Author: Raine Shakti

 September 28, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Ace of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love the idea of opening my hands to the skies.  Although I know that lightening could kill me, this card seems gentle.

Book:  Hands and heart open, I receive boundless love and clarity of mind

Guidance:   Trust your strength

Journaling:

I love this card and the idea of getting wisdom and clarity from both the universe and myself.  Sometimes we get so mired in the ick, that we don’t have the clarity that we need to have.  I’m realizing that there are lessons I need to learn a my new company and one of the biggest is about collaboration.  I’m a competitive person and very territorial.  It is hard for me to be collaborative as I think that everyone is out to take my role.  However, this company is all about defining roles and making sure that if people are operating in the same space, everyone has boundaries.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and I spent most of the day at home, but I did go out to the office supply store and it was disappointing.  I was looking for thick steno pads and they did not have a large assortment.

Weather:  It was rainy off and on today.  It sprinkled a bit when I took the dingles for a walk and you would have thought that it was acid rain the way they behaved.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 8%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:18/7:14

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August 15, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the laurel at the bottom and how you can see the cut stems.  I also love that the sword is through the crown.

Book:  Victory, breakthrough, conquest, a just triumph

Guidance:   Claim your victory

Journaling:

I love this card.  It is absolutely beautiful.  And today feels like a day to seize the day.  I just got the most amazing job offer of my life.  They gave me exactly what I asked for and a big signing bonus.  I am so excited and I’m actually looking forward to starting this job.  It will be so fun to work on integrating a new company.  And it will be big change management, not the small time shit I’ve been doing for the last three years.

I have learned a lot from G, but I’m also learning that while he may encourage people to a certain extent, he seems to just want to collect people and not let people get out from under him.  I deserve so much better.  And I have to admit, it is kinda a bummer to be working for someone who doesn’t even have a bachelor’s.  I have so much more and varied experience than him and I’m done with this job. 

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and feeling like utter garbage.  Sean has covid and I’m worried about him.  He’s not coughing, but is just really lethargic.  I’m just going to keep checking on him.  I did get an amazing offer today and it is really too good to pass up.  I know there is no way that the Bird will match it and I really don’t want them too.  it is an amazing offer and I deserve it.  And the end of the day, the writing seems to be on the wall that Brian is grooming M to take Glenn’s place and there is no way in bloody hell that I will work for her.  

Weather:  The weather has been awesome and it was nice to sit outside.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 85%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:34/8:25

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 May 28 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  At home in the sword.  I love the windows in the shaft of the sword.  It also looks like there are tents in the sword and little men.  There is also a wreath

Book: Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into Right Action

Journaling:

The Ace of Swords for me is always about cutting through bullshit and getting to the heart of the matter.  I’ve always thought of it as cutting through emotional bullshit, but as i reflect on this card I could see it could also be a decluttering card as getting rid of the clutter can help us see a straight path and can help clear out the emotional clutter.  I know that I always feel stuck when there is so much physical clutter around.  I think that is why I love going to hotels because there isn’t so much junk.  I can see clearly and I don’t get distracted by the clutter.  

My goal for the summer is to get the house clean and cut down on the clutter.  Every other Friday we’re going to spend time cleaning.  I’m also going to spend time cleaning during the week.  this week I’ve actually got a lot done and I’m going to keep working on it today.  The problem is that I get so tired so it takes me a while, but if I just keep going bit by bit, I will get it done.

Where: I’m home today and I was actually pretty productive.  I got up early, went to the store, then to the Farmers Market.  I also had a call with Dr. Perkins about my PhD.  Things are not looking good as she thinks that Western won’t start the program up again.  However, I’m okay with that and I am just going to take it one day at a time.

Weather:  It was chilly this morning when I went tot he market, but it started to warm up in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 am / 8:51 Pm

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April 30, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Fighting the good fight, rewards for fighting, cutting through bullshit

Book:  Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into right action

Journaling:

This one makes me chuckle right now as my window is not clear and is covered with duck tape.  I like the thought of clear windows leading to right action.  This tells me that the way to figure out what I want to do in life is to clean out all the clutter so I can see clearly.  Starting next weekend, that’s what my plan is.  I want to get rid of all the physical junk so i can start working on the emotional junk.  

Physically I have been feeling horrible lately and I honestly don’t know if it is emotional clutter, true physical ailments, or something else.  All I know is that I need to get rid of all the junk so I can see my path forward.

Where:  I’m at home today and I am utterly exhausted.  My whole body is achy and it is difficult to even drag myself upright.

Weather:  It is a little chilly out, but it has been nice.

Moon Phase:  Dark Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:22 am / 8:24 PM

May 29th Update

Interesting as I read this that I made the connection between bullshit and clutter last month as well.  I did do some work cleaning out clutter, but there is still work to be done.  I think the thing is that I get totally overwhelmed and it is not only my stuff, it is everyone else’s.  Cam has opened two boxes and just left them where they lay.  She is horrible about that and I don’t know how to make things different.

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March 17, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Fractials, spiral staircase, channeling the wisdom of the universe

Book:  New ideas, clarity, truths revealed, thought, communication

Guidance:   Make use of your mindset tools

Journaling:

I’m sitting here half a sleep and feeling as if my brain will never be truly awake.  It feels as if all my best brain cells go to work.  I have to figure out a way to do my work and get paid, but still have time and energy for the stuff that matters.  I think I need to consider starting to exercise again.  I have been a couch potato lately and I have the feeling that that is part of the reason I have no energy.  I also don’t get out of the house a lot so I’m breathing in dander filled air.  

I realize that I spend a lot of time living in my brain and not living an embodied life.  I need to work to build that mind body connection so that both are strong.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting on the couch before work.  Wendy is mad because Sean is gone and she 

Weather: It is beautiful out.  It’s bright and sunny

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:35 am / 7: 35 pm

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September 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reaching for the stars

Book: Something is ready to ignite, beginning of a new phase

Guidance: Trust your innovative ideas

Journaling

This is an interesting card to have chosen for today is because one of the realizations I’ve come to is that if I am truly serious about building a life outside of the 9 to 5, I need to take actions to market myself and become a trusted resource for people in the tarot community.  I also have to give back by attending conferences and speaking if I feel called to do so.  The shift that is happening inside my soul is that I’m realizing that I do have something to give back and I do have something to talk about.  Up until recently, I’ve felt as if I didn’t have anything to say that matters, but that is starting to change as I realize that I do have a lot of wisdom to offer other people.

Some of the ways that I need to start marketing myself include posting my daily draw on Facebook on a regular basis, using instagram, and speaking at conferences.  The first two I’m struggling with as it feels as if I’m using my relationships to sell stuff.  However, when I sit back and look at things objectively, I realize that’s not the case.  I am posting something that people may or may not be interested in.  If they are not interested, then they don’t have to read it.  And by the same token, if people are not interested in what I post on Instagram, they don’t have to read it.  I’m just posting the message and that’s easier for me to do than to actively solicit business.  I think “selling” gives me a bad taste in my mouth because I have tried to sell books and other things before and I haven’t been successful as it seemed like more work went in to selling than into being creative. 

What I’m taking as the message from this card is that things will ignite, I just have to trust the pathway that I’m going down.  This is also another one of those cards that speaks to trust and trust is something I’ve historically had a lot of issues with as it is really hard for me to trust people.  I feel like the underlying message for me with this card is to trust the universe.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for dinner with the kids

I’m grateful for snuggling on the couch with the doggos

I’m grateful for laughing with Cam

I’m grateful for spending time taroting

I’m grateful for yummy beans and rice

I’m grateful for my peaceful home

I’m grateful for time spent reading and reflecting this morning

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Discerning, cutting away what no longer serves

Book:  Truth, Yoni as gateway to powers of the sword, Inspiration, insight, and keen intellect, double edged sword

Guidance:  Rationally analyze situations to make good decisions, commit yourself to the truth

Journaling:

I chose to write about the Ace of Swords today because for me this card symbolizes cutting away what is no longer needed.  I view it as a giant pair of scissors that cut away attachments that tangle us up and serve no purpose.  As summer is here, this card could also be viewed as a big pair of pruning sheers cutting away dead wood so that what is left behind can grow and find the sunlight.  Unfortunately, pruning the dead wood out of our lives is not as easy as pruning dead branches, because all too often the dead wood is relationships that have outlived their usefulness or that are strangling us.

My separation (2010) and divorce (2011) not only cleared away the dead wood of a marriage that was strangling me and causing me to become an angry and bitter person, they also illuminated the root of the problem which was an unhealthy relationship with my mother.  I realized that she had raised me to be a doormat and put everyone else’s needs above mine.  When I wanted to go to a writer’s conference and my now ex was going to watch the kids, she asked me if he was okay with that.  When I was chosen to go to a class at work, she said he should go because he worked in IT and I didn’t.  And what caused the final rift was when I told her John and I had separated and she asked how everyone else was, except me. She never once asked how I was feeling or if I was okay.  It was all about everyone else.  Then she had the audacity to say, “There’s not going to be a divorce, is there?”  It did not matter to her that I was crushed and devastated, all she cared about was everyone else’s feelings and about social standing.  That was a moment of truth for me and at that moment it felt as if a flashlight was illuminating my entire relationship with my mother and I realized how she had hurt me.

Cutting your mother out of my life was difficult because there was a part of me that felt guilty and as if maybe I was overreacting, but when she guilt tripped me on my 50th birthday and refused to even consider that my feelings might be valid, I realized I had made the right choice.  However, knowing intellectually you’ve made the right choice and knowing in your heart you’ve made the right choice are two different things.  There are so many moments in my life where I want a mom to be there for me and to listen to me and to help me figure things out, but I don’t have that mother in my life.  It hurts sometimes and there are times I Google estranged parents online to see if there is anything else I can do to heal the rift, but there’s nothing.  At the end of the day, if she refuses to acknowledge her part in the rift there is nothing I can do.   I’ve also pondered if I could have a more superficial relationship with my mother, but I also know that that wouldn’t work because anytime I told her she that a topic was off limits, she would pout.  It still hurts, but I also know that I’m in a healthier place because she is not in my life.

I’m also working to apply the sword of truth to other people in my life and over the past week I’ve realized that I need to cut a friend out of my life who was my rock during my divorce.  As I sat and listened to him complain about how people had teased him, I realized he was being a hypocrite and the teasing he’d endured was no worse than what he had dished out to me.  The worst was when I fell and got a serious concussion.  He told a coworker that I was drunk and wearing high heels when it happened.  And when I protested, he said I was being too sensitive.  As I look back at the incident, I realize I was in no way being too sensitive.  It would have been one thing to say that to me in a teasing manner, but to say that to someone else was out of line.  I reminded him of that and he chuckled as if it was no big deal.  I realized that our friendship wasn’t going to work any longer because I’ve grown and changed and I no longer accept disrespect in my life.

Exercise:

Visualize the toxic people who are holding you back and see the ribbons of energy that are attaching you to those people.  Pull out your great big sword of truth or a big pair of shiny pruning sheers and virtually cut those energetic ties.  Once you’ve got the times, take a moment to thank them for whatever lessons they’ve brought to your life and let them go.  For some relationships, you may have to do this exercise multiple times, but eventually you will know that the cords have been cut.

May 29, 2022 Update

Wow!  I had forgotten about how B. responded after I got my concussion.  That was a total jackass thing to do and there is no way in hell I was too sensitive about how he behaved.  He was being a jackass and there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  That was a horrible thing to do and to say.  I deserve better than that.

December 21, 2017

Ace of Air Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Ace of Air

First Impressions:  The first impressions of Nemesis are not positive.  I get the impression that she is pointing at someone and giving them unsolicited advice or shaming them.  However, she isn’t waving her sword around so I guess unsolicited advice is better than the alternative.  I do love the colors on this card as the gold of her tunic is a slightly lighter color than the gold of the field.  The ace of swords always tells me that this is about cutting through bullshit.

Book:  The first step in discernment:  Perceive what exists.  Grants the knowledge of what is right and good.  Enforcing the limits beyond one which one should not perceive.

Guidance:  Apply objectivity to achieve clarity, mediate your ego, stay nimble, moderate your sacrifice.

Journaling:

I like the reminders in this card.  It is more guidance to stay in the middle path.  I also have to be objective.  I know this who reorganization is nt about me at all, but my ego is feeling shuffled to the side so I’m a tad annoyed that I have to let go of my feelings.  No!  I don’t need to let go, I need to acknowledge.

December 28, 2017

I have grown so much in the last year and I am so much better about not making it all about me.  Okay, that’s not exactly true, I do tend to make it all about me, but then I talk myself off the ledge and I see things more rationally.  Watching yourself grow up is a pretty cool experience!

November 17, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Cut through the bullshit

Book:  Gift of the sword is intellect, powerful and dangerous words can heal or hurt

Guidance:  Use the gift of thought well, to see the world clearly, to communicate well, be aware of having a sharp tongue

Journaling

I love the meaning of this card and the reminder that logic can cut both ways.  I can think my way into  box when I only look at cold, hard facts.  I have learned that to see the whole picture, I have to use both logic and emotion. 

My brain tells me that it will never happen and that I should move on.  My heart tells me a different story.  My heart tells me it will happen and I need to continue to believe.  For now, I’m going to continue to believe my heart. 

November 20, 2017

The ace of swords cuts through bullshit.  This is a great card to pull when life seems murky and there is a need to step back and review.  This is also a great card to pull when you need to cut ties with someone.

November 8, 2018

Interesting read on this card as it is about using logic and about cutting ties.  I’m finally at that place where I’m ready to cut ties.  My feelings for him served a very useful purpose in my life, but I’m finally feeling strong enough to move on and be my own self.  If I put as much love and energy into my life as i do into that pursuit, I will have a kick ass life.

November 18, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First impressions:  Lay down your weapons

Book:  Be aware of having a sharp tongue, potential to be valiant and victorious, negative omen suggesting chaos and dysfunction, unfulfilled ambition, imbalance, thought disconnected from heart, not the time to face things

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power

Journaling

What a wonderful card to have drawn today.  it is a little scary to think of Trump in power, but this is where I have to act with both my head and my heart.  I have to be smart and protect my assets and my kids, but I also have to function and do what’s right and get involved in what matters to me.  I have to give my life meaning by advocating for mental health and women’s rights.  My voice and time have to be spent protecting what matters.

July 5, 2019

I haven’t done a lot of advocating or working toward change and I have to be honest and say that a big reason is that it feels useless.  The people who believe what I believe are going to continue to believe what I believe and the ones who don’t, do not seem to be inclined to change their minds.  I have worked on turning inward and improving myself.  One of the ways I believe that I can change the world is to not be so reactive and to be more measured in my response.  I think when we all rush from thing to thing as trump lumbers through the world and if we are more measured and less reactive, the world will be more calm and we will get through this.

October 14, 2016

Deck;  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, lack of clarity

Book:  Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head

Journaling

I feel like nothing I do matters for me.  Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me.  We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I’m still stuck in Chicago every week.  All I want is to find love and be happy.  I have to be honest and say that I’m thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn’t seem to matter for me.  I feel like just a vehicle for other people’s happiness, but I’m not worthy of happiness myself.

Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that’s hard when life sucks and you don’t have the one thing that matters.  I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with.  I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me?  Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough?  I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me.  I’ve fought so hard against needing someone, but I’m ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.

Goddess, please guide me to my love.

May 24, 2018

I wish that I could say that in the time since I’ve written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I’ve been working really hard not to lie to myself.  There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely.  However, I’ve been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways.  That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don’t like to be selfish.  However, I’m starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing. 

A big part of the reason, I’m able to start doing this is because I’m able to say F* you to my mother’s voice in my head.  I’m able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things.  I deserve a car of my own.  I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me.  I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch.  I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.

It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday.  And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people.  That is all so much BS.  I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me.  I am capable of doing all of those things by myself.  That doesn’t mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me.  But what she added on actually made me feel good.  She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding.  That made me feel good

September 24, 2016

Ace of Swords Hanson Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  The sword is piercing a laurel wreath, does this portend victory?  The hilt of the sword is bound with leather and there appears to be a ruby in the hilt.  The sun is shining through the clouds and reflecting off the sword.  The sword speaks to me of new beginnings and intellectual opportunities.

Book:  Clarity, success, sharp focus, cut attachments that no longer serve us, instrument of change, new beginnings

Guidance:  Be true to yourself

Journaling:

This week has truly been about the need to cut away and leave things that no longer serve me behind.  Right now I’m feeling the need to pull away from a coworker who I don’t feel is working in our client’s best interests.  It also makes me wonder if this is about cutting ties with people who were important, but who I’ve drifted away from.

December 23, 2017

It’s interesting to reflect on this card today because I’ve been working hard to cut some cords that no longer serve me.  I’ve realized that I need to cut cords with John and quit getting all swirly about what he does or does not do in his life.  I’ve worked hard to let go of being judgmental and to let go of commenting on other people’s decisions that don’t affect me, but with him I continue to judge.  I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants him to fail and have a miserable life because of how he abused me and hurt me.  However, all that holding on to that anger does is keep me tied to him.  I need to let go of that rope that is keeping me tied down because it truly no longer serves me.

I also need to let go of someone who was so instrumental in my healing, but who no longer has a true role to play in my life.  I need to be grateful for the unconditional love he gave me and accept that our paths have diverged.

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April 20, 2016

Ace of Air Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Journaling:

Oddly enough, I initially read this card as reversed as the butterfly is hanging upside down.  To me this card reversed would be about cocooning and not being ready to go through a change.  However, the card is actually upright and shows me blossoming and being ready to spread my wings and fly.

I think I’m finally in a place were I can really love.  I can accept that I am worthy of love and worthy to be someone’s partner.

December 25, 2017

Last year in a lot of ways was about laying the groundwork for being ready for love.  It was about understanding what unconditional love is and what it isn’t.  Unconditional love is about loving someone in spite of their annoying habits and idiosyncrasies, but it is not about loving someone who is abusive.  It is also not about sacrificing yourself on the altar of love.  John demanded sacrifices that I wasn’t willing or ready to give and his favorite line was, “Well if you loved me, you would..”  However, that’s not what love is.  Love is not about forcing or guilting someone in to doing something.  It is about giving and receiving love with an open heart. 

Love doesn’t mean that you have the right to demand someone sacrifice themselves for you.  You can accept someone’s sacrifice, but you cannot demand it.  John constantly browbeat me and manipulated me under the pretense of love.  I’m strong enough now to accept and realize that if he truly loved me, he would not have demanded the sacrifices he demanded. 

I’m so proud of how much I have grown and matured in the past year because I am in a place where I understand what love is and I understand that it is okay to say no to someone you love and that it is okay to set boundaries with someone you love.

 September 27, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card as it shows the women both carrying the flame and walking through the flame.  Additionally, she is shown brought to her knees by the flames.

Book:  I release all guilt that arises from lessening  my load.

Guidance:   Nourish your heart and spirit

Journaling:

I love the meaning in this card and it encompasses a lot of what I am learning.  I took on too much at da Bird.  I should have just done change management and if I only worked four hours a day, so be it.  I get all caught up in having to work 8 hours, but I’m not getting paid by the hour, I’m getting paid to deliver and if there isn’t enough to do, that is not my problem.  I learned a lot and a big part of it was not always raising my hand.  That is a lesson that I need to reflect on as I’m on to the next big adventure.

I also have to accept that taking care of me is not a bad thing.  I chose not to go out tonight because I didn’t want to.  I just wanted to chill out, take the dogs for a walk, and have a quiet evening at home.  And that’s all good.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today sitting on the couch with the doggos.  However, I had a good day at work and then I took the doggos for a walk.  They even got pets and hugs from the UPS man.

Weather:  It was rainy earlier today, but it turned into a nice day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 3%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:17/7:16

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 May 26, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Burdened, faces in the castle, carrying more than my fair share

Book: Burden, responsibilities, effort, excess, work

Guidance: Water the seeds to grow your work

Journaling:

The guidance for this card is like a knife through my heart as it is telling me that I need to put my time and attention on where I want to go and not on the bullshit work that I’m doing.  If I want to move into a teaching and research position,   Your life goes where you put your energy and right now my energy is going into something that doesn’t make me happy.  I need to figure out how to transition to putting  my energy toward things that do make me happy.  I’m going to start putting at least some time every Friday afternoon toward my dissertation project and my book.  Even though I would like to put more time toward it, I know that my body just isn’t up for that.  I just have to keep reminding myself that slow and steady does win the race.

Where:   I’m at home and it was one of those super painful days where I was just exhausted and feel as if I have absolutely no energy.  I went to bed early.

Weather:  It was overcast this morning while we were out and about and now it is raining.  It is actually kind of relaxing to sit here in the living room with the rain outside the window.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 25%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55 am / 8:51 pm

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January 11, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Divine

First Impressions:  Being crushed under the pressure of tasks

Journaling

Interesting that I drew this card twice in little over a week.  I also have to confess that I initially tried to put it back because I just journaled on it, but then it jumped out again so I knew my guides really had messages for me.  Today was definitely a ten of wands day as I sat down at my desk and felt like I was already behind.  Glenn slammed us with a task to pull together information on what the plants did last year and what is coming up. One of the things  multiple pulls of the Ten of Wands are telling me are that I need to delegate.  I need to let go of the idea that I am the only ones that can do certain things and learn to trust other people.  I have had to start involving other people and handing things over.  That is super hard for me to do.  However, I’ve started out by trusting Mercedes and learning to hand small things over to her.  Now I have a couple of other people I’ll be handing things over to and it is really hard, but I have to trust them.  

I think life has gotten so overwhelming because I have been reluctant to ask for help and delegate, but if I don’t, I am going to stay stuck.  I’ve started doing that at home too because I just can’t keep up with it all so I have to do what I can and start trusting others to do things to be best of their ability.

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January 3, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Circle of life, growing from decay

Book: Overwhelmed, stressed, obligation, refusing aide, duty

Guidance:  Accept help when it is offered

Journaling

This is a message that I really needed to hear today as I believe that no one can do things as well as I can so I turn down help.  I turn down the kids cooking dinner, I turn down people helping me at work, etc.  While it is true that in a lot of situations people will not do as good of job as I can, it is also true that if I coach them and work with them, they may be able to do as good or better of job than I can.

I think there is a part of me that really fears being doing as good of job as I can because if someone else can do as good of job or better than I can, then what use am I?  However, what I have learned is that a lot of people can do pieces of what I do as good or better than I can, but there are very few people who can do the breadth of what I can do well.  I also know that the truth of it is that if I can mentor people to do the things that I can do, then I can more exciting things.  If I hold on so fiercely to things, then there will not be opportunities for me to grow and do new things.  I need to commit to mentoring people to do some of the things that I do so that I can move on and do more things.  

To be honest, this is why G. is successful as manager, he can’t do what I can do or what the PMs can do, but he can oversee it and point us in the right direction.  I think I am so used to doing the work that it is difficult for me to conceive of not knowing all the ins and outs of what people do.

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September 25, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reaching into simplicity, leaving the confusion behind

Book:  Confusion, carrying too much

Guidance:  Return to a belief in the goodness of nature

Journaling

This is an interesting read on the ten of wands.  I chose this card because I’m feeling overworked and overburdened as if everyone else’s problem has become my problem.  However, the realaity is that I have a savior complex and I want to jump in and save the day.  I volunteer when I should just keep my mouth shut.  I did that this week when I volunteered to go to that client on Friday.  That was a stupid thing to do because it means that I won’t get home until Friday night and that really pisses me off.  However, it was my own idiot fault.  I volunteer to let people take advantage of me, then I get pissed when they do.   I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

One of this aspects of this card that I really found interesting was viewing the burdens as different spiritual paths and taking he action to simplify.  That’s interesting guidance for someone who has a fascination with all religious practices.  One of the messages that I take from that is that they all do lead to the same place and that’s something that I have always believed.  I think we find the path that is right for us based on who we are, but that every path has value and every path can be that simple stick we carry forward with us.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the exchange with Sean

I’m grateful Cam is okay

I’m grateful for the conversation with John

I’m grateful for the thank you from Joe

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Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Overshelmed, hiding out

Book:  Burdens, taking on more than we can handle, may have to admit their are commitments you can no longer keep,

Guidance:  Prioritize, ask yourself what commitments you can really keep

Journaling:

I feel totally overwhelmed today and if there is not time to do everything that I need to do.  I want to finish school and it is so important to me, but I don’t know how to do that and meet all my commitments at work.  There is a part of me that just wants to curl up and sleep and let the world pass me by.  In fact, that’s what I did last night.  I went to bed and slept for 13 hours straight.  It felt wonderful, but I woke up and still have the stuffy head and feel awful.  I think the secret is that I have to be willing to let my body rest.  I abuse my body so much by pushing myself too hard because I think I can do it all.  However, the reality is that I can’t do it all and I need to treat my body with respect.  I need to stop and say, “Enough!”

This weekend is my weekend of enough.  There is stuff to clean, I need to finish painting, I need to clean out the car, and there is still work to be done.  But I don’t have the time, the energy, or the inclination to do it.  I’ve said enough and I just need to relax and sit back and be peaceful.  I need to cook and eat simple food, I need to snuggle the dog, I need to binge watch Bourdain, and I need to make time to just be.  When I push myself so flipping hard, I’m like the person in the image with the world falling down around her ears as she becomes buried by responsibility.  The amount of work to do can seem scary and overwhelming and I’ve realized that sometimes it really is okay to just say no, to say no to the extra work, to say no to going somewhere, to say no to doing one more thing.  It really is okay to just say no.

Gratitudes

Decent sleep

Kudos from David

Kudos from Arlona

Going to bed early

My bedroom not being miserable

Sitting outside with the dogs

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January 1, 2018

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Weighed down and burdened

Book:  Bent over from the weight of his burden, vision is blocked, cannot see beyond visible path

Guidance:  Don’t allow yourself to be a beast of burden, be positive

Journaling

This card really sums up where I’ve been lately.  It really feels as if I am walking around carrying everyone else’s burdens and doing things to make life easier for others.  I’m tired of doing that and I’m tired of sacrificing.  I’m also tired of being lonely and empty inside.  I just feel so unloved and so empty.

Clean house and get rid of the junk and you’ll feel better.  Also let go of getting your sense of self/reason for living from external sources.

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November 13, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Taking on burdens that are not ours

Book:  Almost finished with arduous task, light at the end of the tunnel inspires you

Guidance:  Draw on your most basic instincts for the strength to finish what you started, do not stop too soon

Journaling

This card is a reminder to me to not take other people’s burdens on.  I’m really bad about taking burdens on that are not mine to bear.  I’m especially bad at taking on my daughter’s burdens.  That poor kid has so much to bear.  I need to help, but I also need to let her blossom into the strong and independent person that she is.

Please dearest ones, hold her in your arms and help her.  Help her to know she is always loved.

November 20, 2017 Review

I need to let go and let other’s find their own way.

October 30, 2018

I am still really bad about taking on things that are not mine.  Like the other day I was looking on job sites for jobs for my daughter.  She is 26 years old, she is perfectly capable of looking for jobs herself.  I also need to stop cleaning up after everyone even though in some ways it is easier to just do it than to complain to people.  The problem is that when I do just break down and clean up after people, I end up being resentful and unhappy.  I need to find a middle way that marries my own peace of mind with holding people accountable.

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May 10, 2017

Deck:  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  Carrying too many burdens

Book:  Parts of the load are someone else’s.  You need to learn when enough is enough.  Become focused on changing your goals

Guidance:  Look for ways to lighten your load.  Pace yourself.  Don’t try to do too much.  As for help.  Allow others to carry their responsiblities.

Affirmation:  I lighten my load

Journaling

Interesting card as it is telling me some of my burdens are not my own.  I know that means karmically as well as my immediate family.  I had an intreseting dream / knowing last night.  I’ve always thought my dad would like X because he’s a standup guy, but I saw a different perspective last night as my dad would focus on his romantic history.  I’ve moved on from these facts to realize that you have to seize happiness.

May 14, 2016 Revisit

It’s interesitng to see the situation through another perspective and try to figure out what my dad would have thought.  It’s also intresting that I bring out the bad boy in X to a certain extent.  I make him laugh and am sometimes a playmate.  I don’t think others always see that side of him as they just see the white knight.

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September 28, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

Name of Card:  Ten of Rods

First Impressions:  These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon.  The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak.  It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange.  This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book:  Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance:  Set better boundaries, do not take on other people’s stuff.

Journaling:

This was exactly the card I needed to pull today.  Gateway is being their usual moronic selves.  They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces.  However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I’m not responsible for their decisions.  Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, “It’s not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me.  All of this is about them and their bad decision making.  I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy.”

December 23, 2017 Recap

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in.  It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior.   They constantly took on insanity that wasn’t theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways.  It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they’re driven by codependency. 

One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don’t like them, too bad.  I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests.  I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior.  Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away.  It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my small little family is loving and peaceful and that matters.

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Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Fire (pulled reversed)

First Impressions:  Despair, hopelessness, loss of everything that is important, trapped within the flames

Journaling

This is a card of release and of trusting the unverse to overcome the devestation.  It is about knowing that fire is part of the cycle of life and that out of the devastation there is new growth.  It is about accepting that what once was will never be again, but that in its place something new will grow.  Just like no one knows exactly what mix of plants will grow after a fire, I don’t know how my new life will play out.  All I can do is surrender and trust that the universe will provide.  I’ve done my planting seeds, now I just need to trust the universe will provide and that there will be rebirth.

I have to surrender my expectations of what those outcomes are.  That is the most difficult part.

January 5, 2022 Review

It’s interesting as I revew this post, because until I reread this I never realized how different the reading for the Gaian Spirit was from the more traditional ten of wands.  In a way they are both about burdens as a fire creates its own kind of burden.  It is also interesting to read this five years after I wrote it as my life has changed a lot since I wrote that.  I have a job where I don’t travel so much and I got my MA degree, which wasn’t even on my radar at the time I initially posted this.

 September 26, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Thunder

First Impressions:  This card makes me sad as the person has gone within and seems to have withdrawn from everyone and everything.

Book:  I am at home with myself.  I am supported by the world around me.  I take the time I need to listen.

Guidance:   Go within to find clarity

Journaling:

I love this reminder to go within to find clarity.  All too often, I look outside of myself for clarity, but that is not where it is found.  Clarity is found inside.  It is when I take time to listen to myself.  One of the overarching messages I have been receiving lately is that I don’t have to give 100% to any job. I just have to meet the needs of the job.

At the bird, I should have never volunteered for more work.  I should have just done my own job and let everything else fail.  I would have ended up working like 4 hours most days and that would have been okay.  I just need to do what is expected of me.  Then I will have time for the things that are important to me.

I also need to think about what is important to me and where I want to go with my life.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and spent the day working.  Then Sean and I had a blowup over him leaving sauce on the counter.  Come to find out he was really upset because a dog at the apartment complex jumped out of a second floor window to get to Wendy.  He got up and walked, but was limping.

Weather:  The weather has been off and on all day.  It rained for a bit this morning, but it has cleared up now.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 0%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:16 / 7:18

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August 25, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Thunder

First Impressions:  Sadness, curled onto oneself, crying.  The seal in this card makes me think of Sedna.

Book:  The ocean embraces you, retreat into the peaceful waters

Guidance:   I am at home with myself.  I am supported by the world around me.  I take the time to listen.

Journaling:

I need to have some me time and even though I felt bad saying no to Cam coming with me, I need time alone and I never seem to get it.  Every time that the kids are supposed to leave, something comes up and they don’t go anywhere.  I want time alone in my own house and I never ever get it.  And the house just feels like it is filled up with more and more stuff.  I know some of it is mine, but a lot of it is the kids.

It is getting really hard to not feel resentful of the kids taking over my house.  I love them dearly, but I want space and time alone.  I think that’s why the thought of buying this house in Sharon and having space for myself is kind of exciting.  Maybe someday I will have my house to myself, but I guess the only way I get time alone is to go out of that house.  I’m thinking when I buy this house I spend a week at the house and a week in Cleveland.  I will also have to make sure I get the yard fenced so that I can let the dogs out.  I won’t trust them at first.  I just have to keep trusting that it is all going to work out.

Where I’m At:  I drove to Buffalo today and had a lovely day.  It was a beautiful day to drive and I took the long way along the lake and it was just beautiful to see the vineyards and the lake.  I really do love living along Lake Erie.  I wish I could figure out a way to afford to live along the lake.

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day today.  The sun was shining and there was just a hint of a breeze.  When I got to Buffalo, it was warm, but then there was this beautiful breeze.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 3%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:44 / 8:12

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March 9, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Being picked part, this is how I feel when I am overwhelmed with responsibilities and it feels like everyone wants  piece of me

Book:  Stalemate, a crossroads, opposing ideas

Guidance:   Make a choice

Journaling:

As I reflect on this, I realize I am not in a position to make a choice and that’s okay.  I am physically exhausted, overwhelmed with work and school, and stressed beyond belief by the pandemic.  I need a break as I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically broken right now.  I need time to take care of me and not have to deal with Wendy whining, the dogs fighting, the kids struggling to find jobs, and all the other stressors that I have in my life.  I just need to take a break.

Maybe I do need to go away with Wendy for a weekend.  I could find a cabin or someplace that will let me have a dog and she and I could leave on a Friday and come back Sunday afternoon.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting on the couch with Sean and Clark and Wendy is sitting in the orange chair looking sad that Clark is on the couch with us.  She’s giving me the sad face that’s breaking my heart.  I am also so exhausted that I can’t sleep straight.  I haven’t gotten a good night sleep all week.

Weather: It is cold and icky outside today

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:46 am / 6:27 pm

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 January 4, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Calming oneself before making a decision, reflection, not making decisions out of blind emotion

Book: Facing fears, precarious position, stalemate, denial

Guidance: When faced with hard choices, they must be made at some point in time.  You cannot let them linger too long.

Journaling

The one aspect of this card that is new for me is facing fears.  In the past, I’ve spent a lot of time making decisions out of fear.  I was afraid of being broke, I was afraid of not having the money I needed.  However, I’ve never thought about the flip side of the fear which is being trapped in a life I hate.  I don’t like my job.  It bores me, I hate the politics, I feel like nothing I do matters.  I stay only because of the money.  However, the bad part of that is because I’m unhappy, I spend more than I should which means I have less money and am more trapped.  

The truth is that I get bored at once job and jump to one that is doing the exact same thing for someone else.  What I really want to be able to do is help people and to make a difference.  I don’t do that in the job that I’m in.  However, I need to stay one more year so I will be vested in my 401K.  It would be stupid to walk away from about $20k.  I will take this year to explore what fascinates me, to work on my MS in Thanatology, to explore PhD programs and to develop a plan to do something different and to not just jump into another job doing the same thing.  I will also spend this year facing my fears of being broke and figure out how I can build some internal security by paying off bills and putting myself into a better financial situation.

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May 5, 2020

Chicory is an interesting plant for me because when I was growing up and we would go on trips with my grandmother, she would always point it out and call it Blue Ruin.  As this was in the days before the internet, I had no way of looking it up to see why it was called that and she didn’t know either.  I did Google it, but couldn’t find anything related to it being called Blue Ruin.  Why that memory is important is that Chicory (Two of Air) in The Herbcrafter’s Tarot is telling me to let go of long held beliefs and to let go of worn-out beliefs and one of the messages that my grandmother hammered into my head was that I needed a man to survive.  Starting when I was about 14 or 15 every time I went to visit her, she would ask if I had a boyfriend yet and when I went to college, she wasn’t interested in what I was learning or what was happening at school, all she cared about was whether or not I had a boyfriend.

She wasn’t the only one that was drilling the message into my head that I needed a man to be whole, my parents were also sending that message.  My father made it clear that the only degree he would pay for was an accounting degree because then I could support myself in the event that I had to.  When I reflect upon that now, I’m realizing that the message was that supporting myself was a fall back plan because the ideal course of action would be to be supported by a man while I did the “housewifely” things like cooking and cleaning.  Why would a woman ever want to support herself?  My mother reinforced this idea by expecting everything I did in life to be about someone else.  This continued up until the day I had had enough with her and cut her out of my life.  That day came when I told her I was separating from my husband and her questions where “How are the kids?” and “There’s not going to be a divorce, is there?”  There was no concern for me or how I felt, instead it was (as it had always been) about everyone else.

I’ve worked hard in the last 10 years to learn that I am an amazing and awesome person all by myself and that I don’t need someone to support me.  That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone in my life, but it does mean that I’ve learned that I am a whole human being all by myself.

The Wise Leader reinforces this by reminding me that I can be a beacon for others and I can lead people.  This has been a hard lesson for me as well as my father continually reminded me that women were not leaders, women should not be in a position of power over men.  The last few years have been about coming into my own as a person and as a leader and I’m realizing that I am strong and that I can stand proud and lead people.

These were awesome cards and a good reminder for me to continue to let go of all the old and hateful lessons.

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September 26, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Looking within to decide whether to continue to protect herself or put down her swords and open herself to something new

Guidance:  A choice needs to be made

Journaling

I love the reading on this card as it seems like I always have my swords up, I don’t seem to be able to let down my guard and let people in.  I also am realizing that I hold in a lot of pain and I don’t seem to be able to let it out.  I also like to be the hero and that hurts me a lot as it means I give up time with my family and my baby doggie to go and rescue people who have gotten themselves into jams.  The thing is I have had my swords up and my shields up for so long that I don’t know how to let them down and let people in.  I really want to have people in my life who care about me, but that’s hard to do when I work this crazy funky job where I travel all the time. I also know that the work and school are distractions that make me feel worthwhile.  It seems hard to believe that I am worthy just for being me.

It’s interesting that as I started to write this, my shields went up and I didn’t even want to go back to the cards as it seemed too painful and too emotional.  I’ve also been reading about breathing meditations and how they ask you to sit with the pain and let it flow.  That is hard for me as I’ve learned that when I start jumping from window to window or thing to thing that there is something that I’m avoiding and this card hit me in the pit of my stomach and that means that I like to think I’ve let go of the pain and that I’m open to love that I’m really not.  There is still a part of me that feels unworthy of love and that feels as if I have to have my shields up to prevent people from seeing how unworthy I really am.  It makes me sad that there is a part of me that feels that way and I’m not sure how to reach that little girl deep inside me and comfort her and hold her and tell her that all the people that said mean things were wrong.

I think I need to go back to the inner child meditation and spend some time comforting that scared little girl inside of me.  I’ve done some of that work, but it seems that it is

Gratitudes

I’m grateful my flight was on time

I’m grateful for the good convo with Tom

I’m grateful for the red jeep

I’m grateful Sean arrived safely

I’m grateful that my hotel is quiet

I’m grateful for the Portillos

January 4, 2022 Review

I’d forgotten about this interpretation of the Two of Swords as protecting one’s heart.  I reread Lisa’s interpretation of the card and I realize that I am still protecting my heart.  There is a part of me that is really afraid of doing coaching or counseling because, as an empath, I pick up people’s pain and to be a good coach, I need to put down my shields and see people’s pain and that is terrifying for me.  However, maybe another way of looking at it is that I can acknowledge their pain, but I don’t have to take it on.  If I don’t take it on, I can better help guide them.  This is something to think about.

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July 16, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Actively making a choice, not being passive

Book:  Conscious choice to retreat, Confidence, mental agility, peace, and composure are the gifts of this card

Guidance:  Go within and calm your mind, listen closely to your intuition, stay connected to your feelings, do not run away, be prepared to take action

Journaling

I love this card as it shows someone who is not being passive and not just sitting there waiting for a decision to happen.  It seems this person is actively choosing to make a decision and accepts that going within is part of that process.  What I sometimes struggle with in going within is letting go of the fear and the mental chatter as those are the two things that always trip me up.  What helps is when I am able to let go of my preconceptions and choose to listen to the goddess.  When I can do that, I can listen to my intuition.  I know that I am being led right now and I’m not sure exactly what the path is, but I know that there is a path and it is being shown to me.

There is a part of me that would just love to say F* it and go live on a mountaintop somewhere and not have any worries or responsibilities.  However, the truth of the matter is that we always have responsibilities and we always have cares and worries.  I think I’m still feeling jealous because even though on paper I have the better life, it seems that John has the less stressed life as he just gets to live on government funding in North Carolina while I have to work my ass off to keep moving forward.  In my perfect world, I’d spend all day doing research and writing, but I don’t live in my perfect world and I need to pay the bills.  I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working to figure things out.  At the end of the day, that is really all I can do.

What my intuition is also telling me about this card is that I need to make some time to actively search for my right path.  I need to make some time where I can let go of all the weirdness and all the work and just go within.

Gratitudes

Cam was accepted into the English program

Cindy is looking forward to our meeting

I am feeling a little better

Yummy Greek potatoes

Good Steering Committee

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November 20, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Experiencing conflict between logic and intuition,  battle between head and heart remains unsolved

Guidance:  You have to decide, lock on the decision and decide, pretending it isn’t there, won’t make it go away

Journaling

I’ve made my decision.  I’m going to manifest a relationship with X.  I know the risks an I know the potential hurt, but I’m ready to move forward.  Life is not without risk and pain and unless I embrace this fully, it will not happen.  No more wimpy magick that says or something better.  There is no something better.  He is who I want and that’s that.  And I’m not going to focus on the downsides or how it will play out, I’m going for it.

November 25, 2017 Review

Making a decision to truly commit and go for it is a little difficult, but I’m ready.  I’ve been working on letting go of all the excuses I’ve come up with for it not working and I’m done making excuses.

I am worthy and I deserve happiness.

November 9, 2018 Review

I’m realizing that it truly is because I am worthy and deserve happiness that the relationship with X did not happen.  I’m realizing that at the end of the day, a relationship between us would not have worked.  While he lives in my work world, he doesn’t live in my spiritual world and that just wouldn’t work.  I’ve realized that while I was not the desperate divorcee that became a barfly, I was desperate in my own way and chased someone that would have been equally bad for me because I was lonely and had no self esteem.  Now that I am truly valuing myself,  I’m realizing that it is better to be alone than in a relationship that wouldn’t work. 

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April 19, 2017

Deck;  Herbal tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Make a decision

Book:  Beginning of a new cycle.  Integrating logic and intuition.  Tranquility and balance.  Deception and being blind to deception

Guidance:  Guard against indecision.  Listen to heart’s wisdom.  Make the decision

Affirmation:  I make decisions

Journaling

I’m not sure how to read this card. It could be about someone being indecisive about a decision or about making bad choices.  

Don’t drown in a sea of emotions, just take the day as it comes.  Use logic as well as intuition. The problem right now is your inability to receive love.  It is hard for you to open your heart and trust.  Let go of the shield.

January 15, 2022 Revisit

On the messages about letting down the shields and receiving.  This is still really hard for me to do as I often assume that people have ulterior motives.  However, I will say that loving Luke broke my heart wide open.  I loved that boy so much as he was so loving and he seemed to know exactly when I needed him.  I also love Wendy and she is such a reminder to love myself because she and I share some of my least favorable characteristics:  big, loud, bossy, snores, etc.  However, the more I love her, the more than I know I should love myself.

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October 12, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance:  Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now.  I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn’t what I want.  I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago.  I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here.  For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week. 

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it.  I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018 Review

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago.  For the longest time, I’ve chosen to stay with one foot in each city.  However, I’m realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back.  I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind.  he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go.  Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago. 

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May 19, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Two of Air

First Impressions:  Soft still voice, stillness, being connected, choosing to listen

Journaling:

This card is about stillness and listening to guidance.  It is about having those small voices whispering in my ear.  Interesting as I am finally starting to realize that unless things change X and I cannot have a relationship of equals.  He loves rescuing and being the knight in shining armor.  I don’t know if he is capable of having a relationship with equals as he has spent his life rescuing women.  he liks to be in that position and when I am really honest with myself, I realize that the times when we were closest were when he was rescuing me.  

I don’t know if we ever really had an equal relationship or if it has always been an unequal relationship.  I’ve always tried to talk myself out of recognizing his chauvinism, but I know it is there.  The small still voice is telling me to walk away.

October 22, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This card jumped out of me and spoke to me because Lisa had a link in the wrong place as the link I clicked was supposed to take me to the Four of Wands, which was my card for yesterday.  However, the link went to a Four of Cups reading.  This card always makes me sad because it is a painting that Lisa did of her brother who ended up manifesting a rare disease that created holes in the brain (Note:  These were her words and not mine).  This card is about not wanting more.  Interestingly, this reading also reflects my own thoughts on the four of cups as I view it as saying no to things that are not wanted or needed.

Book:  Being able to discern what makes you feel good

Guidance:   Saying no to what you don’t need

Journaling:

Choosing this card because it was erroneously linked to the four of wands is the kind of amazing magick that I love in my life.  And what was interesting is how these cards are linked, at least in Lisa’s deck.  The four of wands is about ritual and wonder and the four of cups was about the death of her brother and death and ritual go together.  

The core of this card is about letting go and refusing what no longer serves you and that is something I have been thinking a lot about lately.  We have WAY too much stuff in our house and it is time to say goodbye to a lot of it.  I am tired of buying things to store stuff when we really should just be getting rid of stuff.  I’m going to spend the cold dark days of winter purging and getting rid of those things that no longer serve me.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and Cam and I had a good day.  We did errands this morning, then worked on cleaning out the garage.  Our trip to the Farmer’s Market was good as the Lemon Waves guy introduced himself and asked my name.  It was a good bit of socialization and exactly what I needed.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely perfect today and it was nice to hang out at the Farmers’ Market and to work outside.  We didn’t get everything done, but we did get a lot out.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 10%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:44 / 6:36

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September 25, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  This card gives off waves of melocholy and sadness.  The person has very much withdrawn into themselves.  I also see a glimpse of a raven behind the person.

Book:  I sit, listen, heal and then return home-ready to smell the flowers.

Guidance:   Take time for yourself, but know when to come back

Journaling:

This card is a good reminder that it is okay to go within and take time for myself, but it is also important to be able to come out of the darkness and reengage.  I am realizing that I need this daily dark time on a regular basis or I get cranky.  For me, it is especially important during Mercury Retrograde to have time for me and to make time to chill, to relax, to be alone.  

I also need to take time to engage with nature.  It was so nice to go to Shaker Nature Center yesterday.  I missed taking that time to relax and enjoy nature.  To walk slowly and to really feel the fresh air on my face and smell the scents.  I think I’m going to figure out how to fit that into my regular routines.  One of the lessons I learned at da Bird was about Key Standard Routines or KSRs.  These are the routines that keep things humming along.  There were also regular operational reviews and I don’t take time to review where my life is on a regular basis.  I think I am going to schedule a monthly operational review on the 6th of every month to check in with myself and take time to connect with my soul.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today, just chilling.  I did spend about 3 hours cleaning the kitchen and it looks so much better.  It feels good to have gotten all the counters clean and to have picked up the garbage.

Weather:  It’s been overcast and rainy today.

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:15/ 7:19

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August 13, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  This is an interesting interpretation of the four of cups for several reasons.  First the figure is a knight and not just a normal person.  Second, he is looking into the stream running by, but there is no cup being handed to him.  it makes me wonder if what he is missing out on is supposed to be the water in the stream.

Book:  Malaise, discontent, worry, contentment gives way to complacency and dissatisfaction.

Guidance:   Pick yourself up and shake yourself out

Journaling:

The guidance above didn’t come from the book, but I know that when I am feeling this way, I have to take action to bring movement in my life.  And trust me, I’m feeling this way right now.  I’m sad and feeling like life is passing me by.  I also really hate my job and it isn’t just my job, it is also just the whole corporate crap.  I love writing and research, but I know that such a path will not provide the income that I have now.  I have to figure out a way to get out from all the debt that I’m in so I can have a job that brings me satisfaction and not just money.  I know that the new job won’t really bring me happiness, but at least I won’t have to deal with the bullshit I’m dealing with now.

I don’t know what the solution is, but I’m going to just keep turning it over and eventually the answer will come.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and I had a mostly lazy day with the doggos.  Even though Clam is done with her horrible third shift hours, she is still adjusting so I’m mostly by myself.  I’m good with that, but my mind has been going to some dark places lately.  I’m so angry and frustrated by work.  And I just don’t know what I want to do, which puts me in a difficult spot.  I did talk to Terry and Tyron for a bit today and it made me sad because their backyard is so nice and ours is still trashy.  It makes me angry that I am the only one of three people who works on the house.  

Weather:  The weather was actually pretty nice today.  It wasn’t ungodly hot so I sat outside with Wendy for a while.  That girl sure loves her sun.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 97%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:31 / 8:30

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 June 16, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Goddess

First Impressions:  Meditating, being calm, considering what has been offered

Book:  Discontent, non-attachment, gratitude, shift, meditation

Guidance:   Be open to new possibilities and many gifts will come your way

Journaling:

The reading for this may be one of my favorites for the four of cups.  I really like the idea of this card being non-attachment and meditation.  I usually think of this card as saying no to something that isn’t right, but non-attachment works as it is about holding something and being present, but not attaching to it.  I struggle to do that as I like to possess things.  I also do like Seano does and buy things to make myself feel better.  I did not need those wind chimes this morning, but they made me feel better.  I need to take a step back and stop spending.  I need to let go of my need to possess and to accept that I don’t need more stuff.

I also need to let go of my need to know everything that is going to happen and to be happy in the moment and trust that the universe will take core of the rest.  That is so hard for me, but I need to let go and open myself to possibilities and good things will happen.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and it was hot outside.  I did spend some time outside with the doggos, but all I really wanted to do was chill out and relax.

Weather:  It was HOT

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 98%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:03

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March 23, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Ignoring what’s being offered, discontent, sadness

Book:  A time to meditate, not appreciating what you have, apathy, missed opportunities

Guidance:   Take a long hard look at your life

Journaling:

Interesting that this interpretation of the card calls for meditation as that is something I have been working to incorporate back into my life.  I did a really good job when I was taking the Eastern meditation course last year, but I kind of fell off the wagon when the course ended.  I’m working on easing back into it and I think the very best thing about meditating on a regular basis is that I sleep better when I meditation.  It calms the chatter in my head and helps me to just relax and not obsess and ruminate over things.

Where: I’m sitting on the couch while Wendy nests with a sleeping bag on the orange chair.  I love watching her nest and get herself all comfortable.  She was such a snuggle bug last night.  The bedroom was kind of cold so she slept under the blankets with me.  I absolutely love when she snuggles with me.

Weather:  It is chilly and rainy this morning.  The wind is also fierce.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 69

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:24 am / 7:42 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

I’ve decided that as part of my personal routine as we slog through the downtime ad uncertainty, I’m going to go back to pulling a daily card, but with a twist.  I’m going to pull a tarot card to ask me what I need to know for the day and an oracle card to guide me on putting the knowledge into action.  For now I’m using the original World Spirit Tarot drawn by Lauren O’Leary and the She who Watches Oracle Deck by Ellen Lorenzi-Prince.

The four of cups showed up to tell me that I need to stop wallowing in self-pity and discontent and I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with it.  I have to let go of the fear and the feeling like nothing I do matters and just get on with it.  This is such a valid reading for today because just like the rest of the world I am mired in uncertainty.  I’m worried about my health, my job, my finances, and all of that, but this card tells me to let go of that apathy and do what I can do.  I can cook a wonderful dinner for my kids, I can go for a walk, I can do the work that I have to do, I can clean house.  There are so many things that I can do that are within my control and I need to focus on those things instead of focusing on all the things I cannot control.

Seal invited me into her world of magic and transformation and asked me to accept the challenge and to stay alert.  This is such an apt message for this time in the world’s history because it is a challenge, but I also feel that there is an underlying transformation taking place and that if we can surf the waves and ride it out, we will be okay.

These cards were so powerful today in this time of transformation and they provided exactly the guidance that I needed.

What’s interesting to me is that this round of pulling cards apparently did not last very long.  I have the feeling that was because I was really hoping to get followers and wanted to have that unique space where people commented.  However, what I have come to realize is that this blog is really for me.  If someone else finds it and it gives them value, that’s awesome, but it is really to give me a place to put my thoughts and organize them.  I also like having them online because then I’m not digging through old journals to find my thoughts.  It also gives me a good way to see my progression when I organize them card by card.

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August 18, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Cruz

First Impressions:  Lonely, sad, feeling disconnected

Book:  Marching to defend their land

Guidance:  Being able to discern what makes you feel good

Journaling

This image makes me sad because it feels so lonely and if he is sitting there in despair watching and crying.  That suits my mood today because it feels as if I will never have the life that I want.  I’m spending all of my time working at a job that I don’t like because it pays the bills and I don’t know how to get out from under the burden of my job.  I think part of the problem is that I’m really good at what I do and for the most part I do a good job of juggling, but it is all catching up to me and I feel like I’m never going to escape.  There is a big part of me that just wants to sit on a cliff and throw my phone in the water.  I hate being tethered and I hate feeling like I can’t even take vacation without everyone needing something.  I think that’s why I’m so excited about going away to the cabin.  The thought of not having wifi is pretty cool.  I will be able to just to chill and to just be.  I miss the opportunity to just be.

I think the other reason that this card makes me feel lonely and disconnected is because of the story of Lisa’s brother.  He had pretty much checked out of life and did not do such a good job taking care of himself.  He had suicidal ideation and he talked about blowing his brains out.  He was a powerful magician and it makes me wonder if he manifested the disease that took his life by eating holes in his brain.  There are so many days that I sit here and think about how none of this is worth it.  I’m doing a job that bores me to tears and instead of being home with my family, I’m always traveling. 

Today was particularly difficult because it is a reentry day.  I’m coming back from a week doing something awesome and amazing to knowing I have to go back to my job and continue to figure out how to make it work.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for speaking my piece

I’m grateful for Sean’s calming presence

I’m grateful that Sean participated in the 5K

I’m grateful for getting home safely

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

I’m grateful for taking time to read

I’m grateful that I have an amazing home

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June 20, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Not recognizing the bounty around you and the gifts you’re being given

Book:  Emotionally cut off from the world, sometimes feel trapped within the misery of unrealistic expectations, feeling lonely because nothing is working out

Guidance:  Raise your head and commit to self empowerment, look on the bright side

Journaling

I usually look at the four of cups as a card of saying no to things we don’t want, but I love this card because it is about being so focused on being miserable that we don’t pay attention to the gifts and the bounty that are there for us.  Looking at this card, I realize that this is how I am when I am disconnected and feeling like no one cares about me.  I have come to realize since getting acupuncture and letting go of so much junk, that when I am feeling disconnected is it about my having disconnected from them having disconnected from me.  They are always there to guide and advise me, but sometimes I feel like I don’t matter anymore and I shut myself off from my guides and the world.

There have been a lot of days lately where I have been so tired and exhausted that I’ve felt sorry for myself even though I am truly blessed in my life.  I have a good job, I’ve purchased a home, I have people who love me and respect me in my life.  It’s true there are things that I don’t have and things that could be better, but overall my life is pretty damn good.  However, instead of celebrating those blessings, I focus on the things that are wrong with my life or that aren’t going perfectly.

I’ve also been focusing way too much on the fact that John is getting welfare even when he probably doesn’t deserve it.  It really is not fair that he gets to sit on his ass and do nothing while I bust my butt and work hard for everything that I have.  However, dwelling on the situation will not change it and I need to let go.  Loving Kindness meditations help.  I also think I need to consciously say thank you (out loud) for all the gifts in my life instead of focusing on what I don’t have.

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December 19, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Receiving

Book:  Suspicious, reluctant, bored, self absorbed, unable to appreciate goodness, disappointment with the status quo

Guidance:  Notice the gift, be open to receive, accept that you are worthy

Journaling

This card is about getting out of my self absorbed state and being willing to listen to the universe and receive gifts that are being offered.

One of the biggest gifts I have is that my body is still responsive to non-traditional ways of treating my diabetes.  Exercise still brings my blood sugar down.  For me it is about deciding I want health and being open to healing. It is so easy to turn to sugar for a quick energy hit, but all that does is create a downward spiral because it over taxes my body more and more.  I need to accept that I am going to deal with crap for a while while my body heals, but I won’t start feeling better until I start listening to what my body truly wants and needs instead of just giving in to the quick sugar fix.  I might also need to go back to oatmeal for breakfast.  I know why I fell off the sugar wagon before, it was because I was doing all the right things and my blood sugar was dropping, but I wasn’t losing weight so I got frustrated.

My real solution needs to be about focusing on how I feel instead of focusing on the numbers on the scale.  I did feel a lot better and had a lot more energy, but the minute I start feeling tired I go racing back to sugar and the whole damn cycle starts all over again.  At the end of the day, I don’t want to die and I want to be here for my kids and giving up sugar is one way to increase the odds of that happening.

July 7, 2018  Revisit

All of what I said above is true and things that I still need to work on, but what struck me as I read the guidance this go round was to accept that you are worthy.  That is something I’ve had to struggle with my entire life.  I’ve worked hard for everything that I have, but I have never truly accepted that I am worthy just as a human being and that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone.  I am a beautifully flawed and amazing person just the way I am and I don’t need to change to be worthy of having good things in my life. 

I think that’s why X’s friendship is such a blessing in my life.  He is the first person that has ever truly loved me unconditionally with no strings attached.  He wants nothing from me, but our friendship and that is so refreshing.  Yes he can be annoying with his advice sometimes, but he gives the advice because he loves me and not because he is trying to fit me into some mold or because I embarrass him the way I am.

I know there are days when i don’t even think I’m worthy of my spirit guides love and guidance.

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September 20, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Four of Cups, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  A giant hand is holding one of the chalices and the three others are sitting there.  The man looks either made or as if he is being obstinate.  Reversed, this card tells me to appreciate what I have.

Book:  New opportunities, keen to enter a new and dynamic time, fear of being alone, omen to start a new relationship, ready to face the world again

Guidance:  Open your heart to love

December 23, 2017

It was another day where all I did was pull the card and didn’t spend anytime journaling.  It’s really frustrating when I come across those days because the best part of re-reading my tarot journals is realizing where I was at and seeing if I’ve learned anything since I originally pulled the card. 

It is interesting to me how many times over the past year the cards have pretty much screamed at me to open my heart to love.  That’s hard for me to do because I’ve been hurt so badly; however, I also realize that I will never have love in my life unless I am willing to open my heart and be willing to risk being hurt and/or disappointed.  That’s a really scary thing for me to contemplate, but I decided that this year (starting on my birthday) was going to be the year of love and I’m currently working on self love and on opening up my heart  It’s a little hard and a little scary, but day by day I’m getting there.

Clark is a really good role model for opening my heart to love a he just assumes people love him and he doesn’t wait.  He jumps in to love with both feet and even though I know he had a hard life before we adopted him, he is so open to being loved.  I need to emulate him.

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May 26, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  Four of Water, Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  disconnected, drained lethargy

Book:  Disconnected, drained, empty, as if the well has run dry, not appreciating blessings

Journaling:

I do appreciate the blessings, but my impatience and disconnection  is ruining my enjoyment of them.  I’m feeling disconnected from everything and it is as if I am drifting.  It feels as if I have no purpose and that is hard for me.  I feel empty and as if I will never be loved.  My heart is empty and it feels I am just going through the motions.  However, I also realize that this time is a gift to sort through my feelings and to heal.  My heart is in need of healing and time to sort through these feelings and in that sense I have been givena  tremendous gift.  I have space right now to do ritual, to heal, and to renew myself.  I have to remind myself of that.  

Sometimes I get so caught up in being productive that I don’t give myself time to feel.  I need time to feel and to see the things I need to let go of.  I need to do a water ritual again to let go.  I need to let go fo X, the feeling I’m not good enough, the walls I need to keep people away.  I need to get to of my hangups (note:  I couldn’t read my handwriting :().  I need to just let go.

I don’t need to think so hard about what to let go of and THEY know what I need to get go of.  I just need to surrender.  I need to surrender to teh waves and let that which is no longer needed be washed away.  I need to open my heart and ask to be cleansed.  I need to baptize myself in the purest sense.

 September 24, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the sense of freedom and balance in this card.  She is literally balancing on a wire.  I’m also learning that the nudeness in these cards is not sexual, but a way of showing someone as unencumbered.

Book:  Harmony is my natural state.  I breathe into balance and shine on.

Guidance:   Check in to see if you are in balance

Journaling:

The last couple of days, I have really felt like I am in balance.  I have worked to let go of overwork, to let go of poverty consciousness, and to let go of all the junk that is holding me back.  I heard that M got a promotion and at first that upset me, but then I stepped back and realized that that actually had nothing at all to do with me.  That led me to realize that there is enough prosperity and goodness in the world for everyone, even the annoying people.  It also was a good reminder that I need to focus on me and let go of everyone and everything else.  

When I get all caught up in what is happening to everyone else, it takes the focus away from me and takes away the focus on what is important to me and what I need in my life.  When I focus on my life, life is much better.  Since I’ve really started thinking and feeling that way, I haven’t thought as much about John either.  He is a total jerk, but what he has or doesn’t have doesn’t matter to me.  I need to focus on what I have in my life and not everyone else.

Where I’m At:  I went to the farmers market and got a lot of yummy produce including some amazing honey crisp apples.  Then I went to this awesome vintage store in Chagrin Falls and I got a Chinese Rice Basket that I’m going to use to store stuff and a needlepoint portrait.  It is similiar to the one I got at the Bomb Shelter.

Weather:  It was an amazingly beautiful day outside.  The perfect temperature and clear and crisp.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 2%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:14 / 7:21

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May 30, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Diligence, focus, water

Book: Balance, moderation, creativity in solving problems, unification, harmony

Guidance: Swim with the current, stay in the flow

Journaling:

For me this card is saying “stay in the moment.”  It is about being present in everything I do and not spending my time regretting the past or living in the future.  This is very hard to do sometimes because it is so easy to get lost in the past and have regrets about how my life turned out.  I know that if Charlene had not been abusive, I would have had a very different life.  I could have gone to law school, I could have gotten a PhD, there is so much that I would have done differently if I had been raised to believe I was worth something and that I mattered.  It is really hard to not be angry about that.  It is hard to let go of that.  I also know that I would not have married John because I would have seen the red flags.  However, not marrying John would have meant not having Sean and Cam because they are the lights of my life and my reason to keep going.  At the very least, I would have understood that I did not have to put up with his bullshit and would have left sooner.

However, at the end of the day thinking about what should have been doesn’t get me very far.  I need to focus on what is and what is is that I have a job that pays well, I’m going to school, I have a home that shelters me, I have food on the table.  I am truly blessed and when I stay in that moment, life is good.

Where:  I’m at home.  I had a really good day today.  I spent time out in my hammock that Seano put together for me and it was so nice to just be in the moment.  It was nice to be present and not be reading or letting other distractions get to me.

Weather:  It was beautiful out today.  I got up to about 80, but on my hammock it was beautiful

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:53 / 8:53

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February 25, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Melding, alchemy, making magick, swirling lights, peace

Book:  Alchemy, blending energies, harmony, duality, meditation

Guidance:   In the realm of the divine, all things are possible

Journaling:

I’m sitting here in my calm and peaceful house thinking about the people in Ukraine who were going about their business and now they are being bombed, for nothing except being living in the wrong country.  The world seems so unfair and so harsh today.  I also know that millions of people are raising their voices, but I don’t know if it will do anything.  It feels like the Women’s Marches all over again, we went and raised energy, but nothing happened and we are so much worse off than before fuckface was president.

Temperance tells me to stay calm and balanced and  not go off half-cocked, but I’m feeling sad, depressed, and angry over all that is happening.  However, I am also reading The Book of Joy and reading of how the Dalai Lama found himself an exile in his early 20s and he still maintained joy.  The thing is that I know my sadness and anger does nothing to help, but I also don’t know what I can do on a practical level.  I also am feeling somewhat cynical as I think that we are all in a kerfuffle now about this, but we’ll all get over it just like we get over everything else and life will go back to normal.  We have this peace at all costs mentality.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting at home on the couch thinking deep thoughts about the world and peace and whether any of it all matters.

Weather:   It is cold and snowy

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 32%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:07 am/ 6:12 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Balance, creating magick, blending, creating something new, openness

Book:  Grace and precision, blending different elements of life into a work of art, teaches us to balance opposites, urges temperance in all things, often brings message of physical or spiritual healing

Guidance:  Think before you act

Journaling

It is always interesting to me how the exact words I need to hear spring up out of a reading.  I was debating whether or not I needed to take a walk today and my brain was being whiny and saying, “You had a hard day, it’s okay if you don’t walk today.”  Then I read that this was often a message of physical healing and that was the kick in the ass I needed to get my butt out and taking a walk today.  I know that I need to do something physical every day and that was one of my goals for the year, but there are days when it is just way too easy to be lazy.  I’m learning that being self indulgent once in a while is okay, but it is when it becomes a pattern.  It’s when there are too many days in a row where I’m self indulgent that it is a pattern.

The other piece that struck me about this reading was the blending of different elements of life into a work of art.  I’m not there yet and I don’t know if I consider the various elements of my life blended because sometimes I think that I compartmentalize too much.  However, I do know that I am working to make all of the parts of my life work together so that I’m moving in one direction instead of being so disparate.  Although I did work this evening, my goal is to be able to do my work during the days so that my evenings when I travel are dedicated to school work.  If I can get to that point, I’ll be able to spend the time I’m home truly being present for my family. 

I think one of the most interesting pieces of this card is that the angel is blending water to create something so this is about truly blending the elements of my life and not about balancing them and having balance in my life.  This also tells me that there are times when one piece of my life will get more attention than another.  Maybe having a balanced life is really impossible and we should strive for a blended life where everything comes together to create a full life.

April 7, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Balance, creating something magical

Book:  Eternal rainbow linking heaven and earth, mastery over water and earth, uniting of conscious and subconscious, the path to enlightenment, adaption,

Guidance:  By cooperating with other people, you can achieve great things, work on improving yourself

Journaling

This card is about balancing and adapting.  I have not done such a good job of that this week.  I’ve let myself be pushed into things that are not in my best interests, like giving up my poetry night.  I’ve also not had the time to myself I’ve needed.  Cam has chosen to go home instead of go to class and that’s meant I haven’t had the peace and solitude that I crave.  Maybe the message here is that I need less solitude and ore time with people. 

What I really need to do is to find and embrace my tribe.  I’m not there yet and I don’t know how to get there.  Making friends is really hard for me.  I don’t think I’m alone in that as suburbia makes it hard and working remote doesn’t help.

December 29, 2018  Revisit

One of the things that I have realized lately is that I do have my tribe. They might not be close, but they do care about me and they are there to listen to me and to help me.  Maybe that is what is right for me.  I do know that I have been opening my heart and asking the universe to help me find my tribe.  I just need to have confidence that when it is right, it will show up and it will be great.

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January 7, 2018

Alchemy Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess tarot

Card Name:  Alchemy

First Impressions:  I love the Celtic knot work on this card and the fact that Brighid is wearing a Brighid’s cross.  I didn’t realize at first that she was standing in front of a fire and thought she was stirring a pot of creativity.  I guess either option is apt as she is both the goddess of the forge and the goddess of creativity.

Book:  Fire purifies, water restores, powerful and approachable, something new that arises from the union.

Guidance:  Situation is improved by providing skill and attention, different feelings require expression, pull the pain out of your soul, seek balance.

Journaling:

Wow!  As I pulled this card, I found myself facing Brighid.  She was standing behind the flames and beckoning me to step through the forms and to be transformed.  She stands there, welcoming me, beckoning me, calling me; but stepping through the flames of transformation has to be my choice.  I can step through the flames of love or I can choose to stay where I am.  She is telling me that the burning flames of passion will transform me and not destroy me.  I realize that I have been terrified that if I allow myself to fall in love again, I will lose all that I am.  She is telling me that I will change, but will be transformed.

January 13, 2018

This was the third card in a row I pulled that talked about change and growth.  I’m realizing, that I’m tired of the corporate world.  I’m tired of all the games, of the need to play nice, of the need to take bullets for the company.  I’m tired of it all, but I like my salary and I like the freedom.  Part of my problem is that I always lead with my heart.  I put my heart and soul into what I do and it’s hard when that is for a company that doesn’t value what I do.  I’m bone tired and weary.  I also know that part of the reason I stay is for the benefits that I keep in case I need to go to the doctor or need to seek care. It is difficult to consider being an entrepreneur in this country when the cost of healthcare is so high.

Dearest ones,

Please guide me down the path I am meant to be on and help me find a way to feed my soul and have the house and benefits I have now.  Help me and guide me to the people that it is right for me to meet.  Help me to find a way to build a spiritual business while still receiving my paycheck until I am in a position to go solo.

Blessed be,

Raine

September 23, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Eight of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love how she is sea through and is trapped in front by the flowers and in back by the thunderbolts.  It is as if her indecision is making her fade away.

Book:  I release barriers from my mind and remember my magick.

Guidance:   Choose new beginnings, choose freedom

Journaling:

I really love this deck.  I love all of the cards and this one especially.  I love that this card is about choosing to release that which is holding us back.  Although all of the eight of swords cards have this message in some way, shape, or form, this one really seems to get the message across.  I have the ability to choose new beginnings and I’m choosing those new beginnings.  It is taking more time than I would like to get where I want to go, but I am making progress and I am moving forward.  I’ve been working on my dissertation slowly by contining to do research and I am proud of myself for not just sucking it up and getting a PhD in something I hated just so that I could say I had it.  I want the research to be meaningful and I want to enjoy the process.

I guess that is the message is that I need to stop wanting everything yesterday and take the time to go step by step and do the work and enjoy each step of the process.  However, it also means that I am at the point in my career where I can do the work, log off and  move on to my own life and pursuing that PhD.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and am so glad it is Friday.  This week has been so long, but I survived and I got my big juicy bonus today and I bought new clothes and paid off some bills.  It feels so good to pay off bills and to pay ahead on my house.  I’ve cut two years off the mortgage and I’m working on paying more off.

Weather:  The weather is so nice today!  It is finally really and truly starting to feel like fall and I am so happy that it isn’t hot anymore.  My baby Wendy girl isn’t happy about the weather as she goes out and gets so upset when it isn’t warm enough to just sit out there for hours.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 6%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13/7:23

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July 26, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this image of Juliet in the balcony or Rapunzel as representative of the eight of swords.  It is a prettier image than the traditional eight of swords, but it still conveys the message of being trapped.

Book:  Restriction, fated circumstances, being between a rock and a hard place, isolation and constraint prior to release

Guidance:   Free yourself and know your worth

Journaling:

Financial entrapment is one of the biggest issues in my life and I don’t know how to get out from under all the bills I owe.  Part of it is that I like to treat myself and I think each little purchase doesn’t matter, but the reality is that they do add up.  Another thing is that there is a big part of me that is resentful that I’m still supporting the kids.  For the most part, it doesn’t matter as it isn’t a lot of money, but supporting three cards and paying Sean’s student loans is a lot.  I need to figure out how to get out from under the financial burden as that will open up my options from a job and living perspective.

I am working on getting out from under the belief that I have to be perfect at work.  In reality, I just need to be good enough to keep my job 🙂

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and it has been an interesting day today.  I didn’t have a lot of work scheduled today, so I was planning to get some heads down work done.  However, I kept getting interrupted.  And this chick from Ensure Supply just called me out of the blue.  I hate that.  I only call people if it is right after a meeting and I need something, because you don’t know what people are working on.

Weather:  The weather wasn’t horrible today.  It was a little hot and steamy, but not totally gross.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 5%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:13 / 8:51

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March 26, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Only tied up in an alternate universe, crows, tied loosely, able to escape, blindfolded

Book:  Feeling stuck, time to open your eyes, opportunity to let go of an old story

Guidance:   Choose sovereignty over victimhood

Journaling:

I love this line and it is something I am working to choose everyday of my life.  I know there are a lot of factors beyond my control in the world, but I do have agency and there are choices I can make.  I am drawing so much strength from the Ukranian people.  They were invaded by a country much bigger than them with better weapons, but they are getting off their couches and fighting.  It is so inspiring to watch people face off against the Russians, make Molotov cocktails and do whatever they can to fight the Russians.  So many people expected them to have lost their homeland by now, but they have stayed and fought. 

Where: I’m home this week and I’m sitting on the couch while dinner cooks.  The doggos are hanging out with me and I’m contemplating doing my homework in a bit

Weather:  It snowed overnight and even though I was hoping for spring, the trees are beautiful covered in the white stuff.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 36

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:18 am / 7:45 pm

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Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Eight of Swords

Book:  Raven can easily hop out of circle of swords. The Eight of Swords is a card of empowerment, of moving beyond our limitations into the vastness of eternity.

Guidance:  Most of what traps us is an illusion

Journaling

There are some days that I agree 100% that we have the ability to change our lives and to hop out of the circle of swords, but there are other days when I feel totally overwhelmed by life and feel as if nothing I do matters and that there is no way I can change my life.  I do feel trapped by work and as if nothing that I do matters or means anything.  I know I get paid a whole lot of money to help companies convince people to change their software and most days that feels pretty crappy.  I feel like I’m just helping the man.  I never wanted to go into the corporate world and I never wanted to be locked into working for a paycheck, but here I am.  The worst part is that I don’t know how to get out of the gilded cage that I’ve built for myself.

My heart is in the world of tarot and spirit, but that doesn’t pay the bills and I don’t know how to find something that speaks to my heart and pays the bills.  The guidance from reading Lisa’s blog post on the eight of swords is that I can move beyond my limitations.  I don’t know exactly what that means or what I need to do to change my mind or my way of thinking.  I just feel trapped and as if nothing that I do matters because I am going to be on this hamster wheel forever and I’m going to continue to have to spend time doing things that don’t matter to me to pay the bills.

June 18, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:

Book: 

Guidance:  

Journaling

I picked this card because I feel like I’m facing some really big choices and I’m not sure what I want to do.  There is a Director of OCM position open in Cleveland and there is a big part of me that wants to apply because it would mean being home and getting to sleep in  my own bed every night.  However, there is another part of me that feels tremendous loyalty to this project and to my current employer.  They’ve given me a tremendous opportunity and supported me as I worked to start this practice.  I’m also feeling secure in my current role as I’m working on three projects and am fully billable.  I also know that this project will go at least through 2020 so it would be easy to stay here and feel secure.  Starting a new job is hard and I have no way of judging how insane it is.  At least I know how insane my current position is.

I know that I’m not in this for the long term as I want to pursue my PhD, I want to write articles, I want to write a book, I want to do a lot of things that I need time for and while I can’t do those things full time right now, this job does give me the bandwidth in the evenings to write, to work on classwork, and to do the things that are important to me.  That is a huge plus.  The other job would require a 30 minute commute each way and I have no way of knowing how crazy they are.  I could end up working a lot longer hours and having less time at home than I do now. 

I don’t know what the answer is so I’m going to seek guidance and continue to work on finding my way Cairn by Cairn.  I know that if I keep taking the next right step, the path will reveal itself to me.

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May 1, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Release from constraint

Book:  Clarity, overcoming restriction

Guidance:  look at thoughts and internal restrictions, rethink

Affirmation:  Doors are opening for me

Journaling:

Great card to draw on Beltane as I feel walls and restrictions tumbling down.  This is about opening up and being able to receive.  I feel like today is going to bring something wonderful.

May 5, 2016 Revisit

Beltane was a good day.  I threw roses in the ocean and wished for love.  It is truly difficult somedays to keep trusting.  

Dearest ones, 

It is getting hard to trust as I feel so empty and unloved.

February 10, 2022 Revisit

I still feel empty and unloved.  I feel that no one will every love me and that I am just a throwaway person who no one cares about.  Reem told us last week that she had an interview and I put it in my calendar so I remembered to wish her well, but no one every does that kind of thing for me.  It’s like people just don’t care about me and I don’t know why.  I honestly don’t know if anyone would care if I wasn’t here.

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April 29, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Bound and captive

Book:  Frustrated, isolated, locked in situations, creating blockages, it is time to sit and focus

Guidance:  Time to rethink the direction.  Be in the moment.  Calmness and inner guidance.  Need to relax.  Be calm and quiet

Affirmation:  By releasing myself from thoughts that bind me, I can open to new concepts

Journaling

I’m feeling this to a certain extent right now as I don’t want to manage this project, but I know I need to stay billable.

Dearest Ones,

I need an OCM gig at itelligence now.  Please make this happen so I can start living my happy life and find my balance.

May 5, 2017
Update

This week went okay, but I made stupid mistakes.  I need to quit rushing and take my time.  Everything does not need to be done yesterday.

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December 12, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  I love this image as the swords almost seem made of light instead of steel.  It reinforces the impression that the person can escape of their own volition.  Reversed this card is about being released from constraints.

Book:  Passive aggressive behavior, acting helpless, clarity, overcoming restrictions, ready to move on, prone to self sabotage

Guidance:  Be aware of giving into your helplessness, worry solves and changes nothing

Journaling

This is a rough card to receive today.  Yes I know the path forward is to let go of X and start meeting people, but that sucks.  I have no f*ing desire to go on random dates when 90% of the guys available suck.

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I was a little whiny when I first wrote this.  It’s interesting that over the past year, I’ve had the chance to observe older (i.e 30+) guys who are single and they are all so desperate.  It’s like they cannot stand being alone and they jump from person to person to person.  I don’t know if they dislike having to face themselves in the mirror or what, but I find it a little pathetic.

I don’t really dislike being alone as it gives me the opportunity to work on myself and to get to truly know who I am.  That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone in my life, but I want the right person in my life.  I don’t just want to fill up space with whoever is available.  I want someone who is emotionally mature, who is kind, who is loving, and is comfortable in his own skin.  I don’t want someone who wants/needs me to meet all his needs.

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May 30, 2016

Eight of Air Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card: Eight of Air

First Impressions:  This card speaks to me of community and working together, but the traditional meaning of the eight of swords is choosing to stay in bondage.  I’m struggling to reconcile the traditional meaning with this card.

Book:  Challenged to transform vision into reality with help fro friends, it is also about letting go of ego

Journaling

Based on the first impressions of this card, it is about a sense of community which is something that I truly need to find or build in my life.  I am so lonely and in need of like minded people.

This card is also telling me that I can make Midwives of Change a reality, but I need to be willing to accept input from others.  I have to open up my vision and ask for help from others.  This is difficult for me, but I do know that asking for help and collaborating does make things better.

December 29, 2017

It’s interesting the mind shift that I’ve had since I originally wrote this.  I’ve realized that I really don’t want to pursue creating Midwives of Change right now because I’m tired of my life being about other people and MoC is just one more way for my life to be about other people.  I expend a whole lot of emotional energy at work and with the kids and I don’t want to take on strangers’ burdens.  I will put my tarot journal out there and I’ll post occasional articles that help me to clarify what I’m thinking, but my life is about me and I’m not using my life as an experiment to see what helps others.

Joy Vernon | Master | Jay Cassels

The topic for this Blog Hop is Harvest, which is appropriate as it is Mabon.  Mabon is the second of the three harvest festivals with Lammas at the beginning of August being the first and Halloween or Samhain being the last.  Harvest has been on my mind lately as it was my word of the month for August was Harvest and my beginning of the month and end of month readings were about reaping what we sow and community.  I decided to do a deeper dive on those themes in this reading.  

Interestingly as I was contemplating which deck to use for this reading, my DruidCraft deck insistently shouted at me, “Pick Me, Pick Me.”  As this was my first tarot deck and one I haven’t used in a while, I decided it was the perfect deck.

What did I sow?

At its most literal, sowing is planting seeds that may or may not grow.  However, I chose to look at the act of sowing as not only planting the seeds, but also the work done to make the field ready.  Using this definition, I sowed the desire to be strong, confident, and in-charge.  I have been working on recovering from the damage done to me by my mother and my ex-husband for several years and I’ve sent my intention to be bold, confident, and my own woman.  The Queen of Wands is also strong-willed and a good communicator.  I have always been strong willed, but it has taken me a while to have the confidence to go with that strong will.  I’m also a good communicator and I planted the seeds of having a situation that would challenge me and would help me to grow.  QOW reflects the me who went into this growing season, in essence what I sowed.

What did I reap?

The Six of Wands is all about victory, success, and leadership and I have reaped that this year.  I just left a job where I was being held back and not give the opportunities that allowed me to use all of my skills.  My new job is challenging and will allow me to use all the skills I have earned over my decades of work experience.  I’m being recognized as an expert and leader, which feels good.  However, the best part is that I recognize myself as a leader and I recognize that I was being underutilized.  

For me, recognizing my abilities as a leader is more important than the external recognition because other people have recognized my leadership abilities for a while, but I’ve never really viewed myself as a leader.  I believe that comes from being raised by a father who believed that women weren’t capable of being leaders and that women should not lead men.  It has taken a long time to retrain my brain to believe that women are strong and capable.

What did I leave behind?

In some decks, the devil is portrayed as evil or as all about lust.  However, in the DruidCraft deck, the card has been renamed Cernnunos and he is all about the life force and about learning to live in balance.  This card is about letting go of the obsessions that hold us back and about learning to live in harmony with nature.  For me, this card is about leaving behind materialism and a belief that money is what it’s all about.  Money is one form of recognition, but it is not the only one.  One of the things I have been working on this year, is letting go of needing to buy things to make myself feel better.  I don’t know if I have completely mastered those needs, but I have stopped spending so much.  

What I’ve realized is that as my self esteem and sense of accomplishment grows (i.e. the six of wands), I no longer need as much external validation.  External validation is always nice, but I’ve learned that self-validation is much better.

Who helped me with the harvest?

The nine of wands is about fighting battles and standing strong against adversity.  This card seems to indicate that I fought my battles alone.  However, as I mediate on the question and the card, I realize that the card is telling me that my adversaries and those I fought against / disagreed with helped me with this harvest.  My ex-boss who was a horrible leader held up a mirror and helped me realize that I do have leadership skills.  My ex-coworker who droned on and on and had to insert herself into everything, helped me to realize the importance of boundaries.  That skill has served me well as I’ve jumped into a new situation where here are processes.  I’m realizing that it is in my best interest to stay in my lane.

If I look back further, I realize that that my ex-husband and my mother also taught me lessons in perseverance and being strong in the face of adversity as they put me down and challenged me at every turn.  Although there are times, it feels like their abuse broke me, the opposite is actually true as it made me stronger and helped me to realize that I am more than what other people say about me.

What should I be planning for?

On the surface, the five of wands would suggest that I need to plan for conflict and in the past that would have meant that I put my shields up and prepared to do battle with everything I have.  However, this card can also be read about protesting the status quo and about persevering in spite of obstacles.  As I reflect on this card, I believe the meaning is that I need to plan to use my diplomatic skills as things may get a little heated as we head towards the next move groups.  And that I need to persevere no matter what the obstacles.

The other message in this card comes from the rooster who is just going about his business and ignoring the people fighting.  This tells me that I need to maintain my boundaries and not jump into battles that do not concern me.  I do not need to be the center of attention and I do not need to give my opinion on everything.  Sometimes, I just need to sit back and mind my own business.

Final Thoughts

What is not reflected directly in this reading is how much I have grown as a tarot reader.  When I first started reading with this deck, about 12 years ago, I went strictly by the book and I didn’t use my intuition.  When I first started reading, I would have never read this five of wands from the rooster’s perspective and came up with the need to mind my own business and stay out of battles that aren’t mine.

Joy Vernon | Master | Jay Cassels

September 22, 2022

Fall Equinox

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  In some ways this card makes me sad because some of the choices are things a person needs to live (fire, the egg, and the plant), while others are thins of beauty.  It reminds me that there are people who really do have to choose what things they purchase.

Book:  I embrace my gifts and the options that surround me.  Instead of being scattered or spread too think, I am ready to choose and go all in.

Guidance:   Step into your power and welcome yourself home.

Journaling:

This card shows why I love decks with big juicy books that explain the creator’s thoughts on the deck as her vision for the deck was so much different than how I saw it.  I love how her thoughts are about embracing my gifts and making choices.  I feel like I have been on this journey to step into who I am and what is important to me.  Part of that journey is choosing to believe that everything I do, even the mistakes I make, is the right thing for me at the moment.  I’m not happy with where my credit card debt is right now, but I also know that a lot of it was about the house, the dogs, and the car.   Those three things are not optional so I am not going to stress about how I got into the debt, I’m going to focus on getting out of it.

I’m also choosing to believe that not finding the right PhD program and not being able to jump in immediately is also the right thing for me right now.  I firmly believe that everything we do in life is about lessons and about what can we learn from the situation.  When I view my life that way, it has a pattern and a rhythm to it that is right for me.

I have to say that I really like viewing this card in that light versus about delusions.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and it was a long day.  I’m really learning my new job, but it is hard as it feels like it takes absolutely all of my brain power.

Weather:  The weather was nice today as it wasn’t too hot or too cold.  I love this weather.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 12%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:12 / 7:25

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May 20, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Choices, riches, grasping what one wants

Book:  Imagination, fantasy, magical thinking

Guidance: False fronts and impossible sights

Journaling:

It was one of those days where I contemplated the waste of my life and the fact that I have become the person I never wanted to be.  I never wanted to be a wage slave where all my energy and time went into a job I hate and has no value, but that is exactly where I am.  I feel so trapped by money that I don’t know where to go.  I need my salary to pay off my debt, but I hate my job.  I really wish the kids would get jobs paying more money so that I’m not the one always paying when things break or we need things.  

I’m working hard to make time for the things that matter to me like school and tarot, but I’ve been so sick lately and have such low energy that it feels all I can do is make it through work.  And I went to the doctor but she was more concerned with stupid shit than the fact that I’m tired all the time.  And unfortunately, the medicine makes it worse.  I think I need to do ritual and turn it over.

Where: I was home on Friday and was slammed with meetings in the morning, but the afternoon was light.  We had Li Wah about 3 pm, then I worked on finishing things up.  I also spent some time working on my book

Weather:  It was extremely hot today.  One of those days where I didn’t even want to go out of the house it was so hot

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 75%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:00 am / 8:44 pm

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April 6, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Huts, shell game, love the little ladders, love the one with water flowing through it

Book:  Choices, opportunities, options, counsel against delusions, needing to decide without the full picture

Guidance:  Allow what you really want to inform your next steps

Journaling:

I think where I’m at right now is that I don’t know what I really want.  I don’t want the job I have now, but I love the paycheck.  What I really want to do is to be able to do research and inform public opinion, but I don’t know how to get there while I am working full time.  One of the things I am working on is figuring out how to be more positive and not just bitch and moan constantly.  That’s really hard to do when i am so tired and it feels as if my entire body is imploding on itself.

One of the keys is to be kind to myself and take care of my body.  I also have to accept that I am not going to work at the bird forever and that eventually I will move on and will not have to deal with all the bullshit anymore

Where:  I am sitting in the incredibly messy living room waiting for someone from work to ping me and listening to Wendy chew her bone.  I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed today. 

Weather:  It was rainy, but sort of warm out today

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 25%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:01 pm / 7:57 pm

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Deck: Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Reading the tea leaves

Book:  Making your fantasies into reality

Guidance:  Tune into the feelings your visions evoke and make a decision which ones to manifest

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me because one of the things I have realized lately is that I am not solely in charge of my destiny and just because I want something does not mean that I can manifest it.  If that was true, I would have manifested love a long time ago..  To a certain extent that has soured me on manifesting because it feels like I put my whole heart and soul into manifesting love, but I came up empty.  I also put as much real world energy into it as possible and still nada.  That was and is a very bitter disappointment because I know that I deserve love and I know that I have love to give, so I’m not sure why I was unable to manifest love despite my best interests.

For the most part, I really enjoy my life and I know that i have created a life to be proud of.  I’ve manifested a beautiful home, I have a job I mostly like, and I’m going to school, but I don’t have the one thing that I want more than anything else and that hurts and makes me wonder if all of the energy I’ve put into manifestation has been wasted.  I know there are some who would say that I was too specific, but I think the universe should be able to figure out the essence of what I want.  There are some days I feel like I’m only living half a life because I’m alone and being alone truly sucks.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Choices, delusions

Book:  World of imagination, deepest hopes and fears, danger of getting lost

Guidance:  Bring your visions down to earth, balance creative inspiration with practicality

Journaling

In most decks, this card speaks to me of delusion and of being taken in by the dark side, being consumed by food, by alcohol, be desire.  However, when I look at it as a card of choices and inspiration, it speaks to me of all the things I can have, if I am willing to do the work.  I can even have all of them, but having lived through the “you can have it all era,” I know enough to know that I can’t have it all at once, but I can have it all in sequence.  Looking at this card from a practical standpoint, I feel as if I’m being asked to choose what is most important and to focus on energy on that, once I’ve got that plate spinning, I can choose something else.

As much as I hate to admit it, my two priorities right now have to be work and school.  Work is what pays the bills and keeps the money coming in.  And school is my future as it is what fascinates me and what keeps me motivated.  I also know that once I can put that MA after my name, it will help me sell a lot more articles, books etc.  That doesn’t mean I won’t still work on Cairn by Cairn and putter around my book, but I will stop beating myself up over not spending a lot of time and energy on those activities.  I work at an insane job and trying to build a practice is really hard.  I need to start giving myself enough credit for the things that I do and not beat myself up because I cannot do more.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for sleeping late

I’m grateful the smoothie wasn’t horrible

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

I’m grateful for the good conversation with Joe

I’m grateful for taking care of myself

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March 23, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Choices, delusions

Book:  Visions of what might be

Guidance:  Do not tempted by delusions, do not deceive yourself, back up visions with work

Journaling

When I look at this card, I see all the things I could have, if only they were real.  I don’t think my dreams are that big or that delusional, but what I want to manifest does not seem to big or grandiose.  Do affirmations every day and let go.  How it manifests is not your concern, just know that it will. 

Interesting, int he last week I’ve drawn the seven, eight, and nine of pentacles, but not in sequence.  Am I to put them in sequence?

December 25, 2018 Revisit

This card, like all Tarot cards, can be complicated and can mean so many things.  It can mean that we are deluding ourselves, it can mean that we have choices to make, or it can mean that we are pulled between two many things.  The amazing thing about tarot cards, as I’m learning, is that you read them differently depending on where you are in your life and maybe that is what makes them so cool.  When I am in a good place, I read this as having choices and as there being a lot of amazing stuff in my future.  However, when I’m not in a good place, I read it as being delusional and beat myself up and tell myself I’m not worthy of anything.

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December 21, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Choices

Book:  Distraction, faced with many choices, be aware of distractions, temptation, at a crossroads, wishful thinking

Guidance:  Be aware of distraction, find inspiration where you can, exercise greater patience and self control

Journaling

This was a great card today as I am in a place of choices.  I can choose to continue believing X is strong enough to do the right thing or accept that this has all been an illusion.  I do believe that he has feelings for me, but I also have to accept that he is weak.  He wasn’t able to tell me why he’s not talking tome and that’s rude.  A part of me is drawing parallels to walking away form my mother, but they really aren’t the same as I am self aware enough to know my weaknesses and she is not.

There is a possibility that my last exchange, but i don’t think so.  I think the truth is that he has feelings for me that he can’t acknowledge and that makes him uncomfortable.  Or his wife told him to stop talking to me.  Either way, it is really weak to just walk away after all the time we’ve been friends.  I deserve better than that.

July 8, 2018 Revisit

This was just another one of those times where we stopped talking for a short period of time, then were right back to talking to one another.  I’m really tired of the dance, but I don’t know how to stop dancing.  There is this pull between us and I don’t know how to stop.  Yes, I do.  If I really wanted to stop the dance, I could cut the cord.

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May 18, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Seven of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Unable to make a choice, waffling unsupported

Journaling

Another card about decisions and not being able to choose which option to take.  It seems they are creaming at me that I have to make a decision, but I don’t know what the right choice actually is

September 21, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  This card is beautiful.  I love the butterfly on the deer’s antler and the birds on her back.  It shows that wonderful, loving mother energy without being in your face.

Book:  Abundance is ever present within me.  I am healthy.  I am wild and free.  I allow my blossoming.

Guidance:   Love your full self

Journaling:  

I love the reminder of this card to check in with myself and take care of myself.  I am not feeling well today.  My throat is starting to hurt and I am just feeling rotten.  Since it is only my second week on a new job, I know that I need to work today, but it is okay to take it slow and just get through what needs to be done.  I’m realizing that that is okay and it is okay if work ebbs and flows as it needs to be based on demand.  No one can expect me to be 100% all the time.

That’s also why I’m cutting down on the nurturing and not making dinner 7 nights a week.  It is so hard to make dinner on the nights that Seano works late so I’m not going to do that anymore.  He actually does a nice job of making dinner for himself and packing it so I’m going to start nurturing by enabling that behavior instead of doing the hands on nurturing.  In some ways, that is a different kind of nurturing as it is nurturing someone to be a grown up instead of hands on nurturing.  This type of nurturing is hard for me as it is much easier for me to be hands on.  However, as Sean has pointed out multiple times, that kind of nurturing is infantilizing and destructive.

Where I’m At:  I’m taking a break for lunch as I’m trying to be better about taking care of and nurturing my body at the same time that I nurture my brain.  I’ve also realized that I struggle when I try to push too hard.  I’ve been super exhausted lately and I really need to take care of my body and not push too hard.  I’m going to try using my lunch break to do my tarot and rosary so it is a little spiritual break as well as a food break.

Weather:  It was raining this morning, but it looks like it has dried up and although it is gray, it looks like the sun may start shining soon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 18%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:11 / /7:26

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July 3, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Fertility, fecund, life giving, supportive, part of the mountain

Book:  Nature, Abundance, Bounty, Fertility

Guidance:   Start creating the spaces and experiences you feel called to and destined for

Journaling:

I love this reminder about creating the spaces and experiences I feel called to and destined for.  I’ve been doing that with my research and my book as I’ve been working on both.  It has been slow going because i am so tired all the time, but I am working a little at a time to make progress.  There are days it really does feel achingly slow, but every little bit is moving me forward.  I also know that magick happens when you take real world action and do the magick so I’m doing both.  It isn’t easy and there are times I wonder why I do it, but it gives me satisfaction and I guess that is enough.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and I’m exhausted.  Wendy woke me up early and I just couldn’t get back to sleep.  I took a nap, but I didn’t get good sleep.

Weather:  It is hot.  It was cool early this morning and Wendy wouldn’t even sit outside, but it got really hot.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 17%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55 / 9:05

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April 11, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Peace, calm, creativity, beauty, being open to possibilities

Book:  Nurturance, growth, potential, pleasure, fertility, nature

Guidance:  Abundance blooms in joyful expressions

Journaling:

It is so interesting as I read a story from a friend right before I pulled this card about her daughter who was living with extended family.  My initial reaction to the story was negative, but I pulled this card and the Lady said very clearly to me “Love Blooms and Multiplies.”  It was such a very clear message and made me feel bad about always being cynical and assuming that people are out to take advantage.  Being with John and being Charlene’s daughter made me see everything in a negative perspective.  There are good people out there and everyone who wants or asks for help is not taking advantage.  That is my perspective because of how I was raised, but it does not mean that it is reality.  

The other message from this card for me is to open my heart and to let love bloom.  I am so closed off and my heart is so closed.  I feel like I am dying inside.  I have to figure out how to open my heart and trust people.  The one good thing is I feel like my connection to THEM is reopening and I am becoming more connected.

Where:  I’m in Modesto today and I spent the day working out of my hotel room.  There is something so nice about being cloistered in a hotel room and not having to deal with all the drama and stuff of being at home.  I have to figure out how to replicate that feeling at home.

Weather:  The weather is absolutely beautiful today.  It is a little bit windy, but the sun is out and shining and it just feels spectacular.  I know it is rainy and cold at home, but I feel so good just soaking up the warm California sun.

Moon Phase:  

Sunrise / Sunset: 

July 3, Update

I love this reminder to open my heart and acknowledge that there are good people out there.  I am a very negative and cynical person by nature and I am always looking for how someone is going to stab me in the back.  I assume that everyone is out to get me and that everything is personal and in reality it isn’t.  There are good people out there who really want to help.  I just have to drop my shields and let people in.

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March 30, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Creativity, birth, nurturing

Book:  creativity and creation, nurturing, abundance, empathy, 

Guidance:   Nourish your soul with compassion and care

Journaling:

I love the reminder to nourish my soul with compassion and care.  All too often I push myself too hard because someone else needs something.  I sleep on the couch because Wendy won’t move, I am out too late to pick up Sean at the airport.  I travel on the redeye because I want to accommodate others.  And when I do that, I suffer because it becomes harder and harder for me to recover.  My body is so much more fragile than it used to be and I need to take better care of me.

Mindfulness Honey is one way that I’m doing that as forcing myself to take care of myself / meditate once a week helps me to get in the mode of doing good things for myself the rest of the time.

Where: I am at home sitting on the couch with the doggos.  I’ve been working on school work and it’s been super interesting.  I find when I have school work to focus on I’m much more able to let go of all the stupidity at work.

Weather:  It is absolutely beautiful out.  It has finally started to warm up and I went outside with Wendy and spent some time cleaning out the car.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am / 7:49 pm

July 3, 2022

It is so true that I am more fragile than I used to be.  I feel like I am exhausted all the time and I don’t know how to counter that.  I also know that it is really hard for the kids right now as they are both working third shift and that takes a toll on your body.  I think I just have to accept my house won’t be as clean as I would like and I won’t get as much done as I want to.

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August 10, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  mother and child, nurturing, loving

Book:  Great mother who nurtures and provides

Guidance:  Open ourselves to what we need, give and receive love

Journaling

Today was a pretty incredible day and I did a good job of opening myself up to what we need to give and receive love.  I opened myself up to having a good day, to being in a place to receive all the amazing blessings that I have in my life and to just be with Cam.  We went to Raven & Crone in Ashville and it felt really good to be around pagans and to soak up the good energy.  It’s funny how I can usually put myself into Pagan Standard Time as I was pretty annoyed when they were a few minutes late opening, but once I got in there I just let myself enjoy looking, smelling, and just being.  Can and I went to the Folk Art Center and the art is just amazing as people have taken traditional Appalachian folk arts and used them to create things of beauty.  We also wandered around in a little mountain town that happened to be having a festival and I got a wood spirit carving for our house.

Next stop was Bat Cave and Cam and I were able to find the mountain stream that we’d happened across 10 years earlier.  We had kind of vaguely known where it was, but we knew enough that we were able to find it.  We stopped at Bat Cave Apple Barn and we paid a dollar to park.  Then we picked our way down the rocks until we got to the Broad River.  We ended up sitting with our feet in the water and it was an amazing way to cool off.  Cam later told me that she was a little afraid that I’d end up falling and breaking my head, but I made it down to the river and was incredibly proud of myself.  We also wandered into a little store along the side of the road and the lady had a “pet” vulture.  He wasn’t caged, but apparently he and his partner regularly visited her.

Spending the day with Cam was such a treat as she is so funny and quirky and always gives me things to think about.  It was also so nice to just let go of work.

May 27, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Sensuality, freedom, creativity, mothering  

Book:  Great provider, all things related to motherhood 

Guidance:  Love and care for yourself and your own body, listen to your instincts 

Journaling:

The message to love and care for my body is one I have been working to take to heart lately.  One of my goals for 2019 was to do something physical every day.  Some days that is taking a long walk with the dog, some days it is swimming, some days it is working out and laughing on the WII fit.  I just have to do something.  This is so different than the kamikaze goals I would have made 15 years ago where I would have set a target weight and beat myself up if I didn’t meet it by my totally unrealistic deadline.  I’ve learned that I actually have very little control over whether or not I lose weight.  I realize that this statement may set off a chorus of judgement from those who believe that weight loss is as simple as calories in and calories out, but I’ve learned that it really is not that simple.  For me, weight loss is complicated and I’ve given up on setting a weight goal for myself.  However, that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on myself.  It means that instead of setting an arbitrary goal, I’m paying attention to what I eat, giving up soda, and getting some exercises every day.   It also means refusing to beat myself up if my body doesn’t respond as quickly as I think it should.

Recognizing Empress energy also means celebrating the motherly instinct in all creatures and today I got a first hand glimpse of Empress energy in my dog Wendy.  Wendy is a mom at heart and she loves and nurtures all creatures great and small.  I knew that from the moment I met her at the pound.  We had taken Clark with us to meet potential playmates and the first thing she did was kiss him.  It may have been because she’d had puppies several weeks before (and no, we don’t know what happened to them) or it may just be because she is a mother at heart.  She also mothers us by scolding us when we break one of “Wendy’s Rules,” which include prohibitions against working on the computer on the dining room table, going to bed too late, moving chairs around, and other random things that she thinks are improper.  The problem is that there is no list of Wendy’s Rules and we don’t know that we’ve broken them until she comes, sits in front of us, and barks at us.  Humans are not the only creatures she wants to mother.  We took her to the dog park today and she fell in love with the puppies who had come to play. 

The Empress in another form was in the news today as I read a story in the Washington Post about Auntie Networks that are forming to help women who live in patriarchal states that believe that clumps of cells have more rights that fully formed women.  These Auntie Networks are offering assistance to women who need abortions including funding, places to stay if they need to travel, and other assistance.  I realize there are some who would question why the Empress who rules over motherhood would be embodied in women helping those who need abortions.  I believe that as someone who embody’s motherhood, the Empress is also about supporting women who choose not to have children for any and all reasons.  That includes women who are choosing abortion so they can provide for the children they already have.  One of the lessons I’ve learned over the last few years is that even grown women need to be nurtured, cared for, and supported and the Auntie Networks do that.

July 3, 2022

Reading about the Auntie Networks was important for me today as Roe has fallen and it is important to know that there are groups of women who care about other women and who are there for them when they need help.  I don’t know what will happen to women in these times, but I cam glad to know that there are women who are available to help.  I also had to smile as I read about Wendy’s Rules because she is still one big bad boss dog and I love her more than anything.  

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May 15, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Nurturing, loving

Book:  fulfillment of the creative forces of the universe; understanding, energy to bring ideas to life

Guidance:  Feel our co-creatorship, pay attention to nature, be open to new situations, guard your energy, create beauty and grace

Affirmation:  I create beauty and grace

Journaling

What a great card to pull today as I’m working to create beauty and grace in my little courtyard.  My table is going to be so amazing.  I got the color blended pretty much perfectly.  It exactly the shade of green I wanted.  Now, I just need to figure out how to get the flipping paint off my hands.  I just hope I don’t have a client this week.

April 17, 2017 Revisit

I feel so blessed and loved today.

January 14, 2022  Revisit

I did succeed in creating an amazing courtyard with my outdoor furniture, lights, and rugs.  However, the table I was creating was only part of it the first year as it fell apart.  I think the lesson there is that there are certain types of creativity that I’m really not good at.  However, overall I love hanging out on the patio in the spring and so does Wendy.

July 2, 2022

Unfortunately, although I got the furniture set up, my courtyard looks very dark and dank and uncared for this year as my whole family has sunk into depression and with the kids working third shift, they don’t have energy for anything and I am so tired all the time.

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May 3, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Creative, nurturing, fertile

Book:  Mother nature herself, fulfillment of the creative impulse, pleasure and fulfillment of heart’s desire

Guidance;  Pay attention to nature and be open to new situations.  Create beauty and grace

Affirmation;   I nurture myself

Journaling:

I love the serenity of this card.  I’m realizing pregnancy is a metaphor for a quiet kind of creation where we let ideas gestate until the time is right.  Things happen for a reason and we often don’t know what that reason is until later.  We have to trust.

May 5, 2026 update

Trust is still really hard for me.  It is hard to trust when it feels as if things aren’t going my way.

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December 27, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Fertility, creativity

Book:  No want, no need, no lack, manifestation, mother archetype, creation and passion, nurture and give birth to a project, tap into the energy of mother earth

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, let your creativity flow, create beauty, take care of yourself

Journaling

What a wonderful card to pull today.  This card reminds me of the beauty and wonder in the world.  It also reminds me that I am capable of mothering myself.  And I am reminded that throughout my life, I have chose to live.  I am worthy of living and being loved and I deserve to have attachments.  It was wrong of my grandmother to say not to get attached to me. I am worth being attached to and I am worth loving.

July 7, 2018 Revisit

It makes me so sad to think about my younger self going through life thinking that she wasn’t worthy of love.  In a lot of ways, I think that is why I accepted John’s bullshit as deep down I did not think I was worthy of love so I was willing to settle for whatever little scraps I could get even if I paid a very high price for them.  I’ve realized in the last few years that I am an amazing person and I am worthy of love.  I deserve to have someone in my life who loves me and accepts me just the way I am. 

It has taken me 50 years to accept and know deep in my soul that I am worthy of love, but I am and anyone who thinks differently is wrong.

July 3, 2022

I have come so far since I left John.  I have really learned to love and accept myself.  It’s funny because when I went to the doctor and she started talking about the weight loss clinic and I told her no.  I did not want to make that a priority.  I do want to be healthy, but I refuse to make weight loss a goal.

 September 20, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Harvest of Stones

First Impressions:  This is a happy card as the rainbow signifies both beginnings and endings and happiness.

Book:  I know success because I embody and create success.

Guidance:   Have faith in yourself

Journaling:

I love this reminder to have faith in myself.  This is something that I’ve struggled with especially as a woman.  All too often there is a belief or tendency to set aside my own beliefs and buy into the belief that men know better.  I am leaning to not do that and to trust myself no matter what.

However, part of having confidence and learning to trust myself is learning to listen to others and not be so stubborn that I close out good ideas just because they weren’t mine.  Confidence is also learning to let go of the need to be territorial.  I’ve always been territorial and wanted to have hard boundaries instead of porous ones that can mutate as need be.  That’s one lesson I need to take to heart at PPl as boundaries and being territorial will not get me very far. 

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today.  I had a mostly productive day at work, but Sean is driving me nuts.  There is no respect for my working at home and he knocks or lets Wendy in.  It’s extremely annoying.

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day outside.  The temperature did not get too hot and it was a very clear day.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 26%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:10/7:28

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 April 9, 2022

Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  It is so funny that there are cows on this card, because I was looking for cows yesterday so I could take pictures and make Cam happy and I found them.  

Book:  Egoless pride, wealth, practicality

Guidance:  Wrapped in protection and dedication

Journaling:

I love the concept of egoless pride as that means I can take pride in who I am and what I’ve accomplished without feeling like I am better than anyone else.  Ego is a big part of who I have been this year and I think in part that is because I continually feel that I am under attack and have to defend who I am and the value I bring to the table.  However, in reality there is no need to defend who I am.  The Evil M and he Clueless T are not my bosses and I don’t need to defend myself to them.  They are who hey are and eventually they will trip themselves up.  I need to focus on taking pride in who i am and what I bring to the table.

It’s odd that although this card is about practicality, it is also a little bit about magic because those hills

and those cows sure look like the cows that I encountered today.  I also saw a seal playing in the harbor and that was absolutely magical.

Where:   I am in Windsor, California today and it has been an absolutely magical day.  I had never driven north on Route 1 today and it was amazing.  It was twisty and curvy and there were magical glimpses of the water around mysterious curves.  I also saw lots of cows and took pictures for Cam.  And I saw a playful seal at the Bodega Bay restaurant that I stopped at.  In another amazing bit of serendipity, I met a woman at dinner who seemed intent on telling me that she had met someone when she wasn’t looking.  She was an older woman who lived in Napa and her husband had died 2 years ago, but she’d met someone else and was happy.  It was one of those weird coincidences, but I think she had a message that I needed to hear.  I’m not sure if it was about meeting someone or not giving up hope.  At heart, I’m going to take it as just be open to what life has to offer.

Weather:  It was one of those absolutely perfect California days.  There was a little bit of a chill in the air, especially around the water, but the sun was so warm and it just felt perfect.

Moon Phase:  First Quarter, 52%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:41 am / 7:43 pm

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King of Pentacles Gilded Tarot

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  This king is so much more casual than some other versions of the King of Pents.  he is lounging as if he is a man who knows his own importance and isn’t afraid to be himself.  The king of pents is clearly the master of his domain.

Book: Enjoy the finer things in life, working hard for what you have, wanting to set aside responsibility, not satisfied by the good life, sharing what he has.

Guidance:  Welcome change and innovation, you’ve earned what you have

Journaling

Interesting that s I’m sitting looking over the city, I’m lonely.  It feels as if I have everything I need or desire, but it doesn’t mean anything.

January 23, 2018

It’s been over a year since I pulled that card and my perspective has changed so much.  Although I still want someone in my life, I’m better able to appreciate what I have and the person I’ve become.  I think a big part of my problem was that I didn’t think I should be comfortable being alone and I didn’t think I should be proud of my accomplishments.  My parents raised me to believe I was nothing without a man and John reinforced that by being jealous of who I was and what I had accomplished.  He was continually trying to bring me down a notch and it became easier to just be “less than” than to deal with his drama.  What I’ve learned is that it really is/was his drama.  He was the one that felt inadequate.  It was nothing that I did.  It was all about his inadequacies.  I don’t and can’t own them.

The funny thing is that the word that keeps coming up for me is Fierce.  I feel fierce when I manage all the different aspects of my life.  I feel fierce when I kick butt and take names.  I’m learning that sometimes you just need to be direct and tell people what to do.  It still feels really uncomfortable for me, but I know it is what needs to be done.