Daily Draw – Page 13 – Cairn by Cairn

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles (R)

First Impressions: Not being open, feeling needy, not connected to the earth

Book: Feeling uprooted and off center, withholding hospitality, consumed by work, becoming a homebody, shutting out family and friends

Guidance: Find balance, let go of worry, trust your instincts

Journaling

This represents where I’m at today as I’m feeling out of sorts and out of balance It feels as if I am spending all my time working and don’t have time to have a relationship. I feel depleted and as if I am overwhelmed at work.

I know I have to actually make the effort to change things and meet people and create the balance I deserve. I’m just not 100 percent sure how to do that.

May 27, 2018

I’m not exactly sure where I’m at on this today. I’m not even sure if I want to meet people or if that is pressure from other people talking. Most of the time, I’m actually pretty fine with where my life is and I’m really learning to let go of the need to follow everyone else’s drum beat. I mostly like being my own person and having time for me. There are days I’m not even sure I want a relationship because it is nice to be my own person and not have to share decision making. I can be selfish and make the right decisions for me without having to take someone else’s opinion into account. That is kind of a nice place to be.

Daily Draw: Three of Cups

First Impressions: Friendship and fellowship

Book: Celebration, jubilee, merriment, people who are genuine and truly supportive

Guidance: Rejoice and celebrate

Journaling

This card is hard for me as I really don’t have a lot of friendships to revel in. I’m a little shy and I’m afraid of getting close to people. I sometimes feel as if people use me and that doesn’t feel very nice. I’m feeling that way around S. a lot. It feels as if when I need a reading or am buying dinner, eh has time for me, but that when I just need to talk he doesn’t. I need to sit with this a little while, but it doesn’t feel good.

May 26, 2018

I still don’t have a lot of friends, but I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin and I’m feeling more comfortable alone. I’m also realizing that it is better to be alone than to have people in your life who use you. I think where I’m at right now is that I just need to accept that people come into our lives for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach a lesson about who to trust and who not to trust. S. was someone who I let in and I think that was okay as he helped me and listened when I really needed it. My life has changed and I no longer fit into his life. And that’s okay. I can just let go and know that I learned from him and now it is time to move on.

Daily Draw: Heirophant (R)

First Impressions: Going my own way, living on my terms

Book: Rebelling, eccentricity, originality of ideas, taking the unconventional path through life

Guidance: Follow your own path, don’t go along with the crowd

Journaling

I could read the significance of this card in several ways. I’m choosing to view it as being about my need to be my own person and not follow all the arbitrary rules of life. Another potential reading is about walking away from X as he is a very traditional person and for a while I kept getting this card when asking about him.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing that a lot of the guidance I got at this time in my life was so meaningful as it came right before my 50th birthday and the cards were really encouraging me to be my own person and to live my own life. This is another card that is all about being your own person and not following the same path that everyone else has followed. This has always been hard for me, because I like to be liked and sometimes I will live according to other people’s rules until I can’t take it any longer and lash out. That always surprises everyone because they assumed that I was fine with the way things are going.

One of my goals for this year is to live a more authentic life and to be more true to myself and stop living according t everyone else’s rules.

Daily Draw: Five of Swords (R)

First Impressions: Burdens falling away

Book: Ending a toxic situation, Contrition, walking away and accepting a minor defeat, work through your emotions

Guidance: Feel your feelings of loss, bury the hatchet

Journaling

I’ve spent some time reflecting on this card and I’m still not sure how to read it. One possible reading is that I am taking responsibility for where I am in life and that means doing the right thing and that I am facing things head on versus running from them. The other potential reading that struck me is that I m ending a toxic situation and that’s true. I’m choosing to move forward and live my life instead of waiting for what might never happen.

May 25, 2018

Interesting that I pulled this card shortly before my 50th birthday when the final ending of the toxic situation came about. Although there is a small part of me that keeps thinking (wishing) that things would /could be different with the bitch, I know that that will never happen. For one thing, I have accepted that she can never be the mother than anyone deserves. I’ve also accepted that all the bullshit she spews is about her and not about me. That’s so important for me to know, because I always tend to blame myself and assume that I did something wrong. However, in this instance, I didn’t do anything wrong. She was, and is, incapable of being a mother and incapable of taking responsibility for her actions.

This situation has been mirrored at work lately with someone who is incapable of taking ownership of anything. I did my best and then some to help him, but he continued to be/act clueless. At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do to help someone like that and he needs to own his actions. That’s hard for me though because I am a compassionate person and because I don’t want to be blamed for things not going well. I guess at the end of the day, I have to take the risk of things not going well because I cannot do it all.

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles

First Impressions: One with the earth, earthy sensuality

Book: Warmly in a relationship with the earth, high value on stability, domesticy

Guidance: Take pleasure in small daily rituals, love your life

Journaling

I love this card because it helps me feel grounded in the earth and connected. I feel this way when I do reverse corpse and feel myself in touch with all the good stuff that life has to offer. I am so glad that I pulled this card today because I needed to be reminded of what an amazing place our earth is and what our place in it is.

May 25, 2018

I drove through Lakewood Cemetery today and I always feel so grounded when I go to cemeteries, because I am reminded that nothing I am going through matters all that much in the big scope of things. We are born, we live, and we die. Our job is to live our best lives while we are alive. We need to love other people, be kind to people, eat healthy, and be the best people we can be. Sometimes we fall short of those ideals, but when we do, we need to pick ourselves up and keep trying.

I know that I am not a perfect parent and there are times when I am unkind, when I tease the kids too much, or when I do other things that are not nice, but I acknowledge them, apologize and try to do better. And that is why I am different than the bitch. She would never acknowledge how she hurt me and she would never try to make it better. Even when I sent her a letter and outlined all the ways that she had hurt me, she never responded. I think that hurts almost worse than what she did because it feels like I don’t even matter enough for her to apologize to or try to make amends too. She acts like she is so F*ing hurt that I’m not talking to her, but she refuses to do anything to fix the situation.

It is as if she is so stuck in her mentality that she is the “elder” (what a joke) so she doesn’t have to do anything or treat me with respect. It is as if because I am her child, I do not deserve respect. That is so full of garbage and the complete antithesis of how I treat Sean and Cam. I know they deserve respect and I know that I am not deserving of respect just by virtue of being their mother. If I did not treat them with respect, I would not deserve respect from them. That is the complete opposite of how I was raised and she cannot understand that way of thinking at all

Daily Draw: Three of Pentacles

First Impressions: Learning from others, collaboration

Book: Integrity and ethics, spirit of service, unity, combining vision, skill, and spiritual values, spiritual renovation

Guidance: Learn from others, trust others

Journaling

Perfect card for me to draw today. This lawsuit threw me for a loop, but I received and instead of hiding from it, I stepped up and did what needed to be done. I had to rely on my teammates and ask for help. I also had to accept and realize that I have to breathe and I can’t get all swirly. Getting all swirly doesn’t help a whole lot. Again, pulling this card today has helped me stay focused.

May 25, 2018

The lawsuit turned out to be a non-event. The insurance company settled with the for $25K, which is a whole lot less than they were asking for. This was a case of my turning it over, asking for help, and it all working out. At the end of the day, there was nothing that I could really do about it so the only option that I had was to turn it over.

I wish the rest of life was so easy to turn over. I let myself get all weird and swirly over stuff that I can’t control and I need to stop. I need to learn to breath and to turn things over. Life is so much better when I am able to do that.

Daily Draw: Page of Wands

First Impressions: Enthusiasm, starting something

Book: Threshold of a newly inspired direction, opportunity to discover potential, embark on self development, creative, enthusiastic, confident

Guidance: Be Bold, Be Magical

May 25, 2018

Another day that I didn’t journal. Things must have been pretty intense or I wasn’t feeling well if I didn’t make time to journal. Even though I didn’t know it when I pulled this card, I was at the beginning of a new adventure and creating my own life.

I was creating my exit from Chicago and in some ways the job i landed at itelligence came out of my putting it out there to the universe that I was ready to leave Chicago. The Gods heard that and created a pathway for that to happen. The one thing I don’t understand is why they have not yet created a pathway for love. I have been pretty vocal about that being what I want to manifest in life, but it hasn’t happened yet. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure what I would have to do to manifest it.

The only guidance they keep giving me is to be patient. That is hard guidance for me to follow, but I know in my heart it is the right guidance and I know in my heart that it will work out.

Daily Draw: Devil (R)

First Impressions: Trapped in uncomfortable choices

Book: Liberation from restrictions, defeat, release, severance, seeker will overcome evil, tempting fates

Guidance: Remove what is holding you in bondage

Journaling

This card resonated with me today as it is about accepting and acknowledge all of me. It is about not denying my shadow aspects. I don’t have to indulge them, but I need to own them. I’ve also realized that owning and accepting doesn’t mean I no longer work to grow and change. It just means I am kind to the lost little girl who needs emotional support.

May 25, 2018

Interesting to read this today as last night I took Cam to Dillards and we bought underwear. I was taken back to the year I started college and my dad took me shopping for clothes. I bought expensive silk underwear and I bought this amazing swimsuit. It was one piece, but it had buttons on the side and high cut thighs. It was in no way racy, but it made me look and feel good about myself. However, my stupid relatives had to shame me for having a nice body and wanting to show it off. That was wrong of them. I was doing nothing wrong and I was not responsible for their puritan beliefs.

I don’t still have the awesome body that had when I was in college, but my body is mine and it deserves to be treated with love and respect. I deserve love and respect. And love and respect means feeding myself healthy and nourishing foods that are good for me in the long term and don’t just give me a short term sugar high.

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First Impressions: Traditional, Friendship, Love

Book: Balance, Dualism, Card of Soul Mates, promise of healing, completing, sharing

Guidance: Cooperate, Work to Balance

Journaling

Although the book readings and traditional two of cups are about love and partnership, this card strikes me as lonely. The woman is sitting in her tower with a bird for company. The look on her face is sad and very bleak. this card kind of sums up how lonely I feel lately. I am very lonely and I feel like the good stuff is passing me by. I feel like all I do is work.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing this card isn’t lonely as much as showing a need to let people in and let ourselves be cared for by others even if those others don’t appear to be what we’re looking for. I think the message from the universe is about having people and beings in our lives who recognize our pain and who are there for us when we need them The little critters are there to cheer her up and to bring stardust into her life. This card is about people who love you showing up for you.

When I look at the card i this context, I do have people who love me and who show up for me when I need them. The kids are always there for me, Clark shows up and cuddles and makes me laugh. People at work are supportive of what I’m trying to accomplish. Even though I don’t have the love of my life, I am loved and supported.

Daily Draw: King of Swords

First Impressions: Mastery of one’s thoughts

Book: Compromise, Fairness, Consider other points of view

Guidance: Be fair and objective, listen to others, be intellectually honest

May 25, 2018

Interesting, I did not journal when I pulled this card originally. I’m sure it is because I was super busy and caught up in work. I love this card. Most people would take it as a reminder to listen to other people’s points of view, but I consider it a reminder to value my own point of view. My upbringing by the Bitch taught me to value other people over myself so it is second nature for me to discount my own beliefs to appease others. However, recently I have begun valuing my own point of view and truly listening to and asserting myself.

That is really uncomfortable for me because it feels like I am sticking myself out there and setting myself up to be stomped on, but it is important that I assert myself and make my thoughts and feelings known. It was uncomfortable this week at work as I had to assert myself regarding the demo we were doing and sometimes it felt as if I was a broken record, but in the end I got support and we ended up including OCM and it was great as they guys wove it into their presentation seamlessly.

Asserting myself and standing up for myself feels uncomfortable and there are times when I feel as if I have two speeds: Door Mat and Freight train, but that is because in the past, I did not do a good job of asserting myself until I got really pissed off and then it seemed as if it was the first time I had said something, when in reality no one had chosen to listen to me before.

John was wrong in calling me a freight train because he chose not to take responsibility for our lives or anything that was happening so because I was willing to assert myself and take responsibility, I was a freight train. The reality of the matter is that if he had chosen to be an equal partner in our marriage, we would have not had all the problems that we had. Instead, he chose to be passive and as a result, I was viewed as domineering.

It is so valuable to look back on my marriage through the lens of time and see that all the horror and pain he put me through were not really about me at all, but were about his own self esteem issues and his own inadequacies.