Author: Raine Shakti

I discovered The Radiant Tarot a few months ago and I really love it because each card not only has a meaning, it also has a creative project to go along with it.  My goal for the next few months is to do a Sacred Sunday creativity project to explore the cards using these prompts.  I may not be perfect about it, but I’m going to give it a go.

I pulled Judgement today and I really love this card as it depicts a faery with butterfly wings who is rising above a rabbit and a tombstone.  The reading for the card is about doing an honest and critical judgement of yourself.  However, this isn’t about beating yourself up, it is about identifying attributes (strengths, weaknesses, emotional characteristics, etc.) that you like and don’t like.  And if there are characteristics you don’t like, it is about taking action to change them.  Interestingly, this same topic came up in the Trauma reading that I did yesterday with the Tarot of Trees.

The Creative Project for Judgement was to sit in front of a mirror and look at yourself.  The guidance was to focus on your breath, but to not take your eyes off of yourself in the mirror.  I don’t have a large mirror that is in a conveient place to sit, so I chose to do this exercise with a heavy hand mirror.  I took off my glasses and held the mirror so that I could really study my face.  There are things that I don’t like (my double chin, the stray hairs, etc.).  However, there are also things that I do like, the serene look in my eyes and the fact that I mostly look and am happy.  I hate looking at photos of myself when I was with John because I always looked so beaten down and angry.  That anger is gone for the most part, but I don’t ever want to forget, because I don’t want to ever put myself in that situation again.

As I continue to reflect on the face in the mirror, I realize that I see my parents and grandparents in my face more than I ever have before.  My curly gray hair reminds me of my grandmother and my eyes are my father’s.  My mother is there too in the shape of my face, but my smile is all my own.  I also see an elder looking back at me and not a young person.  The elder is a role I’ve been stepping into lately with mentoring people at work, but it isn’t a role I am wholly comfortable with.  There is a part of me that feels I’m not there yet, that it isn’t my time to guide and lead.  However, I’m becoming more comfortable with this role.

The last bit of guidance for this project was to write a love letter to myself.

Dearest Raine,

You have come so far from that scared young girl who was terrified that people wouldn’t like her.  You’ve always said yes to adventure and change and that has served you well.  You’ve traveled the world, but more importantly you’ve worked to explore and traverse your inner landscape.  In some ways, the inner landscape is more terrifying than the outer.  However, you have done both with grace.

You’re also learning to show yourself grace and that self love is one of the most important skills that you will every learn.  At the end of the day, you are the only one you have to rely on so learning to love yourself is important.

Blessings,

Yourself

 One of the things that I know about myself is that I have an obsessive need to be the best and if I’m not, I get angry and rude.  I will push back and cut people down who are threatening my supremacy.  Not only does this make me look like an ass, it also causes internal drama for me.  My chest gets tight, I feel the cortisol racing through my body, I get agitated, and it becomes more difficult to control what comes out of my mouth.  I know that this is not healthy for me, but it is an automatic response and I haven’t been able to control it to date.  This is something that I really feel like I need to dig into.

Why do I feel as if I always have to be the best?

The bottom line is that I think in black and white and if someone is as good or better than me, than I am worthless.  I feel like I always have to defend myself against other people because if I lose, then I will disappear.  I feel like someone being better than me means that I have to fight them off so that I am at the top of the hill.

If I look at where this came from, this one came from John as he was always comparing me unfavorably to other women.  They were nicer, they were kinder, they were prettier.  He would have these online relationships and he was constantly putting me down to these women and talking about how i was worthless and a slob.  However, what he didn’t realize is that in a lot of ways I was a reflection of him constantly putting me down.  It is really hard to feel good about yourself when someone is constantly telling you that you are worthless or that other people are better than you.  It is also very hard to feel good about yourself when someone who is supposed to love you is talking smack about you behind your back.  

The thing that makes me the most angry is that I worked really hard to not talk negatively behind his back and to not tell people how unhappy and sad I really was.  I really tried to support him and help him, but he didn’t believe that.  It was only in the last few years when it got really bad that I was honest with people about how unhappy I was.

What REALLY happens if I’m not the best?

This is an interesting card to pull in this position because I was expecting to get a reading about it not being any big deal and people still liking me.  However, the card I got actually reflects how I feel if I am not the best.  I get jealous and moody.  I strike out at people and I am generally an ass.  Since I wear my emotions on my sleeve, everyone knows when I am angry and even if I don’t say anything, my energy is bristly and horrible.  

The real problem is that I have this huge competitive streak and if there is anyone who threatens my supremacy, I feel like I have to destroy them.  I’m really struggling with this at work because G. is giving some of the weaker members of our team projects that I’d really like to do and that I know I can excel at.  My sick little brain is telling me that he is giving people those tasks because he thinks they will do better than I will.  And my insane jealousy kicks in and I want to cut them down instead of mentoring them and building them up.

The thing is that I am actually a really good mentor, when I don’t feel threatened.  When I feel that someone has complimentary skills to mine, I can help them be better.  However, when I feel someone is competition, I struggle to even be nice.

How do I let go of having to be the best?

What will happen if I let go of needing to be the best?

 July 21, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card is strange as it does not give the impression of competition and / or conflict that the traditional five of wands gives

Book:  Challenge, blocks, shifting, finding your flow

Guidance:  Sometimes taking on too much at once occludes your responsiblities 

Journaling:

Where I’m At:  I had to be at the Cleveland plant today and I had an interesting experience on  my way to the office.  I stopped by Burger King because I was starving and the gentleman working called me hun and other endearments and I was a little offended, but then I got the window and it was this older very well dressed Black gentleman.  I was wearing a long sleeved shirt and a tie and he just looked like he was proud of who he was and what he was doing.  I made me think about whether I carry myself like that and the answer is most likely no as I don’t really care about dressing up.

Weather:  It started out nice this morning when I needed to go into the Cleveland office, but it got hot and gross later in the day.  I went out for dinner with Tiffany and by the time we got to Ohio City, it was absolutely disgusting.  It was about 90 degrees and incredibly humid.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:09/8:55 

—————————————————————————————————————————

March 13, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Competition, climbing toward the light, competition with oneself

Book:  Competition, Conflict, Ambition, being pushed by others to excel,

Guidance:   Retreat from energies that are draining your progress

Journaling:

This is an interesting card for me to pull because there are times I feel I need to compete with the evil M.  However, the truth of the matter is that I don’t need to compete with her at all.  I’m my own person and I do an awesome job at what I do.  She feels the need to compete with me, but that doesn’t mean I need to compete with her.  I view this like a fight, when someone is pushing and pushing against someone who doesn’t push back, ultimately I will step aside and she will fall flat on her ugly face.  I know that’s super mean of me, but I’m so tired of all her crappy little comments and judgementalism.  Oh well, I know my boss doesn’t buy into her garbage so I just need to let it go.  She will get hers eventually.

Where I’m At: I’m at home sitting in the living room while Wendy rolls around on the floor like the goof she is.

Weather: It’s flipping cold outside.  Even though it is March it is 15 degrees out and snowing.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 69%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:41 am / 7: 31 pm

————————————————————————————————————————–

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Battling for a cause, strife

Book:  Reality crashes with ideals

Guidance:  Reality clashes with ideals. Patience and perseverance are needed in order to accomplish goals.

Journaling

It was such a day of contrasts today as I spent the day learning and being passionate about really interesting stuff.  Then I got sucked back into my day job when Scott called me.  I was a little pissed off, but I also know that he has a job to do as well and that he needed my help to do it well.  I also appreciate the fact that he is really gaining an appreciation of OCM.  The real struggle is my own internal struggle as I see where I want to go with my life, but I’m stuck where I’m at because of finances.  I feel trapped, but I don’t know how to change my life and move into a place of living from passion.  Part of feeling trapped is the bills because if I had everything paid off, I could afford to make less money.  However, it seems like there is always something that needs to be paid.

One of the things I need to do is to be better at eating cheap when I travel because if I don’t spend it, I get to keep the per diem and if I’m careful I could use some of that to pay my bills off.  I also need to just stop spending so much.  That is an inner conflict though because I know that I use spending as a way to make myself feel better.  I know it isn’t smart, but sometimes I just feel like I bust my butt for everyone else and I don’t get anything for me.  When I feel that way, I have a real tendency to spend, spend, spend.  Maybe I just need to ritually start turning over my spending every day and ask them to help me.

July 10, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Conflict, anger, crossed swords (wands)

Book:  Conflict often brings surprising gifts, being challenged causes you to get clear on what you believe and builds your self confident
Guidance:  Do not run from confrontation, but see what insights it might offer, be confident, but playful

Journaling

It was a rough day today as it just felt like there was so much conflict and ugliness, particularly among the consulting team.  It feels like certain players just don’t want to play by the rules, but want to make their own rules.  And it’s really frustrating because they don’t see the fact that they are making decisions that are not theirs to make and as such are causing anger and dissension among the ranks.  I also  see a total lack of personal responsibility and willingness to take ownership for their bad behavior.  However, I also see the person who is in charge being unwilling to engage in confrontation.  It’s really hard to call people on their bad behavior, but if you don’t do it and you try to take the nice way, things never get better.  I have learned the hard way that idiots who refuse to follow directions generally need to be told they are idiots before they get in line.  If you just continue to accommodate them, they will continue to behave badly.

The problem is that I’m not in charge of this rodeo so I’m not empowered to make them stop behaving badly and if I do step in, that just makes the situation worse.  However, it is also not my rodeo and I need to stop taking it all personally and stop making it about me.  It’s not about me and I’m not the one that needs to tamp down the insurrection.  This is a good lesson for me about leadership and management because I see the person in charge doing the wrong things.  She needs to squash the rebellion and cut off their avenues of escape/escalation.  And until she is willing to do that, we won’t get very far.  She is just way to accommodating.  There is a difference between being in a position where you don’t truly have power and one where you don’t.  I generally don’t have power so I need to look for allies to help enforce things. 

Gratitudes

Going to sleep on time

Watching Anthony Bourdain in Ghana

IMing with Cam

Getting support from my extended team

——————————————————————————————————————–

December 26, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Conflict

Book:  Learning your own strengths and weaknesses, helping ourselves and others, old flaws are challenged

Guidance:  Do your best for your own good and the good of others, shake things up and see what happens

Journaling

This card about competing with others to make everyone better.  I’m not sure why I pulled this card today, but it gives me something to reflect on.  I do know that I need to be my best self, but I’m not positive what that means.  I guess it is something to reflect on.

July 7, 2018

I’ve always viewed competition one of two ways:  Either I had to be so good that I was going to obliterate the other person or I was going to walk away and not compete.  Maybe I need to change how I look at competition and look at it as a collaboration with people pushing the other person to be their best self.

Collaboration and working with others is something that is really difficult for me.  I much prefer to do things my own way and I always feel like anyone that I work with is in competition with me.  Maybe I need to think about this as others pushing me to be my best self.  I don’t know if I will ever be  that enlightened.
—————————————————————————————————————————

May 5, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:   Put down your weapons

Book:  Revealing an inner weakness, drawing our energy

Guidance:  Consider what your weaknesses led to conflict, look inward for conflict

Affirmation:  I heal myself

Journaling

April 27, 2016

Five of Fire Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  Five of Fire

Journaling:

Interesting that this was not technically the card of the day.  I clicked on Draw a Card in the app instead of Today’s Card and this is what I got.  This card is very apt though as I am playing with fire as I am letting all rhyme and reason go out of my head where a certain someone is concerned.  I could let myself get totally consumed by his flame and that would not be a healthy place for me to be, but there is a part of me that doesn’t care.

May 8, 2016

I’m still not sure what the meaning of this card is.  I originally thought it was about playing with fire and getting burned, but the fire breather controls the fire without getting burned.  I think this requires some more prayer and meditation.

December 25, 2017

The five of fire can be an incredible high, but it can also be dangerous as the person breathing fire and /or the audience can get burned.  I think the message for me is to be careful.  I have the tendency to become obsessed and let myself be consumed by people and things.  I’ve been working hard to learn to take a step back and I have to say I’ve been way better about it.

 July 18, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  The Ace of Pentacles is rising above the mountains, but the mountains also look like clapping hands

Book:  New Opportunity, Prosperity, Abundance, Manifestation

Guidance:   A new opportunity presents itself

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull today as Glenn finally told me what this new job they were talking about back in May was.  They wanted me to do a job swap with someone in Arlington in order to give me more strategic experience, but I’m not sure how I would be gaining more strategic experience as it would just be doing change management for strategic planning and not T&P.  And they already have someone in a CM role and I have learned that I don’t do well when I have to share.  I like to be the alpha and I don’t like to have other people in the same role I’m in.  It does not end well.

On the positive side, I didn’t get my ass handed to me over refusing to play nice with Bitch M.  I was honestly expecting to get chewed out, but nope.  And I know that Brian and Glenn talked so I guess that whole thing is done.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home sitting on the couch with Wendy.  She was a total nightmare dog today.  I ran out for 15 minutes and in that 15 minutes she had taken stuff off the table and woke Cam up.

Weather:  It rained most of the morning today.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 72%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:06 / 8:58

————————————————————————————————————————-

 May 16, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Hard work, stars, seeing the glittery side of the world

Book:  New resource, wealth, health, comfort, nurture

Guidance: Divinity has a hand in a new opportunity

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull with all the shiny stars and illumination.  It’s funny because I’ve been saying “let there be light” about my new window and the card that I pull today is all about light and stars.  I also got goosebumps as I read about divinity having a hand in a new opportunity because of how I felt when I walked into Metro.  It felt like I was home an that was super weird.  It felt as if that was a place I could see myself going to every week and helping others.  I don’t know, that is probably a pipe dream because there is now way that they can pay as much as I need to make.  I guess I just need to keep praying and turning it over.

Where: I’m at home this week!  My new window came and it is amazing.  It is so wonderful to be able to open the window and get fresh air in the house.  And I was so proud of Wendy this morning.  She came downstairs to hang out with me when the installers were here and she just sat on my lap and cuddled.  She looked over at them once or twice, but she didn’t even go up and say hello.  I also went to Metro Health today to meet with K. and G. and it was super nice to actually meet people.  It was also the oddest thing as I walked into Metro, I felt like I was home.  It so felt like where I belonged, but I don’t know how to make that happen.

Weather:  It rained this morning when they were putting in my new window, but it cleared up and was sunny later in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Full Moon.  There was also an eclipse today, but it was cloudy so it wasn’t really visible in the Cle.

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:04 /8:40

———————————————————————————————————————-

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Sunny, fulfillment

Book:  Material realm, hearth, home, body, nature, seeds planted will grow into lasting achievements

Guidance:  Ground your ambitions into practical matters, remember that what is most sacred can be found within yourself

Journaling

One of the most important lessons that I am learning lately is about the importance of being kind to myself and that means eating healthy food, making sure I get enough sleep, exercising, and basically taking good care of me.  It also means not berating myself and beating myself up.  I’m also realizing that how we treat our selves is truly reflected in how we treat others and the planet.  Even people who think they are being kind to themselves or are taking care of themselves are not because they push themselves too hard, they don’t get enough sleep, they eat junk, or they drink too much caffeine.  Truly honoring ourselves means being cognizant of what we put into our bodies.  If we don’t honor and take care of ourselves, how can we take care of the world?

One of the biggest changes I’ve made lately is being kind to myself.  I always used to berate myself for my weight, for how I looked, and for every mistake I’ve made.  As I’ve come to love and appreciate myself more, I’ve started to be kinder to myself.  I’ve started to accept who I am and work to be the best person I can be instead of beating myself for things I can’t change overnight.  I’ve realized that I was punishing myself for my weight by not sleeping and by not taking care of myself.  However, I’ve started realizing that I need to make sure I get enough sleep, I need to exercise even if it is just a little bit every day, and I’ve started working to let go of the stress in my life.  What I’ve found is that as I let go of the stress, I’m not so hungry.

December 18, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Loss of money, disillusioned, loss of wholeness

Book:  Gift of resources, health issues, lack of firm opportunity, refusing to play it safe, be careful about finances, delays

Guidance:  Do not undervalue this gift, shift your priorities, stay put for now, be cautious financially

Journaling

Interesting card to draw.  I’m not sure what it means, but I will pay attention.  My gut tells me it is not about money, but about health and that I need to make this the year to truly pay attention to my body.  I know I need to cut the sugar as it is literally killing me.  But that means I need to develop alternative energy sources.  My current strategy is to just keep sucking down sugar, but that’s not working.  I need to eat slower burning energy sources that will give me longer lasting energy.

July 7, 2018

I am still sucking down too much sugar and starches and not eating the right things at all.  I am abusing my body and there are days I feel like an alcoholic as I just crave the stuff and I cannot stop drinking soda.  I don’t know what the solution is, but maybe it is to take a week off and spend some time getting in touch with my body and figuring out what feels right.

I also need to dig back into the Good Mood cookbook.  It has such good guidance in it, but I haven’t made the time or energy to dig into it.  I am going to commit to reading it this month and putting the principles into practice next month as I will be home most of the month.

October 2, 2016

First Impressions: 

Ace of Pentacles Hanson-Roberts

 The ace is supported by flowers, which reiterates the connection to the earth.  The background is pink suggesting either sunrise or sunset.  This card speaks to me of financial good fortune and a sense of completion, which seems odd as Aces are traditionally about beginnings.

Book:  New ventures, investment, financial gains, gifts of financial wisdom.

Guidance:  Be prepared to deal with minor stuff .  Do not lose site of spiritual wisdom.  Ground yourself.

Journaling

I am in a place right now where I do need to ground myself in the physical world.  My blood sugar numbers are horrible and I’m not sure how to fix it.  Okay, that’s a lie.  I know how to fix it, I need to give up sugar and exercise.  However, giving up sugar is hard for me right now because I am fundamentally unhappy and I need love in my life and without it, I kind of feel like what’s the point?

I know I am committing suicide by sugar and that it needs to stop, but my heart aches and I am ready for love and it is hard to continue to be positive when I’m alone.  I just want someone to laugh with and to share the good and the bad with.  I also disagree with Scott’s advice to waiting before embarking on super powerful love magick.  Waiting never serves a good purpose for me when I have made a decision and I have.

I’m ready to let go and move on.  I just need to chart my course and execute.  If I continue to wait, I will be waiting my entire life and that’s not what I want.  I’m ready to have someone new in my life.  I will always love him, but I’m done waiting.

December 23, 2017

Wow!  I am impressed with myself.  I did do a cord cutting ritual and I did let go and although it has been hard, I’ve worked hard to make deliberate choices to not reconnect.  I’ve chosen to not go to Chicago and have lunch.  I’ve chosen to not send emails.  I’ve chosen not to answer some emails.  In short, I’ve made the decision that is right for me and there are times it sucks, but overall it feels really really good to have made the deliberate choices to let go of the obsession.

I’ve also worked hard at focusing on me and focusing on living my life for me and not waiting until I have someone in my life.  I am strong and capable and although it would be nice to have someone, it is also kind of nice to have my own space and to be able to grow and change at my own pace.

 Joy | Master | Jay

This isn’t like one of our normal hops where all of our hops appear at the same time.  We were given a week to write on the topic of To Be Honest, which is a play on the initials for the Tarot Blog Hop.  Our fearless wrangler, Jay Cassels, has challenged us to write about “Being honest: what does that mean for you in relation to the tarot, and how do you maintain your integrity and honesty when faced with challenging cards?”

Before I dove into this, I wanted to define for myself and my readers the words Truth and Honest.  

Truth:  The best definition of Truth, according to Dictionary.com, is “a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like.”  However, when we are dealing in the world of Tarot and the questions asked such as “Does he like me?”  or “What is the future of my marriage?”  truth is a little hard to define as the cards will provide insights and suggestions, but the cards cannot declare cold hard facts around questions like these.

Honest:  According to Dictionary.com, Honest is being “honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair.”  There is nothing in this or the other definitions about being honest being about telling the truth.  Additionally, this definition is a little wiggly because if my principles are to be honorable, may mean that I sugarcoat the truth in order to not hurt someone.

Now that I’ve provided those definitions as background, let’s look at the key components of Honesty and Truth within a Tarot reading:  the querent, the reader, the question, the deck, and the cards pulled.

The Querent

The best tarot readings happen when the querent comes to the reading table with an open heart, an open mind, and a willingness to hear and accept the truth from a reader.  Unfortunately, if a querent is in an emotional state or is looking for a particular outcome, they may not be ready to hear or accept the truth of a reading no matter how blunt the reader or the cards are.  

Immediately after my husband left me and I was desperate to reconcile, I went to readers and asked about the state of my marriage.  The below represents a typical reading and my interpretation versus a more realistic interpretation of the cards.

The Reader

The reader greatly influences the truth of a tarot reading.  As I noted above, being honest is about having honorable principles.  However, honorable principles can be interpreted several different ways.  One reader could interpret honorable principles to mean being brutally honest in a “rip the bandage off” kind of way and could read the cards in the harshest possible way even if it leaves the querent in tears.  Another reader could interpret honorable principles to mean giving the reader hope knowing that what the cards say is not set in stone and that there is a possibility that if the querent has a positive attitude and takes positive actions, things could change. The below shows how the Prince (Knight) of Cups could be interpreted by two different readers in a reading about love.

The Deck (And the Little White Book)

The deck a reader chooses to read with and the accompanying little white book, which provides the deck creators thoughts on a card, also impacts the truth of a reading as each deck creator and artist interpret the cards based on their own life experience and their vision for the card.   The below shows four different “Devil” Cards and each deck creator’s thoughts on the card and my reading of the card.   

The Question

One of the things I learned when going through a period when I was getting regular Tarot readings is that how the question is phrased really matters.  While the questions “Does my husband still love me?”  and “How does my husband feel about me?” are both asking about my husband’s feelings about me, one will be more likely to give a yes or no answer, but the other will give a more nuanced reading and could indicate he has mixed feelings about me that include anger, care, etc.  In a job related reading, the question “Will I get this job?” will give a yes or no answer, but doesn’t really tell me a lot.  However, the question “Is this job right for me?”  will give me more valuable information.  I’ve learned that more open ended questions work better for me because they give me more information and often give me things things to consider that I might not have thought about.

The Cards

The last variable in a reading is the cards that choose to present themselves in a reading, but there is much overlap and subtlety in a tarot deck.  For instance, both Death and the Tower speak to change but in different ways.  Death speaks to a  time of transformation and rebirth, which could occur over time.  However, the Tower tells us to expect an unexpected and sudden change where the old will be swept away.  

In another example, the Empress, Nine of Pentacles, and the Queen of Pentacles are all beautiful earthy women living abundant lives, but they are not interchangeable.

Empress (The Lady): The Empress is creative and fertile and she is the ultimate earth mother.  She encourages us to love and trust one another.  She nurtures us, loves us, and inspires us to be our best creative selves.  As a Major, the Empress is about creativity and fertility in the widest possible sense.  It may be being creative in how we raise our children or giving birth to creative projects.

Nine of Pentacles:  Like the Empress and the Queen of Pentacles, the Nine of Pentacles is also living an abundant life filled with pleasure.  However, unlike the Empress and QOP, the Nine of Pentacles doesn’t seem to have a nurturing bone in her body.  She is about creating and living her best life.  While the Empress and QOP are most likely moms and derive great satisfaction from nurturing others, Madam Nine is living life on her own terms and seeking out the things that make her happy.

Queen of Pentacles:  Like the Empress, the Queen of Pentacles is also living an abundant life, but she doesn’t have the wild creativity of the Empress.  QOP is the quintessential homemaker as she loves taking care of kids, dogs, and the house.  She loves things of beauty and she lives a life of abundance.  She is nurturing, practical, and pragmatic.

To Be Honest

As I reflect on the words Truth and Honest with regards to Tarot Readings, I realize is that there is no “one true truth” as Tarot readings are more art than science.  However, I do believe that as readers we should approach each reading with an open heart and honest intentions.  We should seek to be honorable in our intentions and to have the best interests of our querents at heart.  If we approach our readings from a pure heart, I believe we will be guided to choose the right deck for the reading, ask the right questions, and pull the right cards.  I also believe that we will find the right words to help the querent understand and accept what the cards are telling them.

Happy Taroting

 Joy | Master | Jay

 July 14, 2022

Deck:  The Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card is confusing as I have no clue what a Russian soldier has to do with relaxing.

Book:  Seclusion, minimalism, meditation, self-care, rest, contemplation

Guidance:   Don’t fear what is next

Journaling:

This card is about taking a pause, getting your head on straight, then choosing a course of action and proceeding.  This is a really important reminder to me today that I need to take a pause.  I need to retreat from the fray so I can determine what’s next and make a good decision.  I’ve been so angry and frustrated this week about the Evil M and the Incompetent B. that I haven’t been thinking rashly.  I’ve been letting my emotions drive me and that is never a good place to make a final decision.  However, I have an interview set up for the next week and all will be good.

This was also a good week since I was at the plant, it was easier to avoid the Evil M and her taking over and acting like the boss.  I had a good excuse to not be her minion.  However, the good thing is that I know in two years I will have forgotten who she is or she will be one of those memories of “Remember what an ass that person is?”  

Where I’m At:  I’m in Trenton today and I’m actually enjoying  my time here, except for the heat.  I went to Chillicothe for dinner and the town is kind of cool.   There are murals painted around town and there are some restaurants in old buildings.  However, I had one of the absolute worst meals ever.  I ordered ribs and I thought they’d be good because KC BBQ is a thing.  However, the ribs were undercooked and were not falling off the bone and the lobster was overcooked.  I would have been super pissed if I had been paying for it.

Weather:  It is super F*ing hot.  It was about 95 today with a real feel close to 100. 

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 99

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 / 8:44

—————————————————————————————————————————–

February 20, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Cocooning, safety, feeling secure, I love that the swords are needles in this image

Book:  Dee[ reset, burnout, taking a vacation from reality, healing, recuperation, self love, introspection

Guidance:   Take time for deep rest and healing

Journaling:

I love this message in this card because it is about that deep, restorative healing that we all need sometimes in order to take care of ourselves.  This is also a reminder that self-care is about doing the hard work of working through trauma and taking care of ourselves.  I have been so much better about taking care of myself lately.  It used to be that I punished my body and my soul because I thought I wasn’t good enough, but I’ve realized that I am good enough and I have been taking care of myself. 

It is really hard some days because it feels like there is so much to do, but I’ve stopped letting my mother be in my head telling me that I don’t matter and all that matters is a clean house.  I don’t like having a messy house, but I am learning to accept that it is okay if there are blankets lying around and things aren’t all put away.  If the choice is between taking care of myself and cleaning house, I’m going to always choose taking care of myself.  However, I also know that there are times when cleaning house is what I need to do to take care of myself.

I did trauma work last night and I slept so deeply.  I just fell into the deepest sleep and it felt very restorative.  

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today, sitting on the couch with Clark.  He’s got his sweet little snoot stuck in my legs and I’m feeling very loved.

Mood:  I’m in a good mood.  I slept deeply last night and woke up 6.  I’m still feeling a little sleepy, but overall I’m good.

Weather:   It is bitter cold outside (20, but feels like 6) and I’m not feeling like leaving the house, but I have errands I gotta run.  I’m gonna leave in a few minutes so I can get home sooner.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 85%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:14 am/ 6:06 pm

—————————————————————————————————————————-

First Impressions:  At a crossroads, disregarding distractions

Book:  Being protected from the piercing thoughts

Guidance:  Take a rest from your challenges

Journaling:

What I love about this version of the four of swords is it does not show the woman completely withdrawn, instead she is shown as pierced through by her thoughts, but still able to maintain and be at peace.  That is a difficult skill and one that I am not always good at as I let myself get distracted by my thoughts and go down rabbit holes.  What I’m finding though is that the more I am able to center and to withdraw within myself, the more I am able to find peace, and the more I am able to find peace, the more I am able to peacefully influence others.

Interestingly as I look at this card, it reminds me of how I am with one of my more challenging clients, it is as if I withdraw within myself and I am able to interact from a place that means it is not personal.  I can almost physically feel myself contracting when I deal with this person and I am able to operate from a place where I am not swayed by anything that she says.  It is so weird because I feel an almost physical phenomenon when I pull my energy in.  It doesn’t really feel good or bad, but I definitely feel contacted and more guarded.  In some ways this is taking a rest from my challenges because I am not letting them influence me or sway me.

May 18, 2019

Deck:  

First Impressions:  Rest, Recuperation, taking care of ourselves first

Book:  Retreat, seclusion guarded by three swords, need for rest

Guidance:  Now is the time to heal through solitude and reflection.  Learn how to better balance your ideas with reality.  An honest evaluation of your part in the drama is key to your growth

Journaling

What I love about this image is that she is laying on her side and appears very much at peace and very restful.  You can also see her horse grazing in the background while she sleeps.  This card tells me that it is time for me to put myself first and to take time for solitude and reflection.  It is time for me to let go of the outside world and to let myself reflect on what is going on in my life and where I’m going.  What’s interesting for me is that I have been doing a lot of that lately, especially reflecting on my part in the drama and what I could have done differently.  One of the key messages that I’ve been receiving lately is that I need to commit.  I need to commit to jobs, I need to commit to the World Spirit Tarot deck, and I need to commit to myself.

I was let go from a job nine years ago right after my husband decided to leave me because I had totally flaked out and was unable to function.  I felt lost and abandoned and ever since that time I’ve had a problem committing to jobs.  I’ve always found something wrong with a position around the two year point and started looking.  As I reflect on that situation, I realize that I was afraid.  My husband left me after 22 years and it had become really difficult for me to trust people, especially people who held my financial future in their hands.  I never let myself get comfortable in jobs and I also believe that’s part of the reason that I’m a consultant as it means I am jumping from project to project all the time.  However, my guides have been very clear that I need to commit.  I need to quit analyzing and finding fault and commit to my job.  The funny thing is that the job I’m in right now was CREATED FOR ME.  No one else has ever held this job and it was created because the company believed that I had skills they needed.  When I take a step back, I realize they have committed to me and it’s me who is having commitment issues.  I’ve decided to commit to my job and when I start to get antsy, I take a step back and recommit.  The interesting thing is that when I allow myself to do that, I am able to see all the good things at work and to see how valued I am.

My guides have also told me I need to commit to one tarot deck for a while instead of dating a whole bunch of different decks.  One of my key spiritual practices for the past four years has been pulling a card a day from a tarot deck.  I’ve done one deck for a month, then switched to a different deck.  It has really helped me to learn tarot and learn the nuances of the deck.  However, my guides have said that the time for dating is over and it’s time for me to commit.  The question they asked me is how I could expect a person to commit to me if I wasn’t able to commit?  It’s a fair question and my first defensive response was to say that I am committed to my family and my dogs.  They’re telling me that that is not enough so I will be working with the World Spirit Tarot for the foreseeable future.

Committing to my job and to the World Spirit Tarot are part of the bigger commitment to myself.  I need to take myself seriously and learn to open my heart and follow my dreams.  That’s tough as I’ve spent most of my life being committed to other people and now I’m realizing that in committing to other people I let go of myself.  I need to find my way back to balance and the ability to commit to myself and other people instead of taking care of others at the expense of myself.  That’s hard because I have a tendency to say yes to everyone, but I’m learning that it is okay to say no and that it is also okay to ask for help.  I’m also learning to put my own hopes and dreams first and that’s hard sometimes.  I enrolled in a Masters program in January and there are times when I am tempted to not do my homework because someone else needs me, but when I feel tempted I remind myself of how much I’m paying for the class and that helps.

Committing to my health and taking time to rest and recuperate is also a big part of my new found commitment to myself.  I was raised, like I’m sure a lot of you were, with the mandate that sleeping in meant you were lazy, that relaxing instead of doing something was lazy, etc, etc.  However, I’ve learned that there is serious value in being “lazy” because it allows us to recharge our batteries.  One of the best decisions I ever made was to buy a personal laptop and stop using my work laptop for everything.  I even travel with my personal laptop and that means when I turn off the work laptop, I’m done with work.  No more watching TV and checking email.  When I’m done with work, the work laptop goes off and I’m done.  I’m also committing to going to bed at a reasonable hour and not working all night.

January 15, 2022  Revisit

I did end up leaving itelligence a year after I wrote this, but I had good reasons and one of them was about committing to myself.  It is really hard to have a life when I am traveling every week and I realized that committing to myself and committing to Cleveland meant being available and not living my life in two places.  Additionally, with the pandemic I was afraid that I would be let go.  There is a big part of me that misses consulting, but I needed to commit to Cleveland and my life.

However, I also realized that it is okay to have multiple decks and not to commit to one.  The commitment is to tarot as a whole.  I think I need to look at my various tarot decks as meals and not as a relationship. The relationship is with tarot and not the decks.

April 12, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Resting, waiting, taking care of myself, respite

Book:  Rest from battle

Guidance: Take the time your body needs

Journaling

I needed to pull this card as I’ve been pushing myself way too hard and I need the reminder to rest.  I sometimes think I can push and push and push myself, but it doesn’t work.  I just end up exhausted and then the universe steps in with messages to slow down.  I also know that working myself too hard isn’t productive either as what I produce ends up being garbage.

April 14, 2018

I heeded the four of swords guidance the last few days.  On Thursday, I visited the Redwoods after work and it was amazing to be there and feel the energy of these amazing trees.  Yesterday, I took off at 2 and drove the 17 mile drive.  It was incredibly beautiful.  The surf was so wild and it felt calming and refreshing all at the same time.  The sound of the see hitting the rocks is so meditative and restful.

December 29, 2018

Working yourself into the ground is one of the lessons that I learned from my Daddy.  He worked seven days a week to provide for us, but he still worked hard to make sure we had a relationship.  However, when I step back and look at things objectively, I see that there was a lot of ego involved in his choosing to work seven days a week.  Once Tony and  were older, he could have encouraged my mom to get a job, but instead he lived by the creed that it was the man’s job to support his family and the woman’s job to take care of the house.  If he would have let go of his pride, we all could have had more balance in our lives.

I’ve learned that it does not behoove anyone to work myself into the ground to support the kids.  I make enough and I am also working to start encouraging the to pay for bills around the house.  I don’t always pay them back if they pick up groceries because I think they need to learn to be responsible.

January 4, 2017

Deck:  Robin Wood Tarot

Impressions:   I love this card with the knight lying outside instead of in a cold room.  I can feel the knight laying there in the warmth of the sun just relaxing.  The four of swords is about relaxing and taking a break.

Book:  Peace and quiet, repair the psyche, need for release from stress, meditation

Guidance:  Take time for yourself, regroup, take care of yourself

Journaling

This card has a twofold meaning for me.  It is about resting and recuperating, but it is also about putting my swords down and not fighting everyone else’s battles.  My kids don’t need me to always be Mama Bear anymore.  Cam did a great job of handling a difficult situation and my jumping in would not have added anything to the situation.

It is the same at work, I need to step back and let people fight their own battles.  It is belittling to people when I fight their battles as it makes it seem as if they are not strong and capable.

January 4, 2018

Wow!  What a great reminder and ties in to a lot of realizations that I’m having lately.  I’m realizing that the kids are grownups and while I like to eat with them, they are capable of cooking their own food and they are capable of taking care of themselves.  I don’t need to always put gas in the cars for them as they drive the cars, so they need to take ownership.  Sometimes it is hard for me to step back because some things are easy for me and a little more difficult for them, but if I don’t step back, they will never grow up.

I’m also realizing that it is okay to put my sword down and choose not to fight someone’s battles or help them even if they ask.  Yesterday morning, I got hit with these heavy waves of fear and melancholy.  I was afraid of losing my job, afraid of being homeless, etc.  It made no sense as overall I’ve been in a good place lately.   I worked hard to shed the nasties, but nothing was working.  I finally did a tarot spell to let go of burdens and as I did the spell, I realized that I was shedding other people’s expectations of me and I realized the nasties invading my serenity were coming from my ex-husband.

We’ve been divorced for six years and separated for almost eight, but karmic links are hard to break and we’d been together for 22 years in this lifetime and for countless lifetimes before that.  When he is in intense emotional anguish, I feel it due to those karmic ties and I realized I was picking up on his fears.  He left a job he’d had for 10 years last year due to severe depression and anxiety, broke up with his girlfriend of two years, and is currently unemployed.  On top of this he has major medical issues and will be losing his health insurance at the end of June.  If I was in his shoes, I’d be pretty scared.

Last night before I fell asleep, I put up my shields and let it be known to the universe that I was not taking on his burdens.  His choice to walk away meant I no longer had any responsibility for his happiness, his security, or anything else.  Maintaining that boundary is hard for me as I try to be compassionate, but I can’t take on his problems anymore.  He needs to be responsible for his own life.

———————————————————————————————————————–

October 13, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Rest, Recuperate

Book:  repair the psyche, tie of rest, need to recover one’s strength, hungry for quiet, restoring to normalcy

Guidance:  Step back, rest

Journaling

Interesting that I pulled this card just as I decided that I was going to work from home next week.  I do need a break from Chicago and all that is going on.  The bottle spell (releasing) was huge for me.  I have to be honest and say that i was really sad and wondering if I did the right thing at first, but now I know it was the right thing to do.  I feel so much freer.  It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

May 24, 2018

I had forgotten all about that spell to release my feelings and let fate take its course.  Looking back, I realize that was the beginning of letting go and not letting myself be so obsessed by my feelings for one person.  It took courage to let go and it takes courage every time I make a decision to not go to Chicago and to not turn to him for support.  However, as my relationship with X has gotten looser and not so obsessive, my relationship with S. has become nonexistent.  I have the feeling that the only thing truly holding me to S. was my obsession to X as I was desperate for guidance and advice.

In some ways, it makes me really sad, but in other ways I know that it is for the best and that it is really time for me to let go.  My relationship with S was always kind of weird because he could be so controlling some times and so convinced that his way was the right way.  I thought we had worked through all of that and were in a good place, but now I’m not so sure.  Sometimes it feels as if he just wanted me to be a client and not be a friend.

The only thing I can really do is send him love and light and let go.

————————————————————————————————————————-

September 23, 2016

Four of Swords Hanson Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  The knight is lying on a marble table with his sword at his side.  There are three swords hanging on the wall, but they do not pose a threat as they are not hanging directly over our knight.  Reversed this card is telling me that it is time to get  up and about.

Book:  Period of isolation ends, emerging successfully from a period of difficulties, extreme exhaustion, spiritual faith, having faith

Guidance:  Have faith, take time to recharge, you do not have to do it all at once

December 23, 2017

Another day when I didn’t journal.  I’m not sure what was going on last September that I didn’t make time to actually journal about the cards.  Maybe I was so caught up in all the drama about Gateway that I didn’t want to journal about it because I was afraid of what the cards would say.

To me this card is telling me that it is time to get my butt out of bed and start moving forward with my life.  And I’ve done a lot to move forward in the past year.  I have a new job, I’ve been deliberately staying away from Chicago as I don’t want to get sucked into old behavior patterns.

————————————————————————————————————————–

April 21, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card:  Four of swords, pulled reversed, 

First Impressions:  Time for rest is over

Book: Time to be calm and rest, time to seek guidance, time out message enforced, surrender to events

Guidance:  Strive to be grounded, look to your inner reality, comes to terms with change

Affirmation:  I am grounded

Journaling

There are different interpretations of this card.  I choose to believe it is telling me that it is time to get up and go back into the world.  However, after the day I had, I’m not so sure.  I’ve been hit with this bone numbing exhaustion lately.  I just get so tired that I can barely keep my head up.  Work has been ramping up big time and it’s easy to focus on work to the exclusion of everything else.

April 22, 2016 Revisit

Let go!  Trust!

January 15, 2022 Revisit

What I have learned since this original pull is that I have severe allergies and the house makes me tired.  The more time I spend at home, the more tired I get.  The air filters don’t help and with three of us and the two dogs, it gets messy and I get sick.  My diabetes is also out of control, but I do think that the meds are helping.

 July 8, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Revolution

First Impressions:  I love this card.  She is so bold and forward thinking and I love how the building and the flag are overlaid.  This card truly speaks to burning shit down to make change.

Book:  See Below

Guidance:   See Below

Journaling:

Living in a country that was born of revolution makes our current times seem weird.  On the one hand, we believe in and celebrate our founders who forged this country in blood and bullets, but on the other we are taught to accept the rule of law and that our country has put in process to make sure revolution isn’t necessary.  I abhor what the Jan 6 rioters did because they were acting on lies.  However, there is a part of me that can understand being so angry that you do not see another course of action.  The illegitimate SCOTUS is tearing down everything this country was built on and taking away people’s rights and there is a part of me that believes they need to be paraded in the streets and tarred and feathered for their actions.  And after the assholes took away a woman’s right to a private medical decision, they are demanding their privacy.  How hypocritical!

There is a part of me that just wants to go away and live somewhere where I don’t have to interact with anyone and can pretend all this bullshit isn’t happening.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home with the doggos.  I should have had summer Fridays, but I had a meeting with Modesto at 4 pm.  I about broke down in the grocery store today as I’m so upset about all the crap going on in the world.

Weather:  It isn’t horrible out today.  Cam said it was super humid, but it didn’t feel that bad out when I went out a bit ago

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 65%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:58/9:03

————————————————————————————————————————–

 June 14, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Revolution

First Impressions:  Fighting with everything you have, women’s march, doing what you can for what you want

Book:  Disruption, evolution, start anew, dismantle, transformation

Guidance:   Dismantle systems that are not working

Journaling:

Dismantling systems that aren’t working is always good advice, but the problem is that the people who are in power are fighting back against dismantling those systems.  There is so much systematic racism in this country and systematic misogyny, I don’t even know how to begin to dismantle it.  The problem is that for individual women or people of color, it is advantageous to go along with the discrimination and “be one of the boys” as that will improve an individual’s position.  However, the truth of the matter is that a person who is different can never be one of the boys.  They will tolerate you and they will use you, but they will never truly consider you an equal.   That is the sad truth of the matter.  

I know that women are always treated differently because we are “too emotional” or “too something.”  I also know that women have to prove they can do a job before they get it and work for less or do the job with a lesser title, but men are given opportunities because they have potential.  I wish I knew how to change the world and to make things better for everyone else, but I don’t.  I will be honest and say that there is a big part of me that just wants to walk away and take care of me and  mine.  I think I’m just too tired for revolution.

Where I’m at:  I’m at home today and the weather isn’t bad so I’m spending time hanging out outside with the doggos.  It was a full strawberry moon today, but it was overcast so we couldn’t see it

Weather:  It was actually nice today.  The weather really awesome for hanging out side with the dogs

Moon Phase:  Full Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:02

————————————————————————————————————————-

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  I really like this card because it shows not only the tower falling, but also fire and a flood.  To me this card represents “when it rains, it pours” and the fact that it often seems like all the bad stuff happens at once.

Book: Upheaval, adversity, ego death, chaos, fall from grace 

Guidance:  the screw turns regardless, jump or fall

Journaling:

This is an interesting card and meaning.  On first glance, I am reminded that some times semi-bad things happen so that worse things do not.  I’ve always known that when weird travel snafus happen I need to pay attention to the because I could be being forced to take a different path so that worse things (like an accident) don’t happen.  I have no clue why my travel was so screwed up, but I have learned to never push too hard when things go wrong.

However, as I read this, I am struck by the phrase ego death.  I have been working with my ego a lot lately and working to let go of how my ego keeps me trapped.  I’m not sure what the solution is and there is a part of me that feels like ego is not a bad thing as it helps me to realize that i do deserve things and I do deserve to be loved.

Where: I’m in Trenton, MO.  Today was an interesting day as I was planning to fly out of Cleveland, but then my flight was delayed and there wasn’t enough time to get from gate to gate in Detroit so I just drove to Detroit and left from there.

Weather:  My drive to Detroit was horrendous as I hit rain and hail.  However, once I got to MO, it was pretty clear.

Moon Phase:  Waning, Gibbous 90%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:28 am / 7:58 pm

—————————————————————————————————————————-

March 15, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Homeless, destruction, not understanding what is happening

Book:  Change thrust upon you, rug pulled out from under you, beliefs challenged, shift in the matrix, chaos of change

Guidance:   Trust that you will be held

Journaling:

Trust in the universe and in the divine is difficult right now as I watch the images playing out on the screen of people who were going about their everyday lives and got bombed.  There are days when I think nothing is going to work out and that life is a huge stinking pile of shit.  There are days it feels so meaningless and as if nothing that I do will make a difference.  However, then I see a kindness play out and I am reminded that there is good in this world.  And that good keeps me getting up in the morning and remembering that there are people who do good work and there are people who care.

Where I’m At: I’m at home and just about ready to go to bed.  My head is throbbing as it has been for about the last week.  I don’t know what’s going on, but I am really struggling lately.  I manage to make it through work, then my head just pounds.

Weather:  It was about 50 today and while it was a little overcast, it was not a bad day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 85%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:40 am / 7: 32 pm

————————————————————————————————————————- January 2, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Falling, Rapunzal, Brambles

Book:  Massive change, upheaval, 

Guidance:  Beliefs are shattered and understandings are ruptured

Journaling:

NO NO NO.  I do not need any more upheaval in my life.  The last two years have been hell and I don’t need any more change.  The past two years have truly been hell and I don’t want the foundation knocked out from under me again.  That is my gut reaction to pulling this card, however I also know that good things can come out of having your beliefs shattered as it can lead to a whole new life.

One of the beliefs that I’m pondering right now is whether or not a “real job” is required to survive in the world.  I was brought up to believe that in order to survive you needed to anchor your fortune to that of a company, but I’m starting to wonder if that is the truth or just a lie that the patriarchy tells us to control us.

Something else I am contemplating as I read this card is whether or not the tower card is really about the sudden and clear clarity that comes as a flash of light.  The clarity that comes when there is nothing hidden and you can see for miles.  

———————————————————————————————————————–

September 11, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Falling, grief, collapse

Book:  Something new can be built, change will bring release from habitual patterns that no longer serve us

Guidance:  Old structures fall down bringing release from old patterns

Journaling

I chose the tower today because it is the day that the towers fell and 18 years after that event, I’m realizing that the falling of the towers was not just a terrorist attack on the United States, I’m also realizing that in some ways the falling of the towers represented the fall of the patriarchy, the fall of our hubris, the release of our arrogance.  America has always been a place that prides itself on its openness and acceptance and while the towers falling brought out some of the best of humanity, it also brought out some of the worst.  We had Sikhs and Muslims attacked because people could not separate the fact from the fantasy and could not accept that people other than Christians could be peace loving.

Trump represents the worst of us and I believe he is deepening the tower times as his policies are harming so many people.  However, I believe that ultimately the message of the tower will be reinforced and there will be something else we are able to build on the ashes of what we have now.  There is so much ugliness and pain, but I think that exposing the layers of ugliness will help us clean out the old and the nasty and create a new world.

Never Forget!

Gratitudes

I’m grateful people still remember 09/11

I’m grateful for the beautiful day

I’m grateful for the pizza

I’m grateful for getting to go home a day early

I’m grateful for the beautiful Chicago skyline

I’m grateful for driving down LSD in a little red convertible

I’m grateful for a hug from Scott

—————————————————————————————————————-

May 23, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Change forced up on us, dramatic change

Book:  Having our self delusion torn away, release from a stagnant condition,

Guidance:  If you haven’t learned the hard way, chances are that something major needs to shift, be prepared for guidance from unexpected sources

Journaling

Sometimes when we do not have the courage to take a leap of faith out of a bad situation as the Fool asks us to do, the world crumbles around us and we are left in a pile of rubble that has us questioning the meaning of our life.  For me this happened when my now ex-husband announced four months after a life altering heart attack that he was moving out.  I was devastated because I had spent 22 years twisting myself into knots to be the person he wanted me to be.  I felt as if my security was ripped of its foundations and I was left floundering.  I was no longer a wife and it felt as if all of my worth had been taken from me.

Fast forward nine years and I’m truly happier than I’ve every been in my life as I own my own beautiful home, my two kids live with me, I have an interesting and challenging dog, I have two pit bulls playing and bringing me joy, and I’m comfortable in my own skin.  I’m not trying to fit myself into someone else’s idea of who I should be.  As I look back on my marriage, I realize that it was an angry and hateful place to be and not a place of love and support.  My ex-husband’s undiagnosed mental health issues meant that he was incapable of being loving and supporting.  I didn’t realize exactly how on edge and stressed I was for most of my marriage and the first few years after my divorce, it felt uncomfortable to be peaceful and not have that stress in my world.  However, I’ve become acclimated and I’ve learned that peace is a wonderful place to be.

As I reflected on this card yesterday, the twin towers came up over and over and over.  I’d catch snippets on the tv about the twin towers, two of my assignments for class talked about the twin towers, and those images played over and over on the tv and in my head.  It made me think about whether there was a greater cosmic meaning to the towers than a single act of hate.  I’ve realized they were about shaking us out of our complacency and forcing us to confront the ugliness and hate in our world. 

Deck:  RWS Tarot

First Impressions:  Dramatic change, the world tumbling down

Book:  All around is destruction, ignorance and stupidity produce man’s greatest ills, change, conflict

Guidance:  If it has to be destroyed, be rid of it, don’t be selfish, listen to wisdom and reason, can mean a change

Journaling

I always have mixed feelings about the tower card.  It means change of the sudden and dramatic type.  I’m not ready to have my life shaken up, but then I guess no one is ever ready for that kind of shakeup.  I do know that I’m not happy right now and I’m feeling lonely and at loose ends.  I’m not positive how to resolve that, but maybe being in California for two weeks will be good for me.  I’m sad about giving up my poetry reading, but I also didn’t want to do the trip home with the horrendous commute.  I guess I just need to be open to what is and open my heart.

December 29, 2018 Update

There are so many amazing things about pulling tarot cards on a consistent basis and about going back and actually reading through and reflecting on what I’ve written.  For me, it is amazing to see that my highs and lows are evening out.  As I do my tarot on a regular basis, I am starting to realize that there are always highs and lows and that the day starting out poorly does not mean that it will end poorly.  I have way more control about how the day ends than I think I do.  I have been working really hard to step back and put my life into perspective instead of just letting myself freak out over everything.  Taking the time to do that really and truly helps.

—————————————————————————————————————————

November 13, 2016

Note:  Card was pulled reversed

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Maintaining old ways, more subtle loss

Book:  Tower as worldview, oppression and cataclysm, relying on false impressions, misrepresentation by others, the seeker will succeed, too much openness, can be damage

Guidance:  Let the truth be illuminated, seeing the delusions in the ruins

Journaling:

I don’t how to read this card.  The cynical part of me reads it as shattering of illusions and of course i take that to mean letting go of X.  It’s really easy for me to get down on myself and ask why anyone would want to be with me anyway.  It’s really easy to feel hopeless today.  I’m in a flipping hotel room alone.  I’ve also started to admit to myself that i really don’t want friends, I want love.

July 6, 2019 Review

Hindsight is always 20/20 and in hindsight I know that I never wanted friends and always wanted love.  That’s because I didn’t believe that I was strong enough, smart enough, or anything enough to be by myself.  I needed someone to make me whole, but I’ve learned that I don’t need anyone to make me whole.  I am a complete person all by myself.  I’m at the point now where I want someone to date and to go out and hangout with.  I’m not really sure I want anything more serious than that because I kind of like being my own person.  I like being able to paint my bathroom pink, then change my mind and decide I want it gray.  I like being able to decide I’m going to North Carolina for a convention without having to ask anyone.  I do have to coordinate around the dogs, but I don’t have to deal with someone being emo because I’m doing something for myself.

The delusion was that I needed him or that I wasn’t whole and complete onto myself.  I am whole and complete unto myself and while I like having other people in my life and there are times I need other people to help me, but don’t need to be dependent on anyone.  I think I’m learning the difference between interdependence and dependence and co-dependence.  Interdependence means I need and rely on other people for things and I take their needs into account, but I don’t always make their needs secondary to mine.  I weight their needs and mine and make a conscious decision and that is significantly different thank making someone else more important than me.

———————————————————————————————————————

May 15, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Lightening, pulled reversed

First impressions:  There are changes coming in my life, but they are not of central and painful changes.  

Book:  Fears and avoidance may be postponing a needed change or upheaval.  Attempting to control outcomes is not productive.  Use this as an opportunity to deepen my courage.

Journaling

I need to let go of x.  I need to accept that we are not meant to be together right now and move on.  I’ve moved on in so many ways but I haven’t given up hope.  I still hope we will end up together and I need to let go of these expectations.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

Okay, I’m pretty tired of reading over and over and over that I need to let go of X.  The truth of the matter is that I am finally pretty much over him.  I think the thing that is striking for me is that I’m tired of always being the one to reach out.  I get that I moved and that I come back to Chicago, but he doesn’t come to Cleveland, but he never texts unless I text first and I’m really tired of it.  I want friends and maybe a potential partner that reaches out to me.  I need a relationship of equals and if one person is always doing the reaching out, that’s not a relationship of equals.  Especially because I got so tired of hearing him bitch about other people no longer reaching out to him, but he never reached out to them.  

Relationships are two way streets and if someone isn’t reaching out and making an effort to be your friend, then it might be time to mvoe on.  I know there are times when it makes sense to reach out to people and to be there for them, but in the normal course of relationships they should be 50/50 and this one isn’t.  I’m realizing that I deserve better than this and that I matter.  If someone wants to be my friend, they need to meet me half way.

 July 6, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card and I love the birch trees behind her, the beautiful wolf, and the moon.  However, her face is weird and puckered and I’m not sure what to make of that

Book:  Intuition, shadow, integration, subconscious, duality, reflection

Guidance:   Work through the muck to decipher your own language with the universe

Journaling:

I love the thought of working through the muck and I’ve been doing a lot of that lately as I have to figure out why the Evil M bothers me so much.  What I’m realizing is that she is a good manager (micro manager), but she is not a good leader.  She doesn’t inspire people and she doesn’t help people be their best selves.  She makes people feel like an idiot because of her micromanaging.  What she doesn’t realize is that that is not the way to manage high performers.  That’s the way to manage people who are early in their career.  At the end of the day, she isn’t really a threat to me because high performers will quit if they have to work for her.

The other piece of working through the muck is figuring out what I want to do.  I’m actually really enjoying mentoring people and helping them get better.  It’s hard, but it is so rewarding to see people figure things out and take something and run with it.  It takes me back to when I was in German and I saw Kai walking through SAP with his team and he did it perfectly.  That was one of the most awesome moments of my life.  I love that feeling and I want it again and again and again.  I’m going to apply for the job at Tri-C and we’ll see where life goes from there.

Where I’m At:  I had to into the office today and there were actually a whole lot of people there and I had to park in the back.  Apparently people are taking this into the office crap seriously.  I have 10 months until I am vested and get my retirement contribution so I’m going to stick it out.  In the meantime, I’m going to do some serious job magick

Weather:  It was okay out today.  It was a little warm, but not horrible.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 44%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:57/ 9:04

————————————————————————————————————————

February 24, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional depths, mermaid, opposites, watery emotions

Book:  Trusting your intuition, facing your fears, perception, dreams, visions, spiritual experience

Guidance:   Quit struggling and trust your intuition

Journaling:

The message to quit struggling and to trust my intuition is spot on today.  I think I spend so much time wallowing in my misery and thinking about how horrible everything is, that I waste my energy.  If I just did the damn work and didn’t think about how much I hated my job, life would be so much better.  My work is not inherently horrible.  I just get bored.  My work is also about lessons of the ego for me.  I get so caught up in what people think of me that it is ridiculous.  There are days I feel like if people aren’t telling me that I’m wonderful then I will don’t exist.  That’s scary for me because that is where I was when I was with John.  I thought I had grown past that, but it feels like I am right back there.  I need to let go of all of that.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home sitting on the couch with my feet up on my new ottoman.  Emotionally, I’m in a good space, but physically I am exhausted and my stomach is hurting a lot.  I’m hoping it is just a stomach bug.  Clark is sitting on the other ottoman and Wendy is upstairs with her sister.

Weather:   It’s 28 degrees, but it is getting ready to rain / snow and the roads are supposed to be nasty tomorrow.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 44%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:08 am/ 6:11 pm

————————————————————————————————————————–

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

Impressions:  Seeing what is below the surface, reaching for the mystery

Book:  Portal into initiation, searching for answers

Guidance:  Dive deep into our emotions to find our way through the dark night of the soul

Journaling

Driving from Cleveland to Chicago was an interesting trip this time as  I am starting to uncover the depths of my father’s complicity into my lack of self confidence and the wounds of my soul.  I’ve always blamed my mother for acting as if my life was supposed to be all about everyone else and for not supporting me, but as I come closer and closer to getting the director title, I am starting to realize that my father was not innocent in my wounding.  As I look back at my childhood, I realize that I can no longer see my mother as the monster and my father as the saint.  I also realize that I have to take my feelings out of the equation and see my father as the flawed human being that he was instead of seeing him as my adored father.  I have to see him as the instrument of the patriarchy that he was.

My father, who I know loved and adored me, injured me deeply.  When I look beyond the words he said to me, I see the pattern of misogyny that “put women in their place” which in his mind was the home.  My father was always loving and kind, but when I look at things through adult eyes instead of a child’s eyes, I see that my mother working menial jobs outside of the home instead of having a true career were the result of my father’s beliefs that men should support their families while women took care of them.  I know she had wanted to be a nurse, but that dream died because of his mandate.  At the time, I believed she gave up her dreams willingly for our family, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m also beginning to remember bits and pieces of conversations that happened after I’d gone to bed, conversations about radical feminists and how wrong they were.  I remember the snippets about them wanting to be men and abandoning their role.  Of course, looking back at overheard conversations from 50 years ago, it’s possible I confused the word’s my father said with the word’s I heard on TV.  However, what I can’t confuse is the fact that he did not believe in women’s equality.  He did not believe that women should hold positions of power or be in positions to influence others.  He would not even attend a church with a woman pastor because he believed there was a biblical prohibition against a woman leading men.

I’m angry as I write this and think about the years that I was robbed of reaching my full potential because I bought into my father’s sanctimonious misogynistic bullshit.  However, I also realize that now that I am aware of the situation it is my responsibility to rectify it.  It is my responsibility to do the ritual to let go of the past and to do the work to move forward.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Intuition, dark of the night, constrictive

Book:  Speaking in signs and symbols,

Guidance:  Prepare to leave the familiar, accept the power of your imagination

Journaling

This was one of the strangest days I’ve had in a long time.  I was running late

for work and it was pouring down rain so I was frustrated, but then when I got to the car I saw a little shell creature on the ground.  I thought it was dead, but then it started moving around.  I tried to rescue it so that it was out of the path of the cars, but I was a little afraid to pick it up.  I finally got it to a little bit safer place and left to go to work, but the little critter kept nagging at me as I know enough to know that when  weird creature shows up, there is some mystical meaning.

The words that kept coming up in my search for the meaning of the shell creature were coming out of your shell and shedding old beliefs and old ways of doing things.  It was also about intuition and going within.  As I meditated on that, I realized that I had fell back into some old and bad behaviors in dealing with other people.  I was doing a lot of othering and complaining about people.  I was labeling them as bad instead of their behavior as bad.  That’s a behavior I definitely need to grow out of.  The other realization I had was that I needed to climb out of my shell and be open and vulnerable.  I’ve been doing a lot of work to move in this direction, but there is still more work to be done.

After much drama, my flight ended up getting cancelled and I decided to drive.  Scott ended up texting me and when I shared the picture of my little shell buddy, he immediately realized it was the crustacean from the moon card and reminded me that the moon was about trusting my intuition and being open.  All of this gave me a lot to ponder on my drive home and as it got dark and a beautiful orange almost full moon came up, I realized that they were tapping me on my shoulder and reminding me that there is magic and mystery in this world.

07/20/2019 Update

Interestingly enough as I talked to my daughter about this weird turn of events and the magical and oddly unexpected shell creature, she reminded me that the lobster/crayfish was about outgrowing your shell and about it being time to move on.  There is so much to digest here and I’m not 100 percent sure what it all means, but I will continue to reflect and ask for guidance.

June 6, 2019

Deck: World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Mystery, darkness, trail into the night

Book:  Guardian of night, soul, unconscious mind, foreign and bewildering

Guidance:  Peer into your shadows and look into your fears

Journaling

I became comfortable with the moon and with the darkness in the first few years after my divorce.  The moon and the darkness gave me comfort and let me nurture my soul without being exposed to the harsh rays of the sun.  The moon softens the rough edges and wraps us in her mystery.  I found so much comfort in the darkness as I felt that I could examine my soul without the judgement of other people.  One of the biggest lessons I learned in going into the darkness was how much the harsh scrutiny and judgement of other people really heart me.  I found that I was living my life for other people instead of myself.  However, when I went into the darkness, the goddess took care of me and she nurtured me and loved me.  

I think many people are afraid of the moon and the darkness because it is a time of introspection and sometimes it is really hard to look at our flaws and the sunlight lets us avoid the dark places in our souls.  There are so many shiny distractions in the sun and the world seems wide open and as if we can go anywhere, but when we are surrounded by darkness it is hard to avoid ourselves.

The other lesson I learned from going into the darkness is that I also need the light.  I need the sun to warm up my soul and make me realize I am loved.  I’ve been spending time alternating between the sun and the moon lately and I find that really helps me to stay in balance.

————————————————————————————————————————

March 29, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Darkness, howling, intuition, lunacy

Book:  Moon is the light in the darkness, Fearing what we do not understand, Primal need guides us on our journey

Guidance:  Listen to your dreams, allow the moon to caress you

Journaling

The moon can be about peace or lunacy.  The moon can also be a time of great healing.  I feel as if my soul is healing today as I let go of all the things that are holding me back.  I really need to work sometimes to stay in touch with myself and to let go of everything that brings me down.  One of the things I really need to let go of is perceptions.  I have perceptions about what other people think and how other people perceive me.  That’s where the illusions come in.  I assume people think  poorly of me or are judging me when that is rarely the case.  People usually have either a positive or neutral impression of me, but my own self loathing gets in the way and I project my feelings about myself. 

I need to stop doing that.  I also need to just stop worrying about what other people think of me.  At the end of the day, I need to just STOP.  I need to let go of that because I cannot control what other people think of me.  The only person I can control is me.

December 25, 2018

One of the most important lessons I have learned this year is that I need both my brain and my heart.  My heart and intuition is great, but sometimes I delve into paranoia and that is not healthy for me.  Sometimes my paranoia feels like intuition and when that happens I am in trouble.  I’ve learned that the trick for me is to step back and ask myself whether it makes logical sense and if it is negative.  It’s taken me a while, but I am learning to differentiate between intuition and paranoia.  I’ve found that it is usually paranoia if I’m telling myself that everyone is against me.

————————————————————————————————————————–

December 31, 2017

Moon Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Initially, I really did not like this card because it looked like a worm on a wheel, however, the more I studied the more I came to appreciate the artwork and to see the card for what it is.

Book:  In the realm of the soul, the moon is your guide, shape shifting, embracing duality, virgin onto herself, wheel of time, souls finding mercy

Guidance:  Reenactment of an old story is at hand, look for a reinterpretation, change comes over time, attune yourself to your rhythms, set your imagination free, get more sleep

Journaling:

What an amazing card today to pull today on the last day of the year and when there is going to be a super moon tomorrow.  I love the thought of doing the soul’s work. I can feel the change afoot in the new year and know that there are amazing things on the horizon.  I can feel the magick in the air.

January 11, 2018

Wow!  This card was incredibly prophetic.  The reenactment of an old story is at hand and I am working hard to respond a different way.  Work is a little weird right now as we just went through a reorganization and I have a new boss, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable.  I also heard that for some joint project we reached out to Jessica about OCM, which also makes me wonder what is going on.   However, there is nothing I can do about any of that.

My initial reaction is to run.  It’s to say, this isn’t going to work out it is time for me to walk away, but they are telling me very clearly to stay and that it will work out.  It goes against all of my instincts, but I am choose to stay and see how it plays out.

The other interesting tidbit of guidance is the reminder to get enough sleep. I’ve learned this week that when I have enough sleep,  I am much more effective at dealing with stressors and weird situations.  When I don’t get enough sleep, I struggle.
————————————————————————————————————————–

November 11, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Intuition

Book:  Beautiful, inspiring orb, releasing carnal instincts.  Moon Goddess shows us our best dreams and worst nightmares

Guidance:  Pay attention to your dreams and intuition, face your fears, attend to your soul

Journaling:

I like this card because it tells me to listen to what my soul is saying, but to not get led off course by my nightmares.  My intuition is telling me that my daughter will be okay and she will be stronger because of it.  I have to let go and quit smothering her.  She is strong and capable and I need to trust that her meds are working and she is going to be okay.  She is telling me they are going to be okay and I need to listen to them.

November 20, 2017

So far she is doing okay.  Getting Clark has helped tremendously.

October 27, 2018

My daughter is actually doing very well.  She has some anxiety and is nervous about what’s going to happen with court, but she is doing much better than I think I would have been doing.  Clark has truly helped her more than anything else I could have thought of.  She dotes on that dog and he is her little shadow.  I’m so glad that she has him and that he is there for her no matter what.  I knew that getting a dog would help, because Luke is what really saved my life after my divorce.

—————————————————————————————————————————

September 1, 2017

Moon Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  I didn’t like this card the first time I saw it as it felt like there was a snake or worm encircling the moon.  However, the more I’ve meditated on it and spent time with it, I’m more appreciative of the beauty of the card.  It shows Adrianhod weaving the moon.  I like that her silver wheel is the Wheel of Time, but of the seasons and reincarnation.  My first impressions of this card are it is a time for intuition, but also the possibility of being disillusioned.

Book:  Weaver creating destiny, guide in the realm of the soul, shapeshifter, manifesting destiny

Guide:  Let change unfold, look for meanings and guidance, let your imagination journey

Journaling:  

Cairn Bell Tower in Sedona, AZ

I needed to hear this guidance about letting things manifest differently than desired.  I need to trust deity and I do’t do a good job with trust.  I think I am such an absolute control freak because I don’t trust anyone.  I need to go back and listen to the lessons of the cairns that they provided in Arizona.  I need to see the first cairn, walk to it, then walk to the next cairn.  I do not need to be shown the whole path at once.

December 18, 2017

I’m realizing that one of the reasons tarot appeals to me is that it appeals to both my logic and my intuition.

————————————————————————————————————————–

November 28, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  The Moon Reversed

Keywords:  Logic

Book: Suppressing or denying intuition, avoiding the unknown, avoiding fears

Guidance:  Don’t let your emotions get the better of you, be aware of a false sense of security, attend to your soul, explore your dreams

 My biggest fear is not being loved and not having a special person in my life.  Unfortunately, I am still fixated on F and I don’t know if anyone else will do.  I still honestly don’t know if part of the reason I am attached to him is that he is unavailable.  Fixating on him lets me avoid one of my biggest fears which is having a relationship with someone and their leaving me.

Update 11/07/2017
It’s a year later and I still haven’t made any progress on the love front, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and really starting to accept who I am as enough.  I spent so much time listening to the bullshit of my parents and everyone else who said that in order to truly be someone I had to be with someone.  I’m realizing that that is not true and that I am an amazing person in and of myself.

I see so many people who jump into relationships after they’ve broken up with someone because they are so afraid of being by themselves and although there are days I really hate to be alone, I’m glad I’ve had this time to be myself and to work through my own junk.  There are days I’m lonely and really want to be with someone, but I’m also happy that I’m getting to know me.

—————————————————————————————————————————

September 18, 2016

The Moon Hanson Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  I love the woman in the moon who is reclining as if she is on a pillow.  I also like that there are towers instead of pillars or rocks.  I also like that the crab is at the forefront of the card.  For me, this card always speaks to intuition and the darkness.  What I really like about this card is that it makes the darkness welcoming instead of scary.

Book:  Psychic wakening.  Dreams.  The mystery at the center of existence  The realm of enchantment.  Risk.  Confusing dichotomy.

Guidance:  Trust your intuition.  Be brave.

Journaling

I’m taking the moon as a reminder to slowdown and let myself connect with intuition and the moon itself this weekend.  There is always something amazing about standing outside and gazing up at the moon.  When I am open to her energy, I feel her gentle  love flowing through me.  I know I have strong intuition, but sometimes it gets clogged by all the bullshit and worry.

December 22, 2017

It is amazing to read this today as I needed to be reminded to trust my intuition.  There was a shakeup at work and I’ve been a little freaked out by it, but my intuition is telling me to stay and to trust.  It is telling me that it is all going to work out all right for me in the long run.  It’s really hard for me to accept that I should stay because my fight or flight instinct is strong.  However, the message I am receiving so strongly is that I need to stay and that I will be taken care of.

 To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for July is:

Peace

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

Beginning of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

What does peace mean for me right now?

What do I need to learn about peace?

What do I need to do to bring peace into my life?

I need to let go of all my imaginative worst case scenarios.  I need to let go of thinking that if someone is good at something, I am not good at anything.  I need to stop catastrophizing and thinking of the absolute worst case scenario.  I am really bad at convincing myself that I am one step away from being homeless and on the streets with Wendy having to go back to the shelter because I can’t take care of her.  I need to accept that I have a good life and that there are no real indications that this good life is going to end any time soon.  Although I have been poor before, I have always figured out a way to make ends meet and take care of myself.  And there are no indications that will change.  Additionally, the kids and are are good at taking care of each other, so why should I expect that they would let me down in the future.

What benefits will I have bringing peace into my life?

The five of swords is definately a strange card to pull here as it is about anger, sadness, loss and having a falling out.  However, there is a raw honesty in this card as the man is putting his pain out there for all to see.  He isn’t hiding from his own misery and in reality he is in too much pain to put up his shields.  He is sad, lonely, and enduring his pain alone.  I remember feeling this way right after my divorce when I was so traumatized and in so much pain.  There was no energy to put up my shields.  Like the man in the image, I was humbled and to a certain extent humiliated, but I felt free of all the pretense.  All the anger and pain I had endured in my marriage was gone as couldn’t pretend everything was all right anymore.

There is a certain beauty in brutal honesty, in no longer maintaining a façade and pretending life is good when it clearly isn’t.  And yes, there is peace in that place of that place of honesty.