Author: Raine Shakti

August 28, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Flower of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love this image of the powerful queen eagle with the thunder coming from her talons.  She is strong and beautiful

Book:  Sit with honesty and get a clear sense of what is right.

Guidance:   The natural state of my mind is clarity.  I soar with the wings of my true heart

Journaling:

I love this card and the sense of clarity and beauty it offers.  The thunder bolts are lighting up the sky and illuminating what needs to be illuminated.  If I look at this job situation from a 30K view, there is no real reason for me to relocate.  I need to have a PA address for tax purposes and that’s really all.  I would never sue the company for falling down the stairs, etc. so there is no reason for that to matter.  And I will file taxes in PA so there is no reason for that to matter either.  Although on a micro level, it may matter.  In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t.

I love the sense of cutting through BS that this card gives me.

Where I’m At:  Sean and I drove over to Sharon to look at that house and were incredibly disappointed to find there was a huge lien on it for back taxes and there is no way that I could invest the money and make it work.  I’d have to invest 60K to make it work and the house would never be worth that.

Weather:  It was hot out today, but a beautiful warm and sunny day.  It was clear.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:47/ 8:07

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July 31, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  She is wide eyed and strong.  Her gaze isn’t steely, but she looks determined.  I get the impression that if called upon, she could defend what is hers

Book:  Widow, spiritual struggles

Guidance:   Take care of your own

Journaling:

This card is so beautiful and I pulled it in a spread not too long ago and the meaning is about someone that others go to for advice.  This is another indicator that I should go into coaching or another profession where I can help others and give them guidance.  At this point in my life, I’m not sure how to make that career switch.  However, I am thinking about teaching and that is a helping profession where I would be called upon to advise people.  I think I just need to continually put it out there and continually ask for guidance.

The thing about guidance is that when I make a concentrated effort to connect with my deities, the messages flow more freely. I have been working to make that connection by creating rituals for my deities and rituals to connect with my self.  I’m also thinking about purchasing a magick rosary to pray for my hearts desire.  I haven’t made a decision yet, but it’s on my mind.

Where I’m At:  I’m enjoying a quiet Sunday morning at home.  I got a good night’s sleep last night and although I wouldn’t say I am refreshed, I do have more energy than I normally do

Weather:  It’s actually a really nice day outside.  It is not extremely hot and it isn’t humid.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 7%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:18 / 8:46

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June 23, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Romani, Sword, Doing Battle, Butterflies, Transformation

Book:  Determination, perseverance, independence

Guidance:  No one is going to help you more than yourself

Journaling:

This is hard for me because I do believe that we need to take care and help ourselves, but I also believe that we need to be willing to ask for help.  There are a lot of times I wonder if my life would have been different if I had been honest about what was going on in my marriage instead of insisting that I was able to handle it all myself.  Asking for help should not be viewed as a sign of weakness, but as a sign of strength.

However, that being said, I don’t believe in bullshit chivalry.  I believe that we should do what we can to help ourselves, but that there are times when we need help from others, even if that help from others is in the form of guidance and advice.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today.  It’s Cam’s birthday and she is sad that Sean is working third shift and we can’t figure out a time to have dinner together as a family.  I understand completely why she is upset as he spent all that time with John, but doesn’t have time to spend with the people that actually love him and care for him.

Weather:  It’s in the 70s out and it feels good, except if you sit right in the sun

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 27%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:05

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May 5, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  the Morrigan, sovereignty, connected to the land, getting shit done

Book:  Devoted, power, truth, sincerity, strategy

Guidance:  Magical messengers speak simple truths

Journaling:

I love the message on this one because I tend to complicate the messages I receive and start making them way more complicated than they need to be.  I do need to get better at taking things at face value.  The other message I take away from this card is about the value of sincerity.  I spend a lot of time with people who are not sincere and who play games.  I’m tired of all the BS, the lies, and the garbage that happens at work.  I don’t know what the solution is, but dealing with all the drama is getting so tiresome.

Where:  I started the day in Chicago and ended it at home.  It was a good day as we got a lot of things done at work.  I also took an hour to hang out at the Garfield Park Conservatory.  It was beautiful to walk through the gardens.  I also took time to walk the labyrinth.  I also scored a window seat on the way home instead of the middle seat I had booked.

Weather:  It was raining a little bit today, but not too awful

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 19

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:38 / 7:55

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 April 15, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  The Morrigan, defending your territory, sovereignty

Book:  Devoted, power, truth, sincerity, strategy

Guidance:  Magical messengers speak simple truths

Journaling:

I need to think about sovereignty as I think I am giving my life away to the highest bidder.  I’ve become the wage slave that I’ve never wanted to be and it makes me sad.  I was always sad that my dad neve got to be the person that he wanted to be because he was busy supporting everyone else and now I’ve become that person.  I don’t know how to get out of this trap so that I can live a life that matters to me.  I don’t know how to break free of the money trap, but I am getting the message that I won’t be happy until I have escaped.

Where: I’m at home today and sitting on the couch with the doggos

Weather:  It is beautiful and sunny out and it finally feels like spring.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 98%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:45 am / 8:07 pm

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March 7, 2022 

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Contemplative, thinking about responsibilities 

Book:  Independent, wise counsel, communication, seeking truth, honesty

Guidance:   Tune out the low level drama

Journaling:

I love this card as she looks so strong and contemplative.  This is a reminder that women can lead and women can be strong. The other thing that is important about this card is that she is contemplating and taking time to go within to determine next steps.  Even though she is the queen of swords, she is not rushing into action.  I need to learn to do that, to just sit without having to rush in and save the day.  I hate wasting time and I hate things going awry so I always rush in to try to fix things, but sometimes I need to sit back and let people learn to fix their own stuff.

Where I’m At:  At home contemplating life and how my life can be so good and going so well while the world burns around us

Weather: It is rainy and cold outside

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:51 am / 6:24 pm

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Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Going into battle, shields up

Book:  Warrior for truth and justice, bravery

Guidance:  Make decisions with clarity and focus

Journaling

One of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30 years is that being a parent is truly being a warrior.  Cam is struggling right now with the trial coming up and although I’m struggling as well, I need to put my shields up and be strong for her.  I need to protect her and take care of her and be a warrior to make sure she gets treated fairly and she gets what she needs.  That isn’t easy because there is a part of me that wants to break down and cry with sadness over the situation and there is a part of me that wants to march into battle and take down whoever hurt my child.  I want to go all mama bear and slay any beast that hurts my child.  However, I cannot fully protect her from going to trial, she is going to have to stand up on that witness stand and speak her truth.  She is going to have to be brave and strong and stare down the person that did this to her.

And while I am happy to be her knight in shining armor and go into battle for her, there is a part of me that wishes I had someone standing in my corner who was willing and capable of being my knight in shining armor.  I wish that I had someone to rely on who was there to slay my dragons.  I know that I’m capable of slaying my own dragons, but there are days it would be really nice to have someone to slay them for me.  Sometimes I think that I have my shields up all the time and that I not only keep away the bad guys, I also keep away the people that I would like to have in my life.  I’m realizing that I don’t know how to put down my shields and be at peace.

I think I need to figure out how to do that.

November 5, 2016

Deck:  

First Impressions:  

Book:  Cutting through illusion, intensity, perceptive, quick, confident, bearing our own sorrows, reads people

Guidance: 

Journaling

This is one of my favorite quotes:  “This is a woman who became the way she is today, of her daunting status, because at one point early in her life she was vulnerable and insecure about her self worth.  What a perfect card to pull today.  This really sums up who I am and what I’ve been through.  I finally feel worthy of love and all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I’m also secure in who I am.  I have my moments and I’m not thrilled with my body, but in general, I like who I am.

May 27, 2018

As I look back over the past couple of years when I have been diligent about journaling every day, I’m seeing the changes in who I am and how I perceive myself.  I am strong enough to recognize my flaws, but also loving enough to accept who I am.  Some days it is hard for me and there are days when I still beat myself up, but overall I am in awe of who I am.  I am stronger, but also kinder than I have ever been at any time in my life and I realize that a lot of my strength is about being strong enough to walk away from my mother. 

That took so much strength.  It is acceptable in our society to walk away from a husband or from friends, but the world judges people who walk away from their parents.  It is as if we are supposed to accept any amount of garbage from our parents.  We’re supposed to be strong and capable and get rid of energy vampires, unless they happen to be parents, then we are supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I call bullshit.

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October 10, 2016

Queen of Swords Hanson Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  She has sapphires in her crown and there is a ruby in her sword.  Like the King, she has personalized her sword and, like the King, the same X of light is hitting her sword.  The skin on her arms appears gray.  My first impressions of this card reversed are of defeat and expressing emotions (lack of emotional control?)

Book: Be kinder.  Be slower to form opinions.  Sorry may have hardened your heart.  Hell bent on vengeance. Holding grudges.

Guidance:  Breathe.  Trust it will all work out.  Do not take things so seriously.  Draw wisdom rather than bitterness.

Journaling

I need to let go of my anger toward Meg  She is doing her job as she sees fit and it isn’t personal.  She’s not trying to screw me or hurt me.  She is just trying to satisfy the client.

However, I always have choices and I can choose to find another job.  I can also choose to make sure that Gateway is clear about what the deliverables are done.  I can’t come out and say you don’t need me, but I can help them draw their own conclusions.

December 22, 2017

Interesting as I read this more than a year removed from the situation and I don’t even remember what the details of this seemingly traumatic event were.  I gather from reading this that Meg wanted to extend me and I wanted to leave.  At the end of the day, none of this mattered as the client ended up ending the project on short notice in February and I ended up leaving itellignece for NTT.  And oddly enough, Meg ended up losing her job anyway.

I love reading journals from years past as it is a good reminder that all the shit that I think is so important, really isn’t.  It is also a reminder that all the shit I’m going through right now, probably won’t matter in a year or so.  

 August 27, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Three of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows a realistic heart.  I also like the face in the heart.  This is a beautiful card.

Book:  Remember your worth, let the storm wash over you

Guidance:   I allow space for healing.  I am open to meeting a more wholesome version of myself.  I trust in rainbows

Journaling:

There are days I am just so tired of healing and of my heart hurting that I just want to be done with it.  There are also days when I ask myself if I am deliberately digging into the pain instead of facing forward.  I don’t know the answers to those questions.  What I do know is that there are still days when my heart hearts and it feels as if I will be forever in pain.  

There are also days where I feel stuck and if I am never ever going to move forward.  I’m always going to be stuck working at a stupid job that I hate forever.  I’m just tired of working in corporate America.  It feels like life just completely sucks and I’m stuck helping idiots make more and more money.  This situation with the I has helped me see exactly how horribly he company I work for is run and while that doesn’t make my heart hurt.  It does make me sad.  I want to do work that feeds my soul and I don’t know how to do that and make enough to live on.

Where I’m At:  I’m hanging out today enjoying my last day of freedom.  We’re going to look at the house in Sharon tomorrow and then I have to be in the goddamned office on Monday.

Weather:  It is hot outside and sunny.  The doggos and I are hanging out inside.

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:6:46 / 8:09

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June 5, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Learning from pain, lots of ways to a broken heart, being present

Book:  heartbreak, sorrow, painful truth, betrayal

Guidance:   The language of grief speaks its lesson

Journaling:

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about grief and broken hearts and it feels like the world has a collective broken heart right now.  There is so much tragedy and pain in the world, but we as a nation don’t seem to learn from it.  We just watched 19 children and two teachers slaughtered and all that is being offered from a governmental perspective is thoughts and prayers.  I am so sick of thoughts and prayers as they don’t seem to do anything.

My other thoughts on this card are about how having a broken heart can make you more vulnerable and help you lean into the pain as you realize there can be no love without pain.  However, the flip side of that is the pain makes you put your shields up and you close off the love as well as the pain.  That’s the point I feel I’m at because it hurts too much to feel the anger, the rage, and the fear over all the mass shootings.  It just hurts to think about little bitty babies losing their loves because some moron is unable to control his emotions or because he believes that killing people will make him famous.  

Where I’m At:  It was a travel day today and I traveled to Chicago, then drove to Peoria.  It was a beautiful day to drive and although there was a mixup with my hotel and my reservation wasn’t until tomorrow, it all worked out as I got a reservation at the Pierre Marquette.  It is a beautiful hotel and the rooms were super nice.  However, Peoria is kind of a weird town as it is very clean and nice, but it was dead downtown.  I know it was a Sunday night, but it was just dead.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day when I left home and I was very comfortable in my jeans, but it was hot in Peoria.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 30%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:28  am / 8:56 pm

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March 12, 2022

First Impressions:  Anguish, pain, body blows, agony

Book:  Painful separation, loss heartbreak, an opportunity to heal, 

Guidance:   Your heart will heal

Journaling:

I am not feeling broken hearted as much as empty.  My life feels empty, my heart feels empty, and it feels as if nothing good is ever going to come my way.  My job pays the bills, but it takes so much of my life’s energy.  I don’t know how to do what I want and still make money.  Cam and I were talking yesterday about how when what you love turns into a job turns into a burden.  I don’t want tarot, energy work, etc. to turn into a burden.  I want those things to remain joyous.  

I don’t know how to navigate this as I don’t want to just be a joyless wage slave and that is what I feel like a lot of the time.  I think I need to figure out a way to have work just be work and shut the door on it at the end of the day.  I spend so much time thinking about how much I hate it.  Maybe the trick is to just accept that I hate it and that’s that.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting on the couch enjoying the day.  I slept super late and it felt good.  I just need to sleep a lot lately as my body heals.

Weather:   It is 15 degrees out and snowing.  this has been the absolute most obnoxious winter.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 69%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:43 / 6:30

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February 14, 2022

Deck: Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  This is a very painful card to view as the swords have pierced her and tinged her feathers pink.  However, the way the card is laid out, she could also just be holding the other two swords.  It is definately a card of pain.

Book:  Heartbreak, self harm, grief, separation

Guidance:  Maintain boundaries

Journaling:

This is a painful card and the story is immensely painful.  What I take away from this is to maintain boundaries and safety.  We should not be causing our own pain.  This is also a good card to pull this week as i work to recover from the trauma my mother Charlene caused.  She was all about my life being all about others and sacrificing for others.  There are times when we can and should sacrifice for others, but there has to be boundaries and we have to do it willingly.  Her version of sacrifice was give, give, give.  A lot of that was Crane Womanish as she wanted me to give up everything I was for my family.  I remember two incidents that reflected this so much.  The first was when I wanted to go to a writer’s conference and instead of being happy for me, all she could think about was whether or not John was comfortable watching the kids.  That stole so much joy from me that I ended up not going.  The other incident was when I was going to SAP training and for some reason the ignorant bitch thought that John should go instead.  Why the hell that even crossed her mind, I’m not sure, but was one of the stupidest things she ever said.

What I have learned in the days since ditching the bitch is that when I am in a good place and taking care of my own needs, I can sacrifice, but when I am called to sacrifice when I am in pain or not taking care of myself, it hurts and I get resentful.  I lived my life in such a state of resentment when I was married as everyone wanted me to give up everything for them.  That’s not fair, the kids were not adamant I give up everything, but John wanted me to be all things to all people and I was incapable of that.  The worst part was that he did not want to sacrifice at all, he just wanted to sit on his ass and watch TV while I did everything.

Where I’m At: I’m at home this week and I’m in a pretty good space.  The drama of last week is mostly over, although Cam did fall and cut her knee this morning, but the energy feels better and lighter.

Mood: I’m in a good mood.  I have a lot of heads down work to do

Weather:  It is cold and bright outside, but it feels good as the sun is reflecting off the snow.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 98%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:22 am / 5:58 pm

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First Impressions:  Broken heart, betrayal

Book:  Three needles pierce the heart, one is mending it

Guidance:  Forgiveness heals

Journaling

Cam’s heart is breaking today because the prosecutor wanted to move the trial back because of a murder trial.  We pushed back hard because it is really hard to schedule around this trial and it seems that every time we are all set, something happens and it gets pushed back.  I don’t think the people in the justice system understand that this wrecks havoc with our lives or maybe they don’t care.  I do know that the prosecutors are diligent and good people who are doing a really hard job.  I could not sit there and read through these heartbreaking cases and go to bat for victims. I think I would become numb and it would be very difficult for me to be compassionate.  I also think that it would be hard to switch back and forth between being there for my family and putting up shields to protect myself.  In some ways, this is very similar to what healthcare workers go through when they need to be kind and compassionate, but need to set boundaries to protect themselves.

I’m someone who is passionate about what I do and passionate about making a difference and I can’t hold part of myself back and feel like I’m doing a good job.  I think that’s what’s really hard about where I’m at with work right now is that I’m not all in and I feel like I’m not able to do a good job because I’m not all in.  What’s odd is that other people think I’m doing a good job, but I don’t.  I think I’m doing a subpar job because I’m not all in.  I don’t know what the solution is because the bottom line is that my heart isn’t in it anymore and it’s hard for me to do a good job.  There are so many times when it really feels like I’m not going through the motions and I’m not someone who likes to feel as if they are just going through the motions.  I like to be passionate about what I do and I like to feel that I’m making a difference.

As I’m reading this, I’m realizing that I’m struggling to find passion in my personal life because it feels like there is nothing left for me.  School is fascinating and I am so enjoying it, but it also makes it hard to tarot and do the other things I’m passionate about.  I don’t know what the solution is, but I do know that it is something I need to give some thought to.

July 22, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Fear, drama, walking away

Book:  Card of sorrow, suffering , and heartbreak.  Going through a particular hard time.  Card holds the key to healing and growth.  Opening up to new possibilities

Guidance:  Look through tear cleansed eyes at your life

Journaling:

Looking back over the last ten years, I realize that John walking out broke my ego.  I was upset and angry that he chose to walk out first.  I think even though I hoped we would reconcile after his heart attack, deep in my heart I knew that he would not change enough for us to be able to make it work.  The truth of the matter is that as long as I made more money, our marriage was never going to work.  He wanted me to make money and take care of all the chores, while the truth of it is that I never had the energy or the inclination to do all the chores and I never did them well enough to satisfy him anyway.  He was a perfectionist, but he never did the chores, he just complained about how I did them.  I was humiliated and angry when he left, but when I am am truly honest with myself I wasn’t heartbroken.  I thought I was, but I was sad, humiliated, and shamed, but my heart wasn’t truly broken.

LUKE RIP

It was losing Luke that broke my heart wide open.  He was my baby doggy who was always there for me.  He was the one who loved me when I thought no one else did.  He was the one who snuggled with me, he got me out of the house to take him for walks, and who listened when I cried and raged.  He was my savior.  And I did the best job I could taking care of him, but he died and I’d missed his last checkup and I will never know if there was anything they could have done.  The vet said that they most likely would not have found the tumor as he wasn’t showing any symptoms, but there is a part of me that feels guilty.

Holding him while he died was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and the best thing.  I was truly there for another being even though there was a part of me that didn’t want to be.  However, he had been there for me when no one else was and there was no way that I would let him die alone.  I know he loved me because he came upstairs that last night to be with me and he made sure he went when I took Sean to the train that Friday night.  My heart cracked open when he died and I felt a pain that I’d never felt before because he was a loving and innocent being and he loved me with his whole heart. 

Opening our hearts up to another dog was really hard because when you get a dog you know that one day they will rip your heart out, but the love and joy they bring will more than make up for the pain.  They will love you unconditionally.  And ultimately, we decided to take another chance on love and we brought two furry creatures into our lives.  They love us with all their hearts and although I know that when they die, my heart will be broken into pieces.  But I also know that I will be a better person for having loved them.

Wendy & Clark

Gratitudes

I’m grateful I had Luke in my life for 10 years

I’m grateful that we have Wendy and Clark in our lives

I’m grateful for having Scott for a friend

I’m grateful Scott and I had a great meal and conversation at Spanglish

I’m grateful for the safe drive

I’m grateful for air conditioning

I’m grateful for Sean for changing the laundry

I’m grateful for Cam for staying home with the critters

I’m grateful I have a job that pays my bills

January 14, 2022 Revisit

I needed to reread this today as I thought my heart was going to be ripped out of my chest again today.  Wendy seemed a little weird last night as she was lethargic and just wasn’t herself.  I woke up at 5 am and she seemed sicker.  I totally freaked out, woke up the kids, and called the emergency vet.  Unfortunately, the nearest vet who had someone on call was an hour away and by the time they could see her, Oak Tree would be open.  

I decided to wait and we took her in to Oak Tree.   We were there for two hours, but the good news is that it seems there is nothing seriously wrong.  We think that she hurt herself pushing down the baby gate.  There seems to be some muscle stiffness and pain, but the vet does not think there is anything really wrong.  She has some medicine and she will be sleepy for a few days, but my baby girl will be okay.  My heart is back and my chest and beating.  However, I also know that a day will come when I will not get good news about my girl and about my boy Luke.

February 14, 2022 Revisit

Wendy girl has had a rough month.  She and Clark got into it last week and she ended up with cellulitis, the same infection that Clarko gave me when he bit me.  Fortunately, we caught it in time and she is feeling a lot better.  She has to go and have a laser treatment today, but she is healing up nicely.  She wants to play with Clark, but we are keeping them apart until she is fully healed.

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January 1, 2018

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Three of Air Dark Goddess Tarot

Name:  Three of Air

First Impressions:  The Blue Dakini is stomping on someone’s heart as she dances.  The lotus flower appears to have blood flowing from it.  This is truly a card of heartbreak.

Book:  If it is not real and true, sever all ties, heralding a vast awakening, healing through destruction, quickly cutting through obstacles.

Guidance:  Face the harsh truth, put something in place of your wound, open yourself to the experience

Journaling:

I really love this reading and this card.  It is a reminder to let go of what no longer serves me and to open up to the possibilities of life.  I’m at a crossroads and I know that in order to move forward, I need to make some hard choices.  One of those choices is to choose to let go of my hope that something is going to happen with X and I need to put him in my rear view mirror.  I need to do like I am doing with so much of my life and keep the good and the lessons that I’ve learned and let go of that which no longer serves me.  Being diabetic also no longer serves me and I need to get with the program and quit the sugar.

January 13, 2018 Revisit

The three of swords is still not my favorite card in the deck, but I am learning to appreciate it and to see the value in admitting heartbreak and accepting it versus hiding it.  I’m also seeing the value in having the pain drain out. 

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November 10, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First impressions:  Heartbreak

Book:  Heartbreak, very dramatically and tragically expressed, ego is centered on emotional distress

Guidance:  Remove the focus from your emotions, proper perspective allows more clarity, empress can help with healing

Journaling

I love the reading on this card as it is a reminder to put things into perspective.  I tend to blow things out of perspective and make it seem as if I am the only person in the world to be hurt and that is not true.  Every person on the planet goes through heartbreak and pain.  It is not the tragedy we face that defines us as much as it is our reaction to it.  We can choose to curl up in a ball and wither away or we can choose to become hard.  Or we can choose to heal and grow.  Just like I love old furniture for its scars and patina, I need to embrace my own scars and imperfections.  I’ve led an interesting and varied life and I need to embrace that. 

I’m struggling right now as to how I can be there for my daughter as she is alternating between defiant and sad.  I guess I just have to let go and be there for her.  She needs a support system and not a jailer.

November 20, 2017  Revisit

Interesting read as I am working on accepting myself and who I am in my own life.  I am not berating myself for clothing sizes, but choosing to love who I am.

October 27, 2018  Revisit

Over the past year, I really have realized that loving myself and valuing my body is the key to losing weight.  I am actually motivated to take care of myself and to stop drinking coke.  It is really hard, but I know that I am starting to feel better since I’m no longer sucking down four cokes a day.  The pounds have not really started coming off yet, but I do know that I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

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December 16, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Joy, moving on

Card:  Drawn Reviersed

Book:  Protecting the heart, letting go of pain, forgiveness, path to recovery, accepting pain and loss and moving on

Guidance:  Letting go and move on, accept the situation

Journaling

What a perfect card to pick today.  I definitely feel like I’m moving on and letting the past go.  I’ve accepted that I can’t help help her or change her unless she wants help and to change and it’s clear she would rather sit there and whine and be passive aggressive rather than move on and get help.

She is so insecure that she can’t contemplate being wrong because it would shatter her self image.  I feel so much empathy because I used to be like that.  If anyone accused me of something or told me that I was wrong, I put my shields up.  I thought if I was wrong about anything it reflected on my worth as a person.  I’ve learned to let go of that and accept that I’m human.  I had to want to change.  I guess I’m also uncomfortable about confronting my m

July 1, 2018

One of the lessons that I’m learning about life is that sometimes I need to choose to let go of my need to be right in order to keep harmony.  That doesn’t mean degrading myself, it just means accepting that somethings are truly not mine to control and that I need to let go of the need to control everyone to let other people have their own lives.

I’m doing that with Cam right now.  I have to let go of my need to harp on her job and to point out all the things that are wrong with her job.  Instead, I have to love and support her to the best of my ability.  

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June 1, 2016

Three of Air Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Three of Air

First Impressions:  This card makes me think of Barack Obama sitting in a library studying and writing down tremendous wisdom.  This is a card of wisdom and doing the work of learning.  As I write this, I’m realizing that the Three of Air translates to the Three of Swords which is traditionally a card of heart break.

Journaling:

This card is about pouring your heart out on the page.  It is about being smart enough to know when to turn to book wisdom and smart enough to know when to look inside and to trust the wisdom inside my soul. 

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks pouring my heart out on the page and there is a huge part of me that says there is nothing more to pour out, but I know that is not true as there is always more to pour out on the page.  What I don’t know if continually digging into my soul is positive or negative.  Am I uncovering junk and releasing it or am I stuck in my own shit?  Is what I’m uncovering fertilizer that can help me move forward or quicksand that I will get mired in?  I guess at the end of the day, it is up to me as to whether it is mulch or quicksand.  I can choose to be a victim and be stuck in the past or I can choose to use it as fertilizer to grow my future.  I am choosing fertilizer.

Since I’ve been thinking about John lately, I need to put on my thinking cap and truly think about the lessons I learned from him:

• Men who want to go out with their friends and get drunk rather than stay home are party boys and may never grow up.  It’s okay to go out sometimes, but a grownup wants a mix of the two and not constant partying.
• Men who do not respect my boundaries are not for  me
• There needs to be an equal division of labor in a marriage.  I should not have had to carry the entire financial burden and clean the house while he sat on his butt
• Men who refuse to work because a job is beneath them are arrogant and lazy

What I want in a partner:

• An equal partner
• Someone who pays his own way
• Someone who respects my boundaries
• Someone who does not gaslight me
• Someone with similar interests
• A guy who likes to hang at home and have a few people over
• A guy who will go to art museums and concerts in the park
• A guy who will walk barefoot in the grass
• A guy who kisses me in the moonlight
• A guy who loves me despite my flaws

Other things I’ve learned:

• That I need to open my heart to love and put myself out there
• That I am worth knowing an loving
• That John and I were probably wrong from each other from the start, but that he lied about who he was and what he wanted in a relationship as he said he wanted an equal and that he wanted a family, but that’s never what he wanted
• I’m not really angry anymore an I’ve learned a lot of lessons

December 29, 2017 Revisit

This was amazingly powerful stuff and the best part is that these are lessons that have stuck for the most part.  I have truly realized that I am worth knowing and loving and that I have to open my heart to love.  I’m still not exactly sure how or when I will meet someone, but I’ve put it out their to my guides and I’ve opened myself to be ready and willing to listen to their guidance and we’ll see what happens. 

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April 13, 2016

Deck:  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  Heartbreak

Book:  Need to heal past relationships and shattered ideals, creating a new vision, better balance

Guidance:  Learn how to relate to others without losing oneself, balance between emotions and the mind

Affirmation:  I set good boundaries

Journaling

I’m not sure about the relevance for this card today unless it is about starting to move forward and heal.  I think a big part of the meaning for this card for me is that joy comes from sorrow.  Experience heart break is like cracking your heart open and letting in the light and love.  I’m thinking more and more that there are reasons that rocks and crystals appeal to me is that when I was first separated they let me build a wall around my heart.  It was a symbolic way to keep out the boogie man and prevent me from getting hurt.

April 17, 2016 Revisit

I don’t feel the need to wall up my heart anymore.  I’m strong enough to love and to let in love.  I’ve learned when I need the rocks and when I don’t.  I’m also learning to let love in. 

 August 26, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  The Hanging One

First Impressions:  I love the full frontal nudity on the card as it is so open and free,  And this card gives the impression of fun and not so serious.  It is clear the girl is having fun on her swing.

Book:  Get comfortable with giving up control.  Sometimes the answer is to stop.

Guidance:   I release and surrender.  I deserve ease,.  I trust that rest nourishes growth

Journaling:

Releasing and surrendering is so hard for me.  I am really a control freak and the thought of letting go and trusting is difficult.  I know there is nothing else I can do about my drug screen or my background check, but there is part of me that feels that I should be able to control what happens.  However, I can’t.  I just have to let go and trust.

Deep inside I know that everything will work out okay.  I might not have all the answers, but I do know that it will work out.  I’ve always had my needs taken care of and the secret has always been trust and surrender.  Surrendering is hard, but I know it is the right thing to do.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting at the Hyatt Regency in Buffalo, NY.  I had my passport appointment at 8 am this morning and will pick up my passport at 2.  Then I will head back home.

Weather:  It rained overnight, but it is beautiful out now

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:45 / 8:10

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 July 15, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Meditation

First Impressions:  I love this card as there is a calmness and peacefulness that is missing from the Hanged Man.  While the Hanged Man looks like he is being tortured, this card portrays a woman who is calm and very peaceful.

Book:  Patience, receptivity, surrender, release

Guidance:   Allow multiple things to coexist and ride their course before making a decision

Journaling:

I love this card as it is so peaceful and such a good reminder to just surrender to what is.  Right now, I have to surrender to the shitty situation at work and just accept it for what it is, because I cannot just do what I want to do and tell them they are bloody Assholes and walk out.  However, I can start laying the groundwork for what’s next.  The situation with the Evil M has helped to realize that I really need a No Assholes rule in my life.  I think it is unrealistic to have a no assholes at work policy because there will always be assholes at work.  However, I can have a no working for assholes policy because the bosshole is the biggest risk.  They treat you unfairly, they write you up, and they generally make your life miserable.  I will not work for the Evil M.

The other thing I was thinking about as I drove around KC today was that there is no glory in subjugating yourself to a bad situation.  There are going to be times where you have to deal with it for a little while, but there is no glory in staying for a long period of time.  There is no glory in being a martyr.  My thoughts are that once I have encountered an asshole and learned what I need to learn, it is time to move on.  I learned from J at itelli that grown ass adults should not be micromanaged.  And you should not condescend to people.  If there is a problem with people, you address it, but you should not just assume people are going to screw up.  And I’ve learned from the Evil M to stay in my lane and that no one wants to listen to a monologue.  She is so disrespectful about that as she thinks everyone wants to hear all her drivel.  My view of the world is that we should give people enough to understand and if they want more info, they can come back and ask questions.

For now, I am surrendering to where I’m at, but I am going to keep looking and I’m going to find a job that works for me.

Where I’m At:  I started the day off in Trenton and it was the third night of getting crappy sleep.  The bed was comfortable, but there was no way to stop light from coming in the windows.  I should have taken a sleep mask with me, but I didn’t even think of it.  Our morning session at the plant was good and Tyson said the team really liked working with us.  That made me feel good.  I went to an awesome Botanica in KC and bought a voodoo doll and an oracle deck.  Both my flights were delayed, but after an extra hour in KC and an extra hour in Chicago, I finally got home.

Weather:  It was hotter than hell in MO.  The temperature hit 98 with a real feel of 106.  I have no flipping clue how people live in temperatures like that I struggled with getting out of the car.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 95%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 am / 8:44 pm

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May 1, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Changing seasons, monarchs, change is coming, let go to what is

Book:  Surrender, sacrifice, restraint, transformation, new perspective, enlightenment

Guidance: The discomfort is in wearing a false mask

Journaling:

I need to surrender to what is and just let go of expectations.  And sometimes that surrender means that I can change something, but choose not to.  Maybe surrender is about surrendering to the choices we’ve made.  I’m choosing to stay at the bird for another year to get a payout.  That is a choice and whenever I get annoyed by my choice, i can take a step back and remind myself that this is a choice and there is value in that  choice.  And if I decide there is no longer value in that choice, I can make a different choice.

I also love the reading of “the discomfort is in wearing a false mask.”  And that is so true.  Pretending to like the Evil M is not working.  I need to set clear boundaries with her and be clear that I will not put up with her garbage.  

Where:  I’m at home today and I finished my last assignment for the semester.  I am also starting to feel a little better.  I realized that part of why I was struggling is that the training thing from work really triggered me.  It dredged up a lot of painful and scary memories.  

Weather:  It is a little chilly out, but it has been nice.

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:19 / 8:26

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February 28, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Different perspective, grasping for things one cannot achieve, looking into the light

Book:  Surrendering to the will of the cosmos, a deliberate pause, letting go, acceptance, re-aligning with your heart and purpose

Guidance:   Push beyond your current boundaries

Journaling:

This is a card I needed to pull today.  Surrender to the will of the cosmos.  I always want to control the outcomes and know the next step, but maybe I just need to surrender my need to know and just continue to do the next right thing.  The next right thing is to put out there what I want and need and to surrender to what comes.  Maybe I just need to accept that my current job is just  job.  I don’t need to be passionate about it.  I don’t even need to like it a whole lot.  I just need to focus on what I can control.  I need to quit thinking beyond the actual work.

Eventually, things will change as long as I am focusing on what needs to be done and keeping myself open to opportunities.  It may be that this job is a good place to be because I can do the stupid work and spend my own time on what matters to me.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting at home this week about to watch one of the three shows I watch this week.  The house is calm and live is good.

Weather: It’s actually nice outside.  It’s not too cold

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 6%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:02 am / 6:16 pm

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Note:  This and the next few cards include a mixture of messages from the Tarot de St. Croix and Dark Goddess Tarot as I’m working through messages from this month.

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Heart chakra, halo, finding balance

Dark Goddess Tarot

Journaling

Tiamet was the Goddess of the Month and in the Dark Goddess Tarot she is the Hanged One.  As I pulled cards for this month, I was struck by a sense of dread and dislike.  It made me want to throw my tarot cards out the window as the messages of the cards I pulled were deep and scary and there was so much truth that I wanted to hide and ignore the messages that I was being given.  Before plunging into the reading, I needed to journal on the Goddess of the Month and on the need to surrender.  Surrender is not something that I’m comfortable with as I often equate surrender  with giving up and giving up is not something I like to do.  In the past, I’ve fought to the death to avoid surrendering, even if surrender was the smart thing to do. 

However, over the last few years I’ve learned that surrendering to circumstances or surrendering to the gods is different than surrendering to a person.  In my family of origin, surrender was viewed as weakness and if you surrendered you were likely to be humiliated and abused.  That lessen carried over into my marriage as we did not fight in a healthy manner instead it was escalate and humiliate until one person became submissive.  There was no discussion or working things out and surrendering meant degradation.  I still get trapped in that mindset sometimes and I struggle with surrendering to circumstances or other people as I am terrified of other people having dominion over me and to me surrender means giving someone dominion.

One of the things I have been learning to do, although I am far from perfect at it, is realizing that surrendering to circumstances is different than surrendering to people.  When I surrender to circumstances, I am accepting what is and moving forward from a basis in reality instead of what I want to happen.  When I can surrender and accept the world as it is instead of trying to bend the world to meet my happy version of reality, I’m in a much better place.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the good meetings with my client

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather on the drive home

I’m grateful for the Casey’s pizza

I’m grateful for getting home in time for Blue Bloods

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

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August 8, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Darkness, clarity, comfortable

Book:  Seeing things in a new way, finding clarity

Guidance:  Travel into the unconscious

Journaling

Driving in the daytime is about seeing the sites, about looking at the scenery, about being in the world.  Traveling at night is about being comfortable in the darkness.  It’s about knowing that there is a great big world out there that you cannot see.  Depending on the phase of the moon, you may see outlines of mountains or complete darkness.  Driving in the dark means being comfortable with the unknown.  It means relying on all of our senses and not just our eyesight to navigate.

Going within and navigating the terrain of our soul also means letting go of all that we know and surrendering to something greater than ourselves.  It means letting go of who we are in the light and in the outside world and embracing our soul selves.  It means letting go of work, of family, and being comfortable being alone with ourselves.  I was never comfortable with the darkness and venturing into my soul.  Before my divorce, I was filled with shame at who I was.  Shame about my body, shame about my life, shame about everything I was.

However, the last eight years have been about finding myself and embracing who I truly am.  I’ve discovered that I truly have a beautiful and luminous soul.  I’m not perfect, but deep down I am an amazing person.  And once I’ve been able to let go of most of the shame, I’m found that I am a pretty fucking amazing person.  I’m finally comfortable navigating in the dark.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the beautiful drive home

I’m grateful for the trip down LSD

I’m grateful for my convertible

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

I’m grateful for being mostly done with my work

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June 28, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Isa, making choices, different perspective

Book: Suspended between the worlds, visionary, shaman, some element of your life is on hold,

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be suspended for a while, be willing to give up something that no longer serves you

Journaling:

This is a card that I’ve never really meditated on before as it is a card of inaction and calls for patience.  It reminds me of all the times that Scott pulled the Isa rune for me and told me that patience was required.  I was going to be stuck for a while and I just needed to embrace the stillness.  I’m realizing that part of the reason that I struggled to embrace the stillness was because I was afraid of what I would find there.  I was afraid of finding all my ugliness and all the things I was ashamed of.  Being active, kept the shame at bay and I did not have to confront all the hate and ugliness that had been heaped on me by others and myself.  I did not have to confront being groped in math class and made to feel as if I was nothing for complaining.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of being bullied.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of the shame heaped on me by my mother.  I did not have to confront the abuse by my husband.  I did not have to confront each of those incidents that bit by bit stole my soul.  By keeping busy and active, I could convince myself that I was worthy by contributing.  If I allowed myself to stop, I would be mired in the shame and the uncalled for guilt of not being busy taking care of others.

My divorce plunged me into the darkness as my ex made it clear that I had outlived my usefulness to him and as such I had no purpose left in life.  I was not good enough or worthy enough to stand on my own.  The lesson I had learned from my mother and that was reinforced by my ex, that my worth came from giving to others and that if I had nothing left to give, I was worthless.  I was not worthy of nice things.  I was not worthy of taking care of myself.  I was not worthy of any of those things.  I met Erishkigal when I plunged into the darkness and she taught me compassion.  She taught me that I deserved compassion from others and from myself.  I learned that compassion can transform lives.  Initially, I relied on compassion from others and I still did not feel that I was worthy of such love and compassion.  However, as I grew more comfortable in the dark, I realized that I was worth of compassion and eventually I have begun to see that I am also worthy of love.

All the Hanged Man asks us to do is to be willing to be suspended and to let the thoughts and feelings come.  He asks us to choose not to run from them and to be willing to let go of beliefs and feelings that are no longer serving us.  We don’t have to give them up just yet, we just have to be willing to consider maybe possibly letting go. 

January 9, 2022 Revisit

I feel incredible sadness for the little girl I once was as I read this.  However, I also know that I am a product of my times and that sexual abuse of children in schools happened and continues to happen.  We continue to live in a “boys will be boys” environment where boys are allowed to abuse girls with no consequences.  I know I complained and nothing  happened.  However, I realize now that nothing happening was not about me, but was about the people who chose to do nothing.  Even though it was the 1970s and 1980s, there was still a belief that boys mattered more than girls.  I hope all of those people who let this happen rot in hell.

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May 29, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  New perspective, looking at things from someone else’s point of view

Book:  Suspended between the worlds, linking heaven and earth, some element of your life is on hold, being vulnerable and questioning

Guidance:  Be willing to give up some belief that no longer serves you

Journaling

I’ve learned that when I am stressed out and nothing seems to be going my way, I “other” people.  I take exception with the way that other people choose to live, how they choose to behave, and generally who they are.  I’ve learned that when the words “they should…” or “they shouldn’t…” go through my mind, I need to top and take a pause to figure out what’s bothering me.  This is especially true when the things that are bothering me are really benign such as someone talking to loudly in the nature center or someone sitting where I want to sit.  Granted, it is kind of rude to talk at the top of your lungs in a nature center, but it is also not the worst offense in the world.  And the person who sat in the chair that I wanted to sit in was just as entitled to sit in the chair as I was.  Once I pull myself back and remember that the world does not revolve around me, I quit “othering.”

My personality runs to extremes and if I am not “othering” other people, I am looking at things from everyone else’s perspective and ignoring my own needs.  I was raised by a mother who put everyone else’s needs above hers and who expected me to do the same.  My maternal grandmother had an undiagnosed mental illness and she was someone who could never be satisfied.  She looked the other way when my mother’s brother abused her, she gave away my mother’s wedding gifts to the same brother, and she treated my brother and I like second class citizens.  However, despite all of this, my mother was at her beck and call and would drop everything to take care of her.  My father enabled my mother’s acceptance of my grandmother’s bad behavior as he preached respect your elders so I learned that your elders were to be respected at all costs.

I vowed to myself that I would never let people mistreat me because they were elders to be respected and with people outside of my family, I did a good job of standing up for myself and demanding respect.  However, I let my mother mistreat me without calling her on it and I married a man who began mistreating me from shortly after we said I do.  Since I had been raised to believe that unconditional love meant accepting whatever behavior someone dished out, I twisted myself into knots trying to make him happy even though at my heart I knew that someone else’s happiness was not my responsibility.  As the years wore on, I became angry and bitter and ultimately he ended up leaving me.  At first I was devastated, but I’ve come to realize that his leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

As I reflect upon the hanged man, I realize that I need to give up my black or white thinking.  Most likely I am not always right, but the other person is not always right either.  The truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

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December 24, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  The Hanged One

First Impressions:  I love this card because not only is she hanging upside down in water, her limbs are all akimbo and I’m not sure exactly how she is staying together in the water.  The Hanged One (man) is always about changing my perspective and looking at things from a different point of view.

Book:  What has been, what lives in hidden places, Goddess of the Mother, of the gods, Mother of All, existence killed by her own young.

Guidance:  Surrender, but remember who you are; trust your intuition and be open to it, look at things from a different point of view.

Journaling

Surrender is such a foreign concept to me.  I’ve always been someone who fights to the bloody, brutal end so the thought of surrendering and letting go always seems to me like giving up.  However, past experience has taught me that when I do truly surrender to deity, amazing things happen.  It is hard though because I always want to snatch back control.

Dearest Ones,

Help me to trust you enough to let go.  Let me trust that I a being led and that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to work out.  Let me trust you have my best intentions at heart.

January 1, 2018 Revisit

I’m still getting used to writing 2018!  One thing I have learned in my life is that life does move on and that surrendering means that I don’t have to control everything.  Over the past few years, my definition of surrendering has evolved from giving up total control and sitting there passively to trusting that I will be led and doing the work I need to do.  It’s kind of like managing a project, I cannot control how every consultant spends every minute of their day so I need to set the structure and trust them to do what they’re supposed to do. 

Trust is as difficult of a concept for me as surrender so sitting back and not micromanaging is hard for me.  However, when I do sit back and trust others, things work out amazingly well. 

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April 17, 2017

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Different perspective

Book:  Tree of life, define wisdom, spiritual transformation

Guidance:  Personal sacrifice, being future rewards, let go of clutter, surrender

Journaling

This card is actually about sacrifice.  I’m doing what needs to be done to  move forward, but I’m paying a huge price for it.  The fact of the matter is that I’m tired of sacrificing myself for others.  I’m tired of accommodating needy clients and I jut don’t know how to change it.

January 2, 2018

I think the key is to draw clear boundaries about what is and what isn’t my responsiblity and to learn to say no without worrying about what other people think.  There are times when we do need to give our all and go the extra mile, but that is not every time the client asks us too.  Sometimes they just need to learn that no means no.  I’ve also learned to escalate and ask for help when I need it.  Those are not perfect solutions, but they are really helping me to have more peace of mind.

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December 22, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck in one mode, unable to consider different points of view

Book;  Being too self righteous, false spirituality, too preoccupied with material issues, not sharing wisdom and grace, an end to a trying time

Guidance:  Show wisdom and grace to others, take back your power

Journaling

This card is hitting me today as the word’s wisdom and grace are jumping out at me.  I also need to show wisdom and grace to myself.  I beat myself up for my thoughts instead of just letting go and releasing them.  My thoughts are my thoughts.  It is only when I dwell on them that they cause me problems.  I need to just let them go.  I need to go back to doing a good box this year as that has truly helped.

This card is incredibly deep and I don’t know whether to read it as taking back my power or offering forgiveness and grace.  Maybe it is truly both because offering grace is a way of claiming my own power.  I’m no longer in a place where others have power over me  This is a lot of where I’m at with X.  I have given him so much power over me for so long that it feels weird to be taking back my power and my need for him.  I’m also just discovered this amazing book called Change Me Prayers and I’m realizing that I need to surrender my need for control.  I’ve started praying for the one who is right for me to come into my life and that is a little uncomfortable because I’m used to driving and choosing.  But I need to sit back and surrender is driving me crazy.

July 8, 2018 Revisit

The theme of surrender has been coming up again and again for me.  It is also something that I truly struggle with as I love to be in control  Cam and I were talking today about how it is easier to surrender when you are in a plane because there is truly nothing I can do to change what happens.  It is harder to surrender everyday life when I think that I should be able to change things.  However, there are so many things in life that I cannot change and I cannot even influence. 

I’ve actually put up an Isis altar and I’m going to work on surrendering things to her and imaging her taking things in her loving arms.

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November 26, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Seeing things from a different perspective

Book:  Coming through a challenging experience, peace, willing to sacrifice society’s approval to be true to yourself

Guidance:  Be true to yourself

Journaling

The message I’m getting is to truly stop and see things from my perspective instead of constantly looking at things from her (Charlene’s) perspective or someone else’s perspective.  There is a time and place for mercy, but in order for there to be mercy, the other person has to be repentant. They have to acknowledge their sins.  Charlene has never done that and she has continually pulled the I’m your mother card.  She hurt me and she hurt the kids and yes she had a horrible childhood and was damaged by her mother, but she has perpetuated the pain.  She knew that her mother gave me cheap crap and was hurtful, but she put me in the position of seeing her over and over and over again.  She never once said that my kids matter and I’m not going to continually put them in a position to be hurt.  Not only that, she knew that it was rotten to have your stuff given away and that it hurt, but she did it to Cam.  She didn’t want Mike’s kid to feel bed so she gave away Cam’s shoes.  I wish I would have known because I would have blasted her to hell and back and she never would have seen the kids again.

In some ways she is like a convict or wife beater who doesn’t see that their behavior is wrong or that it hurts other people.  She is in denial and a big part of that is because no one has ever called her on her bullshit before.  People just let her continue to get away with it.  After Tony got divorced and she was abusing him by continually telling him he needed to find someone.  No one told her to stop after she said hurtful things.  No one told her that she was being a bitch.  I’m saying no more.  She may not stop and she may not acknowledge her behavior, but I will have stopped the cycle by standing up to her and making sure she knows that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not let her hurt the kids or me again. 

I do not owe her anything.  I’m taking care of my kids and helping them overcome the results of her abuse.  that is where my energy needs to go and not back into helping her.  There is a part of me that says by breaking off contact in a letter that it isn’t fair because I’m not letting her have  a say, but the last time I tried to let her have a say, it failed.  She just blabbed on and on about me coming to visit her and that she could come and pick me up, etc. ,etc.  She treated me as if I was dirt poor and that I wasn’t coming to see her because I could not afford it.  Her ego could not accept that I did not want to come and see her.  She refused to acknowledge and accept that I’m an adult who is making decisions in my own best interest. 

In some ways this is like when Cam was manic and kept asking to go and smoke.  We would keep telling her no and she would keep saying she understood, but would go right back to asking to smoke.  This is what my mother’s behavior is like.  She says she understands, but she really doesn’t listen.  She cannot comprehend that she did anything wrong.  Instead she just goes into the I’m the mother and I know best routine.  It isn’t true and I know it, but she can’t see it.  I have to step back and not let myself get sucked into her crazy.  I know there are people who think that I’m a horrible person for “doing this to her” and hurting my poor sick  mother, but there are also people who think that murderers can be redeemed.  No one can be redeemed until they take personal responsibility.  She may not get it in this lifetime and she may not realize how she has hurt me and the kids, but maybe she will get it in a future lifetime.

When she messaged me on my birthday by posting totally inappropriate crap on a post I had made, I gave her the opportunity to listen and understand my point of view, but she fell right back into her passive aggressive bullshit and telling me that she “supported my lifestyle.”  You mean the one where I bust my ass to support myself and the kids?  The one where I’ve bought a house and taken care of myself?  Not sure which lifestyle she was referring to.  She does not comprehend that she might be the cause of this situation. 

There are days when I feel that I should be kind to her because I would feel horrible if the kids walked away from me, but I have to remind myself that these are two very different situations.  I treat my kids like adults and acknowledge when I’ve screwed up.  She treats me like I’m a child who doesn’t know her own mind.

I am so proud that I have managed to break out of the cycle and create an environment of respect and civility.

July 6, 2019 Revisit

Wow!  That was pretty deep and intense stuff.  However, there is so much growth in that post because I actually stood up for myself and standing up for myself doesn’t always happen.

January 9, 2022 Revisit

As I learn more, I am realizing that trauma truly is generational and even though my children have mostly escaped and that my actions stopped them from being exposed to more trauma, they will still suffer from what my mother went through and I went through.  There is nothing I can do about that, but I can create a better environment and I can say “not on my watch.”

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September 30, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  This Hanged Man is hanging from a beam instead of a treat.  He is surrounded by mistletoe and his eyes are wide open.  There is a glow around his head as it seems he has found inner peace.  This card speaks to me of surrender, contemplation, and approaching things from a different point of view.

Book:  Reversal of values, patience, surrender, sacrifice, peace, freedom comes from commitment, non-resistance, new perspective.

Guidance:  Let go of your striving, surrender, love yourself, trust yourself.

Journaling:

Today was all about Isa and this card was perfect as I believe that the Hanged Man is the tarot version of Isa.  I need to just let go and surrender.  There are things I can do nothing about and the best course of action is to let go and quit struggling.  It will all fall into place.

December 23, 2017 Revisit

I am getting so much better at just surrendering and waiting.  It is still a very uncomfortable place for me, but I am better at actually executing.  I am someone who always wants to fix, manage, and control (thank you Al Anon for teaching me that) and sometimes there are things I cannot fix, manage, and control and I have to let go and see how it all plays out.

The shakeup at work has me a little worried, but there is nothing I can do to change what is happening.  My guides are telling me to trust and that it will all work out so that’s what I’m going to do.  I know that I could start frantically looking for a new job, but that’s not what I want to do.  I want to stay here and to build something and my guides are telling me that this is where I belong so I’m going to stay for now.

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May 27, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  The Tree, pulled reversed

Book:  Ego refuses to surrender, chooses to be mored in an unwinnable situation.  Blocks and hangups may be frustrating.  Lessons are ignored, denial, patience is called for

Journaling

It is very interesting that I drew this card today as I drew it yesterday when I asked about the job at IMG.  This is a card of surrender.  It is about getting out of the universe’s way and letting the magick work.  This card is telling me I can be too rigid and that I need to let go of my need to control.

Stillness and reflection.  This time clears a space so I can experience how the universe acts for my highest good. T his card is akin to Isa.  I’m being directed to be patient and let things flow.  That’s hard to do right now because I am in limbo and that’s a tough spot.  However, I got a great review and am getting promoted so I have to trust.  I have to trust the universe that this will all work out for my greater good.  

It’s funny because one of the things I was thinking about the other day was about wanting time to heal and to work through things.  Oddly, I’ve been given time to work on myself and to work through some of the remnents of grief and sadness in my life.  I’m at a crossroads right now.  I’m at a place of letting go of a treasured dream and needing to let go of X hurts a lot.  Even though my intelect knows we would not be good together, my heart still wants for it to work out. The good thing is that I have realized that our not being together is not about me being fundamentally unlovable.  he does love me, I know that in my bones, but he is too honorable to step away from the person he is with.  He just keeps taking her abuse over and over because he feels that is what he is supposed to do.  He sees it as making a sacrifice.  In many ways, he is the hanged man as he is trapped in an uncomfortable position, but he holds the key and could walk away at any time.  I think that is another lesson of the hanged man, we are co-creators of our own reality and there are some situations that we create and then believe we are stuck in.

Pulling this card is also about looking at our situations and determining whether we are keeping ourselves stuck.  I know with X that I kept myself stuck.  I was stubborn and refused to let go. However, in all fairness to me, I was also hurting and could not see how he could love me and not be with me.  I finally realized that he does love me and that I am not unlovable.  This choosing not to be with me is not about me being unloveabl or unworthy of love.  I am worthy of love and happiness.

Apparently, I decided to pull a second card from an oracle deck and pulled the Camel from the Spirit Guides Deck.

Message:  Trust that you have the resources to get through the challenges before you.

Journaling:

Interestingly, I pulled a spirit guides card and received the camel.  One of the lines I love from the book is “cast away your fears, doubts, and hesitations whenever they arise, leaving the wounds open to the sun to be burned away.  Ease your heart and mind and know that you are protected at all times.”

I love that so much.  I am protected and watched over.  I just have to do my part and trust them to do theirs.  Right now my part is to keep working on work and on my Midwives of Change stuff and do my love spell.

August 25, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Thunder

First Impressions:  Sadness, curled onto oneself, crying.  The seal in this card makes me think of Sedna.

Book:  The ocean embraces you, retreat into the peaceful waters

Guidance:   I am at home with myself.  I am supported by the world around me.  I take the time to listen.

Journaling:

I need to have some me time and even though I felt bad saying no to Cam coming with me, I need time alone and I never seem to get it.  Every time that the kids are supposed to leave, something comes up and they don’t go anywhere.  I want time alone in my own house and I never ever get it.  And the house just feels like it is filled up with more and more stuff.  I know some of it is mine, but a lot of it is the kids.

It is getting really hard to not feel resentful of the kids taking over my house.  I love them dearly, but I want space and time alone.  I think that’s why the thought of buying this house in Sharon and having space for myself is kind of exciting.  Maybe someday I will have my house to myself, but I guess the only way I get time alone is to go out of that house.  I’m thinking when I buy this house I spend a week at the house and a week in Cleveland.  I will also have to make sure I get the yard fenced so that I can let the dogs out.  I won’t trust them at first.  I just have to keep trusting that it is all going to work out.

Where I’m At:  I drove to Buffalo today and had a lovely day.  It was a beautiful day to drive and I took the long way along the lake and it was just beautiful to see the vineyards and the lake.  I really do love living along Lake Erie.  I wish I could figure out a way to afford to live along the lake.

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day today.  The sun was shining and there was just a hint of a breeze.  When I got to Buffalo, it was warm, but then there was this beautiful breeze.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 3%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:44 / 8:12

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March 9, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Being picked part, this is how I feel when I am overwhelmed with responsibilities and it feels like everyone wants  piece of me

Book:  Stalemate, a crossroads, opposing ideas

Guidance:   Make a choice

Journaling:

As I reflect on this, I realize I am not in a position to make a choice and that’s okay.  I am physically exhausted, overwhelmed with work and school, and stressed beyond belief by the pandemic.  I need a break as I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically broken right now.  I need time to take care of me and not have to deal with Wendy whining, the dogs fighting, the kids struggling to find jobs, and all the other stressors that I have in my life.  I just need to take a break.

Maybe I do need to go away with Wendy for a weekend.  I could find a cabin or someplace that will let me have a dog and she and I could leave on a Friday and come back Sunday afternoon.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting on the couch with Sean and Clark and Wendy is sitting in the orange chair looking sad that Clark is on the couch with us.  She’s giving me the sad face that’s breaking my heart.  I am also so exhausted that I can’t sleep straight.  I haven’t gotten a good night sleep all week.

Weather: It is cold and icky outside today

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:46 am / 6:27 pm

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 January 4, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Calming oneself before making a decision, reflection, not making decisions out of blind emotion

Book: Facing fears, precarious position, stalemate, denial

Guidance: When faced with hard choices, they must be made at some point in time.  You cannot let them linger too long.

Journaling

The one aspect of this card that is new for me is facing fears.  In the past, I’ve spent a lot of time making decisions out of fear.  I was afraid of being broke, I was afraid of not having the money I needed.  However, I’ve never thought about the flip side of the fear which is being trapped in a life I hate.  I don’t like my job.  It bores me, I hate the politics, I feel like nothing I do matters.  I stay only because of the money.  However, the bad part of that is because I’m unhappy, I spend more than I should which means I have less money and am more trapped.  

The truth is that I get bored at once job and jump to one that is doing the exact same thing for someone else.  What I really want to be able to do is help people and to make a difference.  I don’t do that in the job that I’m in.  However, I need to stay one more year so I will be vested in my 401K.  It would be stupid to walk away from about $20k.  I will take this year to explore what fascinates me, to work on my MS in Thanatology, to explore PhD programs and to develop a plan to do something different and to not just jump into another job doing the same thing.  I will also spend this year facing my fears of being broke and figure out how I can build some internal security by paying off bills and putting myself into a better financial situation.

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May 5, 2020

Chicory is an interesting plant for me because when I was growing up and we would go on trips with my grandmother, she would always point it out and call it Blue Ruin.  As this was in the days before the internet, I had no way of looking it up to see why it was called that and she didn’t know either.  I did Google it, but couldn’t find anything related to it being called Blue Ruin.  Why that memory is important is that Chicory (Two of Air) in The Herbcrafter’s Tarot is telling me to let go of long held beliefs and to let go of worn-out beliefs and one of the messages that my grandmother hammered into my head was that I needed a man to survive.  Starting when I was about 14 or 15 every time I went to visit her, she would ask if I had a boyfriend yet and when I went to college, she wasn’t interested in what I was learning or what was happening at school, all she cared about was whether or not I had a boyfriend.

She wasn’t the only one that was drilling the message into my head that I needed a man to be whole, my parents were also sending that message.  My father made it clear that the only degree he would pay for was an accounting degree because then I could support myself in the event that I had to.  When I reflect upon that now, I’m realizing that the message was that supporting myself was a fall back plan because the ideal course of action would be to be supported by a man while I did the “housewifely” things like cooking and cleaning.  Why would a woman ever want to support herself?  My mother reinforced this idea by expecting everything I did in life to be about someone else.  This continued up until the day I had had enough with her and cut her out of my life.  That day came when I told her I was separating from my husband and her questions where “How are the kids?” and “There’s not going to be a divorce, is there?”  There was no concern for me or how I felt, instead it was (as it had always been) about everyone else.

I’ve worked hard in the last 10 years to learn that I am an amazing and awesome person all by myself and that I don’t need someone to support me.  That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone in my life, but it does mean that I’ve learned that I am a whole human being all by myself.

The Wise Leader reinforces this by reminding me that I can be a beacon for others and I can lead people.  This has been a hard lesson for me as well as my father continually reminded me that women were not leaders, women should not be in a position of power over men.  The last few years have been about coming into my own as a person and as a leader and I’m realizing that I am strong and that I can stand proud and lead people.

These were awesome cards and a good reminder for me to continue to let go of all the old and hateful lessons.

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September 26, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Looking within to decide whether to continue to protect herself or put down her swords and open herself to something new

Guidance:  A choice needs to be made

Journaling

I love the reading on this card as it seems like I always have my swords up, I don’t seem to be able to let down my guard and let people in.  I also am realizing that I hold in a lot of pain and I don’t seem to be able to let it out.  I also like to be the hero and that hurts me a lot as it means I give up time with my family and my baby doggie to go and rescue people who have gotten themselves into jams.  The thing is I have had my swords up and my shields up for so long that I don’t know how to let them down and let people in.  I really want to have people in my life who care about me, but that’s hard to do when I work this crazy funky job where I travel all the time. I also know that the work and school are distractions that make me feel worthwhile.  It seems hard to believe that I am worthy just for being me.

It’s interesting that as I started to write this, my shields went up and I didn’t even want to go back to the cards as it seemed too painful and too emotional.  I’ve also been reading about breathing meditations and how they ask you to sit with the pain and let it flow.  That is hard for me as I’ve learned that when I start jumping from window to window or thing to thing that there is something that I’m avoiding and this card hit me in the pit of my stomach and that means that I like to think I’ve let go of the pain and that I’m open to love that I’m really not.  There is still a part of me that feels unworthy of love and that feels as if I have to have my shields up to prevent people from seeing how unworthy I really am.  It makes me sad that there is a part of me that feels that way and I’m not sure how to reach that little girl deep inside me and comfort her and hold her and tell her that all the people that said mean things were wrong.

I think I need to go back to the inner child meditation and spend some time comforting that scared little girl inside of me.  I’ve done some of that work, but it seems that it is

Gratitudes

I’m grateful my flight was on time

I’m grateful for the good convo with Tom

I’m grateful for the red jeep

I’m grateful Sean arrived safely

I’m grateful that my hotel is quiet

I’m grateful for the Portillos

January 4, 2022 Review

I’d forgotten about this interpretation of the Two of Swords as protecting one’s heart.  I reread Lisa’s interpretation of the card and I realize that I am still protecting my heart.  There is a part of me that is really afraid of doing coaching or counseling because, as an empath, I pick up people’s pain and to be a good coach, I need to put down my shields and see people’s pain and that is terrifying for me.  However, maybe another way of looking at it is that I can acknowledge their pain, but I don’t have to take it on.  If I don’t take it on, I can better help guide them.  This is something to think about.

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July 16, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Actively making a choice, not being passive

Book:  Conscious choice to retreat, Confidence, mental agility, peace, and composure are the gifts of this card

Guidance:  Go within and calm your mind, listen closely to your intuition, stay connected to your feelings, do not run away, be prepared to take action

Journaling

I love this card as it shows someone who is not being passive and not just sitting there waiting for a decision to happen.  It seems this person is actively choosing to make a decision and accepts that going within is part of that process.  What I sometimes struggle with in going within is letting go of the fear and the mental chatter as those are the two things that always trip me up.  What helps is when I am able to let go of my preconceptions and choose to listen to the goddess.  When I can do that, I can listen to my intuition.  I know that I am being led right now and I’m not sure exactly what the path is, but I know that there is a path and it is being shown to me.

There is a part of me that would just love to say F* it and go live on a mountaintop somewhere and not have any worries or responsibilities.  However, the truth of the matter is that we always have responsibilities and we always have cares and worries.  I think I’m still feeling jealous because even though on paper I have the better life, it seems that John has the less stressed life as he just gets to live on government funding in North Carolina while I have to work my ass off to keep moving forward.  In my perfect world, I’d spend all day doing research and writing, but I don’t live in my perfect world and I need to pay the bills.  I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working to figure things out.  At the end of the day, that is really all I can do.

What my intuition is also telling me about this card is that I need to make some time to actively search for my right path.  I need to make some time where I can let go of all the weirdness and all the work and just go within.

Gratitudes

Cam was accepted into the English program

Cindy is looking forward to our meeting

I am feeling a little better

Yummy Greek potatoes

Good Steering Committee

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November 20, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Experiencing conflict between logic and intuition,  battle between head and heart remains unsolved

Guidance:  You have to decide, lock on the decision and decide, pretending it isn’t there, won’t make it go away

Journaling

I’ve made my decision.  I’m going to manifest a relationship with X.  I know the risks an I know the potential hurt, but I’m ready to move forward.  Life is not without risk and pain and unless I embrace this fully, it will not happen.  No more wimpy magick that says or something better.  There is no something better.  He is who I want and that’s that.  And I’m not going to focus on the downsides or how it will play out, I’m going for it.

November 25, 2017 Review

Making a decision to truly commit and go for it is a little difficult, but I’m ready.  I’ve been working on letting go of all the excuses I’ve come up with for it not working and I’m done making excuses.

I am worthy and I deserve happiness.

November 9, 2018 Review

I’m realizing that it truly is because I am worthy and deserve happiness that the relationship with X did not happen.  I’m realizing that at the end of the day, a relationship between us would not have worked.  While he lives in my work world, he doesn’t live in my spiritual world and that just wouldn’t work.  I’ve realized that while I was not the desperate divorcee that became a barfly, I was desperate in my own way and chased someone that would have been equally bad for me because I was lonely and had no self esteem.  Now that I am truly valuing myself,  I’m realizing that it is better to be alone than in a relationship that wouldn’t work. 

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April 19, 2017

Deck;  Herbal tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Make a decision

Book:  Beginning of a new cycle.  Integrating logic and intuition.  Tranquility and balance.  Deception and being blind to deception

Guidance:  Guard against indecision.  Listen to heart’s wisdom.  Make the decision

Affirmation:  I make decisions

Journaling

I’m not sure how to read this card. It could be about someone being indecisive about a decision or about making bad choices.  

Don’t drown in a sea of emotions, just take the day as it comes.  Use logic as well as intuition. The problem right now is your inability to receive love.  It is hard for you to open your heart and trust.  Let go of the shield.

January 15, 2022 Revisit

On the messages about letting down the shields and receiving.  This is still really hard for me to do as I often assume that people have ulterior motives.  However, I will say that loving Luke broke my heart wide open.  I loved that boy so much as he was so loving and he seemed to know exactly when I needed him.  I also love Wendy and she is such a reminder to love myself because she and I share some of my least favorable characteristics:  big, loud, bossy, snores, etc.  However, the more I love her, the more than I know I should love myself.

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October 12, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance:  Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now.  I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn’t what I want.  I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago.  I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here.  For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week. 

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it.  I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018 Review

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago.  For the longest time, I’ve chosen to stay with one foot in each city.  However, I’m realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back.  I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind.  he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go.  Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago. 

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May 19, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Air

First Impressions:  Soft still voice, stillness, being connected, choosing to listen

Journaling:

This card is about stillness and listening to guidance.  It is about having those small voices whispering in my ear.  Interesting as I am finally starting to realize that unless things change X and I cannot have a relationship of equals.  He loves rescuing and being the knight in shining armor.  I don’t know if he is capable of having a relationship with equals as he has spent his life rescuing women.  he liks to be in that position and when I am really honest with myself, I realize that the times when we were closest were when he was rescuing me.  

I don’t know if we ever really had an equal relationship or if it has always been an unequal relationship.  I’ve always tried to talk myself out of recognizing his chauvinism, but I know it is there.  The small still voice is telling me to walk away.

August 19, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Coins

First Impressions:  I love the cornucopia as it truly gives the sense of plenty.  I don’t like the fact that there are no people on this card as it is about a sense of plenty and a sense of family.

Book:  Prosperity, benign wealth, secure home life, inheritance and family, settled ways, riches, house, property

Guidance:   Count your blessings

Journaling:

The biggest blessing in my life is my family.  Together we take care of each other and try to help each other get through the day.  It isn’t always easy and sometimes we don’t get along.  But it is really nice to have people in my life who actually care about me and are there for me.  

I am also incredibly grateful for the Covid vaccine.  I got sick, but I know that it would have been so much worse if I hadn’t been vaccinated.  Even though I got the hacking coughs a couple of times, I know that I literally could have died if it wasn’t for the vaccine.  

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and I tested positive for Covid.  I saw those two little dread lines come up and I knew it was going to be a sucky PTO.

Weather:  It was rainy off and on all day.  I sat outside for a while, but it was mostly rainy and the dogs didn’t even really want to go out.  I was also sick so I rested off and on all day.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:37 / 8:21

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 July 12, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This is an odd card for the Ten of Pentacles as most TOP cards are all about family and about both love and money.

Book:  Wealth, success, security, generations, contribution, content

Guidance:   Celebrate gratitude for all the paths that have brought you to this place of blessing

Journaling:

I love the reminder to celebrate gratitude.  When I look at all the blessings I have had in my life, I have to count even the shitty people and shitty situations as blessings as I have learned something from every person I have encountered.  Some of them, like Bitch M, reflect my younger and less informed self.  Others, like John, represent different points of view and different ways of thinking.  However, all of them have helped me learn something.  

I’m also grateful for the fact that I can provide for my family and make sure they have a nice home, food to eat, etc.  I have truly been blessed in my life and even though the difficult times, I’ve had blessings.  I was actually thinking about that this week and about how much having money makes life easier.  When I travel, I know that if I get stuck all I have to do is pull out the credit card and I will have a place to stay and food to eat.  That makes life so much easier.

Where I’m At:  I woke up in KC and had to drive to Trenton.  I slept so deeply after my crappy travel day, but I had the weirdest dream.  Puck from Glee literally shitting on me.  And then I woke up and got shit on as the Incompetent B. told the Evil M that he needed something from me so the Evil M could not tell me what he needed.  She had to set up a meeting to insert herself in the process.  However, I fixed that and gave him what he needed and cut her out of the loop.  Then I sent a passive aggressive email that made him see the error of his ways in telling her something instead of telling me directly.   However, I might end up paying for it when Glenn gets back.

Weather:  It’s hot and muggy

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 98

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 / 8:45

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May 18, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Family, security, having enough, people who love you

Book:  Stability, rooted, strong community

Guidance: Rooted and tended, the fruits appear

Journaling:

This is an interesting card to pull today as Glenn and I talked and he asked some really weird questions about when I’d be ready to roll of Intelex and I finally just asked him if he was planning to move me to another role and he said he wasn’t planning to, but someone above Brian’s head was.  By the questions he was asking, it seemed as if the job might be in Arizona and I had to think about whether or not I would move and the answer was no.  I like where I live and I don’t really want to move for a company.  I’ve also never been when of those people who just randomly moves where the company tells me to move.  That’s never been my style.  There has to be something in it for me.  

I know the kids and I are talking about moving, but that will be a place of our choosing and not somewhere I’m ordered to move to.  I’m just not into moving where the company tells you to go.  My life is mine and work is only about the dollas!

Where: I went into the office today as Candies wanted us at a meeting so I went in for an hour, but since Tiffany was in the office, we hung out and it was overall a good day.  Then I came home and hung out.  

Weather:  It was a little chilly and cold today, but not bad

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 92%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:02 /8:42

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May 11, 2020

The ten of earth for me is a reminder to be grateful for all of the blessings that I have in the physical realm.  It is a reminder to be grateful for my home, my family, my dogs, and all the things that I have been blessed with.  It is also a good reminder that as Tosha Silver says, “It’s not my money,” because in reality it all comes from the source and it really doesn’t belong to me.   What I’ve been finding as I get deeper into a life of prosperity consciousness is that I’m a lot less fearful and life seems to flow.  I know there are some that would say that it is easy for me to be grateful and let life flow because I have a lot of physical assets and that’s true.  However, there have also been times in my life when I’ve been broke and it seemed like the harder I held onto money the more it slipped through my fingers.  When I was able to let go and trust Higher Power that I would be taken care of,  life flowed.

The other piece of the ten of earth is that it is a connection to all who have gone before.  I think sometimes those of us who have grown up without the best familial role models dislike cards connect us to our families.  However, that is limited thinking as the reality is that our families are really all those who have gone before and we need to remember that our ancestors go back to those who we know and came remember.  When I expand my view, I’m reminded that I can take guidance from my immediate ancestors, but also other role models.  Frida Kahlo is one of my role models and when I look to my ancestors, I can look to her strength as a feminine role model. 

My oracle card for the day was Taking Shelter which is all about pulling my energy inward and creating shelter within my own surroundings.  It’s also a pretty appropriate card to draw right now as we are all sheltering in place.

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August 24, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  sixties dance club, abandon

Book:  Journey through the physical realm

Guidance:  Experience Ecstasy through a journey through the physical realm

Journaling

This is an interesting interpretation of the ten of pentacles, but it sort of makes sense as the ten does represent the culmination of the journey.  When I look at it as a journey, I realize it is about accepting the blessings that are offered and making the most of them.  For me, I’ve learned that the money and the stuff are not the be all and end all, they are the things that ease the journey and I don’t want to give them up, but they are not important in and of themselves.  I’m very happy that I have a home and nice things because they are a way to provide for my family, but in and of themselves they don’t matter that much.  The unfortunate thing is that some people use money as a way to keep score and they become miserable in wanting to accumulate more and more, but money in and of itself is not that important.

Money is what lets us take care of the people that we love and that lets us have some freedom.  There are people who believe that money isn’t important, but I don’t believe that either because money lets us do things and lets us live a more comfortable life.  I know that we are living a better life because I make more money, but money is important because it lets us do that and not as a measurement itself.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that money is a tool and not an end to itself.

The other piece about this card that is important is the aspect of family and of having people around you to share what you have.  For me, that is my kids, but for Lisa on this card it is her dance group.  Either way, it is about having people in your life who you trust and who are there for you.

Gratitudes:

I’m grateful for sleeping late

I’m grateful for hanging out with Cam

I’m grateful for Wendy & Clark learning to walk well

I’m grateful I have a house to live in and money to pay my bills

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Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:   Peace, contentment, magic

Book:  Satisfaction of having all our needs met, celebrate abundance with friends and loved ones, everyday life contains magic

Guidance:  Think about your legacy, honor the everyday magic

Journaling

I love the reminder to honor the everyday magic in the world.  I think so often we get caught up in thinking about special occasions and about big trips, that we forget about the magic in perfect strawberries, or laughing with our families.  For me, learning to appreciate the magic in everyday has come from learning to live an inward focused life instead of an outward focused life.  My life is about me and I’m good enough just the way that I am.  I don’t need to live in a perfect house, have a perfect job, or have a perfect mate to be worthy of good stuff (love, money, etc,).  I am truly perfect just the way I am and I deserve to be happy.  Getting to that point has taken a hell of a lot of work, but now that I’m here I can really appreciate MY life without comparing it to anyone else’s.

Cam and I went to Macy’s yesterday as I was looking for a new phone wallet and the song “Dance with Somebody who loves me” came on and I was dancing with Cam.  That was a huge moment for me because instead of the song making me sad and reminding me that I don’t have that one someone in my life, it made me happy because I do have people in my life who love me and are there for me.  That was huge for me in just accepting that love that is in my life.  And today, we went to Lakewood and went to the Beach Cliffs park and we just sat and watched the waves, it wasn’t a huge big event, but it made us both happy.

I’m realizing that the true point of life is about being happy and being comfortable in your own skin.  I’m also incredibly happy that I’m finally at that point in my life where I am able to be comfortable in my own skin.

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Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Stability, happy and prosperous home

Book:  This could relate to family matters.  This card is about getting what you want and reveling in it

Guidance:  Appreciate what you have, keep plugging away

Journaling

This is an interesting card and I’m not sure how to read it. What my heart is telling me is that this represents a happy and successful love relationship.  I’m currently a 9 of pentacles, a single and successful woman, but this card brings in that loving partnership that I desire.  This card is about the culmination and the partnership.

However,looking at it this way makes me feel something in my life is lacking and there really isn’t.  Overall, I’m happy and it is nice to be able to make decisions on my own.  It could also mean that family issues are coming to a head.  Could it be something to do with Charlene?  That s also a possibility and that’s more shit I don’t want to deal with.

I guess I just need to let go and see what happens because the reality is that until I know more, there is nothing I can do.

December 27, 2018

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past year is that family comes in all shapes and sizes and that the most important aspects are love, happiness, and stability.  I feel like over the past eight years, the kids and I have really built a happy and stable home where everyone feels safe.  I’m not messing around and delaying getting home because I don’t want to deal with his anger and rage.  His anger and depression were a thing onto themselves and they really fueled the energy in the home.  It always felt like pins and needles walking in the door and I never knew what kind of reaction I was going to get.

Now, I know that there isn’t all the anger and hate and rage.  Sometimes the energy at home gets kind of wonky, but mostly it is calm and peaceful.  I like coming home and knowing that I am safe.  Living with John, I never knew if I was going to be safe.  There was sure to be some kind of putdown or anger. 

The day I really knew how much he was negatively impacting me was the day before his heart attack.  He was downtown on his mini vacation and I was out doing my own thing.  The thing I remember about that day is how free and happy I felt because I knew that I was going home to a safe space because he wasn’t there to put me down and hurt me.  At first I felt guilty when he had his heart attack, but I’ve realized that there is nothing for me to feel guilty about.  He brought this all on himself and I don’t need to feel guilty about not wanting to be around someone who was angry and abusive.
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Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Wealth, stability

Book:  Wisdom accumulated from families, passing on wisdom

Guidance:  Listen to what ancestors have to say

Journaling

Sometimes I am so jealous of people who have big families as it means having people you can rely on in your life and I don’t really have anyone I can rely on.  STOP!  I am done with that message that the line of thinking that keeps me not trusting anyone and keeps me locked in a solitary prison of my own creation.  There are people who will support me and care for me.  I just have to put down my shields and let people in.  I have to trust.  Part of my being able to trust is keeping myself focused on the page.  I do so much better when I am kamikazi personal growth mode because I am continuing to batter down the doors.  It is when I stop journaling and stop making time for me that I struggle.   Big groups are difficult for me because I struggle when I do not get enough time alone.  I just need to focus on the things that help me grow.

December 25, 2018

It’s funny because I was thinking about the topic of having a kamikazi approach to life this week and I realized that it is not just my personal growth that I take that approach to, it is everything.  And I cannot do that with everything in my life or I burn myself out.  I’ve realized that I need to find the balance that is right for me in life.  For me, that is about 75 percent time alone to do my own thing and about 25 percent of the time with people.  Any more people time than that and I am unhappy and cranky.  I also know that for me one on one time or small groups works better than big groups.  I feel lost in big groups.

I think the bottom line is that I need an approach that works for me.  When I try an approach that works for others, it might not work for me.

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Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Ten of Earth Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Ten of Earth

First Impressions:  My first impressions of Ala are that she is stiff and statue like and is not interacting with her people. She also is very much a goddess of fertility with the prominent breasts and the design painted on her stomach.

Book:  Kin and Kind, living and dead are all part of one another, totality of the earth in all its variety and appearances, Goddess of morality and judgement, keeper of customs and laws.

Guidance:  Let relationships go as needed, do not seek vengeance, celebrate good fortune, celebrate those whose work you admire, keep and renew your relationship with the earth

Journaling:

This reading hits where I’m at today about the need to let go of people without vengeance.  It is about shedding the ties that no longer should be binding us.  My tie to John is a big one as he hurt me badly.  I had an interesting dream last night.  I dreamed we were sleeping together and he made an amorous advance.  Initially, I responded to him, but then my dream rewound and I asked him if he loved me or if I was just convenient.  When he didn’t respond, I knew everything I needed to know.  This helped me to realize that our issues were not all about me and that he really does see women as objects.

January 20, 2018

As I read this, I’m realizing that my relationship with the earth also needs to include my relationship with my body.  This was an incredibly hard week and I lost my connection to both the earth and myself.  I spent most of my week in my head dealing with issues and lost track of the world around me.  I didn’t make time to go to the ocean or to ground myself and I’m paying the price.  This week may be just as insane, but I need to make time to ground and take care of myself.

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November 30, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Ten of Pentacles, reversed

Keywords / Impressions:  Loss of assets, lost of stability

Book:  Holding on to things you have no use for, disenfranchised and outside the system, unconventional

Guidance:  Norms be damned, be unconventional

Journaling

I’m reading this card as closing myself off to receiving blessings.  My intuition tells me at a deep soul level that a relationship with someone loving would be amazing, but I’m closing myself off and shutting that door because I’m afraid.  I’m terrified of meeting someone and getting close to them, then having them reject me.  This would be even more devastating if it was someone I was already friends with and I lost their friendship as well as their love.  I need to let go of these fears and open my heart and that is the hardest flipping thing I’ve ever done.

Update 11/07/17

After a year of receiving messages from the cards and my guides that I need to open my heart and be willing to take a risk, I think I’m finally ready to do that.  I’m embarking on a year of love to focus on opening myself up to love.  More about this in another post.

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November 4, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card: Ten of pentacles, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Focus on love and emotional ties over vanity and status

Book:  Emotional loss, loss of belongings, home life is not fulfilling, no sense of fulfillment

Guidance:  Focus on love, be open

Journaling

This was a good reminder that it isn’t all about money.  it is important to focus on emotional fulfillment as well as financial fulfillment.  I think we did that by going out to dinner and having a nice evening out.  The carriage ride was the icing on the cake and it was awesome to learn about our city from someone who really gets it.

May 27, 2018

I’m realizing that like with all things there needs to be a balance between money and emotions.  I always thought that John and I were happy, but I’m realizing that being poor kept us together.  We were both so worried about being broke, that it was easier to stay together than to contemplate being single and broke.  The house was what truly broke us apart because we really could not afford it and it exposed all of the cracks in our relationship.

Interestingly enough, I’m making so much more money now and I feel so much more secure than I did when I had to rely on John to pay his half of the bills.  He was never very reliable and deep down inside I knew it, but I kept lying to myself about his reliability and I kept believing his lies.  I remember when we were really struggling and he kept refusing to get a job.  Or when he had a job and he quit because he didn’t like it and didn’t do anything to get a new one.

Looking back, I realize that he was suffering anxiety and depression then, but he refused to admit it.  He was so much better at self medicating than facing his problems and doing what needed to be done.  Even though I know that he was depressed and struggling, it is still hard for me to feel compassion for him because he chose not to do the right thing and he chose to make us all pay for his depression. 

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

August 17, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card.  The colors are amazing and I love how there are giant multidirectional orbs instead of wheels

Book:  Momentum, success, Triumphal progress, victory, conquest, motion, efficiency and control, overcoming, greatness achieved

Guidance:   Vanquishing Resistance

Journaling:

I love this card and the momentum that it speaks of.  I’m not sure why the job thing and the move thing seem to be moving along, and they could both fall apart.  I haven’t actually done magick for a new job, but I have been working hard on the PhD piece and I wonder if these new developments are part of that magick.  All I know is that I have to keep saying yes where it makes sense.  That doesn’t mean I need to be stupid about the house, but I will keep asking good questions and see where it leads me.  Maybe this is meant to be and maybe it isn’t, but I’m going to keep asking good questions and trusting my gut and we’ll see where it goes.

The Chariot is actually one of my favorite cards as it is about forward movement and for me it has always been about controlling my emotions.  I have to be honest and say that I’m having some second thoughts about moving and taking Wendy. What if I move by someone who hates pit bulls or tries to poison my baby?  I would fucking kill anyone who attacked or tried to hurt Wendy.  She is my baby.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today.  We had our MOR today and the best part of it was getting to shut M down.  She was nattering on about something like she normally does and I just called for the timekeeper.  It was awesome.

Weather:  It was another beautiful day.  It wasn’t took hot or cold and I spent time hanging outside with the dogs.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 67%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:35 / 8:24

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July 1, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Freedom

First Impressions:  Looking forward, freeing the animals, two moons

Book:  Action, Determination, Success, Willpower

Guidance:   You have the freedom to shape your own reality

Journaling:

I don’t like this card for so many reasons.  The first is that oit doesn’t relate to the traditional meaning of the Chariot at all and while I am okay with people renaming cards and coming up with their own meanings, I believe they should be close to the traditional meaning.  There is an order and purpose to the cards and when you alter that, it causes problems.

I also struggle with shaping my own reality.  I think there are things I can do to change my reality, I”ve learned that you can’t totally create your own reality as there are systematic forces at play.  In some ways, we are just as entrapped as people have been for millions of years.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting on the couch at home with the doggos hanging out.  It’s been a pretty good day.  I went out earlier and picked up fish from a fish fry that J from work was participating in and it was so nice to meet him in person and to just hang out and talk. 

Weather:  It was super hot earlier today and I got overexhausted hanging out outside because it was hot.  However, now it is raining and Wendy is whining to go out, but then refusing because it is wet.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 5%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:54 / 9:05

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March 29, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Beautiful sunset / sunrise, balancing, black and white, magick

Book:  Determination, victory, speed, and action, being in control

Guidance:   You are gifted with the opportunity to become more

Journaling:

This is an interesting card because it feels like all I’m being gifted with lately is the opportunity to work with assholes.  YMAN decided to be a total dick this morning as we were doing a review of NCR and he decided to get pissy because no one consulted him about what the new processes would look like.  It really wasn’t any of his business so why would we consult him?  He’s now escalated it even though he was told by a VP that he needed to back down.

The company I work for is one of the most toxic places I’ve ever worked because it is all about being nice and the assholes that work here use that to their advantage as they jut tromp all over everyone else because they know there will be no backlash.  Well the thing is that I need to stay for 13 more months, then I’m leaving.  I can’t deal with the toxicity anymore.  My goal for the next year is to do an adequate job and leave as soon as I am vested.  It might be difficult, but I just have to not let the toxicity sink me.  I think I need to develop a cleansing ritual.  And if Sean gets a first shift job, I’m going to move my office upstairs so that I can shut the door and be done with it.

Where: I’m at home and it is almost 8 pm.  My work day was weird, but now I’m chilling out at home with the doggos

Weather:  It was crisp and cold outside today, but almost all the snow is melted so that’s a positive.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 9

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am / 7:49 pm

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February 23, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance, Magick, on the right path, looking forward

Book:  Determination, victory, speed, action, harnessing opposing forces, travel, confidence, being in control

Guidance:   Take action and manifest what you want

Journaling:

This is an interesting thing to reflect upon because I set out to manifest a salary of $150K a year and I was a few hundred dollars short of that last year, but when I add in the couple hundred I got from Metro for participating in the study, I hit it almost exactly right on.  However, I’m not happy.  I feel like I have become the person I never wanted to be, working for a huge company, and being a wage slave.  However, I really really like my paycheck.  I want to do good with my life, but I also need my paycheck to make ends meet.  

Maybe those are my two horses:  the need for money and the need to do good.  I don’t know how to reconcile the two because I’ve gotten myself into a bind and need to make what I do in order to pay my bills, but I’m bored with what I do.  I don’t know what the solution is, but maybe I need to put it out there to manifest.  I will give some thought to what it is I truly want and see what I can manifest.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting on the couch at home with Clark curled up next to me.  It’s a fairly peaceful day and I’m working through work stuff.  It’s funny, it’s one of those days where I don’t have a lot of meetings, but I feel like I don’t want to work through the backlog.  Sometimes, it feels I get so much more done when I don’t have enough time.

Weather:   It’s cold today with the highs only expected to get to the low 20s.

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter 55%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:10 am/ 6:10 pm

March 29, 2022 Revisit

I like the idea of the two horses as the need to do good and the need to make money.  My challenge is to figure out how to balance the two.  As I reflect on this, I think the piece that I’m missing is that the need to make money isn’t bad and doesn’t make me a bad person.  Right now I need to make the salary that I’m making.  I also need to remember that if I leave before next May I won’t be vested in my retirement and that’s important.  And neither of those things make me a bad person.

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Moving forward, keeping your eye on the prize

Book:  Card of movement and victory, symbol for a journey of self discovery and worldly ambition

Guidance:  You are well on your way to achieving your ambition, keep up momentum

Journaling:

It’s funny but when I travel for my own reasons, I feel like I’m able to let go of all the things that are weighing me down and am able to focus on who I really am at my core.  Being someplace else away from my stuff and all the weirdness of everyday life, really helps me to focus on what matters to me and on who I am at my core.  Being here in the woods with the dogs and Cam makes life simpler and I can focus on the beauty that is all around me and on the fact that a lot of the stuff that I do on a day to day basis doesn’t matter so much.  What matters is learning, loving, and being true to myself.

The question for me is how to get to a life where I can live my essence every day and not have to deal with all the weirdness and ugliness that comes with my day to day life.  How do I get to be the introvert that I am at my core instead of the extrovert that I pretend to be in my day to day life?  How do I get to where I can focus on what matters to me instead of what matters to other people?  How can I get to the point where I am truly me and not who everyone else thinks that I am?  I don’t have the answers to those questions, but I know that if I keep asking those questions and keep being true to myself, I will find the answers.  In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy hanging out in the woods, cooking hot dogs over a fire, and just being true to my own nature.

I chose the chariot because it is a symbol of moving forward and it is a way to blaze a trail from where I am and who I am to who I want to be.  I don’t yet know how to get there, but I will figure it out.  I also chose the chariot because it reminds me of Clark’s reaction to the Amish buggies and how astonished he was to see a “big hoof dog” pulling a cart.  The look on his face was so priceless and that’s a memory that I will cherish.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Staying on an even keel, maintaining emotional control

Book:  Journey of personal growth, challenge of self mastery, intense confidence and determination

Guidance:  Balance your inner and outer realities and maintain equilibrium

Journaling

The chariot has always been about emotional control for me since I first start reading the tarot.  It always felt as if my mind was one of the horses and it wanted to go straight ahead down the path of logic and the other horse was my wild emotional horse that threatened to derail me.  It has only been recently that I’ve learned to have some emotional control and not break down at the slightest little thing.  Being a consultant has been really good for me in that arena because when you are standing in front of a room and people are throwing hard questions at you, you need to be able to play it cool and not break down. 

The other thing I’m realizing is that it is much easier to have emotional control when you are in an emotionally stable environment.  Living in the emotional tinderbox that was my marriage meant that every spare ounce of energy I had went to just surviving and to catering to John’s emotional needs to try to keep him on an even keel.  There was no energy to tend to my own emotional needs or the emotional needs of the kids.  His temper and his victim mentality were a big black cloud over every house we lived in and that made it so hard.

Emotional control still is not easy for me and there are days I really have to think my way out of situations and remind myself that whatever is happening isn’t permanent and that I do not have to react to every little thing that happens.  I’m learning to be much better at responding instead of reacting and that has helped me so much in maintaining emotional stability.  A lot of times by the time I have calmed down and really thought things through, I don’t even feel the need to respond because the emotional storm has passed.

In a lot of ways, emotions really are like storms because they can come out of no where with the least little thing setting them off and they generally pass.  Sometimes I need to look at my emotions and work to take care of them, but other times I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that this too shall pass.

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March 28, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Pulled two directions, controlling one’s emotions

Book:  Directed and controlled energy, clear road to hopes and dreams

Guidance:  Use your mind and your heart to be successful, give it your best shot, do what you can

Journaling:

There is so much to think about with the Chariot.  My gut instinct react to this card is always about controlling my emotions and keeping them in check.  This is so true for me because I have been vulnerable lately and I’ve let the negative voices in my head get the best of me.  Everything I don’t do perfectly, I’ve magnified.  When I think about our presentation, I did a good job.  I was articulate, I made my points, and I did a good job.  It is not my fault that our presentation was a mishmash and it is not my fault that other people convoluted testing and training.  None of that is my fault.  I can only control me.  Everything else is outside of my purview.  I provide my input and if people choose not to listen, there is nothing that I can do about it.  I cannot control the universe.

I think I need to have that tattooed on my forehead because I continually forget.  I also need to quit taking everything so personally.  It’s not personal.  I know that part of the reason that I do this is that all I have in life is work.  I need to expand my horizons and make work a part of my life instead of my whole life.  I need to pray for guidance and figure out how to go from here to there.

December 25, 2018 Revisit

There’s lots of juicy stuff in this card.  One of the things I’m taking away as I re-read what I wrote and as I meditate on the chariot is about the importance of staying in my lane and I do that by not getting distracted by the things that are outside of the lines that I cannot control.  I cannot cDeontrol the shit my mother says, but I can control whether or not I listen to it.  I cannot control how other people do their presentations, but I can control whether I take ownership or not.

As I’m meditating on this card, I’m realizing that it is a card of self control.  It is a card that is saying I can drive forward or I can choose to be distracted.

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November 5, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Moving forward, forward momentum

Book:  Card of victory, immense power and focus of the woman’s mind

Guidance:  Willpower and control, recognize your own strength and ability to maintain order in the midst of chaos

Journaling

I love the message of this card.  I love being reminded that I am strong and capable and that I can accomplish so much more than I think I can.  I sometimes get so caught up in listening to the voices of my past that I don’t make time for my future.

I can and do accomplish great things.

This is a year for turning my focus inward and achieving things for myself and not for everyone else.  Sometimes I get so caught up in taking care of others that I forget to take care of me.  This year is all about self love and self care.

November 20, 2017 Revisit

I’m being challenged this year to set boundaries for others.  M could consume me if I chose to let her.  I have to trust that even though she has bipolar she is strong and capable.  As long as I see no signs that she is manic, I need to let her make her own mistakes, but that is a really hard thing to do.

October 26, 2018 Revisit

The past year has been difficult and amazing.  It is almost a year later and we are still dealing with the affects of her assault.  Even though in a lot of ways she is stronger, she still gets scared and afraid sometimes.  However, because I’ve been better at managing boundaries in all of my life, I have been so much better about being able to be present for her and to really be there when she needs me.   A lot of that has to do with being able to be present for myself and to really value myself. 

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May 17, 2017

Deck:  Gaian Spirit Tarot

Card Name:  The Canoe, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Going upstream, disconnected from guides, choosing to go it alone, disconnected from the source

Book:  Energy may be scattered and progress becomes difficult.  Opposing ideas bring conflict.  At what cost does a journey of self discovery come.

Journaling

Again I’m pulling cards about it being hard to find my own path.  This card reversed reminds me of the difficulty of finding my own path.  It seems as if I am in a time where it is hard to determine what I want to do and to follow through.

This is an appropriate card for me on so many levels.  I’m tring to figure out appropriate career path.  Do I want a job where I stay with NTT?  Do I want to have a job where I get together with X or do I let go of hope completely?  What is the right course of action?  There are so many days where I just don’t know which way to turn.

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May 4, 2017

Deck:  The Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  of two minds, keeping emotions in balance

Book:  Harnessing the energy of well-being, Receptive to inner guides, liberated from himself, direction from within

Guidance:  Filter out negative thoughts, use one’s power for good, connect to emotions

Affirmation:  I connect with my inner wisdom

Journaling:

I love the meaning of harnessing my inner power, but lately I don’t feel as if I have much inner power.  I’ve been in a really dark place lately and I think of suicide a lot.  My life is so fucking meaningless and now even work sucks.  I don’t like managing projects and I don’t like working with K. as she micromanages and I’m not thrilled by that.  I’m going to play along so I keep my job, but I hate it.  I could deal with all of that if I wasn’t so lonely.  All I want is a person to come home to.  I love my kids dearly, but I need more.  I need a lover, a husband, and a best friend.  To be honest, I don’t know how much I can hold out and THEY seem to have abandoned me.

Dearest Ones, 

I need love and I need it now.  I cannot continue to go through life so lonely and alone.  I need someone to walk beside me on this path.  I need someone to love me.  I don’t need or want a lot of friends.  I need that someone special to be there in my private space when I shut the door at night.  Please bring this person to me now.

May 5, 2016  Revisit

Today is a little better, but I still want someone to walk with me and love me.  I am ready for love and I have accepted that i need love in my life.

February 10, 2022 Revisit

It is always interesting to read through my old entries, especially ones where I am so depressed.  I’m feeling that way today as well, but reading through old entries where I am depressed gives me home because if I made it through that, I can make it through this.  The past two years have been so difficult as I have alternated between immense pain and feeling numb.  I am lonely and I want someone to laugh with and joke with and I don’t know if I will ever have that in my life.

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September 29, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  The charioteer is male and there is a yin-yang symbol on the chariot.  Instead of horses, the chariot is being pulled by sphinxes.  There are half moons on the charioteers shoulders and his cap looks almost like that of a shriners.  He looks as if he is driving through an arch of stars.  In the background, there is a city.  Reversed this card speaks to me of out of control emotions.

Book:  Be wary of relying too strongly on your own willpower, energy being stuck or damned up, be careful of movements.

Guidance:  Hold your horses, it is not time to move forward.  Change direction

Journaling: 

Interesting card to pull.  This is a card I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on and I’m still not sure what the meaning is for me.

December 23, 2017

The chariot has always spoken to me of emotional control and remaining steady even when there are forces pulling you in two different directions.  I’ve quit reading reversals so if I was reading this card today, I would read it as a reminder to keep my emotions under control and to continue moving forward.

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August 15, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the laurel at the bottom and how you can see the cut stems.  I also love that the sword is through the crown.

Book:  Victory, breakthrough, conquest, a just triumph

Guidance:   Claim your victory

Journaling:

I love this card.  It is absolutely beautiful.  And today feels like a day to seize the day.  I just got the most amazing job offer of my life.  They gave me exactly what I asked for and a big signing bonus.  I am so excited and I’m actually looking forward to starting this job.  It will be so fun to work on integrating a new company.  And it will be big change management, not the small time shit I’ve been doing for the last three years.

I have learned a lot from G, but I’m also learning that while he may encourage people to a certain extent, he seems to just want to collect people and not let people get out from under him.  I deserve so much better.  And I have to admit, it is kinda a bummer to be working for someone who doesn’t even have a bachelor’s.  I have so much more and varied experience than him and I’m done with this job. 

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and feeling like utter garbage.  Sean has covid and I’m worried about him.  He’s not coughing, but is just really lethargic.  I’m just going to keep checking on him.  I did get an amazing offer today and it is really too good to pass up.  I know there is no way that the Bird will match it and I really don’t want them too.  it is an amazing offer and I deserve it.  And the end of the day, the writing seems to be on the wall that Brian is grooming M to take Glenn’s place and there is no way in bloody hell that I will work for her.  

Weather:  The weather has been awesome and it was nice to sit outside.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 85%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:34/8:25

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 May 28 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  At home in the sword.  I love the windows in the shaft of the sword.  It also looks like there are tents in the sword and little men.  There is also a wreath

Book: Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into Right Action

Journaling:

The Ace of Swords for me is always about cutting through bullshit and getting to the heart of the matter.  I’ve always thought of it as cutting through emotional bullshit, but as i reflect on this card I could see it could also be a decluttering card as getting rid of the clutter can help us see a straight path and can help clear out the emotional clutter.  I know that I always feel stuck when there is so much physical clutter around.  I think that is why I love going to hotels because there isn’t so much junk.  I can see clearly and I don’t get distracted by the clutter.  

My goal for the summer is to get the house clean and cut down on the clutter.  Every other Friday we’re going to spend time cleaning.  I’m also going to spend time cleaning during the week.  this week I’ve actually got a lot done and I’m going to keep working on it today.  The problem is that I get so tired so it takes me a while, but if I just keep going bit by bit, I will get it done.

Where: I’m home today and I was actually pretty productive.  I got up early, went to the store, then to the Farmers Market.  I also had a call with Dr. Perkins about my PhD.  Things are not looking good as she thinks that Western won’t start the program up again.  However, I’m okay with that and I am just going to take it one day at a time.

Weather:  It was chilly this morning when I went tot he market, but it started to warm up in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 am / 8:51 Pm

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April 30, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Fighting the good fight, rewards for fighting, cutting through bullshit

Book:  Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into right action

Journaling:

This one makes me chuckle right now as my window is not clear and is covered with duck tape.  I like the thought of clear windows leading to right action.  This tells me that the way to figure out what I want to do in life is to clean out all the clutter so I can see clearly.  Starting next weekend, that’s what my plan is.  I want to get rid of all the physical junk so i can start working on the emotional junk.  

Physically I have been feeling horrible lately and I honestly don’t know if it is emotional clutter, true physical ailments, or something else.  All I know is that I need to get rid of all the junk so I can see my path forward.

Where:  I’m at home today and I am utterly exhausted.  My whole body is achy and it is difficult to even drag myself upright.

Weather:  It is a little chilly out, but it has been nice.

Moon Phase:  Dark Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:22 am / 8:24 PM

May 29th Update

Interesting as I read this that I made the connection between bullshit and clutter last month as well.  I did do some work cleaning out clutter, but there is still work to be done.  I think the thing is that I get totally overwhelmed and it is not only my stuff, it is everyone else’s.  Cam has opened two boxes and just left them where they lay.  She is horrible about that and I don’t know how to make things different.

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March 17, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Fractials, spiral staircase, channeling the wisdom of the universe

Book:  New ideas, clarity, truths revealed, thought, communication

Guidance:   Make use of your mindset tools

Journaling:

I’m sitting here half a sleep and feeling as if my brain will never be truly awake.  It feels as if all my best brain cells go to work.  I have to figure out a way to do my work and get paid, but still have time and energy for the stuff that matters.  I think I need to consider starting to exercise again.  I have been a couch potato lately and I have the feeling that that is part of the reason I have no energy.  I also don’t get out of the house a lot so I’m breathing in dander filled air.  

I realize that I spend a lot of time living in my brain and not living an embodied life.  I need to work to build that mind body connection so that both are strong.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting on the couch before work.  Wendy is mad because Sean is gone and she 

Weather: It is beautiful out.  It’s bright and sunny

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:35 am / 7: 35 pm

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September 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reaching for the stars

Book: Something is ready to ignite, beginning of a new phase

Guidance: Trust your innovative ideas

Journaling

This is an interesting card to have chosen for today is because one of the realizations I’ve come to is that if I am truly serious about building a life outside of the 9 to 5, I need to take actions to market myself and become a trusted resource for people in the tarot community.  I also have to give back by attending conferences and speaking if I feel called to do so.  The shift that is happening inside my soul is that I’m realizing that I do have something to give back and I do have something to talk about.  Up until recently, I’ve felt as if I didn’t have anything to say that matters, but that is starting to change as I realize that I do have a lot of wisdom to offer other people.

Some of the ways that I need to start marketing myself include posting my daily draw on Facebook on a regular basis, using instagram, and speaking at conferences.  The first two I’m struggling with as it feels as if I’m using my relationships to sell stuff.  However, when I sit back and look at things objectively, I realize that’s not the case.  I am posting something that people may or may not be interested in.  If they are not interested, then they don’t have to read it.  And by the same token, if people are not interested in what I post on Instagram, they don’t have to read it.  I’m just posting the message and that’s easier for me to do than to actively solicit business.  I think “selling” gives me a bad taste in my mouth because I have tried to sell books and other things before and I haven’t been successful as it seemed like more work went in to selling than into being creative. 

What I’m taking as the message from this card is that things will ignite, I just have to trust the pathway that I’m going down.  This is also another one of those cards that speaks to trust and trust is something I’ve historically had a lot of issues with as it is really hard for me to trust people.  I feel like the underlying message for me with this card is to trust the universe.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for dinner with the kids

I’m grateful for snuggling on the couch with the doggos

I’m grateful for laughing with Cam

I’m grateful for spending time taroting

I’m grateful for yummy beans and rice

I’m grateful for my peaceful home

I’m grateful for time spent reading and reflecting this morning

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Discerning, cutting away what no longer serves

Book:  Truth, Yoni as gateway to powers of the sword, Inspiration, insight, and keen intellect, double edged sword

Guidance:  Rationally analyze situations to make good decisions, commit yourself to the truth

Journaling:

I chose to write about the Ace of Swords today because for me this card symbolizes cutting away what is no longer needed.  I view it as a giant pair of scissors that cut away attachments that tangle us up and serve no purpose.  As summer is here, this card could also be viewed as a big pair of pruning sheers cutting away dead wood so that what is left behind can grow and find the sunlight.  Unfortunately, pruning the dead wood out of our lives is not as easy as pruning dead branches, because all too often the dead wood is relationships that have outlived their usefulness or that are strangling us.

My separation (2010) and divorce (2011) not only cleared away the dead wood of a marriage that was strangling me and causing me to become an angry and bitter person, they also illuminated the root of the problem which was an unhealthy relationship with my mother.  I realized that she had raised me to be a doormat and put everyone else’s needs above mine.  When I wanted to go to a writer’s conference and my now ex was going to watch the kids, she asked me if he was okay with that.  When I was chosen to go to a class at work, she said he should go because he worked in IT and I didn’t.  And what caused the final rift was when I told her John and I had separated and she asked how everyone else was, except me. She never once asked how I was feeling or if I was okay.  It was all about everyone else.  Then she had the audacity to say, “There’s not going to be a divorce, is there?”  It did not matter to her that I was crushed and devastated, all she cared about was everyone else’s feelings and about social standing.  That was a moment of truth for me and at that moment it felt as if a flashlight was illuminating my entire relationship with my mother and I realized how she had hurt me.

Cutting your mother out of my life was difficult because there was a part of me that felt guilty and as if maybe I was overreacting, but when she guilt tripped me on my 50th birthday and refused to even consider that my feelings might be valid, I realized I had made the right choice.  However, knowing intellectually you’ve made the right choice and knowing in your heart you’ve made the right choice are two different things.  There are so many moments in my life where I want a mom to be there for me and to listen to me and to help me figure things out, but I don’t have that mother in my life.  It hurts sometimes and there are times I Google estranged parents online to see if there is anything else I can do to heal the rift, but there’s nothing.  At the end of the day, if she refuses to acknowledge her part in the rift there is nothing I can do.   I’ve also pondered if I could have a more superficial relationship with my mother, but I also know that that wouldn’t work because anytime I told her she that a topic was off limits, she would pout.  It still hurts, but I also know that I’m in a healthier place because she is not in my life.

I’m also working to apply the sword of truth to other people in my life and over the past week I’ve realized that I need to cut a friend out of my life who was my rock during my divorce.  As I sat and listened to him complain about how people had teased him, I realized he was being a hypocrite and the teasing he’d endured was no worse than what he had dished out to me.  The worst was when I fell and got a serious concussion.  He told a coworker that I was drunk and wearing high heels when it happened.  And when I protested, he said I was being too sensitive.  As I look back at the incident, I realize I was in no way being too sensitive.  It would have been one thing to say that to me in a teasing manner, but to say that to someone else was out of line.  I reminded him of that and he chuckled as if it was no big deal.  I realized that our friendship wasn’t going to work any longer because I’ve grown and changed and I no longer accept disrespect in my life.

Exercise:

Visualize the toxic people who are holding you back and see the ribbons of energy that are attaching you to those people.  Pull out your great big sword of truth or a big pair of shiny pruning sheers and virtually cut those energetic ties.  Once you’ve got the times, take a moment to thank them for whatever lessons they’ve brought to your life and let them go.  For some relationships, you may have to do this exercise multiple times, but eventually you will know that the cords have been cut.

May 29, 2022 Update

Wow!  I had forgotten about how B. responded after I got my concussion.  That was a total jackass thing to do and there is no way in hell I was too sensitive about how he behaved.  He was being a jackass and there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  That was a horrible thing to do and to say.  I deserve better than that.

December 21, 2017

Ace of Air Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Ace of Air

First Impressions:  The first impressions of Nemesis are not positive.  I get the impression that she is pointing at someone and giving them unsolicited advice or shaming them.  However, she isn’t waving her sword around so I guess unsolicited advice is better than the alternative.  I do love the colors on this card as the gold of her tunic is a slightly lighter color than the gold of the field.  The ace of swords always tells me that this is about cutting through bullshit.

Book:  The first step in discernment:  Perceive what exists.  Grants the knowledge of what is right and good.  Enforcing the limits beyond one which one should not perceive.

Guidance:  Apply objectivity to achieve clarity, mediate your ego, stay nimble, moderate your sacrifice.

Journaling:

I like the reminders in this card.  It is more guidance to stay in the middle path.  I also have to be objective.  I know this who reorganization is nt about me at all, but my ego is feeling shuffled to the side so I’m a tad annoyed that I have to let go of my feelings.  No!  I don’t need to let go, I need to acknowledge.

December 28, 2017

I have grown so much in the last year and I am so much better about not making it all about me.  Okay, that’s not exactly true, I do tend to make it all about me, but then I talk myself off the ledge and I see things more rationally.  Watching yourself grow up is a pretty cool experience!

November 17, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Cut through the bullshit

Book:  Gift of the sword is intellect, powerful and dangerous words can heal or hurt

Guidance:  Use the gift of thought well, to see the world clearly, to communicate well, be aware of having a sharp tongue

Journaling

I love the meaning of this card and the reminder that logic can cut both ways.  I can think my way into  box when I only look at cold, hard facts.  I have learned that to see the whole picture, I have to use both logic and emotion. 

My brain tells me that it will never happen and that I should move on.  My heart tells me a different story.  My heart tells me it will happen and I need to continue to believe.  For now, I’m going to continue to believe my heart. 

November 20, 2017

The ace of swords cuts through bullshit.  This is a great card to pull when life seems murky and there is a need to step back and review.  This is also a great card to pull when you need to cut ties with someone.

November 8, 2018

Interesting read on this card as it is about using logic and about cutting ties.  I’m finally at that place where I’m ready to cut ties.  My feelings for him served a very useful purpose in my life, but I’m finally feeling strong enough to move on and be my own self.  If I put as much love and energy into my life as i do into that pursuit, I will have a kick ass life.

November 18, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First impressions:  Lay down your weapons

Book:  Be aware of having a sharp tongue, potential to be valiant and victorious, negative omen suggesting chaos and dysfunction, unfulfilled ambition, imbalance, thought disconnected from heart, not the time to face things

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power

Journaling

What a wonderful card to have drawn today.  it is a little scary to think of Trump in power, but this is where I have to act with both my head and my heart.  I have to be smart and protect my assets and my kids, but I also have to function and do what’s right and get involved in what matters to me.  I have to give my life meaning by advocating for mental health and women’s rights.  My voice and time have to be spent protecting what matters.

July 5, 2019

I haven’t done a lot of advocating or working toward change and I have to be honest and say that a big reason is that it feels useless.  The people who believe what I believe are going to continue to believe what I believe and the ones who don’t, do not seem to be inclined to change their minds.  I have worked on turning inward and improving myself.  One of the ways I believe that I can change the world is to not be so reactive and to be more measured in my response.  I think when we all rush from thing to thing as trump lumbers through the world and if we are more measured and less reactive, the world will be more calm and we will get through this.

October 14, 2016

Deck;  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, lack of clarity

Book:  Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head

Journaling

I feel like nothing I do matters for me.  Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me.  We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I’m still stuck in Chicago every week.  All I want is to find love and be happy.  I have to be honest and say that I’m thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn’t seem to matter for me.  I feel like just a vehicle for other people’s happiness, but I’m not worthy of happiness myself.

Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that’s hard when life sucks and you don’t have the one thing that matters.  I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with.  I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me?  Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough?  I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me.  I’ve fought so hard against needing someone, but I’m ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.

Goddess, please guide me to my love.

May 24, 2018

I wish that I could say that in the time since I’ve written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I’ve been working really hard not to lie to myself.  There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely.  However, I’ve been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways.  That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don’t like to be selfish.  However, I’m starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing. 

A big part of the reason, I’m able to start doing this is because I’m able to say F* you to my mother’s voice in my head.  I’m able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things.  I deserve a car of my own.  I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me.  I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch.  I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.

It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday.  And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people.  That is all so much BS.  I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me.  I am capable of doing all of those things by myself.  That doesn’t mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me.  But what she added on actually made me feel good.  She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding.  That made me feel good

September 24, 2016

Ace of Swords Hanson Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  The sword is piercing a laurel wreath, does this portend victory?  The hilt of the sword is bound with leather and there appears to be a ruby in the hilt.  The sun is shining through the clouds and reflecting off the sword.  The sword speaks to me of new beginnings and intellectual opportunities.

Book:  Clarity, success, sharp focus, cut attachments that no longer serve us, instrument of change, new beginnings

Guidance:  Be true to yourself

Journaling:

This week has truly been about the need to cut away and leave things that no longer serve me behind.  Right now I’m feeling the need to pull away from a coworker who I don’t feel is working in our client’s best interests.  It also makes me wonder if this is about cutting ties with people who were important, but who I’ve drifted away from.

December 23, 2017

It’s interesting to reflect on this card today because I’ve been working hard to cut some cords that no longer serve me.  I’ve realized that I need to cut cords with John and quit getting all swirly about what he does or does not do in his life.  I’ve worked hard to let go of being judgmental and to let go of commenting on other people’s decisions that don’t affect me, but with him I continue to judge.  I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants him to fail and have a miserable life because of how he abused me and hurt me.  However, all that holding on to that anger does is keep me tied to him.  I need to let go of that rope that is keeping me tied down because it truly no longer serves me.

I also need to let go of someone who was so instrumental in my healing, but who no longer has a true role to play in my life.  I need to be grateful for the unconditional love he gave me and accept that our paths have diverged.

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April 20, 2016

Ace of Air Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Journaling:

Oddly enough, I initially read this card as reversed as the butterfly is hanging upside down.  To me this card reversed would be about cocooning and not being ready to go through a change.  However, the card is actually upright and shows me blossoming and being ready to spread my wings and fly.

I think I’m finally in a place were I can really love.  I can accept that I am worthy of love and worthy to be someone’s partner.

December 25, 2017

Last year in a lot of ways was about laying the groundwork for being ready for love.  It was about understanding what unconditional love is and what it isn’t.  Unconditional love is about loving someone in spite of their annoying habits and idiosyncrasies, but it is not about loving someone who is abusive.  It is also not about sacrificing yourself on the altar of love.  John demanded sacrifices that I wasn’t willing or ready to give and his favorite line was, “Well if you loved me, you would..”  However, that’s not what love is.  Love is not about forcing or guilting someone in to doing something.  It is about giving and receiving love with an open heart. 

Love doesn’t mean that you have the right to demand someone sacrifice themselves for you.  You can accept someone’s sacrifice, but you cannot demand it.  John constantly browbeat me and manipulated me under the pretense of love.  I’m strong enough now to accept and realize that if he truly loved me, he would not have demanded the sacrifices he demanded. 

I’m so proud of how much I have grown and matured in the past year because I am in a place where I understand what love is and I understand that it is okay to say no to someone you love and that it is okay to set boundaries with someone you love.

Deck: Sacred Traveler

First impressions: This card is beautiful, but it seems more about accomplishments than about courage.  It reminds me very much of the six of wands.

Book: Be bold, take opportunities, speak up for yourself, go beyond self imposed boundaries

Guidance:  Take Action with Passion

Journaling:

This is a good reminder that the spoils go to the bold.  You don’t get anywhere by sitting back and waiting for people to hand you stuff.  You get the rewards by going after them.  I think this is why guys often get the better jobs.  They go after then when they know they can do them, even if they don’t have proof.  However, women often wait until they have a proven history of doing things.

The problem is that I’m boldly going after shit I don’t want.  I only want to stay at the bird to get vested and I only want the other job to escape the hell that is Nestle.  However, I need to take a step back and say that waiting to get the money I’m vested in does matter.  That is a very valid reason for staying and if I can work it so I can stay, that’s valid.  It’s also valid to want to take a job so I don’t have to feel as if I have lost my credibility.  Both of those are valid feelings.  I just need to continue to gather information so that I can make a decision that is best for me.

August 11, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Knave of Swords

First Impressions:  Innocence, holding the sword gingerly, hand in his pocket, not rushing into battle, silly little boy

Book:  Tale bearer, spy, rival, secret observation, conflict

Guidance:   Eyes wide open

Journaling:

Where I’m At:  It was a weird day today.  I got a lot done, but then J from work called me around 6 and we talked for about an hour.  Apparently, B. is in a panic thinking that I’m leaving.  Kinda ironic as I know that I will have an offer on Monday and I do kind of have one foot out the door.  I will not be treated with disrespect and have my credibility questioned.  And his proposed path forward eviscerates my credibility.  And the thing is that he does not even realize what he is doing.  

This puts me in such a strange position because I’ve never had a boss panicking over me leaving before.  It is a good feeling that he doesn’t want to lose me, but it is also disappointing that I’m being asked to do all he emotional labor to explain why I’m upset.  I think part of it is that he thinks my feelings are hurt and that I’m going to run off without something lined up.  Yes my feelings are hurt, but I’m not some fucking fragile little flower.  I know how to take care of myself because I’ve had to do it all my life.  My feelings are hurt, but I manage them and he may think that I rushed off the meeting because I was pissed, but that isn’t the case.  I left because I had another meeting to go to and I’m not going to let my hurt feelings send me crying to a corner while a responsibility goes undone.

He’s also thinking I’m leaving because I declined the stupid meeting with H.  I have no desire to work for her as the projects she has going on are boring.  There is no growth opportunity here and I have no interest in working at corporate.  If he would have flipping asked me before he set this stupid meeting up, there would have been no issue.  Or if G would have flipping told him that I was a big HELL NO on this before it got this far.  He’s been having discussions behind my back for 3 months when he wouldn’t have wasted so much time if he would have just asked me if I was interested.

Weather:  

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 100%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:29/8:32

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 July 7, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Nymph of Swords

First Impressions:  I don’t like this card.  I always hate cards where women are gratuitously naked and the whole little snakeskin apron is stupid.  I also don’t like the transition from page to nymph.  

Book:  Thought before action, new ideas, observe, analyze, perspective

Guidance:   trust that tapping into your higher self before acting hastily serves your cause

Journaling:

So this is gonna be a rant because this is a stupid card.  If the nymph is about starting out on a journey, why is she naked?  And that is not me being a prude, it is a legitimate question because who starts a journey through the woods naked?  That is asking to be hurt.  And if she is gonna be naked, be naked and don’t wear a stupid apron.  If this card isn’t a sexualized card, I don’t know what is.  If you’re gonna show her naked, show her naked.  Don’t do this halfway thing.

Where I’m At:  I’m hanging out at home.  It was a good day today.  I took Wendy to the vet and she has an ear infection, which sucks but I’m happy I have the money to pay for it and the doctor says she will be okay.  Then I took the dingles for a walk when I got home.  Clark was so adorably wiggly that I couldn’t refuse to take him.

Weather:  The weather is gorgeous tonight.  It was the perfect temperature and the sun is shining brightly.

Moon Phase:  First Quarter 54%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:58 / 9:04

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Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Floating away, lost in a book, coming down to earth

Book:  Thirst for information, an apprentice, being tested or judged, a time to let go of worry

Guidance:   Keep the lightbulb of curiosity turned on

Journaling:

I love the reminder to continue being curious.  There are times when I get so stressed out and school seems like so much work, but then I remember that I am learning so much and becoming a more informed person.  For the most part, I love the research but I have been so stressed lately and work has been such a grind that I’ve felt like I don’t have the time or energy for learning, but school is sacred and it is something that normally brings me joy.  I need to figure out how to let go of the things that don’t bring me joy so that I have the time and energy for school.

Where I’m At: It’s been a long day as I had a meeting until 7 and Cam did not get off until 10 which meant we ate super late.

Weather: It was about 50 out

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 91%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:38 am / 7: 33 pm

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March 3, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card because for me it is saying that books can lift you up and take you out of your ordinary world.  They do that by feeding imagination and providing knowledge.

Book:  Restless energy, thirst for information, ideas and reasoning, old ideals destroyed

Guidance:   Exciting page of swords energy to help answer the question of where I’m going

Journaling:

This is another card about using logic to figure out where I’m going instead of relying on my heart.  My gut reaction is to always go to my heart to figure out what the next step is, but the cards lately have been telling me to trust my brain.  My brain says that the logical course of action for now is to stay where I’m at.  My salary helps me to pay the bills and gives me a great lifestyle.  I’m also actually making progress on getting my bills paid off.  However, my heart doesn’t like that answer as I would rather ditch the job and move into something that feeds my soul.

My health is also a reason to stay at nestle as my drugs are flipping expensive and right now my insurance pays for them.

Where I’m At: It was a quiet evening at home.  Wendy wasn’t feeling well so I stayed with her and worked to help her feel better.

Weather: Cold and crisp

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:58 am / 6:19 pm

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 February 9, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Climbing high, listening to guidance from the little birdie, tenacity, doing whatever it takes

Book:  Harbinger of new beginning and new ideas, optimism, energy, thoughtfulness, curiosity

Guidance:  Use wit to succeed where others have failed

Journaling:

I’m mostly in a good place today as I had good meetings and I got a lot done, but I’m also feeling stuck.  Other people get to move into other roles and I’m stuck.  I’m also not happy that Glenn says he’s going to roll out the Digital Committee that I spearheaded.  It’s that battle with my ego again.  At the end of the day, I get paid so it isn’t a huge deal, but I hate the thought that other people think I suck because I’m stuck.

And there’s the rub, it is all about my ego and what other people think of me.  I really shouldn’t give a rat’s ass what other people think and be satisfied with that I do for the sake of doing it.  To a certain extent I am satisfied because i get to use my curiosity to see what i can make happen, but at the same token, it isn’t fair if other people take credit for my ideas.

The truth of the matter is I’m feeling stuck because I don’t like working for someone else.  I want to have the creativity to do research and to feed my soul.  I think I need to start a novena and just keep putting it out there.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home this week and am in a fairly good space.  The house is still messy and needs work, but since Mercury Retrograde is gone, I’m feeling better.

Mood:  I’m in a good mood today.  I got stuff done at work

Weather:   it is cold and crisp outside with the temp being 44 degrees.  It looks like a lot of the snow has melted.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 59%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:29 PM / 5:52 PM

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August 12, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Learning, knowledge, intellectual

Book:  Harmonious symmetry

Guidance:  Open your mind to new ideas, messages come through learning that are a catalyst for change

Journaling

Meeting Heather was such a godsend because it was so much easier to show up since I had already met someone.  I was also thrilled to see such an amazing group gather.  Today was truly a day about opening my mind to new ideas and realizing how intellectual learning stimulates my emotional learning.  I was also so pleased that there were people who were actually interested in my background and thought that I had something to contribute.

What is so amazing is that it truly does feel as if I’m found my niche where I belong and where I can actually add value to the world.  I think part of what I’m feeling right now is that I’m not learning, growing, and adding unique value to the world.  Being at this conference was truly all about learning and figuring out new pathways.  I don’t know what those new pathways are yet, but I do know that I’m definitely changing.

August 4, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Arrogance, facing the future

Book:  Intelligent and insightful, discovering what is hidden, not afraid to speak the truth

Guidance:  Tailor your talent to the world of human reality

JournalingThe meaning on this card makes me smile as I sometimes race ahead of everyone else and am left looking back waiting for them to catch up.  This card serves as a reminder that I live in the human realm and I need to be kind and to help others along instead of racing ahead of everyone else because I can.  My job generally helps me with that as I get a reminder on every project what it is like to be back at the beginning and starting over. 

The page of swords also serves as a reminder that learning can be fun and that it can be amazing to jump into a pool of new knowledge and learn something new.  We often get so caught up in being the smartest person in the world that we forget what it is like to have beginner’s mind and start from the beginning. 

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the yummy Spanglish and flirting with the guy behind the counter

I’m grateful for the safe drive to Chicago

I’m grateful that the Delta fixed my reservation for me

I’m grateful that it was a nice day for a drive

I’m grateful for driving down State Street with my top down

I’m grateful for seeing the beautiful moon

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Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  This is an interesting card as it reminds me more of the hermit than the six of swords.  There are usually multiple people in the boat, but this one only has one which is a little weird.

Book:  Ferryman, navigator, easy passage, the way to success, smooth journey

Guidance:   Trust the Ferryman

Journaling:

This is the perfect card to pull today.  It is time for me to move on and find something that works for me and where I am treated with respect and not shit on like I was today.  I honestly think that B. is clueless as to how his proposal makes me lose my credibility.  I honestly don’t think he has totally thought this through.  Pulling this card, feels like the universe is really telling me that it is time to move on.  

This makes me sad on the one hand as there are people I like at the nest and there are times when I feel like I am doing good work.  However, there are also times when I just feel like I am feeding evilness.  I don’t know what the solution is, but I think I’m just going to step back and turn it over to my guides.  They will give me the right answer.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and realizing exactly how shitty the Nest is. I ‘m getting scapegoated and thrown under the bus.  They’re going to bring in this super star PM to work full time on Intelex.  What a load of crap.  I got set up to fail

Weather:  It is nice outside today.  I sat outside with Wendy for a while and she was super happy.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 96%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:28 / 8:34

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 May 25, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Sisterhood, escaping under the dark of night, escaping domestic violence, going into the void together

Book:  Cutting losses, escaping, carried pain, relocation

Guidance: Everything moves in its own time

Journaling:

Working with K is interesting as she is not escaping domestic violence, but she is leaving behind a bad situation to move on and what I see in her is some of the same reluctance that I saw in myself. My marriage was horrible, but it was what I knew.  It was what I had been raised to believe was what I was supposed to do:  stay with someone who abused me because I had taken a vow.  There are days I really hate my mother for how much she fucked up my head.  How she taught me that love was pain and that no matter what I was supposed to stay married.  

There is a part of me that feels that I was totally stupid for believing that and a part of me that blames myself, but the reality is that she was my mother and she was supposed to love and nurture me, but she didn’t do that.  She hurt me and taught me that I was disposable.  I know that I am a strong and independent woman, but there is a part of me that is a scared little girl.  I’m getting the message to set up an altar to that scared little girl and to take care of her.

Where: I’m home today.  I worked from home and after work, I went to Metro to work with K. on her resume.  It actually felt really good to sit with her and help her on her resume.  It made me feel like I was doing something useful and productive.

Weather:  The weather was nice today.  It was a little chilly, but the sun was out

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 am / 8:49

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February 21, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, grief at leaving a place with meaning.  Birds moving on

Book:  Transitions, help arriving at the perfect time, healing, moving beyond trauma

Guidance:   Ask for and accept help

Journaling:

Where I’m At:  I’m at home sitting in my living room, feeling the peace of my altar as I am reminded of the healing power of the earth.  Clark is snoring on the ottoman with his snoot covered up by a blanket.  I’m supposed to go to Open Table tonight, but I’m exhausted and my sinuses are acting up.  I also have to admit that it just feels like an overwhelming amount of effort to take a shower, get dressed, and go out.  Even though the world is opening up, more and more I feel like hiding.  I just feel overwhelmed by everything.  However, I also know that a big part of why I feel overwhelmed today is that I ODed on sugar yesterday.  I ate 4 donuts, a candy bar, 64 oz of juice, and probably a bunch more garbage.  The thing is that it didn’t even make me feel good.  It just made me feel more and more draggy and gross and my mood became more and more depressed.  

The problem is that I hate my job so much that I use food, especially sugar, to distract myself.  Then I pay the price because I feel depressed and draggy.  I’m working to take care of myself today by drinking lots of water to flush out my body and relaxing.  

Mood:  I’m mostly in a good mood, but I am exhausted as Wendy was limping so I slept on the couch with her.  As a result, I am a little cranky and stiff.

Weather:   It is actually beautiful out as it is 51 degrees and as I write this I’m hearing a bird outside.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 76%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am/ 6:07 pm

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August 9, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Journeying, venturing out

Book:  Journey out of consciousness

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be led out of the darkness

Journaling

Leaving home and setting out on a trip is always about shifts in consciousness.  It is about leaving behind what is familiar and setting out with only the things we need into the unknown.  Even if the route has been well mapped, there is still a sense of difference and moving into something less familiar.  There is always a sense that there are new lessons to be learned and potential danger even if the road is well traveled.

We had a beautiful drive through Ohio and West Virginia.  We went exploring and found Salt Lake State Park which is a huge park with camping, a cave, and lots of trails.  It’s a place that we may venture back to with the dogs for a weekend or for a few days of R&R.  One of the things I love about traveling with Cam is that we just meander, we let ourselves explore the interesting side roads and byways.  I think that’s the best part of travel as you see new things and you learn new things.  I know that as we were driving, I had the sense of leaving all my cares behind and finding my way toward peace.

One of the coolest things that happened was that as we were going through the mountains and we were talking about how hitchhikers were dumb and putting themselves at risk, we both smelled perfume or hotel soap in the car.  The smell just came upon us all of the sudden and it filled the car.  Both Cam and I smelled it.  I’m not sure if it was a ghost or what, but it was pretty cool.

We ended our night in a Motel 6 and I always find it funny that I feel so much like it is traveling and vacation when I stay at cheap hotels.  Staying at more expensive hotels always feels like work, which makes sense because those are the hotels I stay in when I work.  There is just a sense of adventure in staying at cheap hotels because it feels so transient and as if this is where we are tonight, but tomorrow we’ll be somewhere else.

May 21, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Fleeing, walking away, courage

Book:  Journeys of all kinds, taking a trip, change of consciousness, exploring realms on the other side

Guidance:  The time has come to leave old pain, places, and patterns behind, choose to take the next steps

Journaling:

This is such a card of courage and commitment and that’s where I’m at right now as I am choosing to commit to my new life and to leave my hold life behind.  It’s funny, buying a house with John in 2007 was a bigger commitment than marriage because it involved my financial security and he came close to destroying me financially when he walked out because he chose not to help and he chose to just walk away.   The funny thing is that at the time that I signed the paperwork I knew it would end poorly, but I chose to take the commitment because I believed that it was a commitment that would save my marriage.  It did not.

Buying a house in 2015 and choosing to move to Cleveland was my physical moving on and leaving behind Chicago and all that it entailed.  What I just found out from two close friends from Chicago as they both viewed it as a spiritual graduation of sorts as I was taking charge of my own life and making deliberate choices versus drifting.  It was a huge step in my growth, but I’m still working on moving forward and finding my way.  What I have found is that, as the text from the World Spirit, book says, “…the hardest part may be getting over your fear of moving into unknown territory.”  For me, unknown territory means choosing to claim my life as my own and choosing to move forward alone instead of waiting for someone to share my life with.  

It is a little scary to accept that I may always be alone, but it is also very liberating as well as it means that I don’t have to subjugate myself to anyone.  I can paint my bathroom pink if I want to, I can buy a little red sports car, I can live my life according to my own wishes and not have to take someone else’s opinions into consideration.  It’s liberating and scary all at the same time, but I’m finally ready.

Exercise:

Pull the six of swords from your favorite deck, climb into the boat, and sail toward your destiny.

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August 23, 2017

Six of Air Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Movement

Book:  Goddess of arts, healing, and battle, being initiated to battle, this is a time of learning

Guidance:  Accept guidance and find your purpose, prepare for challenges, learn from trusted teachers, balance activities

Journaling:

Wow!  What an interesting card to draw today for what I learned from today.  I’ve been asking what the next steps are and where I go from here.  I’m being led and this card is telling me to accept guidance and find my purpose.  Every time I ask to be led, it keeps coming back to tarot.  I love tarot and it has really helped me to make that final push to heal and all of the work I’ve done to date has been amazing, but it is the tarot work that has been pushing me thee last few yards.

What I love about it is that it is the same that is different.  I read the cards with my mind and my heart.  I will continue to pray and meditate and allow myself to be guided wherever this journey takes me.

December 18, 2017

I’m still not sure what it all means, but I know I cannot earn what I earn now by doing tarot and I need to earn my salary.

December 25, 2017

The message I’m being given is to trust and I will be taken care of.  I need to trust that it will all turn out the way it is meant to.  It is incredibly hard to live a life of trust and surrender as those two words are the antithesis of my personality, but I really need to let go of my need to control my destiny and trust that they have something amazing and wonderful in store for me and that all I need to do is to take the next step.  I know I’ve been guided to where I’m at today and that the next step has appeared as I’ve needed to take it, so why should I doubt that they will continue to guide me and be there for me?

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October 20, 2016

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Moving away from chaos, calm seas ahead

Book:  Journey, passage away from hardship, moving on, but bringing baggage

Guidance:  Cut one’s losses and move on, unload some baggage

Journaling

Definitely a message that I’ve been getting lately that I need to let go of the baggage and move on  It is also something that I’ve been trying to do, but i keep getting dragged back to Chicago.  I’m ready to move on, but I keep being stuck in projects in Chicago and I don’t know why I’m stuck in Chicago or what lessons I’m supposed to be learning.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing that the lesson I needed to learn was that I needed to make an actual decision to leave Chicago and t cut ties.  As long as I was choosing to keep one foot in the city, I was keeping myself bound to Chicago.  I had to deliberately make the decision to not keep going back to Chicago for emotional fulfillment.  That has been a really hard decision for me to make, but it was the right decision for me and my decision not to go to Chicago with Sean a few months ago really helped move me in the right direction.