Category: Cups

Witch of Water

Witch of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional Control

Book:  Power of the goddess is eating all sins, salt holds purification, and protection

Guidance:  Demonstrate your beliefs and ethics, look beyond form to essence, bathe in salt water

Journaling:

Interesting meaning of this card.  I like looking at it as purification and the need to cleanse ourselves.  I need to do some meditations on this card and also take a salt bath.

December 19, 2017

I’m realizing that purification is about more than clearing the energy around me.  It is also about clearing out the old behaviors and thought patterns that are keeping me stuck.  I need to let go of my poverty consciousness and choose to believe that it will all work out.

December 26, 2017

It is so awesome to read through old journals as I can see my growth.  I can see ideas that bubble up that are being implemented at deeper and deeper levels.  Redirecting my thoughts is something that still feels uncomfortable for me as it feels unnatural, but as I read through my old journals I can see that I am continuing to get better at it.

I know I’m making progress because when I got an invite to a reorganization meeting from Darshan, my immediate reaction was to freak out and assume I was being fired.  However, I talked myself off the ledge by reminding myself that they would not fire me on an open meeting.  If I was going to get fired, I would have already been told.  That was cold comfort, but it did bring me peace and I was able to actually sleep without totally freaking myself out with worry.  I also reminded myself that there was nothing I could do about it anyway.  If it happened, it happened and I’d deal with it.

Three of Cups

Three of Cups
Robin Wood

First Impressions:  Although the women are supposed to be enjoying themselves, they are not looking at each other, it is as if they are in their own little worlds.  The three of cups is traditionally about friendship.

Book: Joyful, playful, joining in thriving friendships, emotional generosity

Guidance:  Be sociable, make friends

Journaling:

Not a card that I’m truly thrilled about drawing.  I know I need to get out and make friends, but I’m stuck in a rut. 

Dearest Ones,

Please guide me to the activities that are right for me.  Guide me to places where I can thrive and make real friends.  And please help me to open up and to be open to people.

Blessed Be,
Raine

January 1, 2018

It’s been exactly a year since I wrote that and I still don’t have any friends in Cleveland, but I have gotten to know myself better and I have actually tried some activities.  I did go to the UU church for six weeks, but that really wasn’t for me as I didn’t feel welcome there.  But that’s okay and I’ve accepted that.  Right now, I’m going to be open to doing new things and if something pops up, that’s great, if not that’s okay too as I’ve always been good at taking care of myself and I’m happy being by myself.

Daily Draw: Ace of Cups

Ace of Cups
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the phases of the moon above the cup, but I don’t really like the eye looking down.  For me that is kind of creepy.  This card is about emotional fulfillment.

Book:  Infinite supply of love, spiritual gifts, relationship opportunities, peaceful, grateful, feeling enriched, purity of emotions

Guidance:  Deepen your capacity for love

Journaling:

The ace of cups is such a hopeful card!  It reminds me that to receive love I have to open myself up and be willing to receive.  This is why I’ve been doing a lot of work with my solar plexus chakra.  I have to be open to receiving love and that’s not something that I’m always comfortable with..  I sometimes avoid showing up in life and that’s unfortunate for me.  I still want someone in my life, but I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I need to be comfortable with me.  I’m not going to spend my life waiting for something that may never be.

Dearest Ones,
I surrender my feelings to you and I know that you have the perfect person for me.  Please help me to be patient and to love the life I have.  Also, please help me to truly show up in life and guide me to the opportunities and experiences that are right for me.

Blessed Be,
Raine

It always amazes me how calm and centered I feel after praying and turning things over.  It isn’t always easy but a sense of calmness washes over me when I am able to get out of my own way and communicate with the divine.

December 30, 2017

It still amazes me how praying helps me to feel better about anything that is going on.  It just brings that intense feeling of peace that lasts throughout the day.  I’ve also found that if I pray on a regular basis, I am better able to respond to situations and to think more clearly.

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First impressions:  Juggling

Book:  Full life, ability to keep everything flowing resourceful, flexible, accountability

Guidance:  Be aware of overdoing for the sake of admiration of others

Journaling

This card for me is about juggling various tasks and trying to stay in balance.  There are days I feel so completely unbalanced and I know my sugar addiction is a big part of the reason.  I see sweets and go nuts.  My body just has to have sugar even though I know it is killing me.  I see my numbers go up and up when I have sugar, but I can’t stop shoving it in my face.  I guess that is how alcohol and cigarettes are for John.  He knows they are killing him, but he can’t stop.

Dearest ones, please change me into someone who is loving and non-judgemental.  Help me to remember that everyone has different struggles and some of those struggles are with addiction.  Please help me to let go of my need for sugar.  Please help me break its hold on me.

July 9, 2018

I’m realizing the more I start loving myself that my sugar addiction is truly an addiction.  it is not a matter of will power, being a crappy person, or having a death wish.  It is an addiction and it truly has a grip on me.  I need to work to turn it over and to find resources to help me heal.

Daily Draw: Seven of Cups

First Impressions:  Choices

Book:  Distraction, faced with many choices, be aware of distractions, temptation, at a crossroads, wishful thinking

Guidance:  Be aware of distraction, find inspiration where you can, exercise greater patience and self control

Journaling

This was a great card today as I am in a place of choices.  I can choose to continue believing X is strong enough to do the right thing or accept that this has all been an illusion.  I do believe that he has feelings for me, but I also have to accept that he is weak.  He wasn’t able to tell me why he’s not talking tome and that’s rude.  A part of me is drawing parallels to walking away form my mother, but they really aren’t the same as I am self aware enough to know my weaknesses and she is not.

There is a possibility that my last exchange, but i don’t think so.  I think the truth is that he has feelings for me that he can’t acknowledge and that makes him uncomfortable.  Or his wife told him to stop talking to me.  Either way, it is really weak to just walk away after all the time we’ve been friends.  I deserve better than that.

July 8, 2018

This was just another one of those times where we stopped talking for a short period of time, then were right back to talking to one another.  I’m really tired of the dance, but I don’t know how to stop dancing.  There is this pull between us and I don’t know how to stop.  Yes, I do.  If I really wanted to stop the dance, I could cut the cord.

Daily Draw: Four of Cups

First Impressions:  Receiving

Book:  Suspicious, reluctant, bored, self absorbed, unable to appreciate goodness, disappointment with the status quo

Guidance:  Notice the gift, be open to receive, accept that you are worthy

Journaling

This card is about getting out of my self absorbed state and being willing to listen to the universe and receive gifts that are being offered.

One of the biggest gifts I have is that my body is still responsive to non-traditional ways of treating my diabetes.  Exercise still brings my blood sugar down.  For me it is about deciding I want health and being open to healing. It is so easy to turn to sugar for a quick energy hit, but all that does is create a downward spiral because it over taxes my body more and more.  I need to accept that I am going to deal with crap for a while while my body heals, but I won’t start feeling better until I start listening to what my body truly wants and needs instead of just giving in to the quick sugar fix.  I might also need to go back to oatmeal for breakfast.  I know why I fell off the sugar wagon before, it was because I was doing all the right things and my blood sugar was dropping, but I wasn’t losing weight so I got frustrated.

My real solution needs to be about focusing on how I feel instead of focusing on the numbers on the scale.  I did feel a lot better and had a lot more energy, but the minute I start feeling tired I go racing back to sugar and the whole damn cycle starts all over again.  At the end of the day, I don’t want to die and I want to be here for my kids and giving up sugar is one way to increase the odds of that happening.

July 7, 2018

All of what I said above is true and things that I still need to work on, but what struck me as I read the guidance this go round was to accept that you are worthy.  That is something I’ve had to struggle with my entire life.  I’ve worked hard for everything that I have, but I have never truly accepted that I am worthy just as a human being and that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone.  I am a beautifully flawed and amazing person just the way I am and I don’t need to change to be worthy of having good things in my life. 

I think that’s why X’s friendship is such a blessing in my life.  He is the first person that has ever truly loved me unconditionally with no strings attached.  He wants nothing from me, but our friendship and that is so refreshing.  Yes he can be annoying with his advice sometimes, but he gives the advice because he loves me and not because he is trying to fit me into some mold or because I embarrass him the way I am.

I know there are days when i don’t even think I’m worthy of my spirit guides love and guidance.

Ace of Cups

First Impressions:  I have mixed feelings about this card.  I love the moon phases, but they eye always strikes me as a little creepy.  The Ace of Cups is about emotional fulfillment.
Book:  Idealism, romance, spiritual love is meant to guide us, drawn along by feelings, do not run, giving or receiving love or blessings.
Guidance:  Do not run from your emotions, identify and express your feelings.
Journaling
This is a hard card for me to receive today.  I’m feeling mired in feelings of aloneness, shame, and despair.  Part of me feels like I should not have spoken out to my mother, but then I am so tired of keeping my silence.  I’m tired of being too nice.  I could totally relate to Minty (from a book I read) in that I just took it.  I kept nodding m y head and acquiescing even when it was something I didn’t want.  
I learned from my mother that my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter and that she fucking knew best.  Like the goddamned bumper sticker that she scraped off my car that I was paying for.  she was so concerned about what people would think so that without even asking she scraped it off my car.  And when I called the bitch on it, she gave me some bullshit about not wanting it in her yard.  What she was too stupid to get is that she had no right to mess with my belongings and that she could have asked me to move or to just back in.  But no, she took matters into her own hands and took it off the car.
That’s what she always did.  She never considered my feelings at all.  It was all about appearances and what she fucking wanted.  It was just like when she planted those stupid flowers in my plant, then had the audacity to be upset when I took them out. 

January 25, 2018
Wow!  I’ve finally realize why I get so upset with the maids messing with my stuff.  It all goes back to the total disrespect my mother has shown me my entire life.  She never listens and always thinks she knows best.  Even when I told her to leave the dishes, she would do them and then put them in stupid places.  
Reading this, it seems I still have a whole lot of anger over how my mother treated me growing up.  Well the good news is that I am no longer under her thumb and if I ever let her back in my life, I’m strong enough to tell her to go F* herself if she exhibits that same behavior.

Three of Cups

Three of Cups
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love how this cup is drawn with the three women dancing over the cups.  It is such a happy card and I love the celebratory mood.  I still don’t like the fact that the women aren’t looking at each other.  Overall, this is a card of celebration and love.

Book:  Surrounded by those who give you happiness, appreciation for life itself, good feelings

Guidance:  Acknowledge and appreciate your loved ones, take time to celebrate, practice gratitude

Journaling

Ironic card to pull as I don’t really have any friends.  However, I’ve been paying attention and I realize that I really do shut people out.  People at work invite me to parties and get togethers and I look for ways to get out of going.  I guess it really comes down to that I don’t want a lot of friends, I want that special person in my life and I don’t know how to get there.

January 23, 2018

I still don’t have a lot of friends in my life, but I’ve become a lot more comfortable in being who I am and setting boundaries.  With the insane job that I work, I have no emotional energy to have people in my life.  Okay, that really does sound lame.  I need to ask them to bring people into my life who will add value and emotional support versus being a drag.  I’m realizing that my heart really does need to function as a valve and let love both in and out.  All too often, it has been a one way pipe with love flowing out, but not much flowing in.  I need to not let too much flow out.  And that means I need to set boundaries and not always be so giving.

Another piece of this that strikes me is the part about practicing gratitude.  I’ve been making a concious effort to practice gratitude lately and write down the good things that happen each day.  I also make it a point to not write down the bad things that happen.  Every Sunday I pull cards and record what happened during the week and I realize this really helps me to let go of all the junk.

Another thing that is really helping me to let go of the junk is to transcribe my journals and look for the lessons.  This helps me to really keep what adds value and let go of all the whining and the junk.

Ace of Cups

Ace of Cups
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  This card as interesting as it seems to be about intellect and knowledge flowing into the cup instead of emotions.  I do love how the phases of the moon are over the cup, tying it to emotions and intuition.

Book:  Purity of emotion, spiritual love, meant to guide as in being drawn along by a feeling, do not run from intuition, peaceful, grateful, receiving love and blessings

Guidance:  Accept and feel your emotions

Journaling:

I am in a place in my life where I am emotionally fulfilled.  I’m accepting and recognizing the love that is all around me and that’s a good thing.  I feel as if I am blossoming by surrounding myself by people who are supportive and uplifting instead of gossipy nags.

I never realized how much my upbringing negatively affected me.  My mother truly did set the stage for my marriage to John as she trained me to be a subservient nobody and that’s exactly what he wanted in a wife:  Someone who would do her bidding and not want a life of her own.  My saving grace is that he was incapable of supporting a family so I had to work to support us.  If that hadn’t been the case, I might have lost all of me.

December 28, 2017

Sitting here in my house that only has my name on the mortgage, I’m realizing exactly how much I have broken away from my upbringing as I am not the person I was raised to be.  My mother raised me to be subservient and to put everyone else first, but somehow I’ve overcome that and become a strong and independent woman. 

As I write that phrase, I am so glad for Nephthys showing up in my life.  I have to be honest and say I was so afraid when she first showed up as she was the epitome of a virgin woman:  strong, independent, and confident.  I was terrified of being independent as I’d been raised to believe that a woman was nothing without a man, but I am someone all by myself.  Although I’d like someone in my life, I can still be complete and whole onto myself without someone. 

Dearest Nephthys,

Thank you so much for showing up all those years ago and taking me under your wing.  Thank you for helping me become the strong and independent woman I am today.  And I finally know I am independent enough to share my life with someone.

Blessings,

Raine

Ten of Cups

Ten of Cups
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family.  Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book:  Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I’ve done.  For the most part I am happy and content with my life.  I do want someone to love, but I’ve been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc.  The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean.  Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad.  I know I can’t say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it.  I’m not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn’t matter.