Daily Draw – Page 3 – Cairn by Cairn

Daily Draw: The Moon

First Impressions: Darkness, howling, intuition, lunacy

Book: Moon is the light in the darkness, Fearing what we do not understand, Primal need guides us on our journey

Guidance: Listen to your dreams, allow the moon to caress you

Journaling

The moon can be about peace or lunacy. The moon can also be a time of great healing. I feel as if my soul is healing today as I let go of all the things that are holding me back. I really need to work sometimes to stay in touch with myself and to let go of everything that brings me down. One of the things I really need to let go of is perceptions. I have perceptions about what other people think and how other people perceive me. That’s where the illusions come in. I assume people think poorly of me or are judging me when that is rarely the case. People usually have either a positive or neutral impression of me, but my own self loathing gets in the way and I project my feelings about myself.

I need to stop doing that. I also need to just stop worrying about what other people think of me. At the end of the day, I need to just STOP. I need to let go of that because I cannot control what other people think of me. The only person I can control is me.

December 25, 2018

One of the most important lessons I have learned this year is that I need both my brain and my heart. My heart and intuition is great, but sometimes I delve into paranoia and that is not healthy for me. Sometimes my paranoia feels like intuition and when that happens I am in trouble. I’ve learned that the trick for me is to step back and ask myself whether it makes logical sense and if it is negative. It’s taken me a while, but I am learning to differentiate between intuition and paranoia. I’ve found that it is usually paranoia if I’m telling myself that everyone is against me.

Daily Draw: Chariot

First Impressions: Pulled two directions, controlling one’s emotions

Book: Directed and controlled energy, clear road to hopes and dreams

Guidance: Use your mind and your heart to be successful, give it your best shot, do what you can

Journaling:

There is so much to think about with the Chariot. My gut instinct react to this card is always about controlling my emotions and keeping them in check. This is so true for me because I have been vulnerable lately and I’ve let the negative voices in my head get the best of me. Everything I don’t do perfectly, I’ve magnified. When I think about our presentation, I did a good job. I was articulate, I made my points, and I did a good job. It is not my fault that our presentation was a mishmash and it is not my fault that other people convoluted testing and training. None of that is my fault. I can only control me. Everything else is outside of my purview. I provide my input and if people choose not to listen, there is nothing that I can do about it. I cannot control the universe.

I think I need to have that tattooed on my forehead because I continually forget. I also need to quit taking everything so personally. It’s not personal. I know that part of the reason that I do this is that all I have in life is work. I need to expand my horizons and make work a part of my life instead of my whole life. I need to pray for guidance and figure out how to go from here to there.

December 25, 2018

There’s lots of juicy stuff in this card. One of the things I’m taking away as I re-read what I wrote and as I meditate on the chariot is about the importance of staying in my lane and I do that by not getting distracted by the things that are outside of the lines that I cannot control. I cannot control the shit my mother says, but I can control whether or not I listen to it. I cannot control how other people do their presentations, but I can control whether I take ownership or not.

As I’m meditating on this card, I’m realizing that it is a card of self control. It is a card that is saying I can drive forward or I can choose to be distracted.

Daily Draw: Emperor

First Impressions: Master of his domain, rigid

Book: Domination of mind over heart is sometimes necessary, now is a time you should find it easier to make choices

Guidance: Enjoy the assertiveness and confidence that self control and confidence brings

Journaling

I like the message of this card. I have ot been feeling like the master of my domain lately. I’ve been beating myself up and noticing every single screw up. I’m also in that fearful place I fought so hard to get out of. I’m feeling like I’m an idiot and as if nothing I say or do matters. I think I’m feeling like I felt about my mother. She always had to interject herself even if she had no clue what she was talking about. The thing is that I am not that person. I do know what I’m talking about and I do have the credentials to back it up. I do matter and I am part of the team.

I”m also feeling like I don’t matter in my personal life. I feel like a drudge. It’s interesting in reading the JD Robb book, the used the term fader to describe someone who fades into the background. I feel like that a lot. I feel as if no one cares about me. The thing is that before anyone else can care about me,I need to care about me and I don’t do a good job of showing I care about me.

Iagree with my choice to not take drugs, but I don’t even check my blood on a regular basis. I don’t get exercise and I do way too much sugar. Why would anyone else care about me when I don’t even do the basics of self care? I need to spend some time this weekend meditating and truly thinking about whether I want to live or die. And if I want to live I need to start taking care of myself. I also need to really look at who I am and what I want out of life and where I’m going.

I don’t like living my life in a way that makes it all about others. I want a life where I matter.

December 25, 2018

This is a card I’m learning to embrace in my own life. Being the Emperor means that I have to make the hard choices, but it also means that I get to set the course of my own life. I think the reason that I disliked this card for the longest time is that it made me afraid because every time I had tried to be the master of my fate, someone stepped in and told me that I was doing it wrong, that I didn’t have the right skills, or that I needed to put other people first.

What I have learned over the course of the past few years is that when I put myself first, I am better able to make informed decisions. If I am constantly putting other people first, there is nothing left for me and I end up being angry and resentful. When I put myself first and take care of my own needs, I can better take care of others.

It is interesting to read the above because I really have made a turn around in how I treat myself. I check my blood regularly and I track it. My average has gone from a six month average of 209 to a one week average of 168. It has been continually going down. I’ve also been logging what I eat and while it is really painful some days to have to confess that I ate way too much crap, it also keeps me honest.

Daily Draw: Four of Pentacles

First Impressions: Protecting parts of myself

Book: Grasping and being insecure does not buy security, what would it take to find something that fulfilled you?

Guidance: Look carefully at what you are clinging to and are you clinging in an unhealthy way?

Journaling

I know that most people view this card as negative, but I view it as a reminder to conserve my energy and protect what’s mine. This can and does raise the question as to whether I’m clinging to something that doesn’t work for me? Am I holding on to things that I should let go of? There is also a case of fear and potentially hanging on to something that is not right for me. These are questions I need to reflect on. I know I’m ready to let go of John and Charlene. And as an aside I’m very proud of myself for calling her Charlene and not honoring her by calling her mom. That is huge for me.

December 25, 2018

For me, this has always been a card about protecting what is mine and it has always been more about emotional protection than about protecting wealth. However, as I enter this year of vulnerability, I’m realizing that I need to open up and risk my heart getting broken. That being said, I don’t think that protecting my heart up until now was bad. I think I needed to protect my heart because I was not strong enough and fierce enough to allow myself to be vulnerable.

I’ve learned that before I can be strong enough to be vulnerable and open myself up to love, I have to know that I am fierce and strong and courageous. By knowing those things, I know that I am strong enough to protect myself if something goes wrong. That is an amazing realization.

Daily Draw: Hermit

First Impressions: Silent, contemplative, listening to inner wisdom

Book: Lighting the darkness and guide to others, lamp of wisdom, journey is more important than the destination

Guidance: Answers may come from within yourself, meditate

Journaling

I love the Hermit card as it is a card of introspection and solitude. It is a card of finding the answers within yourself. I know I feel more complete this week than I have felt in the past and I’m ready to face what’s next. I feel complete as if parts of myself are truly home. There are still some missing pieces, but I need to integrate these four pieces before I look for any more.

December 25, 2018

This card seems so fitting this year as I have felt myself change and shift as I’ve worked to let go of absolutes and to live more in the now and less in the past. This exercise of going through my old journals and reviewing them has been immensely helpful as it has truly let me see where I have been. I’m at a point in my life where I am really proud of who I am and of how hard I have worked to get here.

I also love the reminder that this is about lighting the darkness as that is where I have been this solstice. I’ve been all about the candles and the light and less about the flashy decorations. I still love all my ornaments and those things are important to me, but I’m more about being in the light.

Daily Draw: Seven of Swords

First Impressions: Sneakiness, taking back what’s mine

Book: Unwise action, failing plain,new ideas, challenging old assumptions

Guidance: Do not take credit for others ideas, do not procrastinate

Journaling:

This card to me is about soul theft. I’m realizing as I reflect on my soul retrieval that my grandmother, John, and Charlene all stole pieces of my soul. My grandmother did it with her careless comment. She took away a piece of me that needed to matter to other people. She didn’t believe I was worth loving and she didn’t believe I was worth making a connection to. I reality, I don’t know if that is true. Maybe it was just a stupid and thoughtless comment. She never treated me as if I didn’t matter and I have also received unconditional love from others who did believe I mattered.

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Letter from my grandma

Lora,

I’m so sorry. I love you and would never want you to think otherwise. You are amazing, strong, and courageous. I didn’t want your Mommy and Daddy to feel any pain if something happened to you, but that was wrong as the reality of it is that your Daddy was attached to you the moment he laid eyes o you. You were going to be amazing. He struggled to reconcile his feelings about women with his desire for you to succeed. That was hard for him. He never did like John, but he respected your choices. You are loved and you do matter. I am so sorry for hurting you.

Love, Grandma

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Dearest Soul Part held captive by Charlene,

I am so sorry that I didn’t realize that she had you. I did not connect the anger and resentment I was feeling with her holding you and abusing you. Everything she told you is lies. Women are not second class citizens and it is not our job to give everything of ourselves in service to others. We are allowed to have our own hopes and dreams.

Charlene is a product of another day and time. She is an ancestor and she does not speak for the way the world is. I am so happy you are home and we will take care of you. Thank you for being strong while she held you captive.

Raine

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Dearest Soul Part held captive by John,

I am so happy you are home and I am so sorry that I left you behind. Everything that he told you is a lie. I am not too big for my britches. I am sexy, funny, and loving. However it is hard to be any of those things when you are constantly being put down and abused. You are safe in our home as bad behavior is not tolerated. The rules of the house are that everyone is treated with respect and no one is put down. We discuss disagreements respectfully.

Welcome home! I am so glad you are here.

Raine,

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Dearest Soul Part that was with X,

I am glad you are back and I’m sorry that I gave you away. Thank you for the guidance to be myself and live my best life. I just need to be patient and let life unfold.

Blessings, Raine

December 25, 2018

This soul retrieval was so amazing and I have grown and changed so much since it has happened. I know that I am healing because I am letting go of the anger toward Charlene. I know in my heart of hearts that she did not mean to hurt me and that makes it easier to forgive her and let go. However, I also know that intention isn’t all that mattered. She did hurt me and she will continue to hurt me if I let her back into my life.

I also know that I really need to let go of John and cut the cord completely. There are days when I wish he will fall flat on his face and other days where I hope that he has a happy life and doesn’t drag Sean down with him. At this point, what I really want is just for him to not be in my life any more.

Daily Draw: Seven of Cups

First Impressions: Choices, delusions

Book: Visions of what might be

Guidance: Do not tempted by delusions, do not deceive yourself, back up visions with work

Journaling

When I look at this card, I see all the things I could have, if only they were real. I don’t think my dreams are that big or that delusional, but what I want to manifest does not seem to big or grandiose. Do affirmations every day and let go. How it manifests is not your concern, just know that it will.

Interesting, int he last week I’ve drawn the seven, eight, and nine of pentacles, but not in sequence. Am I to put them in sequence?

December 25, 2018

This card, like all Tarot cards, can be complicated and can mean so many things. It can mean that we are deluding ourselves, it can mean that we have choices to make, or it can mean that we are pulled between two many things. The amazing thing about tarot cards, as I’m learning, is that you read them differently depending on where you are in your life and maybe that is what makes them so cool. When I am in a good place, I read this as having choices and as there being a lot of amazing stuff in my future. However, when I’m not in a good place, I read it as being delusional and beat myself up and tell myself I’m not worthy of anything.

Daily Draw: Nine of Cups

First Impressions: The wish card, inviting people who haven’t showed up

Book: Card of fulfilled wishes, things are yours for the taking

Guidance: All that you want is yours

Journaling

I don’t like this card as it always makes me think of loneliness. feel as if the person in the card is opening his heart and no one is saying yes. Or maybe, that is just how I see the card because I feel as if I am opening myself to love and no one is coming or responding.

When he did my soul retrieval, Keven picked up doubt trailing me around and I guess it’s true. I have a lot of doubt about how my life is going to turn out and whether I will ever have love. It feels as if I never will and as if I will be alone forever. I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to do.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me a guide me toward the love of my life. Please help me find the one that is right for me.

Blessings,
Raine

December 25, 2018

It’s interesting that I wrote this just nine months ago, but I feel as if I have been transformed. I’ve realized that the very act of opening our hearts and welcoming people in is an act of love and kindness. I think the problem is that I have such a binary mind (if I do this, then this has to happen), but the world is way more than binary. I’m realizing that the act of opening my heart and loving is enough. The world is not a quid pro quo world and that opening my heart is enough.

I’m realizing that I need to live my life more like Clark and Wendy and less like Luke. Luke was always hesitant and afraid that we didn’t love him, even after he had been part of our life for 10 years. Clark and Wendy, on the other hand, know that they are worthy of love despite the fact that before they came into our lives there was not much evidence of it. They love with open hearts and that is the way I need to live my life. I need to live my heart knowing that I am worthy of love and that if someone does not love me, that is on them and not on me.

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles

First Impressions: Grounded, centered, stable

Book: Holding all elements in balance, generous, open, warm and open person

Guidance: Be practical, stay grounded, be patient and pragmatic, take care of yourself

Journaling

This card is a reminder to stay balanced and patient. These are things that I’m often not good at. I am impatient and I want tings when I want them. I’m also feeling like I have been waiting for something to happen for eight years and I’m ready to move on and have love in my life.

It feels as if I have made no progress in the past eight years. However, I know that that is not true because I’ve become more loving and independent. And when I do the work to stay grounded, I’m in a much better place. My problem is that sometimes, I don’t remember to stay grounded and focused and I lose my peace of mind.

December 25, 2018

I am in such a place of peace lately and even when I find myself out there in the dumps, I’m much more able to pull myself back and remind myself that it is not all horrible. Overall, life is pretty good. I just need to remind myself to be balanced. I’ve done a much better ob of that lately, but I am still not perfect. I guess that just like everyone else, I am a work in progress.

Alchemy (Temperance)

Alchemy
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I love the Celtic knot work on this card and the fact that Brighid is wearing a Brighid’s cross. I didn’t realize at first that she was standing in front of a fire and thought she was stirring a pot of creativity. I guess either option is apt as she is both the goddess of the forge and the goddess of creativity.

Book: Fire purifies, water restores, powerful and approachable, something new that arises from the union.

Guidance: Situation is improved by providing skill and attention, different feelings require expression, pull the pain out of your soul, seek balance.

Journaling:

Wow! As I pulled this card, I found myself facing Brighid. She was standing behind the flames and beckoning me to step through the forms and to be transformed. She stands there, welcoming me, beckoning me, calling me; but stepping through the flames of transformation has to be my choice. I can step through the flames of love or I can choose to stay where I am. She is telling me that the burning flames of passion will transform me and not destroy me. I realize that I have been terrified that if I allow myself to fall in love again, I will lose all that I am. She is telling me that I will change, but will be transformed.

January 13, 2018

This was the third card in a row I pulled that talked about change and growth. I’m realizing, that I’m tired of the corporate world. I’m tired of all the games, of the need to play nice, of the need to take bullets for the company. I’m tired of it all, but I like my salary and I like the freedom. Part of my problem is that I always lead with my heart. I put my heart and soul into what I do and it’s hard when that is for a company that doesn’t value what I do. I’m bone tired and weary. I also know that part of the reason I stay is for the benefits that I keep in case I need to go to the doctor or need to seek care. It is difficult to consider being an entrepreneur in this country when the cost of healthcare is so high.

Dearest ones,

Please guide me down the path I am meant to be on and help me find a way to feed my soul and have the house and benefits I have now. Help me and guide me to the people that it is right for me to meet. Help me to find a way to build a spiritual business while still receiving my paycheck until I am in a position to go solo.

Blessed be,

Raine