Author: Raine Shakti

The eight of cups challenge this week hit a little close to home.  The challenge was to decide what I would take with me if I had to flee a burning house.  Unfortunately, one of my fellow City Dog owners posted on the board about coming home to find her home filled with smoke and soot.  She managed to rescue her dog, Otis, and two fosters, but Otis suffered severe smoke inhalation and died three days later.  She said that he waited for her to come and say goodbye.

My heart was broken after reading that story.  It is hard enough to say goodbye to a pet when they have had a good life and a decision is made to say goodbye and let them go.  However, puppers should not die this way.  I’ve been pondering this question ever since I saw her post and having the prompt on it just made me think a little harder.

I love my house and most of the things in it have been curated to bring me joy and most things have memories associated with them.  However, if I had to choose what stays and what goes, it’s a pretty easy decision.

My funny and smart firstborn Sean comes with me.  He works so hard and has such a good heart.  There are days when he drives me nuts and he has a bit of a temper, but I treasure the boy.  He was so funny the other day as he did an interpretive dance to “Clark the Shark.”  The first time he did it, I was stunned as that is not his usual style.  The second time he took my phone away so I couldn’t fill him.  He was filled with such love and joy.  And he takes such good care of the dogs, he gets grump with Da Wen, but he loves her.

My brave, strong and courageous girl is also coming with me.  Cam is such an inspiration as she has been dealt some rough blows by life, but she just keeps getting up.  She has gotten stronger and tougher, but she has never lost her soft heart.  She has just learned how to shield when she needs to.  I find it so interesting that she is working as a tutor even though she says she hates kids.  However, she says she likes her job, so who am I to argue.

Wendy is definately coming with me as she is my heart.  I never knew that I could love a dog as much
as I love her.  She is sweet, funny, bossy, and opinionated.  She has a lot of really bad traits such as barking at people, being a bed hog, and getting into things she shouldn’t get into.  However,  she shares a lot of those not so positive traits with me and knowing that I love her in spite of those traits helps me to love myself.

Then there is Clark.  He is actually a lot sweeter than Wendy and he is a true cuddlebug.  He has a truly outsize personality and I will forever be grateful to him for saving Cam after her assault.  We got Clark 10 days after it happened and Clark saved her in ways that I don’t think anyone else could have.  He was always there for her, he snuggled her, loved her, and made her feel safe.  

I will also take my memories with me, but I’m realizing that I don’t need pictures and stuff to have memories.

Deck:  Sacred Traveler Oracle

First Impressions:  Positive energy, drawing guidance from the moon

Book:  Inner and outer healing is taking place right now

Guidance:  Healing energy flows through you

Major Events this Week:  This is an incredibly stressful week as I have four major meetings.  I also have some major school projects taking place

Journaling

I love this image as I feel her healing energy coming out from the card.  This card makes me think of Reiki and how energy flows from the universe into my body.  What I’m taking from this card is that I need to do some energy work and to let go of a lot of things.  The trauma work that I am doing is really helping me to identify and resolve issues, but I also have to be open to energy healing and to letting go of things that are holding me back.

The biggest issue that I am holding on to is my grudges and anger toward my mother.  I have gotten to the point where I can let go of my anger toward her in principle as I know that she doesn’t have the knowledge and skills that I do.  And I can let go of anger toward her because I would not hold someone without skills responsible for something they cannot do.  I can let go of my anger at her raising me to be a second class citizen as that just made me angry and made me push harder to be my own person.  I can let go of her embarrassing me in public, she has no clue as to what a filter is.  I’ve let go of her thinking women are to be barefoot and pregnant and have no value outside of that.  Again, that pissed me off and made me work harder to become who I am.  She fundamentally damaged me, but the overwhelming realization I’ve had through the work I’ve been doing is that it was not personal.  It wasn’t about me, it was about her and her inadequacies.

The problem is that I can deal with the pain she inflicted conceptually, but I cannot deal with her.  I cannot deal with her continuing to belittle me and make me feel less than.  I know it is her shit and not mine, but it still feels demeaning.  I honestly don’t know if it is possible to have a relationship with her in this realm.

 To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for February is:

Loving

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

Beginning of the Month Reading

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

Love is a hard emotion for me as there is a part of me that stopped believing in romantic love and happily ever after.  It feels like for some reason the gods don’t feel I am worth of romantic love and I’m not good enough.  I don’t know why and it really hurts to feel that way.  I know that I love my kids and my dogs.  I also know that I have love in my heart, but it feels like no one will ever love me the way I deserve to be loved.  There was a part of me that wanted to change this card, however I chose these words at the beginning of the year and I have learned a lot from my choices of clarity and nurturing, so maybe I will learn something about love as well.

What does loving mean for me right now?

What do I need to learn about loving?

What do I need to do to bring loving into my life?

What benefits will I have bringing loving into my life?

The nine of swords is traditionally thought of as a negative card as it is the card of nightmares and of terrors visiting when we are vulnerable.  However, the creative prompt for this card was to create the world that I want to live in.  I had to think a lot about that this week as the real world is being torn apart by war.  I also had to think a lot about how I wanted to represent this world.  I spent a lot of time this week thinking about the world I wanted to live in and I finally pulled out some markers and drew my perfect world.

 To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for February was:

Nurturing

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

End of the Month Reading

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

What does nurture mean for me right now?

In a totally wild ” coincidence,” I pulled the Five of Wands, which is the card I pulled at the beginning of the month.  I learned that nurturing can involve conflict both with myself and with others.  Sometimes my ideas of what other people need may be at odds with what they think they need.  And this card is telling me that as long as the other person is in their right mind, I need to step back and let them live their own life.  That’s too funny as at the beginning of the month, I was complaining because Cam was thinking about not taking the job at Metro.  She ended up pulling herself out of the running for that position and there is a part of me that thinks she made the wrong decision.  However, at the end of the day she needs to be happy.

What do I need to do to continue bringing nurturing into my life?

What benefits has  nurturing brought into my life?

March 5, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Stardust, seduction, pulling strings

Book:  Addiction, liberation, freedom from vices, healing found in darkness

Guidance: Witness and release your own shadows  

Journaling:

The invitation into the dark is a sacred one.  I followed the siren call of the darkness after my divorce and I found it a healing and seductive place.  There is seduction in staying curled into a ball and ignoring the world around me.  There was seduction in exploring my own history and there was a temptation to play the victim.  So much of who we are came about because of other people.  My parents shaped me with my embracing some of the lessons, rejecting others, and absorbing still others unconsciously.  I’ve consciously rejected my mother’s racist and judgmental attitudes, but there are times when I see someone and her voice plays in my head as I judge people for how they look, what they wear, etc.  There is a part of me that is ashamed when I hear that voice.  However, I’m also learning to be kind to myself and to realize that like everyone I am a product of my history and just because I think it does not mean I say it.

I also realize that the ability to go willingly into the darkness is privilege.  Some people do not have the time or the energy to delve into their subconscious.  And other people get pulled into the darkness through addiction.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting on the living room couch in the calm.  There is work to be done, but sometimes it is just nice to 

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day today as it hit 70 and it felt so warm outside.  If it is this nice tomorrow, I’m going to hang out outside.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 9%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 / 6:22

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 January 14, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Sadness, under someone’s thumb, inability to act on one’s own

Book:  Inner demons, hidden parts we are ashamed of

Guidance:  If we can release our inner demons, enormous energy will be released and darkness becomes light

Journaling

It’s interesting that even though I know better, my first impression of the devil is always of being under someone else’s control and being abused by some external force.  In reality, the devil is about giving our control away and choosing to be a victim.  It is about choosing to believe the ugly words that people say about us, it is about choosing to do things that do not make us proud of ourselves, and it is choosing to believe we have no power in our lives.  There are things that happen to us that are outside of our control, but all too often we choose to make those things about us when they often aren’t.  I’m sitting here after a client blew me off for a morning meeting for the second time in a week.  Ten years ago, my reaction would have been to make it about me, but now I realize that it isn’t about me at all, but is all about her.   Ten years ago if someone cut me off, I would have made it personal, but now I realize it is not about me.  And even if things are about me, I have a choice to believe or not believe what people say.

This is another lesson I learned in Al-Anon, that the world does not revolve around me and that choosing to be a victim is in some ways another way of being arrogant and looking for attention.  While being arrogant says I’m so wonderful, being a victim says that I’m a poor pitiable creature and I need you to take care of me because I cannot take care of myself.  I used to be that poor pitiable creature who needed everyone to validate that I had a right to exist.  As I started to grow and heal, I realized where those ideas about myself came from and I worked hard to squash them and develop my own sense of personhood.  I’ve learned my strengths and my weaknesses and by learning to accept all of me, I’m learning to mitigate the effects of my weaknesses.

July 6, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Rock Star, Hedonism

Book:  Lord of Obsession, Baser Instincts, embodying all of our shadow instincts, light and dark muse coexist

Guidance:  Look at the part of yourself you have repressed or denied, seek the road between inhibition and compulsion, seek pleasure without shame, explore all of us

Journaling

The devil is a card that I always struggled with and that always scared me because I know that obsession and addiction can ruin lives.  However, the Devil has a valuable lesson to teach us and that is managing our hedonism and accepting that pleasure does not have to be addictive.  There are times when we are so afraid of feeling good or having nice things that we say no to everything.  Working with Devil energy means knowing when to say no and when to say yes.  I will always say no to drugs or things that could seriously harm me, but I can find balance in my life when it comes to other hedonistic pleasure. 

I know I have an addictive personality and I will never say yes to hard drugs because I know they have the potential to destroy my life.  I am learning to balance my addictions to food and learning when to say yes and when to say no.  I’ve learned that if I have a really high quality treat and I make it special, it is satisfying.  However, if I continually say yes to drugstore chocolate or subpar treats, I will eat more and more of them because they are not satisfying.  I’m also learning that I have to say no at the grocery store because generally I won’t go back out to get junk food, but if I say yes in the grocery store, I will eat and eat and eat until it is gone. 

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April 18, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card Name:  Pan, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Slave to desires

Book:  Not being in harmony, not being chained, chains falling off

Guidance:  rules of nature apply to external and unbalanced world.  Look at our own addictive behavior.  Elevate a sense of humor, search for the light

Affirmation:  I am not a slave to my addictions

Journaling:

It’s time for me to let go of my addictions and crutches and to trust the universe that it will all be okay.  I am stronger than I know and I am going to be okay.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Another card of surrender and trust.  I need to surrender, but I’m not sure what I need to surrender.  I need to surrender my need to control.  I need to release and open myself to receive.  I have so many barricades built around me that it is hard for anyone to get close to me.

January 15, 2022  Revisit

One of the most important lessons I have learned over the last few years is that not everything is under my control.  The New Age world preaches that we create our own reality, but that is not 100% true.  There are factors that are outside of our control that impact our reality.  We need to look at what is and what is not under our control when we consider creating our own reality.

I hate to go back to John as an example, but I’m going to.  He says that he did not get the opportunity to go to college and graduate, but that is not true.  I was willing to pay for him to go to college on Okinawa, but he blew it because he wanted to go to college three nights a week and go bowling and do other things and expected me to work all day and come home and take care of the kids and the house.  I was not signing up for that.  If he had been reasonable about it, he could have come home from Okinawa with a degree.  He also had the opportunity to get tuition reimbursement at Standard Parking and he chose not to.  Those were choices.  He also chose to buy a house pretty much sight unseen and now he is realizing what a dump it is and he has  no money to fix it.  Those were also choices he made.

We are seeing more and more people sick with covid and they are sick because they chose not to get the vaccine.  That is there choice, but unfortunately other people are adversely impacted by that choice.  

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October 25, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Trapped in uncomfortable choices

Book:  Liberation from restrictions, defeat, release, severance, seeker will overcome evil, tempting fates

Guidance:  Remove what is holding you in bondage

Journaling

This card resonated with me today as it is about accepting and acknowledge all of me.  It is about not denying my shadow aspects.  I don’t have to indulge them, but I need to own them.  I’ve also realized that owning and accepting doesn’t mean I no longer work to grow and change.  It just means I am kind to the lost little girl who needs emotional support.

May 25, 2018

Interesting to read this today as last night I took Cam to Dillards and we bought underwear.  I was taken back to the year I started college and my dad took me shopping for clothes.  I bought expensive silk underwear and I bought this amazing swimsuit.  It was one piece, but it had buttons on the side and high cut thighs.  It was in no way racy, but it made me look and feel good about myself.  However, my stupid relatives had to shame me for having a nice body and wanting to show it off.  That was wrong of them.  I was doing nothing wrong and I was not responsible for their puritan beliefs. 

I don’t still have the awesome body that  had when I was in college, but my body is mine and it deserves to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve love and respect.  And love and respect means feeding myself healthy and nourishing foods that are good for me in the long term and don’t just give me a short term sugar high.

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September 13, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Initial Thoughts:  There is a musical note between the figures that is kind off interesting.  Additionally, the Devil has an upside down pentacle on his forehead.  He also makes me think of a puppet pulling strings.  When I see this card, I think of choices as the couple is not tied up and it appears they could flee if they wanted  to escape.  This card also reminds me that bondage is sometimes personal choice.  I also think about our devotion t o addictions such as sex and materialism.

Book:  Being held in bondage, undesirable forces, chained down by materialism, temptation, call to awaken to responsibility, integrate and channel the life force.

Guidance:  Live in balance.  Accept the wealth the world has to offer.

Journaling

Since the DruidCraft deck was my first tarot deck, I always think about Cernunous when I see this card.   He is the horned god of the hunt and in that deck the “devil” is not evil, but a force to be channeled.  Overindulging is what puts is unto bondage.

This card like so many tarot carts speaks for balance.  It is when we get out of balance that life becomes unmanageable and addictions are a good indication that life is unmanageable.  This card could also be speaking to me of my need to break my sugar addiction.  I know it is killing me, but I still shovel sugar in my mouth.  I’m not sure how to break the addiction and get back on track.  I need to ask for guidance.

December 21, 2017
I’m getting chills as I read what I wrote because today while Cam and I were out walking, I talked about how so many stories about addiction don’t talk about the spiritual side of healing and the need to ask for help to take the addiction away.  I know when I was in college and was drinking too much, it was AA that truly helped me to break the addiction.  Asking for help and turning my addiction over to a higher power truly helped me to heal.  It didn’t make it easy, but it did help me to recover.

It was a higher power that also helped me to deal with my codependency after my marriage imploded.  By turning it over to a higher power, I was able to find the strength to heal and to leave behind some of my addictive and co-dependent behavior.

Dearest ones,

I admit that I am powerless over sugar and my life and health has become unmanageable.  I know that you can help me with this addiction and I am humbling asking you to do so and to take away my cravings for the sugar that is slowly killing me.

Thank you,
Raine

March 1, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Crisp clean air, relaxed, wisdom, wild flowers give us a bit of love

Book:  Clear thinker, strong communicator, blending mental and spiritual pursuits, bravery and courage

Guidance:   Be courageous in the pursuit of your path

Journaling:

I love what this card represents as it is about being clear headed and using logic.  I am battling the awful M again as she seems to think she is the Queen Bee in our department, but in reality she is a sucky little no-nothing toad.  What I like about this card is that it tells me to use my logic and my communication skills to defeat her.  It isn’t really that she is standing in my way, it is that she thinks she knows all that and she is an annoying little twit.  

This card also tells me to be courageous in the pursuit of my path.  The problem is that I’m not exactly sure what my path is.  I know that I don’t want to work where I’m at forever, but I do want to make the same paycheck I make.  That puts me in a quandary a what is the right path for me.  Maybe this card is telling me to use logic instead of my heart to figure that out.  If I look at what my path should be from a pure logic perspective, it is about work and the money.  Maybe the solution is to find a way to volunteer and help people while still making money.

Where I’m At:  We went out to Yours Truly for dinner and it was awesome to just be out in public and to see people.  Note:  I’m actually writing this on 03/04 as this was an insane week.

Weather:  It was crisp, but not too cold.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 2%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:01 am / 6:17 pm

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January 21, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Journaling:

This is an appropriate card for me today as I’m feeling super defensive and attacked.  It feels as if the terrible twosome gets to be as horrible as possible, but anytime I say anything nasty about them, I’m the bad guy.  However, at the end of the day I just got a good review and I always deliver so those two can just suck it.  I know that the boy is just a worthless little twit who thinks he knows more than he does and the girl just wants to impress people with how wonderful she is when really she is an idiot.

What I need to remember is that their being idiots is about them and not about me.  If my boss is so weak willed that he listens to those two idiots, then that isn’t someone that I want to work for and I will find another job as soon as I am vested in my retirement.  I’ve switched jobs before so I can switch jobs again, I just have to let it go and just focus on doing my work and not on all the drama.

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December 29, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Wisdom, punishment guided by wisdom, overseeing, strength

Book: Symbol for patience, perserverance, and judgement

Guidance:  Loyalty, unwavering devotion, connection between heaven and earth

Journaling:

Griffins are guardians of rivers of gold and exhibit both wisdom and strength.  This card is telling me to guard what is mine, but to use wisdom to do so.  A griffin would have the wisdom to know if someone was truly a threat or not and I need to exhibit the same wisdom.  This is an interesting reading for me because there are times when I do not truly use wisdom to determine if I am being threatened.  In those instances, I go on the offensive and make sure someone knows not to mess with me, even if there is no real threat.

I’ve been doing that a lot at work as there is someone I view as a threat and I need to be incredibly defensive about everything she says and I am probably a lot meaner than I need to be.  This is one of those instances where I am competing instead of collaborating.  In my defense, I do have a broader range of experience than she does and she does a hell of a lot of annoying things (like not taking no for an answer), but I should take a step back and breathe before going on the attack.

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August 27, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Arthur, decisions, journeys

Book: Power and authority from divine right

Guidance:  Cut though confusion by speaking the truth in a firm and fair way.  Stand in the power of your divine right to follow your own mind.

Journaling:

I love the messaging around this as it is so through that being direct and speaking clearly without emotion really helps to cut through the BS.  I have a client who gets into blaming us and trying to make us responsible for all their shortcomings.  I have learned that I just need to pull my energy in and be very direct about what needs to be done.  There is no room for emotion and for taking things personally.  I have learned that when I take things personally and make it all about me, things generally go better than when I am able to take the emotion out of it and focus on the facts.  The other lesson I learned from Ted is that instead of saying “you made me feel…” something I should just focus on I feel.  As he said, there is no arguing with my feelings as people cannot tell me that I don’t feel something and it is also difficult to discount facts.  When I can approach things that way, I’m able to have much more productive conversations.

Sometimes it is really hard to open up and to own my feelings, but when I am able to have these hard conversations and admit how I am really feeling, my life is so much better.  I’m learning that sometimes just saying what I am feeling helps me to work through the feelings.  I realize that it is odd to be writing about feelings when writing about the King of Swords, but the message I cam getting is that the King of Swords can help us cut away that veil that prevents us from seeing and feeling our own feelings.  We get so caught up in being afraid of our feelings or thinking that our feelings are not socially acceptable, that we hide them or stuff them down in a desperate attempt to not feel.  However, when we can use the King of Swords to cut away the veil and let them out, we can speak our truth with clarity.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful that for the yummy Greek potatoes

I’m grateful I got to leave work in a timely manner

I’m grateful that the weather was clear

I’m grateful for the yummy hot fudge sundae

I’m grateful for the warm and snuggly bed

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July 10, 2018

Deck:  Rider-Waite

First Impressions:  Drive, taking action, communication

Book:  Directly facing all who approach him, intelligent, reliable man in authority, power, strength, logical, and rational

Guidance:  Don’t cross the king, be flexible and innovative, continue moving forward

Journaling:

It’s time for me to be decisive and begin making plans to move forward.  I don’t know exactly what the future looks like, but I know it is time to start figuring it out.

December 30, 2018 Review

What I am finding so amazing about reading through past posts is how much I have changed my life by taking time to read through and analyze my past posts.  It is so helpful to get it all out on the page.  It just helps to have it there instead of festering.  And going back and looking at it with a fresh set of eyes makes it so much less scary.

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September 25, 2017

Gilded Tarot Note:  Card was reversed

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Be kinder

Book:  Biased decision, dismissing feelings, not playing by the rules, suspending judgement, ruthless action, accept you cannot change people, lack of decisiveness

Guidance:  Feel More, judge and analyze less

Journaling

I don’t make decisions decisively and implement them when they come to my body.  I know sugar is really bad for me and makes me feel horrible, but I keep sucking it down  I need to let go.  I’m also not very decisive about my X decision.  I let go, then snatch it back.  I need to just let go.

July 8, 2018 Review

Letting go is really hard for me.  I need to figure out why sugar has such a draw for me.  No, I don’t.  Sugar is a physically addictive substance and I am addicted.  This is not about me being weak or having a lack of willpower.  It is literally about being addicted to a substance.  I need to go back to the 12 steps and apply them to sugar.  I am just addicted.  I think I am going to try going to Food Addicts Anonymous meetings to see if that helps.  I’m going to order the literature, then make a decision about the meeting

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April 7, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First impressions:  Decisiveness

Book:  Grounded and stable, cut away truth from untruth

Guidance:  Watch so the sword is not critical or sharp to himself or others, bel tolerant, be supportive

Affirmation;  I am kind in my decisions

Journaling

I needed to hear this today because I’ve been doing a lot of beating up on myself.  I am human and not perfect.  I need to accept me for who I am.  The past few weeks have also helped me to better understand why John is with someone.  When you’re lonely, it would be really easy to accept the first guy that looks as you, as if you might think someone is better than no one.  However, after spending 22 years with someone who didn’t love me, I’d rather have the loneliness I feel over the pain of rejection and abuse.  I’m also not going to settle.  Why should I lower my standards/  I will not settle for anything other than unconditional love because that’s what I deserve.  I deserve someone who makes me laugh, who loves me no matter what and who is there for me no matter what.

John was never that person.  His primary goal was always to bring me down a notch.  I should have let him go all those lifetimes agin.

May 15, 2017

Opening my heart and listening is hard for me.  I’m so glad tarot is helping me find a way to open to healing.

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October 23, 2016

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Mastery of one’s thoughts

Book:  Compromise, Fairness, Consider other points of view

Guidance:  Be fair and objective, listen to others, be intellectually honest

May 25, 2018

Interesting, I did not journal when I pulled this card originally.  I’m sure it is because I was super busy and caught up in work.  I love this card.  Most people would take it as a reminder to listen to other people’s points of view, but I consider it a reminder to value my own point of view.  My upbringing by the Bitch taught me to value other people over myself so it is second nature for me to discount my own beliefs to appease others.  However, recently I have begun valuing my own point of view and truly listening to and asserting myself.

That is really uncomfortable for me because it feels like I am sticking myself out there and setting myself up to be stomped on, but it is important that I assert myself and make my thoughts and feelings known.  It was uncomfortable this week at work as I had to assert myself regarding the demo we were doing and sometimes it felt as if I was a broken record, but in the end I got support and we ended up including OCM and it was great as they guys wove it into their presentation seamlessly.

Asserting myself and standing up for myself feels uncomfortable and there are times when I feel as if I have two speeds:  Door Mat and Freight train, but that is because in the past, I did not do a good job of asserting myself until I got really pissed off and then it seemed as if it was the first time I had said something, when in reality no one had chosen to listen to me before.

John was wrong in calling me a freight train because he chose not to take responsibility for our lives or anything that was happening so because I was willing to assert myself and take responsibility, I was a freight train.  The reality of the matter is that if he had chosen to be an equal partner in our marriage, we would have not had all the problems that we had.  Instead, he chose to be passive and as a result, I was viewed as domineering.

It is so valuable to look back on my marriage through the lens of time and see that all the horror and pain he put me through were not really about me at all, but were about his own self esteem issues and his own inadequacies.

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October 1, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:  I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment.  He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land.  I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak.  He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle.  The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book:  Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance:  Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts.  April opened up to me about her life growing up and what’s going on in her life now.  It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was.  It doesn’t mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017 Review

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother.  I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before.  I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me.  There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself.  However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her.  That’s something she has to want and to work for herself.  However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

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September 12, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

Immediate Response:  Although this card appears cold and icy, it isn’t as the tree still has green on.  I love the purple embellishment on his sword as it takes an object that is cold and icy and humanizes it.  I also like the cloak clasp as it mirrors his standard which you can partially see in the background.  This card as well as my tarot knowledge says that this king is decisive and has the ability to make good decisions, but he might also be a little rigid.

Book:  Intellectual, stern, tendency to be too rigid, guardian of social order.

Guidance:  Be flexible, make decisions, hold boundaries

Journaling:  The last few days have been about flexibility and going with the flow for me so it is interesting that this card came up.  I have been deliberately working on going with the flow and not being rigid so I’m not sure what the guidance is here.  Have I been too flexible?  Maybe this card is suggesting that I be a little more rigid and maintain better boundaries, especially around work.  I’m not exactly sure how I would do that as these people are nuts.  I’m going to have to give this some thought.  Maybe there are ways I can more provide more structure.

December 21, 2017 Review

Interesting to review this a year out of the situation.  All of the things that seemed so important at the time and so urgent aren’t important any more and I don’t even remember what all the drama was at at the time.  I do know that I was working at Gateway in Chicago and they were kind of nuts.  They had chosen the wrong solution and were trying to make it fix and it wasn’t working.  They didn’t do a good job with order and structure.

I’m also learning that overall I don’t do a good job with boundaries and I’m struggling with that now as my client wants to meet every day next week even though I’m on PTO and the rest of the team is.  However, being a consultant means sucking it up and doing what needs to be done.  Not sure how to set boundaries when the expectation is to be available.  Again, I’ll have to figure out how to set those boundaries.

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February 28, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Different perspective, grasping for things one cannot achieve, looking into the light

Book:  Surrendering to the will of the cosmos, a deliberate pause, letting go, acceptance, re-aligning with your heart and purpose

Guidance:   Push beyond your current boundaries

Journaling:

This is a card I needed to pull today.  Surrender to the will of the cosmos.  I always want to control the outcomes and know the next step, but maybe I just need to surrender my need to know and just continue to do the next right thing.  The next right thing is to put out there what I want and need and to surrender to what comes.  Maybe I just need to accept that my current job is just  job.  I don’t need to be passionate about it.  I don’t even need to like it a whole lot.  I just need to focus on what I can control.  I need to quit thinking beyond the actual work.

Eventually, things will change as long as I am focusing on what needs to be done and keeping myself open to opportunities.  It may be that this job is a good place to be because I can do the stupid work and spend my own time on what matters to me.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting at home this week about to watch one of the three shows I watch this week.  The house is calm and live is good.

Weather: It’s actually nice outside.  It’s not too cold

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 6%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:02 am / 6:16 pm

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Note:  This and the next few cards include a mixture of messages from the Tarot de St. Croix and Dark Goddess Tarot as I’m working through messages from this month.

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Heart chakra, halo, finding balance

Dark Goddess Tarot

Journaling

Tiamet was the Goddess of the Month and in the Dark Goddess Tarot she is the Hanged One.  As I pulled cards for this month, I was struck by a sense of dread and dislike.  It made me want to throw my tarot cards out the window as the messages of the cards I pulled were deep and scary and there was so much truth that I wanted to hide and ignore the messages that I was being given.  Before plunging into the reading, I needed to journal on the Goddess of the Month and on the need to surrender.  Surrender is not something that I’m comfortable with as I often equate surrender  with giving up and giving up is not something I like to do.  In the past, I’ve fought to the death to avoid surrendering, even if surrender was the smart thing to do. 

However, over the last few years I’ve learned that surrendering to circumstances or surrendering to the gods is different than surrendering to a person.  In my family of origin, surrender was viewed as weakness and if you surrendered you were likely to be humiliated and abused.  That lessen carried over into my marriage as we did not fight in a healthy manner instead it was escalate and humiliate until one person became submissive.  There was no discussion or working things out and surrendering meant degradation.  I still get trapped in that mindset sometimes and I struggle with surrendering to circumstances or other people as I am terrified of other people having dominion over me and to me surrender means giving someone dominion.

One of the things I have been learning to do, although I am far from perfect at it, is realizing that surrendering to circumstances is different than surrendering to people.  When I surrender to circumstances, I am accepting what is and moving forward from a basis in reality instead of what I want to happen.  When I can surrender and accept the world as it is instead of trying to bend the world to meet my happy version of reality, I’m in a much better place.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the good meetings with my client

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather on the drive home

I’m grateful for the Casey’s pizza

I’m grateful for getting home in time for Blue Bloods

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

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August 8, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Darkness, clarity, comfortable

Book:  Seeing things in a new way, finding clarity

Guidance:  Travel into the unconscious

Journaling

Driving in the daytime is about seeing the sites, about looking at the scenery, about being in the world.  Traveling at night is about being comfortable in the darkness.  It’s about knowing that there is a great big world out there that you cannot see.  Depending on the phase of the moon, you may see outlines of mountains or complete darkness.  Driving in the dark means being comfortable with the unknown.  It means relying on all of our senses and not just our eyesight to navigate.

Going within and navigating the terrain of our soul also means letting go of all that we know and surrendering to something greater than ourselves.  It means letting go of who we are in the light and in the outside world and embracing our soul selves.  It means letting go of work, of family, and being comfortable being alone with ourselves.  I was never comfortable with the darkness and venturing into my soul.  Before my divorce, I was filled with shame at who I was.  Shame about my body, shame about my life, shame about everything I was.

However, the last eight years have been about finding myself and embracing who I truly am.  I’ve discovered that I truly have a beautiful and luminous soul.  I’m not perfect, but deep down I am an amazing person.  And once I’ve been able to let go of most of the shame, I’m found that I am a pretty fucking amazing person.  I’m finally comfortable navigating in the dark.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the beautiful drive home

I’m grateful for the trip down LSD

I’m grateful for my convertible

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

I’m grateful for being mostly done with my work

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June 28, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Isa, making choices, different perspective

Book: Suspended between the worlds, visionary, shaman, some element of your life is on hold,

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be suspended for a while, be willing to give up something that no longer serves you

Journaling:

This is a card that I’ve never really meditated on before as it is a card of inaction and calls for patience.  It reminds me of all the times that Scott pulled the Isa rune for me and told me that patience was required.  I was going to be stuck for a while and I just needed to embrace the stillness.  I’m realizing that part of the reason that I struggled to embrace the stillness was because I was afraid of what I would find there.  I was afraid of finding all my ugliness and all the things I was ashamed of.  Being active, kept the shame at bay and I did not have to confront all the hate and ugliness that had been heaped on me by others and myself.  I did not have to confront being groped in math class and made to feel as if I was nothing for complaining.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of being bullied.  I did not have to confront the ugliness of the shame heaped on me by my mother.  I did not have to confront the abuse by my husband.  I did not have to confront each of those incidents that bit by bit stole my soul.  By keeping busy and active, I could convince myself that I was worthy by contributing.  If I allowed myself to stop, I would be mired in the shame and the uncalled for guilt of not being busy taking care of others.

My divorce plunged me into the darkness as my ex made it clear that I had outlived my usefulness to him and as such I had no purpose left in life.  I was not good enough or worthy enough to stand on my own.  The lesson I had learned from my mother and that was reinforced by my ex, that my worth came from giving to others and that if I had nothing left to give, I was worthless.  I was not worthy of nice things.  I was not worthy of taking care of myself.  I was not worthy of any of those things.  I met Erishkigal when I plunged into the darkness and she taught me compassion.  She taught me that I deserved compassion from others and from myself.  I learned that compassion can transform lives.  Initially, I relied on compassion from others and I still did not feel that I was worthy of such love and compassion.  However, as I grew more comfortable in the dark, I realized that I was worth of compassion and eventually I have begun to see that I am also worthy of love.

All the Hanged Man asks us to do is to be willing to be suspended and to let the thoughts and feelings come.  He asks us to choose not to run from them and to be willing to let go of beliefs and feelings that are no longer serving us.  We don’t have to give them up just yet, we just have to be willing to consider maybe possibly letting go. 

January 9, 2022 Revisit

I feel incredible sadness for the little girl I once was as I read this.  However, I also know that I am a product of my times and that sexual abuse of children in schools happened and continues to happen.  We continue to live in a “boys will be boys” environment where boys are allowed to abuse girls with no consequences.  I know I complained and nothing  happened.  However, I realize now that nothing happening was not about me, but was about the people who chose to do nothing.  Even though it was the 1970s and 1980s, there was still a belief that boys mattered more than girls.  I hope all of those people who let this happen rot in hell.

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May 29, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  New perspective, looking at things from someone else’s point of view

Book:  Suspended between the worlds, linking heaven and earth, some element of your life is on hold, being vulnerable and questioning

Guidance:  Be willing to give up some belief that no longer serves you

Journaling

I’ve learned that when I am stressed out and nothing seems to be going my way, I “other” people.  I take exception with the way that other people choose to live, how they choose to behave, and generally who they are.  I’ve learned that when the words “they should…” or “they shouldn’t…” go through my mind, I need to top and take a pause to figure out what’s bothering me.  This is especially true when the things that are bothering me are really benign such as someone talking to loudly in the nature center or someone sitting where I want to sit.  Granted, it is kind of rude to talk at the top of your lungs in a nature center, but it is also not the worst offense in the world.  And the person who sat in the chair that I wanted to sit in was just as entitled to sit in the chair as I was.  Once I pull myself back and remember that the world does not revolve around me, I quit “othering.”

My personality runs to extremes and if I am not “othering” other people, I am looking at things from everyone else’s perspective and ignoring my own needs.  I was raised by a mother who put everyone else’s needs above hers and who expected me to do the same.  My maternal grandmother had an undiagnosed mental illness and she was someone who could never be satisfied.  She looked the other way when my mother’s brother abused her, she gave away my mother’s wedding gifts to the same brother, and she treated my brother and I like second class citizens.  However, despite all of this, my mother was at her beck and call and would drop everything to take care of her.  My father enabled my mother’s acceptance of my grandmother’s bad behavior as he preached respect your elders so I learned that your elders were to be respected at all costs.

I vowed to myself that I would never let people mistreat me because they were elders to be respected and with people outside of my family, I did a good job of standing up for myself and demanding respect.  However, I let my mother mistreat me without calling her on it and I married a man who began mistreating me from shortly after we said I do.  Since I had been raised to believe that unconditional love meant accepting whatever behavior someone dished out, I twisted myself into knots trying to make him happy even though at my heart I knew that someone else’s happiness was not my responsibility.  As the years wore on, I became angry and bitter and ultimately he ended up leaving me.  At first I was devastated, but I’ve come to realize that his leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

As I reflect upon the hanged man, I realize that I need to give up my black or white thinking.  Most likely I am not always right, but the other person is not always right either.  The truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

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December 24, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  The Hanged One

First Impressions:  I love this card because not only is she hanging upside down in water, her limbs are all akimbo and I’m not sure exactly how she is staying together in the water.  The Hanged One (man) is always about changing my perspective and looking at things from a different point of view.

Book:  What has been, what lives in hidden places, Goddess of the Mother, of the gods, Mother of All, existence killed by her own young.

Guidance:  Surrender, but remember who you are; trust your intuition and be open to it, look at things from a different point of view.

Journaling

Surrender is such a foreign concept to me.  I’ve always been someone who fights to the bloody, brutal end so the thought of surrendering and letting go always seems to me like giving up.  However, past experience has taught me that when I do truly surrender to deity, amazing things happen.  It is hard though because I always want to snatch back control.

Dearest Ones,

Help me to trust you enough to let go.  Let me trust that I a being led and that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to work out.  Let me trust you have my best intentions at heart.

January 1, 2018 Revisit

I’m still getting used to writing 2018!  One thing I have learned in my life is that life does move on and that surrendering means that I don’t have to control everything.  Over the past few years, my definition of surrendering has evolved from giving up total control and sitting there passively to trusting that I will be led and doing the work I need to do.  It’s kind of like managing a project, I cannot control how every consultant spends every minute of their day so I need to set the structure and trust them to do what they’re supposed to do. 

Trust is as difficult of a concept for me as surrender so sitting back and not micromanaging is hard for me.  However, when I do sit back and trust others, things work out amazingly well. 

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April 17, 2017

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Different perspective

Book:  Tree of life, define wisdom, spiritual transformation

Guidance:  Personal sacrifice, being future rewards, let go of clutter, surrender

Journaling

This card is actually about sacrifice.  I’m doing what needs to be done to  move forward, but I’m paying a huge price for it.  The fact of the matter is that I’m tired of sacrificing myself for others.  I’m tired of accommodating needy clients and I jut don’t know how to change it.

January 2, 2018

I think the key is to draw clear boundaries about what is and what isn’t my responsiblity and to learn to say no without worrying about what other people think.  There are times when we do need to give our all and go the extra mile, but that is not every time the client asks us too.  Sometimes they just need to learn that no means no.  I’ve also learned to escalate and ask for help when I need it.  Those are not perfect solutions, but they are really helping me to have more peace of mind.

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December 22, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck in one mode, unable to consider different points of view

Book;  Being too self righteous, false spirituality, too preoccupied with material issues, not sharing wisdom and grace, an end to a trying time

Guidance:  Show wisdom and grace to others, take back your power

Journaling

This card is hitting me today as the word’s wisdom and grace are jumping out at me.  I also need to show wisdom and grace to myself.  I beat myself up for my thoughts instead of just letting go and releasing them.  My thoughts are my thoughts.  It is only when I dwell on them that they cause me problems.  I need to just let them go.  I need to go back to doing a good box this year as that has truly helped.

This card is incredibly deep and I don’t know whether to read it as taking back my power or offering forgiveness and grace.  Maybe it is truly both because offering grace is a way of claiming my own power.  I’m no longer in a place where others have power over me  This is a lot of where I’m at with X.  I have given him so much power over me for so long that it feels weird to be taking back my power and my need for him.  I’m also just discovered this amazing book called Change Me Prayers and I’m realizing that I need to surrender my need for control.  I’ve started praying for the one who is right for me to come into my life and that is a little uncomfortable because I’m used to driving and choosing.  But I need to sit back and surrender is driving me crazy.

July 8, 2018 Revisit

The theme of surrender has been coming up again and again for me.  It is also something that I truly struggle with as I love to be in control  Cam and I were talking today about how it is easier to surrender when you are in a plane because there is truly nothing I can do to change what happens.  It is harder to surrender everyday life when I think that I should be able to change things.  However, there are so many things in life that I cannot change and I cannot even influence. 

I’ve actually put up an Isis altar and I’m going to work on surrendering things to her and imaging her taking things in her loving arms.

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November 26, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Seeing things from a different perspective

Book:  Coming through a challenging experience, peace, willing to sacrifice society’s approval to be true to yourself

Guidance:  Be true to yourself

Journaling

The message I’m getting is to truly stop and see things from my perspective instead of constantly looking at things from her (Charlene’s) perspective or someone else’s perspective.  There is a time and place for mercy, but in order for there to be mercy, the other person has to be repentant. They have to acknowledge their sins.  Charlene has never done that and she has continually pulled the I’m your mother card.  She hurt me and she hurt the kids and yes she had a horrible childhood and was damaged by her mother, but she has perpetuated the pain.  She knew that her mother gave me cheap crap and was hurtful, but she put me in the position of seeing her over and over and over again.  She never once said that my kids matter and I’m not going to continually put them in a position to be hurt.  Not only that, she knew that it was rotten to have your stuff given away and that it hurt, but she did it to Cam.  She didn’t want Mike’s kid to feel bed so she gave away Cam’s shoes.  I wish I would have known because I would have blasted her to hell and back and she never would have seen the kids again.

In some ways she is like a convict or wife beater who doesn’t see that their behavior is wrong or that it hurts other people.  She is in denial and a big part of that is because no one has ever called her on her bullshit before.  People just let her continue to get away with it.  After Tony got divorced and she was abusing him by continually telling him he needed to find someone.  No one told her to stop after she said hurtful things.  No one told her that she was being a bitch.  I’m saying no more.  She may not stop and she may not acknowledge her behavior, but I will have stopped the cycle by standing up to her and making sure she knows that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not let her hurt the kids or me again. 

I do not owe her anything.  I’m taking care of my kids and helping them overcome the results of her abuse.  that is where my energy needs to go and not back into helping her.  There is a part of me that says by breaking off contact in a letter that it isn’t fair because I’m not letting her have  a say, but the last time I tried to let her have a say, it failed.  She just blabbed on and on about me coming to visit her and that she could come and pick me up, etc. ,etc.  She treated me as if I was dirt poor and that I wasn’t coming to see her because I could not afford it.  Her ego could not accept that I did not want to come and see her.  She refused to acknowledge and accept that I’m an adult who is making decisions in my own best interest. 

In some ways this is like when Cam was manic and kept asking to go and smoke.  We would keep telling her no and she would keep saying she understood, but would go right back to asking to smoke.  This is what my mother’s behavior is like.  She says she understands, but she really doesn’t listen.  She cannot comprehend that she did anything wrong.  Instead she just goes into the I’m the mother and I know best routine.  It isn’t true and I know it, but she can’t see it.  I have to step back and not let myself get sucked into her crazy.  I know there are people who think that I’m a horrible person for “doing this to her” and hurting my poor sick  mother, but there are also people who think that murderers can be redeemed.  No one can be redeemed until they take personal responsibility.  She may not get it in this lifetime and she may not realize how she has hurt me and the kids, but maybe she will get it in a future lifetime.

When she messaged me on my birthday by posting totally inappropriate crap on a post I had made, I gave her the opportunity to listen and understand my point of view, but she fell right back into her passive aggressive bullshit and telling me that she “supported my lifestyle.”  You mean the one where I bust my ass to support myself and the kids?  The one where I’ve bought a house and taken care of myself?  Not sure which lifestyle she was referring to.  She does not comprehend that she might be the cause of this situation. 

There are days when I feel that I should be kind to her because I would feel horrible if the kids walked away from me, but I have to remind myself that these are two very different situations.  I treat my kids like adults and acknowledge when I’ve screwed up.  She treats me like I’m a child who doesn’t know her own mind.

I am so proud that I have managed to break out of the cycle and create an environment of respect and civility.

July 6, 2019 Revisit

Wow!  That was pretty deep and intense stuff.  However, there is so much growth in that post because I actually stood up for myself and standing up for myself doesn’t always happen.

January 9, 2022 Revisit

As I learn more, I am realizing that trauma truly is generational and even though my children have mostly escaped and that my actions stopped them from being exposed to more trauma, they will still suffer from what my mother went through and I went through.  There is nothing I can do about that, but I can create a better environment and I can say “not on my watch.”

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September 30, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  This Hanged Man is hanging from a beam instead of a treat.  He is surrounded by mistletoe and his eyes are wide open.  There is a glow around his head as it seems he has found inner peace.  This card speaks to me of surrender, contemplation, and approaching things from a different point of view.

Book:  Reversal of values, patience, surrender, sacrifice, peace, freedom comes from commitment, non-resistance, new perspective.

Guidance:  Let go of your striving, surrender, love yourself, trust yourself.

Journaling:

Today was all about Isa and this card was perfect as I believe that the Hanged Man is the tarot version of Isa.  I need to just let go and surrender.  There are things I can do nothing about and the best course of action is to let go and quit struggling.  It will all fall into place.

December 23, 2017 Revisit

I am getting so much better at just surrendering and waiting.  It is still a very uncomfortable place for me, but I am better at actually executing.  I am someone who always wants to fix, manage, and control (thank you Al Anon for teaching me that) and sometimes there are things I cannot fix, manage, and control and I have to let go and see how it all plays out.

The shakeup at work has me a little worried, but there is nothing I can do to change what is happening.  My guides are telling me to trust and that it will all work out so that’s what I’m going to do.  I know that I could start frantically looking for a new job, but that’s not what I want to do.  I want to stay here and to build something and my guides are telling me that this is where I belong so I’m going to stay for now.

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May 27, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  The Tree, pulled reversed

Book:  Ego refuses to surrender, chooses to be mored in an unwinnable situation.  Blocks and hangups may be frustrating.  Lessons are ignored, denial, patience is called for

Journaling

It is very interesting that I drew this card today as I drew it yesterday when I asked about the job at IMG.  This is a card of surrender.  It is about getting out of the universe’s way and letting the magick work.  This card is telling me I can be too rigid and that I need to let go of my need to control.

Stillness and reflection.  This time clears a space so I can experience how the universe acts for my highest good. T his card is akin to Isa.  I’m being directed to be patient and let things flow.  That’s hard to do right now because I am in limbo and that’s a tough spot.  However, I got a great review and am getting promoted so I have to trust.  I have to trust the universe that this will all work out for my greater good.  

It’s funny because one of the things I was thinking about the other day was about wanting time to heal and to work through things.  Oddly, I’ve been given time to work on myself and to work through some of the remnents of grief and sadness in my life.  I’m at a crossroads right now.  I’m at a place of letting go of a treasured dream and needing to let go of X hurts a lot.  Even though my intelect knows we would not be good together, my heart still wants for it to work out. The good thing is that I have realized that our not being together is not about me being fundamentally unlovable.  he does love me, I know that in my bones, but he is too honorable to step away from the person he is with.  He just keeps taking her abuse over and over because he feels that is what he is supposed to do.  He sees it as making a sacrifice.  In many ways, he is the hanged man as he is trapped in an uncomfortable position, but he holds the key and could walk away at any time.  I think that is another lesson of the hanged man, we are co-creators of our own reality and there are some situations that we create and then believe we are stuck in.

Pulling this card is also about looking at our situations and determining whether we are keeping ourselves stuck.  I know with X that I kept myself stuck.  I was stubborn and refused to let go. However, in all fairness to me, I was also hurting and could not see how he could love me and not be with me.  I finally realized that he does love me and that I am not unlovable.  This choosing not to be with me is not about me being unloveabl or unworthy of love.  I am worthy of love and happiness.

Apparently, I decided to pull a second card from an oracle deck and pulled the Camel from the Spirit Guides Deck.

Message:  Trust that you have the resources to get through the challenges before you.

Journaling:

Interestingly, I pulled a spirit guides card and received the camel.  One of the lines I love from the book is “cast away your fears, doubts, and hesitations whenever they arise, leaving the wounds open to the sun to be burned away.  Ease your heart and mind and know that you are protected at all times.”

I love that so much.  I am protected and watched over.  I just have to do my part and trust them to do theirs.  Right now my part is to keep working on work and on my Midwives of Change stuff and do my love spell.

 Follow Your Bliss

Deck:  Sacred Traveler Oracle

First Impressions:  Being guided, uncanny knowing

Book:  Trust your gut, know that your life is divinely guided

Guidance:  You will be guided to the right place at the right time

Major Events this Week:  Nothing major planned this week, it will just be same old same old.

Journaling:

I’ve always believed in a larger force guiding my life, but it is very hard to believe that now with all that is happening in the world.  What larger power guided Putin to invade Ukraine and kill people?  What larger power means that Trump is still agitating?  How can I believe in a larger power when everything in the world seems to be going to hell in a handbasket.  It is hard to believe in love, in grace, or anything wonderful in the world today.  I feel like my heart is breaking.