Author: Raine Shakti

March 25, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Joyous celebration, abandon

Book:  Celebration, prosperity, important event, stability

Guidance:   Relax, release, and allow your body to process it all

Journaling:

I love the meaning of this to relax and release.  I really need to start meditating more and focus on letting go.  I know from when I was married that I hold a lot of garbage in my body.  My shoulders hold it, my legs hold it, and my back holds it.  Meditation is one of the best ways to let go of it and get my body relaxed.

Where: I’m sitting on the couch and Wendy

Weather: It snowed early this morning, which is a reminder that you can never really be sure about spring in the Midwest until at least April (I’m actually writing this on the 26th)

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 47

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:21 am / 7:44 pm

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February 16, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Love, focused on the person you love, celebration

Book:  Reunion, Success, Happiness, Family

Guidance:  Be thankful and cherish loved ones

Journaling:

As I reflect on this card, I’m realizing that it is about celebrating love in all forms.  It isn’t about just having “the one.”  I need to open myself to love in all different formats and lean into it.  That’s super hard as I was raised around people who were not trustworthy and love was transactional.  It was all about you scratch my back and I scratch yours.  The worst was my grandmother who continually changed her will depending upon who was in favor.  That’s not a good way to live.

I’m working on discovering true love, which is unconditional and beautiful.  It is connecting from the heart.  It is the love that I have for my beautiful and silly puppo.

Where I’m At: I’m at home. I had my doctor visit this morning and got good results.  I’m also sitting on the couch chilling and working on my tarot.  

Mood: I’m in a pretty good mood.  I don’t really want to be awake and I’m not wanting to do my work today, but it’s okay

Weather:   It is super windy outside, but it is supposed to get up to 52 today.

Moon Phase:  Full

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:19 am/6:01 PM

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Celebration, Frivolity, working with others

Book:  Joyful passage from one phase to the next,

Guidance:  Delight has a vital place in creating lasting success, relax and enjoy, take price in what you’ve accomplished

Journaling

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned lately is that when I let joy into my life, my life is much happier and oddly enough it also means I get more done.  Letting fun into my life is often difficult as I make these huge to do lists and feel like I just have to do, do, do.  However, I’ve gotten a lot better at reminding myself that life is not all about work and that joy really does matter.  We had a team event tonight and I actually let myself enjoy it.  I mingled with people, I socialized, and I enjoyed myself.  I’m not always good at that, but I’m making a conscious effort to let people in.

I do believe the loving kindness meditation is helping a lot as I’m starting to remind myself daily to love myself and to be kind and compassionate to myself.  Having that reminder on a daily basis means that it is starting to work its way into my DNA.  I always used to think that being an adult meant being serious all the time and not making time to be silly and to have fun.  However, I’ve learned that being an adult isn’t about being serious all the time.  I can meet my obligations and do what I need to do without being serious all the time.  I’ve also realized that being open and fun draws people to me and that helps me meet people and to have more joy in my life.

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

May 24, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Four of Fire, pulled reversed

Journaling

I drew the four of fire reversed again.  That is the second time I’ve drawn this card in the last few days.  The Gods are telling me I am depleted and I need to reconnect with myself and the deities.  I am feeling physically and emotionally run down.  I feel as if I am bogged down in molasses.  Interesting I also pulled the tortoise card and that card is all about grounding and centering.

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Deck:  Gaian Tarot

March 24, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Hiding in the darkness, sad, lonely, feeling unloved

Book:  financial or health difficulties, feeling left out, asking for help when you need it, clearing energy blockages

Guidance:   Look for opportunities in your current circumstances

Journaling:

I am actually feeling a lot better today and I have more energy.  I’m also actively looking for opportunities where I’m at.  That includes looking at ways to learn from my current circumstances.  Instead of bitching about how much people bother me, I’m starting to ask the question what can I learn and what do I need to learn.  There are lessons to be learned from everyone and even though the evil M bugs the hell out of me, I also recognize that I share some traits with her and seeing how much it pisses me off when she does certain things is helping me to acknowledge and change my own ways.  At the end of the day, the only person I can change is myself.

There are also real lessons to be learned about how much I can really take on.  I overextended myself this semester as I had no clue that work would be this insane.  I’m continually pushing things at work and that is going to catch up with me.  I also need to make sure there is time in my schedule for me.  Even if I only meditate for 10 minutes a day, that helps a lot.

Where:  I’m at home this week and I’m currently sitting in the living room watching Clark vulture over Wendy.  Seano just got to the Charlotte airport and will be coming home tonight.

Weather:  It’s a little chilly outside, but not bad

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 58

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:23 am / 7:43 pm

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February 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Card:  Five of Coins

First Impressions:  Sadness, out in the cold, not asking for help

Book:  Recession, adversity, isolation, ruin

Guidance:  Ask for help

Journaling:

I’m feeling the five of pentacles today as i do feel isolated and alone and if there is no one out there who cares about me.  I know that I have resources and that there are people I can ask for help, but I just feel so isolated and alone.  It feels as if nothing good is ever going to happen again.  Additionally, even though I like working at home, it is isolating as there is no one whose desk you can just stop by to have a conversation.

However, Sean and I are going to a Monsters game today and even though hockey isn’t my favorite thing, it will be nice to get out and about.  We’re also going out to dinner beforehand so that is something to look forward to.  I’ve also joined the CPTSD support group as I realize that all of the trauma endured at my mother’s hands really affected me.  I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home and running late for work.

Mood:  I am feeling isolated and alone, but I know that I’ve felt this way before and come through it.  It will all be all right.

Weather:   It is cold and crisp outside.  it’s currently 21, but the high will be 30.  There is only a little snow expected today.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 49%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:30 PM / 5:51 PM

View from Alley Cat’s Oyster Bar in the Flats

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Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Sanctuary

Book:  The Great Mother Guadalupe

Guidance:  Balance your struggles with hope

Journaling:

This is my favorite card in this deck as to me it speaks of hope and of being watched over.  The lesson I always take from the five of pentacles is the need to ask for help.  We will be provided for if we ask for help, but so often we are ashamed or embarrassed or afraid someone will say no so we don’t ask for help and we sit and struggle instead of asking.  I know from my own experience that when I get all swirly and am feeling as if life is overwhelming, I feel better when I turn it over and let my beloved deities know that I need help.  When I try to do it all myself, I can’t and I just get angry, snippy, and overwhelmed.  However, once I am able to turn it over and say that I need help, I feel this instant and amazing sense of calm.

The problem is that I let myself go way too long before I turn it over and ask for help.  I will do everything possible within my power and I will push myself way too hard before I finally take a step back and acknowledge that I need help.  It’s a difficult process for me as I hate to be weak and for me asking for help has always been a sign of weakness.  I also grew up knowing that if I asked for help, it would be something that someone could hold over my head as there was no such thing as unconditional love in my childhood.  It was all about quid pro quo and anytime you asked for help, you knew that there would be a time that you would be required to pay it back.  Knowing that means that asking for help is something that I did as a last resort.  And it didn’t even have to be asking for anything, it was also about showing any sign of weakness. 

The first bookend of the beginning of the end for my relationship with Charlene was when I told her I had a problem with alcohol and was seeking help she called me a “drunken slut who tried to kill herself.”  I felt so demoralized and worthless after that comment.  However, there was something deep within me that knew that she was wrong and that I was worth more than that comment.  I worked hard to surround myself with positive people and even during my marriage I sought out people who believed in me.  The final bookend was when she was so judgmental about my divorce.  I was raw, vulnerable, and brokenhearted and she made it all about her.  I’ve realized that she always makes it all about her.  She sent me a letter after 3 years of having my address, but not contacting me and the letter was all about her.  There was one little scrunched in line that said she was sorry.  If that was me, I would have led with I’m sorry, but she always makes it all about her and that was just so normal.

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First Impressions:  On the outside looking in

Book:  Hardship, Financial stress, seems like troubles will never end, misjudging reliability of others, collapse of faith

Guidance:  You have to draw on your own resources to make it through

Journaling:

For me this card is not so much about relying on others as it is about asking for help.  Sometimes we place ourselves on the outside looking in because we choose not to trust others and we choose not to ask for help.  I am a very untrusting person and it is very difficult for me to open up to others and ask for help.  Work was very much like that today as I felt like everyone was bonded and I was the outsider.  It felt as if everyone had their own little cliques and no one wanted me around.  Part of the reason I feel like that is because my job is different than everyone else’s as everyone else has a technical role and my role is not technical so as a result, I feel as if they are looking down on me and thinking I’m not as smart as they are.  In reality, that is probably not the case at all but that is how I feel.

I think a lot of my feeling left out and as if I’m on the outside looking in has to do with the fact that I was bullied as a kid for reasons that are unknown to me.  I was fine up until we moved to Maple Park and the kids there were horrible.  They picked on me, groped me, and generally made my life miserable.  I never felt empowered to go and complain because I knew that complaining would only piss them off and make my life miserable.  Things are getting better in terms of how bullies are treated, but in my day you were just told to get along.  I personally feel that bullies should face severe punishment and should not be allowed to attend school with their victims.  If I had it to do all over again, I would have reported the bastards and I would have filed for a restraining order that would have meant they couldn’t come to school.  Then there parents would have had to respond.

I’ve grown a lot since I was that scared little girl, but I still try to handle things myself because I don’t trust authorities.  That’s why I didn’t report John for attempting to kill me with a baseball bat because I didn’t think I would be believed.  That was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life because if I had reported him, he would have gone to jail and I would have felt vindicated.  I’m realizing that one of my biggest flaws is that I feel that I need other people to witness bad behavior and agree with me.  It’s as if I need proof from someone else that bad things happened, but I’m unwilling to ask for help.

I think the lessons that I need to take away from this are that I need to learn to ask for help and that I don’t need other people to agree with me.  My own word that bad behavior happened is enough.

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Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Feeling left out, empty inside, bereft

Book:  In distress, hope and healing, lonliness

Guidance:  Analyze your limitations, there is solace in companionship

Journaling

I pulled this card as I sat at the beach watching an amazing sunset.  It feels apt because I was so lonely.  Everyone else was there with other people, but I was alone and it hurt to not have anyone to share this beautiful sunset with.  I feel more alone than I have in a long time.  I’ve always taken being alone in stride, but today it just feels lonely.

December 29, 2018

It’s so funny to reread this now as the memories that I have of that beautiful and amazing day are not of how lonely I was, but of how connected I felt to the others on the beach.  I was one of the most spiritual moments of my life to sit there and watch something as ordinary and as miraculous as a sunset.  I was so pleased and amazed that so many other people took the time out of there day to watch the sunset.  As I reread my post and how I pulled the cards, it made me wonder if I was lying to myself or if the loneliness dissipated as I felt myself surrounded by the larger crowd.  I’m going to choose to believe that the sense of connection outweighed the lonliness.

Here is what I posted on Facebook that day:

Raine Clara Shakti

April 13 · 

I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life tonight surrounded by about 50 strangers. I drove down to Carmel after work and spent some time wandering around. After an amazing dinner of fresh caught seafood, I wandered down to the beach.

There were about 50 people there, some quietly playing, others sitting and watching the water, and others just wandering around. Pretty soon, the most amazing show on earth started as Sul began to journey down to touch Mama Yemaya. Her bright light laid down a glittering trail upon the water.

As she sunk closer and closer to the waves, people got more and more quiet and everyone turned their faces toward the sun. As she slowly faded, a sense of oneness filled the crowd as we all watched the golden orb sink beneath the waves.

It was only when we could no longer see her that people began to gather there things and walk away with the reverant hush still filling the air.

I found it pretty amazing in this day of movies, TV, and all the other technical distraction that 50 people gathered on a beach on an ordinary Friday afternoon in April to watch the sunset.

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May 8, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Book:  Being out in the cold, not asking for assistance

Book:  Feeling left out in the cold, help is available, reach out, choosing to simplify

Guidance:  Reach out for help if you need to, look inward to see what has caused your circumstances, don’t torment yourself

Affirmation:  I ask for help as I need it

Journaling;

I’m feeling really pissed off and annoyed right now.  Tiffney is pushing my buttons.  This card is so appropriate for me because I always feel awkward and geeky and as if I don’t fit in.  I think that’s what I love about X.   He makes me feel like I matter and it isn’t about what I can do for him.  There’s very few people in my life who make me feel llike I matter just for me.  I need that in my life.  But even though he makes me feel like I matter, I don’t matter more than other people and that hurts.  I want to be someone’s person and it’s hard when I’m not.

I feel disconnected and adrift in the world.  I know help is available if I need it, it’s just that help is not what I want.  I want love.

May 14, 2017

I’m very peaceful today and I’ve taken time the last few days to get out of my head and be in my body and that’s a good place for me to be.  It’s just so wonderful to be in nature and to be aware of the sun on my shoulders.

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May 2, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card:  Five of Earth

First Impressions: I love this little shelter in the woods.  It makes me feel protected, safe, and being at peace with myself.  It makes me think of someone holding space for me.

Book:  You are dealing with stress at a survival level, most likely your health or finances. 

Guidance:  Tuck into yourself and know that you are safe and protected.  Know that there are people looking out for you even if it doesn’t seem like it.

Journaling

It is so interesting that I drew this card because I saw, journeyed to a similar structure when I was meditating and I was cocooned in a little womblike structure.  I felt safe and secure and there were people holding space for me.  While I was in this space, there was someone standing guard outside so I would not be interrupted.  I was totally secure.

I’m not truly in a true crisis mode right now, but my mind has created a crisis.  I am employed, I”m working on my health, but I do need to feel safe and secure and I’m not sure what the best way to do that is. I have the skills to survive most crises and I’ve gotten better about not creating crisis any more.

January 2, 2018

I know for some people this womblike structure would feel isolated or lonely, but for me it appears snug and secure and it is something I’m realizing I need in my own life.  I need to create a safe space for myself and part of that is having a space to curl up and feel secure in.  In some ways, my wood room is that space as the kids are pretty good about letting me have that space and not interrupting.

February 4, 2018

What I find so interesting in retrospect is that I pulled the five of earth, which is about pulling back my energy and being in survival mode immediately after I pulled the three of fire which is all about being out there and living out loud.  It is almost as if the thought of living out loud scared me and I had to pull back in my hermit shell.  It is also a good metaphor for where I’m at right now because my mind is coming up for all sorts of excuses as to why I don’t want to go to the tarot conference.  My brain is telling me that I won’t like it, that everyone will be cliquish, etc. 

I realize that I have gotten much worse about not wanting to go places since I’ve been divorced. I don’t think I truly realized how much John damaged my soul  and made me afraid to meet and interact with people.  He was so mean and horrible to me that now I am afraid to meet people.  I’m terrified that people will treat me like he did.  I need to let go of that because he is a horrible person and how he treated me was always more about him than it was about me.

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March 22, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:   Sadness, listening to the raven, topping the summit

Book:  Conflict, losing a challenge, opportunities to build skills

Guidance:   Winning isn’t everything

Journaling:

I’m not sad today, just feeling overwhelmed and wondering what it all means.  Work has been super challenging this week as MEY has been a total pain in the ass.  He thinks he is in charge of the universe and is working against digital at every turn.  What I really dislike is that everyone is so negative at the place I work and there is so much infighting.  It feels as if we spend so much energy fighting with one another that there isn’t an opportunity to move things forward.  I really and truly want to move on, but I need to spend 14 more months until I am vested, then I can start looking and figure out a new place to land.  I’m going to look at this as an opportunity to build my skills in patience and in navigating bullshit.

Where: I’m on the couch hanging out with Cam and the doggos.  I feel like garbage today as my sinus infection is bad.  I’d been feeling better yesterday, but I overdid it yesterday and I’m paying for it today in exhaustion.

Weather:  It is overcast and looks like it will rain today

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 79

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:26 am / 7:41 pm

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March 4, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Depression, messages from a crow, walking away, sadness

Book:  Conflict, losing a challenge, experiencing loss, opportunity to build your skills and experience

Guidance:   Maintain your integrity

Journaling:

This is an interesting card to draw after the battle with the evil M.  I won this battle because I didn’t make it personal.  I didn’t make it about her at all.  I stuck to the topic and made my points on merit.  I have no clue why she doesn’t like me and I have no clue why she thinks she is all that.  However, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what she thinks.  I just need to maintain  my integrity and not make personal attacks on her.  That’s hard for me, but I know I need to take the high road.

The other thing I need to do is let go of my need to feed my ego.  There are days when I feel that I will disappear if people are not giving me props and recognizing me.  I really need to learn to feed my own ego and to take care of my own self-esteem.  It is not about what everyone else thinks about me.  It really needs to be about what I think of myself.  I think the question I need to ask in my Trauma Tarot this week is about how trauma has effected my self-esteem.

Where I’m At: It was a good day as the evil M shut her ugly face during a meeting about something I’m responsible for.  She always has to be snotty and undercut me, but today the c*** just shut her mouth.  However, I’m not convinced she is permanently vanquished, but it does seem that my freezer spell is working.

Weather: We woke up to snow outside today

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:56 am / 6:20 pm

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 December 30, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Grief, Lonliness, where the hell is Nephthys?

Book:  Surrender, betrayal, bullying

Guidance:  Bullying has no place

Journaling:

This is an interesting card on so many levels and I think the first question is whether I am the bully or the defeated and the truth is that sometimes I play both roles.  Sometimes I let my fear and anger get the best of me and I strike out so that I am not abused.  The question for me is where did this behavior come from?  Did it come from my childhood or my marriage?  The roots were most likely in my childhood as I saw my mother continually be a door mat to her mother.  One of the saddest moments for me was when we were at the farm and my grandmother was getting things out of the car and my mother was talking to her and my grandmother ignored my mother and looked through her like she did not exist.  That broke my heart.  I know now that my grandmother was most likely mentally ill, but at the time I just saw it as painful.

It was in my marraige that I learned to fight truly dirty.  John would say the most hateful things and would dig things up from years ago and put an ugly twist on them.  He would attack the core of my being, then afrer the fight he would expect me to let it all go because he said it in the heat of anger.  However, the truth is some things can never be unsaid or unheard and he battered my self esteem.  Unfortunately, I also battered his self esteem as I learned to give as good as I got.  I said terrible things that I regret.  At the time, I thought it was weak to walk away from someone being cruel and I thought I had to stay in the fight at all costs, but I’ve come to realize that that is not true.  I could have walked outside, gone to the mall, or done a whole lot of things to deescalate the situation. 

I have worked hard to unlearn the bullying behavior that I learned and to deescalate by walking away.  I’m not always perfect about it with Sean and Cam, but I am better and our arguments are really arguments and not fights.  Usually, when I argue with one of the kids, we will say our piece, retreat, and one of us will come and apologize and we will talk it out.  We also stick to the facts and not past crimes or personality flaws.

For me, this card also speaks to overwhelming grief and taking care of one another.  Isis was laid low by the death of her husband and she cried tears of rage and grief; but she had her sister at her side to hold her and comfort her.  Nephthys has always been there to hold and comfort me.  She is my primary Goddess and she stands by Isis’ side as she mourns her beloved.  

I’m realizing as I look at this card that Nephthys is and always has been my calling.  She is the Goddess of Mourning and I’m feeling my calling more and more is to work with those who are grieving.  It will be interesting to see what happens next.

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October 8, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Protecting someone, nastiness

Book:  Boy becomes a pawn in a much bigger game

Guidance:  Be sensitive to others during conflict

Journaling

This card is so true today, but Sean is a grownup and I cannot protect him from his crappy father who takes so much advantage of him and who acts like he is super dad.  The jackass actually wrote me today and said he was just getting Sean a gift card and not engaging in my petty drama.  He doesn’t get how he caused the situation with his horrible behavior, by taking advantage of Sean’s sweet heart, and using him.  However, I also have to own my share of the drama and I do behave like a baby.  I need to just stay out of Sean’s relationship with his dad.  He is starting to see the light about what a stinkhole (Clark’s words) he is, but the more I throw a fit and remind Sean how horrible he is, the more I push Sean away.

It is so hard because John is the most abusive person I’ve ever met and he plays head games to guilt people into doing what he wants and taking care of him.  He has never wanted to work for a living and he truly believes that the world owes him a living.  However, there is nothing that I can do about him except refuse to play his games and refuse to get sucked into his drama.  I was so proud of myself for not responding and just deleting the emails.  I have learned that sometimes the only thing you can do when someone is pushing your buttons is to not respond and to not let them know they’ve gotten under your skin.

It’s been a hard week for me as last week I got Charlene’s letter and now I hear from John.  I’m not sure what is going on, but I just need to let go and let god and trust that it is all going to work out.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the good sessions

I’m grateful for the support from T & J

I’m grateful for a good call with M.

I’m grateful for the yummy dinner

I’m grateful for the peaceful evening

I’m grateful for not responding to jacka**

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Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Vanquishing the enemy, pounding someone into the cement, victory at all costs

Book:  Hopes have been shattered, ambitions crushed, vulnerabilities exploited by others, pain can be a catalyst for growth,

Guidance:  Ask yourself how you got here, search for the lessons

Journaling

My guides called me to commit to my job, to the World Spirit Tarot, and to myself.  They can be harsh taskmasters as they are reminding me that this commitment does not only mean sharing the good things I learn about myself, it also means committing to sharing the things that put me in a negative light.  The things that reveal my pettiness and my imperfections.  The things I would rather hide than let see the light of day.  However, I have been on this journey long enough to know that the only way to move forward is to be unflinchingly honest with myself and with others so that others might learn and grow from my foibles and mistakes.

I asked my son about his father last night and he told me that I was obsessed.  Needless to say I took umbrage with that, but I realized today that there is a kernel of truth in that statement as I am obsessed with seeing him fail.  He hurt me so badly that I want to crush him under a stiletto heel until he begs for mercy.  In short, I want to be the victor in the Five of Swords.  Although the World Spirit Five of Swords does not show the victor as smug as some other versions do, there is the same sense there of vanquishing the enemy and leaving no room for compromise.  It is showing no mercy, it is crushing his bones and sucking out the marrow.  And deep in my heart of hearts, that’s what I want to do.  I have no mercy for him because he showed me none.  I know all about his hard childhood, but I don’t care.  He hurt me and I want to destroy him.

Today I realized that I feel like he out “bad assed” me and I don’t like it one bit.  I picked up and moved with my kids, but I had a steady job, the kids helped me move, I had a driver’s license, etc.  He picked up and moved by himself to a place he’d never been before and with no driver’s license.  We thought he was crazy, but he managed to buy a house and get his license and he seems to be making a go of it.  And when I am truly honest with myself, that bugs the hell out of me.  I’m supposed to be the most bad ass one around and he did something way harder and it bugs me.  I know that there is enough good stuff to go around, but my petty little mind does think there is enough badassery to go around it bugs me that he got a piece of it.

One of the best lessons I learned in Al Anon was the “3 A’s” which are awareness, acceptance, and action.  I’ve become aware of my tendency to want to crush John and I’m working toward accepting and owning this behavior.  The next step will be determining what action to take.  I will continue doing my loving kindness meditation for John, but I don’t know what other actions I’ll take and that’s okay as sometimes you just need to sit with something until the next cairn appears.

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November 16, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Gloating

Book:  Warrior stands victorious, Cost of Winning was not worth it

Guidance:  Determine what was lost and what was gained.  Was it worth it?  More conciliatory approach

Journaling

Interesting reading on this card.  For me this read is about winning at all costs.  I love to be right and it sometimes leads me down bad path.  My gloating over losing Hood because we chose not to include OCM in the proposal was not good.  I need to accept that the person who chose that was an idiot.

November 20, 2017 Revisit

It’s nice to be able to remind myself to take a step back.  I’ve become so much better at self regulation.

October 30, 2018 Revisit

This is still something that I need to work on.  I’ve realized that one of the things I really need to work on is letting go of both winning and losing.  Gloating isn’t good, but moping when I lose isn’t good either.  I think that kids who participate in sports have an easier time of this because you need to shake it off and move to the next thing.  I was thinking about this when I was watching a hockey game with the kids.  If the other team gets a goal, you can’t sit and mope over it.  You have to shake it off or you will never recover.

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April 10, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Surrender, walking away

Book:  Empty victory, dejected and despondent, see the sun as optimistic

Guidance:  Acknowledge lessons learned, love yourself and others.  Be grateful for the lessons learned

Affirmation:  I learn the lessons of the past

Journaling

I embrace the lessons of the past without getting bogged down in the details.  I’ve been hurt by people in the past, but that doesn’t mean I get to hurt others.  It really bothers me that my mother  Charlene is still salking my family.  I’m just glad that Sean is smart enough to not friend her.  Hopefully having her permantly on the request list will keep her inappropriate behavior at bay.  I mean honestly, how stupid is it to have a personal conversation in public.

April 16, 2016 Revisit

It doesn’t matter.  Her posting stupid shit is about her and not me.

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October 29, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions: Burdens falling away

Book:  Ending a toxic situation, Contrition, walking away and accepting a minor defeat, work through your emotions

Guidance:  Feel your feelings of loss, bury the hatchet

Journaling

I’ve spent some time reflecting on this card and I’m still not sure how to read it.  One possible reading is that I am taking responsibility for where I am in life and that means doing the right thing and that I am facing things head on versus running from them.  The other potential reading that struck me is that I m ending a toxic situation and that’s true.  I’m choosing to move forward and live my life instead of waiting for what might never happen.

May 25, 2018 Revisit

Interesting that I pulled this card shortly before my 50th birthday when the final ending of the toxic situation came about.  Although there is a small part of me that keeps thinking (wishing) that things would /could be different with the bitch, I know that that will never happen.  For one thing, I have accepted that she can never be the mother than anyone deserves.  I’ve also accepted that all the bullshit she spews is about her and not about me.  That’s so important for me to know, because I always tend to blame myself and assume that I did something wrong.  However, in this instance, I didn’t do anything wrong.  She was, and is, incapable of being a mother and incapable of taking responsibility for her actions.

This situation has been mirrored at work lately with someone who is incapable of taking ownership of anything.  I did my best and then some to help him, but he continued to be/act clueless.  At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do to help someone like that and he needs to own his actions.  That’s hard for me though because I am a compassionate person and because I don’t want to be blamed for things not going well.  I guess at the end of the day, I have to take the risk of things not going well because I cannot do it all.

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October 7, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:  The warrior in this card is looking straight ahead.  He seems neither defeated nor smug, he just is.  The people in the background look as if they are looking for mercy.  Although the grass is green, the trees are leafless.  Looking at the people in the back, I see defeat and exhaustion.

Book:  Defeat, blame, unfair advantages, spitefulness, using more force than required, energy/power imbalance

Guidance:  Be gracious, do not exclude, do not bully, let go, do not be an energy vampire

Journaling

This card was so where I was at today.  Meg continues to work to sell me to Gateway even though I’ve told her the deliverables will be done, but she keeps demanding that I give her additional deliverables.  I’m not sure how else to say the work is done.  I’m just ready to be done with this project and being in Chicago is totally stressing me out.  I do not know how to say I do not want to be here and keep my job.

What I really want is to be in someone’s arms and to be loved, but in order to do that I have to have more stability in my life.

December 23, 2017 Revisit

It’s interesting to look back at where I was over a year ago.  I think what truly annoyed me about the situation a year ago is that I wanted to be in the SAP space and do OCM on SAP projects, but I kept getting blocked from doing that.  Meg and Jessica wanted to keep me at Gateway.  Maybe I need to just be grateful that I had a job at that point in time and that I was employed.

I’m also realizing that it wasn’t the job that was getting to me, it was being in Chicago.  Since I have made the decision to quit living with one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland, I’m much happier.  I’m being forced to create and define a life here instead of running back to Chicago to be nurtured and nourished.  It is also helping me to cut unhealthy ties as it is way easier to not be all swirly about John and what he’s doing and to not be so tied to someone who isn’t right for me no matter how much I want him to be.

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May 12, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Five of Air pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Control issues, no clear leader, too many chiefs, not enough space /territory, inability to resolve conflict peacefully, trapped by convention, herd mentality

Book:  Being involved in a tug of war, investigation of negative words and habits, lost in negative self talk

Journaling

Very interesting card to come up today as it is about turf.  That this card came up with Corie as she is being asked to do things that are OCM and that is really my area of expertise.  I’m feeling as if I don’t know where my place is and I am struggling.  I’ve also been opening old doors and I’m realizing that it may be time to close the doors to the past completely.  I need to let go of X and I have to close that door.  I keep leaving it open, but he isn’t right for me unless he has grown and evolved.  I’m not the same lost sheep I was and I don’t know if he can accept who I am.

Deck:  Sacred Traveler Oracle

First Impressions:  Leaving behind the familiar

Book:  Open your intuition, know that you are being guided

Guidance:  Trust there’s a divine plan

Major Events this Week:  This will be another rough week

Journaling

One of the things that I know for sure is that the more I clean out my environment and my head, the more I will be guided.  The gods don’t like clutter and messages get lost when there is too much stuff around and when there is too much stuff in my head.  The past few weeks have been brutal as I’ve worked to get school work and work done.  I feel like I have lived my life behind the eight ball.  However, I’m starting to clean out my head and get things in order.  And I know that I also need to focus on cleaning out my house and organizing.  I think my first step in the bedroom is to throw everything into the closet.  I know that I will eventually have to organize it, but having it out of site will help me feel more balanced.  I will work on that tonight.

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Our fearless wrangler, Bonnie Juettner Fernandes, invited us to explore Easter Eggs and the surprises that they can bring.  I decided to ask the cards about the biggest surprise in my life.  One of my key philosophies around tarot is that once laid the cards are played, which means I don’t question either the questions I asked or the cards pulled.  This reading was way more personal than I would have liked, but it provided me valuable insights into myself and my life so I’ve published it for public consumption.  And if this post helps even one person realize they are in a bad situation, I’ll consider it my good deed for the day.

What has been the biggest surprise of my life?

The Page of Wands from Sacred Rose Tarot tells me that the biggest surprise is about a lover or friend and upon reflection I realize that my biggest surprise goes back 30 some years to the man I married.  He said all the right things:  he wanted to be my partner, he expected to walk side by side with me, he didn’t want me to just be a wife and mother.  However, after the ring was on my finger, I realized that I had married someone who was hopelessly immature and incapable of a real adult relationship.  He quit jobs on a whim without another one lined up, he refused to contribute either by taking care of the house or working, and the biggest surprise of all was that he was abusive.  I had never been exposed to intimate partner violence before and I honestly believed his gaslighting that it was my fault and that if I didn’t push so hard, he wouldn’t hit me.  However, in hindsight my “demands” were not unrealistic as I simply expected him to contribute to the household by either working or by doing the housework while I worked.

I’ve also realized that there were clues as when I was offered a job in Japan, he wanted me to turn it down so he could support us on his salary as a hospital dishwasher.  That would have ended my family in poverty and that didn’t work for me.  My decisions were the right ones in hindsight, but it took me a long time to understand that.

How did I react to the surprise?
I reacted by becoming an independent woman who was quite capable of supporting herself similar to the Nine of Pentacles.   I didn’t set out to become that woman because I always expected to have a partner who truly stood by my side, but that was not my reality.  I learned early in my marriage that if things were going to get done, I needed to do them myself.  Once our first child came along, my focus shifted to providing for our son and making sure he had what he needed.  There is a certain loneliness in realizing you need to be the sole support of your family as the person you chose to marry cannot or will not step up to the plate.  However, there is also empowerment in finding your strength and realizing that you need to do whatever it takes to provide for children who cannot support themselves.

The downside of becoming an independent woman is that I took high paying jobs that required I travel and my children suffered for it.  He became angry and resentful that I had good jobs while he was working menial labor.  What he did not realize is that I had those good jobs because I had grit and I stuck to work and didn’t walk out when things got tough or someone was mean to me at work.  I knew that I had a responsibility to support my family and I did whatever it took.  My children were hurt in the process, but in the 12 years since my ex and I have been divorced we have all been working on healing and we now live in functional household full of love and a lot of laughter.

What did I learn from the surprise?

I learned that my hard work has rewards that go beyond the financial.  While being self-supporting was the primary reward from my surprise, I also learned that I am more capable than I had thought.  My now ex-husband gaslit me throughout our marriage and he told me that I only got my jobs because my parents had paid for my college education.  He denigrated my abilities, my femininity, and anything else he could denigrate and I bought into it all.  Part of the reason that I was susceptible to his abuse was that my mother had raised me to believe that all I was good for was to take care of a man.  She did not believe that women should be independent.  She was also a victim of my grandmother’s physical and emotional abuse and no matter how badly my grandmother treated my mom, she kept going back.  It was from this that I learned that if you “love” someone you have to accept their abuse.  

I’ve also learned that I don’t have to be perfect as a parent, but I do need to be loving and kind and willing to make amends for my mistakes.  That is quite the opposite from the lesson I learned from my mother and from my ex-husband which was that you can abuse people and never say you’re sorry.  Although I would not wish my experiences on anyone, I learned very valuable lessons.

Are there other surprises coming?

The Lovers card indicates that there will be choices in my future and that I am the only one who can make the decision.  While on the surface this card is about lovers, in reality it is about choosing between two options.  In this card, the “good” option is represented by the demure Eve and the “bad” option is represented by the more independently minded Lilith.  I will be honest and say that the description of this card gave me heartburn as Lilith symbolized evil when I know her to be an independent goddess.  I have no clue what surprises might be coming, but I guess if I knew it would not be a surprise.

Summary

I have to be honest when I designed this spread, I thought the cards would tell me about a surprise that was happy and lighthearted and represented the Easter Egg background I chose for the spread.  However, the cards chose to take me down a darker path.  Additionally, even though I was late posting, I seriously reconsidered this spread and thought about posing more lighthearted choices. However, when I checked the copyright of the book to see what the patriarchal garbage about Lilith was written, I found that this deck was published in 1988:  the year I married the Page of Wands.  I took that as a sign that this is the post I was meant to make.

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 Charlene, the person who gave birth to me, has always been emotionally abusive.  She was rude and hateful to me in public, she made me believe I was less than, and when I told her I had a drinking problem and was getting help through AA she said, “I didn’t raise a drunken slut who tries to kill herself.”  I was devastated, but I had been raised to respect my elders so I let it go.  She raised me to doubt myself and to believe that I wasn’t worth anything on my own.  I blame her for my decision to marry an abuser as she raised me to believe that no matter what someone did to you, you had to forgive them.  However, you really don’t.

She gaslit me my entire life and while I was married, she questioned how my husband would feel if I went to a writer’s retreat and left him with the kids, she questioned my decorating choices, and she questioned my parenting choices.  My final straw came when I told her that I was separating from my abusive husband and her question was “There’s not going to be a divorce is there?”  That was it.  I have never spoken to her since.  The first few months after our estrangement, she tried calling constantly, but I didn’t talk to her and I started to heal. 

Walking away from my mother was the best thing I ever did for myself.  She was no longer second guessing me and putting me down and I have healed so much from walking away from her toxicity.  However, it came with a price as you can never really walk away from just one person.  Once I made the decision, I had to walk away from everyone.  If I hadn’t, people would have been giving her information about me and guilting me to talk to her.

I believe the decision to walk away was worth it, but when I found out that my Aunt Gloria had died, I felt a little broken reading the comments from my family members.  I’m a little sad that I don’t belong to a family anymore and that it is just me and the kids.

What trauma did estranging myself from my family cause?

Interesting as the six of wands is not about trauma at all, but is about overcoming obstacles and coming out ahead.  However, as I reflect on this card, it makes me think about how my Grandmother Babcock always said that I thought I was better than everyone else and that I was stuck up.  I have to admit that there have been times since I have walked away from Charlene where I have felt guilty and felt that I achieved my success at her expense. 

I know that I worked hard for my degree and for everything that I had, but John instilled a lot of doubt into me around my degree as he always said it was handed to me and that mommy and daddy bought it for me.  It was true that my parents did pay for my school, but I am the one that showed up and did the work. It is easier to do the work when someone is supporting you, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t do anything.  

I really hate that I let people into my head.  I realize now that John’s comments were a direct result of his own insecurities and self loathing, but at the time I took it to heart.

The trauma was that I second guessed myself and felt guilty.

Was it the right decision?

The ten of cups tells me that it was most definately the right decision.  It was having the courage to walk away from my mother Charlene that gave me the life I have now.  What is ironic is that this is a card that is all about relationships and family and building strong familial relationships.  However, if I had chosen to keep her in my life, I don’t think I would have had the strong relationship I have with my own kids.  Walking away from her is what gave me my life and gave me my relationship with my kids.  They saw me take major steps to heal and that has given them a good example to follow.  It also taught them that you do not have to show respect and loyalty to people who disrespect you, no matter what the relationship.  

The other lesson from this card is that by walking away from someone who was toxic, I created space in my life for people who will love me just as I am.

What effect did it have on me?

Walking away from Charlene gave me the opportunity to stand on my own two feet and to set my roots deep into the ground.  It gave me the opportunity to build my fortune and to create a stable environment for myself and the kids.  This is amazingly true as I make $50K more than I did when I was still with John, I own my own house, and my credit is way better.  

Getting away from her toxicity meant that I quit hearing her bitchy doubting voice in my head.  However, I had to work hard to get rid of her voice.  I finally had to develop a meditation where whenever I heard her voice telling me I wasn’t good enough, I had Frank Reagan (Tom Selleck’s character from Blue Bloods) escort her to the door and tell her she wasn’t welcome.  At first he was very kind and gently with her, but he got more forceful when she kept coming back and being bitchy.  This is one of the most powerful meditations I’ve ever done and it helps me tremendously.

What do I do next?

I work to build the life of my dreams and to create a life that works for me.  The Wish Card is telling me to figure out what I want in my life and to put it out there.  This card is also about happiness and about building relationships.  This card is also about taking care of myself and doing things that make me happy.  It is about relaxing and letting go of all the worry and stress that I’m holding on to.  By doing those things and going within myself, I will find the life that is right for me.  My life is unique to me and I need to let go of all the weird things and just find who I am.

One of the big lessons I’m getting right now is to just do my job.  Do what is required of me and let go.  I need to let go of my ego attachments to work.  Work is a paycheck and that’s all.  I have never been able to do my job without putting my heart and soul into it because I always felt as if I wasn’t all in, I wasn’t earning my keep.  However, I’ve come to realize that I can do an acceptable job and earn my paycheck even if I’m not all in.  My job funds my life and that’s all.  That’s all I need it to do and that is okay.

How do I heal?

The four of swords tells me that I need to rest and relax and regroup.  I have survived a lot in my life and I need to take care of myself.  I need to pause taking care of others and make sure that I take care of myself.  That is hard for me to do as I often feel like no one can do things as well as I can.  And that means that I often volunteer to do things that aren’t my responsibility.  I need to let go of the need to always be the responsible one and to accept that sometimes I need to step aside.  People may not do things as well as I do, but that’s okay.  Sometimes they just need to get done.

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Floating away, lost in a book, coming down to earth

Book:  Thirst for information, an apprentice, being tested or judged, a time to let go of worry

Guidance:   Keep the lightbulb of curiosity turned on

Journaling:

I love the reminder to continue being curious.  There are times when I get so stressed out and school seems like so much work, but then I remember that I am learning so much and becoming a more informed person.  For the most part, I love the research but I have been so stressed lately and work has been such a grind that I’ve felt like I don’t have the time or energy for learning, but school is sacred and it is something that normally brings me joy.  I need to figure out how to let go of the things that don’t bring me joy so that I have the time and energy for school.

Where I’m At: It’s been a long day as I had a meeting until 7 and Cam did not get off until 10 which meant we ate super late.

Weather: It was about 50 out

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 91%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:38 am / 7: 33 pm

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March 3, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card because for me it is saying that books can lift you up and take you out of your ordinary world.  They do that by feeding imagination and providing knowledge.

Book:  Restless energy, thirst for information, ideas and reasoning, old ideals destroyed

Guidance:   Exciting page of swords energy to help answer the question of where I’m going

Journaling:

This is another card about using logic to figure out where I’m going instead of relying on my heart.  My gut reaction is to always go to my heart to figure out what the next step is, but the cards lately have been telling me to trust my brain.  My brain says that the logical course of action for now is to stay where I’m at.  My salary helps me to pay the bills and gives me a great lifestyle.  I’m also actually making progress on getting my bills paid off.  However, my heart doesn’t like that answer as I would rather ditch the job and move into something that feeds my soul.

My health is also a reason to stay at nestle as my drugs are flipping expensive and right now my insurance pays for them.

Where I’m At: It was a quiet evening at home.  Wendy wasn’t feeling well so I stayed with her and worked to help her feel better.

Weather: Cold and crisp

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:58 am / 6:19 pm

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 February 9, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Climbing high, listening to guidance from the little birdie, tenacity, doing whatever it takes

Book:  Harbinger of new beginning and new ideas, optimism, energy, thoughtfulness, curiosity

Guidance:  Use wit to succeed where others have failed

Journaling:

I’m mostly in a good place today as I had good meetings and I got a lot done, but I’m also feeling stuck.  Other people get to move into other roles and I’m stuck.  I’m also not happy that Glenn says he’s going to roll out the Digital Committee that I spearheaded.  It’s that battle with my ego again.  At the end of the day, I get paid so it isn’t a huge deal, but I hate the thought that other people think I suck because I’m stuck.

And there’s the rub, it is all about my ego and what other people think of me.  I really shouldn’t give a rat’s ass what other people think and be satisfied with that I do for the sake of doing it.  To a certain extent I am satisfied because i get to use my curiosity to see what i can make happen, but at the same token, it isn’t fair if other people take credit for my ideas.

The truth of the matter is I’m feeling stuck because I don’t like working for someone else.  I want to have the creativity to do research and to feed my soul.  I think I need to start a novena and just keep putting it out there.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home this week and am in a fairly good space.  The house is still messy and needs work, but since Mercury Retrograde is gone, I’m feeling better.

Mood:  I’m in a good mood today.  I got stuff done at work

Weather:   it is cold and crisp outside with the temp being 44 degrees.  It looks like a lot of the snow has melted.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 59%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:29 PM / 5:52 PM

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August 12, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Learning, knowledge, intellectual

Book:  Harmonious symmetry

Guidance:  Open your mind to new ideas, messages come through learning that are a catalyst for change

Journaling

Meeting Heather was such a godsend because it was so much easier to show up since I had already met someone.  I was also thrilled to see such an amazing group gather.  Today was truly a day about opening my mind to new ideas and realizing how intellectual learning stimulates my emotional learning.  I was also so pleased that there were people who were actually interested in my background and thought that I had something to contribute.

What is so amazing is that it truly does feel as if I’m found my niche where I belong and where I can actually add value to the world.  I think part of what I’m feeling right now is that I’m not learning, growing, and adding unique value to the world.  Being at this conference was truly all about learning and figuring out new pathways.  I don’t know what those new pathways are yet, but I do know that I’m definitely changing.

August 4, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Arrogance, facing the future

Book:  Intelligent and insightful, discovering what is hidden, not afraid to speak the truth

Guidance:  Tailor your talent to the world of human reality

JournalingThe meaning on this card makes me smile as I sometimes race ahead of everyone else and am left looking back waiting for them to catch up.  This card serves as a reminder that I live in the human realm and I need to be kind and to help others along instead of racing ahead of everyone else because I can.  My job generally helps me with that as I get a reminder on every project what it is like to be back at the beginning and starting over. 

The page of swords also serves as a reminder that learning can be fun and that it can be amazing to jump into a pool of new knowledge and learn something new.  We often get so caught up in being the smartest person in the world that we forget what it is like to have beginner’s mind and start from the beginning. 
Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the yummy Spanglish and flirting with the guy behind the counter
I’m grateful for the safe drive to Chicago
I’m grateful that the Delta fixed my reservation for me
I’m grateful that it was a nice day for a drive
I’m grateful for driving down State Street with my top down

I’m grateful for seeing the beautiful moon

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Deck:  Sacred Traveler Oracle

First Impressions:  Walking toward my destiny

Book:  You have been called.  Follow the signs and miracles will abound

Guidance:  The time is now

Major Events this Week:  I have a lot of meetings this week, but nothing major

Journaling

Being called can be amazing or it can be terrifying.  I know my destiny isn’t in working at a crappy big company that makes shitty food, but I don’t know what my destiny is.  However, one of the things I have learned is that sometimes you just have to go with the flow and not work too hard to find the clues.  There have been times when I would get all worked up about what I was supposed to do and I missed clues because I was working too hard to find them.  Sitting back and waiting for the call is hard for me as I don’t have a lot of patience, but I will do it and things will flow as they are meant to flow.  I will also work to be open to the universe.