Category: Air

Nine of Air

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds.  When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that’s what this card makes me think of.  In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her.  This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book:  If you would known, do not fear to see.  Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries.  She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance:  Do not give fears a priority when making a decision.  Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today.  Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the “I’m fired” path.  That makes no sense at all because I’ve been billable and we’re gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went.  I’m learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do.  I’m so mean to myself even when I’ve done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am.  I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

  • Stop what I’m doing and breathe
  • Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
  • Roll with the situation and see what comes of it
December 28, 2017
I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that’s something easy I can remember.  I’ve come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I’m not there yet.  The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I’ve felt.  Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can’t react or I won’t have a job.  It’s one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.  
However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I’m no longer in an abusive relationship.  It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault.  I’m learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.
My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way.  It is all a process and the best thing is that I don’t have to have all the answers right now.

Messages from the Tarot: She who Watches

She who watches came to me last night in the form of the nine of air from the Gaian Tarot.  I’ve endured a long month of depression starting on my birthday, November 6th, and continuing through my NameDay (i.e. the anniversary of the day I legally changed my name).

It’s always a time of darkness as memories  of my estranged mother, my departed father (died November 28, 2008), my now ex’s heart attack (December 6, 2009), and my imploded marriage (Married November 19, 1988) haunt my body and soul.   In years passed, I’ve berated myself for letting what were just days on the calendar affect my well being, but this year I’ve leaned into the pain.  I’ve acknowledged the grief and sorrow these events have brought and I’ve chosen to cocoon myself and grieve.

The darkness was deeper than I’d anticipated and there were days when all I wanted to do was to cry.  However, I got up each  morning and did what needed to be done and reminded myself that I’ve been through dark times before and they had passed.   I made myself pull my daily tarot card even though there were days when even that felt like too much effort.

The worst part of the darkness was feeling disconnected and as if my beloved goddesses had abandoned me.  I cried out for strength, for compassion, for love, and it felt as if I was met with silence each time I cried out in pain.  All my normal ways of connecting were not working.

Finally, yesterday, I woke and it felt as if the clouds were breaking and maybe, just maybe, things really would be okay.  I reminded myself that on December 7, 2011 I had chosen to legally change my name to Raine (Queen) Clara (Saint) Shakti (Goddess) and that maybe I did have the strength and courage to pull out of this tailspin.

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Last night the guidance finally came to me.  I was laying in bed thinking about my pain and imagining a bleak future, which naturally lead me to think about the nine of swords.  However, the nine of swords was replaced with the nine of air from Joanna Powell Colbert’s Gaian tarot and as I imagined myself the woman in the image, I heard She Who Watches tell me to just let go.  To let go of the pole I was holding on to, to let go of the pain I was holding, to let go of the nightmares.

Letting go was hard, but as I let go, I found myself flying over the Seeker’s Valley.  I was flying and seeing my life from the vantage point of an eagle rising above the strife and pain.  I was free from all of it.  As I flew, the valley became more colorful and psychedelic and I realized that I had to change my perception and let go of viewing the world as painful and ordinary.  I was also shown that all the twists and turns I’d gone through in my life were leading me somewhere and that I was being taken care of and held.

She Who Watches said she was always there for me and was watching and protecting me.  She also reminded me that I had the strength to persevere.

Hag of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

I awoke this morning feeling more calm and hopeful than I’ve felt in the last month and when I logged on to Facebook, what did I see?  Someone had posted the Hag of Earth (She Who Watches) from Ellen Lorenzi-Prince’s Dark Goddess Tarot.  And I felt loved and I knew my beloved Goddesses were still with me.

I’ve pulled both She Who Watches images from their respective tarot decks and they are sitting on my altar to remind me that she is always with me.

Update:  December 21, 2017

I was cleaning my meditation room and a deck of tarot cards spilled.  The card that jumped out was the Five of Discs which was a beautiful image of She Who Watches from the Triumph of Life Tarot deck.

Three of Air

Three of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions:  This card makes me think of Barack Obama sitting in a library studying and writing down tremendous wisdom.  This is a card of wisdom and doing the work of learning.  As I write this, I’m realizing that the Three of Air translates to the Three of Swords which is traditionally a card of heart break.

Journaling:

This card is about pouring your heart out on the page.  It is about being smart enough to know when to turn to book wisdom and smart enough to know when to look inside and to trust the wisdom inside my soul. 

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks pouring my heart out on the page and there is a huge part of me that says there is nothing more to pour out, but I know that is not true as there is always more to pour out on the page.  What I don’t know if continually digging into my soul is positive or negative.  Am I uncovering junk and releasing it or am I stuck in my own shit?  Is what I’m uncovering fertilizer that can help me move forward or quicksand that I will get mired in?  I guess at the end of the day, it is up to me as to whether it is mulch or quicksand.  I can choose to be a victim and be stuck in the past or I can choose to use it as fertilizer to grow my future.  I am choosing fertilizer.

Since I’ve been thinking about John lately, I need to put on my thinking cap and truly think about the lessons I learned from him:

  • Men who want to go out with their friends and get drunk rather than stay home are party boys and may never grow up.  It’s okay to go out sometimes, but a grownup wants a mix of the two and not constant partying.
  • Men who do not respect my boundaries are not for  me
  • There needs to be an equal division of labor in a marriage.  I should not have had to carry the entire financial burden and clean the house while he sat on his butt
  • Men who refuse to work because a job is beneath them are arrogant and lazy
What I want in a partner:
  • An equal partner
  • Someone who pays his own way
  • Someone who respects my boundaries
  • Someone who does not gaslight me
  • Someone with similar interests
  • A guy who likes to hang at home and have a few people over
  • A guy who will go to art museums and concerts in the park
  • A guy who will walk barefoot in the grass
  • A guy who kisses me in the moonlight
  • A guy who loves me despite my flaws
Other things I’ve learned:
  • That I need to open my heart to love and put myself out there
  • That I am worth knowing an loving
  • That John and I were probably wrong from each other from the start, but that he lied about who he was and what he wanted in a relationship as he said he wanted an equal and that he wanted a family, but that’s never what he wanted
  • I’m not really angry anymore an I’ve learned a lot of lessons
December 29, 2017
This was amazingly powerful stuff and the best part is that these are lessons that have stuck for the most part.  I have truly realized that I am worth knowing and loving and that I have to open my heart to love.  I’m still not exactly sure how or when I will meet someone, but I’ve put it out their to my guides and I’ve opened myself to be ready and willing to listen to their guidance and we’ll see what happens.  

Child of Air (Reversed)

Child of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions:  This card has such a sense of innocence about it as the girl is surrounded by butterflies as she stands in the clouds.  One of the things I did not notice until just now is that the butterflies are in the shape of an S.  As I drew this card reversed, it tells me that I am tuned out.

Book:  Afraid to explore new ideas or make changes because of critical voices, banish negative thoughts

Journaling

Not being attuned to the messages around me.  Not being in communication with the universe.  Since this card is reversed, it could also symbolize the heavy weight of grief weighing me down again.  There are days I feel as if I am just mired in grief.

This is another card that is telling me that I need to heal and move on, but the question is how do I heal and move on as I have done so much healing work.  However, I feel this is the final push through the grief and letting go.  I need to make one last push to let go of it all.

December 29, 2017

Wow!  This was profound as I really feel as if Tarot has been the final spiritual practice that has pushed me to grow and let go of all the garbage.  What Tarot does for me is that it engages both my intuition and my logic.  Reading the meanings is about logic, but because the readings engage my brain, they free up my intuition to make their own connections.  I also think that actually having a daily practice where I’ve committed to pulling a card and journaling every single day helps.  I know that I will put myself out there day after day.

I’ve also come to accept that there are always going to be days where I feel stuck, sad, grief-stricken, etc.  However, I can choose to acknowledge those feelings and use logic if they aren’t rooted in logic to help me move past those feelings.  I also need to make up my decisions with real world actions and I’ve been starting to do that more and more.  I really really wanted to go to Chicago for my birthday, but I knew that would mean meeting X for lunch and having a reading and those things would have drug me right back into my obsession.  Deliberately choosing not to go to Chicago meant I got to keep my distance.  Although, I still miss the food as Mexican food really sucks in the CLE.


Nine of Air

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Journaling:

The nine of air is a card of deep sorrow and grieving.  As my physical strength has been stripped away, I find I have no energy for pretense or illusion.  There is a deep grief at the core of my being:  grief over my desire for happily ever after, grief over the fact that I am alone.

This card is about all that binds me to the past.  It is also about trusting that she will take care of me.  It is about letting go and being willing to sacrifice my dreams.  That’s hard for me as I’m scared of being alone and I feel my life isn’t valuable if I’m alone.  However, the flip side is that I am so afraid of being hurt that I don’t let people in.  Even though it is lonely, it is so much easier to hold people at arm’s length then to let them in.  I guess I just have to trust the goddess.

December 24, 2017

This card still resonates with me as I find myself clinging to the old ways of doing things and my old thought patterns.  She has appeared to me multiple times to tell me to let go and I have started to let go, but sometimes when I get scared or stressed, I start clinging to things that I shouldn’t cling to.