Author: Raine Shakti

 September 10, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Four of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love this card with the figure relaxing on a rainbow.  That is awesome and it really speaks to relaxation and star gazing.

Book:  Rest is essential for my health.  I honor and love myself by providing time and space to simply be.

Guidance:   Do only what you need to do

Journaling:

I needed this reminder to rest and take care of myself.  I have been working myself into a frenzy over this computer, when the truth of the matter is that they told me it would be taken care of and that I just need to trust.  Everything happens in its own time and for a reason.  I just need to trust the universe and trust that everything will be okay.

One of the things I really love about this card is that she is resting on a rainbow, which for me is symbolic of trusting the universe.  The realitiy is that a rainbow is fleeting and not tangible, but this card shows her trusting the rainbow enough to lay on it.  I need to do the same.  I need to trust that it is all going to work out.  I need to trust that they will provide as they always do.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home right now, but I’ve been running all morning.  The doggos had a vet appointment ($1350!), then we had to pick up the bento beast.  And I have spent a good chunk of the day on the phone with FedEx traying t track down my new work computer.  It looks like it will actually be here today!  That has been so stressful.

Weather:  It is absolutely beautiful outside today.  The sun is shining and it is not too hot.  I have the window open and I’m just enjoying a relaxing day with the doggos.

Moon Phase:  Full moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:00 / 7:45

September 8, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as she is actively drinking out of a cup as she heads off into the sunset.  While most eight of cups cards give the impression that the figure is walking away from something, this one definately gives the impression she is walking toward something.

Book:  I fully honor my worth.  I am powerful and ready for change.

Guidance:   I am worthy of health and happiness

Journaling:  

I absolutely love the message on this card and it is perfect for today as I walk away from a nasty situation.  I keep asking myself if I caused this situation and the answer is no.  I did what I was supposed to do and it is not my fault that the leadership team failed.  They failed so many ways and so many times it is almost funny.  However, I do know that Brian got his ass handed to him by the TPLT.  I also know that his karma is not responsibility.  I fulfilled my responsibility by speaking my truth.  What happens to him now is up to the universe.  I also know that the universe really does take care of situations.

My only responsibility now is to walk off into my own sunset and my own happiness.  I don’t know what my long term path is, but I do know that I have to walk my own path.  And I have to stop spending so much time worrying about everyone else’s path.  I also have to step back and put things into perspective.  In the long term, this bullshit with the computer is not a big deal.  PPL is not going to hold me responsible and the thing is that they should have sent it sooner.  However, there is nothing I can do about that either so I’m just going to let go and do what I need to do today and trust that it is all going to be okay.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today finishing up my last bit of work.  It is sort of bittersweet a there is a lot of things I’ve enjoyed at The Nest, but I won’t stay while Asshole Brian actively humiliates me.  Homey don’t need this garbage.  However, on a positive front, I had a ls

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out today, but i didn’t get to enjoy it because I had so much to do.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 95%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:58 / 7:49

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June 19th, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Goddess

First Impressions:  Cups sharing energy, walking away, full moon, sadness

Book:  Transition, disappointment, letting go, space, rest

Guidance:   Take a break and breathe

Journaling:

I have received so many messages lately about taking a break and figuring out what’s next.  I love that message and it is so what I need right now.  I don’t like my current job, but I have enough money to pay my bills and I’m not working a million hours.  The other thing that is interesting right now is that I have a lot of time for my self as the kids are both working nights.  I have time to read, to play, and to figure out what I want in life.  That’s a good feeling and I know that for me in order to figure out what’s next, I need to clear away all the emotional and physical clutter.  I’m starting with the physical clutter as getting rid of that will help me to get rid of the emotional clutter.

I actually saw Yemaya last night for the first time in ages and it was so comforting.  She told me that she still loves me and that it is not the clutter keeping me from her, but my fear that the clutter was keeping me from her.  She also reminded me that no one woke up in a disgusting house and that no one woke up a hoarder.  It was saving one magazine, then a few more, etc. etc.  She said that I need to clean on a regular basis so that my house doesn’t become a hoarder’s house.  I can’t necessarily do anything about Sean, but I can keep taking small steps to keep the house clean.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and it is so nice out.  I’ve got the windows open and turned off the air.  I’m sitting in front of the new window and it is so awesome to have the window open and feel the cool air

Weather:  It is absolutely a perfect summer day.  It is just about 70 and there is a nice breeze.

Moon Phase:  Waning gibbous, 68%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:50/ 9:04

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June 7, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Symmetry, watching the moon, mountains, 

Book:  Ending, moving on, journey, transition

Guidance:   Nothing is truly lost, only transformed

Journaling:

This is an interesting card as it makes me think of turning my back on things and walking away.  What I’m realizing about endings is that they are not always clear cut.  They are sometimes a little fuzzy like the ending of my friendship with B.  I love that guy and he helped me tremendously.  However, he made a comment once that eventually we would drift apart and I didn’t believe him because I thought we’d always have something between us.  However, I realize now that he made that comment because he knew himself.  He knew that he was bad about maintaining friendships so what he was really saying is that I’m bad about maintaining friendships so eventually you will either have to do all the work or our friendship will be over.

And he was right because eventually there came a point where I grew tired of doing all the emotional labor to maintain the friendship.  I grew tired of always having to make the phone calls, always having to plan the lunch dates, always having to be the one that texts.  I find it interesting because he always complained about his friendships ending and other people not reaching out, but he never reaches out and I  know that he never reached out to other people.  He just led the friendships drift away.  There is a part of me that is sad that our friendship died, but I’m going to be grateful for what we had, be grateful for the fact he was there for me when I really needed a friend and just let go.

Weather:  It is hot and gross out.  I’m glad I’m in the factory today because it is just disgusting out there.  

Moon Phase:  First Quarter

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:27 /8:27

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May 4, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Asian, Moon and Sun, Watching the waves

Book:  Ending, moving on, journey, transition

Guidance: Nothing is truly lost, only transformed

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull as I’m in Chicago and there is a big part of me feeling the tug back to old places.  I didn’t even reach out to Blaze or Scott while I was there and I deliberately didn’t post pictures on Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to ask why I hadn’t reached out.  I love the city, but it’s not home anymore.  I didn’t even want to drive to any of my old stomping grounds.  I didn’t drive through Bridgeport.  I didn’t drive up Michigan Ave.  I just didn’t feel like it.  I guess the truth is that I know that part of my life is behind me.

Where:  I’m in Chicago.  It was a long day today as I had a lot of meetings and had to be “on” this morning at the plant.  I came back to my hotel, worked a little on work instructions and went to bed early.

Weather:  It was chilly, but not cold.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 12

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:40 am / 7:53 pm

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Book: Feel your feelings

Guidance:  Immerse yourself in your feelings until you can feel them

Journaling

Actually feeling your feelings is something that I learned when I was in Al-Anon as until that time I had ignored my feelings because it was too painful and scary to actually acknowledge what I was feeling.  I also know that during my marriage everything was rage as I was so angry all the time.  I didn’t realize that I was actually feeling sadness, grief, fear, and a host of other emotions until I was out of the situation.  It was when I started going to Al-Anon and hearing people talk about feeling their feelings that I realized that ignoring my feelings only meant that I was constantly feeling rage and anger because I was afraid of the “weaker” emotions like grief, sadness, and fear.  In some ways, it was just easier to puff myself up with anger than to acknowledge that I was afraid my marriage would not last, that I was feeling shame over who I was, and that I was grieving the perfect life I thought I was going to have.  Anger also allowed me to avoid responsibility for my life as I could say that everyone else made me angry without looking at what I was responsible for.

I remember sitting on the steps of the Pabst Mansion in Milwaukee crying as I started to feel sadness, grief, and other emotions for what might have been the first time.  They were still painful and uncomfortable, but actually feeling the real emotions instead of just anger let me process them and by acknowledging them, I was able to work through why I was feeling what I was feeling.  That day was a big step in my healing and it helped me to understand what people meant when they said I needed to feel my feelings.  This card reminds me that I need to feel what I’m feeling without being judgmental and beating myself up for whatever I’m feeling.  It’s okay to feel shame, it’s okay to feel fear, and it is okay to feel grief.  What I’ve found is that sitting with my feelings and really identifying them does help me to work through them.  Writing them out or sharing them with honest statements that say “I feel…” are also very liberating.

Sitting with your feelings is incredibly hard, but when you learn to do it, it really does make your life better.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Saying f* it and walking away, being fed up

Book: Questing, life dragging us down, weary to the bone, empty vessels drained of our enthusiasm, heart’s yearning for deeper meaning

Guidance:  Begin a spiritual quest, take time alone, be more present with your inner life

Journaling

This card just reminded me of where I’m at today as I just want to say F* it and walk away from this stupid project.  Nobody is getting along and we’re not getting anything done.  I truly due feel as if life is dragging me down and I am weary to the bone.  However, the reality of it is that I can choose to take it personally or I can choose to let it roll off my back.  I do not have to own any of the drama that is going on.  I can just choose to let it all slide off my back. Managing the consultants is not my job, but when I choose to take ownership of it, I am the one that suffers because I get all swirly and I get caught up in the drama.  My project manager needs to own the situation and she needs to step up to the plate and kick butt. 

I just need to focus on what I need to get done and expend my energy on the things that I am responsible for.  That includes capturing all the changes that Gartner created and getting them input into SharePoint and on to the Org Impact Analysis.  That is what I am responsible for.  I’m not responsible for what the functional team does or does not due.  I am only responsible for my own little corner of the world and the sooner I remind myself of that, the better I will feel.  I just need to focus on my stuff.

In my personal life, I’m doing a much better job of that and of not getting so caught up and swirly about all the stuff that is going on.  I read an amazing book about the Sabbath over the weekend and it put it into context for me.  it was a good reminder that the Sabbath is supposed to be a time out of time.  It is all about setting aside one day to just be.  To just think, pray, enjoy, and be.  It is about letting go of work for a period of time and just being.  I was actually able to do that this weekend and it felt really good.

Gratitudes

Phone charger fixed my issue

Yummy Poke for dinner

Wendy & Clark had a good day with the kids

Snuggles from Wendy this morning

Skyping with Cam

Flight was on time

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September 2, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Sedna, Eight of Water

First Impressions:  Sedna is always a goddess of deep despair for me based on her story.  She is a powerful goddess who withholds animals from the Inuit unless they confess their taboos and appease her.  She always strikes me as cold and unfeeling as if the trauma that her father put her through (cutting off her fingers) left her permanently devoid of compassion.

Book:  Going deep is not an easy task, let it be worthwhile.  Sedna reigns in the deep dark oceans, past the place of final breath.  Sedna was betrayed by one who loved her, one she trusted, and one who was responsible to care for her.  When she is treated with respect, she will release the animals from the deep and allow her people to partake of the bounty of the sea.

Guidance:  Sedna’s guidance tells us to care for the child who has been betrayed.  She also tells us to look at old wounds we may have below the surface and to understand the links between those woulds and our woulds.

Journaling:

Wow!  This is powerful stuff and it sums up a lot of where I’m at.  I’ve been betrayed and sold out by people who were supposed to love and cherish me and it hurts a lot.

Luke

February 14, 2004 to July 21, 20117

RIP

I’ve been feeling Sedna lately as I feel the despair and the betrayal.  It feels as if I’m swimming in a deep soup of emotions and I’m scared to let go because I’m scared I will drown in these painful emotions.  I’m scared of truly feeling my grief for Luke because I’m scared that once I let the sorrow flow out, I won’t be able to turn it back off.  I’m scared to go back to the deep dark place that I was after John left.  I thought I would never be able to come out of the darkness.

Message from Sedna:

There is a difference, Raine.  Your’ grief for Luke is pure and unadulterated by anger or a sense of betrayal!  Luke loved you with everything he had.  There were no games or using.  It was pure unadulterated love.  You can’t say that with John as there were always games.

December 18, 2017

Dear Sedna,

Thank you for the reminder that Luke’s love was pure and unadulterated.  I’ve been feeling disloyal to Luke because I’ve been fallling in love with Clark because he is so cute and energetic.  I’m realizing that loving Clark doesn’t dishonor Luke.  It is about opening my heart and there is room in my heart for both of them.

December 27, 2017 Review

Wow!  This was amazingly powerful!  I’ve been feeling a lot of grief right now.  This time of year is hard for me as all of the drama I’ve been through and the body memories from all the painful stuff that has happened in November and December.  I think a lot of what I’m feeling comes down to grief and learning to grieve well.  I’m realizing that it is okay to feel my feelings and that I don’t have to stuff them. If I am honest and feel my feelings when I feel them, they do not become so scary and overwhelming.

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May 16, 2016

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Eight of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions;  Going upstream, fighting instead of going with the flow, loss of a sense of purpose

Book:  The past may feel like it is overwhelming you, like it is too hard to change the way you life. (so true)

Journaling

I do feel as if I am swimming upstream right now and that I have no sense of purpose.  It feels as if I don’t know where I’m going or what is important to me.  I feel adrift as if there is no point or purpose.  I know what I want in life, a loving relationship, but I don’t know how to get there.  I don’t know how to find that relationship without sorting through a whole lot of chaff, something I don’t have time for.

 September 7, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  This looks like someone is juggling and playing games.  It also speaks to black and white thinking with no shades of gray.

Book:  My decisions are my power.  I create my reality.

Guidance:   Give yourself patience and loving care.

Journaling:

This is an interesting portrayal of Justice as it brings justice down to personal decisions and how our own decisions impact our lives.  This mirrors my thoughts on Harvest and how we harvest our own actions.  It’s interesting that this came up as I had lunch with Morrigan and we were talking about being involved with bad people and how we have to let go of blaming ourselves.  That struck me because I have been spending a lot of time blaming myself for being with and staying with John.  However, the truth is that he was a master manipulator and he used my kind heart against me.  He knew that if he said everyone else had left him that I would stay.  I know he used brutality and putdowns against me, but the truth is that he also used my own kindness.  

He claimed I was a bitch, but he knew that I had a kind and loving heart and that I worked to think the best of people and he used that against me.  Of course, now I’m beating myself up for not seeing through it and letting myself be manipulated, but the truth is that it is difficult not to fall prey to a master manipulator and I need to let go of feeling guilty for that.  I don’t like going through life and thinking the worst of everyone and I should not always have to have my guard up.  

Where I’m At:  I went in to the office today and Dickwad Brian walked past me without speaking to me again.  How absolutely childish!  I did get a lot of things done.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out today.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 88%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:57/7:50

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July 30, 2021

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  This is an absolutely beautiful card.  I love how the sword is holding up the scales and how her eyes are wide open, but she is not looking right at you.  The stars on the card remind me of the Star card.

Book:  Equilibrium, impartiality, Trial and verdict, the righting of the balance, Justice restored, probity, equity, integrity, honesty, vindication

Guidance:   Trust justice will be provided

Journaling:

I struggle with the concept of justice as it seems that nasty people get ahead and they just get their lawyers to buy them out of trouble.  It feels like Trump is the biggest criminal of them all, but he may never truly face justice as he is good at maneuvering.  It also feels like there is no such thing as economic justice as nasty people like Trump have money while I have to work and scrape for everything I have.  

However, maybe that is the point for me.  I am privileged, but I also know what it is like to be poor, so maybe my role is to be that go between and to help people who are not privileged understand what it means to not have enough money to pay their bills.  

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and I’ve spent the last day or so working on getting the house cleaned up.  It’s getting there, but once I get it clean, I’m not sure how I’ll keep it clean.  I also went to the Farmer’s Market today and it was awesome to see all the people and to get such goodies.  I so love getting produce that was grown locally.

Weather:  It was absolutely beautiful out when I went to the market.  It has started to get a little warmer, but it is still nice.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 3%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:17 / 8:47

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 July 4, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Justice is black, which is a good thing with all the bullshit going on in the world today.  Justice is blind and standing in a field of flowers

Book:  Fairness, karma, accountability, truth

Guidance:   Intuition and action

Journaling:

I don’t even know what justice is anymore.  It feels as if there is no justice in this country.  We had a black man killed by cops with 60 wounds, we’ve had 6 people who were at a parade murdered in cold blood, and the so-called justices on SCOTUS are just about taking about women’s rights.  It feels like justice doesn’t exist anymore and I feel angry, betrayed, and helpless.  It feels like there is nothing that I can do to make the world right anymore.  I have to be honest and say that I don’t even want to leave the house anymore.  I’m afraid of being gunned down at the grocery store, at a concert, or anywhere else in public.  In so many ways it just feels safer to stay at home.  It also scares me that Sean goes out and about for work.  I don’t know what the solution is, but I’m afraid.

This is more than being personally afraid, this is being afraid of the world.  I have never been afraid of the world before, but I am now.  The government refuses to do anything about guns and fucking SCOTUS just ruled that it is okay to open carry.  I honestly don’t know what to do.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home with the doggos and we are chilling in the living room.  I refuse to celebrate or acknowledge the fourth of July because this country is in a death spiral

Weather:  It is warm and light outside

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 25%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 / 9:04

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 May 22, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Overseeing, flight, seen from above

Book: Justice, karma, integrity, honesty, self examination of motive

Guidance:  Justice is not and cannot be blind

Journaling:

This is an interesting card to pull after my reading yesterday and my dreams.  I dreamed of the night that John beat me and my brain tried to figure out an out.  How could I have escaped the situation and had him face the justice that he deserves.  I don’t know if there is another way out.  However, I do know that he is facing his karma right now.  His karma is that he lives alone in a house that he can’t even afford to maintain.  I know there are pieces of my house that I need to fix, but when my window cracked, I had the money to  fix it.

It makes me mad that he isn’t paying for his crimes through the courts, but maybe this is better.  He is alone and broke.  They are telling me that I need to let it go and know that he is facing what he needs to face.

Where:   I’ve been hanging out on the couch all day.  There are days I just feel so trapped and as if I should really get out and move around more.  I know I would probably feel better if I got up and around, but the inertia is really hard to overcome.

Weather:  It is actually really nice outside.  It is a little chilly, but not too cold.  

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter, 53%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:59 / 846

July 4, 2022

Justice is an interesting concept and I don’t know if John is facing justice or if it is just a coincidence.  I have to be really honest and say that with everything that is going on in the world lately, I don’t know if there is justice.

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April 13, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Not firmly balanced, a little off kilter

Book:  Justice, karma, integrity, honesty, self examination of motive

Guidance:  Justice is not and cannot be blind

Journaling:

There is so much juiciness in the reading for this card.  The self examination of motive talks to me today because sometimes I do have ulterior motives.  I’m asking that about my conversation with John yesterday.  Did I want to put the Quality team down so I looked like a savior?  To be honest, I don’t think so because they could have reached out to John directly and expressed their feelings.  I was trying to make it about the situation and not about people.  I think I was clumsy in my attempt, but I do think my motives to have everyone get along were pure.

The other piece that speaks to me is that justice cannot be blind.  I think that justice should be blind, but isn’t.  And because justice is not blind for rich white dudes who can afford the best lawyers, it can’t be blind for poor people of color.  Justice has to take into account the systematic issues that created some situations.  However, I do think there are crimes where their our no systematic issues and the criminals are just jerks (i.e. Cam’s assailant).

Where: It’s 6:45 in the morning and I’m sitting in my Modesto hotel room getting ready for the day to start.  I love having first things in the morning to sit and reflect and meditate.  It is a little sliver of alone time.  I need to figure out how to make this work at home.

Weather: It’s currently 39 degrees out, but it is clear and will be up to 65 today.  It looks like it will be one of those warm and sunny California days

Moon Phase:  Waning, Gibbous, 87

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:30 am / 7:38 PM

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 December 28, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Balance, fierce, no mercy, mysterious

Book:  Power wielded with both intelligence and impartiality

Journaling

The Amhaeng-Eosa were secret royal inspectors in the Joseon Kingdom (1392-1897) of Korea who were appointed directly by the king.  They were sent out to uncover corruption and punish wrong doers.  As I reflect on their mission and this card, I realize that that there is much in this card that can apply to my personal life.  

Be Balanced

For me, yin-yang symbol in this card reminds me that sometimes I need to be forthcoming about who I am and what I want and other times I need to be less circumspect.  This is interesting for me as historicaly, I have liked to be front and center with my needs as I’m afraid that if I don’t say what I want, I wont’ get it.  I have never been one for hiding in the shadows and waiting to be introduced.  However, as I reflect on this card I realize that sometimes there is value in staying in the shadows and observing.  I do know from my professional world that sometimes there is tremendous benefit in watching and observing.  You can learn a lot from people by observing their behavior when they don’t know they are being watched.

Own Your Identity

The secret royal inspectors carried mapae with them.  These mapae served a dual purpose as they had horses carved on them and the secret royal inspector was entitled to commandeer as many horses as were carved on the mapae.  These mapae were also used to identify the secret royal inspectors.  For me, this means owning my identity and being true to who I am.

Know Your Boundaries

The Amhaeng-Eosa were backed by the king, as evidenced by the palance on this card.  They had set authority and tasks they were expected to complete.  This translates to boundaries for me as I need to know what my authority is and what I’m willing to accept from other people.  In the past, I have not been good about maintaining boundaries and I have let other people walk all over me.

Enforcement

The sword is how I enforce my boundaries.  Swords were used in the past to settle disputes and to punish wrong doers.  While I may not physically wield a sword to cut the head off a wrong doer, I can wield a sword to enforce my boundaries by being clear about what I will and will not accept.  This is a good reminder for me as I have a boss who believes in playing nice and maintaining the peace.  However, my past experience has taught me that there are people in this world that you need to be firm with and that you need to be very clear to the point of being harsh about what is and is not acceptable.  Although this doesn’t always win friends, it is important to stand up for yourself.

July 4, 2022

This is one of the most in-depth readings I have every done and there is a lot here that speaks to me and that is juicy and rich.  One of the things that I am struggling with right now is knowing my identity.  I feel like I live a dichotomous life as I have to do the stupid corporate thing at work, but that’s not really who I am.  I need to live a life that is more in-tune with my values, but I don’t know how to get there.

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September 4, 2019

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Seeing justice

Book:  Wisdom and balance, need to think about the consequences of our actions

Guidance:  Carefully weigh the outcomes to make sure you achieve balance before acting

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me right now because I feel like my life is all tangled up in the justice system and that my family’s happiness depends upon what 12 random people decide about a random person who choose to hurt my daughter.  When I put it that way, it seems ridiculous that I would give those 12 random people so much power over my happiness, but my random brain and my emotions are not always connected and there is a part of me deep down inside that doesn’t believe in trusting justice.  At the heart of all of this is a lack of trust as it is so difficult for me to trust anyone even people who have proven themselves over and over to be trustworthy.

My fear / distrust of the justice system is also driven by the fact that when I was in high school and hit by a truck, the justice system refused to award me just compensation.  The insurance company was allowed to not pay out and when we went to court, we did not receive just compensation.  I believe that lies at my fear of the justice system, the belief that for some reason justice will not prevail.  That is an interesting and odd way to look at things, but I think that is at the heart of a lot of what I’m feeling.  I feel as if the justice system proved itself untrustworthy once so why should I trust it again.  Even though my brain knows that this is a completely different situation, my heart still thinks that justice is messed up.  I think the only thing that is going to help is time and patience and repeatedly letting go of my fears.

Gratitude

I’m grateful that Scott told me what OV said

I’m grateful for the good call with Doty

I’m grateful for the good conversation with John

I’m grateful that I got a good night’s sleep

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

September 4, 2022

So the justice system sort of worked as he did get penalized.  However, what has been amazing to me has been how Cam has been able to let go and move on with her life.  I know she is still hurting, but she doesn’t have the vicious anger that I have.  She’s been able to claim her victimhood and know that this is about him and not about her.  I’m getting there with my ability to claim victimhood, but it is still hard for me.

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May 30, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First impressions:  Fairness, sense of honesty

Book:  Seeing all sides clearly, taking responsibility for our actions

Guidance:  Be honest with yourself and others

Journaling

I don’t like this reading today.  I picked this card because the bastard that raped my daughter was arrested this week and I want him to get justice.  Okay, that’s not truly accurate as I want vengeance.  I want him to suffer the worst that life has to offer.  I want his body, mind, and soul to be destroyed.  However, I don’t trust the justice system to deliver anything anywhere near justice.  He has pleaded guilty and has a public defender, which means the odds are more in our favor than if he could afford a private attorney, but I still don’t trust the justice system.

Lady Justice,

Please let him pay for his crimes.

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Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows justice in a triangle with the sun the bottom and her holding two arms of the triangle.  It is a striking card.  Justice is blind.  Reversed this card says I’m not making balanced decisions.

Book:  Pausing for a self check, not recognizing we are out of balance, psychic imbalance

Guidance:  Embrace the chaos, live in love, take time to balance your energy

Journaling:

Interesting card as I could read this many ways.  I could read it as being out of balance and listening to other people instead of myself.  I could also read it as a perversion of justice and things that should happen, not flowing they way they should.  I think i’m just going to sit with it and see what happens.

January 25, 2018 Update

This card is again a warning that I’m out of balance.  This week was physically rough as I got pulled in multiple directions for OCM and had to be responsive even though I had no extra time.  I am mindful of people pulling  my consultants in multiple directions, but there is no one who does that for me.  I’m left to my own devices with people continually tugging on me.  The problem is that it it really isn’t a lot of work, but the distractions make me lose focus.

On the plus side, I’ve been getting better about managing my own energy needs and saying no to things that are just energy sucks.  It isn’t always easy, but I’m doing it.

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Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance

Book:  Emerging from darkness and confusion, unqualified search for truth, internal need for equilibrium

Guidance: Become in harmony with laws of nature, obtaining balance, time for work and action, create one’s own journey

Affirmation:  I create my own joy

Journaling

Interesting card to pull as I’m struggling with my inner darkness and emptiness.  I want to be happy but that’s hard to do when I’m lonely and I don’t just want random people in my life.  I want meaningful relationships. 

 September 6, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Nine of Stones

First Impressions:  This card speaks to happiness and independence.  It is about being free and believing in myself.

Book:  I savor my self sufficiency.  I am unstoppable.

Guidance:   I honor my internal and external accomplishments

Journaling:

I know that I have done an amazing job at Nestle and that I have left a legacy.  It doesn’t really matter what Brian the Ass or Monica the Bitch says.  I’ve done good work.  And more importantly, I’ve grown and changed and I’ve learned so many good lessons.

I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve had this opportunity and that I’ve learned and grown.  And it actually has been interesting to observe Monica because I’ve realized that I used to be an overbearing bitch just like her and I’ve moved past that and really learned to stay in my lane and not dictate how everyone else behaves.  That is incredible growth and I think sometimes we need to see how other people behave badly to see how much we’ve grown.  And Brian is really a little bullied child who thinks he is all grown up.  He has no clue how to deal with strong and independent women and that’s his loss.  

I’m going out with my head held high and be proud of my accomplishments.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today finishing up my last work stuff.  I am so ready to be done with Nestle.  Some of the people there are such huge asses.

Weather:  It was rainy today.  The dogs didn’t even want to go out.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 88%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:56/7:52

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August 20, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Nine of Coins

First Impressions:  This card is interesting as most nine of pentacles cards show a female figure and don’t show money, but show other signs of abundance.

Book:  Solution, comfort, sound management of resources, income, unexpectedly good business, accomplishment

Guidance:   Manage your resources well

Journaling:

I love the meaning of this as manage your resources well. Some of the resources that I have to manage are my talents and my skills and part of managing them well is to make the most of them.  I realize that as I look back on my career, I have continued to do that.  I’ve always looked for opportunities that have let me make the most of my talents from a financial perspective.  I don’t think I’ve always made the most of them from a heart perspective.  However, maybe I have when I consider that my kids are my heart and I’ve always worked to do the best I could by them. 

One of the things I’m contemplating lately is an article I read about how people are not having work friends anymore.  In one way that makes sense to me and in another it doesn’t.  It makes sense because I just don’t want to invest emotional energy in work anymore.  I just don’t care enough to expend emotional energy at work.  However, on the other side, it is nice to have work friends to bitch about the man with.  Then you aren’t polluting home with that garbage.

Maybe the solution is to just learn to let it go and to not care enough to spend time bitching.  Maybe I really need to learn to just let it all go.

Where I’m At:  I am home and the day is just kind of foggy.  Covid really has me in its grip and I am so glad that I am starting to feel better.

Weather:  It rained last night and it is still rainy today.  It’s one of those days where you just want to snuggle in at home and not go anywhere.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 38%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:38 / 8:20

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May 14, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Happiness, contentment, being a free woman

Book:  Satisfaction, completion, prosperity, discipline

Guidance: Resourcefulness and wisdom in action

Journaling:

I love pulling this card today because today was all about Women Power.  It was claiming our power to own our bodies.  For me, it is not about abortion, it is about having a choice.  My abortion was difficult and painful, but I was so glad that I had the choice to choose what to do with my body.  No one should be able to tell anyone what to do with their body and if Roe really gets overturned, we will have to fight like hell to get our autonomy back.  And we will have to fight like hell to keep them from shoving any other bullshit laws down our throats.

I usually don’t like the Nine of Pentacles because it looks as if she is trapped in a garden alone.  The card usually makes me think of a gilded cage, but this card doesn’t.  It looks as if she is taking a few minutes for solitude and to catch her breath before she goes back to her busy day.  I love that and I know what it is like to need a few minutes to catch your breath.

Where: It was a beautiful day out and Cam and I went to the Bans Off Our Bodies March today and it was awesome.  It was hot out, but I stood under a tree and there was a breeze so it was not so horrible out.  It was also so nice to see the blue of the lake.

Weather:  It’s warm outside and it’s been overcast all day, but hasn’t rained.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 96% Blood Moon Eclipse

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:06 am / 8:38 pm

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Deck: Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Peacefulness, at ease with one’s self

Book:  Gathering sunflowers, at peace, harvesting power to manifest

Guidance:  Prosperity comes from doing the work you love, trust the universe

Journaling

The nine of pentacles is a card that I haven’t always liked as sometimes it seems the woman is caged instead of at peace with herself.  That’s something I’ve been feeling more and more lately as I grow into my life and my wisdom.  I still have my moments where I freak out or feel victimized, but I’m better able to step back and look at what I’m really feeling instead of what I think I’m feeling.  That is a powerful way to be as all too often we let what we think we feel drive us instead of acknowledging what is at the core of our feelings.  I was feeling angry and resentful today about having to fly early in the morning after the client cancelled the meeting, but I didn’t want to spend the money to change the ticket.  However, once I took a step back and realized that I was really upset because I knew that if I flew, I would feel awful all week, I was able to make a decision that let me take care of myself.  I chose to drive and to stop part way so that I could get a good night sleep, which means I will be productive this week.

Prosperity of the heart, soul, and pocketbook does come from living a life I love, but it doesn’t mean it is all about the work.  One of the things I’ve realized is that I can have a job that I don’t mind and that pays the bills and have other things that touch my soul.  My ideal way of being would be to make my living doing something I love and I still hold out hope that I will get there, but in the meantime I’m working at an okay job where I am learning a lot of life lessons and I’m pursing my passions.  I think that is okay to have a job that supports my passions. 

The other part of this is opening up to trusting the universe to lead you down the best path and to lead you to the lessons you need to learn.  It’s also important to understand that sometimes the lessons are not pleasant and you need to surrender to the lessons so that you can come out the other side.  All too often, I find myself fighting lessons and trying to work around them instead of surrendering to them and accepting there are lessons.  When I am able to step into things and surrender, my life is so much better.

July 20, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Contentment, moment of respite

Book:  Successful and productive life is something to bask in, The ability to love and appreciate oneself is the ultimate success

Guidance:  Learn to be content with our own company, know our own worth, take care of yourself

Journaling

The nine of pentacles is a card I’ve had a difficult relationship as I’ve traditionally viewed it as a girl in a gilded cage.  She has all the treasures of the world available to her, but she’s all alone except for her bird.  She has always struck me as very sad and lonely.  However, the World Spirit version of the Nine of Cups shows a woman who looks peaceful, content, and satisfied with her world.  Unlike other versions where she seems melancholy and as if she is truly all alone, I could easily imagine the woman from the nine of cups taking a respite from a happy dinner party or after getting the kids to bed.  She strikes me as a woman who has a full and complete life.

After a long and rough road, I finally feel like this is where I’m at in my life.  I’m in a place where I’m happy and content.  I have a beautiful home, I have a job where I’m respected and have a lot of autonomy.  Life at home is peaceful as we all work hard to get along and I’m not constantly worried about saying the wrong thing and pissing off a narcissist.  I can also be my amazing and wonderful self and I don’t have to hide my amazing self from someone who doesn’t appreciate me and who always treated me like a second class citizen.  That’s a pretty amazing feeling.

And what is more amazing is that I recognize and appreciate how awesome I am and I’m not ashamed of who I am anymore.  I spent my entire marriage to John feeling as if I needed to be ashamed of who I was and if I had nothing left to offer the world except what I could do for others.  Now, I know that I am a pretty awesome person.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for hanging out with Cam

I’m grateful for having lunch with the kids

I’m grateful for sleeping in my own bed

I’m grateful for getting the brown rug out of the hosue

I’m grateful for cuddling with Wendy

I’m grateful fo a job that keeps me employed

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December 5, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Reversed this card gives a sense of loss, a sense of losing what’s important, and of losing footing. It could also mean a loss of independence or prosperity.  I do love how colorful this card is and the butterflies truly give it a sense of freedom

Book:  Intolerance for emotional messiness, lack of discipline, frustration from unmet goals

Guidance:  Get comfortable with imperfection

Journaling

This is a hard cared for me to read today.  I’m not sure if it is about goals or finances.  Part of what I have to figure out is why L. is bugging me so much.  I don’t think it is about her as it is about what she represents.  She uses people without giving back and that bothers me a lot.  It makes me think of John as he used me and contributed nothing.  It was always all about his wants and his needs and never about mutual wants and needs.  That made it difficult to have a real marriage.  There was also a huge power and income disparity.

I have to be with someone in my own income bracket as I can’t be with someone who makes a lot more or less as that doesn’t work for me.  Those relationships just have too many issues.  I don’t want to be the less powerful person because I refuse to be a kept woman, but I also don’t want to be the keeper as that gets really old.

January 23, 2018 Revisited

As I continue to grow in my tarot journey, one of the things that strikes me is how many different meanings there could be in a card.  I know the 9 of pentacles is usually read as a self made woman, but I wonder if another meaning could be someone who is in a gilded cage. Someone who has everything they want, except for freedom.  In some ways, I really feel like that’s where I’m at lately because I have everything I want, but I sometimes feel so trapped and as if it would be wonderful to just walk away from it all.  The nine of pentacles reversed could be about escaping from the gilded cage.

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October 20, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Independence, standing on my own two feet, leading my own life

Book:  Pinnacle of self won achievement, material abundance and grace to appreciate it, love of plenty, disciplined, solitary enjoyment of good things in life

Guidance:  Focus on team work, appreciate what you have, let others in

Journaling:

This card is about me and reflects so much of where I am.  I do have material things, but I’m also lonely.  This is where my heart is as I do appreciate the nice things in  my life, but I really want someone to share my life with.  Having nice things is not very meaningful if there is no one to share them with.  I’m fortunate to have the kids, but it’s not the same.

May 25, 2018

I realize that this is supposed to be a positive card, but I always get the impression of a woman in a gilded cage when I look at this card.  She has all of these wonderful things, but she is in a walled garden that appears to not have a gate.  I don’t want to live in a walled facility even if I am surrounded by wonderful things.

I want a gate in my wall so that I can go out in the world and experience it and so that someone loving and kind can come in and be part of my life.  I’m realizing as I mature that I love my solitude and that is not a bad thing.  John and I had such a sick codependent relationship that being alone was not something I did well.  I’m realizing that a big part of the reason that I loved to travel for work because I liked having my alone time.  I could be myself and read, pray, and do the things that mattered to me instead of constantly catering to his whims. 

He made it impossible to have time for myself because every time I started doing something that I really enjoyed, he would sabotage it.  He sabotaged graduate school, he sabotaged water aerobics, he sabotaged jobs.  He was so insecure that he could not stand it if I was better than him at anything. 

That’s a big part of the reason that I’m afraid to put myself out there and meet someone else.  I’m really afraid of being in another relationship where I lose myself.

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September 29, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  The woman is talking to her bird, she is in a gated garden, and there is a castle in the distance.  Reversed, this card speaks to me of failure and loss.

Book:  Feeling alone, neglecting relationships, empty inside, losing your way, lack of satisfaction

Guidance:  Re-prioritize, set better boundaries

December 23, 2017

Another day where I didn’t journal.  It’s odd looking at this card now as instead of seeing a woman who has done well for herself, I see a woman in a gilded cage.  It makes me wonder if she has achieved success on her own or if she is a trophy wife who has been put in a gilded cage.  It’s also possible that she has created a gilded cage of her own creation.

There are days when I feel as if I’ve created my own gilded cage as I live in a nice house, but I sometimes feel trapped working to support the house instead of creating joy.  I don’t have an instant answer for this, but I am committing myself to digging my way out of debt.

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May 23, 2016

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Nine of Earth

Book:  You are enjoying a time of accomplishments.  You’re at the peak of your creative powers.  You are connected, but have time alone.  

Journaling

This card is an interesting counterpart to the nine of air as that card is about fear and being blown away, this card is about confidence and power.  This card speaks to being in control of one’s life and at being at peach and content with life.

The book meaning of this card is interseting as I am finally starting to move into this place of contentment.  I do want love in my life, but overall I cam content with where I am at and who I am.  I’ve learned to let go and trust them.  At least I’ve learned this intelectually.  There are days when my fear response kicks in, but more days than not I am content.

September 5, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this image of the ten of cups as a happy couple of birds.  She did a nice job of bringing in the imagery of the rainbows in both the eggs and the cups.  I also love this card as the colors are so reminiscent of fall.

Book:  I am safe.  I am secure.  I have everything I need.  I am home.

Guidance:   Create the notion of home that feels good to you

Journaling:

Home is such an interesting word.  I know that overall I felt safe in my childhood home because my dad was a rock.  It was not until I became a pre-teen/teenager, that the damage my mother and her family was doing to me became clear.  There was no physical abuse in my home and I always had the physical necessities of life.  However, my mother’s put downs and ignorance harmed me emotionally.  I also never felt safe in the house with John as he terrorized us all. 

It really wasn’t until we moved to Ohio that I began feeling truly safe and comfortable in my house.  Granted it is messy, but we wall love each other and mostly work together to make our home life functional.  It is nice knowing when I walk in the door that I am not going to be berated, degraded, or abused.  I know that home is a safe place and for me that is what home should be.  Home should be a safe place where you know you are going to be taken care of and okay.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today on the couch with the doggos.  I’m trying to decide if I want to make bread or go take a nap.

Weather:  It’s drizzly out today and has been raining off and on.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 70%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:55 / 7:54

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 July 17, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Mystical cups, swimming in emotions.  I love how it pays tribute to the rainbow in the original with the background

Book:   Cosmic and emotional abundance, tranquility, love, magic

Guidance:   Bask in and appreciate emotional wealth

Journaling:

I used to feel bad because I didn’t have a lot of in-person friends and didn’t spend a lot of time hanging out and doing things with people.  But I’ve realized that my emotional wealth is my internal life, meditating, taking classes, etc.  I don’t need to have lots of friends to be okay.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home this morning, chilling with the doggos.  Wendy’s is still down as her ear is still hurting her.  Cam and I went and picked up Li Wah and I got my egg tarts (Total Yums).  We ate dinner, then the kids both went up to bed.

Weather:  It’s a little chilly and drizzly out.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 81%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:05 / 8:58

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Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Happiness, raising a toast

Book: Celebrating

Guidance: Emotional contentment, a card of appreciation and gratitude

Journaling

I chose this card because it was so nice to have dinner with Scott and to just hang out and talk about all that is going on in life.  It’s nice to have people in my life who understand me and who get why I behave the way I do.  We talked a lot about why I’m upset and he asked me a very deep question when he asked me why I thought there was going to be a bad outcome.  I said that the Brock Turner case was on my mind and that I was upset because I was being asked to trust 12 people to make a decision.  However, he reminded me that there was a possibility that it could go well.

At the end of the day, a lot of what I’m feeling is powerlessness and it’s not something that I’m comfortable with.  I don’t like to not be in control and there are a lot of areas in my life where I am in control and where I get to drive what happens.  However, there are also situations where I have to trust others and those situations make me very uncomfortable.  When I’m put in a position of being asked to trust someone, I get upset and I get defensive, angry, afraid, etc.  I start lashing out at even the people who want to help me because I am afraid.  However, when I finally start hurting enough or when I have a moment of clarity, I remember that I don’t have to trust everyone.  I have to trust my guides.  I have to turn it over to them and trust them to do the right thing.  Once I do that it is as if all the anger is out of me and I’ve deflated.  Then I can be filled back up with good things.

What’s interesting about this is that Scott pulled the seven of pentacles in the Vision Quest which is a card of depletion and not a card of waiting or harvest.  Interestingly, I didn’t think of it at the time but depletion is what I feel when I let all that anger and stress go.  I feel as if all the negativity has escaped out of me and I feel like I am depleted, but in a good way.  He also pulled the Shaman card and that is a card of power.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Happiness, Joy as a family, sticking together

Book:  Deep satisfaction that comes from finding your path in life, fulfillment, joys of familial love, simple pleasures of domestic life

Guidance:  Take a moment to appreciate your life, your home, and your loved ones, open your heart, dance with the universe, and feel the love that pours forth for you

Journaling

Today was a happy family day.  We hung out together in the morning, then went and had dinner with Sean for Cam’s birthday.  We just had Jimmy John’s but being together was nice.  We also spent a lot of time playing with the doggos today and just hanging out with them.  There was nothing big or bold that happened today, but it was a nice comfortable day.  I’m learning that sometimes the best days or the days when we just enjoy each other’s company and are there for each other.  Cam had a meltdown today because she is having flashbacks and working through stuff, but because I was in a good head space, I was able to listen and be there for her.  Just being there for someone else is such a powerful thing and to know that there are people there for me is very powerful.  I might get really irritated with the kids sometimes, but I love them and I’m happy I’m able to provide for them.

After Seano got home from work, we had cake (again) and opened Cam’s presents.  She was so happy with what we got her and so grateful.  I’m glad I can give my kids things that they want for presents and that they appreciate it.  It isn’t about having the money to buy expensive things, but it is taking the time to get the things that people want.  I think that’s key for me is truly having people listen and take the time to get things that matter.  John never really listened to what people wanted and chose gifts that he thought people wanted.  He also always had intense drama and every occasion ended up being around him.

It is just nice to have a calm and peaceful life.  We don’t always get along, but we are able to work through our issues instead of resorting to anger and hate.  That’s a nice place to be in.

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April 16, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Emotional stability, peace, family harmony

Book:  Happy, family, contentment, lasting happiness, perfect love, card of the heart’s desire

Guidance:  You have gained great joy from life

Journaling

I’m not sure what this card means for me as I’m not satisfied with my life and it feels empty and lonely.  I mostly like my job, but am annoyed about certain people’s attitudes.  Joe pissed me off today.  Why should we do training material when they are going with someone else for OCM.  That is ludicrous.  If they want all our materials, they can damn well pay for it.  There are days I get so frustrated at work and I feel as if I’m swimming upstream.  And I have to admit that there are days I wonder if it is even worth it.

Maybe this card is a reminder to keep the faith that I can have what I want.  I just need to trust.  Trust is so hard for me.  I always assume that people have the worst intentions.  Maybe I need to start trusting that people do have my best interests at heart. 

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to open my heart and trust.  Please help me to believe that people have good intentions instead of always assuming the worst.

Blessings, Raine

December 29, 2018 Review

Wow!  I completely missed what this card was trying to tell me.  It was telling me that I have an amazing family and that I am truly loved and that instead of focusing on what is wrong with my life, I should focus on the positives.  I have been doing a lot better at doing that lately and I know that it is because I write down my gratitudes  every day, I do a weekly recap, and I pull a card every day.  I also know that a lot of it is due to the fact that I have been reading a lot of spiritual literature.  I’ve been working to focus on the positives in life and in the world instead of getting weighed down by the negativity.

However, even though I am seeing the positive changes, I also know that I still obsess and I still spend a lot of time focused on the negative and on what is wrong with life.  I need to let go of the negative and start really focusing on what’s right in life.  I need to let go of my anger and angst over John.  What he does or does not do is really none of my business.  I need to let go and let him succeed or fail on his own.  I also have to trust that I have provided Sean with as much guidance as I possible can and that he will ask for help and guidance if he needs it.  It is hard to let go, but that’s really what I need to do in order to be happy in my own life.

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April 20, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Family, enjoyment

Book:  Celebrate life’s rewards, unconditional joy, being grateful for the good stuff, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not lose yourself in the celebration, maintain inner equilibrium, learn new lessons through joy and bliss

Affirmation;  I am grateful

Journaling

I love the ten of cups as it celebrates coming to fruition and having all the good stuff that life has to offer.  The last few years have truly helped me to realize what love is and to open myself up to unconditional love.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Love unconditionally.  Accept imbalance.  Accept being weak.  Let people take care of you.  Be vulnerable.

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December 2, 2016

Ten of Cups Gilded Tarot

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family.  Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book:  Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance:  Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I’ve done.  For the most part I am happy and content with my life.  I do want someone to love, but I’ve been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc.  The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean.  Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad.  I know I can’t say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it.  I’m not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn’t matter.

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May 13, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Overshelmed by the world.  Feeling as if I am constantly battling and life is incredibly difficult.  Feeling overwhelmed.  Death versus life seems front and center.

Book:  Overwhelmed by emotion an feeling like a martyer.

Journaling

I am feeling like a martyer as I feel likie I give and give and give and get nothing in return.  It seems as if the kids just take, take, take, and I don’t know how to stop it.  I need to find a way to set clear boundaries for them.  I also know that I want life to be settled now and that isn’t realistic.  I need to let life take its course.  In the scope of things, I haven’t been moved all that long and I just need to trust the universe.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

When I am realistic about when I wrote this, I realize that it was written about six months after we had moved and the kids still weren’t settled yet.  When we moved, I had a job that I kept but the kids had to settle in, find jobs, etc.  It wasn’t really realistic to expect them to be settled and in a place where they could contribute.  Things are much better now and although I still feel like I do a lot of heavy lifting, that’s changing.

September 4, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  The snake is such a visceral image and brings up so much.  It is reminiscent of the Goddess, it reminds me of the Garden of Eden.  

Book:  When I embrace and love all the parts, I shed old skin and I am whole

Guidance:   Dig deep and coax the scared little one out12

Journaling:

I love the idea of shedding my skin and reclaiming my self.  I have done so much work on who I am and letting go of old wounds, but my mother wound still hurts.  That is such a new agey thing to say, but it is true.  The person who was supposed to love me unconditionally let me down.  She treated me like garbage and like I was nothing.  And she is ultimately responsible for my disastrous marriage.  She trained me that I was nothing.  She trained me that it is okay to let people treat you like shit.  She trained me that I deserved to be abused.

There I said it.  I laid the blame at her feet where it belongs.  I’ve spent so much time making excuses for her and letting her off the hook.  It feels good to lay the blame where it belongs.  I’ve always made excuses for her before, but what I’m realizing is that the excuses don’t matter.  The why she is like she is.  The why she hurt me doesn’t matter.  What matters is that she hurt me.  She took my sweet and innocent little soul and broke it.  It doesn’t matter that her mother broke her soul.  It doesn’t matter what she went through.  All the matters is the fact that she broke my soul.

What is amazing about claiming victimhood is that it enables me to let go of the shame and guilt I’ve been feeling.  There is a part of me that has believed that there must have been something wrong with me for Charlene to have treated her child like she did.  However, claiming victimhood puts the onus on her for treating me like that.  It says, I was an innocent child and she was in the wrong.  It’s an amazing feeling of redemption and lets me feel lighter and at peace.

However, claiming victimhood doesn’t mean that I bear no responsibility for how I live going forward.  I am responsible for doing the hard work of healing.  I am responsible for addressing my own bad behavior and taking ownership of my life.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home chilling out with the doggos.  Gee it feels like I write that every day.  It’s raining outside and I’m just enjoying the peace of the morning.

Weather:  It is rainy and dreary, but these are the types of days that I enjoy.  They are perfect for snuggling in and reading.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 59%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 / 7:55

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July 9, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Awakening

First Impressions:  With her wings she reminds me of the Flying Nun and her expression is interesting as I can’t tell if she is upset or thoughtful

Book:  Rebirth, Higher Self, Awareness, Perception, Understanding, Blossoming

Guidance:   Appreciate your beauty and potential

Journaling:

I actually really love the book reading on this card as it is all about being ready for change and being willing to take that step to change.  The universe is telling me that it’s time.  It is time for me to move on and to do the next thing.  I don’t know what that next thing is, but I think I’m ready.  I’m also realizing that I’ve had a lot of anxiety about being forced back to the office as i really don’t want to have to go into an office any more.  I like working at home and being able to get dinner started and not have to come home from work and get something ready.  Working at home means I have more time for me as I don’t have to drive home.  I can just saunter into the kitchen and work. I’m realizing that it is time for me to find a job where the threat of being forced back to the office isn’t hanging over my head.

The other thing that I am really starting to realize is my worth.  I am creative and innovative and those are amazing skills to bring to an employer.  I am so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had at Nestle, but I’m ready to work for an employer who understands that there is no glory in being in the office every day.  It doesn’t make people better workers.

Where I’m At:  I spent the day hanging out at home.  I got my laundry done and did some house cleaning.

Weather:  It was nice out as it was only 75 degrees and drizzly.  Exactly the kind of weather I like.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 75%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:59 / 9:03

September 4, 2022 Update

I’m leaving the Nest and there is a part of me that is terrified that I’ll fail at my job.  However, what I’m really afraid of is it being found out that I’m not actually where I’m supposed to be.  It is ridiculous to think about having to live in a certain state so I can work remote.  It’s gonna be okay though.  

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May 28, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Being called home, into the light, sunshine, love

Book: Calling, right of passage, absolution, judgement, weight on the soul, redemption, resurrections

Guidance: Divinity sees all actions, the sting and the honey

Journaling:

The resurrection is a scare tactic in my mind.  It is just a ploy to get people to worship Sky God.  However, I really like this image as it makes me think about being called home by someone who loves me and wants what is best for me.  It is about being called home for dinner or called to hang out with loved ones.  It makes me think of playing on hot summer nights and being called home when it gets dark.  Maybe that is why Christians believe in the resurrection because it makes them feel they have a home to come home to.  That part of it is warm and loving, but the thought of leaving behind people who are not baptized and just disappearing is scary.

When I look at this from a personal perspective of redemption, it reminds me that we are all worthy of redemption.  We are all worthy of love and redemption, but we have to ask for it and we have to change our ways.  Redemption and amends go hand in hand.  We can show one another grace and kindness, but true redemption comes from making amends and genuinely trying to do better.  Someone can choose to forgive us, but forgiveness is not redemption.  Forgiveness says I let go of whatever it is that you did, but forgiveness doesn’t mean we want to re-engage and we want that person back in our lives.  I can forgive Charlene for all the shit she did to me and all the horrible lessons that she taught me, but that does not mean she has earned redemption and a place in my life.  

I know that sounds as if I am playing “god” by determining who gets redemption and who does not, but it isn’t playing god as it is about deciding who gets to be a part of my life.  And until she makes amends and redeems herself, she isn’t getting to be part of my life.

Where: I’m at home today and Summer Fridays started today.  Sean and I went to the Cleveland History museum and it was really nice we spent about an hour wandering and learning and it was just relaxing and nice.  Then we went to Ohio City for a late lunch.

Weather:  It was overcast this morning while we were out and about and now it is raining.  It is actually kind of relaxing to sit here in the living room with the rain outside the window.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 / 8:51

September 4, 2022

Redemption is an interesting concept for me as there have been times I flagellated myself and sought redemption, even when I had done nothing wrong.  My marriage was all about redemption as every time John hurt me, I sought redemption and to make it right.  I believed him when he blamed me.  I never stopped to think that maybe I didn’t need redemption because I hadn’t done anything wrong.  That’s what’s different about this time at Nestle.  Brian, the idiot, is scapegoating me for Intelex, but the facts are pretty clear that it is all about management and their failures.  I refuse to pay penance and seek redemption because I did nothing wrong and I’m not going to let him scapegoat me or let him blame me for what happened.  I’m walking out with my head high and an F* you attitude.

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Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance, fairness, weighing things

Deck:   Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck, not moving on

Book:  Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency

Guidance:  Don’t try to change others, take action to move forward

Journaling

One of the things I’m realizing is that I have to drop the weight.  It is literally killing me.  A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don’t care if I live or die.  I really need to change my attitude and ask for help.  The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018  Review

I’m still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where  feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola.  It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day.  I’m also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones.  I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc.  It is a whole vicious circle.  I’ve gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better.  The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost.  I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.

The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much.  However, I’m realizing that maybe I’m not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle.  However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better.  I’m going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.

September 4, 2022

I’ve been on a diabetes medicine for a while and while my sugar numbers are still horrible, the medicine is controlling my appetite.  I’m able to eat normal amounts of food and I’m not constantly starving.  That’s a good feeling and it helps me to understand what a normal appetitle is.

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September 19, 2016

Deck;  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  The people are naked and although it is supposed to be a family, they all seem very young.  The cloud by the angel is pink.  The people seem to be waving to the angel.  I don’t know if they are just saying hi or if there is more to it than that.  This card is about a reckoning and reawakening.

Book:  Awakening, realization, rebirth, call to change, and decision making.

Guidance:  Listen to your heart

Journaling

Awakening is an odd theme for the day.  I was so exhausted yesterday that I could barely keep my eyes open.  This job is getting more and more physically wearing and I’m not sure how much longer I can continue to push myself like this.  There is a large part of me that wants to get a job in town, but I’m kind of afraid of what that would look like.  I think I need to do some research and see if I could make that work.

December 22, 2017 Review

It’s been over a year since I originally wrote that and I’ve switched jobs, but am still traveling.  I’m feeling somewhat better than I did then and am not as exhausted all the time.  However, I’ve also realized that I really need to pay attention to my physical health and be cognizant of when it is getting to be too much or me and step back.  I don’t always do a great job of that, but it’s a lesson I do need to learn.

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May 11, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Awakening, Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, not open to new things, reluctant to change

Journaling

Am I stuck in my ways and unwilling to trust spirit  Am I so afraid that they won’t provide that I am standing in my own way?  All the cards lately have been about trust and about letting go.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to let go of expectations.  I need to trust them.  I can’t control whether or not X loves me.  I can’t control whether or not I get this job.  I can’t control the kids and I can’t control Gateway.

  To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for July is:

Harvest

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

End of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

What does Harvest mean for me right now?  

What did I learn about Harvest?

What do I need to do to continue bringing Harvest into my life?

What benefits has  Harvest brought into my life?

September 2, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Five of Stones

First Impressions:  This is an interesting image 

Book:  My pain is valid.  Even if I feel alone, there is a support system around me.  I listen and heal.

Guidance:   Be gentle with yourself

Journaling:

I needed this reminder that even though I may feel alone, I’m not.  I have people in my life who support me and think I add value.  I’ve been feeling this way since Idiot B scapegoated me.  He refused to take any responsibility and made it all my fault.  I also think he is gaslighting me so I blame myself.

However, I know this is not my fault and I know that this is him blaming me.  He is a huge idiot and a worthless leader so I’m not sure why I let his opinion matter so much.  I mean this is the guy that things Bitch M. is leadership material.  He is a moron and in reality his opinion does not matter.  The opinions of all the other people that have told me I will be missed matter.  I do not want or deserve to be gaslighted by an idiot like him.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today.  I worked this morning, then went to Gordon Square for lunch.  However, the food made both me and Cam sick so we won’t do that again.  I’m still sad and angry about work.  It really feels like I’m being forced out and I honestly don’t know what to do. There is a big part of me that would rather stay, but I can’t stay with Ignorant B in charge.  

Weather:  It was beautiful out today.  It did get a little hot this afternoon, but it wasn’t humid.

Moon Phase:  First Quarter 47%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:52 / 7:59

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August 16, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose tarot

Card Name:  Five of Coins

First Impressions:  This card reminds me of a hermit more than anything else as he is solo and carrying a staff.  It also looks as if he is carrying a rosary.

Book:  Economic insecurity, material difficulties, requiring clarity, restrictions, Adversity precedes real betterment

Guidance:   Let go of attachments

Journaling:

I need to hear this message today because whenever I get ready to leave somewhere, I start thinking of all the good parts of the job.  However, there are always good and bad parts of a job and I’m not really leaving because of the bad parts, I’m leaving to take a better opportunity.  I also need to let go of my need to prove myself and prove I’m capable and can do a good job.  I already know that I am capable and can do a good job and I don’t need anyone else go give me props.

I know one of the things that I know about myself is that I always feel like I have to seek redemption.  If I make a mistake or what is perceived to be a mistake, I always feel like I have to fix it.  Ten years ago, I would have totally blamed myself for the situation at work, but the truth is that other people caused this situation.  They refused and are continuing to refuse to take action because they are not leaders.  And I’m not in a position to take action, so they are trying to blame me.  Well it is not my fucking fault and I’m not going to be the scapegoat for these sons of bitches.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and just chilling with the dogs

Weather:  The weather is nice outside.  I actually sat outside for a while

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 76%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:34 am / 8:25 PM

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 June 15, 2022

Deck:  The Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This seems weird for the five of pentacles as there seems to be empowerment versus not having help.

Book:  Something built from barren beginnings, blocking distractions of the seen world, 

Guidance:   Tune in to your inner strength and knowledge

Journaling:

Where I’m At:  It’s Sunday and I’m home chilling out with the family and the dogs.  The kids are both sleeping as they’re both working nights

Weather:  It rained a little today, but it was mostly warm

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 87%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:50 am / 9:01 pm

March 24, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Hiding in the darkness, sad, lonely, feeling unloved

Book:  financial or health difficulties, feeling left out, asking for help when you need it, clearing energy blockages

Guidance:   Look for opportunities in your current circumstances

Journaling:

I am actually feeling a lot better today and I have more energy.  I’m also actively looking for opportunities where I’m at.  That includes looking at ways to learn from my current circumstances.  Instead of bitching about how much people bother me, I’m starting to ask the question what can I learn and what do I need to learn.  There are lessons to be learned from everyone and even though the evil M bugs the hell out of me, I also recognize that I share some traits with her and seeing how much it pisses me off when she does certain things is helping me to acknowledge and change my own ways.  At the end of the day, the only person I can change is myself.

There are also real lessons to be learned about how much I can really take on.  I overextended myself this semester as I had no clue that work would be this insane.  I’m continually pushing things at work and that is going to catch up with me.  I also need to make sure there is time in my schedule for me.  Even if I only meditate for 10 minutes a day, that helps a lot.

Where:  I’m at home this week and I’m currently sitting in the living room watching Clark vulture over Wendy.  Seano just got to the Charlotte airport and will be coming home tonight.

Weather:  It’s a little chilly outside, but not bad

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 58

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:23 am / 7:43 pm

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February 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Card:  Five of Coins

First Impressions:  Sadness, out in the cold, not asking for help

Book:  Recession, adversity, isolation, ruin

Guidance:  Ask for help

Journaling:

I’m feeling the five of pentacles today as i do feel isolated and alone and if there is no one out there who cares about me.  I know that I have resources and that there are people I can ask for help, but I just feel so isolated and alone.  It feels as if nothing good is ever going to happen again.  Additionally, even though I like working at home, it is isolating as there is no one whose desk you can just stop by to have a conversation.

However, Sean and I are going to a Monsters game today and even though hockey isn’t my favorite thing, it will be nice to get out and about.  We’re also going out to dinner beforehand so that is something to look forward to.  I’ve also joined the CPTSD support group as I realize that all of the trauma endured at my mother’s hands really affected me.  I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home and running late for work.

Mood:  I am feeling isolated and alone, but I know that I’ve felt this way before and come through it.  It will all be all right.

Weather:   It is cold and crisp outside.  it’s currently 21, but the high will be 30.  There is only a little snow expected today.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 49%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:30 PM / 5:51 PM

View from Alley Cat’s Oyster Bar in the Flats

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Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Sanctuary

Book:  The Great Mother Guadalupe

Guidance:  Balance your struggles with hope

Journaling:

This is my favorite card in this deck as to me it speaks of hope and of being watched over.  The lesson I always take from the five of pentacles is the need to ask for help.  We will be provided for if we ask for help, but so often we are ashamed or embarrassed or afraid someone will say no so we don’t ask for help and we sit and struggle instead of asking.  I know from my own experience that when I get all swirly and am feeling as if life is overwhelming, I feel better when I turn it over and let my beloved deities know that I need help.  When I try to do it all myself, I can’t and I just get angry, snippy, and overwhelmed.  However, once I am able to turn it over and say that I need help, I feel this instant and amazing sense of calm.

The problem is that I let myself go way too long before I turn it over and ask for help.  I will do everything possible within my power and I will push myself way too hard before I finally take a step back and acknowledge that I need help.  It’s a difficult process for me as I hate to be weak and for me asking for help has always been a sign of weakness.  I also grew up knowing that if I asked for help, it would be something that someone could hold over my head as there was no such thing as unconditional love in my childhood.  It was all about quid pro quo and anytime you asked for help, you knew that there would be a time that you would be required to pay it back.  Knowing that means that asking for help is something that I did as a last resort.  And it didn’t even have to be asking for anything, it was also about showing any sign of weakness. 

The first bookend of the beginning of the end for my relationship with Charlene was when I told her I had a problem with alcohol and was seeking help she called me a “drunken slut who tried to kill herself.”  I felt so demoralized and worthless after that comment.  However, there was something deep within me that knew that she was wrong and that I was worth more than that comment.  I worked hard to surround myself with positive people and even during my marriage I sought out people who believed in me.  The final bookend was when she was so judgmental about my divorce.  I was raw, vulnerable, and brokenhearted and she made it all about her.  I’ve realized that she always makes it all about her.  She sent me a letter after 3 years of having my address, but not contacting me and the letter was all about her.  There was one little scrunched in line that said she was sorry.  If that was me, I would have led with I’m sorry, but she always makes it all about her and that was just so normal.

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First Impressions:  On the outside looking in

Book:  Hardship, Financial stress, seems like troubles will never end, misjudging reliability of others, collapse of faith

Guidance:  You have to draw on your own resources to make it through

Journaling:

For me this card is not so much about relying on others as it is about asking for help.  Sometimes we place ourselves on the outside looking in because we choose not to trust others and we choose not to ask for help.  I am a very untrusting person and it is very difficult for me to open up to others and ask for help.  Work was very much like that today as I felt like everyone was bonded and I was the outsider.  It felt as if everyone had their own little cliques and no one wanted me around.  Part of the reason I feel like that is because my job is different than everyone else’s as everyone else has a technical role and my role is not technical so as a result, I feel as if they are looking down on me and thinking I’m not as smart as they are.  In reality, that is probably not the case at all but that is how I feel.

I think a lot of my feeling left out and as if I’m on the outside looking in has to do with the fact that I was bullied as a kid for reasons that are unknown to me.  I was fine up until we moved to Maple Park and the kids there were horrible.  They picked on me, groped me, and generally made my life miserable.  I never felt empowered to go and complain because I knew that complaining would only piss them off and make my life miserable.  Things are getting better in terms of how bullies are treated, but in my day you were just told to get along.  I personally feel that bullies should face severe punishment and should not be allowed to attend school with their victims.  If I had it to do all over again, I would have reported the bastards and I would have filed for a restraining order that would have meant they couldn’t come to school.  Then there parents would have had to respond.

I’ve grown a lot since I was that scared little girl, but I still try to handle things myself because I don’t trust authorities.  That’s why I didn’t report John for attempting to kill me with a baseball bat because I didn’t think I would be believed.  That was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life because if I had reported him, he would have gone to jail and I would have felt vindicated.  I’m realizing that one of my biggest flaws is that I feel that I need other people to witness bad behavior and agree with me.  It’s as if I need proof from someone else that bad things happened, but I’m unwilling to ask for help.

I think the lessons that I need to take away from this are that I need to learn to ask for help and that I don’t need other people to agree with me.  My own word that bad behavior happened is enough.

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Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Feeling left out, empty inside, bereft

Book:  In distress, hope and healing, lonliness

Guidance:  Analyze your limitations, there is solace in companionship

Journaling

I pulled this card as I sat at the beach watching an amazing sunset.  It feels apt because I was so lonely.  Everyone else was there with other people, but I was alone and it hurt to not have anyone to share this beautiful sunset with.  I feel more alone than I have in a long time.  I’ve always taken being alone in stride, but today it just feels lonely.

December 29, 2018

It’s so funny to reread this now as the memories that I have of that beautiful and amazing day are not of how lonely I was, but of how connected I felt to the others on the beach.  I was one of the most spiritual moments of my life to sit there and watch something as ordinary and as miraculous as a sunset.  I was so pleased and amazed that so many other people took the time out of there day to watch the sunset.  As I reread my post and how I pulled the cards, it made me wonder if I was lying to myself or if the loneliness dissipated as I felt myself surrounded by the larger crowd.  I’m going to choose to believe that the sense of connection outweighed the lonliness.

Here is what I posted on Facebook that day:

Rain Clara Shakti

April 13 · 

I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life tonight surrounded by about 50 strangers. I drove down to Carmel after work and spent some time wandering around. After an amazing dinner of fresh caught seafood, I wandered down to the beach.

There were about 50 people there, some quietly playing, others sitting and watching the water, and others just wandering around. Pretty soon, the most amazing show on earth started as Sul began to journey down to touch Mama Yemaya. Her bright light laid down a glittering trail upon the water.

As she sunk closer and closer to the waves, people got more and more quiet and everyone turned their faces toward the sun. As she slowly faded, a sense of oneness filled the crowd as we all watched the golden orb sink beneath the waves.

It was only when we could no longer see her that people began to gather there things and walk away with the reverant hush still filling the air.

I found it pretty amazing in this day of movies, TV, and all the other technical distraction that 50 people gathered on a beach on an ordinary Friday afternoon in April to watch the sunset.

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May 8, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Book:  Being out in the cold, not asking for assistance

Book:  Feeling left out in the cold, help is available, reach out, choosing to simplify

Guidance:  Reach out for help if you need to, look inward to see what has caused your circumstances, don’t torment yourself

Affirmation:  I ask for help as I need it

Journaling;

I’m feeling really pissed off and annoyed right now.  Tiffney is pushing my buttons.  This card is so appropriate for me because I always feel awkward and geeky and as if I don’t fit in.  I think that’s what I love about X.   He makes me feel like I matter and it isn’t about what I can do for him.  There’s very few people in my life who make me feel llike I matter just for me.  I need that in my life.  But even though he makes me feel like I matter, I don’t matter more than other people and that hurts.  I want to be someone’s person and it’s hard when I’m not.

I feel disconnected and adrift in the world.  I know help is available if I need it, it’s just that help is not what I want.  I want love.

May 14, 2017

I’m very peaceful today and I’ve taken time the last few days to get out of my head and be in my body and that’s a good place for me to be.  It’s just so wonderful to be in nature and to be aware of the sun on my shoulders.

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May 2, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  Five of Earth

First Impressions: I love this little shelter in the woods.  It makes me feel protected, safe, and being at peace with myself.  It makes me think of someone holding space for me.

Book:  You are dealing with stress at a survival level, most likely your health or finances. 

Guidance:  Tuck into yourself and know that you are safe and protected.  Know that there are people looking out for you even if it doesn’t seem like it.

Journaling

It is so interesting that I drew this card because I saw, journeyed to a similar structure when I was meditating and I was cocooned in a little womblike structure.  I felt safe and secure and there were people holding space for me.  While I was in this space, there was someone standing guard outside so I would not be interrupted.  I was totally secure.

I’m not truly in a true crisis mode right now, but my mind has created a crisis.  I am employed, I”m working on my health, but I do need to feel safe and secure and I’m not sure what the best way to do that is. I have the skills to survive most crises and I’ve gotten better about not creating crisis any more.

January 2, 2018

I know for some people this womblike structure would feel isolated or lonely, but for me it appears snug and secure and it is something I’m realizing I need in my own life.  I need to create a safe space for myself and part of that is having a space to curl up and feel secure in.  In some ways, my wood room is that space as the kids are pretty good about letting me have that space and not interrupting.

February 4, 2018

What I find so interesting in retrospect is that I pulled the five of earth, which is about pulling back my energy and being in survival mode immediately after I pulled the three of fire which is all about being out there and living out loud.  It is almost as if the thought of living out loud scared me and I had to pull back in my hermit shell.  It is also a good metaphor for where I’m at right now because my mind is coming up for all sorts of excuses as to why I don’t want to go to the tarot conference.  My brain is telling me that I won’t like it, that everyone will be cliquish, etc. 

I realize that I have gotten much worse about not wanting to go places since I’ve been divorced. I don’t think I truly realized how much John damaged my soul  and made me afraid to meet and interact with people.  He was so mean and horrible to me that now I am afraid to meet people.  I’m terrified that people will treat me like he did.  I need to let go of that because he is a horrible person and how he treated me was always more about him than it was about me.

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August 30, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Root of Cups

First Impressions:  I have to admit at first glance, I thought this card was a turtle.  The color red does make me think of blood and of being grounded in the earth.

Book:  Love completely.  Connect with the spirit world and intuition.  Go beyond the physical.

Guidance:   I am devout and in touch with my intuition.  I follow my heart with dedication and care.

Journaling:

Interesting as the words that jump out for me around this card are love completely.  I struggle to love completely and to open my heart.  I love Wendy completely, but I always mistrust people and assume that they have ulterior motives.  I also am not very good at following my heart when it comes to work.  I follow the money and take jobs that pay well versus jobs I know I will love.  

My goal is to get my PhD and go into academia, but I’m not sure how I will make that happen.

Where I’m At:  I had to go into the office today and I had an awesome day.  Everyone was super supportive and I ended up having a call with J. and I got to completely download how awful B is and all the garbage that goes on in our department.  I also dished about the Evil M and how horrible she makes everyone’s lives.  Not sure if it will do any good, but it certainly felt good.  I was grateful and a little annoyed that Glenn acknowledged he didn’t know if he could have developed the department without me.  That annoyed me because I feel like I never got recognition for that.

Weather:  It was warm and humid and it rained over night.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 10%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:49 / 8:04

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 June 13, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Warrior of Cups

First Impressions:  She is holding the cup weirdly, the shield is at her side, the polar bear is not ferocious

Book:  Emotional learning, idealist, proposal

Guidance:   Tap into your imagination to envision all possibilities

Journaling:

This is a strange card and I’m not sure how I feel about it.  What I find interesting is that this is a card is about emotions, but it is in the cold north where there are not a lot of people around.  To me a polar bear is more about swords than about cups.  However, I love the meaning about tapping into imagination to envision all possibilities.  I know that right now I am in a dark place where I’m thinking about all the ways the system is keeping people down.  I’m thinking about the shit show that is capitalism, about the misogyny that is rampant in our world, etc, etc.  However, I’ve always been someone who wasn’t about the statistics or the odds and I’ve always moved up even when the world was in disarray.  I need to get back to being that person.

The first thing I need to do is get the house cleaned so that it reflects calmness and not the chaos that it currently reflects.  That will help me better connect with my deities and better channel where I want to go with my life.  That needs to be my first priority in taking care of myself.  The problem is that the house has become so overwhelming that that is hard to do.  However, I’m going to take one step at a time and get the house cleaned and get rid of all the junk.  That will be the first step.

Where I’m At:  It’s Monday and I’m at home, but I did go over to the hospital today to meet the ladies for Open Table.  It was so good to get out and to meet people, but I do feel weird about the hospital.  I feel so angry that they are not even giving me the courteous of a call back.

Weather:  It was warm today, but not overly hot

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 am / 9:02 PM

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March 28, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Patient, not rushing things, wears his heart on his sleeve

Book:  Classic romantic, heart on his sleeve, in love with the idea of love

Guidance:   Move passionately toward the things that make your heart float

Journaling:

This is an interesting card for me as there is still a part of me that really wants romance and hearts and roses, but there is another part of me that feels like I’m past that and I’m ready to put my heart and soul into what I am passionate about.  I know that when I am pursuing things that fascinate me, I am a much more interesting person.  I think the challenge for me right now is to identify what is good enough at work and that is the effort I put into it while I put my heart into my passion.

My passion really is religious studies as I love looking at how religion impacts culture.  I don’t know what long term looks like, but for the short term I’m going to put my passion and heart into school and do what I need to do at work.

Where:  I’m chilling on the couch at home with Wendy at about 8:20 in the morning.  She woke me up at 6 to go out and I couldn’t fall back asleep.  The house is freezing so I’m fully dressed including my duster and socks.  There are days I don’t know if I will ever be warm again.

Weather:  It is 24 degrees out this morning and clear.  It looks like the snow will be hanging around for a few days.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 16

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:16 am / 7:47 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Open heart

Book: Welcoming the flow of feelings

Guidance: Acting from the heart

Journaling

It’s Sean’s birthday today and he’s been in my life for 30 years and it has been a roller coaster, but I am so glad that he’s my kid.  I’m also so proud of the positive changes he’s made in the last year.  He’s lost a lot of weight, he’s gone back to school, and he’s really grown up before my eyes.  I admire him so much as he goes out and runs 5Ks and I don’t know how he gets the energy.  He is also the most compassionate and loving person in the family and he has an incredibly tender heart. 

When you first have children, you tend to think of the things that you will teach them, but as they grow up, you start to realize that your children can teach you many lessons as well.  Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned from my son:

1. Dealing with Disappointment. There were many times when Sean was growing up that we could not give him everything he wanted and he, mostly, handled that with grace.
2. The value of discretion.  Sean is in a hard place as it often seems as if he is trapped between his father and me, but he manages this emotionally fraught relationship with discretion and even though it sometimes drives me nuts, I’m incredibly proud of him.
3. He understands it takes hard work to change your life.  He realized his weight was out of control last year and he took steps to change it and he’s lost a lot of weight and is feeling much better.
4. Follow your passions.  It might seem silly to some, but Sean has really been motivated to lose weight by which rollercoasters he can ride.  He gets so excited when he can ride a new roller coaster.
5. Love animals.  Our entire family loves animals, but I think Sean loves them most of all as he is kind and compassionate even to the animals that Cam and I aren’t fond of.
6. Be willing to change your mind.  Sean was adamant he wouldn’t go back to school, but then he realized that if he wanted to build a better life, he would need to go back to school and he did.
7. Pay Attention.  Sean is the best gift giver in the family and that’s because he really pays attention to what people say and he listens.
8. Do what needs to be done. Sean’s job can be miserable at times and he often comes home and complains about it, but at the end of he day he sucks it up and does it.
9. Take care of the people you love.  Sean does a great job of taking care of the people and critters he loves and even though he might grumble, he takes care of us.
10. Be your own person.  He drives me nuts sometimes and I don’t always understand his interests, but he is his own person and I’m proud of him.

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Capturing the flow, flowing into my heart

Book:  Welcoming feelings

Guidance:  Acting from the heart

Journaling

Acting from my heart is sometimes difficult for me as acting from the heart means that my heart has to be open and I have to be willing to let my love flow out and let love flow in.  That’s hard for me.  However, the more removed I am from John and Charlene, the more I am able to act from the art and to accept the love that flows into my heart as real.  I’ve always assumed that people wanted something from me and had the feeling that no one could love me for me.  However, the last few years I’ve been able to just act from my heart and do what needs to be done.  Sometimes, that means I need to make time for people when I really don’t have it, but when I am able to put aside the work and just be present for people, amazing things happen.  The paper I need to write will always be there, but the people I love may not.  That means learning to be more patient and loving with Wendy as well.  It is frustrating for me when she wants to totally be in my face, but that is her way of showing love and the more I am able to open myself to her love, the calmer she gets and she’s able to just cuddle instead of love bombing.

One of the hardest parts about opening my heart is opening it without expectations.  I’ve had to let go of the expectation that if I open my heart than I will the romantic love that I desire.  I’ve had to learn to just open my heart without any expectations of being loved back.  That’s incredibly hard as there is a possibility that I will be hurt.  However, when I go down that path, I think about the amazing dogs that I’ve had in my life and how despite coming from horrible and potentially abusive backgrounds, they’ve been able to open their hearts up and love fully and deeply.  They are just able to be in the moment and to love and it is an amazing thing to witness.  And when they do receive love they just blossom.  I need to be more like the doggos.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the yummy apples

I’m grateful for sleeping late

I’m grateful for the Krispy Kremes

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

I’m grateful that Sean appreciated the donuts

I’m grateful for the beautiful day

I’m grateful for finishing my paper

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June 13, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Card Name:  Seeker of Cups

First Impressions:  Searching for the grail

Book:  Worshiping all that is beautiful, a dreamer, an idealist, more comfortable with love from afar than day to day challenges, gallant, kindhearted

Guidance:  Do not only ponder your dreams, pursue them as well

Journaling

I’m feeling called to do something big and bold and it feels as if I’m being led. However, my guides are testing my patience because I want to see the entire path at once, but they’re reminding me that I have committed to living Cairn by Cairn and that means that I need to let go of my need to know the whole path and that I need to trust that I am being guided in the directly that I need to go in.  That is so hard for me, but I know it is the right thing for me to do.

The one thing I struggle with on this card is the fact that he is more comfortable with love from afar than the day to day challenges of a day to day relationship.  I have to admit that that is really true for me because I like the idea of romantic love and being in a relationship on a day to day basis, but I also know that that can feel like I’m being suffocated.  I don’t know what the solution is, but I’m also comfortable with not knowing where that’s going right now. 

Wow!  As I was sitting here looking at the card one more time, I realized that the cup represents the dreams and the seeker is the gumption to go after what you want.  This card is a reminder that I need to have the passion and the grit to make my dreams come true.  As I write this I realize that passion and grit can drive the organization and the steps that need to take place.  I sometimes separate my passion, my grit, and my organizational skills, but this card is telling me that I need all three.  Right now my passion is in the lead, but my grit is also important as it is F*ing hard to work a full time job that I’m not thrilled with and work on my MA.

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December 17, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Siren of Water

First Impressions:  These are actually second impressions, since I’ve pulled the Siren of Water recently 😍.  One of the things that is striking me as I look at this card a little deeper, is that Aphrodite looks very shapeless.  We tend to think of her as being a blond bombshell, but her toga completely obscures her curves.  For me, this card is about learning about emotions.

Book:  Love is a risk you must take, all that enchants the spirit and arouses the body and in doing so she opens her heart.

Guidance:  Look at yourself through the eyes of love and change what is possible.  Admit your desire.  Do or make something you love.

Journaling:

Aphrodite is not a goddess that I’ve ever been comfortable with as she seems so perfect and out of reach.  She’s the cheerleader who gets all the boys while I’m the chunky nerd no one looks twice at.

Message from Aphrodite

I am not your rival.  I am you.  Embrace my gifts of beauty and sensuality.  Let go of the fear in your heart about not being pretty enough or sexy enough.  These are old messages.  You are beautiful, kind, loving, and have a beautiful heart.  I am not your rival, I can be your coach and friend if you can open up your heart and trust.

December 28, 2018 Revisit

Wow!  As I read back over this, I have chills as this is an amazingly powerful message.  I know there are pretty girls that are mean girls, but maybe there are pretty girls who are pretty inside and out.  I always put up my defenses around pretty girls, but maybe I shouldn’t.

One of the hardest lessons I’m learning right now is that beauty truly does come from the inside out.  I know that I struggle with that as looking in the mirror and not seeing a perfect size 6 makes me feel bad about myself.  It has been a struggle to start to look for the good in myself and to find my inner Aphrodite.  I do know that cutting off people who do not support me and encourage me has helped me tremendously.  I spent my entire childhood believing that the right way to show love was to discourage people and constantly give them unwanted advice.  It was about “correcting” people by telling them they smelled like an old fisherman while in the market, even though there wasn’t anything I could do about it at the time.  It was about being passive aggressive and talking about me to others instead of being direct.  It was about “bringing me down a peg.”

In reality, none of those things are love.  Those are simply acts of cruelty.  It doesn’t matter if it was my mother who did them, they were acts of cruelty and abuse.  True love builds people up and doesn’t tear them down.  The only good thing out of that entire experience, is that I’ve learned what love is and by not following the bitch’s crappy example, I can show my kids true love by encouraging them and supporting them.

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November 22, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Exploring emotions

Book:  Knight is dreamy and romantic, not up for fighting, more for loving

Guidance:  You are feeling very romantic, celebrating the beautiful and sensual is as important as other experiences.  Don’t let romantic ideals take you away from your center

Journaling

I’m not sure what the meaning is of not letting dreams take you away from your path.  Does that I should accept a life of drudgery that is all about everyone else?  Does that mean I’m supposed to accept a loveless existence?  That is totally unacceptable to me and I refuse to believe that I don’t deserve love.  I am a beautiful, kind, and loving person and I deserve happiness in my life.  I deserve to be loved and adored.

November 9, 2018

It is almost a year later and I still feel trapped in drudgery.  It is so hard to make a life of my own choosing when I have so many bills to pay and feel responsible for other people.  I don’t know how to find my way out of this situation.

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August 25, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Siren of Water

First Impressions:  This card is beautiful and reminds me of a Botticelli painting.  Aphrodite is gorgeous and the epitome of sex appeal, but she is always painted alone.  She is the Goddess of Love, but she is never a goddess that I would call upon for love as she strikes me as not about love as much as about worship. 

Book:  Engenders desire for love, connections and communion, Passion overcoming the haughty, opening the heart.

Guidance:  Love is a risk you must take, create or do something you love, admit your desire

Journaling:

This card is yet another reminder to open my heart to love.  One of the things I’ve been pondering lately is who I want to be with.  Is it someone I already know who knows and loves the “old” me?  Or is it someone new who will just be getting to know me?  There is a part of me that feels I have to move on and that I’m ready for the next phase of my life. 

Someone I care about did something that I feel disrespected me and I’m not sure how to react.    I know that I need respect in my life and if people can’t respect me, then they don’t need/deserve to be in my life.  For me this card is about loving and respecting myself.

December 18, 2017

It was pretty cool when I was putting up the tree and found my Bremen ornament and instead of immediately thinking about who I was with in Germany, I thought about my own memories of being in Bremen around the holidays.  This was huge progress for me.  I know there will always be a part of me that loves him, but I’m done waiting and I’m ready to move on with my life.

December 26, 2017

I’ve gotten a lot better about putting myself first and loving myself.  Maybe the message of Aphrodite is that all things are about love and pleasure and that loving ourselves can help create an atmosphere where there is more love and light in the world overall.

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November 2, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Closed off emotionally

Book:  Dashed romantic hopes, halting a courtship, looking at things objectively, negative reaction to increased demands of the world

Guidance:  Don’t let your dreams delude you, maintain your emotional balance, avoid extremes

May 27, 2018 Revisit

I didn’t journal about this card, but this was right before my 50th birthday and I was feeling closed off and as if nothing I did mattered.  One of the things that I have realized over the last few years is the need to be emotionally open and to let people in.  That is really hard for me as I am not good about making friends and I don’t let people in easily. Maybe the lesson for me right now is that it is okay that I don’t let people in and that I need to stop beating myself up and trying so hard.  It’s okay that I’m not as open as other people.  Everything about me is okay and I am okay.

I just need to let my life unfold and to do the best I can.  If I continue to work hard on who I am and I am kind to myself, life will flow better.  The problem is that my shame becomes a vicious circle as I feel shame so I don’t feel like reaching out to others, then I feel closed off, then I feel shame.  I think the first step in this process might not be to let people in.  Maybe the first step in the process is to be kind to myself.

August 29, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows a female standing in front of fire with a crow on her shoulder.  To me this card is very Morrigan-esque

Book:  I know what I stand for.  I know how to protect it.  I am fire

Guidance:   Step into your power

Journaling:

I love this reminder to step into my power, but there are times this is extremely difficult.  I feel that way right now as there is part of me that feels I am running away and not living in my power.  I am so unhappy and work and if I had to name one thing that was driving me away, I would honestly say the Evil M.  She is such a fucking know it all bitch and I can’t stand her.  The Idiot B is actually second to her because I have to deal with her more often and she is just such a pushy bitch.  I could not believe that yesterday after I gave my announcement, she had to reclaim the attention.  She just cannot stand to not be the center of attention.  I don’t know how to combat that, because actually her boss should shut her down.  I am starting to wonder if he doesn’t shut her down because Asshole B. is the one that wanted to hire her.

I guess stepping into my power can also mean making the best decisions for me. 

Where I’m At:  I had to go into the office today and it sucked.  I didn’t have the final confirmation on my new job yet so I had to sit there and pretend to be engaged.  I did turn in my resignation in the evening, but I hated sitting there all day and pretending.

Weather:  It was hot today.  I took the Bento beast to work and about died on the way home with no air conditioner

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 5%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:48 / 8:05

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July 25, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Seven of Batons

First Impressions:  There is definately Christian symbolism in this card as the man is fighting with a seven headed snake and we all know snakes are generally representative of the goddess. The thing that is super strange about this card for me is that the man is naked.  I’m not sure what’s up with that.

Book:  Best outcome by sustained effort, opposition defeated, valor, debate and negotiation, positive changes, knowledge

Guidance:   Prevail against all obstacles

Journaling:

From a modern perspective, this card speaks to me of multitasking and of having to continually juggle multiple tasks.  However, the older I get the more I realize that multitasking really isn’t a time saver and that you lose focus when you multitask.  I know that when I work and watch TV, I generally only pick up the bare minimum of the plot.  What i am really starting to learn is that life is all sacred and we should treat it as such.  The more that we try to do and the thinner we are stretched, the less successful we are at anything.  Life as a whole should be treated with reverence and I don’t think we do that.  I think we work to rush though life and get as much done as possible without savoring the opportunities that life gives us to be present.

I’ve also realized that deep seated gratitude and reverence cannot be rushed.  It is something that needs to be done slowly and with deep seated gratitude.  As I come to realize this, I am working to slow life down and really approach life in all its forms with reverence and gratitude.

Where I’m At:  It’s just 8 am and I am sitting in the messy house with the dogs.  I spent a great 45 minutes upstairs meditating and saying prayers and I cam downstairs in such a peaceful mood.

Weather:  It’s cool and wet outside.  It stormed overnight so the ground and cushions are still wet, which means the Great Wendini does not want to sit outside today.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 9%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:12/ 8:52 

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 December 31, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Defend what you believe in, stand up for what is right

Book:  Endurance, attack, fighting for beliefs, perserverance

Guidance:  Stand up for what you believe in and fight till the bitter end

Journaling

What is missing in this card is that you have to know when to walk away.  Sometimes fighting till the bitter end only leaves you exhausted or harmed.  There are times when walking away is the right thing to do.  I know if I had read this card ten years ago, I would have jumped on the bandwagon that you always have to fight till the bitter end no matter wht the cause.  However, what I’ve learned is that sometimes you need to walk away to fight another day.

There are so many battles going on in our country right now and so many that I feel I cannot impact at all.  We are fighting social injustices that leave people of color dead, we are fighting against people who refuse to get indoctrinated, and we are fighting people who still think Trump won.  It is a dizzying and depressing maelstrom of anger and injustice and there are a lot of days when I just want to crawl into bed and put my head under the covers.

Maybe what John Henry is telling me  isn’t to keep fighting, but keep persisting.  This could be a reminder to keep putting one foot in front of the other; to get up when staying in bed seems easier.  Maybe this is just a reminder that life is worth it and that I make the world better by my presence.  I honestly don’t know, but I do know that there are a lot of days when the world seems so dark and black that getting up seems difficult.  

I’ll continue to reflect on this card and maybe more wisdom will present itself.

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August 16, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Fierce, defending what’s yours

Book:  Marching to defend their land

Guidance:  Stand up for what you believe in

Journaling

It felt like a day that I needed to defend what was mine.  I feel my vacation slipping through my fingers and there is a part of me that feels as if I will never truly have time for myself as everyone comes and keeps taking bits and pieces of my time.  It seems as if there is no way to defend my time as people keep taking bits and pieces of it and every bit of time that gets eroded seems to leave me a little bit less for me.  I worked really hard to make this week my week and to not get sucked into work, but people kept reaching out and asking for things.  The final straw for me was when Ted asked if we could meet on Saturday.  That felt like an incredible violation because I have very little time for myself and to have someone want to take that little bit of time away from me was pretty upsetting.

I was proud of myself for saying no and for being honest about how I felt.  It was really hard to be honest and to say that I felt ganged up on and disrespected, but I did.  I think part of the reason that I was able to do that is that I didn’t really care if I lost my job.  I was so tired of all of it that it would have almost have been a relief to get fired.  I’m so tired trying to do all the work that keeps piling up and trying to juggle everything.  It seems like the only way I could get it all done is to work all night, but I refuse to do that because there are a lot of other things that are more important to me.

I don’t know what the solution is, but I do know that I have to continue to defend my boundaries because if I don’t defend them, no one else will.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful we got home safely

I’m grateful for the beautiful drive through the mountains

I’m grateful that Charmin was happy to get the flowers

I’m grateful that I stood up for myself

I’m grateful for the hugs on the way out the door

I’m grateful for Cam keeping me awake

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July 17, 2019

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Deck:  Herbal tarot

Gilded Tarot Pulled Reversed

Deck:  Gilded Tarot