Author: Raine Shakti

February 27, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Meditation, creativity, third eye, flames

Book:  New ideas, arrival of inspiration, interconnectedness, manifestation

Guidance:   Open your heart to new beginnings

Journaling:

I love this card and the thought of opening myself to new beginnings.  I’ve been super depressed lately and bogged down with all the ickiness in the world, but I think it is time to let go of all of that and focus on the good that is in the world and what I can do to create a life that I love.  One big step that I have taken lately is to stop going out to stores as much.  During the pandemic, I wanted to go out because I felt trapped, but now that the world is opening back up, it is so much easier to just say no.  I don’t need anything and the more stuff I surround myself with, the harder it is to be creative because there is no space to create.  

When I think about how life should be simple and should just come down to the basics, it reminds me that the more clutter there is in my head and in my house, the harder it is to be creative.  I need to work to open up room to create.  I think that is going to be my focus for the next little while, opening up space to create.

Where I’m At:  It is a clear and beautiful Sunday morning out and I’m sitting on the couch hanging out with the doggos.  Clark is snuggled under the sleeping bag and Wendy is on the orange chair.  It feels peaceful today despite all the crap that is going on in the world.

Weather:  It is clear and a little warmer today as it is 35 degrees

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 am / 6:15 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Lighting the way, light in the darkness

Book: Brilliant sunrise, life, creative passion

Guidance:  Take action and follow your bliss

Journaling:

For me, the Ace of Wands is that divine spark of inspiration, that magical moment when an amazing thought comes to you out of nowhere and it creates magic.  It is the first time that humans realized they could make a torch by lighting fire from a lightening strike and there was portable light.  It’s Ben Franklin discovering electricity.  It’s all those times when an amazing thought come to people and they acted upon it to make reality. 

One of the things we all need to learn about that divine spark is that we need to nurture it, protect it and help it grow beyond the little flame at the end of a stick.  We need to work with others to help it grow and become something real.  Sometimes I think there is a potential to want to protect our little spark baby too much and not share it. When that happens, the spark might end up dying and not coming into fruition.  However, having too many people or the wrong people involved in nurturing  the spark can also be a bad thing as that can mean that the little spark gets smothered or that people with no creativity may put the spark out because they don’t believe in it.  I know there have been times in my life when the little spark was doused because someone (usually John or Charlene) doused it and made me feel as if my dreams didn’t matter or like they were unattainable. 

One of the best things about living the life I live now is that I own my dreams and I am responsible for whether or not they come true.  Additionally, I get to choose the people that I have in my life which means that I only choose people who nurture and support my dreams and don’t bring people into my life who are going to smash my dreams.  And if they do attempt to smash my dreams, they get kicked out of my life.

July 31, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Journaling

This card feels like a beacon telling me that my creativity does have value and that I need to nurture it and see where it will take me.  I’ve been working on more creative things lately like my tarot of change book, poetry, blogging, etc.  The problem is that I just feel so weak and tired all the time and have absolutely no energy.  Hopefully, the detox we are doing will help address that issue and I will start feeling better.

Inspiration for me can come from so many places as I get inspired by nature, I get inspired by learning new things, and I get inspired by thinking of all the good stuff that the world has to offer.  For me all of those things are tied together and when I am in a good space and have energy, I let my creativity roam and life is very good.

The Ace of Wands can also be about letting the fire burn and burn away that which no longer serves me.  It can be about choosing to let go of anger and pain and all that is holding me back.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the yummy detox soup

I’m grateful for John’s help

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

I’m grateful for getting paid

I’m grateful for being able to pay my bills

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June 1, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Journaling

I love this card because it feels like the fire in my soul is being lit by all the fires of the universe.  For me it is a reminder to take inspiration from wherever I can find it.  Some days that inspiration will come from within my soul and other days it will come from those around me.  As I think about that spark of inspiration, I’m reminded of the importance of being vulnerable and being open to sharing with others.  When we are open with others and admit our weaknesses and strengths, we can feed off of one another and propel ourselves to greater things that any of us could become alone.

One of the things that I’ve found to be true in life is that drama really kills the creative spirit because it takes all of the inspiration and instead of feeding creativity, it feeds the drama and that is all that everyone thinks about and notices.  I’ve been working so hard lately to live a drama free life and to not let myself get all caught up in who said what and about who thinks what.  I used to be such a drama llama and I’m realizing that it was because I thought I was nothing unless everyone was noticing me so I would create or embrace drama because I got validation and people were paying attention to me.  However, since I’ve let go of the need to be the center of attention, my life is so much more peaceful.

Letting go of drama has also helped me to find time to be creative and to learn more about myself and the more I let go of the drama, the more time and energy that I have to feed my soul and to feed my creativity.  I have to really honest and say that John fed my drama queen attitudes because it was difficult to get attention from him unless we were fighting.  Drama became an addiction and when there was no drama, life felt drab and meaningless.  I’ve learned since that life without drama is really good because it lets me relax and have peace in my soul.

 I’ve written about my mother’s trauma and my father’s trauma, but I thought it would be interesting to read on their trauma as a couple.  My parent’s met in 1964 in South Elgin, IL.  My father had moved to the area because his aunt, uncle, and cousin had moved there and there were jobs in the area.  At the time they met he was working at Howell’s a chair manufacturer and my mother was working at a diner.  He came in, they met, and started dating.  He was 28 and she was 18.  At the time such an age gap was not as big of deal as it might have been today.

They got married in February 1965 and bought a house in Valley View.  It was a small one bedroom house with a closed in porch.  I was born in November 1966 and my brother was born in July 1970.  By all accounts we were a normal and happy family, except for my mother’s crazy family.  My father went to work at General Mills several years after I was born and worked there until he retired.  Shortly after they got married, they got a small dog named Spotty, but when I was five some teenagers killed Spotty.  

We lived in Valley View until I was ready to go to Middle School and we moved because my parents didn’t want me in St. Charles schools as they believed there was a drug problem there.  They moved out to Maple Park and my father’s commute became significantly longer.  To be honest, I don’t know how he commuted an hour each way very day, but he did it because he loved his family.  They lived in Maple Park until my dad retired, then they moved out to Mt. Carroll.  My dad died in 2008 and my mom still lives in Mt Carroll.

What is my parent’s trauma?

The six of swords tells me that my parent’s trauma is that they never grew as people, but stayed stuck where they were because they got married and had bills and responsibilities.  My father was stuck being the breadwinner and working a zillion hours and never had the time and energy to pursue writing or his other dreams.  And my mother took classes and wanted to pursue outside interests, but she was trapped being a housewife.  Additionally, a lot of the times we only had one car so she was stuck at home.  

As a child, I didn’t think of my parents as being stuck in a rut or incapable of moving on, but in retrospect, I can see how they both wanted so much more out of live, but weren’t able to pursue it because the money went to raising the kids.  It is such a common trap for people to fall into, but it makes me sad.  

One of the reasons that I work so hard to become someone other than a wage slave is that I don’t want to live my whole life regretting what I wasn’t able to do.  My dad never seemed to be resentful of us and I never got the sense we held him back, but in retrospect we did.  I feel the same kind of stuckness as it feels I will never get out from under the bills an be able to live my own life.

This card is also interesting because the more traditional meaning of the six of swords is traveling and moving behind being stuck.  My dad loved to travel and he always wanted to see Alaska someday.  It makes me sad that he never realized that dream.

How does this effect me emotionally?

The four of swords is an interesting card to draw here as it tells me that I can rest for the moment and that I’m through the storm and am safe now.  I read that to mean that I have processed the damage my parents did from an emotional perspective and that I can look back on what I learned and reflect on it.  I’m not continuing to be harmed.  That seems apt to me as I have done a heck of a lot of work on healing from my parent’s trauma.  However, this card also means that there might be more headwinds and trauma in the future.

When I look at this card from purely a visual perspective, I feel that who I am emotionally is reflective of what I went through and learned and that I am growing away from that trauma.  It happened for a reason and now I can move forward and continue to grow.

How does this effect my spiritually?

Unlike the four of swords which says I am growing from what I experienced, the five of swords tells me that the trauma of my parents is continuing to weigh me down and adversely impact me.  The dysfunctional religion of my parents has broken me and impacted me in ways that I don’t even know if I am aware of yet.  My father’s spirituality was patriarchal and he drug my mother into it.  I don’t think he realized that the religion he practiced was not the true religion of Jesus Christ, instead it was a religion concocted in part by the Catholic Church.  It was the Catholic Church who concocted the myths that women were second class citizens, it was the Catholic Church that concocted the myth that anyone who wasn’t saved would go to hell.

That is an interesting read for me as it represents a break down and stabbing in the back.  I guess when I look at it, that is what Christianity  done, it has broken my faith in its crappy belief system and stabbed me in the back.  I question why anyone would call themselves a Christian and if someone does, I don’t trust them.

How does this effect my physically?

I’m not 100% sure how to read this card in terms of how this impacts me physically.  As I meditate on this card and the meaning from the book, I think Justice is telling me that I get to choose how to treat my body.  I can choose to do the right thing and eat healthy or I can choose to overeat.  Much of my body image and behavior is driven by my parents.  My father and his archaic beliefs taught me to be ashamed of my body and to believe that it was my responsibility to cover up.  I remember when I was going off to college and I bought a swimsuit that made me look awesome.  It was a one piece and had buttons on the side and my cousin, aunt, and father, said that I shouldn’t let my grandmother see it.  My father was also against bikinis.  I never understood why as they showed off strong and healthy bodies.  

My mother also warped my view of my body as she constantly complained about being fat, but then sucked down sugar and candy.  I think that is where I learned to think I was helpless about how my body looked, but that’s not true.  There are always choices to be made and even if part of my weight is based on biology, not eating sugar will still help me be healthier.

How do I heal?

I recognize that who my parents were was partly the luck of the draw and that there choices had a karmic impact on who I grew up to be.  There is nothing that I can do to change that luck of the draw, but I do need to take responsibility for my own life and choices.  I can recognize how my parent’s trauma impacted me and take concrete steps to heal from it.  However, I do think it is important to step back and look at the pattern of their lives and look at how I was impacted, because knowledge is power.  

The other lesson of this card is that we are all a product of our circumstances, including my father.  I don’t think he deliberately set out to be cruel or to treat me as a second class citizen, but he absorbed the beliefs of his parents and his circumstances.   The sticky thing about believing that is that if I believe that for my father, I also have to give my mother the same grace and understand that she is also a product of her circumstances.  That is harder for me, because while the pain my father caused was covert and I didn’t even realize how I was being hurt at the time, the pain she caused was overt and in my face.  It is difficult for me to accept that she was that rude and hateful and was unaware that she was being rude and hateful.

The Fool card from the Radiant Tarot asks me to be the fool for the day.  This was hard for me to even contemplate as it’s been so long since I was silly and foolish and it almost seems I have forgotten how.  However, the kids took off for a monsters game and this prompt’s been playing in the back of my mind since I pulled it–and immediately put it back–a few days ago.  So I decided that I would play the fool for the evening.

I’m cooking my favorite food–risotto–and instead of staidly standing their and stirring it, I turned up the volume on some rock and roll and stirred and rocked out.  I started with the boys (The Beatles, Aerosmith, etc.), but soon decided I wanted something more feminine so I tuned in to Ace of Cups and rocked out while I was cooking my favorite slow food.  It felt good to practice some probably bad dance moves and to dance around the kitchen like no one was watching…because they weren’t.  I soon decided that I needed some beat to go with my dancing and pulled out a rattle and my homemade sistrum and I rocked out.  It feel so good and so liberating to just dance and not worry about how I looked.

I also felt so in my body.  I spend so much time living in my head that to actually feel in my body was a weird feeling.  I felt good and sexy and amazing.  The only downside to my dancing is that Wendy freaked out a little and ran into her cuddle cup to get away from her crazy mom.

 Deck:  Sacred Traveler Oracle Cards

First Impressions:   Solitude, rest and recuperation

Affirmation;  In silence, peace prevails

Book:  In silence, you’ll find self-awareness and inner peace,,

Guidance:  Slow down and make time for yourself

Major Events this Week:  Nothing major planned this week, it will just be same old same old.

Journaling

Interesting to pull this card along with the four of swords as my daily card.  The message I’m getting is to slow down and take care of myself.  I don’t need to be going 100 miles a minute every second of the day.  It is also interesting to get these cards as I have been taking time to contemplate slow and realizing that life is so much better when I do move slowly and take time to heal.  The one good thing the pandemic has brought is more time at home and more solitude.  I know that I am less likely to go out just to go out and I’ve really cut down on the shopping to shop.  It feels i have pulled back my energy to what really matters.

Sleep has also been calling me and I know that as my body heals from emotional trauma, sleep is regenerating as it lets my body heal.  The other aspect of this card that appeals to me is that she is gazing into a pound or bowl of water.  That suggest dreaming and receiving messages.

 Unlike my mother, whose trauma was deliberately inflicted, my father’s trauma was mostly situational.  He was born the third son of an electrician and a homemaker.  By all accounts they were a loving family and were working to improve their lot in life.  Unfortunately, my grandfather was electrocuted when my dad was three years old and my grandmother went into a tailspin.  The family moved from Bethalto, IL to Poplar Bluff, MO so that my grandmother could be closer to her family.  My dad grew up poor, but he was surrounded by love.  In addition to his three brothers, he also had a lot of cousins who lived down the street that he played with.

If there was any significant trauma in my father’s life, other than losing his father and growing up poor, I never heard about it as he pained his childhood as happy and loving, despite being poor.  However, my father was a product of his times and the attitudes he grew up with harmed me.  He grew up believing that elders were always to be respected, even if they were abusive, and that women were second class citizens.  I know that he loved me, but I also know he expected me to grow up to be a wife and mother.  Shaking those attitudes was hard and I know that there is a part of me today that feels I am disappointing him. 

I will say that despite not having a father of his own, my father worked hard to provide for us and be loving.  I remember summers when we would go out to White Pines and he would come out to be with us in the evenings, then go home so he could go to work the next morning.  A lot of weeks he worked 7 days a week so that we had the things that we needed and wanted.

What is my father’s trauma?

The world seems like a strange card to pull for this question as it is a happy and peaceful card.  However, it is also a card of travel and opportunities and new beginnings.  My father’s trauma was in part his stifled world view and his longing to travel and see new places even though he did not have the means to do so.  He had a poetic and beautiful soul and he longed to write and see the world, but those opportunities were denied to him because of he was the poor son of a widow woman.  He worked hard to make a good life for us and he sacrificed so that we could have a good life, but he was never truly fulfilled.

His worldview also kept our family from advancing because he was brought up to believe that a man’s role was to support his family and a woman’s to keep the house.  That meant he never supported my mother working and he always sabotaged whatever jobs she got.  Sadly, my mother had wanted to be a nurse, but that wouldn’t have been acceptable in my father’s world.  However, if he had let her pursue her dreams, he would not have had to work so hard.

My father’s worldview also hurt me as I was raised to believe I was a second class citizen and that my worth was in finding someone and marrying them.  I know that hurt me tremendously because I never wanted that life.  I am so glad that I have Cam and Sean, but I would have been happy living a life alone and traveling and exploring who I was.  However, that was never deemed an acceptable life for a woman.

How does this effect me emotionally?

This page of swords is telling me that I have grown tremendously over the past few years. The page of swords is all about facing your problems directly and not letting them fester.  It is about learning from the experiences I have had.  It took me a long time to acknowledge that the father I loved had hurt me with his attitudes, but I finally learned that lesson when I estranged myself from my mother.  I had tried very hard to ignore the pain she caused me because she was my mother and I had to respect her at all costs.  However, when the pain she was causing me became too much, I had to cut her out of my life in order to move on and grow.  Initially, I had a lot of guilt over that because my father had raised me to respect my elders, but when it came down to her or me, I had to choose me.  

That was my first break with my father’s teachings, but as I reflected on my life.  I realized that this teaching had also kept Elaine (my maternal grandmother) in my life even though she was toxic.  I am sure that my father counseled my mother that she had to respect her because the bible says respect your parents.  Elaine caused irreparable harm to my mother and to me both directly and indirectly.  If my father had been able to step back and see that there were exceptions to respect your elders, we all would have been better off.

I also had to accept that my father was sexist and believed that women were second class citizens and that that belief caused me a world of hurt.  I have never felt confident at work because in the back of my mind, I am always hearing my father telling me to leave the good jobs for the men.  I also believe that if he had not raised me to be a second class citizen, I never would have married John.  However, that also means that I never would have had the kids.

The good thing is that I have been able to recognize how my father harmed me and have started working through the pain.

How does this effect me spiritually?

It causes me to have difficulty trusting people and to always be waiting for someone to put a sword, or 9, in my back.  It has also caused me to reject Christianity because I feel that there is nothing there for me and I feel betrayed by the people in church as they raised me to hate myself and believe that I was a second class citizen.  What I realized when I started exploring the world, was that this was not personal and that every woman exposed to Christianity had been raised to hate herself and believe that she is the cause of all the evil in the world because Eve at the apple.

The nine of swords tells me that all the anguished caused by my father’s beliefs are now internal.  I internalized all the garbage and lies that he told me and that now I am the one that has to take steps to fix it.  My dad is gone and those people at the misogynistic churches are part of my past.  I have to choose to heal from the pain.  I have to choose to know that those folks were products of their upbringing and that nothing they did or said was personal.

How does this effect me physically?

Regeneration is an interesting card as it is not part of the traditional tarot, but was added to this deck. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to read it because it is “not traditional,” but I also don’t believe in pulling cards because you don’t like something.  

The message that I get reflecting on this card is that I was brought up not to treasure and honor my body for the amazing creature it was.  I was brought up to believe my body was shameful and that I was shameful for being female.  This has impacted me in so many ways because instead of seeing my body as beautiful and capable of taking care of me, I was taught to treat my body like garbage and to not honor it. 

I know my body has the power to regenerate and heal itself, but I have to do my part by honoring my body and not pumping it full of sugar and chemicals.  I am harming my body’s ability to take care of itself with my own actions.

How do I heal?

The eight of swords tells me that the decision to heal is mine.  I can choose to let go of all the old baggage that I am carrying around or I may choose to remain trapped.  I can choose to realize that I am a fully actualized human being that does not need to be reliant on a man to take care of me.  It doesn’t matter what my dad’s thoughts were on a woman’s role, I need to come to my own conclusion and I have concluded that I am capable.

I also need to make my own path spiritually and part of that path is realizing that human beings corrupted Christianity to make it something ugly and judgmental.  Christ was not ugly and judgmental and he certainly believed in the worth and power of women.  Men chose to use Christianity to subjugate women and that was wrong.

I can also choose to heal my body by working to release my need for sugar and do the things that honor my body instead of things that kill my spirit and my flesh.

Summary

What is interesting for me is that I choose the Tarot of Trees to do my trauma work with as I did not want a deck with human figures.  However, one of the things that I really need to work on healing is interdependency.  I need to realize that I can be interdependent with other people without losing my independence.  And trees are incredibly interdependent organisms.

I’m feeling at a career crossroads right now as it feels like I’m just feeding a big corporate beast and while I like my paycheck, the work is soul sucking.  MetroHealth has a job open that is perfect for me, but I know the pay would be a lot less than I make.  I can’t afford to take a huge pay cut, even though that work would satisfy my soul.  I decided to throw the question out to the universe.

Deck:  Sacred Traveler Oracle Cards

First Impressions:   Taking the lead and getting things done

Affirmation;  You are strong beyond measure

Book:  It is time to stand you for yourself and take back your own power.  No longer stand on the sidelines or acquiese to others..  Reclaim your power and let others live their lives.

Guidance:  You no longer have to live your life for others

Major Events this Week:  Nothing major planned this week, it will just be same old same old.

Journaling

WOW!  This card shows me that the universe is in alignment and the work that I am doing is paying off.  The line about no longer living my life for others sent cold chills down my spine as it was such a powerful reminder that all the healing work that I am doing is paying off.  Pulling this card on the day that I did work around my mother’s trauma is incredible.  She raised me to live my life for others so to get the message today that I shouldn’t live my life for others is amazing.  Trauma work is so hard, but it so healing and when there are messages like this that show me what I am doing is having an effect, it is magical.

Trauma is a funny thing as the effects of it pop up in strange ways.  It can mean a cluttered house as a defense mechanism, it can be shutting people out because you are afraid to get hurt, and it can mean flashbacks and other terrors.  I’ve spent a lot of time working to heal from the trauma in my past, but trauma is generational and I am still being impacted by trauma that happened before I was born.  I’ve decided that this is the year I explore and work to heal from generational trauma.  I’m not sure where this journey will take me, but I do know that there will be tears and revelations.

My mother grew up the daughter of a farmer and a factory worker.  Her family moved a lot as a child and she lived in Michigan and Wisconsin.  She was the second child of the family and her older brother was an abuser as he tried to kill her at least twice that I know of.  Her mother chose to ignore her brother’s abuse as he was the golden child.  My grandmother also abused my mother at least emotionally.  

My mother tried to be a good parent and I never wanted for food, clothes, or things that I needed.  However, she did not know how to love and she also believed that as the parent she had the right to unconditional respect.  She thinks that she can dictate how I live my life, even as an adult.  And she believes that everything I do reflects on and revolves around her.  When I was a sophomore in college, I realized that I had a problem with alcohol and went to AA to get help.  Her response was “I didn’t raise a drunken slut who tries to kill herself.”  Never mind that I was a virgin at the time.  As I had been raised to believe in unconditional respect, I did not cut her out of my life then.  

That came when I told her I was separating from my husband and instead of being concerned about my well being, her question was “There isn’t going to be a divorce, is there?”  I was emotionally vulnerable and falling apart and I could not deal with her hateful and bitchy attitude.  That was ten years ago and that was the last time that I talked to my mother.  She has reached out a couple of times, but her letters have been all about her and even though I wrote her and told her how her she had hurt me.  She gave me a vague apology and continued rambling about her.

It hurts a lot to not have a mother in my life and there are so many times when I just want someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay.  I’ve accepted that she can’t be the person that I need/want her to be, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.  As for forgiveness, I don’t know if I can forgive her.  Even though I know that forgiveness is more about letting go of the pain than letting her off the hook, I struggle with forgiving her.  A large part of it is because she is the person who was supposed to love me more than anyone else and she hurt me beyond measure.  My brain knows that hurt people, hurt people, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

The purpose of this spread is to look at my mother’s trauma and how it hurt me.  I know that there will be lots of hours spent examining my mother’s trauma, but I’m going to start small.

What is my mother’s trauma?

At first glance, the Hermit seems an odd card to pull as I don’t think of my mother as lighting a path or as being a font of wisdom.   However, I realize that I need to let go of my tarot brain and look only at the surface.  My mother grew up in a chaotic childhood and I know she didn’t have a lot of friends.  When I look at the hermit as a recluse or someone who keeps to themselves, this card makes sense as she didn’t invite people in because she was ashamed of her family.  When I look at how my grandmother treated her as an adult, I can understand why she did not want to bring friends home.  My grandmother had undiagnosed mental illness and somedays she could be charming and other days the nastiest person alive.  My mother also got teased as a child, which generally means withdrawing.

As an adult, at least when we lived in Maple Park, she had friends, but I think that hermit nature never goes away.  She compensated for the unhappiness of her childhood home, but making us clean the house obsessively, but I think there was a part of her that was always ashamed.  I also believe that she compensated by being a people pleaser.  She was always the one reaching out and she worked to maintain friendships and connections even when the other person did not.   She also raised me to believe that my life was all about other people.  I think she did that because she believed that you could buy friendship with acts and good deeds and she wanted me to have friends.

How does it effect me emotionally?

The six of wands is a celebratory card of success and rising above your circumstances.  My mother’s trauma and her belief that my life was all about other people pushed me to be successful.  I never wanted to live a life dependent upon someone else and I have succeeded.  However, it has come at a cost as I like to be number one and it is hard for me to collaborate with others.  I have to be the best because if I am not the best, it means I am the worst.  That sounds utterly ridiculous, because there is room for a lot of different talents in the world and being okay is really okay.  However, when I hear that someone else did something well, I automatically take that as a slam on me, even though it really has nothing to do with me.

Rising above people and needing to always be the best makes it hard to make friends and to have people in my life who I am close to.  I know this caused issues in my marriage as well because it was hard for me to be a partner.  There is also a good possibility that I picked John because I knew he could never compete with me.  He would never be able to make as much money or lead the way I did.  Although I did not think about it consciously, I needed to be the primary breadwinner because I saw how my mother was subservient to my father as he made the money.  There was no way I could subjugate myself to anyone.  Throughout our marriage, I don’t think I ever gave him room to grow and become someone different.  This in no way excuses the abuse that he subjected me to, but it does help to put things into a different perspective.

How does it effect me effect me spiritually?

The three of swords has been the card that makes the most sense to me in this reading as having a mother who hurts you over and over and over is a betrayal and it did break my heart.  The thing is that when you are growing up with a mother who puts you down, insults you, and raises you to be nothing, you don’t realize that it is abnormal.  You don’t realize that mothers are supposed to love you unconditionally and encourage you to be anything your heart desires.  You don’t realize that mothers are supposed to gently correct instead of publicly humiliate.  

I’ve had problems connecting with and loving people my entire life.  I just don’t trust a lot of people and I am always afraid I am going to get screwed over.  On the flip side is the continual searching for a rescuer, someone to recognize my situation and save me.  It has led me to holding on too tightly to people and freaking them out.  There are times I feel I vacillate between holding on too tight and putting up my armor.  Although some would view these as emotional issues, for me they are spiritual because the wound is spiritual.  She reached inside me and harmed my very soul.

How does it effect me physically?

The knight of swords tells me that I always have my shields up and my sword at the ready.  I always know where the exit is and I keep my muscles tensed when I am around people I don’t trust, which is almost everyone.  It is difficult for me to let my guard down and actually let people in.  When I do, it feels so good as I feel my entire body relaxing.  

This reminds me of the day before the day that John had his heart attack.  I was out running around and having a great day and the thing I remember the most about that day is that my shoulders were lose and didn’t feel tensed up.  The absence of the tension helped me to realize how tense John made me and how much I held that tension in my body.

I also know that my weight is related to my emotions and that at some point along the way, my psyche decided that adding pounds would protect me.  However, the flip side of that is that the pounds are also harming my body.  

A big part of my healing is going to be getting my body and mind in synch and letting down my guard.

How do I heal?

My first thoughts on seeing the ten of pentacles is to find a community to love and support me as a heal.  In some ways that is very ironic because it is a family that caused so much of my trauma.  However, I know from my experience in Al-Anon that I likeminded community can be very healing.  What I found in Al-Anon is that the norms I grew up with as a child were not healthy.  While my mother and the rest of her family, always felt empowered to give unsolicited advice, which was often harmful and hateful.  For instance, the first thing my mother said when she walked into my new house in Arlington Heights was “Why did you put that painting there?”  I mean really, who the hell walks into someone’s house and starts criticizing their decorating.  That is a flat out hateful thing to do.  And the worst part is that she got so hurt and offended if you called her on her shitty behavior.

In contrast, if people in Al-Anon give unsolicited advice, there are people who are quick to point out that that is unacceptable.  I remember when I was on the message boards and was sharing a problem I was having with one of the kids and this one woman started giving me advice and others shut her down.  I need to find a community of people who will love and accept me.  I’m not sure where that community is as Al Anon i always such a hit or miss proposition with some groups being awesome and others not so much.  I will turn it over to my higher power.

   February 11, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Receiving, making decisions, non-rational material, nightmares

Book:  Anxiety, terror, nightmares, obsession

Guidance:  Don’t make decisions from a position of anxiety

Journaling:

I needed this card today as the toilet overflowed and was running for three or four hours, which means that the floor got soaked and it flooded the downstairs.  My immediate reaction of course was panic and that I need to get it all dried out, etc. etc.  However, we turned off the water and I was able to take a step back and let go of the panic and deal with the situation.  Cam cleaned up the junk downstairs and got rid of 7 bags of paper and garbage.  That was something we needed to do and would not have happened if we hadn’t had the floor.

I also called the plumber and he will be out Wednesday, I’m renting a blower to dry out the basement, and we’ll call an electrician to look at the light.  it is all good and we will make it all work.  It was really hard to take a step back and look at this from a rational perspective and not an emotional and panicky response.  I think I’ve just felt like I’ve gotten body blow after body blow this week so it was hard.

Where I’m At:  I’m home this week sitting in  my house that feels like it is falling down around me, but this is what it means to be a homeowner and I will make it work.

Mood:  I was in a super bad and horrible mood this morning after dealing with the toilet, but I’m in a much better mood today.

Weather:   It is 39 and rainy.  The snow is getting dark and gross

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 76%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:26 PM / 5:55 PM

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Note:  The last few days and tomorrow will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I’m pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I’m working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question:  What is the new world that is being revealed?

First Impressions:  Fears, light, not being able to sleep

Book:  Worries are not real

Dark Goddess Book:  Fear is getting in the way of seeing the truth

Guidance:  Time will bring clarity

Dark Goddess Guidance:  Separate what you wish for, what you expect, and what you dread in order to see clearly

Journaling

I’m realizing that there is a world out there where I will be able to express my fears and move on with my life.  Sometimes I think it is holding in our fears that holds us back.  My greatest fear is that I am fundamentally unlovable and that there is something wrong with me.  However, I’m realizing through reading books like the Shadow Daughter and others that there is nothing wrong with me.  I am a beautiful, loving, funny, and amazing person.  It is not my fault that my mother cannot love me and treat me with the respect I deserve.  That is about her and is not a fundamental flaw in who I am.  Even though I’ve grown tremendously in the last few years, I’m realizing that there has always been a little piece of my soul that has believed I am unworthy of love because of how my mother raised me.  However, I now know that that is not true and that she is incapable of truly loving.  It makes me sad and i feel compassion for her, but at the end of the day, it is not about me at all.

Rereading her letter through grownup eyes instead of the eyes of a child helped me to realize that my perceptions are correct as the letter was all about her and about her need to have her family.  It was not about us at all, instead it was about how her friends are having great grandkids so she wants great grandkids to show off.  It is as if we were to be used as pawns in her game of one upmanship with her friends instead of being appreciated for who we are.  That’s a cold and harsh reality and I know that there is a little part of me that wishes it wasn’t so and that hopes I’m wrong, but I’m not wrong and that is really who she is.  I don’t need that in my life anymore.

The Banshee tells me to acknowledge those dark bits of my soul, but to let go of them and to know that they are fears and that I am can let go of them and let them fly off into the night like her crows.

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Nightmare, being kept up at nights

Book:  Truth will come with morning

Guidance:  Most of our fears are illusions.  Time will bring clarity

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me because I do a good job of getting myself swirly about what I think is going to happen, then I waste a lot of time worrying which makes my life more difficult.  Then most of the time the thing I was worried about doesn’t even happen.  I was annoyed and pissed off about the thought of having to go to Nidec, then St. Louis.  Well my trip to St. Louis got postponed so I will actually get some time at home.  That has happened to me so many times lately where I have worried and agonized over something that did not come to fruition. 

One of the things that I need to remind myself to do is to take a deep breath when I start to get swirly.  Most of the things that I worry about don’t end up happening.  And even if they did end up happening, most of them are manageable anyway.  And sometimes when I do drop a ball, that’s okay as most of the balls I drop are not the end of the world.  Most of them are things that don’t even matter.  I do keep my eyes on the big balls and the ones that matter and I work hard not to drop those balls.

One of the reasons that I’m so swirly right now is that my biggest nightmare is being stuck in this job.  I’m tired of traveling and it is taking a huge toll on my life.  It is hard to form relationships, I feel trapped, etc. etc.  However, if that is the message that I’m putting out there, it’s no wonder that I’m miserable.  I need to start asking for what I want instead of bitching about what I don’t have.  Once Cam’s trial is over, I am going to start doing some major job magic.

July 7, 2019

Deck: World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Nightmares, confronting our deepest fears, terrifying visions, anxiety,

Guidance:  Look to your intuition for guidance

Journaling

I’ve been binge watching Anthony Bourdain lately and it has me thinking about nightmares and those thoughts that wake you in the middle of the night and convince you that you can’t go on.  I’ve had my share of dark nights of the soul and there have been a lot of times that I am convinced that I can’t wake up one  more morning and go about my pathetic little life.  I’ve convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, but since I’ve ended up in the hospital for those thoughts and have endured the worst of the worst, I’ve realized that life does go on and in most cases it does get better.  I hold Anthony Bourdain close because he is a reminder that what people see is not always what’s real.  People who may appear to the outside world as if they have it all together often don’t.  They are often struggling and hurting inside and no one knows what’s going on inside their souls.

Souls can be scary places to navigate and it is often in the deepest darkest recesses of our souls that we encounter shame, guilt, and self-hatred.  There are monsters in our souls and they often originated outside of ourselves in the voices of people who told us that we couldn’t do something, or that we weren’t good enough, or that we were bad, or a million other lies.  If we are told such lies often enough, we begin to believe them.  Those lies seep into our soul and mingle with our own traces of self doubt until they are stronger than we would like and they whisper to us in the dark of the night that we’re not worthy, that the world would be a better place without us.  It doesn’t matter how smart we are, how strong we are, how competent we are as those voices in the night can convince us we are nothing.

The voices often show up during the day as well, but it is easier to ignore them in the light.  It is easier to surround ourselves with people who can boost our ego and remind us that we are okay.  It is easier to tally up our accomplishments and realize we matter.  The sunlight shines bright light into the corners and chases away the boogeyman.  However, if we don’t do the hard work of therapy and self discovery, we may not be able to drive the shadows out of our soul.

RIP Anthony Bourdain

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April 9, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Nightmares, anxiety

Book:  Despair, sorrow, nightmares, grief, death

Guidance:  Prepare for the worst situation, could not have been avoided, are things as bad as they appear?

Journaling

I always view this card as a reminder that nightmares happen.  It does not mean that they are reality.  I need to let go of my fears and worries and focus more on what I can control.  I can’t control what Darshan does, I can’t control what Gadino does.  The only person I have agency over is me.  I spend so much time worrying about what other people do and say when in reality there is nothing I can do to control others.

December 29, 2018

I needed this reminder today.  I am all swirly over John when in reality there is nothing I can do.  He is no longer my problem.  His health is no longer my problem.  His financial issues are no longer my problem.  Absolutely nothing that he does is my problem and I need to let go and let whatever happens happens. 

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November 21, 2017

Deck:  Gilded tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Crossing her arms to protect her heart, troubled by big problems

Guidance:  Reach out and get the comfort and wisdom you need, allow someone to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

I need to hear this reading about asking for help.  I don’t do such a god job of asking for help.  I tend to hold things in and not let other people in.  The only time I ever truly let people in was right after my divorce and I was so shattered and broken.  The pain was so tremendous that I could not contain it.  I spewed because this pain was horrible.  However, as I’ve healed, I’ve receded into myself.  I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. 

I’m not a recluse and it is not as if I’ve been hiding in a hovel and never venturing out.  I go out and I interact, but I’m standoffish and not thrilled about doing the work it takes to know people.

November 25, 2017

I need to make some time for me.  I am so caught in in Cam that I’m not taking care of me.  I need to step back from her and trust she is in the Goddess’ hand.  I need to let go of my need to hold on so tight.  If I don’t make time to take care of me, I will end up angry and resentful.  I also need to let go and trust.

November 9, 2018

It’s so interesting that this theme of vulnerability has been coming up again and again.  I need to start trusting people and letting them in.  I think knowing that I can be fierce will help me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  This year is going to be all about exploring vulnerability and being more open with other people.  I’m really scared about this, but I know it is something that I really need to do.

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November 8, 2017

Deck; Gilded tarot

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance:  Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people.  I reached out to the UU’s stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me.  Not one of the people reached out to say, “Hope your daughter is okay.”  Instead they just harassed me and were rude.  Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way.  What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt?  I would have said I’m sorry and asked what I could do.  However, not one of those bitches did that.  I don’t want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it.  It isn’t that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I’m getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true.  My daughter was abducted and assaulted.  There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead.  Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.

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December 12, 2017

Nine of Air Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds.  When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that’s what this card makes me think of.  In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her.  This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book:  If you would known, do not fear to see.  Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries.  She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance:  Do not give fears a priority when making a decision.  Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today.  Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the “I’m fired” path.  That makes no sense at all because I’ve been billable and we’re gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went.  I’m learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do.  I’m so mean to myself even when I’ve done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am.  I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

• Stop what I’m doing and breathe
• Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
• Roll with the situation and see what comes of it

December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that’s something easy I can remember.  I’ve come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I’m not there yet.  The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I’ve felt.  Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can’t react or I won’t have a job.  It’s one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.  

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I’m no longer in an abusive relationship.  It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault.  I’m learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way.  It is all a process and the best thing is that I don’t have to have all the answers right now.

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April 24, 2016

Nine of Air Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Journaling:

The nine of air is a card of deep sorrow and grieving.  As my physical strength has been stripped away, I find I have no energy for pretense or illusion.  There is a deep grief at the core of my being:  grief over my desire for happily ever after, grief over the fact that I am alone.

This card is about all that binds me to the past.  It is also about trusting that she will take care of me.  It is about letting go and being willing to sacrifice my dreams.  That’s hard for me as I’m scared of being alone and I feel my life isn’t valuable if I’m alone.  However, the flip side is that I am so afraid of being hurt that I don’t let people in.  Even though it is lonely, it is so much easier to hold people at arm’s length then to let them in.  I guess I just have to trust the goddess.

December 24, 2017

This card still resonates with me as I find myself clinging to the old ways of doing things and my old thought patterns.  She has appeared to me multiple times to tell me to let go and I have started to let go, but sometimes when I get scared or stressed, I start clinging to things that I shouldn’t cling to.

 I am super excited because I just got the Radiant Tarot and it includes creative activities for each card.  I’ve been looking for ways to boost my creativity and this is a pretty easy way to do it.  My plan is to pull a card each week and do and share the creative exercise as well as reflections.