Author: Raine Shakti

May 3, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Harvest, patience, waiting

Book:  Appraisal, procrastination, investment, reflect

Guidance: The rooster’s call must be heeded

Journaling:

For me this call is about taking time to reflect and being patient.  And this is the message that I needed to hear today.  I felt like my heart was ripped out when I was told the PhD program was on hold.  My initial reaction was of course that my life is over, it’s never going to happen, blah, blah, blah.  However, that was not what was said.  What was said was that I need to be patient.  I tend to jump in and fill in the blanks and not right now always ends up translating to never. 

It is interesting that I got this news on the same day that the freaks in SCOTUS put Roe at risk.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I cannot control the universe and I need to be patient and see how things play out.

Where:  It was a travel day today, but as usual I packed the day full of meetings, then got to the airport and tried to do more work.  Going to Chicago is always interesting as it still feels like home to a certain extent.  I had Portillo’s tonight, but it ended up making me viciously sick.  A lot of that was probably stress as I found out the PhD program at Western is on hold and there is a leaked draft that makes it clear Roe will probably be overturned.

Weather:  It was cold and rainy today.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 7%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:18 am / 8:27 PM

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First Impressions:  Chasing prosperity

Book:  Reaching eagerly toward many projects

Guidance:  Pause and reflect on your goals before chasing them all

Journaling:

This card captured my attention today because that’s how I feel about life right now.  I have so many good things going on in my life that it is hard to decide on just one path.  I want to finish my degree, I want to continue to build my practice, I want a relationship, I want to travel, etc. etc. etc.  However, one of the lessons that I’ve learned, and so have many other women that I know, is that you can’t have it all at once.  You might be able to have it all, but if you try to have it all at once, you will end up stressed and burned out.  That’s unfortunate and it often means that the things I want with my heart and not my head end up on the back burner because there is not enough time for it all.  And sometimes it means that I have to choose one of the things I want with my heart and hope that they will lead to the other things.

Right now, I want to get my degree, but I also want to have healthy and consistent spiritual practices and what I’m finding is that it is really hard to do both.  My taroting is a good example of that because I wrote my gratitudes for this post on 08/22, I picked the card a few days later, but I’m actually writing the post on 09/14.  I’ve been trying to be more consistent about my taroting because it is important to me, but work and school keep getting in the way and while taroting is important to me spiritually, school also has a spiritual component because it is helping me to have insights about myself, who I really am, etc. 

I guess the key is the same as the key is to everything else, doing the best I can every day and some days that is going to mean that I spend more time working on school and less on spiritual practices, but there will also be some days when I am able to actually make time for spiritual practices and spend less time on school work.  I’ve also learned that trying to have a hard and fast approach to balance never works and I have to be willing and able to go with the flow.

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First Impressions:  Plenty, growth, letting things grow around you

Book:  You have poured yourself into a project, now it can carry itself

Guidance:  Pause a moment, ponder the past, and assess the future, are things bearing fruit as you expected?  Be patient and give yourself time to decide the next step

Journaling

This is not my favorite representation of the seven of pentacles, but I like this card because it has the energy of assessment and waiting.  It is looking at what you’ve accomplished and trying to figure out what’s next.  This is where I’m at right now as I’m looking at my life and trying to figure out what’s next.  There is a part of me that wants to say F* it all and go back to school full time, but I also know that I can’t afford to do that so I have to figure out how to get where I want to be while still working full time.  I know that saying F* it and walking away is not the answer, which leaves me with deciding whether to stay or go at my current job.

As I read this, I think I have my answer as I’m realizing that my job gives me what I want and need as I have the time to work on school and to continue moving forward while still getting paid.  That is a good feeling.  I don’t like the thought of being poor, but I also am kind of bored with work.  I think where I’m at right now is that I can have my cake and eat it as I get paid a significant amount of money and I do have time to work on school

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First Impressions:  Patience and in it for the long haul

Book:  Months, nurturing his garden, harvest to be reaped, anxiety over the future

Guidance:  Time for patience, try not to be anxious, ponder your next move

Journaling

This is a reminder just like all the truths that slow and steady wins the race.  I can’t undo 50 years of bad habits in a short amount of time.  I need to take the time to truly build a relationship with my body and nurture it.  That is especially important if I am choosing to go the natural route and not do drugs.  I have to build and nurture this relationship and I need to make it a priority.  That means the big things like not traveling overnight to the little things like drinking enough water.  I need to take  care of me and I don’t do a really good job of that.

Dearest ones,

Please help me to love and nurture my body and to do the things I need to do to feel better.

Blessed Be,
Raine                                                                                                                                                 

December 27, 2018

I used to hate this card because it was a reminder that I could not change everything overnight.  However, I’ve learned to appreciate it because it tells me that with a little bit of effort and patience I will see changes.  I have started to see those changes as my blood sugar is inching my way down and when I do the right things, it is in a good place.  My body is actually very responsive when I treat it with love and respect.  I’m also realizing that slow is better and my goal for 2018 is to do something every day.  I don’t have to be a kamikazi and walk a million miles a day, but I do have to get out and do something even if it is just a walk around the block.

A blog hop is an excellent opportunity to explore new blogs and learn new things.  The Tarot Blog Hop is a way to learn more about tarot.

The challenge for this group of hoppers was as follows:

Beltane, celebrated on May 1st, is a celebration of fun, frivolity, and lovers.  As the Lovers card is all about choices, this Tarot Blog Hop is about choices you’ve made or need to make in your life.  Your call to action is choose between the following options or make up your own choice for this Sacred Spring Hop:

• Develop a spread around the Lovers card

• Pull cards and look at the results of choices you’ve made

• Pull cards and ask about a choice you need to make

• Examine Lovers cards from various decks and what they mean to you

The only requirement for this hop, aside from the normal ones listed below, is that you keep it PG rated.

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The Hoppers

Jaye Anne Healing

Jay Cassells

Joy Vernon

Tarot of Change 

Quiet Bonnie

María Luisa Salazar 

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As the Wrangler, my challenge to the group was as follows.

Beltane, celebrated on May 1st, is a celebration of fun, frivolity, and lovers.  As the Lovers card is all about choices, this Tarot Blog Hop is about choices you’ve made or need to make in your life.  Your call to action is choose between the following options or make up your own choice for this Sacred Spring Hop:

• Develop a spread around the Lovers card

• Pull cards and look at the results of choices you’ve made

• Pull cards and ask about a choice you need to make

• Examine Lovers cards from various decks and what they mean to you

The only requirement for this hop, aside from the normal ones listed below, is that you keep it PG rated.

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I chose to use the Sacred Rose cards for this hop and as I was developing my spread, I turned to the guidance in the book Reveal the Secrets of the Sacred Rose for the Lovers Card.  The guidance says, “The Lovers represents that part of us all which must decide between the things we desire that would make us content and the things that are rightly ours.”  The book went on to say, “The choice of which direction to take is now yours.  Your will is your own, do not allow others to make decisions for you.  Growth can be your reward if you make the correct choice.”

I chose to ask about my job situation because I am in a job that pays me very well, but that bores me.  I would rather work in a job that feeds my soul, but I don’t think I can find a job that feeds my soul that pays me enough.

For me, choices usually come down to what my heart wants and my head wants, so I designed a spread that asked about what my heart wants and what my head wants.  The last card provides guidance.  I played with various questions to see if I could get to six questions to match the number of the Lovers card.  However, as I thought about that, I realized that even though the Lovers is number 6, it is the seventh card in the deck as the Fool is 0.

What does my heart want? (King of Wands)

My heart wants the fiery King of Wands, which tells me I want to follow my passion.  I want to shine a light in the ugly corners of the world and be a helper.  The book reading for this card is all about doing good, being passionate, helping set right the wrongs of the world.  The book also says that the King can be hasty in his decisions, but is always ready to put right any wrongs he may have done.

What is interesting for me is that I pulled a King card in this position as the Kings are also about authority and leading and not about actually doing the work.  In a lot of ways this is true as my passion is research and digging through the data to get to the story.  This could be viewed as being a leader and as laying out the path for others to follow.  I’m also interested in teaching, so this could also fall into the King of Wands space.

Positives of what my heart wants? (Five of Pentacles)

The Five of Pentacles is an interesting card to pull here as the traditional meaning of this card is being left out in the cold and in some decks is about financial ruin and tragedy.  However, I generally read it is about being willing to ask for help and no longer being isolated.  The reading from the book is also interesting as it says, “This card shows both poverty and the possibility of wealth and indicates one who learns through the failures of the past.”  It also says, “One who sees the error of their ways and can begin anew.”

This is a very deep reading in this position because it is telling me their are positives in following my heart as I can’t do it alone and I will need to ask for help, which is also hard for me.”  In terms of learning from the mistakes of the past, I’m not good at asking for help and have assumed I could do things on my own.  My gut is also telling me that I need to let go of preconceptions about what a job helping others would pay and also let go of my need to make so much money.

All in all, this is a hard card in this position.  There will definately be positives, but they will come through learning and sacrifice.

Negatives of what my heart wants? (Eight of Cups)

This card is telling me that I will be taking myself with me and that I cannot escape my own tendencies to be unsatisfied.  This card is also telling me that even if I get the job I want, it may not satisfy me in the ways I think it will.  The book says, “The old way will be discarded in order that the new may be born.”  

Intuitively, this card is being real with me and telling me that I could sacrifice everything I have to go down a new path and it may not be worth it.  I could end up just as unhappy as I am now and without some of the benefits I have now in my life.

What does my head want? (Four of Wands)

My head wants to stop having to work so hard and to be able to celebrate what I have.  It wants to take a pause and appreciate what I’ve accomplished.  The aspects of ritual, family, and celebration that are here are also important to me perfectly because I have to admit I love shows that have a “work family” where people genuinely like each other and want what is best for each other.  I’ve never truly had that as most work environments I’ve been in have been corporate where people are out for each other.

When i look at this card, the words that come to me are a “structure that supports joy.”  That’s an interesting phrase and for me that mean
s that the organization has to be one that allows for fun and joy and is not all about profit.  This makes a lot of sense as most corporate organizations are all about the money and all about moving forward.  There doesn’t seem to be room in them for the people that make things happen.  People are just a resource.

Positives of what my head wants? (Page of Pentacles)

This is another interesting card that I’m not 100 percent sure how to read.  When I close my eyes and reflect, the meaning I get is to treasure what I have earned through my life.  I should not be so quick to discard the physical realm.  I am a hard worker and that’s not a bad thing.  I have learned a lot from the life I’ve lived and maybe there is a way to take those learnings and the money I’ve made into the future.

Negatives of what my head wants? (Ten of Swords)

Wow!  This card is telling me to be aware of backstabbing and people who pretend to be my friend, but are out for what I have.  This card is also about grief and sorrow about wrong decisions and about looking back on past dreams that haven’t materialized.  I think this card is telling me that those wonderful work families that I see on TV don’t really exist.  Work is work and I need to take off my rose colored glasses and see it for what it is.

As I look at this card, the phrase that keeps going through my head is “death by a thousand cuts.”  This is interesting because I think that defines my relationship with my current job.  There is not one thing that is horrendous enough to kill me or make me walk out, but it is 1000 little microaggressions that grind you down.  

Guidance (Ten of Cups)

The guidance I’m getting is to choose happiness.  This is a card that tells me that health, wealth, and happiness are mine, if I choose to have them.  What I am learning is that life is a series of choices and that I can choose the circumstances that will best enable me to have happiness.  However, even if I choose the right circumstances, I still need to choose happiness.  I need to choose to let go of the microaggressions, I need to choose to realize those are about the aggressor and not me.  I need to choose to let go of the people in my life who are not there for me and who don’t provide the support I need.  

Once I choose happiness, the divinatory meaning of this card can come true which is “Happiness at home and work.  Pleasure and contentment in all environments.  A good family life, with both a love for and a love of others bring esteem, joy, and contentment.”

Conclusion

Wow!  This was one of those deep readings that had a lot of depth and width.  And in the end, as the lovers card indicates, it all comes down to choice.  A choice to be happy.

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October 23, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix  

First Impressions:  This card always makes me think of the matrix as the figure is looking through the drawings

Book:  Approach projects with youthful exuberant energy.

Guidance:   Creativity and diligence will take you far

Journaling:

I am so glad it is Autumn.  I struggled all summer because it was miserably hot and I just felt sick constantly.  I am actually starting to feel better again and I know that once I get back on track with my meds i will feel better and better.  I think I just have to do my due diligence in the icky months (May through September) and proactively take allergy and sinus pills and accept that I will be low energy.

What is interesting is that I’m snuggling into the darkness and reveling in death practices.  I don’t exactly know why the study of death makes me feel comforted, but it does.  It makes me feel connected to my ancestors and it is a reminder that we all end up dead.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and we were going to go to the zoo, but didn’t because Seano needed sleep.  However, I had a good day as I got a lot of work done around the house, sat outside with the doggos for a while, then watched Top Gun Maverick.  It was an interesting movie as it was full of the air acrobatics you would expect, but there were also some touching moments as you saw the old war horse come through and save the day.

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day outside.  The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 5%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:46/6:34

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April 28, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Joyousness, life blood, child

Book:  Enthusiasm, beginning a new path, initiation

Guidance:  Be a shepherd to your own instincts

Journaling:

The saying be a shepherd to your own instincts really resonates with me a it means that we need to evaluate our instincts and herd them in the right direction.  I sometimes have instincts that are not healthy as I have suffered so much trauma in my life.  My first instinct is to seek revenge and destroy people who are unkind to me.  However, I realize now that those instincts are rooted in the trauma that I suffered in the past.  While in the past, I could not walk away from bullies or put them in their place with a word, I have that power now.

I have also learned that one of the best ways to put a bully in their place is to be successful and to be your own person.  As I reflect on my life, I realize is that this is why other people were able to just say Ahmed is an idiot, while I took what he said to heart and let it get under my skin.  Other people understood that his hatefulness was his own thing, but I took it as a reflection on me.  I need to step back from the Evil M and realize that this is her own thing and really has nothing to do with me.  Of course, then my lizard brain goes, “But she could destroy you at work.”  However, my grownup brain knows that’s not true.  I can just walk away.  I have enough experience that comments from her are not going to destroy me.

Where: I’m home this week and sitting in my messy living room.  I cannot wait to be done with school, because then I’m going to deep clean the house.  It will take a while, but I’ll get it done

Weather:  It is cold, but clear outside

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 6%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:25 am / 8:22 PM

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February 15, 2022

First Impressions:  Industry, taking care of others, co-creating reality

Book:  Settling goals, loyalty, positivity, opportunities, manifestation

Guidance:  Welcome a fresh start

Journaling:

I love this card and seeing it always reminds me of Heidi up in the alps with her goats.  The message I take from this is to take care of others and to co-create your own reality.  While we do influence our lives, we also co-create reality with every person and system we interact with.  I think the thing we often forget about realty is that we are impacted by the systems we interact with and those systems are often racist and sexist and designed to deny success to anyone who does not look like the majority (white and male).  

This raises the question of whether or not it is possible to create a life outside of the mainstream.  A life where the things that I value are valued.  Sometimes I feel so trapped in capitalism and lately I feel even more trapped because it is the insurance I have through my job that pays for my $3,500 worth of medicine every month.  It is outrageous that these drugs cost this much.

I guess the only thing to do is keep turning it over and see where I end up.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today sitting on the couch before I need to get to work.

Mood: I don’t feel good as I have a lousy sinus infection/allergies today, but I’m not in a bad mood.  I’m also tired because the big GreyBe did not sleep well so she kept me up.

Weather:  It is 11 degrees and sunny outside.  It is one of those bright and sunny days where the sun makes it look so much warmer than it is.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 98%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:21 am / 5:59 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Learning, intelligence

Journaling

I’m not doing my usual recap because I just pulled this card two days ago.  I have no clue as to what it means,but this card has shown up about four ties lately.   The page can be about a need to focus to gain rewards.  It could be an opportunity or an invitation. 

Spirit,

Please tell me what the page of pentacles means for me.  Thank you.

For now, I am going to go about my business and trust that it will all be revealed to me.

December 29, 2018  Revisit

I’m realizing that in retrospect, the Page was telling me two things.  The first is about Cam and supporting her love of learning and the second is about my own love of learning.  The Page is telling me that it is right to explore and learn and to follow my passions.  I am so excited about going back to grad school.  I know it will be challenging, but I’m also very very excited.

April 3, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Wonder, intelligence

Book:  My path is wide open and I am prepared for new adventures

Guidance: Could represent someone young who is depending on me, time to start over

Journaling

This is another card that has been stalking me.  I am not sure if it refers to Cam just starting out or if it represents me beginning a new endeavor.  Whatever it represents, I am just glad that I am out of my black funk and ready to move forward.  I almost feel like this card is Cam in her sparkling boots holding her future in her hands.

December 27, 2018  Revisit

This card definitely feels like me today.  I am so excited to be starting school and beginning a new adventure.  The most amazing part of this adventure is that I’m not 100 percent sure where it is going to lead me and I’m okay with that.  I’m not feeling like I have to know the outcome.  I’m just ready to see where it leads me and that in and of itself is an amazing place to be.

November 2, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Excitement for new projects

Book:  Wanting to make a difference, pragmatic, results oriented, excited about learning

Guidance:  Stay focused

Journaling

This was a great card to receive today as I needed the reminder that I do have what it takes to achieve what I want.  I just need to stay focused and do the work.  It’s harder to apply the skills I use in the work world to love, but I’m getting there.

I do know that I need to spend the next year focused on my body.

May 27, 2018 Revisit

I haven’t done such a good job focusing on my body and I really do need to take a step back and figure out what my poor neglected body needs to do to thrive.  A lot of it has to do with taking the time to eat healthy food and to let go of my addiction to sugar.  I’m realizing that the sugar addiction is the same as the alcohol addiction when I was younger.  I crave soda and I have rituals around it.  I need to go back to the first step and admit that I am powerless over sugar and that my life around it has become uncontrollable.  I need to focus on finding healthy solutions, eating more fruit, and really letting go of my addiction to the hard stuff (i.e. sugar).  This is day two without soda and I’m not feeling too badly.  I also bought some caffeine patches which I hope will help me.

April 11, 2016

Deck:  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  New beginnings, intellectual curiosity

Book:  New skills and knowledge, wanting to understand the earth, letting the childish wonder out

Guidance:  Taking risks, don’t be shallow, have good faith

Affirmation:  I let the childish wonder out.

Journaling

What an appropriate card to pull today.  It will be interesting to see where this leads me.  I feel a lot more hopeful today.  Everyone totally supports having OCM.  I just have to get through this initial phase.  I know we will soon sell OCM and I will be uber busy.  I just have to get through this initial phase and I have to trust.  That’s not something that I’m good at.

May 17, 2016 Update

I’m still feeling hopeful.  Part of me hates being viewed as a newbie, but it also means I have lots of opportunities to learn.

January 14, 2022 Revisit

It’s interesting to read this and know that it was shortly after I started at itelligence.  I am so proud of the work that I did there.  It was hard and I felt totally out of my element, but I persevered and created an OCM practice I was proud of.  For me, it doesn’t matter so much if what I did “stuck” or if NTT jumped in and took over, what matters is that I had grit and I was creative and I sold a lot of OCM.  It wasn’t perfect and there are things I would have done better, but going through this experience and learning and growing and realizing what I was capable of was invaluable.  It really helped me to see what I can do when I put my mind to it.   The challenge for me will be having the grit to do this for myself and not for a company.  That is, in some ways, a harder challenge.

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April 25, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Collaboration, helping one another, fun colors, genuine liking

Book:  Finding meaning in work, cooperation, talent

Guidance:  Use the right tool for the job

Journaling:

This is a hard card for me as I like to have my own little sphere of influence and I hate it when people step on my toes.  That is why I am good at process work as I do a great job collaborating with people who are upstream and downstream from me, but I don’t do a good job of collaborating with people who do the same job as I do because I want to do my job in a way that I see fit and I don’t want people telling me what to do.  That’s a big part of the reason that I struggle with the Evil M as she is incredibly bossy and wants to drive how everyone does things.  I hate that as I have learned from my work experience that we are not robots and that we all need the latitude to tweak how we do things.

What I’ve come to realize is that this is not a character flaw and that it is really just accepting of how life is.  I used to want everyone to follow the same processes, but then Ted told me that that was taking away people’s ability to be creative and to like their job.  And that really resonated with me and I found it so true.

Where: I’m home this week and I am off work today and tomorrow so that I can finish my papers that are due.  One is due and turned in, one is almost complete, and one is outlined.

Weather:  It is a little cold out and might rain, but it isn’t horrible.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 28%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:29 am / 8:18 PM

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March 11, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  I know it isn’t meant to, but it looks like a stoplight.  I like this card because it takes out the religious symbolism of the cad.

Book:  Cooperation, community, teaching and learning, team work

Guidance:   Collaborate

Journaling:

Collaboration is hard for me.  I see the beauty of co-creating, but I have also been burned so many times by people who were supposed to have my back, but failed me.  There were school projects were people did not do their part, there were work projects where I was left holding the bag, and then there was my marriage.  We were supposed to be partners, but John was never capable of being my partner.  He was incapable of carrying his weight financially, but he refused to pick up he slack at home.  I never really cared about whether or not he made as much money as me, but I cared that he refused to contribute.  There were so many times when he refused to get a job and refused to take care of the house.  It was never fair that I had to carry the entire burden.  I still carry the bulk of the burden, but the kids are starting to step up.

However, when I reflect on my life, there have been times when I have known true collaboration.  Project work is all about collaboration.  And my team mates at Da Bird are stepping up to do their part.  It is pretty cool to see.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting at home and I am so thankful that it is Friday.  It was a super rough week at work and I wasn’t sure I would get though it.  But I did and I have two days off!  yeah.

Weather:   It is cold and snowy tonight

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 60%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:45 am / 6:28 pm

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February 12, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Card:  Three of Coins

First Impressions:  Working together, collaboration, magick happening when people work together

Book:  Studying, growth, collaboration, success, recognition

Guidance:  All things are possible through collaboration

Journaling:

This is an amazing card to pull today as I had a really good session with Dr. Perkins.  She made some great suggestions about my dissertation proposal that made sense and will help me have a good project that is important and doable within the time frame of a PhD.  I’m hopeful that I will actually see this project to fruition, then I don’t know what’s next for me.  It’s funny that for me the allure of the PhD is not about the degree and being “Dr. Shakti.”  it is about learning and researching and putting information together in new and different ways.  I have a good feeling about where this is going to lead.

Where I’m At:  I’m home and utterly exhausted.  I know it is trauma exhaustion a I pulled some cards and did some journaling today about trauma.  This is a familiar feeling as after really good and healing acupuncture sessions, I would feel this same exhaustion.

Mood:  I’m in a good mood today even if I am tired.  Wendy is healing, we’re getting the house clean.

Weather:   It is 21 and snowy.  It’s also overcast and glooming as the sun is getting ready to set.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 84%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:25 PM / 5:56 PM

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January 30, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Joy, happiness, sharing, making music together

Book:  Studying, growth, collaboration, respect

Guidance:  Learn from one another

Where I’m at:  I’m at home, snuggled up on my sofa with Clarkie snoring away at the other end.  I also have a candle burning on my 2022 altar and I’m enjoying the peace that comes with having the house mostly to myself this morning.  I’ve spent the last hour working on my assignment for my comparative religion research class and I’m realizing how much I love research.

Mood:  Overall, I’m in a good mood today as I’m taking time to just relax and enjoy the day.  However, I do have a killer headache and I’m not sure if it is from traveling or something else.

Weather:  It’s cold and clear with a temperature of 20 and a real feel of 14.  And we are supposed to get even more snow.  I think there has been more snow this year than any year that I recall.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 1% illumination

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:40 am / 5:39 pm

Journaling:

As I’m reflecting on this, I often focus on the learn from others aspect of this card and do not think about learning from one another in the sense that I also have something to share.  I am in an interesting place at work lately as I’m being called upon to mentor and share my knowledge more than every before.  That has historically been a challenge for me as I like to be special and hold my knowledge close to the chest.  However, I’m realizing that if I want to move up and have different responsibilities, I need to be willing to help others learn how to do what I do now.   I was thinking the other day about the people I have learned the most from in my life and I realize that it is the people who shared their knowledge that I looked up to.  It was the willingness to share openly that made them special and not the knowledge itself.  All of these folks also treated me with respect and as if my lack of knowledge was just that, a lack of knowledge and not a personal failing.  I’m looking forward to moving to a new role and helping others get better.

The other thing I’m realizing as I’m working on my research paper is that there are other ways to collaborate than being face to face in a room with other people.  Even though I’ve never met the authors of the articles I’m reading, I’m collaborating with them because we are sharing knowledge across time and space and I’m learning things and may have new ways of thinking about what they wrote.

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 December 27, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Key Words:  #tarot three of coins learning from one another, collaboration, humility, room to grow, open to new ideas

Journaling

This card speaks to the joy of collaboration and of knowing that people have your back and are there to support you.  It speaks to being open to new ideas and to letting those ideas flow.

As I am someone who always has to be in competition with someone, it is hard to collaborate and share ideas.  I’m currently working with someone who challenges me and constantly asks me to explain myself and justify my way of thinking.  I find this incredibly annoying as I’m used to doing things my own way and not having to collaborate or get agreement from a peer on how I do things.  There is a part of me that wants to dismiss everything she says because I do not like feeling challenged.  However, when I am able to see past my ego, I realize that some of her ideas are worth considering.

The funny thing about it is that I love to collaborate with people who have complementary roles, but I struggle when someone is “invading my space” or has skills that are in the same domain as mine.  When that happens, I want to draw a big boundary around what is mine.  This card is telling me that even if other people have good ideas, it doesn’t mean that I am any less special.

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August 13, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Pay Attention

Book:  Remembering Wholeness

Guidance:  Skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance

Journaling

I initially picked this card because one of its associations is collaboration and for me this week is all about collaboration.  We all need to share knowledge and work together in order to create amazing things.  However, that being said, I belief it is also true that skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance and that is part of why I am in this class.  For me, I am starting to realize that true abundance has very little to do with the size of my paycheck.  My paycheck pays the bills and provides me with stuff, but it really doesn’t bring me much abundance.  In fact, being unhappy at work is one of the worst feelings in the world because I put my whole heart and soul into work so when that positive emotion is not returned and I’m shit on, it’s really hard for me to deal with and I’ve been shit on a lot lately.  However, none of that matters because at the end of the day it is just work and there are other jobs out there. 

What I have found so amazing about this week is how the ideas are flowing and how everyone is sharing and listening to each other.  I have learned so much about religion, spirituality, and health and it really makes me realize exactly how much I have to learn and made me realize how much I have to contribute if I can figure out how to get my PhD and make it work.  I don’t know what that looks like and I don’t know how to do it, but I will just keep opening up and listening to spirit and I will figure it out.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful that Dr. Oliver was interested in my presentation
I’m grateful that Jason sat with me
I’m grateful that I didn’t get pinged too much from work
I’m grateful for the yummy whoppers
I’m grateful for hanging out with Cam and chilling
I’m grateful to Sean for sending pics of the dogs
I’m grateful Charmin listened

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July 22, 2019

Deck:  World Tarot

First Impressions:  Sharing, consulting, agreeing

Book:  Card of craftspeople and artisans, doing what you love enough to be supported by it, do work that honors you

Guidance:  Be prepared for hard work

Journaling

It’s interesting as I’ve always read this card as cooperation and working with others, but this card doesn’t speak to it as it speaks to individual efforts.  I did go back to check the meanings in other books and there are books that read the card as collaboration, but this card doesn’t and focuses on an individual’s personal effort.  This gives me something different to think about as I had chosen this card in the hopes that it would inspire cooperation and teamwork.  Oddly, enough in a way it did as we did have a fairly peaceful day today without a lot of drama.

However, when I look at what the card based on this reading, I realize that this is yet another message that I’m at a turning point and that I need to be prepared for my life to change in a big way.  It makes sense because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on what I want to be when I grow up and I know I want to write, I want to inspire people, but I don’t know if I want to work one on one with people as that takes a lot of emotional energy.  I’m going to keep working with Cam on Cairn by Cairn and work on putting classes together and we’ll see where it goes.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful John showed me how to do the PDF thing
I’m grateful for a good Case for Change workshop
I”m grateful there was not much drama today
I’m grateful I have a mostly dark room
I’m grateful for the quiet tonight
I’m grateful for my lemon candle
I’m grateful for a great shower
I’m grateful for yummy sushi
I’m grateful for Rainier cherries and the amazing taste they have

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April 16, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Collaborate

Book:  Body, mind, and spirit are linked in collaboration.  Having deals, being practical, persevering through obstacles

Guidance:  Cultivate a deep understanding, building a foundation

Affirmation:  I build a solid foundation

Journaling

What a crazy day.  I was supposed to meet someone Cam knows at the library, but we ended up in lockdown.  I’ve been thinking about the topic of collaboration a lot.  I’ve also been thinking about faith and the need to truly trust.  I’ve been sabotaging myself by all the doubts and all the magick.  They would not have given me these feelings if it wasn’t going to work.  That’s all I need to know.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

I’m realizing that I’m not at peace with myself and that’s part of why I am on edge.  I feel betrayed by my body and as a result of that feeling of betrayal, I abuse my body with sugar.  I feel like my poor body is crying out with pain, but I just push myself harder.  I don’t honor my body.  I’m not even sure how to start:  massage, vitamin, or sleep?  meditation, lotion.  I think I start with being kind to myself.

January 14, 2022 Revisit

The day that we ended up locked in the library was the day that someone killed someone for no reason and broadcast it on Facebook.  The guy that was killed, Robert Godwin, was walking home and minding his own business when this fucker (and I’m not saying his name) pulled up and shot him in the face.  The shooter didn’t know him or anything.  Our world is such a sick place sometimes.

On the other part of this, abusing my body, unfortunately I still do that.  My blood sugar and cholesterol are through the roof but I keep eating crap.  Part of it is because I’m busy, but part of it is that I’m so unhappy with my life that I eat sugar to feel better.  I think the thing I need to do to change is to find a way to like my life better.

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December  29, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the way the man is holding the pentacles and checking them to make sure they are correct.  This card traditionally speaks to collaboration and working together.

Book:  Creating and delighting in the process, collaboration, Creating what you envision, skill and spiritual values, spiritual renovation.

Guidance:  Cooperate with others, new work from a spiritual perspective.

Journaling:

I love thinking about opening my soul to renovation.  To me that speaks of making something good even better.  I am finally starting to appreciate the beauty and wonder that is me.  I’m appreciating my strengths and my perseverance.  I have been given and amazing life and I am so far of how far I’ve come and all that I’ve gone through to get here. 

However I can also appreciate that my halo is a little dirty and could use some polishing.  I know that I have work to do in letting go and forgiving.  I’m also realizing I have work to do in accepting healing work as a valid way to spend my time.  I sometimes get so caught up in beating myself up for reading a book or reading my tarot cards that I forget that I’m human and my body needs rest and my soul needs this healing work.  Sitting here and reading cards and journaling is a valid way to spend my time.

I think I’m jealous because people with addiction get 30 days or so to work on healing and other bruised and broken people are expected to just pick themselves up and move on with no down time.  After my divorce, it would have been amazing to check out of life for 30 days and focus on healing.  It would have been awesome to have structured workshops on different aspects of healing and to have someone guide me through the process of becoming whole again.  I instead I was left to flounder and find my own path.  I am so fortunate that I found people to help me and guide me and now I may be being led to create a program to help others.  It truly is a sacred duty.

Dearest Ones,

Please guide me to create a program that will help others grow and change.  Help me find ways to make people’s burdens just a little lighter.

December 29, 2017

The message I’ve been getting from my guides lately is that I need to focus on me and focus on what is helping me.  I can be an example to others to help them heal by following in my footsteps, but it is not time yet to be more active in creating something.  I need to do the prep work and build the foundation before I jump right in.  I’m really good at jumping right in, but I need to build my website slowly, build some class content because that’s fun for me.  Continue helping Scott, but I don’t need to jump in with both feet right now.

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December 4, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Losing all progress, being unbalanced, Arrogance, not needing anyone

Book: Inefficiency, working at cross purposes, state of inner and outer discord, exhausted, overworked, burned out, not taking enough care

Guidance:  Be aware of losing the magical connection to process and project, reconsider the team you are working with

Journaling

Interesting guidance as I’ve been thinking about the team in my life and I’m realizing that I surround myself with users who don’t give back.  John was a user, A can be a user to a certain extent, L is definitely a user.  My gives give back what they can, but I’m definitely carrying the heaviest load. 

I’m wondering if part of the reason I’m struggling with manifesting love and relationships is that I have nothing left to give.  I’m overdrawn emotionally and spiritually and there is no one to fill up my reserves and take care of me.  I’m really torn about mentoring someone right now because it feels as if it is someone taking from me without getting anything back and I don’t have a lot to give right now.

I need to give some serous thought as to whether or not this is working and whether I can do it.  I have to give serious thought to how to refill my well.

January 23, 2018

The universe has been telling me lately that I’m running on empty and I need to recharge.  They are screaming this message at me as I left both my computer charger and the charger for my DVD player at home.  If that’s not a big time screaming message that I’m out of energy, I don’t know what is.  One of the ways this project has been really good for me is that I have had to rely on others and haven’t been able to just jump in and do everything.  I’ve had to let others do the heavy lifting and that has been really difficult for me. 

Right now I’m working on ways to stop the energy drain and the first one is better boundaries to stop expending energy on random strangers.  That means tuning out the people who talk at me on planes, taking the bus instead of a cab when I can, and, if all else fails, telling people I don’t have time to talk to them.  That sounds so rude, but right now I am in survival mode from an energy drain and I need to take care of myself.

I also need to find ways to recharge.  I’m glad the weather is getting better because I love to walk outside and that really helps me recharge my energy..  I’m also going to take my turns walking the Clarken.

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October 27, 2016

Deck:  Fairy Tarot

First Impressions:  Learning from others, collaboration

Book:  Integrity and ethics, spirit of service, unity, combining vision, skill, and spiritual values, spiritual renovation

Guidance:  Learn from others, trust others

Journaling

Perfect card for me to draw today.  This lawsuit threw me for a loop, but I received and instead of hiding from it, I stepped up and did what needed to be done.  I had to rely on my teammates and ask for help.  I also had to accept and realize that I have to breathe and I can’t get all swirly.  Getting all swirly doesn’t help a whole lot.  Again, pulling this card today has helped me stay focused.

May 25, 2018 Reflection

The lawsuit turned out to be a non-event.  The insurance company settled with the for $25K, which is a whole lot less than they were asking for.  This was a case of my turning it over, asking for help, and it all working out.  At the end of the day, there was nothing that I could really do about it so the only option that I had was to turn it over.

I wish the rest of life was so easy to turn over.  I let myself get all weird and swirly over stuff that I can’t control and I need to stop.  I need to learn to breath and to turn things over.  Life is so much better when I am able to do that.

 I was abused physically and emotionally during my marriage.  John would hit me, he put my head through a wall, and he beat me with a baseball bat in the last months of my marriage.  The worst was the emotional abuse as he would degrade me, call me names, and gaslight me.  I’d thought I had processed it all and was healing.  However, then I had a dream.

We were in a little country diner and it was when I was still married to John.  He was having lunch with what I thought was a friend and I had not seen him for a while as he was staying with someone else.  I was excited and came in and sat beside him.  He elbowed me off the bench and said something about not wanting to see my fat ass.  He was incredibly cruel (like he usually is) and made a comment to the person he was with about me being a piece of shit and not worthy of his time.  I was so embarrassed.

However, then the amazing part came in.  The waitress came over and asked if I was okay.  She also took me to the owner of the place out of sight of John.  The owner told me that his behavior wasn’t okay and that she’d gotten a text from the person he was sitting with, who happened to be the sheriff, saying it wasn’t okay and that she was to find out what I needed to be safe.  As soon as that happened, John would be kicked out of town and never allowed back in.  I was floored.  I told her that I couldn’t leave the house because the mortgage was in my name, etc.  I was also afraid that even though he apparently didn’t want me, that he would still hurt me because I was just a think to him.  She helped me find a realtor and a mortgage to get out of the house.  And helped me find a safe place to stay.  

The overall message was that I was worthy of love and that his behavior was unacceptable no matter what.  In some ways, this was retraumatizing because it reminded me of his cruelty and disrespect for me all over again, but it was also empowering and told me that I was worth of love and that help was all around me, all I had to do was ask.

After the dream, I realized I still had some work to do so I pulled some cards.

How did John’s abuse make me feel about myself?

The two of cups is about love and trust, but this card flags the opposite for me in this reading.  His abuse made me feel that I was failing in the most important relationship in my life and that I was unworthy of the love.  The person I had chosen to share my life was abusing me and because I had grown up in a dysfunctional family where I had been taught that love hurts, I thought I deserved his abuse.  I thought there was something inherently unworthy in me that no one would love me and that I really was the worthless piece of shit that he kept telling me that I was.  I also knew that if I had left, I would have had no where to go.  Charlene would have told me to go back to him as she didn’t believe in divorce.

The ironic thing is that I was always strong enough to be my own person, I just had been brainwashed by the dysfunctional bitch who raised me to believe I was worthless.  I am beautiful and worthy of love just for being who I am.  John didn’t treat me with love and respect because as he told me when we were splitting up, he wanted to take me down a few pegs.  The thing is that he always got on me for not dressing up, not wearing makeup, etc.  However, what he failed to realize is that there was no way I could take pride in who I was when someone was continually beating me down.

What would have happened if I had tried to leave sooner?

How has his abuse impacted me long term?

Where do I go from here?

How do I heal?

April 21, 2022

Written retrospectively on April 24

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  walking through the fog, lighting the light for the universe, almost stepping off the edge of the earth, finding his way

Book:  Retreat into self, seeking wisdom, philosophical / esoteric knowledge

Guidance:  True Knowledge lasts indefinitely

Journaling:

One of the things I’m realizing is that I need to differentiate between knowledge and wisdom.  Knowledge for me is facts and figures, but wisdom is that deep bone knowing that is the truths of life.  I have felt that the last few days I have been much more open to bone knowing as I’m going to call it.  Writing my paper on abortion has been searing for me as I’ve had to feel emotions that are deeply uncomfortable.  I’ve been feeling the trauma in my bones and it has been very uncomfortable, but I also know that I am gaining wisdom as I feel the pain,

My problem is that I really need to learn to let go of bullshit.  The evil M is bullshit and I know that in a few years, I will have forgotten her face and her ugly voice.  I just have to hold on and I will be rid of her.  I just have to stop letting her into my head.

Where: I started the day in Trenton, MO and ended the day in Kansas City.  It was a good day and we had some good discussions at work.  However, the evil M had to pop up her ugly head and be rude.  I really need to just let go of her and get our out of my head.  I am going to do multiple ‘Frank Meditations” so I kick her out of my head.

Weather:  The day started off with fog.  I hadn’t seen fog in a while so it was pretty cool to see it swirling around the car.  By the time I went to drive to KC, it was clear.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 72

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:25 am / 8:00 PM

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Note:  Today is the last of my Tiamat  musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I’m pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet.  This was an incredibly interesting way to read the cards and it gave me a lot more clarity than just a quick reading.

Tarot de St. Croix

Dark Goddess Question:  What is the secret of the deep?

First Impressions:  Magic, mystery, emerging from solitude

Book:  Healer and wise woman, paring down on the outer world, being present in the moment, being self realized

Dark Goddess book:  Honesty and truth, look beyond appearances

Guidance: Spend time alone and allow your inner wisdom to reveal itself

Dark Goddess Tarot

Dark Goddess Guidance:  Trust the momentum of your soul’s journey, seek out the still and sacred places

Journaling

The secret of the deep can be found within your soul.  The Hermit tells me that I will not find the answers I am seeking from other people or from outside satisfaction.  I need to look within and find who I really am.  This is telling because it has been a rough week having received a letter from Charlene, having dealt with an overload of work, and having realized that I can’t get the PhD that I was looking for.  I’ve realized that I really do spend a lot of time looking for outside validation and that there are times when it feels as if my soul is just empty.  I’m realizing that when don’t have a mother that shows you unconditional love, it is really hard to feel as if you are worthy or deserving of love.  Deep down it feels as if no one can love me if my mother doesn’t.  My head knows that her inability to care for and love anyone was really about her and not about me in any way, shape, or form, but the little girl deep in my soul doesn’t realize that and it makes it really hard to think other people would love me just for me.

I’ve done so much work on realizing that I am a kind and lovable person, but my mother is always able to plunge me back into that pit of hell where I feel unloved and as if the only thing that matters is what I can do for other people.  She always made me feel as if I didn’t matter for who I was, it was only what I could do for other people.  She was and is so concerned about what other people think, that she can’t accept that you don’t have to make everyone happy with how you live your life.  It’s taken me so long to get to the point where I know that if I am not hurting myself or taking advantage of other people, I’m okay.  I used to think that the standard was not hurting anyone else, but I’ve realized that there are a lot of times when we make choices to protect ourselves that hurt other people and that’s okay.  For instance, my decision not to talk to my mother hurts her a lot, but there is no way that I can have any kind of relationship with her because nothing I was comfortable with would be enough for her.  That breaks my heart in a way, but it is better than having to deal with her constant put downs and judgement.

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Blessed solitude, choosing to live a life of light and dark

Book:  Time alone in contemplation, paring down of the outer world in order to travel deep within the psyche, ability to see within

Guidance:  Spend time alone

Journaling

Today was a true hermit evening.  I left work on time and got back to the hotel before 6 pm.  I watched some TV, worked on my paper, then went to bed at 9 pm.  It was so nice to fall into the complete darkness and let go of all the tension from the day.  I just let myself be alone and in the dark and it felt so good.  Even though I only really had four hours from the time I left work until I went to bed, it felt like a lot longer because I had solitude.  I didn’t have to think about work.  I didn’t have to think about what was next.  I could just be.

I think that is what’s key about Hermit Time, the ability to just be, to not be worried about what’s next, or what deadline needs to be met, or about carrying on a conversation, or about meeting expectations.  The need for solitude is a strange one in our society because everyone believes that in order to be happy you have to be surrounded by people, but being surrounded by people actually makes me very unhappy as I feel like I am on stage and not being my true self.  I especially feel that way at work where I am having to meet other people’s expectations instead of being able to be myself.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful I had the evening alone

I’m grateful that work was fairly innocuous

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather

I’m grateful for getting to read and be myself

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May 24, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Finding your own path, walking toward your future

Book:  Seeking true understanding, Listening for the voice of God

Guidance:  Make room in your life for spiritual matters, take time alone to reflect and look within, stay open as you walk

Journaling:

This card reflects the Cairn by Cairn philosophy I’ve been working to live by as I work to find my own path in life.  What I am finding is that we all do walk alone and although there are people in our lives who can bring us joy and help us, at the end of the day we are responsible for what happens to us.  What is interesting for me right now is that I am able to claim the power of this card.  John derided me for so long by calling me a hermit and making fun of the fact that I didn’t like to go out and meet people.  I was content to stay in and read and reflect.  He made being a hermit into something ugly, but I’m realizing there is true beauty in being willing to sit with yourself in silence.  I think part of the reason he worked to make the hermit an ugly thing is that he was unable and unwilling to sit with his own demons.  He could not face the ugliness in his own soul and he worked to drown it out with the TV, with alcohol, and with other people.

I’ve always been content to be on my own and to read, to reflect, and to just spend time in my own company.  That is where I find my strength.  It is difficult for me to be around large groups of people who are expecting something from me.  That saps my strength and takes my power away.  That seems very ironic in that my job is to coach and train large groups of people.  However, there is a boundary there in that I have information I am imparting to them.  It is a two way communication in that I listen and adjust, but it is not a personal conversation about getting to know people.  It is not feeling like a million people are tapping at my soul and wanting to get to know me.  However, it does sap my soul and I do need time to recover, which is why I guard my personal time viciously and am very choosy about who I choose to go out with.  John had loud drunk and druggie friends and it was very difficult for me to spend time with them.

The period immediately after my divorce was very difficult for me as I had become so accustomed to the chaos that John preferred that I felt uncomfortable sitting alone with my thoughts.  Living alone on Hermitage was so difficult for me because all I could do was beat myself up and belittle myself for ending up divorced.  However, it was also the best thing for me as I started to rediscover who I was.  Finding Al-Anon helped me so much because I learned to create boundaries and I learned the importance of letting go of people who do not support me. It has also helped me to find my way back to spirit and to begin listening again.   I’ve found that listening is hard when you are scared and anxious, but that when you can start to let go of the fear, you can connect with deity.

Exercise:

Take some time to be by yourself today and listen for guidance from the spirits

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April 16, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Solitude, Holding a light up for others

Book:  Lantern to light the way, beacon to others

Guidance:  You must realize this is a solitary path, distraction may hinder divination

Journaling

There are so many meanings to this card.  It can mean choosing a path of silent contemplation.  I’m realizing that this card is really a reminder to me to take the time for myself that I need to meditate and journal.  I’ve been so busy that I haven’t really made time for me.  I’ve prioritized everyone else before me and it’s showing.  I’ve let other people make their failure to plan my problem.

January 2, 2019 Revisit

This is an interesting card for me as I usually read it positively as taking time for myself and taking care of my own needs.  However, some of the work I’m doing with Daring to Love has me asking whether or not I am using the time alone as a time to isolate and avoid interaction.  I don’t know what the right answer is.  I know that for me, time alone feels special, but I also know that I can use time alone to avoid other people and to avoid social connections.  I think the key is that I need to figure out what the right mix is for me. 

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March 25, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Silent, contemplative, listening to inner wisdom

Book:  Lighting the darkness and guide to others, lamp of wisdom, journey is more important than the destination

Guidance:  Answers may come from within yourself, meditate

Journaling

I love the Hermit card as it is a card of introspection and solitude.  It is a card of finding the answers within yourself.  I know I feel more complete this week than I have felt in the past and I’m ready to face what’s next.  I feel complete as if parts of myself are truly home.  There are still some missing pieces, but I need to integrate these four pieces before I look for any more.

December 25, 2018 Revisit

This card seems so fitting this year as I have felt myself change and shift as I’ve worked to let go of absolutes and to live more in the now and less in the past.  This exercise of going through my old journals and reviewing them has been immensely helpful as it has truly let me see where I have been.  I’m at a point in my life where I am really proud of who I am and of how hard I have worked to get here. 

I also love the reminder that this is about lighting the darkness as that is where I have been this solstice.  I’ve been all about the candles and the light and less about the flashy decorations.  I still love all my ornaments and those things are important to me, but I’m more about being in the light.

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December 25, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Go within, listen to your inner wisdom

Book:  Self knowledge, withdraw, contemplate what you know, solitude, self examination

Guidance: Do not withdraw too long

Journaling

What a perfect card to draw today.  This reflects where I am and my need to listen to my body.  I’ve been feeding it sugar to shut it up, but my body is just screaming louder and louder .  My life is finally starting to be what I want, but I am killing myself with sugar.

Dearest Beloveds,

Please change me into someone with natural health and vitality who does not need sugar to make it through the day.  Please help me to be someone with natural vitality who feels good with her body and treats her body with respect.

July 7, 2018

It’s interesting that this was Christmas and I didn’t touch on that once.  I’m not sure why.  We had a good Christmas that year and a beautiful treat that was in front of the window.  We didn’t know it at the time, but it was Luke’s last Christmas with us. 

John always called me a hermit and i always took offense, but I’m realizing that he was right, i am a hermit.  I don’t like parties and crowds and that there is nothing wrong with that.  It’s okay to to be a hermit and not a social butterfly.  I’m finally learning to truly accept me for me and embrace who I am.  That is so huge for me.

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November 9, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot 

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Be active, make your voice count

Book:  Trusting our inner guides, deepening of our soul work, ignoring wisdom, being imprudent

Guidance:  Look before you leap

Journaling

Interesting card to pull as I was just reflecting on the fact that I do need to make my voice hard and not only vote at the ballot box but also with my time.  What I don’t know is if this applies to X as well.  I love spending time with one, but should I let go and move on.  I don’t know the answer to that and until I do, I think I’m going to continue doing what I’m doing.

July 5, 2019 Revisit

It’s always so interesting and a little sad to read these posts when I was moving on and showing progress, but there was still a part of me that really thought I needed someone else to be complete.  I’ve realized in the last three years that I am complete in and of myself and that I don’t need anyone else to make me whole.  That has been one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in my life and I think that is because it was so pounded into my head by my mother and by society that I wasn’t whole unless I was with someone else so it was really hard to undo the damage that that lesson had done and begin to think of myself as a complete person in and of myself.

As I reflect on this, I am sad about the years I wasted believing that I was not a whole person all by myself, but I am so glad that I woke up and realized that I can be anything I want to be (assuming I have the skills, capabilities, etc.).  That’s a pretty amazing lesson and I am plunging into  my life and really enjoying it and working to be my best self.

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October 10, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Reserved, be outgoing, seek advice

Book:  Not heeding wise counsel, need for more spiritual development, greater introspection, petulant to elders

Guidance:  Get out of yourself, don’t over analyze

Journaling

For me, the hermit reversed is about the need to be around people and engage in life instead of retreating.  One of the reasons work bothers me so much is it is difficult for me to make friends and have a social life  I’m realizing that I need friends in my life and people who love me.  The problem is that I don’t know how to get form here to there.  Maybe it is not up to me to find the solution.  Maybe the path truly is to let go and maybe it will all work out.

May 12, 2018 Revisit

I still don’t have friends.  But I’ve signed up to volunteer at a couple of places so maybe I will meet people.  I’m realizing that the problem is not only my crazy work schedule, but also the fact that I need downtime after being around people all the time.  It is very taxing for me to have to be on all the time.

Dearest ones,

Please help me find a solution