Author: Raine Shakti

October 10, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I love this card as it reminds me of my trip to the Grand Canyon with Sean.  We weren’t able to hike down there, but I had seen this card so I knew what was in the canyon and jut knowing it was there was awesome.  

Book:  Emotional strength is not about overcoming our feelings but instead immersing ourselves in them until we can release them and move with the flow. 

Guidance:   All feelings are good feelings

Journaling:

I love this reminder to immerse myself in my feelings.  I have spent all too much of my life running away from my feelings and being afraid of what I’ve been feeling.  I’ve even been afraid of good feelings as they can also be overwhelming.  However, what I have realized is that not feeling and holding people at bay is no way to live.  There are days when it is so hard to completely and fully love Wendy because I know that there will come a day when she will no longer be with me and the more I love her, the more pain I will feel.  However, there is so much joy in snuggling with her and being there for her and with her that I don’t want to miss any of that joy.  And loving her is an act of love as she deserves to be wholeheartedly loved for who she is.  And she is also helping me to see that I deserve that too.

Where I’m At:  I spent the day driving from home to Allentown.  It was an absolutely beautiful drive as the trees were all different shades of red and yellow.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely amazing out.  It was not too cold or too hot and it was so clear.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 100%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:06 / 6:31

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September 8, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as she is actively drinking out of a cup as she heads off into the sunset.  While most eight of cups cards give the impression that the figure is walking away from something, this one definately gives the impression she is walking toward something.

Book:  I fully honor my worth.  I am powerful and ready for change.

Guidance:   I am worthy of health and happiness

Journaling:  

I absolutely love the message on this card and it is perfect for today as I walk away from a nasty situation.  I keep asking myself if I caused this situation and the answer is no.  I did what I was supposed to do and it is not my fault that the leadership team failed.  They failed so many ways and so many times it is almost funny.  However, I do know that Brian got his ass handed to him by the TPLT.  I also know that his karma is not responsibility.  I fulfilled my responsibility by speaking my truth.  What happens to him now is up to the universe.  I also know that the universe really does take care of situations.

My only responsibility now is to walk off into my own sunset and my own happiness.  I don’t know what my long term path is, but I do know that I have to walk my own path.  And I have to stop spending so much time worrying about everyone else’s path.  I also have to step back and put things into perspective.  In the long term, this bullshit with the computer is not a big deal.  PPL is not going to hold me responsible and the thing is that they should have sent it sooner.  However, there is nothing I can do about that either so I’m just going to let go and do what I need to do today and trust that it is all going to be okay.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today finishing up my last bit of work.  It is sort of bittersweet a there is a lot of things I’ve enjoyed at The Nest, but I won’t stay while Asshole Brian actively humiliates me.  Homey don’t need this garbage.  However, on a positive front, I had a ls

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out today, but i didn’t get to enjoy it because I had so much to do.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 95%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:58 / 7:49

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June 19th, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Goddess

First Impressions:  Cups sharing energy, walking away, full moon, sadness

Book:  Transition, disappointment, letting go, space, rest

Guidance:   Take a break and breathe

Journaling:

I have received so many messages lately about taking a break and figuring out what’s next.  I love that message and it is so what I need right now.  I don’t like my current job, but I have enough money to pay my bills and I’m not working a million hours.  The other thing that is interesting right now is that I have a lot of time for my self as the kids are both working nights.  I have time to read, to play, and to figure out what I want in life.  That’s a good feeling and I know that for me in order to figure out what’s next, I need to clear away all the emotional and physical clutter.  I’m starting with the physical clutter as getting rid of that will help me to get rid of the emotional clutter.

I actually saw Yemaya last night for the first time in ages and it was so comforting.  She told me that she still loves me and that it is not the clutter keeping me from her, but my fear that the clutter was keeping me from her.  She also reminded me that no one woke up in a disgusting house and that no one woke up a hoarder.  It was saving one magazine, then a few more, etc. etc.  She said that I need to clean on a regular basis so that my house doesn’t become a hoarder’s house.  I can’t necessarily do anything about Sean, but I can keep taking small steps to keep the house clean.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and it is so nice out.  I’ve got the windows open and turned off the air.  I’m sitting in front of the new window and it is so awesome to have the window open and feel the cool air

Weather:  It is absolutely a perfect summer day.  It is just about 70 and there is a nice breeze.

Moon Phase:  Waning gibbous, 68%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:50/ 9:04

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June 7, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Symmetry, watching the moon, mountains, 

Book:  Ending, moving on, journey, transition

Guidance:   Nothing is truly lost, only transformed

Journaling:

This is an interesting card as it makes me think of turning my back on things and walking away.  What I’m realizing about endings is that they are not always clear cut.  They are sometimes a little fuzzy like the ending of my friendship with B.  I love that guy and he helped me tremendously.  However, he made a comment once that eventually we would drift apart and I didn’t believe him because I thought we’d always have something between us.  However, I realize now that he made that comment because he knew himself.  He knew that he was bad about maintaining friendships so what he was really saying is that I’m bad about maintaining friendships so eventually you will either have to do all the work or our friendship will be over.

And he was right because eventually there came a point where I grew tired of doing all the emotional labor to maintain the friendship.  I grew tired of always having to make the phone calls, always having to plan the lunch dates, always having to be the one that texts.  I find it interesting because he always complained about his friendships ending and other people not reaching out, but he never reaches out and I  know that he never reached out to other people.  He just led the friendships drift away.  There is a part of me that is sad that our friendship died, but I’m going to be grateful for what we had, be grateful for the fact he was there for me when I really needed a friend and just let go.

Weather:  It is hot and gross out.  I’m glad I’m in the factory today because it is just disgusting out there.  

Moon Phase:  First Quarter

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:27 /8:27

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May 4, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Asian, Moon and Sun, Watching the waves

Book:  Ending, moving on, journey, transition

Guidance: Nothing is truly lost, only transformed

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull as I’m in Chicago and there is a big part of me feeling the tug back to old places.  I didn’t even reach out to Blaze or Scott while I was there and I deliberately didn’t post pictures on Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to ask why I hadn’t reached out.  I love the city, but it’s not home anymore.  I didn’t even want to drive to any of my old stomping grounds.  I didn’t drive through Bridgeport.  I didn’t drive up Michigan Ave.  I just didn’t feel like it.  I guess the truth is that I know that part of my life is behind me.

Where:  I’m in Chicago.  It was a long day today as I had a lot of meetings and had to be “on” this morning at the plant.  I came back to my hotel, worked a little on work instructions and went to bed early.

Weather:  It was chilly, but not cold.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 12

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:40 am / 7:53 pm

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Book: Feel your feelings

Guidance:  Immerse yourself in your feelings until you can feel them

Journaling

Actually feeling your feelings is something that I learned when I was in Al-Anon as until that time I had ignored my feelings because it was too painful and scary to actually acknowledge what I was feeling.  I also know that during my marriage everything was rage as I was so angry all the time.  I didn’t realize that I was actually feeling sadness, grief, fear, and a host of other emotions until I was out of the situation.  It was when I started going to Al-Anon and hearing people talk about feeling their feelings that I realized that ignoring my feelings only meant that I was constantly feeling rage and anger because I was afraid of the “weaker” emotions like grief, sadness, and fear.  In some ways, it was just easier to puff myself up with anger than to acknowledge that I was afraid my marriage would not last, that I was feeling shame over who I was, and that I was grieving the perfect life I thought I was going to have.  Anger also allowed me to avoid responsibility for my life as I could say that everyone else made me angry without looking at what I was responsible for.

I remember sitting on the steps of the Pabst Mansion in Milwaukee crying as I started to feel sadness, grief, and other emotions for what might have been the first time.  They were still painful and uncomfortable, but actually feeling the real emotions instead of just anger let me process them and by acknowledging them, I was able to work through why I was feeling what I was feeling.  That day was a big step in my healing and it helped me to understand what people meant when they said I needed to feel my feelings.  This card reminds me that I need to feel what I’m feeling without being judgmental and beating myself up for whatever I’m feeling.  It’s okay to feel shame, it’s okay to feel fear, and it is okay to feel grief.  What I’ve found is that sitting with my feelings and really identifying them does help me to work through them.  Writing them out or sharing them with honest statements that say “I feel…” are also very liberating.

Sitting with your feelings is incredibly hard, but when you learn to do it, it really does make your life better.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Saying f* it and walking away, being fed up

Book: Questing, life dragging us down, weary to the bone, empty vessels drained of our enthusiasm, heart’s yearning for deeper meaning

Guidance:  Begin a spiritual quest, take time alone, be more present with your inner life

Journaling

This card just reminded me of where I’m at today as I just want to say F* it and walk away from this stupid project.  Nobody is getting along and we’re not getting anything done.  I truly due feel as if life is dragging me down and I am weary to the bone.  However, the reality of it is that I can choose to take it personally or I can choose to let it roll off my back.  I do not have to own any of the drama that is going on.  I can just choose to let it all slide off my back. Managing the consultants is not my job, but when I choose to take ownership of it, I am the one that suffers because I get all swirly and I get caught up in the drama.  My project manager needs to own the situation and she needs to step up to the plate and kick butt. 

I just need to focus on what I need to get done and expend my energy on the things that I am responsible for.  That includes capturing all the changes that Gartner created and getting them input into SharePoint and on to the Org Impact Analysis.  That is what I am responsible for.  I’m not responsible for what the functional team does or does not due.  I am only responsible for my own little corner of the world and the sooner I remind myself of that, the better I will feel.  I just need to focus on my stuff.

In my personal life, I’m doing a much better job of that and of not getting so caught up and swirly about all the stuff that is going on.  I read an amazing book about the Sabbath over the weekend and it put it into context for me.  it was a good reminder that the Sabbath is supposed to be a time out of time.  It is all about setting aside one day to just be.  To just think, pray, enjoy, and be.  It is about letting go of work for a period of time and just being.  I was actually able to do that this weekend and it felt really good.

Gratitudes

Phone charger fixed my issue

Yummy Poke for dinner

Wendy & Clark had a good day with the kids

Snuggles from Wendy this morning

Skyping with Cam

Flight was on time

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September 2, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Sedna, Eight of Water

First Impressions:  Sedna is always a goddess of deep despair for me based on her story.  She is a powerful goddess who withholds animals from the Inuit unless they confess their taboos and appease her.  She always strikes me as cold and unfeeling as if the trauma that her father put her through (cutting off her fingers) left her permanently devoid of compassion.

Book:  Going deep is not an easy task, let it be worthwhile.  Sedna reigns in the deep dark oceans, past the place of final breath.  Sedna was betrayed by one who loved her, one she trusted, and one who was responsible to care for her.  When she is treated with respect, she will release the animals from the deep and allow her people to partake of the bounty of the sea.

Guidance:  Sedna’s guidance tells us to care for the child who has been betrayed.  She also tells us to look at old wounds we may have below the surface and to understand the links between those woulds and our woulds.

Journaling:

Wow!  This is powerful stuff and it sums up a lot of where I’m at.  I’ve been betrayed and sold out by people who were supposed to love and cherish me and it hurts a lot.

Luke

February 14, 2004 to July 21, 20117

RIP

I’ve been feeling Sedna lately as I feel the despair and the betrayal.  It feels as if I’m swimming in a deep soup of emotions and I’m scared to let go because I’m scared I will drown in these painful emotions.  I’m scared of truly feeling my grief for Luke because I’m scared that once I let the sorrow flow out, I won’t be able to turn it back off.  I’m scared to go back to the deep dark place that I was after John left.  I thought I would never be able to come out of the darkness.

Message from Sedna:

There is a difference, Raine.  Your’ grief for Luke is pure and unadulterated by anger or a sense of betrayal!  Luke loved you with everything he had.  There were no games or using.  It was pure unadulterated love.  You can’t say that with John as there were always games.

December 18, 2017

Dear Sedna,

Thank you for the reminder that Luke’s love was pure and unadulterated.  I’ve been feeling disloyal to Luke because I’ve been fallling in love with Clark because he is so cute and energetic.  I’m realizing that loving Clark doesn’t dishonor Luke.  It is about opening my heart and there is room in my heart for both of them.

December 27, 2017 Review

Wow!  This was amazingly powerful!  I’ve been feeling a lot of grief right now.  This time of year is hard for me as all of the drama I’ve been through and the body memories from all the painful stuff that has happened in November and December.  I think a lot of what I’m feeling comes down to grief and learning to grieve well.  I’m realizing that it is okay to feel my feelings and that I don’t have to stuff them. If I am honest and feel my feelings when I feel them, they do not become so scary and overwhelming.

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May 16, 2016

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Eight of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions;  Going upstream, fighting instead of going with the flow, loss of a sense of purpose

Book:  The past may feel like it is overwhelming you, like it is too hard to change the way you life. (so true)

Journaling

I do feel as if I am swimming upstream right now and that I have no sense of purpose.  It feels as if I don’t know where I’m going or what is important to me.  I feel adrift as if there is no point or purpose.  I know what I want in life, a loving relationship, but I don’t know how to get there.  I don’t know how to find that relationship without sorting through a whole lot of chaff, something I don’t have time for.

October 09, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I love this card as it portrays the messages of love, friendship, and emotion.  Being underwater and seeing the bubbles and the lotus grow is awesome.

Book:  Two hearts linked together in love

Guidance:   Falling in love is precious

Journaling:

Love is such a funny thing.  And he problem is that it is so easy to mistake infatuation for love.  I truly thought that I loved John and maybe I did in the way I knew how to at the time.  I also think that he loved me in the way that he knew how to at the time.  However, we had both had bad examples of what love was so we were doing our best, but it wasn’t enough.  And neither of us had good models of what healthy equality based love looked like.  The models that both of us had were a dominance version of love.  One person was dominant and the other subordinate and that was the only model we knew.  And neither of us was mature enough to have a discussion about it.  We had never seen other models of love so we were not capable of even conceiving of that type of love.  I also don’t know if we were mature enough to take a step back and think about what we wanted in a relationship.

As I write this, I feel my anger at John melting away and it feels as if I understand that we were both not in the right place to be in that marriage.  I wasn’t mature enough to understand the give and take necessary or to hold him accountable when he was being immature.  I was also so desperate to be loved that I wasn’t able to do the right thing for myself and  my kids.  That doesn’t mean I don’t regret hurting my kids and modeling a bad relationship for them.  However, I also have to let go and remind myself that I’ve done the best job I could.

Where I’m At:  Cam and I drove over to Erie to go to the Beach Glass Festival.  It was super cool and there were so many beautiful things.  We chose to walk outside from the festival back to our car and it was wonderful to walk along the lake.  We drove over to Presque Isle and had a beautiful drive.  That is such an absolutely beautiful place.

Weather:  It was a gorgeous day.  There was a little bit of wind, but overall it was beautiful out

Moon Phase:  Full Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:30/6:56

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March 8, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  This card is beautiful and the intertwined hands with the energy flowing into the two cups make truly feel loved.  It also makes me so sad because I’ve never had someone who just wanted to hold hands with me.

Book:  Romantic partners, soulmates, connected hearts, passion, joyful connection

Guidance:   Open yourself to love

Journaling:

I hate this card.  I have been open to love and it has gotten me absolutely nowhere.  I love my family and my dogs, but I want the real deal.  I want someone to hold hands with and to love.  It hurts that I don’t have that in my life and it really makes me wonder what’s wrong with me.  What did I do in this life or a prior life that no one wants me?  It really hurts to go through life unwanted and feel like no one will ever love you.  I have worked hard to love myself and to be open and loving, but it feels like I am invisible and no one will ever love me.  There are honest to goodness days when I wonder what the point of going on is.

Where I’m At: I pulled this card at the end of the day on the 8th, but it made me so sad that I didn’t feel like journaling

Weather:  It is cold and icky today.  It’s been raining and just not a beautiful day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 32%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:50 am / 6:25 pm

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First Impressions: Love, openness, trust

Book:  Beginning of a new relationship or a new phase in an existing one, promise is made, friendship pledged, trust begins to grow

Guidance:  Learn to love yourself to truly love another

Journaling

I deliberately picked this card today because it made me think of dancing and the song “Dance with Someone Who Loves me.”  Cam and I were at Macy’s today and that song came on and I danced with her and it was an amazing and joyous moment and it was such an affirmation to me that I don’t have to be in a relationship to have people who love me in my life.  I am surrounded by love and all I need to do is open my heart to receive it.  I’ve spent the last 10 years closing my heart off because I am so afraid of being hurt and of making bad choices, but all closing my heart off does is hurt me.  It means I am probably missing out on having amazing friends because I’m so afraid of being hurt.

Cam’s assault also rattled my ability to trust, but I have to remind myself that there are bad people in this world and that trusting does not mean totally turning off my discernment.  I have good instincts and have a good feel for people with good intentions and bad intentions.  And when I am truly honest with myself, I knew that John was a bad proposition within a few weeks of getting married because he became mean and controlling and expected me to go out with his friends and do everything he wanted to do.  However, Charlene had instilled in me the thought that I had to be with someone so I overrode my instincts to satisfy that desire.  I’m a lot stronger now and I won’t overrule my instincts for someone else again.

I’m also at a point in my life where I am truly starting to like who I am and accept that even though I’m not perfect, I’m pretty awesome just the way I am.  That’s a pretty cool feeling and is really helping me to love who I am instead of who I want to be.  Like last night, I ordered too much food way too late and I’m feeling the effects of it, but instead of telling myself that I’m stupid, I’m just saying i shouldn’t have done that and those are two very different messages.  I’m done making value judgments on everything I do.  I may do some stupid things, but that does not make me stupid.

A big part of the change in me I can attribute directly to the loving kindness meditation that I do every day.  It helps remind myself to love myself and sends out love to the people in my life that I love and the people that are difficult.  The most difficult part of the meditation is sending love out to the difficult

people in my life.  I’m not at the point yet where those meditations flow off my tongue and there are days I really stumble over doing them, especially for Charlene, but I just keep saying it one day at a time and I’m getting there.

Exercise:
Begin practicing a loving kindness meditation every day

It was amazing to read this today and realize how far I have cone.  This post showed so much growth and maturity compared to my other readings on the two of cups.  One of the biggest ways I believe I have grown is that I’ve quit being so mean to myself.  I’ve become able to unconditionally love myself.  I give a lot of the credit for that to Wendy as she is truly my “doglaganger.”  She snores, she’s stout, she can be a little clingy, but no matter what I love her to pieces and I think that when I started to realize that she has a lot of the same “bad” characteristics as I do and I still love her, I realized that I was loveable despite some of those negative characteristics.

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November 12, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First impressions:  Heart Connection

Book:  Union creating a unique energy that is mystical and special, uniting opposing qualities

Guidance:  Faced with opportunity to partner with someone, honor the gift of the moment and enjoy it, enjoy the magic, do not let it engulf you

Journaling

The truth of the matter is that it is actually not unusual for my daughter to not answer the phone.  She rarely has the ringer on so it is always hit or miss whether she will answer.  I really just need to let go and trust that she’s being held and is okay.  I know she needs rest but it’s really hard not being home.  Sean will be there this afternoon, so all we can do is wait.

October 27, 2018 Revisit

On the surface, this does not sound like I am addressing the card, but at the moment I was so overwhelmed and scared because Cam had gone incommunicado.  However, this is about heart connection.  Cam and Sean are my heart and it hurts when I am afraid for them.  The good thing is that she was perfectly fine and was just sleeping late.

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October 24, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Traditional, Friendship, Love

Book: Balance, Dualism, Card of Soul Mates, promise of healing, completing, sharing

Guidance:  Cooperate, Work to Balance

Journaling

Although the book readings and traditional two of cups are about love and partnership, this card strikes me as lonely.  The woman is sitting in her tower with a bird for company.  The look on her face is sad and very bleak.  this card kind of sums up how lonely I feel lately.  I am very lonely and I feel like the good stuff is passing me by.  I feel like all I do is work.

May 25, 2018 Revisit

I’m realizing this card isn’t lonely as much as showing a need to let people in and let ourselves be cared for by others even if those others don’t appear to be what we’re looking for.  I think the message from the universe is about having people and beings in our lives who recognize our pain and who are there for us when we need them  The little critters are there to cheer her up and to bring stardust into her life.  This card is about people who love you showing up for you.

When I look at the card i this context, I do have people who love me and who show up for me when I need them.  The kids are always there for me, Clark shows up and cuddles and makes me laugh.  People at work are supportive of what I’m trying to accomplish.  Even though I don’t have the love of my life, I am loved and supported.

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June 2, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  Two of Water, Reversed

First Impressions:  This is a card of unconditional love.  I love how she is hugging her dog, you can totally feel the love coming off of both of them.  As this card is reversed, it is talking to me of love withheld.

Journaling:

Again I’m getting a card about ending relationships and about co-dependency.  I know it is time to let go of a X and move on. He’s pulled away and it is time for me to let go and accept that it isn’t going to happen.  The sad thing is that I really miss his friendship.  I miss having someone in my life who knows me that well.

Even if there may be a time in the future when we are meant to be together, that time is not now.  Now is the time to open my heart to love and ask the universe for guidance as to what I want in a relationship.  It is time open my heart and manifest the relationship that is right for me.

It is also the time to let go of my anger at my mother.  She is who she is and I cannot change her.  I don’t want to say she is incapable of learning and /or growing, but at the end of the day it is not my problem.  I have to accept her as she is and choose what our relationship looks like.  I tried to let her into my life on a limited basis and she chose to break that trust.  Maybe I need to look at this from a different perspective:  I chose to cut her out of my life because it was the best choice for me, just like John chose to walk away because it was the best choice for him.

December 29, 2017 Revisited

The end of my marriage still bothers me a lot and the farther away I get and the more able I am to put things into perspective, I realize that it doesn’t bother me that it ended, it bothers me the way it ended and that John treated me with such disrespect.  He told the kids before me, he didn’t help move out or settle the house, he expected me to just live there by myself.  However, as I told Cam about something else today, when people treat you like crap that is all about them!  It shows that he is a totally crappy person with no manners and he is not someone I need in my life.

The very best lesson I learned from my marriage is that I deserve respect and that if someone does not treat me with respect, they are not in my life for long.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

What’s interesting is that I didn’t realize I had pulled the two of cups reversed twice within about a week.  I love this card when it is upright as it shows the unconditional love we get from our pets and I know that Luke gave me so much unconditional love.  He was there for me when my world totally fell apart.  And Wendy is my heart dog, I know how much she loves me and she truly is always there for me.

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May 25, 2016

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card:  Two of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Joyless, empty, hapiness is draining away, all alone

Book:  Deflated, joy is draining away, experience unrequited love, fair of sharing your heart with another

Journaling

This was dead on for me today.  I am afraid of sharing my heart with someone.  I’m also truly letting go of B and while it feels good and is the right thing to do, I still feel empty inside.  I feel deflated and as if I will never love again.  And when I am truly honest with myself, I also know deep down that there is a part of me that still hopes we will be together.  There is a part of me that wants the gods not now isead of no.  I think the hardest part is knowing in my heart he loves me, but that we won’t be together.  It would be so much easier if I knew he didn’t love me, but there is a part of me that believes he does and that makes it hard.

I’m also realizing that the me that was in the Condor’s nest was the me that was in love with X.  He rescued me, but left me alone when he realized I was capable of protecting and taking care of myself.  If I am really and truly honest with myself, I know that any hope I had of a relationship with X ended when he called me a strong woman.  Strong women are not his type.  He loves damsels in distress and once I moved out of that box, I was no longer interesting.  Why is it that men do not like/appreciate strong women?  We threatened their preconceived views of gender roles because they have been brought up believing they need to protect women, but when they encounter women who don’t need protecting, it threatens them.

It really and truly hurts that X has walked away.  I miss him on so many levels.  I miss him as my friend a lot, but in my I heart I knew it wouldn’t work out.  I know we wouldn’t end up together unless he changed and all inciates are that he is not really capable of changing.  I’m also realizing that I need to just let go and trust the universe as it has always provided for me and why wouldn’t the universe provide now.  I need to work on work stuff and my classes.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

I realized as I reread this that X appreciated my strong qualities from a coworker perspective, but not as a woman.  John and he shared that quality as John could not stand strong women.  He always had to work to bring me down as he could not handle the fact that I was strong and I did not need to be rescued.

 October 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This card always makes me think of someone who is tipsy.  He feels like a benign drunk, but a drunk nonetheless.

Book:  You are the master of your emotions.  Bring forth all that is noble, kind, and wise.

Guidance:   Follow your passion through the storm to a bright outcome.

Journaling:

I have to step back from the image in this card to think about navigating through  my emotions and to following my passion.  This is sort of hard for me because my passions have gotten me into trouble in the past.  I have spent so much time addicted to people and things, that I haven’t always done a good job of really managing though my emotions.  I let myself get sucked down rabbit holes due to my emotions. I know that has to stop because getting sucked down rabbit holes is not healthy for me.  I also sometimes delude myself because of my codependent personality.

I know that for me personally, I cannot just allow my passion to dictate the direction I take in life.  I have to balance it with reason and a consideration of the facts.  B is a big regret in my life because I should have let go of him way sooner, but I allowed myself to be manipulated into believing that there was a possibility that we could be together.  I should have stopped the readings and manipulation way sooner.  And there are a lot of times I regret the money I spent, but I also believe there was a purpose in that spending and that it is all okay.

Where I’m At:  Cam and I went to the Farmer’s Market to pick up some veggies, we dropped the recycling off, then we went to the Cultural Gardens.  The Cultural Gardens were absolutely spectacular.  We walked through several of them and there is so much more than you can see driving by.  We learned about Hungary, about Latvia, and about several other countries.  I just love seeing the pride that people take in their home countries.

Weather:  It was an absolutely spectacular day today.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 98%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:29/6:57

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 September 29, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Harvest of Cups

First Impressions:  I love this image of a big horned sheep with the little bit of rainbow on his back.  I also feel like there is a clear sense that the big horned sheep is the master of his domain.

Book:  My spirit is already at the top of this mountain.  I simply have to meet it here.

Guidance:   Allow wisdom and compassion to guide us

Journaling:

I truly love this card and the reminder to let wisdom and compassion guide us.  I am realize as I leave my former place of employment in my rear view mirror exactly how toxic it was for me.  At heart I am very much a drama llama, but I also know that indulging in gossip and drama is not good for me.  As much as I learned from G., he was also toxic for me as he indulged in a lot of gossip and telling tales about people who were lazy and about how F*ed up some situations were.  Although I’m also learning about the politics at my new job, it isn’t in a personal way.  I can also never imagine someone telling me they are a functional alcoholic.

The farther I get away from bathing in drama, the better I am able to leave it behind and not start it.  I used to always be the one that started drama, but now there is a part of me that just wants to indulge in the drama and the BS.  However, that is not good for my serenity and it wastes so much energy.  I am working really hard to change my thought patterns and I’m glad I’m in an environment that is more conducive to that.

Where I’m At:  I was home today and it was a super busy day at work.  However, I did get a lot done and that felt good.  I also talked to Gina for a while today and it was just nice to connect with someone.  We were supposed to have Open Table, but we had connectivity issues so I talked to Kim for a bit.

Weather:  It was cool out today, but overall a nice day.  

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 14%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:19 am / 7:12 pm

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June 1, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Emotions, fluidity

Book:  Serving others, emotional stability, warm heart

Guidance: Be at home with your true feelings

Journaling:

I’ll be honest and say that my true feelings are scary right now.  I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m afraid, I’m angry.  The world seems to be going all to hell and we are so off kilter that it seems impossible to fix anything.  I don’t know what the answer is and I don’t even know if my help or hard work will fix anything.  It seems as if the problems are so much bigger than all of us.  It seems as if nothing will fix any of it.

And it seems as if I am wasting my life working in a job that serves no one.  I’m also afraid to help people because I’m afraid of absorbing other people’s emotions and taking on their pain.  I have so much pain of my own, that it feels lie taking on other people’s pain is overwhelming.  I don’t know if anything will come out of the opportunity at Metro.  I really and truly want something to come out of it, but I don’t think they’ll be able to pay me what I need to be paid.  I also don’t know what the path forward is.  All I know that I want my life to matter and right now, it doesn’t.

Where:  I’m at home today and chilling with the dogs

Weather:  It was warm outside and I laid outside in the hammock and chilled out

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 am / 8:55 pm

October 1, 2022 Thoughts

Reading this is interesting as I know a lot of the angst I was feeling was really related to the place I was working in.  I am a very empathic person and I know that when I am around toxicity I absorb it.  I have not yet learned how to be around the toxicity without absorbing it.

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Deck:  Tarot de st. Croix

First Impressions: Drunk, loving, sleepy

Book:  Feeling and expressing emotions intensely, following passion through the storms

Guidance: Be the master of your emotions

Journaling

Emotions are such a funny thing as sometimes they seem so overwhelming and as if there is no way that I can bear them.  They’re also scary and I don’t know how to bear them all and how to survive them.  I feel sometimes as if I’m trapped in a storm of emotions and as if nothing good will come out of them.  This King of Cups is not one of my favorite cards because it feels as if the king is falling over drunk and that’s not something I ever want to do again.  I like being in control of my faculties and I like waking up and remembering what I’ve done.  This card also reminds me of John and he brings out the absolute worst in me.  He makes me feel as if I am the most worthless person on the planet and that’s not a place I want to go back to.

It has taken me a really long time to learn that feelings aren’t facts and most of the time I do a good job maintaining an even keel, but there are days when it feels as if I let my emotions get the better of me and I get overwhelmed.  Part of it is that I’m totally overwhelmed at work and it feels as if I will never dig myself out of this hole that I’m in and I’m overwhelmed at school and feel as if the work will never get done.  However, I also know that it will get done and I know that no matter what i am strong enough to bear this.  And it may be that things get delayed and don’t get done as soon as I’d like them to get done, but that’s okay.  I will maintain and make it through this.

November 9, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional control

Book:  Fortunate in your achievements, there are things in your life that give you satisfaction

Guidance:  Be aware of focusing on what you don’t have, nurture your emotions

Journaling

I needed this reminder today to focus on what I have instead of what is missing from my life.  I am so blessed that we found my daughter last night, but I really want to hurt the guy who raped her.  However, she isn’t dead and that is a blessing.  I was so terrified last night.  I felt like I aged 100 years in the 30 minutes she wasn’t answering her phone.

I know that we saved her life by his knowing we were coming.  I have to admit that I am so angry and sad today.  I’m  angry that she gave a stranger a ride, I’m sad that she was hurt, and I’m so angry at him.  However, the overwhelming feeling today is gratitude that she is alive.  I’m grateful that she knows she can call me at any time and that she did.  It could have been so much worse, if the rapist hadn’t known that she had people who loved her and were looking for her.

October 27, 2018

It has been a year and I still want him dead.  The case is slowly winding its way through the court system, but as the anniversary comes up, she is getting really anxious and angry and sad.   The worst part is that I will not be here for her.  However, we will figure out a plan so that she feels supported and knows that she is loved.

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May 13, 2022

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional maturity

Book:  Surrounded by the sea of the subconscious, ability to move through , underlying mastery of emotions

Guidance:  Manage your emotions, remain detached

Affirmation:  I am aware

Journaling:

I don’t think this card is about mastering my emotions as much as it is about being detached and not letting them control me.  It is about choice and choosing how to act based on emotions. Most of my life, I have been a slave to my emotions, but I am learning that just because you feel something, it doesn’t mean you have to act on it.  I can feel emotions, but choose not to react.  I can be angry and choose to take a deep breath and release my anger.  I can choose to go about my business even if I am sad or low.  It is pretty amazing to choose how to act based on facts and not emotions.

May 14, 2016 Revisit

The last few years have been an amazing journey and although I wouldn’t wish the pain I’ve gone through on anyone, it has shaped me in a way that I don’t think anything else could have and although it is painful, I’m glad I’ve gone through this.  It has helped me to open my heart and to realize that not everything adults told me when I was growing up was true.  In fact, there is an awful lot that is just plain bullshit.  I read about women who are my age and who have accomplished amazing things and I wonder if that could have been me if I had had a supportive family instead of one that lived in the dark ages when women were chattel.  It really hurts to have been raised that way.

February 6, 2022 Revisit

As I look through the cards I have pulled over the last few years, I realize that I have rarely pulled kings.  A purely unscientific study shows I’ve pulled them a lot less than other cards.  However, as I chose the Elder of Fire, who sits in a King spot, for my card this year, it seems I have been pulling them a lot more.  I think that is a reflection of the fact that I am stepping into my power and I know that being male is no longer a precursor for power.  However, I also know that I want a different kind of power than men typically have.  I want a more collaborative and supportive type of power.

 October 7, 2022

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I love this card because it isn’t just about dancing and stuff, it is showing the three friends connecting over a board game.  I think sometimes we forget that there are multiple ways to connect.

Book:  Cherish friendships and emotional bonds with people

Guidance:   Take down the walls

Journaling:

I love this reminder to actually take time to make friends and create relationships.  I am really bad at this and I’ve gotten even worse since not working in person anymore.  It is hard to form relationships when working virtually and historically that has been my primary way of forming friendships.  However, the benefits of working remote weigh outweigh the downsides.  I think I just have to make more of an effort to form relationships.  Open Table was a good start and I will find some other ways to meet people.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and I am so happy that it is Friday.  I got home at a reasonable time last night, but I am still exhausted.

Weather:  The weather is beautiful out tonight.  I always forget how much I love fall.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 93%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:28 / 6:59

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Deck:  Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  Initially, I’m not a fan of the card as it deviates from the traditional version of three friends hanging out and dancing.  However, I believe it does get to the essence of the three of cups as someone is playing a musical instrument and they are being appreciated and loved with the gift of the lilies.

Book:  Graces, success, growth, rejoicing and merriment, coming to conclusion

Guidance:   You are loved

Journaling:

The artwork on these cards is so beautiful and the symbolism so rich, that I am willing to open my mind to them not being as instantly readable for me as the RWS.  What I love about this card is that it shows that the woman is loved and appreciated with a quiet celebration.  It also shows there are different ways to be loved and appreciated.  I sometimes get so caught up in the fact that I don’t have a lot of friends to go out and hang out with, that I forget I don’t want to go out and hang out with people all the time.  I’m perfectly content to go out once in a while, to have people appreciate me on Facebook and to have Wendy sit by me and love me.

I am coming to realize that I need to live the life that is right for me and not worry about what people think.  John always called me a hermit because I didn’t want to go out and party with people.  However, the thing is that life is so busy and work takes so much time that if I go out and party with people or even just hang out all the time, I won’t have time to do the things that are important to me.  T was talking about her new life and drinking wine with the moms and going on girl’s trips.  And I’m like “NO” that does not sound like fun at all.  I like sitting on the couch with the dogs, doing my research, and generally being my own person.  What it has taken me a while to realize is that that is okay.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting on the couch next to the Great Wendy this morning.  I slept on the couch and after Cam took her out this morning, she crawled on top of me and wouldn’t move.  I’m not sure why she felt the need to be on top of me.  When I tried to get up, she refused to move and I ended up rolling off the couch.  Of course, she had to post about it on Instagram 😦

Weather:  It’s raining out this morning and warm.  I hate it when it rains and is hot.  That is so disgusting.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:11 am / 8:54 pm

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 April 24, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  This card is full of happiness, love, and friendship.  I’m not sure about the horse though as that seems to be weird symbolism.

Book:  Community, joy, parties, fun, abundance

Guidance:  Community is a blend of self and other

Journaling:

What I’m realizing is that modern day living does not make creating a community easy.  We live in one place, work in another, and often go play in another.  We are not forced to see the same people all the time and if we don’t like someone, it is easy to just walk away.  In the past, people created communities and relied upon their neighbors because they have to.  I have no incentive to interact with or get to know my neighbors.  We’ve also pushed the concept of self reliance and independence and made it a bad thing to rely upon others.

I’m not sure how I’m going to resolve this in my own life, but I need to figure out a way to build an intentional community of people that I like and can rely upon.

Where: I am at home today and as usual on the couch with the doggos.  I’m actually having a good day today because I got one of my papers done yesterday and have a plan for the other tomorrow.  I should be able to get all three of them done.

Weather:  It was sunny and warm out and I took the dingles out for a while today and they hung out and enjoyed the sun.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 39%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:30 am / 8:17 am

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Friendship, having fun

Book:  Three friends having fun

Guidance:  Cherish friendship and emotional bonds with people

Journaling

I don’t have a lot of friends in my life and I’m not good at making friends and just hanging out with someone else.  I have to admit that when Heather first reached out to me, my first instinct was to say no because I didn’t want to expend the emotional energy to meet someone else.  However, I am so glad that I said yes and that we went out and had a good dinner.  We share a lot of the same interests and values and it was awesome to talk to someone who gets the things I’m interested in.  It was very comfortable, relaxed, and awesome.  She also admitted to me that she doesn’t have a lot of friends and that it’s hard for her to meet people.  I really felt like we bonded.

Cam and I also had a great day visiting the lemur research center, going to the yarn store, and just hanging out.  We also went to The Holy Rose which is a wonderful Pagan Store in Durham and I spent about 10 minutes just meditating in front of the Virgin Mary statue.  It was really nice to just sit there and let her love wash over me.  I felt her presence so strongly and she brought me such a sense of love and peace.  It also made me want to commit to set up an actual altar where I worship on a regular basis as I think there is an amazing sense of piece that comes from having a place that collects energy.  I also know that it has to be a private place as anything I put in a public place becomes a junk heap.

I was also happy that I had time to just hang out by myself and destress.  I don’t get a lot of time by myself without having a ton of obligations so it was really nice. 

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Openness, honesty, heart to heart, fun

Book:  Triple aspect of the Goddess:  maiden

, mother, and crone, mutual respect, enduring bonds, and social pleasures, loyalty, and shared ideas, creating sacred space

Guidance:  Enjoy the company of a few good friends, have a feast, indulge yourself, act from the heart to build relationships

Journaling:

Most three of cups cards have a sense of frivolity and fun as we see three women dancing and toasting.  This one has a deeper meaning as the women sitting topless indicating a willingness to be open and honest with one another and to be truthful about all things.  It is about letting go of our masks and getting real with the people we call friends.   It’s about being able to share the uncomfortable things with people, the things we’d be embarrassed to tell anyone else, it’s being able to cry without worrying about the snot coming out of your nose, and being able to laugh until you snort without being embarrassed.  And it’s about being honest with people and knowing they won’t give you advice unless you ask for it.

I grew up believing that friendship meant having people stick their nose in their business and give you unsolicited advice.  And unfortunately, that is all too often the way that friendship is portrayed today.  However, I learned about real friendship in Al-Anon where I learned that real friendship meant being able to just listen and witness someone’s pain without rushing in to fix things.  One of the things I realized in being forced (as there are rules against unsolicited advice in Al-Anon) to keep my mouth shut when people poured their hearts out was that giving advice was more for me than for the people on the receiving end.  It is hard to sit and listen to someone who has a problem that you are convinced you have the solution for and keep quiet.  It is uncomfortable to silently witness people’s pain.  However, I also learned from being the one pouring out my heart that there was something empowering about people not giving me unsolicited advice.  It meant that I was free to ask for advice, if I chose to, or figure it out myself.  The more I experienced this true unconditional love, the more I found myself wanting advice from people who had it together.  I also realized that unwelcome advice creates a power differential as the person giving the advice inevitably acts superior to the person on the receiving end.

As I discovered that type of relationship, I realized that the relationships of my childhood were unequal relationships where I was made to feel less than for not having all the answers or for not taking unsolicited advice.  My ex-husband was great at making me feel less than for not taking his advice.  What he didn’t realize that even if I didn’t take his advice, I often listened and considered it as I developed a plan of my own.  I don’t have a lot of friends now as I’m still a hermit at heart, but I do have a few friends that I trust with my soul and it feels amazing to have people who love you and accept you for who you are.

Exercise:  

Think about the people in your life, who do you love because they trust and empower you?

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January 1, 2017

Deck:  Robin Woods

First Impressions:  Although the women are supposed to be enjoying themselves, they are not looking at each other, it is as if they are in their own little worlds.  The three of cups is traditionally about friendship.

Book: Joyful, playful, joining in thriving friendships, emotional generosity

Guidance:  Be sociable, make friends

Journaling:

Not a card that I’m truly thrilled about drawing.  I know I need to get out and make friends, but I’m stuck in a rut. 

Dearest Ones,

Please guide me to the activities that are right for me.  Guide me to places where I can thrive and make real friends.  And please help me to open up and to be open to people.

Blessed Be,

Raine

January 1, 2018 Review

It’s been exactly a year since I wrote that and I still don’t have any friends in Cleveland, but I have gotten to know myself better and I have actually tried some activities.  I did go to the UU church for six weeks, but that really wasn’t for me as I didn’t feel welcome there.  But that’s okay and I’ve accepted that.  Right now, I’m going to be open to doing new things and if something pops up, that’s great, if not that’s okay too as I’ve always been good at taking care of myself and I’m happy being by myself.

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December 8, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love how this cup is drawn with the three women dancing over the cups.  It is such a happy card and I love the celebratory mood.  I still don’t like the fact that the women aren’t looking at each other.  Overall, this is a card of celebration and love.

Book:  Surrounded by those who give you happiness, appreciation for life itself, good feelings

Guidance:  Acknowledge and appreciate your loved ones, take time to celebrate, practice gratitude

Journaling

Ironic card to pull as I don’t really have any friends.  However, I’ve been paying attention and I realize that I really do shut people out.  People at work invite me to parties and get togethers and I look for ways to get out of going.  I guess it really comes down to that I don’t want a lot of friends, I want that special person in my life and I don’t know how to get there.

January 23, 2018 Review

I still don’t have a lot of friends in my life, but I’ve become a lot more comfortable in being who I am and setting boundaries.  With the insane job that I work, I have no emotional energy to have people in my life.  Okay, that really does sound lame.  I need to ask them to bring people into my life who will add value and emotional support versus being a drag.  I’m realizing that my heart really does need to function as a valve and let love both in and out.  All too often, it has been a one way pipe with love flowing out, but not much flowing in.  I need to not let too much flow out.  And that means I need to set boundaries and not always be so giving.

Another piece of this that strikes me is the part about practicing gratitude.  I’ve been making a concious effort to practice gratitude lately and write down the good things that happen each day.  I also make it a point to not write down the bad things that happen.  Every Sunday I pull cards and record what happened during the week and I realize this really helps me to let go of all the junk.

Another thing that is really helping me to let go of the junk is to transcribe my journals and look for the lessons.  This helps me to really keep what adds value and let go of all the whining and the junk.

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Ocrober 31, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Friendship and fellowship

Book:  Celebration, jubilee, merriment, people who are genuine and truly supportive

Guidance:  Rejoice and celebrate

Journaling

This card is hard for me as I really don’t have a lot of friendships to revel in.  I’m a little shy and I’m afraid of getting close to people.  I sometimes feel as if people use me and that doesn’t feel very nice.  I’m feeling that way around S.  a lot.  It feels as if when I need a reading or am buying dinner, eh has time for me, but that when I just need to talk he doesn’t.  I need to sit with this a little while, but it doesn’t feel good.

May 26, 2018 Review

I still don’t have a lot of friends, but I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin and I’m feeling more comfortable alone.  I’m also realizing that it is better to be alone than to have people in your life who use you.  I think where I’m at right now is that I just need to accept that people come into our lives for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach a lesson about who to trust and who not to trust.  S. was someone who I let in and I think that was okay as he helped me and listened when I really needed it.  My life has changed and I no longer fit into his life.  And that’s okay.  I can just let go and know that I learned from him and now it is time to move on.

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October 3, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  There are apples and berries growing on the trees.  The three girls are close together as if they are sharing secrets.  There is a tassel or a broom on the girl on the right.  This card makes me think of friendship, fulfillment, and happiness.

Book:  Celebration, jubilation, merriment, sincere allies who wish the seeker well, playful affection.

Guidance:  Draw on the energy of the earth.  Take time to enjoy friendships.

Journaling:

Ironic card to pull when I am feeling friendless and mired in loneliness.  It just hurts to think about people having friends  when I’m mired in this stupid half life where it feels my life has no joy and no meaning.  I don’t even know how to get where I want to be.  I do know that I have to set better boundaries to get out of Chicago.

December 23, 2017 Review

It’s over a year later and I still don’t have friends, but I’m realizing I crave my alone time and I’m not really ready to give that up to have friends.  I tried by joining the church, but that just all seems so fake and like the people are not very nice.  I was so hurt when I wasn’t able to make the first session and I said that I couldn’t go because my daughter had a minor car accident and no one took the time to send me a message and say I’m sorry.  I thought that was so cold and incredibly bitchy.  And now they’re calling and saying, “we don’t think you’re interested, etc., etc.”  Of course they’re right because why would I want to hang out with people who have no compassion?

 October 5, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This card always makes me think of my marriage and how my kids were collateral damage to the rage that John and I threw at each other.  I’d like to place myself in the role of the woman on the card who is he protector, but I think I hurt them just as much as he did.

Book:  Be sensitive to others during conflict.  Give up power tripping and victimization

Guidance:   Be open to forgiveness and letting go

Journaling:

Forgiveness has always been something I have railed against.  I know that the purpose of forgiveness is not to let bad behavior go, but to cut the ties and move on.  However, the Scorpio in me always wants people to pay for hurting me.  I have always been able to let go of small slights and screwups, but I’m struggling to let go of the hurt that Charlene and John inflicted upon me.  They altered the trajectory of my entire life with their cruelty and disregard and I don’t know how to let that go.  I don’t know how to not hold on to that.  However, at the same time, I realize that holding on doesn’t really serve me.  

I need to really dig in and work through Desmond Tutu’s book on forgiveness and maybe I will be able to let go of the anger I still feel toward Charlene and John.

Where I’m At:  

Weather:  It is an absolutely perfect fall day out today.  The weather has just a tiny bit of chill in the air, but the sun is shining and it is gorgeous out.

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 September 1, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Five of Thunder

First Impressions:  Walking away, olive branch, starkness

Book:  It is okay to stop and take a different path.  I honor my being by listening

Guidance:   You are more supported than you know

Journaling:

This card is a reminder than I am supported and loved and that I have people who can help me and that it is okay to walk away.  It has been amazing that since I have quit so many people have told me how appreciated I am and what good work I’ve been doing.  I’ve also had people tell me that I got treated poorly.  Feeling supported and knowing that people understand and support me, really does matter.

It also helps me to realize that it really is okay to just walk away.  I have nothing left to prove to the bird and it is okay to walk away and not look back.  I don’t need to prove B is an idiot.  I don’t need to prove I’m smarter than him.  I don’t need to prove anything.  I proved it all by leaving on my terms.  That’s all I need to do is to walk away.

Where I’m At:  I’m still super sad and super angry today.  I really feel like I was forced out and that pisses me off.  I have done a lot of good work at the Bird, but because the SteerCo is a bunch of idiots, I’m out.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day today.  Not too hot out and clear.  I should have sat outside, but I was busy trying to get my new iPad to work.

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 26% 

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:51 / 8:00

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May 6, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  There is a parrot in the hills and faces in the man’s clothes.  Walking away, secrets, smugness

Book:  Unprincipled victory, defeat, humiliation

Guidance:  Multiple voices are required for conflict

Journaling:

I have to be honest and say that the keywords describe how I feel today.  I have been fighting so hard for this project and I feel like T totally stabbed me in the back.  If it wasn’t going to work, then he should have said something.  To continue to burn hours without having a conversation is irreprehensible and irresponsible.  I personally just think he is being pissy because we refused to have anyone on his team join the SteerCo.

However, I also know that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing.  Conflict can bring to light things that need to be brought to light.  I think the real crux of this problem is that I just don’t give a rats ass anymore.  I am so ready to move on and not have to deal with all the bird drama.  However, I have one year left then I can walk away.

Where:  It was a rough day today.  We had the SteerCo and that was a total cluster.  I just feel so betrayed and as if this problem is a cluster.  However, what I am learning is that there is so much I cannot control.  I cannot control IT, I cannot control T, I cannot control the Evil M.  I can’t control any of those things.  This is like a real world example of why I need the serenity prayer.

Weather:  It was rainy and cold this morning, but it warmed up in the afternoon

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 27%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:14/8:30

—————————————————————————————————————————–March 22, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:   Sadness, listening to the raven, topping the summit

Book:  Conflict, losing a challenge, opportunities to build skills

Guidance:   Winning isn’t everything

Journaling:

I’m not sad today, just feeling overwhelmed and wondering what it all means.  Work has been super challenging this week as MEY has been a total pain in the ass.  He thinks he is in charge of the universe and is working against digital at every turn.  What I really dislike is that everyone is so negative at the place I work and there is so much infighting.  It feels as if we spend so much energy fighting with one another that there isn’t an opportunity to move things forward.  I really and truly want to move on, but I need to spend 14 more months until I am vested, then I can start looking and figure out a new place to land.  I’m going to look at this as an opportunity to build my skills in patience and in navigating bullshit.

Where: I’m on the couch hanging out with Cam and the doggos.  I feel like garbage today as my sinus infection is bad.  I’d been feeling better yesterday, but I overdid it yesterday and I’m paying for it today in exhaustion.

Weather:  It is overcast and looks like it will rain today

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 79

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:26 am / 7:41 pm

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March 4, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Depression, messages from a crow, walking away, sadness

Book:  Conflict, losing a challenge, experiencing loss, opportunity to build your skills and experience

Guidance:   Maintain your integrity

Journaling:

This is an interesting card to draw after the battle with the evil M.  I won this battle because I didn’t make it personal.  I didn’t make it about her at all.  I stuck to the topic and made my points on merit.  I have no clue why she doesn’t like me and I have no clue why she thinks she is all that.  However, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what she thinks.  I just need to maintain  my integrity and not make personal attacks on her.  That’s hard for me, but I know I need to take the high road.

The other thing I need to do is let go of my need to feed my ego.  There are days when I feel that I will disappear if people are not giving me props and recognizing me.  I really need to learn to feed my own ego and to take care of my own self-esteem.  It is not about what everyone else thinks about me.  It really needs to be about what I think of myself.  I think the question I need to ask in my Trauma Tarot this week is about how trauma has effected my self-esteem.

Where I’m At: It was a good day as the evil M shut her ugly face during a meeting about something I’m responsible for.  She always has to be snotty and undercut me, but today the c*** just shut her mouth.  However, I’m not convinced she is permanently vanquished, but it does seem that my freezer spell is working.

Weather: We woke up to snow outside today

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:56 am / 6:20 pm

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 December 30, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Grief, Lonliness, where the hell is Nephthys?

Book:  Surrender, betrayal, bullying

Guidance:  Bullying has no place

Journaling:

This is an interesting card on so many levels and I think the first question is whether I am the bully or the defeated and the truth is that sometimes I play both roles.  Sometimes I let my fear and anger get the best of me and I strike out so that I am not abused.  The question for me is where did this behavior come from?  Did it come from my childhood or my marriage?  The roots were most likely in my childhood as I saw my mother continually be a door mat to her mother.  One of the saddest moments for me was when we were at the farm and my grandmother was getting things out of the car and my mother was talking to her and my grandmother ignored my mother and looked through her like she did not exist.  That broke my heart.  I know now that my grandmother was most likely mentally ill, but at the time I just saw it as painful.

It was in my marraige that I learned to fight truly dirty.  John would say the most hateful things and would dig things up from years ago and put an ugly twist on them.  He would attack the core of my being, then afrer the fight he would expect me to let it all go because he said it in the heat of anger.  However, the truth is some things can never be unsaid or unheard and he battered my self esteem.  Unfortunately, I also battered his self esteem as I learned to give as good as I got.  I said terrible things that I regret.  At the time, I thought it was weak to walk away from someone being cruel and I thought I had to stay in the fight at all costs, but I’ve come to realize that that is not true.  I could have walked outside, gone to the mall, or done a whole lot of things to deescalate the situation. 

I have worked hard to unlearn the bullying behavior that I learned and to deescalate by walking away.  I’m not always perfect about it with Sean and Cam, but I am better and our arguments are really arguments and not fights.  Usually, when I argue with one of the kids, we will say our piece, retreat, and one of us will come and apologize and we will talk it out.  We also stick to the facts and not past crimes or personality flaws.

For me, this card also speaks to overwhelming grief and taking care of one another.  Isis was laid low by the death of her husband and she cried tears of rage and grief; but she had her sister at her side to hold her and comfort her.  Nephthys has always been there to hold and comfort me.  She is my primary Goddess and she stands by Isis’ side as she mourns her beloved.  

I’m realizing as I look at this card that Nephthys is and always has been my calling.  She is the Goddess of Mourning and I’m feeling my calling more and more is to work with those who are grieving.  It will be interesting to see what happens next.

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October 8, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Protecting someone, nastiness

Book:  Boy becomes a pawn in a much bigger game

Guidance:  Be sensitive to others during conflict

Journaling

This card is so true today, but Sean is a grownup and I cannot protect him from his crappy father who takes so much advantage of him and who acts like he is super dad.  The jackass actually wrote me today and said he was just getting Sean a gift card and not engaging in my petty drama.  He doesn’t get how he caused the situation with his horrible behavior, by taking advantage of Sean’s sweet heart, and using him.  However, I also have to own my share of the drama and I do behave like a baby.  I need to just stay out of Sean’s relationship with his dad.  He is starting to see the light about what a stinkhole (Clark’s words) he is, but the more I throw a fit and remind Sean how horrible he is, the more I push Sean away.

It is so hard because John is the most abusive person I’ve ever met and he plays head games to guilt people into doing what he wants and taking care of him.  He has never wanted to work for a living and he truly believes that the world owes him a living.  However, there is nothing that I can do about him except refuse to play his games and refuse to get sucked into his drama.  I was so proud of myself for not responding and just deleting the emails.  I have learned that sometimes the only thing you can do when someone is pushing your buttons is to not respond and to not let them know they’ve gotten under your skin.

It’s been a hard week for me as last week I got Charlene’s letter and now I hear from John.  I’m not sure what is going on, but I just need to let go and let god and trust that it is all going to work out.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the good sessions

I’m grateful for the support from T & J

I’m grateful for a good call with M.

I’m grateful for the yummy dinner

I’m grateful for the peaceful evening

I’m grateful for not responding to jacka**

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Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Vanquishing the enemy, pounding someone into the cement, victory at all costs

Book:  Hopes have been shattered, ambitions crushed, vulnerabilities exploited by others, pain can be a catalyst for growth,

Guidance:  Ask yourself how you got here, search for the lessons

Journaling

My guides called me to commit to my job, to the World Spirit Tarot, and to myself.  They can be harsh taskmasters as they are reminding me that this commitment does not only mean sharing the good things I learn about myself, it also means committing to sharing the things that put me in a negative light.  The things that reveal my pettiness and my imperfections.  The things I would rather hide than let see the light of day.  However, I have been on this journey long enough to know that the only way to move forward is to be unflinchingly honest with myself and with others so that others might learn and grow from my foibles and mistakes.

I asked my son about his father last night and he told me that I was obsessed.  Needless to say I took umbrage with that, but I realized today that there is a kernel of truth in that statement as I am obsessed with seeing him fail.  He hurt me so badly that I want to crush him under a stiletto heel until he begs for mercy.  In short, I want to be the victor in the Five of Swords.  Although the World Spirit Five of Swords does not show the victor as smug as some other versions do, there is the same sense there of vanquishing the enemy and leaving no room for compromise.  It is showing no mercy, it is crushing his bones and sucking out the marrow.  And deep in my heart of hearts, that’s what I want to do.  I have no mercy for him because he showed me none.  I know all about his hard childhood, but I don’t care.  He hurt me and I want to destroy him.

Today I realized that I feel like he out “bad assed” me and I don’t like it one bit.  I picked up and moved with my kids, but I had a steady job, the kids helped me move, I had a driver’s license, etc.  He picked up and moved by himself to a place he’d never been before and with no driver’s license.  We thought he was crazy, but he managed to buy a house and get his license and he seems to be making a go of it.  And when I am truly honest with myself, that bugs the hell out of me.  I’m supposed to be the most bad ass one around and he did something way harder and it bugs me.  I know that there is enough good stuff to go around, but my petty little mind does think there is enough badassery to go around it bugs me that he got a piece of it.

One of the best lessons I learned in Al Anon was the “3 A’s” which are awareness, acceptance, and action.  I’ve become aware of my tendency to want to crush John and I’m working toward accepting and owning this behavior.  The next step will be determining what action to take.  I will continue doing my loving kindness meditation for John, but I don’t know what other actions I’ll take and that’s okay as sometimes you just need to sit with something until the next cairn appears.

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November 16, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Gloating

Book:  Warrior stands victorious, Cost of Winning was not worth it

Guidance:  Determine what was lost and what was gained.  Was it worth it?  More conciliatory approach

Journaling

Interesting reading on this card.  For me this read is about winning at all costs.  I love to be right and it sometimes leads me down bad path.  My gloating over losing Hood because we chose not to include OCM in the proposal was not good.  I need to accept that the person who chose that was an idiot.

November 20, 2017 Revisit

It’s nice to be able to remind myself to take a step back.  I’ve become so much better at self regulation.

October 30, 2018 Revisit

This is still something that I need to work on.  I’ve realized that one of the things I really need to work on is letting go of both winning and losing.  Gloating isn’t good, but moping when I lose isn’t good either.  I think that kids who participate in sports have an easier time of this because you need to shake it off and move to the next thing.  I was thinking about this when I was watching a hockey game with the kids.  If the other team gets a goal, you can’t sit and mope over it.  You have to shake it off or you will never recover.

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April 10, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Surrender, walking away

Book:  Empty victory, dejected and despondent, see the sun as optimistic

Guidance:  Acknowledge lessons learned, love yourself and others.  Be grateful for the lessons learned

Affirmation:  I learn the lessons of the past

Journaling

I embrace the lessons of the past without getting bogged down in the details.  I’ve been hurt by people in the past, but that doesn’t mean I get to hurt others.  It really bothers me that my mother  Charlene is still salking my family.  I’m just glad that Sean is smart enough to not friend her.  Hopefully having her permantly on the request list will keep her inappropriate behavior at bay.  I mean honestly, how stupid is it to have a personal conversation in public.

April 16, 2016 Revisit

It doesn’t matter.  Her posting stupid shit is about her and not me.

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October 29, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions: Burdens falling away

Book:  Ending a toxic situation, Contrition, walking away and accepting a minor defeat, work through your emotions

Guidance:  Feel your feelings of loss, bury the hatchet

Journaling

I’ve spent some time reflecting on this card and I’m still not sure how to read it.  One possible reading is that I am taking responsibility for where I am in life and that means doing the right thing and that I am facing things head on versus running from them.  The other potential reading that struck me is that I m ending a toxic situation and that’s true.  I’m choosing to move forward and live my life instead of waiting for what might never happen.

May 25, 2018 Revisit

Interesting that I pulled this card shortly before my 50th birthday when the final ending of the toxic situation came about.  Although there is a small part of me that keeps thinking (wishing) that things would /could be different with the bitch, I know that that will never happen.  For one thing, I have accepted that she can never be the mother than anyone deserves.  I’ve also accepted that all the bullshit she spews is about her and not about me.  That’s so important for me to know, because I always tend to blame myself and assume that I did something wrong.  However, in this instance, I didn’t do anything wrong.  She was, and is, incapable of being a mother and incapable of taking responsibility for her actions.

This situation has been mirrored at work lately with someone who is incapable of taking ownership of anything.  I did my best and then some to help him, but he continued to be/act clueless.  At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do to help someone like that and he needs to own his actions.  That’s hard for me though because I am a compassionate person and because I don’t want to be blamed for things not going well.  I guess at the end of the day, I have to take the risk of things not going well because I cannot do it all.

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October 7, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:  The warrior in this card is looking straight ahead.  He seems neither defeated nor smug, he just is.  The people in the background look as if they are looking for mercy.  Although the grass is green, the trees are leafless.  Looking at the people in the back, I see defeat and exhaustion.

Book:  Defeat, blame, unfair advantages, spitefulness, using more force than required, energy/power imbalance

Guidance:  Be gracious, do not exclude, do not bully, let go, do not be an energy vampire

Journaling

This card was so where I was at today.  Meg continues to work to sell me to Gateway even though I’ve told her the deliverables will be done, but she keeps demanding that I give her additional deliverables.  I’m not sure how else to say the work is done.  I’m just ready to be done with this project and being in Chicago is totally stressing me out.  I do not know how to say I do not want to be here and keep my job.

What I really want is to be in someone’s arms and to be loved, but in order to do that I have to have more stability in my life.

December 23, 2017 Revisit

It’s interesting to look back at where I was over a year ago.  I think what truly annoyed me about the situation a year ago is that I wanted to be in the SAP space and do OCM on SAP projects, but I kept getting blocked from doing that.  Meg and Jessica wanted to keep me at Gateway.  Maybe I need to just be grateful that I had a job at that point in time and that I was employed.

I’m also realizing that it wasn’t the job that was getting to me, it was being in Chicago.  Since I have made the decision to quit living with one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland, I’m much happier.  I’m being forced to create and define a life here instead of running back to Chicago to be nurtured and nourished.  It is also helping me to cut unhealthy ties as it is way easier to not be all swirly about John and what he’s doing and to not be so tied to someone who isn’t right for me no matter how much I want him to be.

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May 12, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Five of Air pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Control issues, no clear leader, too many chiefs, not enough space /territory, inability to resolve conflict peacefully, trapped by convention, herd mentality

Book:  Being involved in a tug of war, investigation of negative words and habits, lost in negative self talk

Journaling

Very interesting card to come up today as it is about turf.  That this card came up with Corie as she is being asked to do things that are OCM and that is really my area of expertise.  I’m feeling as if I don’t know where my place is and I am struggling.  I’ve also been opening old doors and I’m realizing that it may be time to close the doors to the past completely.  I need to let go of X and I have to close that door.  I keep leaving it open, but he isn’t right for me unless he has grown and evolved.  I’m not the same lost sheep I was and I don’t know if he can accept who I am.-

n Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 77%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:26/7:02

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 October 4, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this image as it looks like the person is throwing the flowers up to see where they will land.

Book:  I am open to receiving positive experiences and I am worthy of good fortune.

Guidance:   Follow your heart and the universe will provide.

Journaling:

I love this card and the meaning of it.  For me it is about opening up and being willing to receive.  There are so many days where it feels like I deliberately choose scarcity and close myself off from receiving.  However, if I open myself up and let love in.  Love will come to me.  It may not come in the shape or form that I think it should, but it will come to me.  

One of the messages I received the other day is that there is enough good stuff even for the annoying people.  I think I was pissed off because M got a promotion.  However, then I sat back for a minute and reminded myself that her receiving good stuff doesn’t mean there is nothing good left for me.  The world does not work that way.  However, we are so conditioned to believe in scarcity that we don’t open ourselves to accept all the good stuff he world has to offer.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today.  I actually got an amazing night’s sleep.  It felt so good to sleep deeply.

Weather:  The weather was beautiful today.  It was crisp, but not cold and it was sunny all day long.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 77%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:25/7:04 

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July 5, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Chance

First Impressions:  This card is interesting as she has flames coming out of her crown and she is standing right by the sea.  Fire and the ocean are two of the most unpredictable natural events.  She also has her hand over an orb

Book:  Opportunity, shifting of perspective, gifts, abundance, growth

Guidance:   Act through love and kindness during these trials, tribulations, and times of triumph

Journaling:

The message on this card is hard because it is hard to act with love and kindness with all the awfulness in the world.  It feels like Trump unleased so much hate and he isn’t willing to put the genie back in the bottle.  The messages that the senator from IL got over his willingness to serve on the Jan 6 committee were horrendous.  How is someone a traitor for waiting to uncover the truth?  I don’t understand there being so much hate in this world.  I have always believed that love trumped hate, but there have been a lot of days lately where I don’t believe that anymore.  

What I don’t right now is if I should continue to fight and work for a better world or opt out and  move somwhere where we can just hang out and go to the grocery store occasionally.  

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today hanging with the dogs.  Clark is sniffing around looking for food on the floor and Wendy is sitting there looking hurt because I refused to let her sit on top of me.

Weather:  It wasn’t horrible out today.  I went out a couple of times and it was not so ungodly hot that I couldn’t breathe.  Unfortunately, I was busy all day so couldn’t take Wendy out to sit in the sun.  And she doesn’t like to sit outside when the sun has gone down and it is starting to get chilly.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 34%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 / 9:04

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April 26, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Turning the wheel, time passing by, the world going on

Book:  Fortune, chance, cycles of good luck, alignment, wonderment

Guidance:  All events happen at their proper time

Journaling:

I love the saying that all events happen in their proper time.  That is such a good reminder for me because I always want to rush things.  Knowing that they happen when they are supposed to is a reminder to have patience.  It is interesting when I think about people happening at the proper time helps me to realize I don’t need all the answers.

Where:  I spent the morning working on my paper, then the kids and I went to the zoo.  And I finished and submitted my paper at the end of the day.

Weather:  It is chilly out today, but not too horrible,  It was warm enough for me to walk around in just my WMU jacket.

Moon Phase:   Waning Crescent, 21%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:26 am / 8:20 pm

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March 21, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Buffeted by winds of change, balancing, staying focused in a changing world

Book:  Fate, destiny, cycling through karmic cycles, surrendering to what is and what will be

Guidance:   Know that something wonderful is on the way

Journaling:

One of the lessons that I have learned over the last few years is that I need to stay very focused and grounded in my own life and I cannot worry too much about what is going on in the world around me.  When I say, I can’t be happy because of what is going on in the Ukraine, I through myself off balance.  I can feel for the people in Ukraine, I can do my part to help, but my being sad does not help them at all.  It is the same with what is going on in the United States, I need to do my part and let go.  I cannot save the world.  I also have to let go of trying to make the world easier for everyone else.  I can help people and give guidance, but I need to let people learn to stand on their own two feet.

That is a very heard lesson for me, especially with my kids as I want to help them and do things for them.  However, at the end of the day they need to live their own lives and I can only do so much to help them.  Sometimes my offering to help is actually hurtful as it keeps them from learning from failures.

Where: I’m at home this week and taking a break from work to do some journaling and am trying to find something to eat for lunch.  We may end up ordering tonight because it is going to be a long night.

Weather:  It is one of those crisp and cool spring days where you start to feel the possibility of warmth in the air.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 88 percent

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:28 am / 7:40 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  What goes up, must come down

Book:  Fullness of complexity and life

Guidance: flow with the turning of the wheel

Journaling

As I read this, all I can think of is that this is another version of surrendering. Surrendering and trusting that life will flow as it is meant to flow.  That is such a difficult lesson sometimes as I love to control things, but the lesson I have received so many times in so many different ways over the course of the past few months is to just surrender.  All I can do is show up and do the work that is on my plate and follow the clues of my life the best that I can.  I cannot control all of the outcomes.  It’s interesting as I reflect on my life is that this is a lesson that seems to come up again and again and again.  All I can do is do the work, I cannot control what happens.  I like to control what happens and I want to do my best, but at the end of the day there are so many things that are outside of my control.

I used to buy into the belief that I had total control over my life and that if I put the right energy out there, I would get what I wanted.  However, I learned that there is a dark side to that lesson and that if that is the way that life works, then if life does not go my way, I just somehow be at fault.  That is demoralizing thinking and all it does is make people want to give up.  I believe, just as I believed way back in eighth grade when I wrote a paper on the topic, that life is a combination of destiny and free will.  We are presented with certain situations and the decisions we make drive the outcomes of those decisions.  To some that might sound like we are in control of our destiny, but we’re not because the situations that come our way are outside of our control.  All we can do is control our reactions and our decisions.  In some ways that makes makes life a lot harder because it means that I can’t wrap myself in a bubble and control every aspect of my life.  All I can do is control my actions.  I can control whether or not I get my school work done, but I can’t necessarily control which opportunities come my way as a result of school.

All I can do is do the best I can to move forward and that means accepting that sometimes I will be pushed off into the deep end, but that if I accept, surrender, and do my part, I will come back out into the light, but it might not be where I was expecting to come out.

August 3, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: 
Book:  Everything on earth moves in cycles, the only promise is change

Guidance:  Stay open to the experience even when things turn for the worse, remember that even the wheel of change has a small spot of quiet in the center
Journaling

The reminder to stay centered even when the world is spinning around is incredibly helpful as I often let myself get carried away by the change. I think this card resonates with me today because I am really feeling the change of the seasons as the flowers are wild and crazy, the vegetables are laden down with the heavy fruits of the season, and there is just a hint of chill in the air.  This beautiful blue orb we call home orbits around the sun and we orbit with it.  There are days when it is warm and beautiful and times when it is dark and cold.  This is so clearly a time of transition and I feel it so strongly this year in the world and in my personal life as it feels like life is rotating up.

However, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned from being a citizen on this beautiful planet for over 50 years is that things are always changing and that sometimes all we can control is our reaction.  I used to buy into the theory that I was solely responsible for creating my own reality, however, I’ve realized that is just not true and that there is so much that happens that I can control.  However, what I can always control is my attitude and how I respond to a situation.  I also realize that there are certain circumstances where the appropriate response is to throw oneself on the bed and cry until there are no more tears.  However, even in those situations, there will come a time when the appropriate response is to pick myself up, dust myself off, and figure out a way to go on. 

Gratitudes:

I’m grateful for Scott’s email

I’m grateful for walking at the park with Cam and the dogs

I’m grateful for the helpful guy at the Valvoline

I’m grateful for the yummy smoothie

I’m grateful for Wendy wanting to snuggle

I’m grateful my book’s were ready

I’m grateful for clean clothes

I’m grateful my air filter came

I’m grateful I got my car cleaned out

I’m grateful for the peace in the house

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November 15, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Chance

Book: Sun=Mind, we can view things as we like

Guidance: We need to remember that life is a full cycle, if we are centered, we are not at wheel’s mercy, do not neglect responsibilities

Journaling

I usually like the readings in this book, but I do not like this one.  I don’t believe it is true that for every event we can view it as a blessing or tragic.  Some events are tragic and wrong no matter what.  What happened to my daughter was tragic and wrong and there is no blessing there.  She may learn from it and blessings may occur because of it, but that does not mean the event was a blessing.  Everything is also not a choice.  Yes she placed herself in that situation, but his choices led to the situation.

November 20, 2017

I have to step back over my rage on this one and do a reset.  I know this card is about the ups and downs in life and there are times in life where life is going good and life is awesome and other times when life sucks.  The key is to remember that this too shall pass.  If things are going well, it will pass and if things are going poorly it will pass.

October 30, 2018

The wheel of fortune is still not my favorite card because I don’t like the fact that there are things that are outside of my control.  However, I know that this is true and I also do realize that the closer I stay to center, the less I will be buffeted by the turning of the wheel.

December 28, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions;  Changes, endings, and beginnings

Book:  Life is full of cycles, events being good or bad based on ow we view them, destiny, life, death and rebirth

Guidance:  Be centered and secure, recognize the effect the past has on the present

Journaling

Interesting card considering the exercise I’m planning.  I want to go through key touch points in my life and pull a card to give advice to my younger self.  I’m a little hesitant, but it’s something I feel called to do.  I want to make peace with my past so I can let it go and move on.  I feel like I have grown and changed so much and I’m ready to dig in some pieces of my past that are painful.  I think the seeds of my present are there and I need to make piece with who I was. 

Writing the letters was amazingly powerful.  All the cards were dead on.  The one I struggled with was eight of pentacles, but I finally realized that it was about focusing on work and not forming attachments.  Pretty spot on.

July 1, 2018

The exercise of pulling cards for pieces of my life is still one of the most powerful Tarot exercises I have ever done.  To actually look at and address the painful pieces of my life and speak to who I was.  Although, I cannot change the past, looking back with compassion and acknowledging my pain was incredibly powerful and was really healing.

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October 3, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card and how she is looking toward the horizon.  I also like that she is standing on a bay or an inlet and not directly on the water.

Book:  I create space as expansive as the horizon, so that my decisions are met with the grace they deserve.

Guidance:   Take a step back and look at the wider picture.

Journaling:

I love this card and the call to listen to my heart.  I spend so much time listening to my head and being practical, that I don’t listen to my heart and what it wants.  My heart wants to pursue a PhD.  I love research and going deep within a topic to find answers.  I love taking obscure pieces of information and putting them together.  That is where my heart is at.  I also love mentoring people and helping them learn how to do new things.  At its heart, that is where I want to be.  I want to be guiding and nurturing people and helping them find their true north.

My next step is to reach out to Dr. Perkins and see what is possible at WMU.  Once I have that answer, the next steps will unveil themselves.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and I deliberately did not go anywhere.  I am really working on not going someplace every day.  It is just too easy to run to the store to get something and I don’t need to do that.  We have plenty of food to eat here.  I don’t need to keep running out to get something.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out.  It was slightly chilly, but sunny.  Funny thing is that I wanted to sit outside after work, but it was too cold for Wendy.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 67%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:23/ 7:06

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July 22, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Fireworks, magick, mountains, happiness

Book:  Success, Recognition, Innovation, Contribution, Trailblazer

Guidance:   Now may be a time of big ideas for you, signaling a vision unseen by others

Journaling:

I really love that this may be a time of big ideas for me.  I’m working on my research for my dissertation and it really seems to be flowing.  I am just hopeful that in the next month or so that I will hear from WMU that they are reopening the interdisciplinary PhD program.

Where I’m At:  I was at the Cleveland plant today then I had my interview with PPL Corporation.  Seems like an interesting job, but I’m not sure if I will take it if it is offered.  I’m going to have to see what happens.

Weather:  It was hot today, but it has cooled down a little (7:00 pm) and it was nice enough to sit outside with the dogs.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 32%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:10 / 8:55

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 June 29, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess

First Impressions:  Firecrackers, dancing, energized

Book:  Success, Recognition, Innovation, Contribution, Trailblazer

Guidance:   Believe in what you feel called to and others will believe as well

Journaling:

This is an interesting card about seeing where I’m going and people following me.  I had a good conversation with J. at work today and one of our leaders asked what we were going to do about Roe V. Wade being overturned and the emotional impact.  We also talked about terror and trauma.  I felt listened to and heard and that was a good feeling.  I also don’t know where I’m going from here.  I still feel raw and my emotions are still all over the place, but I do feel as if I was heard.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and it was a very productive day.  I got a lot done and now I’m hanging out with the monsters.

Weather: It is beautiful outside.  It is a little chilly and even the Great American Grem did not want to sit outside, but that’s okay. 

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:53 / 9:05

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March 2, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Happiness, Joy, contemplating adventure, looking toward the future, age doesn’t matter

Book:  Energy manifesting, waiting to see the results of your efforts, opportunities, moving in the right direction

Guidance:   You are headed in the right direction

Journaling:

The gray hair tells me that this woman is mature and that she knows when to bide her time and when to jump in.  She isn’t just standing there because she is afraid or she doesn’t know what she is doing, she is standing there because she knows the time is not quite right.

I really like this card because sometimes I think that being patient is a waste of time, but this card is telling me that I am right to wait and not rush into anything.  I don’t do well at waiting things out and biding my time as I want to leap to something new as soon as I am uncomfortable, but this card is telling me to wait.  It’s also telling me that good things are on my horizon.

Where I’m At: Tonight was a bad night as Clark and Wendy got into it again and I ended up having to take her to the emergency vet.  They gave her antibiotics and pain meds.  Sean got pissy about going with me, but I needed him to lift the baby.

Weather: It’s cold and crisp

Moon Phase:  New Moon 0%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:59 am / 6:18 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:   Waiting, Patience

Book:  Watching her progeny’s ship come in

Guidance:  Visionary Leadership will see a project flourish

Journaling

Reading Lisa’s description of this card and how it reminded her of her mother’s love is really difficult for me as I am coming to realize that I never truly had my mother’s love.  She loved the idea of me, but she didn’t really love me.  I was difficult, outspoken, and prickly and that wasn’t someone she wanted to deal with.  I’m writing a paper about addiction and shame and I’m realizing that I was shamed from the moment I was born.  I was always too loud, not demure enough, too smart, too bookish, or too something else.  My grandmother flat out told me that I was stuck up and my mother treated me as I wasn’t who she wanted as a daughter.  She wanted someone who would have been content to be a MRS and that was not me.  I always wanted more out of life.  I wanted to use my brain and I wanted to change the world.  I had not desire to be the demure little wife.  I’m also starting to realize how complicit my father was in this as he taught me that elders deserved respect no matter what and that women were to be subservient to men.  Hell, he left churches when they got women minsters because the bible said that women should not lead men. 

I’m realizing that I’ve spent my life swimming in shame after constantly being told that I wasn’t good enough, that I was was bad to my very core.  However, this card is only about Charlene if I choose to let it be about Charlene.  I can choose to let her pilot my life or I can choose to pilot my own life and I’m going to choose to pilot my own life.  I get to decide where  I’m going and I’m going to figure out a way to have the life that I want to have.  I’m not exactly sure yet what that looks like, but I will figure it out.

December 23, 2017

Three of Fire Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  The first impression I get in looking at this card is that the three little beasts are waiting for Circe to fall off the hill.  I believe that she is stirring up some kind of medical or magical potion and she needs to wait until it is perfect.

Book:  Ideas have a life of their own, Goddess credited with the invention of Magick, Transformation, Lack of jealousy

Guidance:  Your creative ability is high, permanence is an illusion as everything changes, mix up things in your life, changing your appearance or your home is not a superficial act.

Journaling:

I needed this reminder that nothing is permanent.  I get so caught up in wanting some things to remain the same that I forget how boring that can make life.  Life truly is a journey and there is always something new to discover.  What I am struggling with is reconciling the fact that nothing is permanent with my need for stability.  How can I create a stable life when there truly is impermanence?

I think it comes down to building a financial foundation and a home and then going with the flow.  It’s interesting as I groaned when I pulled this card and I wanted to put it back and I did.  I then pulled the witch of fire, but my conscious wouldn’t let me cheat so I decided to keep the card that I originally pulled, although I did look at the reading for the Witch of Fire (Cerridwin).  Cerridwin has a meaning that is complimentary to this one:  Use an established framework or structure to keep your energy focused.  What an amazing confirmation.

December 30, 2017

Wow!  It always amazes me how the cards provide the lessons that I need and the confirmation, when necessary.  I think the answer is to create a stable structure and create the magic within the structure.  For me right now that means working on paying off my credit cards and my bills so that I have more flexibility financially.  It also means going back to shopping at Aldi for whatever I can get there so I can cut my grocery budget.  Not a big deal as I always went to Aldi when we lived in Chicago, I just got out of the habit.

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August 26, 2017

Three of Fire Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Three of Fire

First Impressions:  This card always seems to me as if the three little creatures are waiting for her to come down from the rock.  Circe seems to be stirring up some magic in her pot.  Overall, this card gives off a vibe of waiting.

Book:  Ideas have a life of their own, Knowing lore of all places, Friend of the witches, creative ability is high.

Guidance:  Make the most of your creativity, express it, embrace change, mix up things in your life, change up your house

Journaling

Interesting that I pulled this card as I am embracing change and changing my personal space.  I’m also cleaning out and getting rid of things that no longer serve me.  This is a time of transformation and I feel the energy of change flowing. 

Despite all the nastiness in the government, I feel good changes are afoot and it is time to embrace my creative side.

December 18, 2017

I love the thought that ideas have a life of their own and that we can manifest ourselves.

December 27, 2017

One of the things I’ve realized with this round of cleansing and getting rid of is that I don’t have to purge everything at once.  I can take my time and genuinely evaluate what serves me before I just get rid of it all.  I’ve decided I’m going to take the next year to work through the books on my bookshelf in the wood room and I’m going to either keep them permanently, keep them as I haven’t read them yet, or get rid of them.  I don’t have to make a decision today.  In the past, I always thought that if I made a decision, I had to implement it right away, but I’ve realized that’s not true.  I can take time to evaluate and gently get rid of things instead of rushing to get rid of them.  Doing things this way brings me peace instead of frustration
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May 1, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  Three of Fire

First Impressions:  I love this card as she dances with the fire orbs.  One of the things I love most about her is that she is not a size 2.  She looks like a real woman who is happy, excited, and her own person.  I feel passion, happiness, and self-control in this card.  The three words I get are being, doing, dancing.  I love this card as it is so full of expression and passion.  This card is about passion, controlling the flames, happiness, self control, and dancing.    When I look at this card, I think about being joyous, it is about being comfortable in my own skin.  I am a woman who knows what she wants.

Book:  Blazing with personal power and passion.  On fire with the joy of creativity, sexuality, and self empowerment.  Life is flowing and nothing can hold you back.  Be proud of all you are and all that you have accomplished.

Guidance:  Be on fire with creativity, sexuality, and self empowerment.  Don’t let anything hold you back.  Be proud of who you are and what you can and have accomplished.  Be open to wherever life takes you.

Journaling:

Dancing, being joyous, comfortable in my own skin.  I am a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it.  What a wonderful card to draw for Beltane, the first fire festival.  I did feel comfortable in my own skin today.  I was happy being at home and I felt as if life was truly flowing.  I choose to express myself joyously and wonderfully.

January 2, 2018

I love this card!  It is one of my all time favorite tarot cards as she has such beauty and exuberance.  This card makes me think about picking myself up and doing what needs to be done as I face life head on.

February 4, 2018

I’ve decided that this card is my talisman for the year.  I love how she is big and bold and not afraid to be who she is.  I sometimes feel so mousy and as if I am invisible to everyone.  Sometimes it feels as if I tried so hard to be pretty and noticed, but no one noticed me so I’ve gone back to being in the background and in the shadows.

However, the truth of the matter is that no matter how I dress, I do like to be invisible.  Being visible means i have to interact with people and I have to have conversations.  Those things are really uncomfortable for me.  I’m already trying to figure out how to get out of going to the Tarot Conference and at the end of the day it is fear that has me making up excuses.  There is no real reason that I have for not going.  I’m just afraid of interacting with people.  I’m afraid that people won’t like me.  I’m afraid that people will make fun of me. 

Raine–You will be taken care of and you will be loved.  Just trust.  It is all going to be wonderful.

October 2, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Thunder

First Impressions:  the figure on this card is both supported by and attacked by the lightening.  Unlike the more traditional card, in this card the lightening is coming from all directions.

Book:  I heal and remember my resilience.  I meet myself on the other side of the cocoon.

Guidance:   Believe in yourself and learn from the past

Journaling:

I love this reminder to believe in myself and to learn from the lessons of the past.  My dark moods have become so much more infrequent since I left John, but they still pop up every once in awhile.  I also still have suicidal thoughts every so often, but I know now that those thoughts will pass and there really isn’t anything in my world that is so bad that it isn’t worth being here.  There may come a time if I get terminal cancer or something, but right now, life is good and it really is worth living.

It is amazing to realize how happy I am even though I am single and don’t have someone in my life.  I’m honestly happy and content with my life.  I do hope that the kids find happiness as well.  I really help that I will be able to help them purchase homes and live independent lives.  There is a part of me that feels like I am being selfish because I really like having them live with me.  I think there is  a part of me that still feels unloved and that feels like if I am alone, that will mean I really am unlovable.  I’m also on the fence about whether or not I want a relationship.  I really really really like my alone time.

Where I’m At:  We had an amazing day as we took the doggos to the City Dogs reunion, then ordered Mexican.  It was so much fun to go to the reunion and see all the dogs and people.  I also enjoyed talking to Beth in her dog costume.

Weather:  It is windy and cold out, but that did not deter us from going outside.

Moon Phase:  First Quarter 56%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:22 / 7:27

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 May 23, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  The positioning on this card is different than in most ten of swords as he is laying horizontally and with his face visible.  Additionally, each of the swords has a naked man on it.

Book: Collective defeat, forced rest, exaggeration

Guidance: Your problems have your name on them

Journaling:

The message that I am getting loud and clear is that my physical problems, the exhaustion and the aches and pain, are my own doing.  I eat crap, drink too much soda, then expect to feel good.  It doesn’t work that way.  I have to start putting good stuff into my body so that I start feeling good.  I’ve made a decision that I am going to quit soda on Friday.  I will have a three day weekend so that should let me get over most of the icky side effects before I have to go back to work.  I know it is going to be hard, but I’m also going to start looking at it as a financial issue.  If I drink 4 sodas a day, that is between $6 and $10 per day on Soda.  That’s a heck of a lot of money.  If I quit the soda, I could put $300 into my house every month.  

I also need to start exercising and I’ve decided to go back to the YesFit as I really do get motivated by earning medals.  Those are super small things, but they are things that I can do to get healthy.

Where:  I had to go into the office today and I honestly got a lot done.  It was kind of nice to be in a quiet place where I didn’t have a lot of my crap around.  I’m home now and hanging with Clark on the couch.  The problem is that I am positively exhausted.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out today.  It wasn’t too cold, but not too hot either.  I also made an effort to walk around the building and get some steps in.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 42%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:58 am / 8:47 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Being face up and facing the swords instead of being face down

Book:  Collective defeat, forced rest, exaggeration

Guidance:  Your problems have your name on them

Journaling:

I like the thought of my problems having my name on them because if they have my name on them, that means that I can save them.  I think one of the hardest things lately is figuring out what I can solve, what I can only react to and what is completely out of my hands.  I cannot change the N and this N nice stuff is just crap.  People get away with all kinds of crap and no one is allowed to talk back because that would not be nice.  

The problem is that I get sucked into the darkness because I don’t know how to not be an ass so that I can fight back.  I just don’t know how to not be the same kind of backstabber as everyone else.  It seems that nice people get eaten alive.  And I have to be honest and say that I even suspect some of the nice people because everyone is so horrible.  I’m not sure what the lesson for me is, but I am going to continue to reflect and meditate and figure out my next steps.

Where: I’m sitting at home with the kiddos and dogs.

Weather: It’s cold out today and actually snowed

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 96

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:39am / 8:11 pm

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April 3, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, stabbed in the back, in pain, desolate

Book:  Painful endings, crisis, stabbed in the back, devastating loss, opportunity to find hope

Guidance:  Give yourself space to heal from trauma

Journaling:

Space and time to heal is so important and I don’t think we pay enough attention to that.  We live in a 24/7 world where we just want to move on from everything and make things better right away, but it doesn’t work like that.  I remember when I was first separated and B. was telling me to get over it, but he had no idea of the depth of the damage to my soul.  John’s humiliation had broken me and I had no idea how to move on.  the ironic part in hindsight is that I have always been strong enough to support myself and take care of myself, I just didn’t know it.

The question I’m asking myself now is whether I am strong enough to let someone into my life.  I feel like I still have so many barriers up and I honestly don’t know whether I can let myself be vulnerable.  It is so much easier and less complicated to just be my self and not worry about another person’s wants or needs.

Where: I’m at home on a Sunday morning with the doggos

Weather: It snowed overnight.  I wish it would just get to be spring already

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 5%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:03 am / 7:56 pm

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First Impressions:  Stabbed in the back

Book:  Drowning in despair

Guidance:  Rise above the victim mentality, trust the universe to support you

Journaling

Today was a really rotten day as we were all emotionally prepped to go to trial and we found out that we’re not going because of other trials.  I feel as if Cam was totally stabbed in the back as if she was betrayed by the very justice system that swore to protect her.  I know that in reality this was nothing personal and that is just out the overburdened court system works, but it still feels very very personal.  It’s almost as if the court system has no clue as to how difficult it is for crime victims and how dealing with delays just makes it worse. 

The problem with where I’m at right now is that I am so stressed out and overwhelmed that I can’t trust the universe to do the right thing and it is very hard to trust anyone

Gratitudes

I’m grateful I was home with Cam when we found out about the trial
I’m grateful that I didn’t send the really nasty email
I’m grateful that we made up and didn’t let this rupture us permanently
I’m grateful that I have Thursday and Friday off

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July 11, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions;  Eviscerated, Isis calling for mercy

Book:  Ruin

Guidance:  Come to terms with reality, surrender and welcome the opportunity to move on

Journaling

Interesting card to reflect on today.  It was an absolutely brutal week at work as it felt like everything that could go wrong did.  Everyone seems to be fighting and nothing seems to be going right.  We’re struggling with the blueprint and don’t have half the work done that we need to get done.  In so many ways, it feels like a perfect shit storm, which is what Mercury Retrograde usually entails.  To top it all off, I’m getting sick and it feels as if I’m never going to be able to breathe again.  I feel as if I’m drowning in grief again, but I don’t know why as nothing has occurred that I’m letting go of.

The message I’m getting loud and clear with this card even though it doesn’t make perfect sense is to go inward and reflect upon where I am and what I want to do with my life.  I’ve been living a very outward focused life lately and haven’t made time to turn inward and to meditate and reflect on what is important to me.  I’ve been focused on changing the world, but haven’t spent time on me.  I’ve been eating poorly, not exercising, and not spending time outdoors.  I’ve let myself get caught up in the brain and not the spirit.  That is my reality right now and it is time I let go of the pleasures of the brain and make time for the pleasures of the spirit.  It is time to do something fun, to walk in nature, and to let the warm sun caress my face.

Surrender is such a hard word because on the surface it means giving up, but in reality it can mean giving up the burdens and giving up the things that we think are important to focus on the things that are really important.  So the trick for me is figuring out what is really important versus what I think is important.  I know that family is important, time for myself is important, but what isn’t important?  Work is important only in the sense that it pays the bills, but I can’t let go of it until I have something else to pay the bills and I don’t know what that is.  I think I just have to pray and open myself up to listening to the answers.

January 14, 2022 Revisit

Surrender is still a hard word for me, but I am learning to accept that there are things I just have to turn over and surrender to deity.  It doesn’t mean I have to like it, but sometimes I just have to do it.  Interesting as I was writing these words, I got the message that surrendering things that are bothering us or that we cannot control means that we free up space in our lives for things that do move us forward and do add value to our lives.  This makes me wonder if I need to let go of my anger toward people and work and space will be freed up for things that do matter.  Although I do believe that magick and a freezing spell do work on other people, I also believe that these spells work on my own mind because they are another way of turning things over.  

Gratitudes

My flight was on time

Culver’s

Walking to lunch

Driving the funky little VW Bettle

Hanging out with the kids when I got home

The dogs being happy to see me

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April 9, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  This card does not have the same sense of darkness as RWS.  It does have a sense of heartbreak and betrayal

Book:  Emptiness, feeling of paralysis, over thinking, end of old cycle

Guidance:  Embrace faith and trust.  Accept things as they are

Affirmation:  I Trust

Journaling

I don’t normally like the ten of swords because it is a stabbed in the back/heartbreak card, but I like how this one is portrayed as if all the pain is coming out and it is cleansing in the same way that Dreamer 10 (Tarot of the Sidhe) feels.  And it does feel as if I’m going through a cathartic release right now.

April 16, 2017 Revisit

It still feels cleansing and cathartic to let all the blood and pain come out.  I actually feel happier and more grounded than I have in a long time.

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October 21, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Demands from every angle, betrayal, knives in the back

Book:  Failure, dead end choices, learning lessons the hard way, thinking things to death, situation is not as bad as it looks, people acting against seeker

Guidance:  Trust, do not overthink, a new day will dawn

Journaling

It actually wasn’t that bad of day today.  I let go of worrying about the future and all that was or was not going to happen and just trusted.  I trusted that somehow it is all going to work out.  One thing I have found is that working with tarot is that it really keeps me grounded din the present.  The card a day stays with me and I focus on what I need to do today.

May 25, 2018 Revisit

Tarot does help keep me grounded and it is a reminder that there is a world outside of my little world.  Going to the cemetery reminds me of the same thing as sometimes I get so caught up on what is happening in my world at this very moment that I forget that there is a great big world out there where what’s going on in my world really doesn’t matter.

The one thing about myself that I’m starting to realize is that there are times that I exhibit signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I find myself feeling empty even when life is going really well and I get overly attached to people.  I also find myself concerned about what other people are thinking about me and feeling as if I may be stabbed in the back.   A lot of this is making it all about me and that is not healthy to me.

I have to work hard to keep myself from making inappropriate outbursts or flat out asking if I am going to be fired.  I seem to have no sense of worth and if I am not constantly being praised, I am afraid people don’t like me.  This is not a good way to live and I’m realizing that the time in my life when I was not feeling like this was when I was in Al-Anon.  When I was doing program work, I felt so much more centered and balanced

January 14, 2022 Revisit

Interesting to reflect on this and I realize that a lot of why I might have felt constantly on edge about my job when I was a consultant is you really are always on the bubble.  The only time you are really safe is when you are on a project and then you have to bend over and kiss ass to not get let go.  I hadn’t realized until I read this how much that stress constantly weighed on me.  I felt like every time I made a misstep I was going to get a pink slip.  I don’t feel that weigh at the Big Bird because I know it is a huge process to let someone go and I know I am doing a good job.  I don’t necessarily love my job, but I am realizing that I do feel much safer and more secure than I did as a consultant.

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September 14, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled reversed

Initial Impressions:  The beads in his hair came loose, but there is no blood.  Are the beads supposed to represent the blood?  Reversed, this card says to me that someones cares are falling away.

Book:  Opportunity arises for liberation and change.  The ultimate battle is with yourself.  Work on the issue and find the courage to rise again.  You will endure and persevere.

Guidance:  Have the courage to love again.  Trust that he loves you.  Be open.

Journaling

Hope is such a good thing and there are days it is in short supply because I get mired in all the details.  For me, this card speaks to cares and worries falling away and about the weirdness being gone.  Reversed this card is about opening up.

December 22, 2017
Interesting as I read this card over a year later, what I see is someone being impaled by the swords versus them falling away.  I’ve quit reading reversals so if I was to read this card today, I would see it as the worst having been done.  The nine of swords is about nightmares and in some ways this card is about the nightmare coming true.  However, the one thing that I have learned in my life is that sometimes it is okay when the other shoe has dropped and you know for sure where you’re at.  For me, it is harder to deal with the uncertainty and the worry than with cold hard facts.  With cold hard facts, you can come up with a plan to actually address what’s going on.

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May 29, 2016

Ten of Fire Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

First Impressions:  Being overwhelmed by loss and grieving, Dreams going up in smoke, clearing away the old to make room for the new.

Journaling:

I’m at a point in my life right now where I truly understand that fire and loss happen to make way for the new.  It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt or that it isn’t hard to look at the devastation, but it means I need to start from scratch.  I’m sure there are parts of my old life that I will always miss and love, but the earth has been prepped for new growth and it is time to move on.

December 29, 2017

This card makes me think of the poor people who have lost everything in the California fires.  There is such devastation, but from a land perspective it has cleared away debris and given the land a chance to start from scratch.  As I think through the times in my life when I have been down and faced loss, I’m realizing that I never really had to start from scratch as I always had my intelligence, the money I had in the bank, and relationships.  I’ve always had some kind of foundation to start with.  I don’t know if everyone is that lucky or if there are some people who truly are starting over from scratch.

 October 1, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  There is a sense of overwhelming sadness in this card as if the figure is grieving something deep and dark.  However, the green of the grass provides a sense of hope.

Book:  I acknowledge my pain.  I thank it for the lessons of love and forgiveness that it brings me.

Guidance:   Listen for the whispers of loving kindness

Journaling:

On the surface, this card doesn’t represent where my day went.  However, I did need the reminder to listen for those whispers of loving kindness because sometimes we get so caught up in looking for evil and nastiness in the world that we don’t recognize the good that is all around us.  It was so lovely when I took a minute to thank the woman who said I wasn’t a disaster and she said that I was lovely.  It didn’t take a minute of her day, but it really mattered.

This was also a good reminder for me to think about how I treat people in my interactions an to be kind whenever I can.  There are times when I am so irritated and focused on what I need to do that I forget to be kind.  Today was a good reminder of how much kindness matters.

Where I’m At:  Today was an interesting day.  I didn’t get good sleep last night because Wendy was a total ass.  I was sleeping on the couch and she pushed me off.  Then I was sleeping on the pad under my desk and she pushed me off.  Then I went back to the couch and she pushed me off.  I finally went upstairs and got a good night’s sleep, but it was too short.  Then I had to take the Barkster to the vet so I couldn’t go back to sleep.  However, the day got better because after I went to the vet, I went to the Farmer’s Market and people were so nice.  I dropped a token and a lady picked it up, then I dropped an apple and she picked it up.  I said, I was sorry and that I was a disaster.  She said you’re not a disaster.  I thanked her for her comment and she told me I was lovely and gave me a hug.  And the Lemon Waves guy recognized me and when I only had three bucks in my pocket and started to look for a token, he said it was okay.  Those things made me feel so good.  It also helped me to realize how small gestures really do matter.  I also went to the Shelter today to pick up the gift basket I won and that was a good reminder that there are nice people in the world.

Weather:  It was actually a nice day out today.  It was a little chilly, but the sun was shining and overall it was a nice day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 33%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:21/ 7:09

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August 2, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  This card doesn’t look like the traditional five of cups and I’m not 100% sure that I understand the symbolism and how it relates

Book:  Regret, frustration, jealousy in a relationship, disappointment, legacy of failed expectations

Guidance:   Move past your legacy

Journaling:

This is an interesting card today as I software has blown up in my face.  People (i.e. some of our idiots in management) are trying to make this my fault, but I know it is not my fault.  First of all, some of the people who participated in the evaluation lied and chose I software because they thought it would be easier.  And management had the opportunity to pull the plug when they lied to us, but they failed.  They sat on their hands and didn’t do a damn thing.

The thing is I’m already planning to leave so I don’t really care what they think.  As long as I get another job, I’m going to sail on out of there.  I guess I view this card as saying F* you.  I still know what cups I am holding.  I really don’t need all the BS that this company has to offer.  They are literally the most misogonystic company that I have ever worked for and I really and truly don’t need their garbage.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and it is my last day before PTO.  It was a strange day as apparently there are all these behind the scenes meetings about Intelex and apparently people are trying to scapegoat me.  

Weather:  It is nice out, not horribly hot.  I sat outside for about an hour with the doggos

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 21%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:20 / 8:44

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 June 17, 2022

Deck:   Intuitive Dark Goddess

First Impressions:  Sunshine, happiness, light streaming through

Book:  Contrast, perspective, loss, gratitude, process

Guidance:   Accept the good and the bad as part of a greater whole

Journaling:

I needed this reminder that where there is bad, there is also good.  I have been so focused on the bad lately that I forget that there is good in this world.  There are people who are helpful and kind and who want to be there for others.  However, the good in this world doesn’t sell newspapers so it isn’t often spotlighted and when it is, it is spotlighted as something strange and out of the ordinary.  It is also so easy to get trapped into feeling like I want and need more.

I have enough and I am going to remember that.  I’m going to put my windchimes in the house so that I can start being a more positive person.  I think I will also drag out my gratitude journal and start writing in it every day.  Another thing I can do to start feeling better about the world is to start spending more time cleaning.  I know that I always feel better when I have a clean house.

Where I’m At:  I love summer Fridays.  I worked hard this morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed this afternoon.  I hung out with the dogs and just had a wonderful day.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely beautiful.  It wasn’t too hot and it was a nice day for a drive.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 78

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:04

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 June 2, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Grief, being overwhelmed, sadness, not looking at what is left

Book:  Mourning, loss, bitterness, regret, rejection

Guidance: Don’t cry over spilt milk

Journaling:

My heart is breaking right now with anger, rage, grief, and sadness.  The world we live in is so broken.  It feels like the only safe place is at home with the doors locked.  I’m scared to go to the grocery store, I’m scared to go out in public, I’m just scared to exist because it feels like there are men with guns around every corner.  Unfortunately, I know this isn’t a figment of my imagination as there have been over 250 mass shooting events this year.  Grocery stores, schools, work places, malls.  It seems like no place is safe.

Little kids go to school and never come home.  This is a card of crying and mourning and screaming.  It is a card about recognizing how horrible the world is, but picking up and going on.  It is about looking for ways to make a difference even when the world sucks.

Where:  I’m at home today

Weather:  It is getting to be those warm summer days where it is unbearably hot sometimes and other times when you are still, the breeze hits you and it feels so good.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 8%

Sunrise / Sunset: 

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May 21, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Focusing on what is lost, an oh my expression.  Out in the wilderness when there is a castle not too far away

Book: Mourning, loss, bitterness, rejection

Guidance: Do not cry over spilled milk

Journaling:

Cam and I talked about John today while we were out and about and how every time anyone made a mistake or something broke it was personal for him.  Everything everyone did was all about him, when in reality it wasn’t.  People made mistakes because people make mistakes and things break.  But it was always a big thing.  This came up because I made a wrong turn and Cam pointed out that we were able to just go on and move on, but John would have berated me for it.  It would have been all about how stupid I was for not paying attention.  We also talked about how he really had no friends because once people saw how horrible he was, they dumped him.  

Of course, this triggered flashbacks for me and I was thinking about the time he beat me with a baseball bat and wondering if I should have called the cops.  I’ve always told myself that I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want him to go to jail, but I’m realizing that that is not the truth.  I was terrified that if I called the cops, he would get out and he would kill me or the kids.  Calling the police on a domestic abuser can be deadly as he is angry and embarrassed and blames the victim.  I think the real truth of the matter is that I didn’t trust the police and was afraid that if I called them, it would be worse or they would not believe me.  What I am realizing is that I did what I needed to do to live and survive.  Calling the police could have been deadly for me.

The other truth is that even 10 years ago, people did not believe victims of intimate partner violence and they blamed the victim or the abuser was able to talk his way out of it and escape punishment.  I need to let go of thinking that I let him off the hook and start realizing that I very likely saved my life and the life of the kids.  He is a dangerous and violent person, especially when crossed.

I guess this card makes me think of that because I was so bitter and angry at myself for so long for not putting him in jail and that bitterness was eating me up, but when I look at it from the perspective of a survivor, I feel better about myself.

Where: Clam and I drove down to Chagrin Falls to Yours Truly for Breakfast and it was awesome to get out together and have a nice meal.  Of course, eating breakfast made us hungry for the rest of the day.  It rained in the afternoon / evening and it was so cozy to sit in front of the window and listen to the rain.

Weather:  It was actually a really nice day in the morning, but it stormed in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 64%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:59 / 8:45

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April 4, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, life force draining away

Book:  Grieving, disillusion, disappointment, wallowing, self pity, a broken heart

Guidance:  Dismantle your grief and reclaim your happiness

Journaling:

Wow!  This card hit the nail on the head for me today.  I am grieving the life that I really want:  a life with someone to walk by my side.  There are a lot of benefits to being alone and not being accountable to someone, but the downside is that I’m lonely.  My kids are great and it is nice to not be totally alone, but I want someone to flirt with and to be an adult with.  I want someone who I’m not responsible for.  And I don’t know how to get that in my life.  A lot of the times I feel so alone and awkward and geeky.

It also feels like I spent all my energy doing shit I don’t care about.

Where: I’m sitting at home in the living room after going to Metro Health for Open Table.  It actually felt really good to get out and interact with people.

Weather:  It was a reasonably nice day out today.  I went out this afternoon and it was about 50 so I was able to just wear a jacket.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 10%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 am / 7:55 pm

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February 17, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  La Larona, sadness, bereft, crying

Book:  Self pity, guilt, regret, stagnation, depression

Guidance:  Learn from your regret or it will be useless

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull today as I am depressed.  It just feels like everything in the world is so overwhelming.  It’s raining today and it makes the sadness in the air almost palpable.  The message of this card is to learn from regrets, but I’m not sure which regrets to learn from.  I have worked through most of my regrets and most of my sadness, so I’m not sure what I need to learn.  

However, I am feeling sorry for myself today as I really don’t like my job.  It’s boring and I feel like all I am doing is serving capitalism.  I don’t feel like I am helping people at all and that is not a good feeling.  I want a job that lets me change the world and I don’t have that.  All I am doing is helping a bloated company make more money.  I’ve always wanted a job where I help save the world and I don’t think I’ve eve really had it.  when I worked for the Air Force, I was helping the military industrial complex and now I’m helping capitalism.

Where I’m At: I’m home this week.

Mood: I’m sad

Weather:   It’s cold and rainy and it is supposed to snow later

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:18 AM / 6:02 PM

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Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Bleak, sadness, grieving

Book:  Wandering in a bleak landscape, bridge leading back to fullness

Guidance: Grieve for what is lost, but acknowledge what still remains

Journaling:

I’m so tired of being constantly angry and sad.  It feels as if those are my only two emotions and I’m struggling to keep the anger from coming out at inappropriate times.  This feels a lot like when I was married when I was just so angry and sad all the time.  However, I also know that anger and sadness also masquerade as fear and I’m terrified this mother fucker is going to get off and I know that Cam says that she just wants it over, but I know she’ll be devastated if he gets off.  And I know that I’m going to want to attack him and kill him right there in the courtroom.  My hate rage is so overpowering.  I just want him eviscerated and eliminated from the planet.  I want to pound his fucking head into the pavement until it is a bloody pulp.  However, I also know that he’s not worth going for jail for.  He is a piece of garbage and even if he gets off, the court of karma will catch up with him.

I’m feeling sad, scared, angry, guilty, and a whole host of other emotions that I don’t even know how to name.  All I know is that I’m going to just have to keep turning it over and eventually it will get better.  Turning it over really is the only thing that helps.

June 12, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Not appreciating what you have

Book:  Keen disappointment and regret when we realizing something is slipping away

Guidance:  Let go of things that are not working out, be gentle with yourself, beyond this place lies new hope

Journaling

I was feeling really unappreciative of what I have today.  I have plenty of work to keep me busy and I know that I need to proceed slowly and not get in over my head, but I’m busy thinking about all the projects we have that don’t have OCM on them.  I was focusing on what I don’t have and how our organization doesn’t really support what I do.  I feel as if it is me continuing to fight uphill and that’s a really frustrating place to be in.  However, what I should focus on is that I get the opportunity to go in and do something that is mostly fun everyday and I get paid a whole lot of money to do it.

A lot of the problem is that I’m not happy with doing the same thing over and over and over and I don’t really feel as if what I do makes a difference in the world.  I want to make a difference and I want to change people’s lives and I don’t do that now.  All I do is help company’s make more money and that’s not a lot of fun.  However, the job that I have is teaching me skills that I will need to move into a role I want which is in culture and diversity.  I have to work to change my mindset from focusing on what I don’t have to focusing on what I do have.  Sometimes that’s hard to do and I get caught up in loss and forget to feel gratitude for what I have.

At the heart of it, this card is about being grateful for the blessings in our lives.  There is always loss in our lives, but if we are able to open our hearts and be grateful for what we have, life will flow much better and we will be much more able to appreciate the good stuff that we have.

I love the line “beyond this place lies new hope.”  That is such a wonderful reminder to let go of what we can no longer have and be ready to embrace the new.  I’ve learned that to embrace the new, I have to mourn what I’m letting go of.  Sometimes we think we can just let go of things, but it is important to have the mourning period that helps us to let go.

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November 12, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  pulled reversed

First impressions:  Appreciate what you have

Book:  Return and restoration of hope after recent losses, situation is beginning to turn, feelings of hopefullness

Guidance: Be hopeful, let go of the wounds

Journaling

There are two meanings of this card reversed and I am torn as to which one is more suitable.  One is about the restoration of hope and the other is about the utter loss of hope.  There is a part of me that feels hope being restored and ready to move and the other that feels devastated and as if I have no hope at all.  Dinner was wonderful, but I still ended up sleeping alone and that hurts.  I really and truly want the real deal and I am not sure if I will ever get it and that is devastating.

September 1, 2018

It’s been almost two years since I wrote this and I’m not even sure who I went to dinner with.  LOL.  I still want the real deal, but I have learned a lot in the last two years about the value of being alone and the value of my independence.  I’ve realized that if I had gotten with anyone right after John and I broke up that it would have been a disaster.  I was so broken that I would have trashed any relationship with my neediness.

I’ve come to value myself so much in the last few years and I’ve learned how to talk myself out of the bad places when I need to.  I’ve learned to take a step back and evaluate what is real and what’s not.  I find that my thoughts take me down into a deep dark place sometimes, but I can also use my thoughts to get myself out of that deep dark place and back to a place of hope. 

 September 30, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Harvest of Wands

First Impressions:  I love how the wolf is howling at the moon.  This is a symbol of power and beauty.

Book:  By honoring myself I gather faith in myself and harvest opportunity

Guidance:   Walk through the world with confidence

Journaling:

I love the reminder to walk through the world with confidence.  I am getting so much better at that.  There are days when it is hard for me, but overall I have so much more confidence in who I am as a person than I did even 10 years ago.  I’ve always been fairly confident about my abilities, but not about my fundamental worthiness.  

I’m also realizing how much easier it i to walk through the world with confidence when someone is not tearing you down at every opportunity.  John lived to tear me down and even admitted as much as he said he said things to take me down a few notches.  To this day, I do not understand why you would go into a relationship with someone and then work to tear them down.  Maybe it was because he felt so bad about himself that he had to “create” a creature lower than himself to feel superior.  That is sad on so many levels as I don’t understand why he wanted to tear me down instead of building himself up.

Where I’m At:  Today was a really hard day as I was physically exhausted.  I worked too late last night and it threw me off balance.  After work, I went to Lane Bryant to return some clothes and Cam and I went to pick up her car.  It cost me $3,500 to pick up the car and I was not expecting that expense.  I had to take a step back and remind myself to be grateful that I had the money.

Weather:  It was nice outside today.  It was cool and a bit overcast.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:20 / 7:11

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 August 23, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose tarot

Card Name:  King of Batons

First Impressions:  I love the flag / 

Book:  Impartial counsel, unforeseen legacy, honesty

Guidance:   Leave the best legacy you can

Journaling:

I’ve been thinking a lot about legacy and about what I will leave behind.  For me, it is important to leave my kids settled with houses so that all they have to do is work and they’ll be fine.  This student loan thing will help a lot as they’ll only have to pay 10 years and then they will be done.  Once that is done, I’ll pass the houses over to them and we will move on.  

I also want to leave a legacy as a good person.  I think a lot about what it means to be kind, about what it means to help people, and what it means to support people.  That is what I really want to do with my life.  

Where I’m At:  I went out in the morning to do some errands.  I got my passport photos taken, took my drug screen, and went to Li Wah for lunch.  All in all, it was a pretty good day.  Until I got home and found that Glenn wanted me in the office Monday through Thursday next week, which is total bullshit.

Weather:  It wasn’t a horrible day out.  It started out cool in the morning, but then got hot as the day went on.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:42 / 8:15 am

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August 23, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose tarot

Card Name:  King of Batons

First Impressions:  I love the flag / 

Book:  Impartial counsel, unforeseen legacy, honesty

Guidance:   Leave the best legacy you can

Journaling:

I’ve been thinking a lot about legacy and about what I will leave behind.  For me, it is important to leave my kids settled with houses so that all they have to do is work and they’ll be fine.  This student loan thing will help a lot as they’ll only have to pay 10 years and then they will be done.  Once that is done, I’ll pass the houses over to them and we will move on.  

I also want to leave a legacy as a good person.  I think a lot about what it means to be kind, about what it means to help people, and what it means to support people.  That is what I really want to do with my life.  

Where I’m At:  I went out in the morning to do some errands.  I got my passport photos taken, took my drug screen, and went to Li Wah for lunch.  All in all, it was a pretty good day.  Until I got home and found that Glenn wanted me in the office Monday through Thursday next week, which is total bullshit.

Weather:  It wasn’t a horrible day out.  It started out cool in the morning, but then got hot as the day went on.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:42 / 8:15 am

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 August 23, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose tarot

Card Name:  King of Batons

First Impressions:  I love the flag / 

Book:  Impartial counsel, unforeseen legacy, honesty

Guidance:   Leave the best legacy you can

Journaling:

I’ve been thinking a lot about legacy and about what I will leave behind.  For me, it is important to leave my kids settled with houses so that all they have to do is work and they’ll be fine.  This student loan thing will help a lot as they’ll only have to pay 10 years and then they will be done.  Once that is done, I’ll pass the houses over to them and we will move on.  

I also want to leave a legacy as a good person.  I think a lot about what it means to be kind, about what it means to help people, and what it means to support people.  That is what I really want to do with my life.  

Where I’m At:  I went out in the morning to do some errands.  I got my passport photos taken, took my drug screen, and went to Li Wah for lunch.  All in all, it was a pretty good day.  Until I got home and found that Glenn wanted me in the office Monday through Thursday next week, which is total bullshit.

Weather:  It wasn’t a horrible day out.  It started out cool in the morning, but then got hot as the day went on.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:42 / 8:15 am

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May 31, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Regal, calm, controlled, going forward

Book: Inner strength, self motivation, 

Guidance: Integrity can fracture in explosive ways

Journaling:

This card reminds me of Pruitt on Station 19.  He is wise and kind and takes care of the people who love him.  And I guess he reminds me of my dad as well.  I love my dad and I miss him.  Even though he was annoying and misgonistyc, I never doubted that he loved me.  I wish I had someone in my life now who loved me and would take care of me.  Even though I know I am a badass, it would be nice to have someone take care of me once in a while.  Someone to protect me and look out for me.  I don’t think I’ve had that since my daddy died.  John certainly never took care of me and I am realizing that he didn’t love me.

This card is all about inner strength and that’s what I need to channel now.

Where:  I’m at home this week.  And right now am just hanging out with the doggos.

Weather:  It was beautiful out today.  The sun was shining and I spent time hanging out in the hammock and it was wonderful.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54/8:54

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March 10, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Getting down to business, lighting the way, strong and courageous, not standing on ceremony

Book:  Natural born leader, creative visionary, fearlessness, successful ideation

Guidance:   Boldly express your offbeat weirdo

Journaling:

I love this card as it is a card of looking toward the future and of lighting the way.  One of the things that I need to work on is really charting my course and figuring out where I want to go.  I love the salary that my job provides, but I’m not thrilled with the work.  I would much rather be living my own best life and doing what is important to me.

the problem is that I’m not sure how to get there.  I think I need to do some serious magick and figure it out.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting on the couch with Clarko snoring next to me and Wendy in her cuddle cup.

Weather: It’s a little cold out, but not snowing yet

Moon Phase:  First Quarter 50%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:46 am / 6:27 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck;  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Wisdom, lit from the sun, forward motion

Book:  Creative visions, loving a challenge and opportunity to strategize, only comfortable when he’s in charge, intolerant of weakness in himself and others,

Guidance:  Call upon the leader in yourself

Journaling

This is an incredibly interesting card as it speaks to me on so many levels.  I do love to be creative and figure out how to take an idea from a spark to fruition.  That’s incredibly fun for me as I love the creativity involved in figuring out the angles, overcoming obstacles, etc.  I think that’s the real reason I want to stay at my current job as there is something immensely satisfying in doing something that no one thought could be done and doing it well.  It feed my ego so much to have people tell me that I’m actually making it work.  I also get personal satisfaction out of it as well, especially since I am really starting to see results.  It’s interesting because when I met with Cindy she said she was a builder and that applies to me as well.  I love the leadership aspects of building something amazing, but I’m not so good at managing things and having to deal with employees.

It is the other piece of this where I fall down and that’s only being comfortable when I’m in charge.  This doesn’t exhibit itself as not taking orders from my boss, but it does come into play when I end up having subordinates as I want to micromanage them and I am convinced that they will screw it up and I will have to fix it.  However, when I take a step back and am kind to myself and look at things realistically instead of focusing on my flaws, I realize that in a lot of ways my behavior is completely understandable because the people I have had as subordinates have not really been up to the task.  I had people trying to do quick reference guides who had no idea how to do the transactions.  I also had people who didn’t care.  I hadn’t actually hired any of these people so it makes sense that it didn’t work.  I can do a good job of mentoring and giving good direction when I have the right people working for me.

I have also learned that just because I think something critical doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person or that I’m mean.  It is okay to have those thoughts as long as you stifle them and what comes out of my mouth is helpful.  I’m learning to do that with people at work as there are times I just want to say “What an idiot!”  However, I’ve learned to stop, redirect, and come up with something helpful.  There is too much meanness in the world, there is no reason that I need to contribute to it.

December 20, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Loss of Passion

Book:  Be careful, be aware of recklessness, inability to move forward, need to move forward, hesitating, uncertainty

Guidance:  Be more assertive, be more confident

Journaling

This card fits where i am today as I have been dragging my heels about this course that I’m creating.  I think the root cause is that I am afraid to go into the darkness again.  I’m afraid of opening doors that I thought I’d closed.  However, there is a reason this is coming up now so I will honor the process and go back into my darkness.

July 8, 2018

Interesting when I read this and think about the actual meanings of the words.  I haven’t worked on my course in a while and I think it is because I’ve learned the lessons and it really is time for me to move forward.  I don’t need to go back into the darkness and I don’t owe it to anyone to guide them or help them.  I guide my kids and I provide for them and I don’t need to give my all to anyone. 

I’ve also found that my daily and weekly tarot practices are helping me to dig into the darkness without becoming overwhelmed.  I find so much healing in tarot and the discipline of pulling a card everyday really helps to to get all the junk out in a deliberate way.