’t like to be selfish.  However, I’m starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing. 

A big part of the reason, I’m able to start doing this is because I’m able to say F* you to my mother’s voice in my head.  I’m able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things.  I deserve a car of my own.  I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me.  I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch.  I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.

It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday.  And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people.  That is all so much BS.  I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me.  I am capable of doing all of those things by myself.  That doesn’t mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me.  But what she added on actually made me feel good.  She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding.  That made me feel good

Daily Draw: Four of Swords

First Impressions:  Rest, Recuperate

Book:  repair the psyche, tie of rest, need to recover one’s strength, hungry for quiet, restoring to normalcy

Guidance:  Step back, rest

Journaling

Interesting that I pulled this card just as I decided that I was going to work from home next week.  I do need a break from Chicago and all that is going on.  The bottle spell (releasing) was huge for me.  I have to be honest and say that i was really sad and wondering if I did the right thing at first, but now I know it was the right thing to do.  I feel so much freer.  It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

May 24, 2018

I had forgotten all about that spell to release my feelings and let fate take its course.  Looking back, I realize that was the beginning of letting go and not letting myself be so obsessed by my feelings for one person.  It took courage to let go and it takes courage every time I make a decision to not go to Chicago and to not turn to him for support.  However, as my relationship with X has gotten looser and not so obsessive, my relationship with S. has become nonexistent.  I have the feeling that the only thing truly holding me to S. was my obsession to X as I was desperate for guidance and advice.

In some ways, it makes me really sad, but in other ways I know that it is for the best and that it is really time for me to let go.  My relationship with S was always kind of weird because he could be so controlling some times and so convinced that his way was the right way.  I thought we had worked through all of that and were in a good place, but now I’m not so sure.  Sometimes it feels as if he just wanted me to be a client and not be a friend.

The only thing I can really do is send him love and light and let go.

Daily Draw: Two of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance:  Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now.  I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn’t what I want.  I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago.  I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here.  For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week. 

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it.  I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago.  For the longest time, I’ve chosen to stay with one foot in each city.  However, I’m realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back.  I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind.  he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go.  Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago.