Daily Draw – Page 16 – Cairn by Cairn

King of Swords

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment. He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land. I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak. He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle. The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book: Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance: Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts. April opened up to me about her life growing up and what’s going on in her life now. It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was. It doesn’t mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother. I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before. I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me. There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself. However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her. That’s something she has to want and to work for herself. However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

Hanged Man

Hanged Man
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: This Hanged Man is hanging from a beam instead of a treat. He is surrounded by mistletoe and his eyes are wide open. There is a glow around his head as it seems he has found inner peace. This card speaks to me of surrender, contemplation, and approaching things from a different point of view.

Book: Reversal of values, patience, surrender, sacrifice, peace, freedom comes from commitment, non-resistance, new perspective.

Guidance: Let go of your striving, surrender, love yourself, trust yourself.

Journaling:

Today was all about Isa and this card was perfect as I believe that the Hanged Man is the tarot version of Isa. I need to just let go and surrender. There are things I can do nothing about and the best course of action is to let go and quit struggling. It will all fall into place.

December 23, 2017

I am getting so much better at just surrendering and waiting. It is still a very uncomfortable place for me, but I am better at actually executing. I am someone who always wants to fix, manage, and control (thank you Al Anon for teaching me that) and sometimes there are things I cannot fix, manage, and control and I have to let go and see how it all plays out.

The shakeup at work has me a little worried, but there is nothing I can do to change what is happening. My guides are telling me to trust and that it will all work out so that’s what I’m going to do. I know that I could start frantically looking for a new job, but that’s not what I want to do. I want to stay here and to build something and my guides are telling me that this is where I belong so I’m going to stay for now.

Chariot (Reversed)

Chariot
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The charioteer is male and there is a yin-yang symbol on the chariot. Instead of horses, the chariot is being pulled by sphinxes. There are half moons on the charioteers shoulders and his cap looks almost like that of a shriners. He looks as if he is driving through an arch of stars. In the background, there is a city. Reversed this card speaks to me of out of control emotions.

Book: Be wary of relying too strongly on your own willpower, energy being stuck or damned up, be careful of movements.

Guidance: Hold your horses, it is not time to move forward. Change direction

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull. This is a card I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on and I’m still not sure what the meaning is for me.

December 23, 2017

The chariot has always spoken to me of emotional control and remaining steady even when there are forces pulling you in two different directions. I’ve quit reading reversals so if I was reading this card today, I would read it as a reminder to keep my emotions under control and to continue moving forward.

Ace of Cups (Reversed)

Ace of Cups
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: I don’t like this card, which is why it was one of my least favorites, it appears that the cup is suspended by the water flowing instead of the water flowing into the cup, then overflowing. Reversed this card says emotional emptiness and sadness to me.

Book: Creativity and deeper feelings elude you, distancing yourself from something that will disturb you emotionally, feelings of spiritual disconnection.

Guidance: Take care of yourself, do the right thing

Journaling

I am feeling empty today as if my life is without meaning. My problem is that I am so emotionally invested in work that I take it personally. None of this is personal. These people are just idiots and don’t know what they are doing. They think they are so smart that they refuse to listen to people who have done this multiple times and too arrogant to accept help. I’m done trying to help them. I will deliver my what I’m supposed to deliver and that’s that. My main goal is to not say anything stupid and get fired.

December 23, 2017

As I reflect on this card, I realize that it is about life force draining out of you and not being replenished. The traditional card has water flowing into and out of the cup and that’s what happens in the natural flow of things when energy flows into and out of our soul. When we get blocked or dis-eased, our energy gets stuck and we feel empty. I’ve learned that I truly need to take time to recharge my batteries or I become empty and cranky.

Ten of Rods

Ten of Rods
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon. The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak. It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange. This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book: Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance: Set better boundaries, do not take on other people’s stuff.

Journaling:

This was exactly the card I needed to pull today. Gateway is being their usual moronic selves. They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces. However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I’m not responsible for their decisions. Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, “It’s not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me. All of this is about them and their bad decision making. I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy.”

December 23, 2017

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in. It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior. They constantly took on insanity that wasn’t theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways. It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they’re driven by codependency.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don’t like them, too bad. I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests. I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior. Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away. It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my

Knight of Pentacles

Knight of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The horns on his helmet tie him to earth bound animals like stags and he stands in front of a plowed field which also ties him to the element of earth. Interestingly, his cloak looks like it is made of feathers. Overall, this knight looks to be strong and and driven.

Book: Methodical, rational, stable, kind and gentle, slow and steady, sensuous and passionate

Guidance: Be patient and methodical

Journaling:

As I was reading this, it struck me as sounding like it was about someone I know, but this reading was not about him and is about me. One of the biggest lessons I’m learning right now is that I need to make my life about me and not about other people. It is all too easy to get caught up in the swirliness and make it about other people. My life matters and it is not just about other people.

I feel like I’m drowning in emotions right now and I’m getting a chest cold, which means I am feeling some grief about something or other. I’m feeling wave after wave of sadness and I feel as if I still have mourning to do, but I am afraid to feel those emotions because I don’t know if I have what it takes to pull myself out of that dark place again. My heart hurts and I don’t know why. I do know that grief is not linear and that there is no time table for grief, but that doesn’t make it any easier when I feel these emotions. However, I have learned over the past few years that they are emotions and they cannot hurt me.

My reaction to an email is just that an emotion. Even though I feel exposed, it is just an emotion. I am fine. I am grounded in reality and I am fine. I need to pull some cards tonight about my mom and try to make sense of that situation. Part of me feels that I am vilifying her because I can’t vilify my dad. I feel like an orphan today. Even though I know there are people in my life who love me, I feel like a lost child.

December 23, 2017

Wow! This was immensely powerful and shows so much growth. This is the reason I think it is important to review and keep my journals because they do let me see how much I’ve grown and changed. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned recently is that it is okay to talk myself off the ledge. I used to think that my emotions were sacrosanct and that I had no right to interfere with them. If I was feeling depressed or cranky or angry or sad, I just had to let the emotion run its course. However, recently I’ve learned that it is okay to to talk myself off the ledge. It is okay to virtually give that lost child a hug and help her through it. I do not have to let the emotions rule my life. That is so powerful and intense.

Nine of Cups

Nine of Cups
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: This card shows a bartender all ready for guests, but there is no one there to drink with him. He looks happy and welcoming. He also has a peacock feather in his vest, which is interesting as peacock feathers are symbols of good luck in the east and bad luck in the west. The nine of cups always strikes me as a card of friendship and good times.

Book: Realizing a long held dream, period of emotional contentment. It’s possible someone may be missing from your life.

Guidance: Appreciate what you have

Journaling:

The words that struck me as I read this is that there is probably someone missing from your life. This last week has really been about missing my mom, but I don’t know how to reconnect. The rules I choose to live by (treating people with respect, setting boundaries, and not giving unsolicited advice) are ones that make sense to me and I surround myself with people who treat me like I want to be treated. I have no clue how to set boundaries with her because she won’t respect them. She will be hurt and see boundaries as a rejection. Maybe I just need to think it over and then be willing to listen.

December 23, 2017

It really hurt to read what I wrote over a year ago and realize that I’m still feeling like an orphan and motherless. It hurts to not have someone who loves me unconditionally and who will listen to me when I cry and support me. I never have had that in my life as my entire childhood growing up I always had to be careful what I said so I didn’t set her off. I could never be honest about what was going on in my life because I would either be judged or get a lecture. There is no one from my childhood who could just flipping listen and support without being judgemental.

What especially ticked me off is how people would give advice even when I didn’t ask for it. My Uncle Gene had to advise me how to spend my money and that flying lessons were a waste even though I didn’t ask for his advice. And the first thing my mother said when she walked in to my new house was, “Why’d you put that picture there? I would have put it there.” How flipping rude and insulting is that? The house was clean and looked really nice, but she had to find fault. I can’t do that any more in my life.

It is one thing if someone is endangering themselves or others, but if they are making judgments that are different than mine, it is not my place to give advice. And I would never walk in to someone’s house and critique their decorating. That is just rude.

Eight of Pentacles (Reversed)

Eight of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The young man’s tools are carefully laid out and he clearly takes pride in his work as he is willing to make pentacles over and over and continually review what he does. Reverse this card could indicate sloppiness, a loss of energy, or a loss of fortune.

Book: Seeking success without effort, need to evaluate whether you are in the right job, the seeker is wasting his talents, move forward with a project

Guidance: Move forward on a project

Journaling:

For me, I know this card is not telling me that I’m not working hard enough on my day job because I don’t know how I could work any harder. It could be telling me that I’m not working hard enough on Midwives of Change. I have been so busy and so tired that I haven’t been able to put the time into things that matter to me. I certainly hope things settle down, because I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this pace.

December 23, 2017

I’m still not positive what the message of this card was a year ago, but I made the decision earlier this year to let go of Midwives of Change. I made that decision when I realized that I wasn’t living my life for me, but I was using myself as a guinea pig to see what methods worked so that I could write about them. I want my life to matter to me and not just matter to other people.

I struggled with the decision to put my Tarot Journal online because that seemed to be just one more way to live my life for others instead of myself. However, once I committed to Swedish Death Cleansing and realized that putting my journal online meant I could keep the lessons and ditch the hurtful comments and whining, I decided that putting it online was what was best for me. I also established Rules for Readers so that they understand I’m not putting myself out there as a Tarot Guru, but simply living my life.

Ace of Swords

Ace of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: The sword is piercing a laurel wreath, does this portend victory? The hilt of the sword is bound with leather and there appears to be a ruby in the hilt. The sun is shining through the clouds and reflecting off the sword. The sword speaks to me of new beginnings and intellectual opportunities.

Book: Clarity, success, sharp focus, cut attachments that no longer serve us, instrument of change, new beginnings

Guidance: Be true to yourself

Journaling:

This week has truly been about the need to cut away and leave things that no longer serve me behind. Right now I’m feeling the need to pull away from a coworker who I don’t feel is working in our client’s best interests. It also makes me wonder if this is about cutting ties with people who were important, but who I’ve drifted away from.

December 23, 2017

It’s interesting to reflect on this card today because I’ve been working hard to cut some cords that no longer serve me. I’ve realized that I need to cut cords with John and quit getting all swirly about what he does or does not do in his life. I’ve worked hard to let go of being judgmental and to let go of commenting on other people’s decisions that don’t affect me, but with him I continue to judge. I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants him to fail and have a miserable life because of how he abused me and hurt me. However, all that holding on to that anger does is keep me tied to him. I need to let go of that rope that is keeping me tied down because it truly no longer serves me.

I also need to let go of someone who was so instrumental in my healing, but who no longer has a true role to play in my life. I need to be grateful for the unconditional love he gave me and accept that our paths have diverged.

Four of Swords (Reversed)

Four of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: The knight is lying on a marble table with his sword at his side. There are three swords hanging on the wall, but they do not pose a threat as they are not hanging directly over our knight. Reversed this card is telling me that it is time to get up and about.

Book: Period of isolation ends, emerging successfully from a period of difficulties, extreme exhaustion, spiritual faith, having faith

Guidance: Have faith, take time to recharge, you do not have to do it all at once

December 23, 2017

Another day when I didn’t journal. I’m not sure what was going on last September that I didn’t make time to actually journal about the cards. Maybe I was so caught up in all the drama about Gateway that I didn’t want to journal about it because I was afraid of what the cards would say.

To me this card is telling me that it is time to get my butt out of bed and start moving forward with my life. And I’ve done a lot to move forward in the past year. I have a new job, I’ve been deliberately staying away from Chicago as I don’t want to get sucked into old behavior patterns.