Author: Raine Shakti

 July 2, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess

First Impressions:  This is an interesting card as she is staring off into the distance and not facing forward.  I’m also not sure if the designs on her skin are tattoos or clothing.

Book:  Abundance, radiance, joy, gratitude, achievement

Guidance:   I am enough, I have enough

Journaling:

On a micro level, I am happy with my life.  I have enough of everything that I need.  We live in a nice, safe house; we have peace in our house as everyone isn’t yelling and I no longer feel that I have to walk on eggshells around a melomaniac who makes everyone miserable when he doesn’t get his way.  I also have gained so much emotional maturity over the years and I no longer need to be a drama llama.  I am happy and content when things are peaceful.

However, on a macro level, I am afraid of where the world is going.  Although I don’t see a lot of my rights being taken away in my life time, I am afraid that my kids rights will be taken away and they will be left with a world even  more broken than it is today.  There is a part of me that wants to just close my eyes to everything going on outside my four walls and live in my happy little bubble, but that’s not who I am.  I always want to make things better and right now I don’t know how to.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today.  Cam and I went to the Farmer’s Market this morning and to the Cheese manor to pick up some food for the weekend.  We are going to have a Charcuterie board tomorrow so it should be pretty yummy.  Today we’re having pork chops for the carnivores and fake brats for the vegetarian.  I’m going to make potatoes that I got at the market and a nice salad.

Weather:  It is hot outside.  It was nice when the Clam and I went to the market, but it’s gotten so hot that I don’t even want to sit outside with the doggos.  Luckily they are happy sitting inside.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 10%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55/9:05

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March 6th, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  This is a weird card for the wish card and I don’t exactly know how to read it.  It looks as if the chest has been open and she can have anything she wants.

Book:  Gifts from the Universe, Choosing Joy, gratitude, abundance, stepping into alignment with the universe

Guidance:   Accept the gifts that the universe is sending your way

Journaling:

I don’t really know how I feel about this card.  In some ways it makes me think more of the 7 of cups than the nine of cups.  However, maybe I need to look at the 7, 8, and 9 as a sequence of cards.  The seven is about laying all the things that we want out there and having our wishes, the eight is about making a choice to walk away from what no longer serves us, and the 9 is about claiming what I have manifested and realizing that I can have whatever I wish for.  However, this card feels hollow today in the midst of a world at war.  In my privilege, I may be able to manifest material things, but I can’ manifest what the world needs most which is peace.  It feels selfish to focus on what I want to manifest when the world is falling apart.

Where I’m At: I’m at home reveling in the peace, the quiet, and the beautiful day.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely glorious today.  It was warm and beautiful. 

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 15%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:53 am / 6:23 pm

July 2, 2022 Reflection

Manifesting seems so empty and hollow lately.  It feels selfish to manifest what I need when so many people don’t have enough.  However, maybe I start with what I can really influence and work to manifest a better job for Sean.  That would help him so much because he feels so terrible working at this crappy job.

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Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Good fortune, living well, knowing what you want and going for it

Book:  Fortune is smiling on you

Guidance:  Visualize your desires and intentions

Journaling

I love this card for it says to me to be grateful and happy for what you have.  This card is about like attracting like and I have learned that the more grateful I have for what I am, the more good stuff will come into my life.  I’ve also learned that I need to be happy right now and not be happy when X happens.  If I wait for something external to bring me happiness, I might not every be happy because the external thing I’m waiting for may never happen.  However, if I choose to be happy right now in my messy house, with my less than perfect dogs and kids, with a job that I sometimes like and sometimes hate, I will bring more happiness into my life.

I always thought that people who said happiness was a mindset were crazy because how could they be happy when bad things were happening, but I’ve learned that 90 percent of the time we can choose to be happy.  We can choose to clean up the dog poop and be happy the dog loves us so much (here’s looking at you Wendy!), we can choose to wash the dishes and be grateful we have food to eat, we can choose to do the boring work and be thankful that we have a job.  And if we can see the blessing in everything, more blessings will come into our lives.

The other piece of this is that if we aren’t willing to do the work to change things, we don’t get to complain about them.  If work isn’t going so well, but we aren’t willing to find a new job or change our attitude, then we don’t get to complain.  All complaining does is remind us of the bad things in our life and draw more bad stuff into our life.  However, when we remind ourselves of how blessed we are, we become more blessed.

July 2, 2022

I needed to read this today.  I need to get up in the morning and choose to be happy.  The truth of the matter is that my being sad, miserable, and afraid is not going to change the world.  My being sad doesn’t change SCOTUS.  My being sad doesn’t change what happens.  However, my living in a place of joy and happiness can help me look for solutions instead of problems.

March 22, 2018

Deck;  RWS

First Impressions:  The wish card, inviting people who haven’t showed up

Book:  Card of fulfilled wishes, things are yours for the taking

Guidance:  All that you want is yours

Journaling  

I don’t like this card as it always makes me think of loneliness.   feel as if the person in the card is opening his heart and no one is saying yes.  Or maybe, that is just how I see the card because I feel as if I am opening myself to love and no one is coming or responding. 

When he did my soul retrieval, Keven picked up doubt trailing me around and I guess it’s true.  I have a lot of doubt about how my life is going to turn out and whether I will ever have love.  It feels as if I never will and as if I will be alone forever.  I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to do.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me a guide me toward the love of my life.  Please help me find the one that is right for me.

Blessings,
Raine

December 25, 2018

It’s interesting that I wrote this just nine months ago, but I feel as if I have been transformed.  I’ve realized that the very act of opening our hearts and welcoming people in is an act of love and kindness.  I think the problem is that I have such a binary mind (if I do this, then this has to happen), but the world is way more than binary.  I’m realizing that the act of opening my heart and loving is enough.  The world is not a quid pro quo world and that opening my heart is enough. 

I’m realizing that I need to live my life more like Clark and Wendy and less like Luke.  Luke was always hesitant and afraid that we didn’t love him, even after he had been part of our life for 10 years.  Clark and Wendy, on the other hand, know that they are worthy of love despite the fact that before they came into our lives there was not much evidence of it.  They love with open hearts and that is the way I need to live my life.  I need to live my heart knowing that I am worthy of love and that if someone does not love me, that is on them and not on me.

November 14, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Friendship

Book: Saluting comfort, abundance, and good fortune, fortune that is of good cheer, you have achieved a place of comfortable abundance

Guidance:  Be aware of the energy of the hermit to the extreme, share what you have with graciousness

Journaling

Interesting read on this card.  I love the reminder to not be the hermit as that is my preference.  I love to hide away and have my alone time.  I recharge when I am alone.  I need to find my balance between alone time and not shutting people out.  I don’t know yet where that balance is.  Part of it is that I have to be so on at work that being on at home is a daunting thought.  My daughter calls it emotional labor and she’s right.  I also know that in some ways it is harder than psychical labor.

November 20, 2017

I really need to work to cultivate balance in my life.  It is way too easy for me to stay in my little hermit mode and stay isolated.  I need to work harder to get out of myself as it is way too easy to stay in my little hermit shell and stay isolated.  However, the flip side is do I need to meet people, is there anything wrong with being solitary?

October 30, 2018

I think I’m doing much better at this because I am finally at a place where I’ve realized that it is okay to be a hermit and it is okay to be myself.  There is nothing shameful about not wanting to be around people 24/7.   John ridiculed me and made fun of me if I did not want to constantly be around people.  I think he uses people to hide from himself whereas I used to using my alone time to hide from people.  I think I’m finally at a point where I am finding balance.

It really helps knowing that how much or how little I socialize is purely my choice and is not anyone else’s.  That helps me to feel a lot better and it honestly makes it easier to socialize with others.  I also am realizing that I do need people in my life, but I need to control the dosage and the method of delivery.  I want to have people I can talk to about real issues and not just have a group of people who are drinking buddies.  I think I’m starting to make progress on this front.  It’s hard, but I’m getting there.

September 29, 2016

Nine of Cups Hanson-Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  This card shows a bartender all ready for guests, but there is no one there to drink with him.  He looks happy and welcoming.  He also has a peacock feather in his vest, which is interesting as peacock feathers are symbols of good luck in the east and bad luck in the west.  The nine of cups always strikes me as a card of friendship and good times.

Book:  Realizing a long held dream, period of emotional contentment.  It’s possible someone may be missing from your life. 

Guidance:  Appreciate what you have

Journaling:

The words that struck me as I read this is that there is probably someone missing from your life.  This last week has really been about missing my mom, but I don’t know how to reconnect.  The rules I choose to live by (treating people with respect, setting boundaries, and not giving unsolicited advice) are ones that make sense to me and I surround myself with people who treat me like I want to be treated.  I have no clue how to set boundaries with her because she won’t respect them.  She will be hurt and see boundaries as a rejection.  Maybe I just need to think it over and then be willing to listen.

December 23, 2017

It really hurt to read what I wrote over a year ago and realize that I’m still feeling like an orphan and motherless.  It hurts to not have someone who loves me unconditionally and who will listen to me when I cry and support me.  I never have had that in my life as my entire childhood growing up I always had to be careful what I said so I didn’t set her off.  I could never be honest about what was going on in my life because I would either be judged or get a lecture.  There is no one from my childhood who could just flipping listen and support without being judgemental. 

What especially ticked me off is how people would give advice even when I didn’t ask for it.  My Uncle Gene had to advise me how to spend my money and that flying lessons were a waste even though I didn’t ask for his advice.  And the first thing my mother said when she walked in to my new house was,  “Why’d you put that picture there?  I would have put it there.”  How flipping rude and insulting is that?  The house was clean and looked really nice, but she had to find fault.  I can’t do that any more in my life. 

It is one thing if someone is endangering themselves or others, but if they are making judgments that are different than mine, it is not my place to give advice.  And I would never walk in to someone’s house and critique their decorating.  That is just rude.

September 15, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  Interesting card.  I like how it shows the main full face right up in the camera.  I find the peacock feather interesting as that is a symbol of luck and hospitality in eastern cultures.  My initial impressions of this card are of happiness and welcoming.  It also speaks to friendship and collaboration.

Book:  Realization o a dream.  Imaginative and creative life.  Flourishing.

Guidance:  Count your blessings.  Appreciate what you have.

December 22, 2018

Oddly enough, I didn’t journal on this card either.  I must have been uber busy at the time I was pulling these cards.  I like the reminder to count my blessings.  I have been working really hard to focus on the positive lately and not get bogged down in the negative.  Right now, I’m a little pissed off that we have a defect heading into the holidays and we’re expected to work while on PTO to resolve it.  I understand that that is the nature of the beast, but it doesn’t mean that I have to like 

 The Evil M is someone at work that I cannot stand.  She is a braggart and a blowhard and she has to take over every single conversation.  She makes absolutely everything about her.  And she is bugging me today because B decided that she should be G’s delegate.  The truth of the matter is that I really don’t care who is the delegate, but I do care that the Evil M lords it over everyone and since Glenn is out she seems to think she is in charge and that wasn’t what he told us.  She is an impossibly horrible woman, but I also have learned that people who are impossible are usually the ones who have the most to teach us.

              

The Watery Moon tells me to go with the flow and to let whatever garbage she said roll off me, I shouldn’t take what she says to heart because she is an idiot and as my boss says I need to let her fail.  Unless my boss tells me that I need to do what she says, I’m just going to ignore her.  The other thing that the moon tells me is to not let her impact my peace and spirituality.  I let her get under my skin and that disrupts my flow and my spiritual side.  At the end of the day, she is nothing to me and I need to just let her go.  It is actually pretty easy to tune her stupid prattle out.  I just need to continue to do that and to tune into my own spiritual side and let her garbage go.

The Evil M is teaching me that I do not have to be so open to other people’s emotions.  Everyone has the right to how the feel and what they do, but I do not have to buy into it.  I do not have to buy into her immense ego and need to hear herself talk.  The other lesson is that I need to be kind to myself and it is not kind to myself to listen to her talk constantly.  It is perfectly acceptable to tune her out.  And in meetings that I’m running, it is perfectly acceptable to tune her out or to schedule the meeting so that she goes last.  That is what I will be doing in the future because I do not have to make everyone listen to her,  That is cruel to everyone else.

I love this card because it is about creating boundaries and standing up for what is right.  There are a number of things that I can do to heal from the Evil M’s bullshit.  The first is to put up boundaries so that I don’t have to interact with her any more than necessary.  I’m going to ask her for contacts for her projects and set up my OCM meetings.  I’m not going to attend any of her stupid meetings where she wants to just talk for hours on end.  And I am going to track all the bullshit that she does while Glenn is gone that I witness and let him know that she overstepped her bounds while he was out.  Those are concrete actions that I can take to overcome the Evil m.

To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for June is:

Passion

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

End of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

What does Passion mean for me right now?

What did I learn about passion?

What do I need to do to continue bringing Passion into my life?

What benefits has  Passion  brought into my life?

 July 1, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Freedom

First Impressions:  Looking forward, freeing the animals, two moons

Book:  Action, Determination, Success, Willpower

Guidance:   You have the freedom to shape your own reality

Journaling:

I don’t like this card for so many reasons.  The first is that oit doesn’t relate to the traditional meaning of the Chariot at all and while I am okay with people renaming cards and coming up with their own meanings, I believe they should be close to the traditional meaning.  There is an order and purpose to the cards and when you alter that, it causes problems.

I also struggle with shaping my own reality.  I think there are things I can do to change my reality, I”ve learned that you can’t totally create your own reality as there are systematic forces at play.  In some ways, we are just as entrapped as people have been for millions of years.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting on the couch at home with the doggos hanging out.  It’s been a pretty good day.  I went out earlier and picked up fish from a fish fry that J from work was participating in and it was so nice to meet him in person and to just hang out and talk. 

Weather:  It was super hot earlier today and I got overexhausted hanging out outside because it was hot.  However, now it is raining and Wendy is whining to go out, but then refusing because it is wet.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 5%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:54 / 9:05

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March 29, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Beautiful sunset / sunrise, balancing, black and white, magick

Book:  Determination, victory, speed, and action, being in control

Guidance:   You are gifted with the opportunity to become more

Journaling:

This is an interesting card because it feels like all I’m being gifted with lately is the opportunity to work with assholes.  YMAN decided to be a total dick this morning as we were doing a review of NCR and he decided to get pissy because no one consulted him about what the new processes would look like.  It really wasn’t any of his business so why would we consult him?  He’s now escalated it even though he was told by a VP that he needed to back down.

The company I work for is one of the most toxic places I’ve ever worked because it is all about being nice and the assholes that work here use that to their advantage as they jut tromp all over everyone else because they know there will be no backlash.  Well the thing is that I need to stay for 13 more months, then I’m leaving.  I can’t deal with the toxicity anymore.  My goal for the next year is to do an adequate job and leave as soon as I am vested.  It might be difficult, but I just have to not let the toxicity sink me.  I think I need to develop a cleansing ritual.  And if Sean gets a first shift job, I’m going to move my office upstairs so that I can shut the door and be done with it.

Where: I’m at home and it is almost 8 pm.  My work day was weird, but now I’m chilling out at home with the doggos

Weather:  It was crisp and cold outside today, but almost all the snow is melted so that’s a positive.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 9

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am / 7:49 pm

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February 23, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance, Magick, on the right path, looking forward

Book:  Determination, victory, speed, action, harnessing opposing forces, travel, confidence, being in control

Guidance:   Take action and manifest what you want

Journaling:

This is an interesting thing to reflect upon because I set out to manifest a salary of $150K a year and I was a few hundred dollars short of that last year, but when I add in the couple hundred I got from Metro for participating in the study, I hit it almost exactly right on.  However, I’m not happy.  I feel like I have become the person I never wanted to be, working for a huge company, and being a wage slave.  However, I really really like my paycheck.  I want to do good with my life, but I also need my paycheck to make ends meet.  

Maybe those are my two horses:  the need for money and the need to do good.  I don’t know how to reconcile the two because I’ve gotten myself into a bind and need to make what I do in order to pay my bills, but I’m bored with what I do.  I don’t know what the solution is, but maybe I need to put it out there to manifest.  I will give some thought to what it is I truly want and see what I can manifest.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting on the couch at home with Clark curled up next to me.  It’s a fairly peaceful day and I’m working through work stuff.  It’s funny, it’s one of those days where I don’t have a lot of meetings, but I feel like I don’t want to work through the backlog.  Sometimes, it feels I get so much more done when I don’t have enough time.

Weather:   It’s cold today with the highs only expected to get to the low 20s.

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter 55%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:10 am/ 6:10 pm

March 29, 2022 Revisit

I like the idea of the two horses as the need to do good and the need to make money.  My challenge is to figure out how to balance the two.  As I reflect on this, I think the piece that I’m missing is that the need to make money isn’t bad and doesn’t make me a bad person.  Right now I need to make the salary that I’m making.  I also need to remember that if I leave before next May I won’t be vested in my retirement and that’s important.  And neither of those things make me a bad person.

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Moving forward, keeping your eye on the prize

Book:  Card of movement and victory, symbol for a journey of self discovery and worldly ambition

Guidance:  You are well on your way to achieving your ambition, keep up momentum

Journaling:

It’s funny but when I travel for my own reasons, I feel like I’m able to let go of all the things that are weighing me down and am able to focus on who I really am at my core.  Being someplace else away from my stuff and all the weirdness of everyday life, really helps me to focus on what matters to me and on who I am at my core.  Being here in the woods with the dogs and Cam makes life simpler and I can focus on the beauty that is all around me and on the fact that a lot of the stuff that I do on a day to day basis doesn’t matter so much.  What matters is learning, loving, and being true to myself.

The question for me is how to get to a life where I can live my essence every day and not have to deal with all the weirdness and ugliness that comes with my day to day life.  How do I get to be the introvert that I am at my core instead of the extrovert that I pretend to be in my day to day life?  How do I get to where I can focus on what matters to me instead of what matters to other people?  How can I get to the point where I am truly me and not who everyone else thinks that I am?  I don’t have the answers to those questions, but I know that if I keep asking those questions and keep being true to myself, I will find the answers.  In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy hanging out in the woods, cooking hot dogs over a fire, and just being true to my own nature.

I chose the chariot because it is a symbol of moving forward and it is a way to blaze a trail from where I am and who I am to who I want to be.  I don’t yet know how to get there, but I will figure it out.  I also chose the chariot because it reminds me of Clark’s reaction to the Amish buggies and how astonished he was to see a “big hoof dog” pulling a cart.  The look on his face was so priceless and that’s a memory that I will cherish.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Staying on an even keel, maintaining emotional control

Book:  Journey of personal growth, challenge of self mastery, intense confidence and determination

Guidance:  Balance your inner and outer realities and maintain equilibrium

Journaling

The chariot has always been about emotional control for me since I first start reading the tarot.  It always felt as if my mind was one of the horses and it wanted to go straight ahead down the path of logic and the other horse was my wild emotional horse that threatened to derail me.  It has only been recently that I’ve learned to have some emotional control and not break down at the slightest little thing.  Being a consultant has been really good for me in that arena because when you are standing in front of a room and people are throwing hard questions at you, you need to be able to play it cool and not break down. 

The other thing I’m realizing is that it is much easier to have emotional control when you are in an emotionally stable environment.  Living in the emotional tinderbox that was my marriage meant that every spare ounce of energy I had went to just surviving and to catering to John’s emotional needs to try to keep him on an even keel.  There was no energy to tend to my own emotional needs or the emotional needs of the kids.  His temper and his victim mentality were a big black cloud over every house we lived in and that made it so hard.

Emotional control still is not easy for me and there are days I really have to think my way out of situations and remind myself that whatever is happening isn’t permanent and that I do not have to react to every little thing that happens.  I’m learning to be much better at responding instead of reacting and that has helped me so much in maintaining emotional stability.  A lot of times by the time I have calmed down and really thought things through, I don’t even feel the need to respond because the emotional storm has passed.

In a lot of ways, emotions really are like storms because they can come out of no where with the least little thing setting them off and they generally pass.  Sometimes I need to look at my emotions and work to take care of them, but other times I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that this too shall pass.

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March 28, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Pulled two directions, controlling one’s emotions

Book:  Directed and controlled energy, clear road to hopes and dreams

Guidance:  Use your mind and your heart to be successful, give it your best shot, do what you can

Journaling:

There is so much to think about with the Chariot.  My gut instinct react to this card is always about controlling my emotions and keeping them in check.  This is so true for me because I have been vulnerable lately and I’ve let the negative voices in my head get the best of me.  Everything I don’t do perfectly, I’ve magnified.  When I think about our presentation, I did a good job.  I was articulate, I made my points, and I did a good job.  It is not my fault that our presentation was a mishmash and it is not my fault that other people convoluted testing and training.  None of that is my fault.  I can only control me.  Everything else is outside of my purview.  I provide my input and if people choose not to listen, there is nothing that I can do about it.  I cannot control the universe.

I think I need to have that tattooed on my forehead because I continually forget.  I also need to quit taking everything so personally.  It’s not personal.  I know that part of the reason that I do this is that all I have in life is work.  I need to expand my horizons and make work a part of my life instead of my whole life.  I need to pray for guidance and figure out how to go from here to there.

December 25, 2018 Revisit

There’s lots of juicy stuff in this card.  One of the things I’m taking away as I re-read what I wrote and as I meditate on the chariot is about the importance of staying in my lane and I do that by not getting distracted by the things that are outside of the lines that I cannot control.  I cannot cDeontrol the shit my mother says, but I can control whether or not I listen to it.  I cannot control how other people do their presentations, but I can control whether I take ownership or not.

As I’m meditating on this card, I’m realizing that it is a card of self control.  It is a card that is saying I can drive forward or I can choose to be distracted.

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November 5, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Moving forward, forward momentum

Book:  Card of victory, immense power and focus of the woman’s mind

Guidance:  Willpower and control, recognize your own strength and ability to maintain order in the midst of chaos

Journaling

I love the message of this card.  I love being reminded that I am strong and capable and that I can accomplish so much more than I think I can.  I sometimes get so caught up in listening to the voices of my past that I don’t make time for my future.

I can and do accomplish great things.

This is a year for turning my focus inward and achieving things for myself and not for everyone else.  Sometimes I get so caught up in taking care of others that I forget to take care of me.  This year is all about self love and self care.

November 20, 2017 Revisit

I’m being challenged this year to set boundaries for others.  M could consume me if I chose to let her.  I have to trust that even though she has bipolar she is strong and capable.  As long as I see no signs that she is manic, I need to let her make her own mistakes, but that is a really hard thing to do.

October 26, 2018 Revisit

The past year has been difficult and amazing.  It is almost a year later and we are still dealing with the affects of her assault.  Even though in a lot of ways she is stronger, she still gets scared and afraid sometimes.  However, because I’ve been better at managing boundaries in all of my life, I have been so much better about being able to be present for her and to really be there when she needs me.   A lot of that has to do with being able to be present for myself and to really value myself. 

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May 17, 2017

Deck:  Gaian Spirit Tarot

Card Name:  The Canoe, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Going upstream, disconnected from guides, choosing to go it alone, disconnected from the source

Book:  Energy may be scattered and progress becomes difficult.  Opposing ideas bring conflict.  At what cost does a journey of self discovery come.

Journaling

Again I’m pulling cards about it being hard to find my own path.  This card reversed reminds me of the difficulty of finding my own path.  It seems as if I am in a time where it is hard to determine what I want to do and to follow through.

This is an appropriate card for me on so many levels.  I’m tring to figure out appropriate career path.  Do I want a job where I stay with NTT?  Do I want to have a job where I get together with X or do I let go of hope completely?  What is the right course of action?  There are so many days where I just don’t know which way to turn.

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May 4, 2017

Deck:  The Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  of two minds, keeping emotions in balance

Book:  Harnessing the energy of well-being, Receptive to inner guides, liberated from himself, direction from within

Guidance:  Filter out negative thoughts, use one’s power for good, connect to emotions

Affirmation:  I connect with my inner wisdom

Journaling:

I love the meaning of harnessing my inner power, but lately I don’t feel as if I have much inner power.  I’ve been in a really dark place lately and I think of suicide a lot.  My life is so fucking meaningless and now even work sucks.  I don’t like managing projects and I don’t like working with K. as she micromanages and I’m not thrilled by that.  I’m going to play along so I keep my job, but I hate it.  I could deal with all of that if I wasn’t so lonely.  All I want is a person to come home to.  I love my kids dearly, but I need more.  I need a lover, a husband, and a best friend.  To be honest, I don’t know how much I can hold out and THEY seem to have abandoned me.

Dearest Ones, 

I need love and I need it now.  I cannot continue to go through life so lonely and alone.  I need someone to walk beside me on this path.  I need someone to love me.  I don’t need or want a lot of friends.  I need that someone special to be there in my private space when I shut the door at night.  Please bring this person to me now.

May 5, 2016  Revisit

Today is a little better, but I still want someone to walk with me and love me.  I am ready for love and I have accepted that i need love in my life.

February 10, 2022 Revisit

It is always interesting to read through my old entries, especially ones where I am so depressed.  I’m feeling that way today as well, but reading through old entries where I am depressed gives me home because if I made it through that, I can make it through this.  The past two years have been so difficult as I have alternated between immense pain and feeling numb.  I am lonely and I want someone to laugh with and joke with and I don’t know if I will ever have that in my life.

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September 29, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  The charioteer is male and there is a yin-yang symbol on the chariot.  Instead of horses, the chariot is being pulled by sphinxes.  There are half moons on the charioteers shoulders and his cap looks almost like that of a shriners.  He looks as if he is driving through an arch of stars.  In the background, there is a city.  Reversed this card speaks to me of out of control emotions.

Book:  Be wary of relying too strongly on your own willpower, energy being stuck or damned up, be careful of movements.

Guidance:  Hold your horses, it is not time to move forward.  Change direction

Journaling: 

Interesting card to pull.  This is a card I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on and I’m still not sure what the meaning is for me.

December 23, 2017

The chariot has always spoken to me of emotional control and remaining steady even when there are forces pulling you in two different directions.  I’ve quit reading reversals so if I was reading this card today, I would read it as a reminder to keep my emotions under control and to continue moving forward.

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June 27, 2022

Deck:  The Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This strikes me as an odd three of pentacles as it is a single person and the whole light saber thing is kind of weird.

Book:  Mastery, planning, competence, teamwork, productivity, commitment

Guidance:   By learning from others and connecting with community, you can truly grow

Journaling:

What’s interesting to me about this card is how my tarot mind rebels against how it is portrayed.  The three of pentacles is about collaboration and working with others and this card doesn’t portray that.  This card shows one person working alone and even though the book talks about collaboration, the visual doesn’t show that and I’ve learned that tarot is all about the visual.

Funny thing is that I am all about working by myself and not collaborating.  I hate playing second fiddle and I hate playing second fiddle.  What I’m realizing is that I really am ready to lead and to drive and I’m ready for that opportunity.  Now, how do I get there?

Where I’m At:  I’m home and it was an amazingly beautiful day.  I sat outside with the dogs for a while and it was beautiful out and we all just enjoyed the sun.  There was also just enough of a breeze to make my windchimes chime and they have the most amazing resonance.

Weather:  It was an amazingly beautiful day today.  The sun was perfect and there was just a little bit of a breeze.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 2%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 pm / 9:05 pm

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April 25, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Collaboration, helping one another, fun colors, genuine liking

Book:  Finding meaning in work, cooperation, talent

Guidance:  Use the right tool for the job

Journaling:

This is a hard card for me as I like to have my own little sphere of influence and I hate it when people step on my toes.  That is why I am good at process work as I do a great job collaborating with people who are upstream and downstream from me, but I don’t do a good job of collaborating with people who do the same job as I do because I want to do my job in a way that I see fit and I don’t want people telling me what to do.  That’s a big part of the reason that I struggle with the Evil M as she is incredibly bossy and wants to drive how everyone does things.  I hate that as I have learned from my work experience that we are not robots and that we all need the latitude to tweak how we do things.

What I’ve come to realize is that this is not a character flaw and that it is really just accepting of how life is.  I used to want everyone to follow the same processes, but then Ted told me that that was taking away people’s ability to be creative and to like their job.  And that really resonated with me and I found it so true.

Where: I’m home this week and I am off work today and tomorrow so that I can finish my papers that are due.  One is due and turned in, one is almost complete, and one is outlined.

Weather:  It is a little cold out and might rain, but it isn’t horrible.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 28%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:29 am / 8:18 PM

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March 11, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  I know it isn’t meant to, but it looks like a stoplight.  I like this card because it takes out the religious symbolism of the cad.

Book:  Cooperation, community, teaching and learning, team work

Guidance:   Collaborate

Journaling:

Collaboration is hard for me.  I see the beauty of co-creating, but I have also been burned so many times by people who were supposed to have my back, but failed me.  There were school projects were people did not do their part, there were work projects where I was left holding the bag, and then there was my marriage.  We were supposed to be partners, but John was never capable of being my partner.  He was incapable of carrying his weight financially, but he refused to pick up he slack at home.  I never really cared about whether or not he made as much money as me, but I cared that he refused to contribute.  There were so many times when he refused to get a job and refused to take care of the house.  It was never fair that I had to carry the entire burden.  I still carry the bulk of the burden, but the kids are starting to step up.

However, when I reflect on my life, there have been times when I have known true collaboration.  Project work is all about collaboration.  And my team mates at Da Bird are stepping up to do their part.  It is pretty cool to see.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting at home and I am so thankful that it is Friday.  It was a super rough week at work and I wasn’t sure I would get though it.  But I did and I have two days off!  yeah.

Weather:   It is cold and snowy tonight

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 60%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:45 am / 6:28 pm

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February 12, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Card:  Three of Coins

First Impressions:  Working together, collaboration, magick happening when people work together

Book:  Studying, growth, collaboration, success, recognition

Guidance:  All things are possible through collaboration

Journaling:

This is an amazing card to pull today as I had a really good session with Dr. Perkins.  She made some great suggestions about my dissertation proposal that made sense and will help me have a good project that is important and doable within the time frame of a PhD.  I’m hopeful that I will actually see this project to fruition, then I don’t know what’s next for me.  It’s funny that for me the allure of the PhD is not about the degree and being “Dr. Shakti.”  it is about learning and researching and putting information together in new and different ways.  I have a good feeling about where this is going to lead.

Where I’m At:  I’m home and utterly exhausted.  I know it is trauma exhaustion a I pulled some cards and did some journaling today about trauma.  This is a familiar feeling as after really good and healing acupuncture sessions, I would feel this same exhaustion.

Mood:  I’m in a good mood today even if I am tired.  Wendy is healing, we’re getting the house clean.

Weather:   It is 21 and snowy.  It’s also overcast and glooming as the sun is getting ready to set.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 84%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:25 PM / 5:56 PM

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January 30, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Joy, happiness, sharing, making music together

Book:  Studying, growth, collaboration, respect

Guidance:  Learn from one another

Where I’m at:  I’m at home, snuggled up on my sofa with Clarkie snoring away at the other end.  I also have a candle burning on my 2022 altar and I’m enjoying the peace that comes with having the house mostly to myself this morning.  I’ve spent the last hour working on my assignment for my comparative religion research class and I’m realizing how much I love research.

Mood:  Overall, I’m in a good mood today as I’m taking time to just relax and enjoy the day.  However, I do have a killer headache and I’m not sure if it is from traveling or something else.

Weather:  It’s cold and clear with a temperature of 20 and a real feel of 14.  And we are supposed to get even more snow.  I think there has been more snow this year than any year that I recall.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 1% illumination

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:40 am / 5:39 pm

Journaling:

As I’m reflecting on this, I often focus on the learn from others aspect of this card and do not think about learning from one another in the sense that I also have something to share.  I am in an interesting place at work lately as I’m being called upon to mentor and share my knowledge more than every before.  That has historically been a challenge for me as I like to be special and hold my knowledge close to the chest.  However, I’m realizing that if I want to move up and have different responsibilities, I need to be willing to help others learn how to do what I do now.   I was thinking the other day about the people I have learned the most from in my life and I realize that it is the people who shared their knowledge that I looked up to.  It was the willingness to share openly that made them special and not the knowledge itself.  All of these folks also treated me with respect and as if my lack of knowledge was just that, a lack of knowledge and not a personal failing.  I’m looking forward to moving to a new role and helping others get better.

The other thing I’m realizing as I’m working on my research paper is that there are other ways to collaborate than being face to face in a room with other people.  Even though I’ve never met the authors of the articles I’m reading, I’m collaborating with them because we are sharing knowledge across time and space and I’m learning things and may have new ways of thinking about what they wrote.

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 December 27, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Key Words:  #tarot three of coins learning from one another, collaboration, humility, room to grow, open to new ideas

Journaling

This card speaks to the joy of collaboration and of knowing that people have your back and are there to support you.  It speaks to being open to new ideas and to letting those ideas flow.

As I am someone who always has to be in competition with someone, it is hard to collaborate and share ideas.  I’m currently working with someone who challenges me and constantly asks me to explain myself and justify my way of thinking.  I find this incredibly annoying as I’m used to doing things my own way and not having to collaborate or get agreement from a peer on how I do things.  There is a part of me that wants to dismiss everything she says because I do not like feeling challenged.  However, when I am able to see past my ego, I realize that some of her ideas are worth considering.

The funny thing about it is that I love to collaborate with people who have complementary roles, but I struggle when someone is “invading my space” or has skills that are in the same domain as mine.  When that happens, I want to draw a big boundary around what is mine.  This card is telling me that even if other people have good ideas, it doesn’t mean that I am any less special.

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August 13, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Pay Attention

Book:  Remembering Wholeness

Guidance:  Skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance

Journaling

I initially picked this card because one of its associations is collaboration and for me this week is all about collaboration.  We all need to share knowledge and work together in order to create amazing things.  However, that being said, I belief it is also true that skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance and that is part of why I am in this class.  For me, I am starting to realize that true abundance has very little to do with the size of my paycheck.  My paycheck pays the bills and provides me with stuff, but it really doesn’t bring me much abundance.  In fact, being unhappy at work is one of the worst feelings in the world because I put my whole heart and soul into work so when that positive emotion is not returned and I’m shit on, it’s really hard for me to deal with and I’ve been shit on a lot lately.  However, none of that matters because at the end of the day it is just work and there are other jobs out there. 

What I have found so amazing about this week is how the ideas are flowing and how everyone is sharing and listening to each other.  I have learned so much about religion, spirituality, and health and it really makes me realize exactly how much I have to learn and made me realize how much I have to contribute if I can figure out how to get my PhD and make it work.  I don’t know what that looks like and I don’t know how to do it, but I will just keep opening up and listening to spirit and I will figure it out.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful that Dr. Oliver was interested in my presentation
I’m grateful that Jason sat with me
I’m grateful that I didn’t get pinged too much from work
I’m grateful for the yummy whoppers
I’m grateful for hanging out with Cam and chilling
I’m grateful to Sean for sending pics of the dogs
I’m grateful Charmin listened

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July 22, 2019

Deck:  World Tarot

First Impressions:  Sharing, consulting, agreeing

Book:  Card of craftspeople and artisans, doing what you love enough to be supported by it, do work that honors you

Guidance:  Be prepared for hard work

Journaling

It’s interesting as I’ve always read this card as cooperation and working with others, but this card doesn’t speak to it as it speaks to individual efforts.  I did go back to check the meanings in other books and there are books that read the card as collaboration, but this card doesn’t and focuses on an individual’s personal effort.  This gives me something different to think about as I had chosen this card in the hopes that it would inspire cooperation and teamwork.  Oddly, enough in a way it did as we did have a fairly peaceful day today without a lot of drama.

However, when I look at what the card based on this reading, I realize that this is yet another message that I’m at a turning point and that I need to be prepared for my life to change in a big way.  It makes sense because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on what I want to be when I grow up and I know I want to write, I want to inspire people, but I don’t know if I want to work one on one with people as that takes a lot of emotional energy.  I’m going to keep working with Cam on Cairn by Cairn and work on putting classes together and we’ll see where it goes.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful John showed me how to do the PDF thing
I’m grateful for a good Case for Change workshop
I”m grateful there was not much drama today
I’m grateful I have a mostly dark room
I’m grateful for the quiet tonight
I’m grateful for my lemon candle
I’m grateful for a great shower
I’m grateful for yummy sushi
I’m grateful for Rainier cherries and the amazing taste they have

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April 16, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Collaborate

Book:  Body, mind, and spirit are linked in collaboration.  Having deals, being practical, persevering through obstacles

Guidance:  Cultivate a deep understanding, building a foundation

Affirmation:  I build a solid foundation

Journaling

What a crazy day.  I was supposed to meet someone Cam knows at the library, but we ended up in lockdown.  I’ve been thinking about the topic of collaboration a lot.  I’ve also been thinking about faith and the need to truly trust.  I’ve been sabotaging myself by all the doubts and all the magick.  They would not have given me these feelings if it wasn’t going to work.  That’s all I need to know.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

I’m realizing that I’m not at peace with myself and that’s part of why I am on edge.  I feel betrayed by my body and as a result of that feeling of betrayal, I abuse my body with sugar.  I feel like my poor body is crying out with pain, but I just push myself harder.  I don’t honor my body.  I’m not even sure how to start:  massage, vitamin, or sleep?  meditation, lotion.  I think I start with being kind to myself.

January 14, 2022 Revisit

The day that we ended up locked in the library was the day that someone killed someone for no reason and broadcast it on Facebook.  The guy that was killed, Robert Godwin, was walking home and minding his own business when this fucker (and I’m not saying his name) pulled up and shot him in the face.  The shooter didn’t know him or anything.  Our world is such a sick place sometimes.

On the other part of this, abusing my body, unfortunately I still do that.  My blood sugar and cholesterol are through the roof but I keep eating crap.  Part of it is because I’m busy, but part of it is that I’m so unhappy with my life that I eat sugar to feel better.  I think the thing I need to do to change is to find a way to like my life better.

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December  29, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the way the man is holding the pentacles and checking them to make sure they are correct.  This card traditionally speaks to collaboration and working together.

Book:  Creating and delighting in the process, collaboration, Creating what you envision, skill and spiritual values, spiritual renovation.

Guidance:  Cooperate with others, new work from a spiritual perspective.

Journaling:

I love thinking about opening my soul to renovation.  To me that speaks of making something good even better.  I am finally starting to appreciate the beauty and wonder that is me.  I’m appreciating my strengths and my perseverance.  I have been given and amazing life and I am so far of how far I’ve come and all that I’ve gone through to get here. 

However I can also appreciate that my halo is a little dirty and could use some polishing.  I know that I have work to do in letting go and forgiving.  I’m also realizing I have work to do in accepting healing work as a valid way to spend my time.  I sometimes get so caught up in beating myself up for reading a book or reading my tarot cards that I forget that I’m human and my body needs rest and my soul needs this healing work.  Sitting here and reading cards and journaling is a valid way to spend my time.

I think I’m jealous because people with addiction get 30 days or so to work on healing and other bruised and broken people are expected to just pick themselves up and move on with no down time.  After my divorce, it would have been amazing to check out of life for 30 days and focus on healing.  It would have been awesome to have structured workshops on different aspects of healing and to have someone guide me through the process of becoming whole again.  I instead I was left to flounder and find my own path.  I am so fortunate that I found people to help me and guide me and now I may be being led to create a program to help others.  It truly is a sacred duty.

Dearest Ones,

Please guide me to create a program that will help others grow and change.  Help me find ways to make people’s burdens just a little lighter.

December 29, 2017

The message I’ve been getting from my guides lately is that I need to focus on me and focus on what is helping me.  I can be an example to others to help them heal by following in my footsteps, but it is not time yet to be more active in creating something.  I need to do the prep work and build the foundation before I jump right in.  I’m really good at jumping right in, but I need to build my website slowly, build some class content because that’s fun for me.  Continue helping Scott, but I don’t need to jump in with both feet right now.

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December 4, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Losing all progress, being unbalanced, Arrogance, not needing anyone

Book: Inefficiency, working at cross purposes, state of inner and outer discord, exhausted, overworked, burned out, not taking enough care

Guidance:  Be aware of losing the magical connection to process and project, reconsider the team you are working with

Journaling

Interesting guidance as I’ve been thinking about the team in my life and I’m realizing that I surround myself with users who don’t give back.  John was a user, A can be a user to a certain extent, L is definitely a user.  My gives give back what they can, but I’m definitely carrying the heaviest load. 

I’m wondering if part of the reason I’m struggling with manifesting love and relationships is that I have nothing left to give.  I’m overdrawn emotionally and spiritually and there is no one to fill up my reserves and take care of me.  I’m really torn about mentoring someone right now because it feels as if it is someone taking from me without getting anything back and I don’t have a lot to give right now.

I need to give some serous thought as to whether or not this is working and whether I can do it.  I have to give serious thought to how to refill my well.

January 23, 2018

The universe has been telling me lately that I’m running on empty and I need to recharge.  They are screaming this message at me as I left both my computer charger and the charger for my DVD player at home.  If that’s not a big time screaming message that I’m out of energy, I don’t know what is.  One of the ways this project has been really good for me is that I have had to rely on others and haven’t been able to just jump in and do everything.  I’ve had to let others do the heavy lifting and that has been really difficult for me. 

Right now I’m working on ways to stop the energy drain and the first one is better boundaries to stop expending energy on random strangers.  That means tuning out the people who talk at me on planes, taking the bus instead of a cab when I can, and, if all else fails, telling people I don’t have time to talk to them.  That sounds so rude, but right now I am in survival mode from an energy drain and I need to take care of myself.

I also need to find ways to recharge.  I’m glad the weather is getting better because I love to walk outside and that really helps me recharge my energy..  I’m also going to take my turns walking the Clarken.

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October 27, 2016

Deck:  Fairy Tarot

First Impressions:  Learning from others, collaboration

Book:  Integrity and ethics, spirit of service, unity, combining vision, skill, and spiritual values, spiritual renovation

Guidance:  Learn from others, trust others

Journaling

Perfect card for me to draw today.  This lawsuit threw me for a loop, but I received and instead of hiding from it, I stepped up and did what needed to be done.  I had to rely on my teammates and ask for help.  I also had to accept and realize that I have to breathe and I can’t get all swirly.  Getting all swirly doesn’t help a whole lot.  Again, pulling this card today has helped me stay focused.

May 25, 2018 Reflection

The lawsuit turned out to be a non-event.  The insurance company settled with the for $25K, which is a whole lot less than they were asking for.  This was a case of my turning it over, asking for help, and it all working out.  At the end of the day, there was nothing that I could really do about it so the only option that I had was to turn it over.

I wish the rest of life was so easy to turn over.  I let myself get all weird and swirly over stuff that I can’t control and I need to stop.  I need to learn to breath and to turn things over.  Life is so much better when I am able to do that.

June 25, 2022

Deck:  The Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  The Mystic

First Impressions:  Two moons, knowledge of the sea, rising about it all

Book:  Spiritual, wisdom, personal, belief, mysteries revealed

Guidance:   Find your flow and channel your higher guidance to work with your best self

Journaling:

This is a difficult card for me today because I’m tired of taking the high road.  I’m tired of believing that the system and laws will work for me.  SCOTUS’s overturning of Roe was a body blow.  I have spent my entire life truly believing that this country was good and just, but now we have seen five assholes upend the lives of millions.  Who the fuck are the feckless five to go against the will of the country?  The majority of this country believes in abortion rights so how the hell do these five jackasses believe they know better.  And Amy is the worst of them.  She has betrayed her sisters.

I don’t and never have believed in violence, but it is hard to believe that peaceful protest will make things right.  It is hard to believe in goodness when God has let this evilness happen.  However, I am heartened as I do research for my dissertation by the fact that there are a lot of people, including religious people, who are working hard to restore reproductive rights to America.  This country has been through dark times before and hopefully, this will just be a blip.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and it is a beautiful day out.  The weather is absolutely perfect.  Wendy and I sat outside for over an hour soaking up the sun.  She was even willing to come in because I guess she felt she got her requisite amount of sun.

Weather:  Gorgeous

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 11%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 / 9:05

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May 10, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Wisdom for the ages, standing between worlds, holy wisdom

Book:  education, inspiration, wisdom, manifesting the divine

Guidance: Divinity watches over all creation

Journaling:

This one is a hard one to swallow today after all the horrible news about Ukraine, Roe v. Wade and all of the other bad news.  Some days it just feels like divinity watches over those with power. This has been a difficult few weeks for me and I am struggling right now to find my way.  I’ve always associated this card with dogma and following the rules.  And I will be honest and say I struggle to find the divine in church as church has always struck me as a monument to man.

Where:  I’m home.  sitting in my living room and just chilling with Clarko

Weather:  It is absolutely beautiful out.  The sun is shining and it feels so good being outside.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 65%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:10 am / 8:34 pm

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Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Peace, Wisdom, Inner mirroring outer

Book:  Leader who uses his status to spread a message of love, hope, compassion, and acceptance

Guidance:  Search for a teacher who channels divine wisdom

Journaling

One of my favorite aspects of the Dali Lama is that he is a spiritual leader who leads without dogma and he lives his life according to his faith.  He doesn’t preach that his version of faith is any better or worse than anyone else’s and he has lessons that speak to us all.  When I first became a pagan, I thought I was being anti-dogmatic because I was so upset by how Christians acted.  However, what I came to realize was that my anti-dogma was actually dogma because my views of Christianity were so negative that I considered anyone who practiced Christianity as stupid and unworthy of my respect.  However, as time went on, I started to realize that my problem was not really with Christianity, but with the misogynistic version of my childhood.  I’d been brought up believing that Catholics were bad, that Jews were bad, and that women were especially bad.  Those experiences prevented me from seeing the beauty in Christ’s messages of healing and love.

It was only when I became a fully actualized grownup and spent some time actually reading the words of Christ and studying his life, that I realized he was a healer and some would say a shaman.  I realized that he appreciated women and treated them as equals and that his was a message of love and not division.  I’m comfortable in my own very eclectic spirituality, but learning the truth about Christianity has helped me to let go of my own dogma as I’ve realized that dogma in any way shape or form can hurt people if it is based on a doctrine of fear and othering.  I’ve started to look for teachers and lessons from all faiths as I’ve realized that most faiths do have something  beautiful and positive to offer.

July 26, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Rules, being rigid, being uncaring

Book:  Teaching about sacred growth that lay behind everyday reality, offers the best and the worst of past teachings, up to me to decide which to pass on

Guidance:  Comprehend your relationship with the sacred at a profound level

Journaling

I chose this card today because I’m feeling beaten up and abused and totally disrespected.  I ended up with a new boss today and she is the completely wrong boss for where I am in building my practice.  She is learning her new role, has no exposure to what I’ve been doing, and now I’ve been asked to give her time to get up to speed.  That is fucking bullshit, why do I have to put what I’m doing on hold because of an org structure change.  I have busted my ass for two years to get here and I’m finally on the verge of actually achieving something and I’m told to wait.  It’s like I’m being asked to give more than I have to give.

After I heard the news, I asked for my reporting structure to be changed and outlined my reasons.  I was pretty much told no way in hell, it doesn’t matter if you now fail, just wait.  That is such a horrible answer.  My reasons weren’t listened to and I felt totally disrespected.  The thing is that my VP is usually pretty awesome so this response just seems like he made a knee jerk response that I was challenging his authority.  My mentor has told me it will all work out and to be patient, but my gut reaction says it won’t and that I’ll have to start all over.  I feel like I get told everyone else matters more than me and that I will never get ahead.  It is not a good feeling when I work my tail off and always have for everything I’ve gotten.

However, this card is telling me that there is growth to be had out of this experience.  I hate that message because I’m tired of having everything be a growth experience.  Why can’t I just have a good life?  Why does everything have to be a growth experience.  I’m also being told to trust.  I don’t do trust.  Trust is the most difficult thing in the universe for me because people I have trusted to do right by me have totally f*ed me over from my mother, to my ex husband, etc.  They deliberately hurt me and they should have had my back.  So now I’m asked to put my financial security in someone else’s hands and trust.  The thing is that the people I’m being asked to trust have always done right by me and have always had my back, but this is a whole other level.  I’m being asked to trust that this will turn out. 

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for John’s support

I’m grateful for Ted’s support

I’m grateful for chilling out outside with the dog’s

I’m grateful for the yummy salad

I’m grateful for air conditioning

I’m grateful for the quiet house

I’m grateful for a decent night’s sleep

I’m grateful no one broke into the house

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November 11, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:   Social order, traditional structures, teachers

Book:  Leader and teacher, symbol of human kindnesses greatest achievement, respect the achievement

Guidance:  Respect the achievements of generations past, use that knowledge to curate with beauty and wisdom, make sure beliefs make sense to your own heart

Journaling

Interesting meaning of the heirophant in holistic tarot.  It is all about the keeper of secrets and concealment.  It was an odd day today as I pocket dialed X multiple times today.  this lawsuit has me really rattled and he always makes me feel safe.  I feel as if nothing can go wrong as long as he’s got my back.  Today was hard as i started to feel like i care for him more than he cares for me.  That’s not a space I like to be in.
July 6, 2019

I obviously wrote the above when I was in a very bad space.  Three years ago I already knew that I cared for him way more than he cared for me, but the lawsuit made me feel scared and lonely so I was clinging to an illusion.  I know why this card made me think of him though and that is because the hierophant was always the card that came up for him when Scott and I read.  When I look at this in retrospect, I believe it is because he represents the patriarchy and the belief that there is an order to the world and that men are at the top of that order.

That is the belief that I had for so long as I thought that because I was a woman I could never be strong or confident.  However, I’ve realized that that is not true and that I can be strong, confident, and amazing.  I am just as good as a man.  I work just as hard and I am just as smart.  I’m also starting to see women who are leaders and who are doing an amazing job at it.  The stereotype that I grew up with was that women stayed at home and they just had little jobs to keep them busy if they got bored, but they certainly could never be a real leader.  However, that is bulls*t.  I’m sure that my daddy believed that because the bible says that women should not lead men, but that’s just a fallacy.

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October 30, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Hierophant, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Going my own way, living on my terms

Book:  Rebelling, eccentricity, originality of ideas, taking the unconventional path through life

Guidance:  Follow your own path, don’t go along with the crowd

Journaling

I could read the significance of this card in several ways.  I’m choosing to view it as being about my need to be my own person and not follow all the arbitrary rules of life.  Another potential reading is about walking away from X as he is a very traditional person and for a while I kept getting this card when asking about him.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing that a lot of the guidance I got at this time in my life was so meaningful as it came right before my 50th birthday and the cards were really encouraging me to be my own person and to live my own life.  This is another card that is all about being your own person and not following the same path that everyone else has followed.  This has always been hard for me, because I like to be liked and sometimes I will live according to other people’s rules until I can’t take it any longer and lash out.  That always surprises everyone because they assumed that I was fine with the way things are going.

One of my goals for this year is to live a more authentic life and to be more true to myself and stop living according t everyone else’s rules.

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April 25, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card:  The High Priest

First Impressions:  Rules, order, structure

Book:  Inner teacher, teaching and guiding in a stable and real manner, practical, following inner inclinations

Guidance:  Jump to the realm of inner guidance

Affirmation:  I open my heart to channel the wisdom within

Journaling:

This was the perfect card to pull today as I’ve felt myself pulled hither and yon between people on this.  I need to use the methodology as a guide and do what I consider the right thing.

April 28 Revisit

I tend to view the HP as about order, structure, and the establishment, but this card is telling me to embrace my own inner wisdom and trust my own instincts.  I will do great at this and other things will come up.  It will work out and I will succeed.  it’s also telling me to listen to my gut about people as well.  I need to do what feels right and church doesn’t feel right.  I think the truth of the matter is that I don’t want close friends who are all up in my business.  I want people to hang out with and be social with.  I’ve been hurt too often by so called friends.

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April 26, 2016

Teacher Gaian Tarot

Journaling:  

This card is reminding me to be open to all wisdom from all sources and to be in touch with the divine spark within me.  It also is a reminder that having both roots and wings can help us to succeed.  This card is about being able to traverse all worlds as the tree of life allows us to access the upper world, the middle world, and the lower world.

This card is about recognizing that being a teacher is not just about passing down wisdom, it is also about being willing to receive it and being able to open our ears and our hearts and listen to the messages we are receiving.

The book indicates that this is a sign that a teacher may appear or that I may be ready to be a teacher to others.  One of my questions is why does it have to be an either or?  Can’t I be a student and a teacher at the same time?

Crazy Saint–Trust in our knowledge.  Be secure in ourselves and let go of what other people think of us.  The book also asks whether or not I know the names of plants in my area, which may mean I am being guided to be rooted and grounded in my home.

December 25, 2017

This card is speaking to me today as I’m exploring both teaching and learning.  I know that I have wisdom to offer others, but I’m struggling with whether or not I want the responsibility of guiding others.  I think I need to come to a new understanding of what teaching is and maybe it is about guiding not so much teaching.  For me, teaching comes with the responsibility to grade and to judge.  However, being a guide means I provide input, but not grades. 

I also love the guidance about learning the plants where I live.  I’m working to be more connected to my home and to truly learn to appreciate the flora and fauna that surround me.

June 24, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card looks like Mary as the Queen of Heaven.  I love the flowers in the background and the heron and swan at her feet.  She looks kind, but also like she means business.

Book:  Compassion, boundaries, intuition, sympathy, understanding

Guidance:   Create boundaries that support filling your own cup before helping others

Journaling:

I needed to hear this as there is a big part of me that wants to rush off and dash headfirst into the abortion wars.  However, I need a to sit back, take a pause, and figure out the best way I can support the movement.  I don’t believe that protesting works, but there are other ways I can help support abortion rights.  I need to just put it out there that I want to do my part and pray that the solution will come my way.

For right now, I need to take care of myself.  I need to pray, meditate, and do what I can do to put myself in a healthy mindspace.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home and I’m sad, furious, and feeling useless.  The fucking assholes on SCOTUS overturned Roe.  We knew it was coming, but it still feels like a body blow.  I don’t know what I can do, but I am sad and angry.  I don’t believe that protests work, but I don’t know where else to spend my energy.

Weather:  It was actually a beautiful day out today as it wasn’t too hot or too cold.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 18%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:51 / 9:05

June 25, 2022

It’s interesting as after I wrote this, I found an article in Cleveland.com about groups helping women fund abortion and one of them was a faith based group.  I’m going to start putting together a spreadsheet listing faith based pro and anti groups.  That will be an awesome foundation for my dissertation.

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First impressions:  Filling my cup 

Book:  Accepting the flow of all emotions,

Guidance: Be authentic for all feelings are acceptable if we own them, be authentically in the moment with what is

Journaling

I love this reminder to be authentic with our emotions and to own them.  My gut reaction to that statement is that sometimes it is too easy to wallow in our emotions.  However, when I am really honest with myself, the emotions that I wallow in are those that I don’t understand.  When I am confused and feeling like I’m sad, but I’m really angry, I tend to wallow.  I wallowed a lot when John left because I was so overwhelmed and I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling. In retrospect, I really don’t think that I was wallowing as much as much as I was seeking attention because I didn’t think I was strong enough to survive on my own.  I was looking for someone to take care of me, because I didn’t think I could take care of myself.  I also was uncomfortable at acknowledging that self loathing was a big part of what I was feeling at that time.  I didn’t like how I looked, what I did, or who I was.  At the heart of who I was was a great big pile of uncomfortable shame.  And that was definitely not something I wanted to acknowledge.

When I am truly honest with myself, I know that I was playing the victim because I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and I wanted someone to validate my feelings.  The kids are quick to point out that I obsess over things and when I take a step back, I realize that when I am obsessing I am wanting someone to validate my point of view or my emotions.  That is a symptom of my childhood where I was taught that my opinion didn’t matter and that my thoughts only mattered if someone else validated them.  I am very slowly learning that that is not true, but it is still difficult sometimes to accept that my thoughts and opinions are valid and that I don’t need anyone else to validate me.

What I have learned in the past eight years is that if I am honest and acknowledge my feelings right away, I don’t get overwhelmed with them.  However, I did get overwhelmed when I wasn’t honest about what I was feeling and when I let everything pile up and pile up.  I had all of this garbage deep in my soul and when my resistance finally broke down and I let it all out, it was very scary.

Hag of Water Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Hag of Water

First Impressions:  Just glancing at this card, it appeared as if Ran was feeding birds, but then I realized that she was underwater and that there was a person falling into the water.  Overall this card gives me a sense of despair and grief.

Book:  Goddess of the sea who claims lives when she is bored.

Guidance:  Surrender to the sea to find her hidden places, stop fighting the tide, make offerings to the depths, embrace our ability, you know where you belong, accept it.

Journaling:

The day I originally journaled I was really upset with my daughter for wanting to go on a walk when I didn’t want to and for her playing the expert.  I wrote a whole lot of really nasty things that I don’t want to repeat here🙁.  The bottom line is thought that I should have maintained better boundaries and not let myself get talked into going with her. 

December 27, 2017

The stuff I originally wrote is exactly the reason I decided to put my journals online and to sanitize them.  Writing all the garbage I wrote felt really good, but at the end of the day it would have served no one to have her read it.  We are human beings and even though we all love each other, there are times when the kids get on my nerves and I’m sure there are times that I get on their nerves.  It’s been a little jittery to have the kids home over the holidays as I was looking forward to cleaning and chilling and that’s harder to do with everyone here.

However, this is their home and I want them to know it is their home so it would be horrible for me to put up arbitrary rules and say they can’t be in the living room because I want it to be quiet.  That would be mean and I’m not going to do it.  We will just all compromise and it will all work out.

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October 16, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions: Emotional fulfillment, happiness

Book:  Nurturing, warm, tender, sympathetic, intuitive, strong people skills, charisma, over thinking, over protective

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, trust your intuition, pull back from our emotions and do not let yourself drown in them

Journaling

I was able to step back and look at my emotions without getting bogged down in them.  I’m learning that sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is to acknowledge what I’m feeling.  I spend so much time wearing a mask and pretending that life is okay but when I am truly honest with myself, I’m able to have the feelings and let them go without holding on to them.  I was able to I was scared without fear or shame and that was huge.

May 25, 2018

I have become so much better at nurturing myself and being kind to myself when I am feeling sad or lonely.  Before I was all about beating myself and berating myself for having “negative” emotions, however the more I have distanced myself from my mother and the more I have worked to find compassion for myself, the more I am able to accept all of who I am without judging myself.  That’s not to say it isn’t easy or that there are not days when I don’t still beat myself up, but mostly I’m able to take a step back and say that it is okay and love myself.  I’m realizing that at the end of the day, the only person I truly will always have in my life is me and that I need to be kind to myself.

I’m not a huge summer fan as I don’t really like hot weather, but I am a fan of the summer solstice as to me it is a day of warmth and energy.  It is a day for hanging out and just being.  It is also around my daughter’s birthday so this time of year is always filled with joy and celebration.  I haven’t found a favorite solstice spread so I did some Googling and came up with a simple spread from Persephone’s Tarot Readings,

What should I keep growing?

What is shining brightest for me now?

What should I shed at this time?

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If you’ve never done a hop before, click on previous to go to the previous post in the hop, master list to see all the hoppers, and next to move to the next post.

Our fearless wrangler, Jay Cassels, gave us the assignment of contemplating unseen traditions or symbols of protection.  One of the things that has always fascinated me about the tarot is how the cards speak to each artist separately and how they incorporate various symbols in their cards.  

Since it is the summer solstice and we were asked to write about traditions or symbols of protection, I decided to look at the sun card from various decks to see what symbols of protection were embedded in various sun cards.

RWS–The original RWS card has several protective symbols built in including the sun, the child, the nakedness of the child, and the horse.  These symbols are replicated in some of the other cards analyzed here, but I’ll cover those elements here and focus on the unique elements shown in the other cards.  The Sun itself is a protective element because without the sun, life would not be possible on earth.  The sun is also a symbol of positivity and happiness, both of which can protect our mental health.  The child is a symbol of innocence, which for me is a symbol of letting go of my knowledge of all the bad stuff in life and continuing to go on.  That might be cockeyed optimism, but I believe that all too often we focus on the negative and not the positive and focusing on the negative makes it hard to be hopeful.

The nakedness of the child is symbol of openness and not having secrets.  There is a saying in program (12 step programs) that you are only as sick as your secrets and I have found that to be true in my own life.  When I am worried about what people will think if they find out about things in my past, I can’t truly be free and healthy as I am so busy worrying about what people think that I can’t focus on healing me.  Being open and honest helps me to be the best me I can be.  The white horse is a symbol of the goddess and the protection she offers and also of our own strength and ability to move forward.

Dark Goddess Tarot:  The Sun card in the Dark Goddess Tarot is Sekhmet and she is a protective force in and of herself.  Sekhmet has tremendous power and she was the protector of the pharaohs and led them in warfare against their enemies.  She is also the patron of healers and helps protect people against disease and pestilence.  However, Sekhmet also has a dark side and a bloodlust that can be  uncontrollable.  As I meditate on Sekhmet, one of the lessons I take away is that there comes a time to let your guard down.  One cannot be in protection mode 24/7 as it will wear on a person and they will start to be overly anxious.  Even Sekhmet has to take time to have a beer, sit back, and relax.  This card is also full of yellow which is the color of joy, happiness, and enlightenment, which are all emotions that can protect us from our own bad moods.

Gaian Tarot–The Gaian Tarot’s Sun Card is one of the most joyous sun cards as it depicts a woman dancing with joy.  Her eyes are closed, her face is turned upward to the sun, and her arms are lifted in pure exuberance.  Joy itself is a protective factor as people who are joyful have a more positive outlook in life and are more likely to see the positive in the world around them.  They are also more likely to smile, which calms the nervous system, and laugh, which sends endorphins coursing through the body.  Laughter can also protect the body as it can lower blood pressure and and reduce stress.  In addition, her dress and wrap contain spirals which are symbols of life, creation, rebirth, and awareness.  Although these concepts are not protective in their own right, creating can help bring us joy as there is a wonder in creating something new.  Rebirth can help us let go of things that are holding us back and move on into something wonderful.

Druidcraft Tarot–The Druidcraft Tarot was my very first tarot deck and I still love the rich imagery.  The Sun card contains many of the same elements of the original RWS deck including a naked child on horseback. I went into the Sun and the nakedness on the RWS card, but I wanted to explore some of the more unique symbols on this card.  As it is summer, the bees are sucking up the nectar of the St. John’s Wort.  Although they are small, the work the bees do protects our entire world.  Without their hard work of pollinating, we would have nothing to eat.  St. John’s Wort also is a heavily protective symbol as it is believed to be able to drive away evil spirits and demons.  Additionally, St. John’s Wort has also been proven to help people suffering from depression, which could be said to be protective as it drives away the mental anguish people feel.  The harp can also be considered a protective symbol as the Ancient Greeks believed that the harp allayed anger.  Reducing anger can protect both the person who is angry by calming them and helping them think more rationally and the person they are angry with.

Tarot de St. Croix–This is one of my all time favorite decks and I always feel happy when I work with this deck.  This card is also about the warm and protective energy of the sun, but it is also about the stored energy of the sun in the form of the sunflowers.  The sunflowers absorb the energy of the sun and that energy becomes food for animals.  The sunflower also regenerates itself when the seeds drop and grow again the next year.

The Enchanted Tarot–This is a new deck for me, but I loved the birds basking in the sun’s glow and although they are not specifically called out as robins, they look like robins to me and robins are symbols of spring.  Although I know robins are around all year round, there is still something special about seeing them in the last cold days of winter as spring is in the air.  For me robins are harbingers of hope and a reminder that we can endure the coldness of winter and come out in the warmth of spring.  Hope is protective as it is a reminder that we will endure and that things will get better.  

June 20, 2022 

Deck:  Intuitive Dark Goddess

Card Name:  Reclamation

First Impressions:  Vulture reclaiming, butterfly as transformation, goddess has hoofs

Book:  Choice, shifting perspective, self work, shadow work

Guidance:   You are your own master

Journaling:

I love the thought of the Devil as reclaiming as I’m learning that the devil really is about reclaiming who I am and reclaiming my rights as a person.  I was brought up to believe I had no rights and that everything I did was about someone else.  However, I’m working to reclaim who I am and to become the person I am meant to be.

I’m also realizing that I am working to reclaim who I want to be from who I have become.  I swore in college that I would never become a corporate robot, but in so many ways I feel like that is who I am.  I’ve become someone I don’t really like.  I work at a job that requires me to be nice to assholes and it is getting harder and harder to do.  I know that every job requires you to be nice to assholes to a certain extent, but this one sucks more than most.

Weather:  It actually felt cool out today although it was about 75

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 57%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:04

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Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Evil, debauchery, separation, scary

Book:  Oppression, addiction, voluntary bondage, temptation, materialism, toxic relationships

Guidance: Even the angels can fall from grace

Journaling:

It’s interesting as I view the devil as a give myself permission card.  The devil is about hedonism and excess, but who determines what is hedonism and excess?  I was raised in a family where denial was the rule.  It was drilled into my head that sex before marriage was bad and when I was living with John my family harassed me until I married him.  My mother guilted me, my aunts called to see if he answered the phone.  However, my brain was so fucked up by all the stupid lessons my family had given me that I gave in and married him and set myself up for 22 years of hell.  I should have been strong enough to tell them to fuck off.  Sex is not a sin and it is so patriarchal to act like women are sluts for sleeping with men without being married.

Where: I’m at home alone this evening while the kids are taking the puppers for a walk.  It is so nice to have a quiet house.  I’m also feeling horrible today as the cramps are super bad and I am so tired and weak.  I don’t know what’s up, but I’m just tired of being tired.

Weather:  It was hot all day, but it has started to cool down

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 90%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:07 /8:37

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March 5, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Stardust, seduction, pulling strings

Book:  Addiction, liberation, freedom from vices, healing found in darkness

Guidance: Witness and release your own shadows  

Journaling:

The invitation into the dark is a sacred one.  I followed the siren call of the darkness after my divorce and I found it a healing and seductive place.  There is seduction in staying curled into a ball and ignoring the world around me.  There was seduction in exploring my own history and there was a temptation to play the victim.  So much of who we are came about because of other people.  My parents shaped me with my embracing some of the lessons, rejecting others, and absorbing still others unconsciously.  I’ve consciously rejected my mother’s racist and judgmental attitudes, but there are times when I see someone and her voice plays in my head as I judge people for how they look, what they wear, etc.  There is a part of me that is ashamed when I hear that voice.  However, I’m also learning to be kind to myself and to realize that like everyone I am a product of my history and just because I think it does not mean I say it.

I also realize that the ability to go willingly into the darkness is privilege.  Some people do not have the time or the energy to delve into their subconscious.  And other people get pulled into the darkness through addiction.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting on the living room couch in the calm.  There is work to be done, but sometimes it is just nice to 

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day today as it hit 70 and it felt so warm outside.  If it is this nice tomorrow, I’m going to hang out outside.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 9%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 / 6:22

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 January 14, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Sadness, under someone’s thumb, inability to act on one’s own

Book:  Inner demons, hidden parts we are ashamed of

Guidance:  If we can release our inner demons, enormous energy will be released and darkness becomes light

Journaling

It’s interesting that even though I know better, my first impression of the devil is always of being under someone else’s control and being abused by some external force.  In reality, the devil is about giving our control away and choosing to be a victim.  It is about choosing to believe the ugly words that people say about us, it is about choosing to do things that do not make us proud of ourselves, and it is choosing to believe we have no power in our lives.  There are things that happen to us that are outside of our control, but all too often we choose to make those things about us when they often aren’t.  I’m sitting here after a client blew me off for a morning meeting for the second time in a week.  Ten years ago, my reaction would have been to make it about me, but now I realize that it isn’t about me at all, but is all about her.   Ten years ago if someone cut me off, I would have made it personal, but now I realize it is not about me.  And even if things are about me, I have a choice to believe or not believe what people say.

This is another lesson I learned in Al-Anon, that the world does not revolve around me and that choosing to be a victim is in some ways another way of being arrogant and looking for attention.  While being arrogant says I’m so wonderful, being a victim says that I’m a poor pitiable creature and I need you to take care of me because I cannot take care of myself.  I used to be that poor pitiable creature who needed everyone to validate that I had a right to exist.  As I started to grow and heal, I realized where those ideas about myself came from and I worked hard to squash them and develop my own sense of personhood.  I’ve learned my strengths and my weaknesses and by learning to accept all of me, I’m learning to mitigate the effects of my weaknesses.

July 6, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Rock Star, Hedonism

Book:  Lord of Obsession, Baser Instincts, embodying all of our shadow instincts, light and dark muse coexist

Guidance:  Look at the part of yourself you have repressed or denied, seek the road between inhibition and compulsion, seek pleasure without shame, explore all of usJournaling

The devil is a card that I always struggled with and that always scared me because I know that obsession and addiction can ruin lives.  However, the Devil has a valuable lesson to teach us and that is managing our hedonism and accepting that pleasure does not have to be addictive.  There are times when we are so afraid of feeling good or having nice things that we say no to everything.  Working with Devil energy means knowing when to say no and when to say yes.  I will always say no to drugs or things that could seriously harm me, but I can find balance in my life when it comes to other hedonistic pleasure. 

I know I have an addictive personality and I will never say yes to hard drugs because I know they have the potential to destroy my life.  I am learning to balance my addictions to food and learning when to say yes and when to say no.  I’ve learned that if I have a really high quality treat and I make it special, it is satisfying.  However, if I continually say yes to drugstore chocolate or subpar treats, I will eat more and more of them because they are not satisfying.  I’m also learning that I have to say no at the grocery store because generally I won’t go back out to get junk food, but if I say yes in the grocery store, I will eat and eat and eat until it is gone. 

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April 18, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card Name:  Pan, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Slave to desires

Book:  Not being in harmony, not being chained, chains falling off

Guidance:  rules of nature apply to external and unbalanced world.  Look at our own addictive behavior.  Elevate a sense of humor, search for the light

Affirmation:  I am not a slave to my addictions

Journaling:

It’s time for me to let go of my addictions and crutches and to trust the universe that it will all be okay.  I am stronger than I know and I am going to be okay.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Another card of surrender and trust.  I need to surrender, but I’m not sure what I need to surrender.  I need to surrender my need to control.  I need to release and open myself to receive.  I have so many barricades built around me that it is hard for anyone to get close to me.

January 15, 2022  Revisit

One of the most important lessons I have learned over the last few years is that not everything is under my control.  The New Age world preaches that we create our own reality, but that is not 100% true.  There are factors that are outside of our control that impact our reality.  We need to look at what is and what is not under our control when we consider creating our own reality.

I hate to go back to John as an example, but I’m going to.  He says that he did not get the opportunity to go to college and graduate, but that is not true.  I was willing to pay for him to go to college on Okinawa, but he blew it because he wanted to go to college three nights a week and go bowling and do other things and expected me to work all day and come home and take care of the kids and the house.  I was not signing up for that.  If he had been reasonable about it, he could have come home from Okinawa with a degree.  He also had the opportunity to get tuition reimbursement at Standard Parking and he chose not to.  Those were choices.  He also chose to buy a house pretty much sight unseen and now he is realizing what a dump it is and he has  no money to fix it.  Those were also choices he made.

We are seeing more and more people sick with covid and they are sick because they chose not to get the vaccine.  That is there choice, but unfortunately other people are adversely impacted by that choice.  

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October 25, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Trapped in uncomfortable choices

Book:  Liberation from restrictions, defeat, release, severance, seeker will overcome evil, tempting fates

Guidance:  Remove what is holding you in bondage

Journaling

This card resonated with me today as it is about accepting and acknowledge all of me.  It is about not denying my shadow aspects.  I don’t have to indulge them, but I need to own them.  I’ve also realized that owning and accepting doesn’t mean I no longer work to grow and change.  It just means I am kind to the lost little girl who needs emotional support.

May 25, 2018

Interesting to read this today as last night I took Cam to Dillards and we bought underwear.  I was taken back to the year I started college and my dad took me shopping for clothes.  I bought expensive silk underwear and I bought this amazing swimsuit.  It was one piece, but it had buttons on the side and high cut thighs.  It was in no way racy, but it made me look and feel good about myself.  However, my stupid relatives had to shame me for having a nice body and wanting to show it off.  That was wrong of them.  I was doing nothing wrong and I was not responsible for their puritan beliefs. 

I don’t still have the awesome body that  had when I was in college, but my body is mine and it deserves to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve love and respect.  And love and respect means feeding myself healthy and nourishing foods that are good for me in the long term and don’t just give me a short term sugar high.

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September 13, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Initial Thoughts:  There is a musical note between the figures that is kind off interesting.  Additionally, the Devil has an upside down pentacle on his forehead.  He also makes me think of a puppet pulling strings.  When I see this card, I think of choices as the couple is not tied up and it appears they could flee if they wanted  to escape.  This card also reminds me that bondage is sometimes personal choice.  I also think about our devotion t o addictions such as sex and materialism.

Book:  Being held in bondage, undesirable forces, chained down by materialism, temptation, call to awaken to responsibility, integrate and channel the life force.

Guidance:  Live in balance.  Accept the wealth the world has to offer.

Journaling

Since the DruidCraft deck was my first tarot deck, I always think about Cernunous when I see this card.   He is the horned god of the hunt and in that deck the “devil” is not evil, but a force to be channeled.  Overindulging is what puts is unto bondage.

This card like so many tarot carts speaks for balance.  It is when we get out of balance that life becomes unmanageable and addictions are a good indication that life is unmanageable.  This card could also be speaking to me of my need to break my sugar addiction.  I know it is killing me, but I still shovel sugar in my mouth.  I’m not sure how to break the addiction and get back on track.  I need to ask for guidance.

December 21, 2017
I’m getting chills as I read what I wrote because today while Cam and I were out walking, I talked about how so many stories about addiction don’t talk about the spiritual side of healing and the need to ask for help to take the addiction away.  I know when I was in college and was drinking too much, it was AA that truly helped me to break the addiction.  Asking for help and turning my addiction over to a higher power truly helped me to heal.  It didn’t make it easy, but it did help me to recover.

It was a higher power that also helped me to deal with my codependency after my marriage imploded.  By turning it over to a higher power, I was able to find the strength to heal and to leave behind some of my addictive and co-dependent behavior.

Dearest ones,

I admit that I am powerless over sugar and my life and health has become unmanageable.  I know that you can help me with this addiction and I am humbling asking you to do so and to take away my cravings for the sugar that is slowly killing me.

Thank you,
Raine