Category: Faerie Tarot

Daily Draw: Queen of Swords

First Impressions:  Decisiveness, clarity

Book:  Cutting through illusion, intensity, perceptive, quick, confident, bearing our own sorrows, reads people

Guidance:  Curb your words and speak with kindness

Journaling

This is one of my favorite quotes:  “This is a woman who became the way she is today, of her daunting status, because at one point early in her life she was vulnerable and insecure about her self worth.  What a perfect card to pull today.  This really sums up who I am and what I’ve been through.  I finally feel worthy of love and all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I’m also secure in who I am.  I have my moments and I’m not thrilled with my body, but in general, I like who I am.

May 27, 2018

As I look back over the past couple of years when I have been diligent about journaling every day, I’m seeing the changes in who I am and how I perceive myself.  I am strong enough to recognize my flaws, but also loving enough to accept who I am.  Some days it is hard for me and there are days when I still beat myself up, but overall I am in awe of who I am.  I am stronger, but also kinder than I have ever been at any time in my life and I realize that a lot of my strength is about being strong enough to walk away from my mother. 

That took so much strength.  It is acceptable in our society to walk away from a husband or from friends, but the world judges people who walk away from their parents.  It is as if we are supposed to accept any amount of garbage from our parents.  We’re supposed to be strong and capable and get rid of energy vampires, unless they happen to be parents, then we are supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I call bullshit.

Daily Draw: Ten of Pentacles (R)

First Impressions:  Focus on love and emotional ties over vanity and status

Book:  Emotional loss, loss of belongings, home life is not fulfilling, no sense of fulfillment

Guidance:  Focus on love, be open

Journaling

This was a good reminder that it isn’t all about money.  it is important to focus on emotional fulfillment as well as financial fulfillment.  I think we did that by going out to dinner and having a nice evening out.  The carriage ride was the icing on the cake and it was awesome to learn about our city from someone who really gets it.

May 27, 2018

I’m realizing that like with all things there needs to be a balance between money and emotions.  I always thought that John and I were happy, but I’m realizing that being poor kept us together.  We were both so worried about being broke, that it was easier to stay together than to contemplate being single and broke.  The house was what truly broke us apart because we really could not afford it and it exposed all of the cracks in our relationship.

Interestingly enough, I’m making so much more money now and I feel so much more secure than I did when I had to rely on John to pay his half of the bills.  He was never very reliable and deep down inside I knew it, but I kept lying to myself about his reliability and I kept believing his lies.  I remember when we were really struggling and he kept refusing to get a job.  Or when he had a job and he quit because he didn’t like it and didn’t do anything to get a new one.

Looking back, I realize that he was suffering anxiety and depression then, but he refused to admit it.  He was so much better at self medicating than facing his problems and doing what needed to be done.  Even though I know that he was depressed and struggling, it is still hard for me to feel compassion for him because he chose not to do the right thing and he chose to make us all pay for his depression. 

There is a part of me that feels like I will never trust anyone again because I am afraid of being taken advantage of, but that is not a good way to live.  I need to accept that I am stronger now and I am in a much better place than  I was eight years ago.

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles (R)

First Impressions:  Not being open, feeling needy, not connected to the earth

Book:  Feeling uprooted and off center, withholding hospitality, consumed by work, becoming a homebody, shutting out family and friends

Guidance:  Find balance, let go of worry, trust your instincts

Journaling

This represents where I’m at today as I’m feeling out of sorts and out of balance  It feels as if I am spending all my time working and don’t have time to have a relationship.  I feel depleted and as if I am overwhelmed at work.

I know I have to actually make the effort to change things and meet people and create the balance I deserve.  I’m just not 100 percent sure how to do that.

May 27, 2018

I’m not exactly sure where I’m at on this today.  I’m not even sure if I want to meet people or if that is pressure from other people talking.  Most of the time, I’m actually pretty fine with where my life is and I’m really learning to let go of the need to follow everyone else’s drum beat.  I mostly like being my own person and having time for me.  There are days I’m not even sure I want a relationship because it is nice to be my own person and not have to share decision making.  I can be selfish and make the right decisions for me without having to take someone else’s opinion into account.  That is kind of a nice place to be.

Daily Draw: Three of Cups

First Impressions:  Friendship and fellowship

Book:  Celebration, jubilee, merriment, people who are genuine and truly supportive

Guidance:  Rejoice and celebrate

Journaling

This card is hard for me as I really don’t have a lot of friendships to revel in.  I’m a little shy and I’m afraid of getting close to people.  I sometimes feel as if people use me and that doesn’t feel very nice.  I’m feeling that way around S.  a lot.  It feels as if when I need a reading or am buying dinner, eh has time for me, but that when I just need to talk he doesn’t.  I need to sit with this a little while, but it doesn’t feel good.

May 26, 2018

I still don’t have a lot of friends, but I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin and I’m feeling more comfortable alone.  I’m also realizing that it is better to be alone than to have people in your life who use you.  I think where I’m at right now is that I just need to accept that people come into our lives for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach a lesson about who to trust and who not to trust.  S. was someone who I let in and I think that was okay as he helped me and listened when I really needed it.  My life has changed and I no longer fit into his life.  And that’s okay.  I can just let go and know that I learned from him and now it is time to move on.

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles

First Impressions:  One with the earth, earthy sensuality

Book:  Warmly in a relationship with the earth, high value on stability, domesticy

Guidance:  Take pleasure in small daily rituals, love your life

Journaling

I love this card because it helps me feel grounded in the earth and connected.  I feel this way when I do reverse corpse and feel myself in touch with all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I am so glad that I pulled this card today because I needed to be reminded of what an amazing place our earth is and what our place in it is.

May 25, 2018

I drove through Lakewood Cemetery today and I always feel so grounded when I go to cemeteries, because I am reminded that nothing I am going through matters all that much in the big scope of things.  We are born, we live, and we die.  Our job is to live our best lives while we are alive.  We need to love other people, be kind to people, eat healthy, and be the best people we can be.  Sometimes we fall short of those ideals, but when we do, we need to pick ourselves up and keep trying.

I know that I am not a perfect parent and there are times when I am unkind, when I tease the kids too much, or when I do other things that are not nice, but I acknowledge them, apologize and try to do better.  And that is why I am different than the bitch.  She would never acknowledge how she hurt me and she would never try to make it better.  Even when I sent her a letter and outlined all the ways that she had hurt me, she never responded.  I think that hurts almost worse than what she did because it feels like I don’t even matter enough for her to apologize to or try to make amends too. She acts like she is so F*ing hurt that I’m not talking to her, but she refuses to do anything to fix the situation. 

It is as if she is so stuck in her mentality that she is the “elder” (what a joke) so she doesn’t have to do anything or treat me with respect.  It is as if because I am her child, I do not deserve respect.  That is so full of garbage and the complete antithesis of how I treat Sean and Cam.  I know they deserve respect and I know that I am not deserving of respect just by virtue of being their mother.  If I did not treat them with respect, I would not deserve respect from them.  That is the complete opposite of how I was raised and she cannot understand that way of thinking at all

Daily Draw: Three of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Learning from others, collaboration

Book:  Integrity and ethics, spirit of service, unity, combining vision, skill, and spiritual values, spiritual renovation

Guidance:  Learn from others, trust others

Journaling

Perfect card for me to draw today.  This lawsuit threw me for a loop, but I received and instead of hiding from it, I stepped up and did what needed to be done.  I had to rely on my teammates and ask for help.  I also had to accept and realize that I have to breathe and I can’t get all swirly.  Getting all swirly doesn’t help a whole lot.  Again, pulling this card today has helped me stay focused.

May 25, 2018

The lawsuit turned out to be a non-event.  The insurance company settled with the for $25K, which is a whole lot less than they were asking for.  This was a case of my turning it over, asking for help, and it all working out.  At the end of the day, there was nothing that I could really do about it so the only option that I had was to turn it over.

I wish the rest of life was so easy to turn over.  I let myself get all weird and swirly over stuff that I can’t control and I need to stop.  I need to learn to breath and to turn things over.  Life is so much better when I am able to do that.

Daily Draw: Page of Wands

First Impressions:  Enthusiasm, starting something

Book:  Threshold of a newly inspired direction, opportunity to discover potential, embark on self development, creative, enthusiastic, confident

Guidance:  Be Bold, Be Magical

May 25, 2018

Another day that I didn’t journal.  Things must have been pretty intense or I wasn’t feeling well if I didn’t make time to journal.  Even though I didn’t know it when I pulled this card, I was at the beginning of a new adventure and creating my own life.

I was creating my exit from Chicago and in some ways the job i landed at itelligence came out of my putting it out there to the universe that I was ready to leave Chicago.  The Gods heard that and created a pathway for that to happen.  The one thing I don’t understand is why they have not yet created a pathway for love.  I have been pretty vocal about that being what I want to manifest in life, but it hasn’t happened yet.  I’m not sure why and I’m not sure what I would have to do to manifest it.

The only guidance they keep giving me is to be patient.  That is hard guidance for me to follow, but I know in my heart it is the right guidance and I know in my heart that it will work out.

Daily Draw: Devil (R)

First Impressions:  Trapped in uncomfortable choices

Book:  Liberation from restrictions, defeat, release, severance, seeker will overcome evil, tempting fates

Guidance:  Remove what is holding you in bondage

Journaling

This card resonated with me today as it is about accepting and acknowledge all of me.  It is about not denying my shadow aspects.  I don’t have to indulge them, but I need to own them.  I’ve also realized that owning and accepting doesn’t mean I no longer work to grow and change.  It just means I am kind to the lost little girl who needs emotional support.

May 25, 2018

Interesting to read this today as last night I took Cam to Dillards and we bought underwear.  I was taken back to the year I started college and my dad took me shopping for clothes.  I bought expensive silk underwear and I bought this amazing swimsuit.  It was one piece, but it had buttons on the side and high cut thighs.  It was in no way racy, but it made me look and feel good about myself.  However, my stupid relatives had to shame me for having a nice body and wanting to show it off.  That was wrong of them.  I was doing nothing wrong and I was not responsible for their puritan beliefs. 

I don’t still have the awesome body that  had when I was in college, but my body is mine and it deserves to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve love and respect.  And love and respect means feeding myself healthy and nourishing foods that are good for me in the long term and don’t just give me a short term sugar high.

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First Impressions:  Traditional, Friendship, Love

Book: Balance, Dualism, Card of Soul Mates, promise of healing, completing, sharing

Guidance:  Cooperate, Work to Balance

Journaling

Although the book readings and traditional two of cups are about love and partnership, this card strikes me as lonely.  The woman is sitting in her tower with a bird for company.  The look on her face is sad and very bleak.  this card kind of sums up how lonely I feel lately.  I am very lonely and I feel like the good stuff is passing me by.  I feel like all I do is work.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing this card isn’t lonely as much as showing a need to let people in and let ourselves be cared for by others even if those others don’t appear to be what we’re looking for.  I think the message from the universe is about having people and beings in our lives who recognize our pain and who are there for us when we need them  The little critters are there to cheer her up and to bring stardust into her life.  This card is about people who love you showing up for you.

When I look at the card i this context, I do have people who love me and who show up for me when I need them.  The kids are always there for me, Clark shows up and cuddles and makes me laugh.  People at work are supportive of what I’m trying to accomplish.  Even though I don’t have the love of my life, I am loved and supported.

Daily Draw: Eight of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Joy, Aloneness

Book:  Steady progress, training, manifestation, on going process of sowing and reaping, concentrate on each step, on the right track

Guidance:  Focus on each step, stead progress, learn the lessons as presented

Journal:

This was a great card to pull today as I’m being presented with so many lessons.  I’m learning to surf the energy so much more than I ever could before and I am truly learning to live in the present and not got all sucked into what might happen  For instance at work, I’m focusing on what I can do and what I can’t.  I’m in a good space.

May 25, 2018

For me, this card applies not so much to technical skills but to emotional and spiritual skills.  I am learning that for me when I start wanting to pull away from my journaling and distract myself, I am facing something that is very uncomfortable for me.  Right now, I’m focusing on the push/pull of being alone.  I always thought that everyone felt empty and alone when they were not the center of attention, however, I’m starting to realize that most people are capable of maintaining their own sense of identity when they are alone.  That is hard for me to do.  I constantly am worried about what other people think about me instead of being concerned about what I think of me.

Sometimes I feel as if I am easily disposable and that I am empty inside if I do not produce or do great things for other people.  It feels as if there is no substance to me and that it is all about what I produce or do for other people.  It feels as if I don’t matter.  And I can tell that I am getting close to a monumental truth because I have the urge to surf the internet, to go get ice cream, or to distract myself in some other way from facing the hard truths.

However, I also know that I need to be kind to myself and not yell at myself or punish myself for being afraid of facing and admitting how empty I feel inside.  I can tell that I am looking for someone else to fill me up because I’m searching my email for something from the tarot person I reached out to and from my shaman.  I want them to give me the answers and tell me that I am okay and that I am a good person

I’m also looking for S. to fill me up and tell me I’m okay and that he has not walked away from me and that he has just been busy.  I am seeking validation from other people instead of myself and that is not a good spot for me to be in.  I need to take a deep breath and go within me to find out who I am and what I need to do.  I need to be appropriate and not beat myself up, but not distract myself either.

The person who gave birth to me, I don’t even think I can call her a mother any more, profoundly screwed me up by teaching me that my life was all about other people and I am working really hard to reclaim myself and my own sense of belonging within my skin.

I have come so far on this quest to not need outside validation and to accept my own worthiness, but there are days when all the emptiness comes flooding back into my very soul.  I also know that sometimes it is okay to distract myself, especially with chores as sometimes the feeling of accomplishment helps me feel batter about myself.