Author: Raine Shakti

Travels with the Evil Inclination: A Rabble-Rousing Renegade Rabbi’s Story by Gershon Winkler
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Gershon Winkler is the spiritual leader that we all need even if is funny and sometimes irreverent manner are shocking to the more sober minded. Travels with the Evil Inclination is a book about Winkler’s journey from an ultra Orthodox upbringing in the Bronx to an Ultra Flexidox life in the middle of New Mexico. The book is bold and beautiful as Winkler is honest about his desires, his shortcomings, and his missteps.

What I found the most interesting about this book is that even tough Winkler is Jewish and I practice an eclectic form of spirituality, many of our lessons and experiences are the same. I firmly believe that if you put your intentions out there, the goddess will deliver, but that you will be tested as few things are easy in this life. Winkler exemplifies this lesson as he put out his intention to live a more flexible life and while he was continually tested on his path by the Evil Inclination, he ultimately persevered. Some of the tests he encountered included having all of his belongings wash away and being robbed by hitchhikers.

This book reinforced my growing realization that there are many similarities between different religious paths and that there is no right or wrong path only a right or wrong path for an individual.

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Comfort: A Journey Through Grief by Ann Hood
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

It seems odd that a book about grief would be called Comfort because grief can be one of the least comfortable things imaginable. It is full of shards and tears and unexpected agony, but it also has, I supposed, a kind of comfort all its own. It can be that warm bed that you crawl into and never want to crawl out of because as long as you are nestled into your cocoon, you can forget the pain of living without someone you loved. As long as you’re in that comfortable bed, you can forget that the person who promised to love you forever broke that promise, you can forget the pain of seeing your father laying in a hospital bed grasping for a last breath that will never come, and you can forget helplessly watching the eyes of your dog close the last time as the vet plunges the needle into his fur.

When grief inducing incidents happen, people offer empty platitudes promising that time will heal all wounds, that someday you will let go of the pain, and that someday you will claw your way out of the pain and move on with your life. Ann Hood opens Comfort with an essay about all the promises that people made when her daughter Grace died on April 18, 2002. As I read her words, I found myself nodding as I had heard some version of those words when my father died, when my marriage ended, and when my dog (who had loved me through both of those events) died.

My dad died on November 28, 2008, the day after Thanksgiving, and in some ways I never properly grieved him because I was the one that had to be strong for everyone else. I had to reassure my kids that life was still good, I had to help my mother navigate the funeral process, and I had to be there for my husband who was mourning in his own way. It seemed I never got a chance to grieve as that first year was about helping my mother who had never lived alone navigate widowhood. And just when it finally felt like I could tend to my own emotions, my husband had a heart attack, almost tied, and just when he was out of the woods decided he wanted to be out of the woods alone and told me he wanted to end our 22 year marriage.

Again, there was no time to grieve and no time to tend to my own broken heart because I had to be strong for the kids, I had to find a new place to live, and I had to navigate on my own. I didn’t do so well those first few months as all I wanted to do was to drown in my sorrow. And it was Luke, my Australian Shepherd Collie Mix who kept me alive. As much as I didn’t want to tend to my own needs, I wanted to tend to his. He let me cry into his fur, he listened to me endlessly complain, and he loved me unconditionally when I thought no one would ever love me again. He was there for me in that way that dogs are oh so good at. He just loved me.

Eventually, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and the kids, Luke, and I moved to Cleveland. Life was wonderful, we had a big back yard for him to run in, a house, and we were happy. Until the end of August 2017 when we woke up and Luke couldn’t make it down the stairs. We carried him down the stairs, rushed him to the doctor, and said yes when she said the kind thing to do would be to let him go. My son, Sean, cried into the phone as we held the phone near Luke’s ear for him to say goodbye. Then my daughter and I gathered all our courage and held him as the doctor plunged the needle into his fur. Our consolation was knowing that he knew he was loved.

As I read Hood’s words about all the types of grief, all the types of platitudes, and how joy and grief can live side by side within our soul, something clicked and I realized that life and grief are complicated and that while time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds, it does make them bearable. I also realized that there are days when I am still going to want to snuggle up in my warm little nest and that that’s okay. There is no right way to grieve, there’s only my way.

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I choose a word of the year every year as a reminder of what I want to accomplish and of who I want to be. Last year my word was love and I made so much progress in learning to love myself and in learning to open my heart to love. What I learned along the way was that loving is hard work and that it isn’t what any of us as little girls are brought up to believe it is. We’re brought up to believe that we’ll meet a handsome prince and he’ll solve all our problems for us. However, we’re not taught about how to choose someone who will be loving, kind, and responsible. We’re taught that looks are all that matters. I spent 22 years trying to love someone who wasn’t capable of loving me back and I’ve spent the past 8 years trying to figure out exactly what love is. The one thing I’ve learned for sure is that love isn’t something that just happens. Love is hard, love is scary, and love is work.

I’ve also realized that love and healing are intertwined and while I’ve made a lot of healing in learning to love, I also have a lot of work to do in healing and growing. That’s why I chose the word HEAL as my word of the year as there are a lot of things I still need to work out. I need to heal my relationship with food, my relationship with myself, my relationship with my body, and my relationships with people who have hurt me in the past. I don’t know exactly what tools or techniques that I’ll use, but I do know it will involve reading and writing as those are things that have helped me in the past. Tarot will probably be involved as the cards have helped me figure things out more than once. I’ll write about general things here and about more tarot related things on Tarot of Change. Feel free as I dive into 2020 and work to heal my life.

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The theme for our solstice Blog Hope is Gift and I chose to use it as a catalyst for the gift I plan to give myself in 2020 and that is the gift of healing.  I “choose” or am given a word every year and this year the word that has been coming to me repeatedly is HEAL.  Our world needs healing, I need healing, and everyone I know needs to heal something.  Unfortunately, I think a lot of us are resistant to healing because accepting that we need to heal means accepting that there is something sick or broken about ourselves.  We put up barriers and obstacles to accepting healing and we stay broken.

Letting down our guard is difficult, especially in this climate of ugliness and hate, and it can feel like since the whole world needs healing we need to “stay strong” and keep up our barriers to avoid getting hurt more.  However, I’ve decided that I am going to embrace my brokenness and open myself to healing this year.

Each letter also sparked thoughts of additional healing words so I created Word Art with those words embedded.  For my tarot draw, I pulled a card for each letter of the word HEAL and one last card to sum it all up.  For this reading, I’ll be using the Light Seer’s Tarot.

H=How can I find HOPE?
The Six of Pentacles tells me that I find hope when I open myself  up to the generosity of the universe and when I know that love is flowing all around me.  I find hope when I realize that I will always have enough and when I open my heart and my pocketbook to give, knowing that I have enough for me and enough to share.  This is a powerful message because in times of worry and despair, we often hold close to what we have because we are afraid that there won’t be enough or that we won’t have more.  I had a moment when my heart was broken open on Thursday night on my way to the San Francisco Airport.  I’d stopped at a Walgreen’s to get a couple of things for my trip and there was a homeless lady sitting outside of the Walgreen’s and she asked if I could help her out.  I gave my typical response that I had no cash because that makes my life easier.  However, while I was inside the store, something spoke to me and I purchased some food for her and gave her that and 10 dollars as it was all the cash I had.  Her  whole face lit up as she blessed me and gave me a box of cookies.  It was a powerful lesson in both giving and receiving.

E=How can I embrace all of life including happiness, grief, joy, and loss?
The Moon tells me to surrender to my intuition and let the feelings wash over me.  The more I struggle and try to fight the feelings or try to rationalize them, the more I will feel anguish.  I need to surrender and accept that my intuition knows exactly what I need to do.  When I surrender and when I struggle, I only cause myself more pain and fear.  I need to let all of the emotions wash over me without holding on too tightly or without putting up my shields.  When I fight them, I live a life of worry and sadness as it feels I am constantly holding something at bay.  However, when I surrender, my life is calmer and I no longer live a life of fear.

A=How can I accept myself and others as they are?
The Seven of Swords is an interesting card to draw here as it is traditionally about deception and betrayal.  However,  the card is also about being aware of self deception and about being mindful of the stories that we tell about ourselves and others.  Like a lot of us, I have a voice in my head that continually streams a message of bad stuff about my worth, my value, and my abilities.  This card is a reminder to not listen to the self-deception and to rise about if and to be honest about who I am.  It is a reminder to come from a place of truth and to remind myself that I do have value.  it is also a reminder to not always assume that others are out to get me.  Instead of always assuming people have the worst intentions, I need to use my intuition to determine there true intentions.

L=How can I love myself and others?
The Three of Wands tells me to be open to the opportunities that are out there and to watch for and be open to opportunities.  What I take away from this card is to be open to opportunities for love in my life and to be on the look out for them.  What I love about this card is that there are so many interesting elements in it and it is definitely not a one dimensional read.  The fact that she has gray hair tells me that she has wisdom and patience and she is not going to jump on the first opportunity that presents itself.  She is going to pay attention and to read the situation in order to make an informed choice.  She also understands that there are multiple opportunities available and she can choose to wait for the one that is right for her.

The four of cups is showing up as a reminder that instead of focusing on what I don’t have or on all the BS going on in my life, I need to be present and to be here in the moment.  There are gifts to be had and the universe is continually presenting me with wonder and joy, but sometimes I am focuses on my sense of lack.  This is an interesting card for me because it is reiterating the message that I’ve been receiving for the last few months and that is about the need to be present and to be in the here and now.  I spend so much time bemoaning the things I don’t have, that I miss what is right in front of my face.  I’m choosing not to live in a place of gratitude and gratitude is what will help me heal.

All in all, this was a pretty dead on reading as it is a reminder to be open to the wonder and beauty that is all around me and to be grateful.

Here is the master list.

Sacred Healing

Quiet Bonnie

Tarot of Change

Messages from Lore

Tarot and Stars

Welcome to the Tarot Blog Hop honoring our beloved dead.  I chose to honor Freda Kahlo as she is an inspiration to me.  I’m our wrangler this month and my guidance was to create a physical or virtual altar to someone we love or who has inspired us and to pull cards asking for advice.

Dearest Frida,

Thank you for being fierce and reminding us to take action instead of to whine.  Thank you for giving me an example of how to live life boldly.  Thank you for showing me that a woman could be fierce, bold, and feminine.

How do you feel about where the world is right now?
The nine of coins tells me that the world is a very lonely place right there as there is so much abundance for some that they can stand apart and not have a sense of community.  This makes sense as Frida was a communist and she would clearly see the separation between the haves and the have nots.   The other messages from this card are to be cherish what I do have and to have a sense of gratitude.  I should also do what I can to help those who have less than I do.  I may never be able to balance things out, but that should not stop me from doing what I can.

What can I learn from you?
The Page of Cups tells me to approach life from a place o love and to be fierce in my love.  I need to let go of slights and hurts and to let love flow.  This is an important message for me as it is a reminder that life can be hard, but it becomes much harder when I hold on to aches, pains,and slights.

What advice can you give me?
The Ace of Coins tells me to treasure what I have and to live a life of gratitude.  Do not worry or let thoughts of lack bring me fear.  I will be taken care of.  Another good message as I often get all caught up in what I don’t have and forget to treasure what I do have.

All in all this was a good read, if somewhat short.

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