Daily Draw – Page 15 – Cairn by Cairn

Daily Draw: Two of Swords (R)

First Impressions: Decisions

Book: Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance: Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now. I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn’t what I want. I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago. I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here. For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week.

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it. I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago. For the longest time, I’ve chosen to stay with one foot in each city. However, I’m realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back. I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind. he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go. Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago.

Daily Draw: Knight of Wands

First Impressions: Fire, Passion

Book: Passion is the cause, meeting challenges head on, erratic, difficulty completing things, likes to stir conflict

Guidance: Learn to temper appetites with restraint, balance, passion with restraint, adopt a wait and see attitude

Journaling

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control. I’m very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude. At this point I don’t know what I’m up against. I feel as if I don’t know which way to turn.

I know what I want: to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love. What I don’t know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I’ve been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect. Well I’ve taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately. I’ve signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen. And I’ve bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I’m not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.

Daily Draw: Hermit (R)

First Impressions: Reserved, be outgoing, seek advice

Book: Not heeding wise counsel, need for more spiritual development, greater introspection, petulant to elders

Guidance: Get out of yourself, don’t over analyze

Journaling

For me, the hermit reversed is about the need to be around people and engage in life instead of retreating. One of the reasons work bothers me so much is it is difficult for me to make friends and have a social life I’m realizing that I need friends in my life and people who love me. The problem is that I don’t know how to get form here to there. Maybe it is not up to me to find the solution. Maybe the path truly is to let go and maybe it will all work out.

May 12, 2018

I still don’t have friends. But I’ve signed up to volunteer at a couple of places so maybe I will meet people. I’m realizing that the problem is not only my crazy work schedule, but also the fact that I need downtime after being around people all the time. It is very taxing for me to have to be on all the time.

Dearest ones,
Please help me find a solution

Daily Draw: Magician (R)

Initial Impressions: Out of my control, powerless

Book: Ineffective communication, hidden motives, inability to manifest desires, lack of ideas and willpower, defeated, focus on self

Guidance: Accept the limitations of your power

Journaling

This card is so appropriate as I have been feeling so powerless lately I feel as if my life is not my own and as if I will never have the rich, full life I want. It seems as if I am trapped working at a job I really don’t like to pay the bills. I am so flipping depressed as if feels that nothing I do moves the energy. I’m really ready for my happily ever after.

Just trust. It will all work out. You just need to trust the energy and let it move. You will be okay.

05/12/2018

As I think back to where I was when I pulled this card, i realized that I was stuck and feeling like I wasn’t able to move forward because I couldn’t have the person that I wanted. In the time since, I’ve realized that sometimes we need to let go of our dreams because there is something bigger and better waiting for us.

I’ve also learned that it is really important to know ourselves and be comfortable with ourselves. I think I’m finally getting to that place where I can say that I love myself without feeling like I’m lying. And that’s a whole lot of progress.

Queen of Swords (reversed)

Queen of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: She has sapphires in her crown and there is a ruby in her sword. Like the King, she has personalized her sword and, like the King, the same X of light is hitting her sword. The skin on her arms appears gray. My first impressions of this card reversed are of defeat and expressing emotions (lack of emotional control?)

Book: Be kinder. Be slower to form opinions. Sorry may have hardened your heart. Hell bent on vengeance. Holding grudges.

Guidance: Breathe. Trust it will all work out. Do not take things so seriously. Draw wisdom rather than bitterness.

Journaling

I need to let go of my anger toward Meg She is doing her job as she sees fit and it isn’t personal. She’s not trying to screw me or hurt me. She is just trying to satisfy the client.

However, I always have choices and I can choose to find another job. I can also choose to make sure that Gateway is clear about what the deliverables are done. I can’t come out and say you don’t need me, but I can help them draw their own conclusions.

December 22, 2017

Interesting as I read this more than a year removed from the situation and I don’t even remember what the details of this seemingly traumatic event were. I gather from reading this that Meg wanted to extend me and I wanted to leave. At the end of the day, none of this mattered as the client ended up ending the project on short notice in February and I ended up leaving itellignece for NTT. And oddly enough, Meg ended up losing her job anyway.

I love reading journals from years past as it is a good reminder that all the shit that I think is so important, really isn’t. It is also a reminder that all the shit I’m going through right now, probably won’t matter in a year or so.

Five of Swords

Five of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: The warrior in this card is looking straight ahead. He seems neither defeated nor smug, he just is. The people in the background look as if they are looking for mercy. Although the grass is green, the trees are leafless. Looking at the people in the back, I see defeat and exhaustion.

Book: Defeat, blame, unfair advantages, spitefulness, using more force than required, energy/power imbalance

Guidance: Be gracious, do not exclude, do not bully, let go, do not be an energy vampire

Journaling

This card was so where I was at today. Meg continues to work to sell me to Gateway even though I’ve told her the deliverables will be done, but she keeps demanding that I give her additional deliverables. I’m not sure how else to say the work is done. I’m just ready to be done with this project and being in Chicago is totally stressing me out. I do not know how to say I do not want to be here and keep my job.

What I really want is to be in someone’s arms and to be loved, but in order to do that I have to have more stability in my life.

December 23, 2017

It’s interesting to look back at where I was over a year ago. I think what truly annoyed me about the situation a year ago is that I wanted to be in the SAP space and do OCM on SAP projects, but I kept getting blocked from doing that. Meg and Jessica wanted to keep me at Gateway. Maybe I need to just be grateful that I had a job at that point in time and that I was employed.

I’m also realizing that it wasn’t the job that was getting to me, it was being in Chicago. Since I have made the decision to quit living with one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland, I’m much happier. I’m being forced to create and define a life here instead of running back to Chicago to be nurtured and nourished. It is also helping me to cut unhealthy ties as it is way easier to not be all swirly about John and what he’s doing and to not be so tied to someone who isn’t right for me no matter how much I want him to be.

Two of Pentacles

Two of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The pentacles are in an infinity symbol like on most decks. There are boats in the background. The boy has his eyes closed. Overall, this two of pentacles appears less stressed/manic than the two of pentacles in other decks. This deck makes me think about juggling or managing multiple projects and/or priorities.

Book: Balance, trust, playfulness, need to seek balance, calm yourself, keep a sense of humor, you may have two many balls in the air.

Guidance: Conciously seek balance, find ways to balance work and personal, keep your sense of humor and don’t lose site of the fact that most things in life are not that serious.

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull and to meditate on. The message that I’m getting is that sometimes I’m juggling and keeping things alive that I should just let go of. There are things that are just not worthy of my time and/or attention. One of those things right now is being pissed at Meg about Gateway. I’ve said my piece, now I just need to let it go and see what happens. There is nothing that I can do to change the situation today so I just need to focus on what I can control and let go of the rest. Sometimes there are balls that it is okay to drop.

December 23, 2017

I’ve gotten much better at dropping balls that no longer have meaning for me and that aren’t worth my time and energy. Worry is one ball that I’ve been working hard to let go of. There are so many things in life that I cannot control and spending time worrying about them just doesn’t help matters.

My quest for the love of a particular someone is also something I need to drop. I need to quit obsessing and just see what happens. I’ve spent way too much time and energy focusing on him and I need to let go. That’s a big part of the reason that I’ve been working to let go of Chicago. Going back there keeps me entangled and that’s not healthy for me. What will be will be and I need to let it go.

I also need to let go of John. I really do hate him for what he’s done to me and how he hurt me, but carrying that crap around is not healthy for me. He will get what is coming to him and what his Karma is. I just need to let go

Four of Pentacles

Four of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The man is clearly hoarding his wealth and holding on to it so tightly that he has no room/capacity to pick up anything else. By holding so tightly, he cannot embrace someone, enjoy a painting, or anything else. It is almost as if his wealth is holding him prisoner. This card is definitely someone who is holding his money and being stingy.

Book: Building wealth, rootedness, using money to protect from feelings of inner loss, holding back, can be protective.

Guidance: Hold back energy at work

Journaling:

I am so incredibly happy to be home.I’m still not positive of what the lessons of this card are. On the one hand, I see the cautions against being a miser, but I also see the wisdom of not being completely open and giving. There is nothing wrong with holding something back for ourselves. As I say a lot, my life cannot just be for other people, there has to be something in it for me as well.

December 23, 2017

This is a loaded card for me, especially lately. One of my most hated lessons from my mother was that my life was all about everyone else. Anytime I wanted to do something, she always asked how John or the kids felt about it. I was supposed to give everything I had to other people until there was nothing left for me. John continued this lesson because even though he was home all day with the kids and I worked, I was supposed to come home and clean house and cook dinner until I had nothing for me. Because of the lessons I had learned from my mother, I accepted this and didn’t push back.

I’ve learned a lot about balance over the last seven years and I’ve gotten a lot better of taking care of myself. I no longer care if people call me selfish or think I’m making life all about me, I know that I need to take care of myself first. If I do not take care of myself, there will be nothing left to give to anyone else.

Three of Cups

Three of Cups
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: There are apples and berries growing on the trees. The three girls are close together as if they are sharing secrets. There is a tassel or a broom on the girl on the right. This card makes me think of friendship, fulfillment, and happiness.

Book: Celebration, jubilation, merriment, sincere allies who wish the seeker well, playful affection.

Guidance: Draw on the energy of the earth. Take time to enjoy friendships.

Journaling:

Ironic card to pull when I am feeling friendless and mired in loneliness. It just hurts to think about people having friends when I’m mired in this stupid half life where it feels my life has no joy and no meaning. I don’t even know how to get where I want to be. I do know that I have to set better boundaries to get out of Chicago.

December 23, 2017

It’s over a year later and I still don’t have friends, but I’m realizing I crave my alone time and I’m not really ready to give that up to have friends. I tried by joining the church, but that just all seems so fake and like the people are not very nice. I was so hurt when I wasn’t able to make the first session and I said that I couldn’t go because my daughter had a minor car accident and no one took the time to send me a message and say I’m sorry. I thought that was so cold and incredibly bitchy. And now they’re calling and saying, “we don’t think you’re interested, etc., etc.” Of course they’re right because why would I want to hang out with people who have no compassion?

Ace of Pentacles

Ace of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The ace is supported by flowers, which reiterates the connection to the earth. The background is pink suggesting either sunrise or sunset. This card speaks to me of financial good fortune and a sense of completion, which seems odd as Aces are traditionally about beginnings.

Book: New ventures, investment, financial gains, gifts of financial wisdom.

Guidance: Be prepared to deal with minor stuff . Do not lose site of spiritual wisdom. Ground yourself.

Journaling

I am in a place right now where I do need to ground myself in the physical world. My blood sugar numbers are horrible and I’m not sure how to fix it. Okay, that’s a lie. I know how to fix it, I need to give up sugar and exercise. However, giving up sugar is hard for me right now because I am fundamentally unhappy and I need love in my life and without it, I kind of feel like what’s the point?

I know I am committing suicide by sugar and that it needs to stop, but my heart aches and I am ready for love and it is hard to continue to be positive when I’m alone. I just want someone to laugh with and to share the good and the bad with. I also disagree with Scott’s advice to waiting before embarking on super powerful love magick. Waiting never serves a good purpose for me when I have made a decision and I have.

I’m ready to let go and move on. I just need to chart my course and execute. If I continue to wait, I will be waiting my entire life and that’s not what I want. I’m ready to have someone new in my life. I will always love him, but I’m done waiting.

December 23, 2017

Wow! I am impressed with myself. I did do a cord cutting ritual and I did let go and although it has been hard, I’ve worked hard to make deliberate choices to not reconnect. I’ve chosen to not go to Chicago and have lunch. I’ve chosen to not send emails. I’ve chosen not to answer some emails. In short, I’ve made the decision that is right for me and there are times it sucks, but overall it feels really really good to have made the deliberate choices to let go of the obsession.

I’ve also worked hard at focusing on me and focusing on living my life for me and not waiting until I have someone in my life. I am strong and capable and although it would be nice to have someone, it is also kind of nice to have my own space and to be able to grow and change at my own pace.