Author: Raine Shakti

October 31, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  In some ways, this card looks like the devil sitting in front of the gates of hell.  However, I could also see this as an Indian holy man sitting in front of a funeral pyre.

Book:  Searching for meaning, a spiritual quest.

Guidance:   Look within

Journaling:

In some ways, I feel like my entire life is a quest for spiritual meaning and there are days when I feel like I have been looking without for that meaning.  I look for spiritual meaning in books, in candles, in prayer, and in other people.  However, the truth of the matter is that my spiritual meaning has to come from within.  It has to come from the deepest part of the soul.  I don’t know what that meaning is yet, but I do believe that I need to find that meaning in myself.

Sometimes I think the meaning is taking care of others, but that is difficult sometimes as there are so many people who will take advantage of you and not respect you.  There are also so many days when I want to just go away and never talk to anyone again.  I love my solitude and I love having my time and space to myself.  Maybe my spiritual meaning is to find and understand myself.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home with the kids today and we had beef pot pies for dinner, cranberry wine, and apples with caramel.  We went through and did the recitation of our beloved dead.  We also talked about the fact that Stella died over the weekend.  Cam and I had both felt like the energy was angsty

Weather:  It was really nice out.  As it is getting to the end of October, it is getting dark earlier, but the weather is nice and has just that perfect crisp in the air.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:55/6:23

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June 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  I love that this knight is dressed in gold instead of silver, his headdress makes him look like a healer, and his wand is a living thing

Book:  Charming, adventure, daring, manifestation

Guidance:   Horus protects those who dare to fly

Journaling:

This card is calling me to be bold, to be my best self, and to know that I am golden.  This card is calling me to engage in magick and find  my place in the world,  It is about being brave, being bold, and knowing where I deserve to go.  It is also calling me to manifest my dreams.  I have been in such a rut lately that I haven’t felt like doing manifestation.  However, i think it is time for me to revisit my magick heart.  The first step is to clean the house and clean away all the nasty energy.  I’m going to work on that this week when Sean is gone.

Where I’m At:  I’m in Peoria today.  We finished up early this morning so I went back to my hotel to hang out.  I had my PON call and the Evil M dominated it.  Even though I had multiple topics and she knew that, she acted as if it was all about her.  She always acts as if it is all about her.  I also had the creepiest experience in the hotel.  I was in bed and I felt as if there was a heartbeat going up and down my back.  It spooked me and I thought it might have been Luke or Blake, but I don’t know.

Weather:  It was not as hot outside today so I got a lot done.  It was also nice as I actually had energy today, which hasn’t happened in a while.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 59%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:27 am / 8:27 pm

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March 18, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Abandon, being surrounded by passion

Book:  Charisma, spontaneity, spirited energy that gets things done 

Guidance:   Bravely pursue the things that inspire you the most

Journaling:

As I think about what inspires me the most, it is being of service and helping illuminate situations that make people think.  I want to help real people and not just help big corporations.  I’m also struggling with patriarchal ways of power because I’m realizing it is all about ego.  At work, people have these ideas and want to enforce them not because they think they are a good idea, but because of their own ego.

I always thought it was suspect when people said that women led differently, but I’m realizing that it is true.  Women are more about servant leadership and about helping other people get ahead.  However, a patriarchal way of leadership is about being in charge and beating one’s chest.  Feminist leadership is about reaching out a hand and helping others up.

So how do I live a life that is true to my values?  I think I need to start praying daily for my life to change to meet my values.  

Where I’m At: is a Friday morning and I’m at home.  I have absolutely no desire to work today, but I also did a lot yesterday so I don’t have too much to finish

Weather: It is a little chilly out, but it is only 8 am.  It looks like it will be a beautiful day

Moon Phase:  Full

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:33am / 7: 36 pm

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February 19, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Joyous abandon, spontaneity, creativity, spark of joy

Book:  Charisma, spontaneity, fast energy, enthusiasm, spirited energy

Guidance:   Bring adventure and enthusiasm into your world

Journaling:

This is a card of fiery passion and abandon and it has been a long time since I’ve felt that energy in my life.  I used to think nothing of jumping in the car and setting off on an adventure, but lately it feels like there are to many responsibilities tying me down.  it feels as if life is about meeting my responsibilities and not about the joy of exploration.  However, when I really dig into it, I realize that I spend my life in fear.  I’m afraid of not having enough.  I’m afraid of losing what I have.  

It has been a long time since I have just let myself live.  I think that is what appeals to me about Big Sur as when I am there, I can just be.  I can experience the sunsets, the beach, and the world in a very visceral way that is not part of my every day meeting.  That is part of what I love about the Southwest as well.  When i am there, I inhabit my body and am part of the world in a way that I’m not when I am home.  I think part of it is that this does not feel like my body home.  I don’t feel attached to the land in the same way that I do in California and the Southwest.  When I am in those places, I feel at home in my body and my soul.  I’ve felt less at home in Ohio and the Midwest then ever before this winter.  The winter has soaked into my bones and I feel cold all the time.  Maybe that is why people flee the Midwest for Arizona and Florida, there bodies can no longer handle the cold.

This card is also a reminder of the joys of drumming and how the energy from the drum fills your entire body.  For me, drumming is not about the sound as much as it is about the feeling my body gets from the sound reverberating through my very bones.  As I reflect on this card, I feel it is about feeling the connection of body, mind, and spirit and being in synch with myself.

Where I’m At: I’m at home today and I’m sitting in the orange chair snuggling with Wendy while the sun shines through the picture window.  It is one of those beautiful, but cold days.  

Mood: I’m in a good mood today as I only worked 1/2 a day yesterday and I’m feeling relaxed and calm.  

Weather:   It is beautiful, but cold outside.  It is only 18 degrees, but because it is sunny, it doesn’t feel quite so cold.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 92%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:15 am / 6:04 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Wisdom, endurance

Book:  Searching for enlightenment

Guidance:  Open yourself to the world of spirit

Journaling

I was drawn to this card because it feels warm and wise and the meaning of opening yourself to the world of spirit is apt for me because I need to balance my book learning with opening my heart to new things.  I love my school work, but I also know that I have a tendency to become obsessed and to focus all my energy on brain learning and not let myself take time for the softer types of learning, of feeling, and of being present for myself.  I can sit my butt on the couch and type all day without noticing the beauty and wonder that is all around me.  One way that I know to counter this is to physically get up and clean the house once or twice a day.  Doing so helps me to get out of my head and into my body, and getting out of my head and into my body helps reconnect me with spirit.

The other thing that I need to get better about doing is getting into an actual routine for my tarot journaling.  I’ve been really bad about not doing that every day and I think that is because I don’t yet have a set routine.  I actually like doing it at night because it feels like a really good way to end the day, especially when I am pulling cards deliberately, but lately I’ve been letting myself get so sucked into school that I haven’t made the 10 minutes it takes a day to pull a card and right about it.  I also have to quit working right up until time to go to bed.  The one thing that I am doing right though is making time to connect on the Dark Goddess Lodge.  I’m actually doing the meditations and reflecting on them on a regular basis.  That’s helping me connect with spirit on a deeper level and is adding meaning to my life and helping me to grow.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Fire, Passion

Book:  Passion is the cause, meeting challenges head on, erratic, difficulty completing things, likes to stir conflict

Guidance:  Learn to temper appetites with restraint, balance, passion with restraint, adopt a wait and see attitude

Journaling

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I’m very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don’t know what I’m up against.  I feel as if I don’t know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don’t know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018 Review

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I’ve been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I’ve taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I’ve signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I’ve bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I’m not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.

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May 9, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Journaling

This card has come up twice within a week and that really makes me wonder why.  Part of me wants to read it as it is about X.  I want to take it literally about playing with fire and about taking risks and being bold.  But there could be so many other aspects of my life this could apply to.  Is it about revitalizing something?  Is it about taking risks and playing with my future? It might be about taking risks and being bold from a career perspective.  I guess I’m going to have to pray and meditate to determine what’s going on.

Words:  Bold, Blaze, Risks, Control, Beauty, Self Worth, dancing with fire

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May 3, 2016

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Explorer of Fire

First Impressions:  Being one with the flame, being surrounded by the flame, dancing in the dark, playing with fire.  This card speaks to secrets and the unknown as the woman dancing with fire is masked.  I read this card as someone who is a risk taker, someone who is not afraid of getting burned.  She has a confidence, almost an arrogance.  There may be energy there that is not so playful.

Book:  Playing with fire, taking risks, a woman who is balance, coordinated, flexible, and daring, fire consumes, and transforms, it’s important to take precautions when dancing with fire.

Guidance:  Share your enthusiasm and let sparks fly, take a bold stand, move toward what you want in life

Journaling:

I’m wondering exactly what this card means for me.  Does it mean that I’m playing with fire in relationships?  Does it mean I should be bold and make a move?  It’s interesting as the fire dancer has come up several times in readings about relationships.  I also wonder if this card is symbolic of the dance we do.

I am getting such a strong message right now that I need to step back and that everything will all work out.  I need to step back and get out of my own way. 

February 4, 2018 Review

Interesting cards lately as I’m really getting the message that it is time for me to be bold about my own life.  It is time for me to choose my own path and to walk away from things that no longer serve me.  And waiting for him to come around no longer serves me.  I deserve a life of wonder and passion and it is time for me to claim that life.

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I’m very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don’t know what I’m up against.  I feel as if I don’t know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don’t know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018 Review

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I’ve been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I’ve taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I’ve signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I’ve bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I’m not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

April 17, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Fiery passion, plunging ahead

Book:  Expanding and violating aspect of fire, bold and unafraid

Guidance:  Guard against becoming too macho, direct your passion to overcoming personal shortcomings, learn to yield

Affirmation:  I have universal power at my command.  I can and do make a difference

Journaling

I love this card.  It is about blocks being removed and about finding one’s power.  Paradoxically, one of the meanings is surrender and I do feel I have to have faith and surrender.  I fell like it is all going to work out with X.  I just need to have faint and surrender my need for control.  I need to trust the future to them.  I’ve put it out there that i want and deserve love.  I have to trust them while I do magick on me.

April 22, 2016 Revisit

Opening myself to receive is one of the hardest things ever.

This is a test post

October 31, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  In some ways, this card looks like the devil sitting in front of the gates of hell.  However, I could also see this as an Indian holy man sitting in front of a funeral pyre.

Book:  Searching for meaning, a spiritual quest.

Guidance:   Look within

Journaling:

In some ways, I feel like my entire life is a quest for spiritual meaning and there are days when I feel like I have been looking without for that meaning.  I look for spiritual meaning in books, in candles, in prayer, and in other people.  However, the truth of the matter is that my spiritual meaning has to come from within.  It has to come from the deepest part of the soul.  I don’t know what that meaning is yet, but I do believe that I need to find that meaning in myself.

Sometimes I think the meaning is taking care of others, but that is difficult sometimes as there are so many people who will take advantage of you and not respect you.  There are also so many days when I want to just go away and never talk to anyone again.  I love my solitude and I love having my time and space to myself.  Maybe my spiritual meaning is to find and understand myself.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home with the kids today and we had beef pot pies for dinner, cranberry wine, and apples with caramel.  We went through and did the recitation of our beloved dead.  We also talked about the fact that Stella died over the weekend.  Cam and I had both felt like the energy was angsty

Weather:  It was really nice out.  As it is getting to the end of October, it is getting dark earlier, but the weather is nice and has just that perfect crisp in the air.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:55/6:23

———————————————————————————————————————–

June 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  I love that this knight is dressed in gold instead of silver, his headdress makes him look like a healer, and his wand is a living thing

Book:  Charming, adventure, daring, manifestation

Guidance:   Horus protects those who dare to fly

Journaling:

This card is calling me to be bold, to be my best self, and to know that I am golden.  This card is calling me to engage in magick and find  my place in the world,  It is about being brave, being bold, and knowing where I deserve to go.  It is also calling me to manifest my dreams.  I have been in such a rut lately that I haven’t felt like doing manifestation.  However, i think it is time for me to revisit my magick heart.  The first step is to clean the house and clean away all the nasty energy.  I’m going to work on that this week when Sean is gone.

Where I’m At:  I’m in Peoria today.  We finished up early this morning so I went back to my hotel to hang out.  I had my PON call and the Evil M dominated it.  Even though I had multiple topics and she knew that, she acted as if it was all about her.  She always acts as if it is all about her.  I also had the creepiest experience in the hotel.  I was in bed and I felt as if there was a heartbeat going up and down my back.  It spooked me and I thought it might have been Luke or Blake, but I don’t know.

Weather:  It was not as hot outside today so I got a lot done.  It was also nice as I actually had energy today, which hasn’t happened in a while.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 59%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:27 am / 8:27 pm

—————————————————————————————————————————–

March 18, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Abandon, being surrounded by passion

Book:  Charisma, spontaneity, spirited energy that gets things done 

Guidance:   Bravely pursue the things that inspire you the most

Journaling:

As I think about what inspires me the most, it is being of service and helping illuminate situations that make people think.  I want to help real people and not just help big corporations.  I’m also struggling with patriarchal ways of power because I’m realizing it is all about ego.  At work, people have these ideas and want to enforce them not because they think they are a good idea, but because of their own ego.

I always thought it was suspect when people said that women led differently, but I’m realizing that it is true.  Women are more about servant leadership and about helping other people get ahead.  However, a patriarchal way of leadership is about being in charge and beating one’s chest.  Feminist leadership is about reaching out a hand and helping others up.

So how do I live a life that is true to my values?  I think I need to start praying daily for my life to change to meet my values.  

Where I’m At: is a Friday morning and I’m at home.  I have absolutely no desire to work today, but I also did a lot yesterday so I don’t have too much to finish

Weather: It is a little chilly out, but it is only 8 am.  It looks like it will be a beautiful day

Moon Phase:  Full

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:33am / 7: 36 pm

———————————————————————————————————————–

February 19, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Joyous abandon, spontaneity, creativity, spark of joy

Book:  Charisma, spontaneity, fast energy, enthusiasm, spirited energy

Guidance:   Bring adventure and enthusiasm into your world

Journaling:

This is a card of fiery passion and abandon and it has been a long time since I’ve felt that energy in my life.  I used to think nothing of jumping in the car and setting off on an adventure, but lately it feels like there are to many responsibilities tying me down.  it feels as if life is about meeting my responsibilities and not about the joy of exploration.  However, when I really dig into it, I realize that I spend my life in fear.  I’m afraid of not having enough.  I’m afraid of losing what I have.  

It has been a long time since I have just let myself live.  I think that is what appeals to me about Big Sur as when I am there, I can just be.  I can experience the sunsets, the beach, and the world in a very visceral way that is not part of my every day meeting.  That is part of what I love about the Southwest as well.  When i am there, I inhabit my body and am part of the world in a way that I’m not when I am home.  I think part of it is that this does not feel like my body home.  I don’t feel attached to the land in the same way that I do in California and the Southwest.  When I am in those places, I feel at home in my body and my soul.  I’ve felt less at home in Ohio and the Midwest then ever before this winter.  The winter has soaked into my bones and I feel cold all the time.  Maybe that is why people flee the Midwest for Arizona and Florida, there bodies can no longer handle the cold.

This card is also a reminder of the joys of drumming and how the energy from the drum fills your entire body.  For me, drumming is not about the sound as much as it is about the feeling my body gets from the sound reverberating through my very bones.  As I reflect on this card, I feel it is about feeling the connection of body, mind, and spirit and being in synch with myself.

Where I’m At: I’m at home today and I’m sitting in the orange chair snuggling with Wendy while the sun shines through the picture window.  It is one of those beautiful, but cold days.  

Mood: I’m in a good mood today as I only worked 1/2 a day yesterday and I’m feeling relaxed and calm.  

Weather:   It is beautiful, but cold outside.  It is only 18 degrees, but because it is sunny, it doesn’t feel quite so cold.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 92%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:15 am / 6:04 pm

————————————————————————————————————————–

Deck:  Tarot of the divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Wisdom, endurance

Book:  Searching for enlightenment

Guidance:  Open yourself to the world of spirit

Journaling

I was drawn to this card because it feels warm and wise and the meaning of opening yourself to the world of spirit is apt for me because I need to balance my book learning with opening my heart to new things.  I love my school work, but I also know that I have a tendency to become obsessed and to focus all my energy on brain learning and not let myself take time for the softer types of learning, of feeling, and of being present for myself.  I can sit my butt on the couch and type all day without noticing the beauty and wonder that is all around me.  One way that I know to counter this is to physically get up and clean the house once or twice a day.  Doing so helps me to get out of my head and into my body, and getting out of my head and into my body helps reconnect me with spirit.

The other thing that I need to get better about doing is getting into an actual routine for my tarot journaling.  I’ve been really bad about not doing that every day and I think that is because I don’t yet have a set routine.  I actually like doing it at night because it feels like a really good way to end the day, especially when I am pulling cards deliberately, but lately I’ve been letting myself get so sucked into school that I haven’t made the 10 minutes it takes a day to pull a card and right about it.  I also have to quit working right up until time to go to bed.  The one thing that I am doing right though is making time to connect on the Dark Goddess Lodge.  I’m actually doing the meditations and reflecting on them on a regular basis.  That’s helping me connect with spirit on a deeper level and is adding meaning to my life and helping me to grow.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Fire, Passion

Book:  Passion is the cause, meeting challenges head on, erratic, difficulty completing things, likes to stir conflict

Guidance:  Learn to temper appetites with restraint, balance, passion with restraint, adopt a wait and see attitude

Journaling

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I’m very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don’t know what I’m up against.  I feel as if I don’t know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don’t know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018 Review

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I’ve been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I’ve taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I’ve signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I’ve bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I’m not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.

————————————————————————————————————————–

May 9, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Journaling

This card has come up twice within a week and that really makes me wonder why.  Part of me wants to read it as it is about X.  I want to take it literally about playing with fire and about taking risks and being bold.  But there could be so many other aspects of my life this could apply to.  Is it about revitalizing something?  Is it about taking risks and playing with my future? It might be about taking risks and being bold from a career perspective.  I guess I’m going to have to pray and meditate to determine what’s going on.

Words:  Bold, Blaze, Risks, Control, Beauty, Self Worth, dancing with fire

———————————————————————————–

May 3, 2016

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Explorer of Fire

First Impressions:  Being one with the flame, being surrounded by the flame, dancing in the dark, playing with fire.  This card speaks to secrets and the unknown as the woman dancing with fire is masked.  I read this card as someone who is a risk taker, someone who is not afraid of getting burned.  She has a confidence, almost an arrogance.  There may be energy there that is not so playful.

Book:  Playing with fire, taking risks, a woman who is balance, coordinated, flexible, and daring, fire consumes, and transforms, it’s important to take precautions when dancing with fire.

Guidance:  Share your enthusiasm and let sparks fly, take a bold stand, move toward what you want in life

Journaling:

I’m wondering exactly what this card means for me.  Does it mean that I’m playing with fire in relationships?  Does it mean I should be bold and make a move?  It’s interesting as the fire dancer has come up several times in readings about relationships.  I also wonder if this card is symbolic of the dance we do.

I am getting such a strong message right now that I need to step back and that everything will all work out.  I need to step back and get out of my own way. 

February 4, 2018 Review

Interesting cards lately as I’m really getting the message that it is time for me to be bold about my own life.  It is time for me to choose my own path and to walk away from things that no longer serve me.  And waiting for him to come around no longer serves me.  I deserve a life of wonder and passion and it is time for me to claim that life.

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I’m very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don’t know what I’m up against.  I feel as if I don’t know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don’t know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018 Review

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I’ve been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I’ve taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I’ve signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I’ve bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I’m not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

April 17, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Fiery passion, plunging ahead

Book:  Expanding and violating aspect of fire, bold and unafraid

Guidance:  Guard against becoming too macho, direct your passion to overcoming personal shortcomings, learn to yield

Affirmation:  I have universal power at my command.  I can and do make a difference

Journaling

I love this card.  It is about blocks being removed and about finding one’s power.  Paradoxically, one of the meanings is surrender and I do feel I have to have faith and surrender.  I fell like it is all going to work out with X.  I just need to have faint and surrender my need for control.  I need to trust the future to them.  I’ve put it out there that i want and deserve love.  I have to trust them while I do magick on me.

April 22, 2016 Revisit

Opening myself to receive is one of the hardest things ever.

The theme of this blog hop is Ancestors.  I am the wrangler for this hop and below is the guidance I gave our hoppers.

Most folks think if Halloween (which is another name for Samhain) as a time for cute costumes and trick or treating. However, in ancient times Samhain was considered the time when the veil between this world and the next was thin and our ancestors could come back to visit us.

Our hop this time around explores the concept of ancestors and our relationship with them. Ancestors do not have to be your blood relatives, but they can be people who have guided you and mentored you in your life. Ancestors can also include people unknown to you.

So to explore the concept of Ancestors, you could:

• Use tarot cards to explore messages from ancestors
• Use the cards to delve into regrets you might have around how you treated your ancestors
• Delve into what you need to know about your ancestors

And of course, as always, you can go in a completely different direction as long as it involves Tarot/Divination and ancestors.

The Master List for the Hop is below:

Kimberly Essex

Joy Vernon

Jay Cassels

Koneta Bailey

Raine Shakti

Please take some time to read and enjoy all the blog postings.

Previous | Master List | Next

The theme of this blog hop is Ancestors.  I am the wrangler for this hop and below is the guidance I gave our hoppers.

Most folks think if Halloween (which is another name for Samhain) as a time for cute costumes and trick or treating. However, in ancient times Samhain was considered the time when the veil between this world and the next was thin and our ancestors could come back to visit us.

Our hop this time around explores the concept of ancestors and our relationship with them. Ancestors do not have to be your blood relatives, but they can be people who have guided you and mentored you in your life. Ancestors can also include people unknown to you.

So to explore the concept of Ancestors, you could:

• Use tarot cards to explore messages from ancestors
• Use the cards to delve into regrets you might have around how you treated your ancestors
• Delve into what you need to know about your ancestors

And of course, as always, you can go in a completely different direction as long as it involves Tarot/Divination and ancestors.

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The plan for my blog hop came when I was laying in bed not able to sleep and started to think about the bad lessons my ancestors had taught me.  I got a little riled up, then I got the message that I should do a spread on lessons and messages from my ancestors.  Just having a plan to communicate with my ancestors calmed me down and I was able to sleep.

In designing this spread, I decided that for each ancestor I chose to communicate with, I would ask two questions:  What lessons did you teach me? and What messages do you have for me?  I’m also mixing things up a little and using two decks for this spread, something I’ve never done before.  I’m using the Secrets of the Rose Tarot for lessons and the Santa Muerte tarot for messages.  I pulled up photos of my beloved dead, sat in front of my Samhain Altar and let the messages from the dead flow.

Leonard Collins (Dad)

I was always a daddy’s girl and I know I was the apple of his eye and he was always supportive and loving.  This picture was taken at a a 25th anniversary party for my dad and mom and what I love about this picture is that my dad was very quiet and generally soft spoken, however, he could also be very gregarious and he was in this element at this party as he loved chatting and visiting with folks he had not seen in a while.

The line that stands out for me in the guidebook is “Rewards for emotional energies expended on others, with full recognition for time, patience, and effort.”  Although in many families, it is the mother who is the emotional bulwark of the family, in mine it was my daddy.  He truly cared about and loved other people and one of the best examples of this was when I was in college and attempted suicide.  My daddy told me it broke his heart that I did that and he wanted to help me through it any way he could.  In contrast, my mother said that “I didn’t raise a drunken slut who tries to kill herself.”   That sums up the difference in my parents so well.  My mother is all about how things reflect on her, while my daddy took on other people’s pain.  I remember when my grandma was dying in the hospital and my daddy told me to always tell people that you love them because you might not get another chance.  

The reading for this card is interesting as it is about spiritual stagnation brought about by emotional blindness.  The card also discusses mental exhaustion brought about by excessive emotional energy.  This is a very interesting lesson from my grandmother.  Her husband, my grandfather, died in 1937 leaving her with three small boys to raise.  The stories I’ve heard are that she fell into a deep depression after her husband died and would not leave her room for weeks.  Eventually, she moved from the home they had shared in Bethalto, MO back to her home town of Poplar Bluff, MO.  She was able to purchase a small home, most likely with life insurance proceeds, and she gave her boys the best life she could.  Although they may not have had much in the ways of monetary possessions, they were raised around their extended family so they did have lots of love.

The eight of pentacles is all about reaping what you sow and my grandmother was a master gardener.  She had a small home, but it was surrounded by well tended flower beds and vegetable gardens.  She also had a small grape arbor and grew raspberries and pears.  Grandma primarily tended the flower beds, but she was always the one that planted the vegetable garden and she would be out there on very hot days tending to it.  I learned to love fresh produce from my grandma as all summer long we would have salads made with her lettuces and tomatoes.  It was from her that I learned that lettuce came in more varieties than iceberg.  Every meal that I ate at my grandma’s was served with a salad topped with oil and vinegar.  I think I was a teenager before I learned that there were other choices for dressing.   So much of what grandma served came from her garden.  We ate spaghetti with tomato sauce that came from the tomatoes she canned every summer, we ate chop suey with veggies from the garden.  Although at the time being a locavore wasn’t a thing, she really was as she really did cook farm to table before that became the thing to do.

Life is short, you should enjoy yourself.  The four of wands is a card about celebration and looking for the joy in life.  Luke loved life and he always seemed to be happy, despite not having a good start in life.  When I adopted him, he had been taken back to the shelter three times for various reasons.  However, like every dog I had ever known, he loved life and the people that shared his life with him.  When we lived in Chicago, we would go for walks around the neighborhood and one of Luke’s favorite spots to stop was an ice cream shop called Scoops.  We would always get him a scoop of vanilla ice cream and we would usually get sundaes.  Luke would gobble up all of his ice cream, then sit and wait for us to share ours with him.

The lesson I take from Luke and every other dog I have ever had is that life is too short to dwell on the bad stuff, you need to celebrate all of the good stuff, especially the small things like ice cream and walks along the lakefront.

What messages does Luke have for me? (Page of Pentacles)

The page of pentacles seems an odd card to pull here as this card is usually about being hard working and studious.  However, a deeper look into meanings associated with the page of pentacles are about being dependable and loyal.  The message I’m getting from Luke is to be dependable and loyal to those who love you.  Dogs are some of the most dependable and loyal creatures around and they are loyal to a fault.  However, Luke is also telling me that some people do not deserve my loyalty and that is so true.  There are people, like my ex, who are users and giving them my loyalty is a sure fire way to get hurt.  It’s funny that this message is coming through because after ex left, I tried so hard to prove myself and to win him back.  However, all I ended up getting was hurt.  And I should have known that John wasn’t worth my loyalty because he’d kicked Luke once and he hit me more than once.  Luke is reminding me that I need to be careful who I trust.

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Frida Kahlo

July 6, 1907 — July 15, 1954

I didn’t discover Frida until a few years ago when I began seeing stylized paintings of her all over the place.  When I began reading about her and researching her, I realized there was so much to admire.  She overcame disabilities to become a famous painter, she lived life according to her own rules and not those of society, and she accomplished so much as a woman.  Frida did have her downside as while she lived according to her own rules, she also accepted much chaos in her life and her marriage to Diego was chaotic and in some instances cruel.

Frida’s skull originally came from Mexico and I purchased it at the Pottery Place in Surprise, AZ.  My kids and I had discovered this amazing store when we were in Phoenix in 2011 and when I was back in Phoenix last December, I sought this place out and bought this skull.

What lessons did I learn from Frida? (The Hermit)

Frida has never seemed the hermit to me based on what I have read about her life.  However, I believe the message here is to live our own lives and to seek our own truths and Frida did that in spades.  She was never content to follow the crowds. Although on the surface, Frida always seemed like she was surrounded by people, I know the injuries she suffered when she was a child changed the course of her life.  She spent many months bedridden and I imagine she spent time in her head as well.  I doubt that Frida ever meant to become a icon or a role model, but she ended up both.  Her perseverance through an accident that almost ended her life, has made her a role model for those in the disabled community and she is also a role model for women as she lived a bold and creative life at a time when options were limited for women.  

What messages does Friday have for me? (The Hanged Man)

The message I am taking from this is to grow where you are planted.  Frida was involved in a horrible bus accident when she was 18 and while she was in recovery she studied the Old Masters and learned to paint.  She also made beauty out of pain by painting the plaster corsets that she wore after the accident with tigers, monkeys, and streetcars.  I cannot begin to imagine the immense pain, loneliness, and grief that Frida felt after her accident, but I admire her tremendously for creating beauty during this time.

Reflecting on this lesson helps me to realize that no matter what my circumstances, I can find a way to grow where I am planted.

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The Ancestors

I firmly believe that those who have gone before us are all of our ancestors, so I also asked for any general lessons from the ancestors and general messages.  I chose Anubis to represent all of the ancestors because he is the lord of the dead and he has been my family’s protector for over 30 years.  We all have Anubis’ affixed to the dashboards of our car and he protects our home.  The Anubis I chose to use for this picture was purchased in Salem, MA and he has interesting stories to tell about his journey home.  When we first got  him, my daughter and I went to a beach in MA to do ritual and a cop came up and asked what the “big thing” we were carrying to the beach was.  We showed him our Anubis and he just shook his head and went about his business.  Additionally, when it came time to fly home, my carry on bag was overweight so he had to fly home in my carryon and TSA were a little reluctant to let him in the cabin of the plane, but ultimately they let him fly home with us.

Any general lessons from the ancestors? (King of Cups)

Mastery of emotions is critical for success in life.  However, mastery does not mean suppression.  Emotions play an important part in life, but it is critical to not be a slave to emotions.  There is a saying in Twelve Step programs that “Facts aren’t Feelings” and this is something I have learned to be true in my life.  I am entitled to my sadness, my anger, my rage, my joy, my happiness, and every other emotion.  However for people who have grown up in traumatic environments, emotions can get out of control and we can take umbrage when none is intended.  I know that when I was younger, I thought the world revolved around me and if someone was having a bad day, I always assumed it was about me.

The flip side of this is that we do have the right to be upset when someone hurts our feelings or says something cruel.  I had a friend once who would make these rude and flippant comments and if I would call him on it, his response was that I was too sensitive.  The king of cups tells me that I need to learn to balance my emotions and not take everything personally, but also to allow myself to express feelings.  This can be a difficult balancing act.

Any general messages from the ancestors? (Empress)

The masculine energy of the King of Cups is balanced out by the very feminine Empress.  The Empress is about creativity and nurturing and the message I take from this is to continue to nurture your own creativity and that of others.  Kindness is the order of the day so be kind to all you meet.  However, never forget you are the Empress of your own life and do not not nurture others at the expense of your own well being.  There is a tendency for women especially to “give until it hurts” and when you give until it hurts there is nothing left for you.  Take care of yourself, then nurture others.

Summary

The last few days have truly felt like the ancestors were circling around.  Early last week, the energy was very unsettling and it felt as if the gates of hell were opening as the energy was chaotic.  However, once I put up my ancestor altar, they calmed down.  

I don’t know if it was the chaotic ancestor energy or what, but this blog post was emotionally draining to write.  I truly felt the presence of ancestors around me and guiding me.  As you can tell from reading the post, it also drudged up some happy and sad memories.  Most of what I wrote was personal, but one of the lessons I have learned over the last few years is that sometimes there is something in the personal that people can learn from.

I will also say that at times it was hard to tell what was a lesson and what was a message, but I just recorded what came though the best I could.

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October 29, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This seems like such a typical Devil card and I would have just gone with the traditional meaning, until I listened to Lisa’s video and she pointed out the upside down Buddha’s under the people.  I like that as it shows that even in darkness, there is still a reflection of what is good.

Book:  The lesson is that if we sit with our shadow the realization will come that we can throw off the hold of our inner demons and rise. Enormous energy will be released and darkness will become light.

Guidance:   Do not demonize yourself

Journaling:

I love the reminder to not demonize myself.  I grew up being reminded constantly about my flaws.  I was too bossy, I was too outspoken, I was too much.  I was never celebrated for the things I did right and when I did get good grades or do something else good it wasn’t enough.  I always had to do better.  I was never told that I was perfect just the way I am.  I also realize now that those characteristics that my mother tried to drill out of me were actually leadership traits and she should have nurtured them instead of trying to drill them out of me.  She wanted to turn me into a domestic little toad who could not speak for herself and although she failed, life would have been so much better for me if she had supported me instead of put me down.

I try very hard to support and celebrate my kids and to really help them be their best.  That is kind of hard based on how I was raised, but I do work on it.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and the weather is absolutely beautiful.  I went to the market, got my emissions checked, then came home and got home to get Clam to go to to Dias De Los Muertos.  And after we went to the festival, we went to Garfield’s Memorial.  It was an abolustely beautiful day.  One of the best things about living in da Cle is that everything is accessible.  It doesn’t take a whole day to go and do something fun.

Weather:  The weather is absolutely spectacular out today.  It is just crisp and cool enough to be nice out without being two shivery.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 20%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:53 / 6:56

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August 5, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this devil card and how his face appears multiple places on his body.  It seems to be saying that, he is always watching

Book:  Pride, ego, arrogance, malice, temptation, slavery, compulsion, bondage

Guidance:   Pride goeth before a fall

Journaling:

The Devil is an interesting card as it is about pride, arrogance, and obsession.  However, it is also about making choices that make you happy.  Anything in excess, including food and work, can be destructive, but there is a time when you need to choose happiness and there are people who believe that choosing happiness is wrong.  This is a card of the puritans and a belief that anything that makes you happy or brings joy is wrong.  Writing is good, art is good, dancing is good, but there are those who view those things as the devil’s work because they are sometimes viewed as “not productive.”  I used to think that paying a lot of money for a good meal was wasteful because I could eat Mcdonald’s and fill my stomach.  However, when I was in Amsterdam, I spent a day wandering around and I had two very expensive chocolates and some very expensive strawberries for lunch and it was a lunch I remember to this day because I savored it.  That was when I learned that there is something to be said for satisfying the soul as well as the body.

Art, writing, reading are all things that satisfy the soul and they are worth it even though there are people who view those things as wasteful.  After two years spent in lockdown, I’ve realized that I want to live to satisfy my soull

Where I’m At:  Today was an amazing day.  Cam and I went on an adventure to Sharon, PA and it is a cute little town.  We are seriously thinking of moving there.

Weather:  It was ungodly hot and humid out today.  It rained earlier today and when we got home, the heat was unbearable

Moon Phase:  First Quarter, 50%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:23 am / 8:40 pm

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June 20, 2022 

Deck:  Intuitive Dark Goddess

Card Name:  Reclamation

First Impressions:  Vulture reclaiming, butterfly as transformation, goddess has hoofs

Book:  Choice, shifting perspective, self work, shadow work

Guidance:   You are your own master

Journaling:

I love the thought of the Devil as reclaiming as I’m learning that the devil really is about reclaiming who I am and reclaiming my rights as a person.  I was brought up to believe I had no rights and that everything I did was about someone else.  However, I’m working to reclaim who I am and to become the person I am meant to be.

I’m also realizing that I am working to reclaim who I want to be from who I have become.  I swore in college that I would never become a corporate robot, but in so many ways I feel like that is who I am.  I’ve become someone I don’t really like.  I work at a job that requires me to be nice to assholes and it is getting harder and harder to do.  I know that every job requires you to be nice to assholes to a certain extent, but this one sucks more than most.

Weather:  It actually felt cool out today although it was about 75

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 57%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:04

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Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Evil, debauchery, separation, scary

Book:  Oppression, addiction, voluntary bondage, temptation, materialism, toxic relationships

Guidance: Even the angels can fall from grace

Journaling:

It’s interesting as I view the devil as a give myself permission card.  The devil is about hedonism and excess, but who determines what is hedonism and excess?  I was raised in a family where denial was the rule.  It was drilled into my head that sex before marriage was bad and when I was living with John my family harassed me until I married him.  My mother guilted me, my aunts called to see if he answered the phone.  However, my brain was so fucked up by all the stupid lessons my family had given me that I gave in and married him and set myself up for 22 years of hell.  I should have been strong enough to tell them to fuck off.  Sex is not a sin and it is so patriarchal to act like women are sluts for sleeping with men without being married.

Where: I’m at home alone this evening while the kids are taking the puppers for a walk.  It is so nice to have a quiet house.  I’m also feeling horrible today as the cramps are super bad and I am so tired and weak.  I don’t know what’s up, but I’m just tired of being tired.

Weather:  It was hot all day, but it has started to cool down

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 90%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:07 /8:37

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March 5, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Stardust, seduction, pulling strings

Book:  Addiction, liberation, freedom from vices, healing found in darkness

Guidance: Witness and release your own shadows  

Journaling:

The invitation into the dark is a sacred one.  I followed the siren call of the darkness after my divorce and I found it a healing and seductive place.  There is seduction in staying curled into a ball and ignoring the world around me.  There was seduction in exploring my own history and there was a temptation to play the victim.  So much of who we are came about because of other people.  My parents shaped me with my embracing some of the lessons, rejecting others, and absorbing still others unconsciously.  I’ve consciously rejected my mother’s racist and judgmental attitudes, but there are times when I see someone and her voice plays in my head as I judge people for how they look, what they wear, etc.  There is a part of me that is ashamed when I hear that voice.  However, I’m also learning to be kind to myself and to realize that like everyone I am a product of my history and just because I think it does not mean I say it.

I also realize that the ability to go willingly into the darkness is privilege.  Some people do not have the time or the energy to delve into their subconscious.  And other people get pulled into the darkness through addiction.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting on the living room couch in the calm.  There is work to be done, but sometimes it is just nice to 

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day today as it hit 70 and it felt so warm outside.  If it is this nice tomorrow, I’m going to hang out outside.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 9%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 / 6:22

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 January 14, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Sadness, under someone’s thumb, inability to act on one’s own

Book:  Inner demons, hidden parts we are ashamed of

Guidance:  If we can release our inner demons, enormous energy will be released and darkness becomes light

Journaling

It’s interesting that even though I know better, my first impression of the devil is always of being under someone else’s control and being abused by some external force.  In reality, the devil is about giving our control away and choosing to be a victim.  It is about choosing to believe the ugly words that people say about us, it is about choosing to do things that do not make us proud of ourselves, and it is choosing to believe we have no power in our lives.  There are things that happen to us that are outside of our control, but all too often we choose to make those things about us when they often aren’t.  I’m sitting here after a client blew me off for a morning meeting for the second time in a week.  Ten years ago, my reaction would have been to make it about me, but now I realize that it isn’t about me at all, but is all about her.   Ten years ago if someone cut me off, I would have made it personal, but now I realize it is not about me.  And even if things are about me, I have a choice to believe or not believe what people say.

This is another lesson I learned in Al-Anon, that the world does not revolve around me and that choosing to be a victim is in some ways another way of being arrogant and looking for attention.  While being arrogant says I’m so wonderful, being a victim says that I’m a poor pitiable creature and I need you to take care of me because I cannot take care of myself.  I used to be that poor pitiable creature who needed everyone to validate that I had a right to exist.  As I started to grow and heal, I realized where those ideas about myself came from and I worked hard to squash them and develop my own sense of personhood.  I’ve learned my strengths and my weaknesses and by learning to accept all of me, I’m learning to mitigate the effects of my weaknesses.

July 6, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Rock Star, Hedonism

Book:  Lord of Obsession, Baser Instincts, embodying all of our shadow instincts, light and dark muse coexist

Guidance:  Look at the part of yourself you have repressed or denied, seek the road between inhibition and compulsion, seek pleasure without shame, explore all of usJournaling

The devil is a card that I always struggled with and that always scared me because I know that obsession and addiction can ruin lives.  However, the Devil has a valuable lesson to teach us and that is managing our hedonism and accepting that pleasure does not have to be addictive.  There are times when we are so afraid of feeling good or having nice things that we say no to everything.  Working with Devil energy means knowing when to say no and when to say yes.  I will always say no to drugs or things that could seriously harm me, but I can find balance in my life when it comes to other hedonistic pleasure. 

I know I have an addictive personality and I will never say yes to hard drugs because I know they have the potential to destroy my life.  I am learning to balance my addictions to food and learning when to say yes and when to say no.  I’ve learned that if I have a really high quality treat and I make it special, it is satisfying.  However, if I continually say yes to drugstore chocolate or subpar treats, I will eat more and more of them because they are not satisfying.  I’m also learning that I have to say no at the grocery store because generally I won’t go back out to get junk food, but if I say yes in the grocery store, I will eat and eat and eat until it is gone. 

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April 18, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card Name:  Pan, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Slave to desires

Book:  Not being in harmony, not being chained, chains falling off

Guidance:  rules of nature apply to external and unbalanced world.  Look at our own addictive behavior.  Elevate a sense of humor, search for the light

Affirmation:  I am not a slave to my addictions

Journaling:

It’s time for me to let go of my addictions and crutches and to trust the universe that it will all be okay.  I am stronger than I know and I am going to be okay.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Another card of surrender and trust.  I need to surrender, but I’m not sure what I need to surrender.  I need to surrender my need to control.  I need to release and open myself to receive.  I have so many barricades built around me that it is hard for anyone to get close to me.

January 15, 2022  Revisit

One of the most important lessons I have learned over the last few years is that not everything is under my control.  The New Age world preaches that we create our own reality, but that is not 100% true.  There are factors that are outside of our control that impact our reality.  We need to look at what is and what is not under our control when we consider creating our own reality.

I hate to go back to John as an example, but I’m going to.  He says that he did not get the opportunity to go to college and graduate, but that is not true.  I was willing to pay for him to go to college on Okinawa, but he blew it because he wanted to go to college three nights a week and go bowling and do other things and expected me to work all day and come home and take care of the kids and the house.  I was not signing up for that.  If he had been reasonable about it, he could have come home from Okinawa with a degree.  He also had the opportunity to get tuition reimbursement at Standard Parking and he chose not to.  Those were choices.  He also chose to buy a house pretty much sight unseen and now he is realizing what a dump it is and he has  no money to fix it.  Those were also choices he made.

We are seeing more and more people sick with covid and they are sick because they chose not to get the vaccine.  That is there choice, but unfortunately other people are adversely impacted by that choice.  

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October 25, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Trapped in uncomfortable choices

Book:  Liberation from restrictions, defeat, release, severance, seeker will overcome evil, tempting fates

Guidance:  Remove what is holding you in bondage

Journaling

This card resonated with me today as it is about accepting and acknowledge all of me.  It is about not denying my shadow aspects.  I don’t have to indulge them, but I need to own them.  I’ve also realized that owning and accepting doesn’t mean I no longer work to grow and change.  It just means I am kind to the lost little girl who needs emotional support.

May 25, 2018

Interesting to read this today as last night I took Cam to Dillards and we bought underwear.  I was taken back to the year I started college and my dad took me shopping for clothes.  I bought expensive silk underwear and I bought this amazing swimsuit.  It was one piece, but it had buttons on the side and high cut thighs.  It was in no way racy, but it made me look and feel good about myself.  However, my stupid relatives had to shame me for having a nice body and wanting to show it off.  That was wrong of them.  I was doing nothing wrong and I was not responsible for their puritan beliefs. 

I don’t still have the awesome body that  had when I was in college, but my body is mine and it deserves to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve love and respect.  And love and respect means feeding myself healthy and nourishing foods that are good for me in the long term and don’t just give me a short term sugar high.

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September 13, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Initial Thoughts:  There is a musical note between the figures that is kind off interesting.  Additionally, the Devil has an upside down pentacle on his forehead.  He also makes me think of a puppet pulling strings.  When I see this card, I think of choices as the couple is not tied up and it appears they could flee if they wanted  to escape.  This card also reminds me that bondage is sometimes personal choice.  I also think about our devotion t o addictions such as sex and materialism.

Book:  Being held in bondage, undesirable forces, chained down by materialism, temptation, call to awaken to responsibility, integrate and channel the life force.

Guidance:  Live in balance.  Accept the wealth the world has to offer.

Journaling

Since the DruidCraft deck was my first tarot deck, I always think about Cernunous when I see this card.   He is the horned god of the hunt and in that deck the “devil” is not evil, but a force to be channeled.  Overindulging is what puts is unto bondage.

This card like so many tarot carts speaks for balance.  It is when we get out of balance that life becomes unmanageable and addictions are a good indication that life is unmanageable.  This card could also be speaking to me of my need to break my sugar addiction.  I know it is killing me, but I still shovel sugar in my mouth.  I’m not sure how to break the addiction and get back on track.  I need to ask for guidance.

December 21, 2017
I’m getting chills as I read what I wrote because today while Cam and I were out walking, I talked about how so many stories about addiction don’t talk about the spiritual side of healing and the need to ask for help to take the addiction away.  I know when I was in college and was drinking too much, it was AA that truly helped me to break the addiction.  Asking for help and turning my addiction over to a higher power truly helped me to heal.  It didn’t make it easy, but it did help me to recover.

It was a higher power that also helped me to deal with my codependency after my marriage imploded.  By turning it over to a higher power, I was able to find the strength to heal and to leave behind some of my addictive and co-dependent behavior.

Dearest ones,

I admit that I am powerless over sugar and my life and health has become unmanageable.  I know that you can help me with this addiction and I am humbling asking you to do so and to take away my cravings for the sugar that is slowly killing me.

Thank you,
Raine

October 28, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  

Book:  Enjoy the senses and share with others

Guidance:   Enjoy the pleasures of the earth

Journaling:

The message I am taking from this card more than any other is to enjoy the bounty of the earth and of where you are at.  One of the best lessons for me from going to the farmers’ market on a regular basis is that I see what is available where I am at.  I know when the tomatoes are in season.  I see the fresh lettuce.  I see the squash when it is ripe.  The problem with the grocery store is that everything is available all year round and we do not learn to eat seasonally.  Food absorbs the nutrients of where it is grown and when we eat food off season, we are eating nutrients from somewhere that is not our local biome.  Although I haven’t done any research to see if there is research, my body tells me that I feel better when I eat local.

The same applies for living and visiting museums.  There is so much stuff to do in Cleveland and although I really love traveling, I also like spending an hour or two at a local museum just hanging out and seeing cool stuff.  A couple of weeks ago, we went to the Cultural Gardens and spent about an hour walking around.  It was so peaceful and relaxing and it just felt good to get outside and see cool stuff.  And then we could just come home to our house.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and am so glad that it is Friday.  It has been a long week and I am kind of tired, but it is a good tired as I felt like I got things done and am really moving forward.  It’s not like when I was at the bird and it felt like I never made progress

Weather:  It was nice today.  Chilly, but not horrible

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 12%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:51 / 6:27

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 August 24, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Flower of Stones

First Impressions:  I love this card showing a bear on a log just floating down the river.  It is very serene

Book:  Security, feeling fine in our skin, 

Guidance:   Listen to yourself, trust yourself

Journaling:

What an absolutely perfect card!  I love the thought of stepping into myself and owning who I am.  That is really the journey that I have been on for the last few years and it feels good to know that I am mostly there.  I’m gong to own my next career move.  I’m going to make the move that is right for me and that will if not fulfill me, at least help me pay off my bills and set my financial future straight.

What I’m realizing is that even though I make a ton of money, I’m comparing myself to people who are with partners who make as much as they do.  That means that even if someone made $100K and their partner made $100K, they would have a higher standard of living than I do.  That doesn’t really make me happy because I do work for what I have, but it is okay.  I’m going to get my PhD, work for a few years, then I’ll go to work teaching or doing something that makes me joyful.  In the meantime, I’m just going to enjoy each day as it comes.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and on PTO.  I’m starting to feel better, but I’m still tiring easily so I’m still taking it slow.  I hate being so tired and not having energy.  I’m also coughing if I exert myself too much.

Weather:  It is actually sort of nice outside.  It is about 70 and the sun is shining.  I’m going to go outside with the doggos after I know the Garbage People have come to take the garbage.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 8%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:43 / 8:13

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May 24, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Happiness, contentment, nature, being settled

Book: Attention to detail, physical comfort, harmony

Guidance: The highest good is in trinity

Journaling:

It’s hard to write today and think about the queen of pentacles and physical comfort as there was another damn school shooting.  Someone walked into a school and killed 19 kids.  There is no happiness or contentment in that.  This card doesn’t reflect where I’m at today, but maybe the card is about the queen of pentacles offering comfort and holding those left behind.

As I reflect on this card, it is a reminder to me to hold others and to be kind.  All we can do is take care of ourselves and those around us.  Sometimes we just can’t fix it all, but there is usually something we can fix.

Where: I’m home today and the stupid medicine has me so exhausted that I cannot function.  I hate drugs as they totally suck.  I’m stopping the lipitor and we’ll see if I start feeling better

Weather:  it is absolutely beautiful out today.  A little chilly, but sunny and gorgeous

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 32%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:57 / 8:48

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April 23, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Bunny love, grounded, spring, taking care of people

Book:  attention to detail, physical comfort, natural

Guidance:  The highest good is in trinity

Journaling:

The queen of pentacles reminds me of my Grandma Elda because she was all about physical comfort and taking care of people.  I always felt safe at her house and although I know in retrospect that she wasn’t rich and there were days when she might have not hat a stocked larder, I always felt abundance at her house.  She always took care of people and I always knew that I was loved.  That is in contrast to my own home.  I don’t know how to explain it, but my mother was not good at taking care of people.  It was not natural for her, but Grandma Elda was a natural about taking care of people.  I think that’s where I learned to love to cook and be there for others.

At my heart, I am a Queen of Pentacles because I like to take care of people as well, but I don’t want to be taken advantage of and way too many people believe that caring people deserve to be taken advantage of.  John was like that as he took advantage of my good nature and he expected me to take care of the house and work and that was impossible.

Where: I am at home today and it is nice to hang out at the house.  the house is slowly getting cleaner, but I have to admit it is so overwhelming to get it clean.  The past year has been so hard as it has felt isolating and divisive.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out with the temperature in the 70s and the sun shining.

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:32 am / 8:16 am

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March 20, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Grounded, serene, attentive to nature, connected to nature

Book:  material wealth and abundance, strength in family, a kind and warm heart, a healer, healing

Guidance:   Don’t over mother

Journaling:

I love this reading as it is all about enjoying true abundance and not the abundance that comes from buying more, more, more.  This is the abundance of the soul and of surrounding yourself with things that make your life better.  It is about having an environment where you feel safe and cared for.  And that environment is different for every person.  I have not been working on my environment lately as I have been so exhausted and so busy.  However, I am starting to wonder if I have it backwards and I need to spend time investing in  myself and my space in order to feel better.

The message about over mothering is also key for me today as I know I overmother the kids and I do things for them that they should be doing themselves.

Where: I’m sitting in my cozy living room this morning with the doggos.  Wendy is in the WenDen (i.e. the Hov) and Clark is snuggled up on the couch.  It is a lazy Sunday morning and I’m going to finish my school work and settle in to enjoy the day.

Weather:  It is cold and a little rainy out, but that makes it the perfect day to just snuggle in.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 94

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:30am / 7: 39 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Book: Surrounded by the riches of the earth, embodiment of the earth

Guidance:  Enjoy the senses and share with others

Journaling

Even though the highs are still straying into the 80s here in Cleveland, it is beginning to feel like Autumn.  The last week, I’ve felt a shift in the air as the nights are getting chillier, the flowers have that wild and crazy vibe I always equate with the last days of summer, and the stores are selling back to school supplies.  This time of year reminds me of the summer that Luke and I spent living on the North Side of Chicago.  John and I had separated earlier in the year, then I’d gotten let go from my job because of my erratic behavior after our separation.  Luke and I had a lot of time to wander around Chicago and I remember walking in our Andersonville neighborhood and seeing all the wild and crazy flowers.   I was sad, but Luke gave me a reason to go on as I had to get up and feed him and take care of him.  He was my reason to live and my lifeline that summer.

I can’t believe it has been two years since he passed away (July 30, 2017).  I remember that day so clearly as the night before he had been insistent on sleeping upstairs with me even though he hadn’t gone upstairs in a few months and had slept on the couch.  When I got up in the morning, he couldn’t make it down the stairs and Cam and I had to put in him a blanket and carry him.  We ended up taking him to the vet and making the humane decision to euthanize him.  His last act of agency was to lay down in the sun so he felt it on his face.  After we called Sean so he could say goodbye, Luke died with his head on my leg and looking at Cam.  We were brokenhearted, but we knew it was the right thing to be.

This will always be a time of endings and beginnings for me

March 21, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Grounded, centered, stable

Book:  Holding all elements in balance, generous, open, warm and open person

Guidance:  Be practical, stay grounded, be patient and pragmatic, take care of yourself

Journaling

This card is a reminder to stay balanced and patient.  These are things that I’m often not good at.  I am impatient and I want things when I want them.  I’m also feeling like I have been waiting for something to happen for eight years and I’m ready to move on and have love in my life. 

It feels as if I have made no progress in the past eight years.  However, I know that that is not true because I’ve become more loving and independent.  And when I do the work to stay grounded, I’m in a much better place. My problem is that sometimes, I don’t remember to stay grounded and focused and I lose my peace of mind.

December 25, 2018

I am in such a place of peace lately and even when I find myself out there in the dumps, I’m much more able to pull myself back and remind myself that it is not all horrible.  Overall, life is pretty good.  I just need to remind myself to be balanced.  I’ve done a much better job of that lately, but I  am still not perfect.  I guess that just like everyone else, I am a work in progress.

November 6, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Grounded mature, financially responsible

Book:  Strong, self contained, confidence, creating a life filled with beauty

Guidance:  Maintain the joy in creativity, be wise and not just frugal

Journaling

What an auspicious card to draw on my birthday.  The Queen of Pentacles is grounded and mature and who I want to be in my life.  I’m making progress, but I have to work on my body.  That is the one area where I feel I don’t have control.  I am so addicted to sugar.  I just eat it without even thinking.  I believe it is because my life is not sweet and I eat sugar to compensate.

September 1, 2018

I am finally taking definitive action on my sugar addiction.  I’ve started tracking my food diligently and although I am totally feeling horrible today, I know that it will get better.  I also have been working hard to treat myself with more compassion and that’s hard because I am so used to beating myself up and being unkind.  It is a journey, but a journey that is important and worth taking.

November 1, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Not being open, feeling needy, not connected to the earth

Book:  Feeling uprooted and off center, withholding hospitality, consumed by work, becoming a homebody, shutting out family and friends

Guidance:  Find balance, let go of worry, trust your instincts

Journaling

This represents where I’m at today as I’m feeling out of sorts and out of balance  It feels as if I am spending all my time working and don’t have time to have a relationship.  I feel depleted and as if I am overwhelmed at work.

I know I have to actually make the effort to change things and meet people and create the balance I deserve.  I’m just not 100 percent sure how to do that.

May 27, 2018

I’m not exactly sure where I’m at on this today.  I’m not even sure if I want to meet people or if that is pressure from other people talking.  Most of the time, I’m actually pretty fine with where my life is and I’m really learning to let go of the need to follow everyone else’s drum beat.  I mostly like being my own person and having time for me.  There are days I’m not even sure I want a relationship because it is nice to be my own person and not have to share decision making.  I can be selfish and make the right decisions for me without having to take someone else’s opinion into account.  That is kind of a nice place to be.

 October 27, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I love this card as the queen is so peaceful and she is allowing her emotions to flow without drowning in them.  

Book:  Be authentic.  All feelings are acceptable if we own them.

Guidance:   Let your feelings flow, but don’t wallow in them

Journaling:

What I take from this image is that the Queen is recognizing and validating her feelings by letting them flow and not damning them up, but she is not drowning in them.  She is choosing to let them flow.  In the past, I have gone to extremes and have either wallowed in my feelings or I have damned them up until they overwhelmed me.  I needed this reminder to let them flow.  Sometimes that is especially hard with difficult emotions as I’m so afraid of them that I dam them up, then they come out and overwhelm me.  Next time I feel overwhelming emotions, I’m going to conjure this card up.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and it was a pretty good day at work.  I got a lot done and then we took the doggos for a walk after work.  They were pretty good.  However, sometime after our walk, Wendy managed to hurt her leg.  We’re not sure what happened as she was fine, but then she ended up limping

Weather:  The weather is beautiful out today.  It is a crisp and just a little bit cool autumn day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 5%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:50 / 6:29

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October 6, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I have always loved this card as it speaks to serenity and being present in the moment.  I actually did not realize until today that she was wearing a tiara.

Book:  Be authentic.  All feelings are acceptable if we own them.

Guidance:   Feel your feelings

Journaling:

This is so true.  I remember right after my divorce when I was in so much pain, but I was so afraid to feel my feelings that I stuffed them.  Until I could no longer stuff them anymore.  Then I let them come out.  I remember sitting on the steps of the Pabst Mansion in Milwaukee crying my eyes out.  I was so afraid, so lonely, so angry.  I just cried and cried and cried.  And even though it hurt, it felt so much better to let it all out than to bottle it all up.  I left feeling so refreshed, so empty, and so much lighter.

Since then I have worked to feel my feelings and not to stuff them.  The last few days I have been feeling so sad and despondent.  I don’t know why I feel that way, but I have been working to honor my feelings.  I think part of it is that I have not been getting enough sleep and when I don’t get enough sleep, my emotions get all messed up.  I am hoping that I get good sleep in Allentown.

Where I’m At:  I worked all day, then went out for dinner  with the Open Table Group.  It was actually really nice to go out with a group and have a conversation.  I love my kids, but sometimes it is nice to spend time with people other than my family.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out.  It was a little chilly, but nice outside.  I walked around downtown.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 86%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:27 / 7:01

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August 31, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Flower of Cups

First Impressions:  I love how the crane manages to look shy and demure, yet powerful.  There is a great sense of peace and contemplation in this card.

Book:  I navigate with refined attunement to myself and others.

Guidance:   See the ambiguities of a situation with clarity

Journaling:

This card is a reminder not to hide all the dark feelings that I’m feeling.  It is a reminder that it is okay to be angry.  It’s okay to be sad.  And it is okay to not want to make this change.  All of those feelings are okay and even though this move makes sense from a logical perspective.  It is okay that it doesn’t make sense from an emotional perspective.  

I guess I really need to delve into my feelings because they are impacting me physically since my stomach is in knots.  I am feeling supremely disrespected.  How Brian handled this was wrong and disrespectful.  He could have had a conversation with me.  Instead he was too afraid to do that so he is ignoring me.  I don’t give a rat’s ass about his heart problems.  Those are his problem and not mine.  A leader would say that he is happy for me or sad to see me go or something.  Instead he’s being an ass.  He was wrong to bring David in.  He was wrong to cancel the project the way that he did.  He is an idiot and eventually it will bite him in the ass.  I am also feeling all the sexism at work.  We have all the old white men as leaders and they keep everyone else out.  It is total garbage, but that’s the way it is.  Brian doesn’t have his job because he adds value.  He has the job because he is an old white guy who plays the game.

I’m sad about leaving.  I’ve gotten to do things that I really enjoy at the bird.  I like the Category Management piece of my job and I’m really good at it.  It makes me sad to think about leaving.  I also really enjoy the people that I work with so I’m going to be sad to not being doing that anymore.  I also really enjoy working on projects and requirements.  I don’t want to just do change management and I don’t think anyone understands that.  I’d rather do BA work.

I just need to realize that every transition is both happy and sad and that it is really okay that I feel this way.  It will all work out.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today as I didn’t have to go into the office.  I’m also in a very low place today.  I’m not sure why I am so sad, but I am.  A lot of people have been so nice and supportive of my leaving, that it makes it really hard to think about going.  There are really a lot of good people at the Bird, but I can’t stay based on how I’ve been treated.  I won’t be disrespected.

Weather:  It was a nice day today.  It wasn’t too hot or too cold.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 17%

Sunrise / Sunset: 

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 August 22, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the beautiful white rose she is holding up and he red roses on her dress.  She’s also holding a chalice.  This queen is looking straight ahead and she has warmth in her heart.

Book:  Affectionate and faithful wife, marital devotion, aesthetic and clairvoyant, marriage, advantage, pleasure

Guidance:   Know your own heart

Journaling:

Knowing my own heart is something I’ve been working on for a while.  Getting rid of my need to be with X has really helped me to figure out who I want to be.  Although there is a big part of me that really wants someone to love and be with on a regular basis, I also don’t want to be controlled or have someone think they can dominate me.

It’s been interesting as I’ve been watching old movies and tv shows and I never realized how much sexism and misogamy is in those old shows.  Even ones that purport to show women in position of power, really don’t.  Women are always treated as second class citizens and that’s something I don’t want any part of.  I am strong and amazing and I don’t need to be treated like I’m not.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and I’m happy.  I’m starting to feel like a human being today and I’ve gotten some good sleep.

Weather:  It was a beautiful and warm day.  The rain has stopped, but it hasn’t gotten too hot.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 20%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:41 / 8:16

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July 28, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  This is an absolutely beautiful card and I really feel her as the queen of her emotions.  The one thing that is a little strange is that the primary color on this is red, which to me is a color of anger, but they way this card is done it is calming and beautiful

Book:  Marriage, holy woman, control of emotions

Guidance:   Be a sweet and loving badass

Journaling:

The story of Judith kind of inspires me as she was a sweet and loving badass.  She took care of her own.  My Grandma Elda was a sweet, but loving badass as well.  She took care of us and loved us, but she also course corrected when need be.  In my heart of hearts, she is the person I want to be.  My house is no where near as clean as hers, but that’s because I work full time.  I do work to cook and take care of my family like she did and I’m going to spend most of the next week cleaning my house.  

Where I’m At:  I was in the office today and it was a strange day.  I was in meetings most of the day, but I bopped out to do another meeting and to talk to Greg about the project.  He is not happy with how everything went down.

Weather:  It was overcast and muggy today, but not too hot

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:15 / 8:49

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June 24, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card looks like Mary as the Queen of Heaven.  I love the flowers in the background and the heron and swan at her feet.  She looks kind, but also like she means business.

Book:  Compassion, boundaries, intuition, sympathy, understanding

Guidance:   Create boundaries that support filling your own cup before helping others

Journaling:

I needed to hear this as there is a big part of me that wants to rush off and dash headfirst into the abortion wars.  However, I need a to sit back, take a pause, and figure out the best way I can support the movement.  I don’t believe that protesting works, but there are other ways I can help support abortion rights.  I need to just put it out there that I want to do my part and pray that the solution will come my way.

For right now, I need to take care of myself.  I need to pray, meditate, and do what I can do to put myself in a healthy mindspace.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home and I’m sad, furious, and feeling useless.  The fucking assholes on SCOTUS overturned Roe.  We knew it was coming, but it still feels like a body blow.  I don’t know what I can do, but I am sad and angry.  I don’t believe that protests work, but I don’t know where else to spend my energy.

Weather:  It was actually a beautiful day out today as it wasn’t too hot or too cold.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 18%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:51 / 9:05

June 25, 2022

It’s interesting as after I wrote this, I found an article in Cleveland.com about groups helping women fund abortion and one of them was a faith based group.  I’m going to start putting together a spreadsheet listing faith based pro and anti groups.  That will be an awesome foundation for my dissertation.

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First impressions:  Filling my cup 

Book:  Accepting the flow of all emotions,

Guidance: Be authentic for all feelings are acceptable if we own them, be authentically in the moment with what is

Journaling

I love this reminder to be authentic with our emotions and to own them.  My gut reaction to that statement is that sometimes it is too easy to wallow in our emotions.  However, when I am really honest with myself, the emotions that I wallow in are those that I don’t understand.  When I am confused and feeling like I’m sad, but I’m really angry, I tend to wallow.  I wallowed a lot when John left because I was so overwhelmed and I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling. In retrospect, I really don’t think that I was wallowing as much as much as I was seeking attention because I didn’t think I was strong enough to survive on my own.  I was looking for someone to take care of me, because I didn’t think I could take care of myself.  I also was uncomfortable at acknowledging that self loathing was a big part of what I was feeling at that time.  I didn’t like how I looked, what I did, or who I was.  At the heart of who I was was a great big pile of uncomfortable shame.  And that was definitely not something I wanted to acknowledge.

When I am truly honest with myself, I know that I was playing the victim because I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me and I wanted someone to validate my feelings.  The kids are quick to point out that I obsess over things and when I take a step back, I realize that when I am obsessing I am wanting someone to validate my point of view or my emotions.  That is a symptom of my childhood where I was taught that my opinion didn’t matter and that my thoughts only mattered if someone else validated them.  I am very slowly learning that that is not true, but it is still difficult sometimes to accept that my thoughts and opinions are valid and that I don’t need anyone else to validate me.

What I have learned in the past eight years is that if I am honest and acknowledge my feelings right away, I don’t get overwhelmed with them.  However, I did get overwhelmed when I wasn’t honest about what I was feeling and when I let everything pile up and pile up.  I had all of this garbage deep in my soul and when my resistance finally broke down and I let it all out, it was very scary.

Hag of Water Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Hag of Water

First Impressions:  Just glancing at this card, it appeared as if Ran was feeding birds, but then I realized that she was underwater and that there was a person falling into the water.  Overall this card gives me a sense of despair and grief.

Book:  Goddess of the sea who claims lives when she is bored.

Guidance:  Surrender to the sea to find her hidden places, stop fighting the tide, make offerings to the depths, embrace our ability, you know where you belong, accept it.

Journaling:

The day I originally journaled I was really upset with my daughter for wanting to go on a walk when I didn’t want to and for her playing the expert.  I wrote a whole lot of really nasty things that I don’t want to repeat here🙁.  The bottom line is thought that I should have maintained better boundaries and not let myself get talked into going with her. 

December 27, 2017

The stuff I originally wrote is exactly the reason I decided to put my journals online and to sanitize them.  Writing all the garbage I wrote felt really good, but at the end of the day it would have served no one to have her read it.  We are human beings and even though we all love each other, there are times when the kids get on my nerves and I’m sure there are times that I get on their nerves.  It’s been a little jittery to have the kids home over the holidays as I was looking forward to cleaning and chilling and that’s harder to do with everyone here.

However, this is their home and I want them to know it is their home so it would be horrible for me to put up arbitrary rules and say they can’t be in the living room because I want it to be quiet.  That would be mean and I’m not going to do it.  We will just all compromise and it will all work out.

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October 16, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions: Emotional fulfillment, happiness

Book:  Nurturing, warm, tender, sympathetic, intuitive, strong people skills, charisma, over thinking, over protective

Guidance:  Nurture yourself, trust your intuition, pull back from our emotions and do not let yourself drown in them

Journaling

I was able to step back and look at my emotions without getting bogged down in them.  I’m learning that sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is to acknowledge what I’m feeling.  I spend so much time wearing a mask and pretending that life is okay but when I am truly honest with myself, I’m able to have the feelings and let them go without holding on to them.  I was able to I was scared without fear or shame and that was huge.

May 25, 2018

I have become so much better at nurturing myself and being kind to myself when I am feeling sad or lonely.  Before I was all about beating myself and berating myself for having “negative” emotions, however the more I have distanced myself from my mother and the more I have worked to find compassion for myself, the more I am able to accept all of who I am without judging myself.  That’s not to say it isn’t easy or that there are not days when I don’t still beat myself up, but mostly I’m able to take a step back and say that it is okay and love myself.  I’m realizing that at the end of the day, the only person I truly will always have in my life is me and that I need to be kind to myself.

October 25, 2022

Deck:  Six of Wands  

First Impressions:  

Book:  Allow yourself to be led out of the dark dungeons of your mind, toward a golden outcome.

Guidance:   Accept help to move out of the doldrums

Journaling:

I actually really like the meaning of this card and it helps me to put my friendship with Blaze in a different light.  He was a good friend when I needed him to be and he helped me to get out of my disastrous marriage by modeling what better behavior looked like.  I think I learned to love myself by seeing my strengths and weaknesses through his eyes.  He helped me understand that I was worthy of having someone care about me.  John had told me over and over and over that I was basically a piece of shit on his shoe.  Nothing I ever did was good enough, or so it seemed.  However, after we split he told me that he deliberately worked to bring me down because “I needed to be taken down a few pegs.”  I really didn’t, but his own insecurities couldn’t stand competing with someone who was competent.

I’ve also realized through a lot of contemplation that B and I probably would not have been good together.  Once I stopped needing to be saved, our relationship wasn’t going to work.  He knew my strength before I did.  I’m finally at the point that I can look back on our friendship with fondness and not regret.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and I worked hard.  I did run out to the store to get some sushi and soda.  It was kind of rainy and icky, but I don’t mind as it is one of those days you just feel like snuggling in and being with the ones you love.

Weather:  It was a little rainy and cold today.  The doggos did not want to go outside and were quite content being couch potatoes.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:49/6:30

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August 18, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Six of Batons

First Impressions:  This card doesn’t give the sense of achievement that the RWS six of wands does with a figure riding triumphantly back into town.

Book:  Wreath of victory, worthy achievement, fulfillment, pleasing news

Guidance:   Success through activity

Journaling:

I love the reminder that true success comes through activity.  There are so many pagans who just think they can do magick and things will come to them.  That’s not true.  True magick requires both activity and intent.  Doing magick can provide the intent, but you still need to do the physical work.  I built my PhD board, but I still have to review articles, read the material, and continue to work on manifesting what I want.

I know I deserve good things in my life.  And I also realize that on some level that sounds arrogant, but it is the truth and it has taken me  a long ass time to realize that.  I do deserve good things in life and I am going to do what I can to get them.  That doesn’t mean I’ll screw other people or be mean, but I will do magick, I will set my intent, and I will work for what I deserve.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and I got viscously ill.  I could barely get out of bed and I was just so tired and achy.  I’ve got a cough and all I want to do is sleep.

Weather:  It is another nice day.  However, it is too chilly out for Wendy.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 57%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:35/ 8:24

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April 29, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Celebration, approval, being above the fray

Book:  Victory, confidence, leadership, glory

Guidance:  Glory is of no use to the dead

Journaling:

There is a dichotomy in this card as on the surface it is about accolades and achievements, but it is also about feeling good about yourself and genuine pride in oneself.  I’m learning that pride in oneself is not a bad thing.  It is perfectly okay to feel good about oneself and what one does.

The kicker for me is that glory is of no use to the dead.  That is a reminder that glory really doesn’t matter.  What matters is being a good person, taking care of those you love, and doing what matters.  We still need to make sure we pay our bills, but making millions doesn’t necessarily make one happy.

Where:  I’m sitting alone in my living room as both the doggos are upstairs.  Wendy went outside, then rushed up to Sean’s room to sleep in WB2 and Clark is still with Seano.

Weather:  It is cold, but sunny out

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 2%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:23 am / 8:23 am

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February 5, 2022

Deck: Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Pride, looking forward, comfortable in her own skin

Journaling:

I’m gonna be super honest at first glance I’m fucking pissed to pull this card today because it feels like I’m just getting told once again to be strong.  To work through things, to make it happen, even if life seems hard.  Just stand up and keep moving forward.  Well, I’m at a place where moving forward feels impossible.  I feel weak today and like all I want to do is curl up and cry.  Why don’t we celebrate being vulnerable and curling up and crying.  Why do we have this cult of strength that says we always have to be strong and we always have to set an example?  Why is it not okay to be curled in a ball crying?

As I reflect on this, I realize that being comfortable in my own skin means being comfortable crying and being vulnerable.  It means accepting that sometimes success is as simple as getting out of bed in the morning.  It also means accepting that sometimes even when I strap on the armor, I am still in pain and vulnerable underneath and that’s okay.

Where I’m at:  I’m home today, but am virtually joining up with the tarot world to attend North Start’s virtual event.  It is exacly what I needed as I realizing that part of why I am struggling is I am missing connecting to the larger world.  I’m struggling with feeling trapped and lonely.

Mood:  I’m feeling better, but this morning I curled up in a corner and cried because I feel so lonely and as if the light will never come out.

Weather:  It is cold and crisp outside and thank fucking god it has quit snowing.  Officially it is 22 degrees out.

Moon:  Waxing Crescent

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:34/5:47

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January 9, 2019

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Pride, strength, this is a proud female warrior, I love how her horse is adorned.  Knowing what you want and who you are.

Book:  Victory, pride, achievement, reward, fame

Guidance:  Seek your own path and recognition for your own deeds

Journaling

When I first started reading tarot, I thought this card was about the external recognition and about arrogance.  However, the more I reflect on it, I realize it is about being your own person and making your own way in the world.  It is about having confidence in your abilities.

I am finally at a point in my life when I am feeling confident in my own abilities and am trusting my own judgement.  I think that is way Y pisses me off so much as she is constantly questioning what I do.  However, the more I reflect on the situation, the more I realize that her questioning is about her own self-doubt.  She feels that if we are doing something different, than someone has to be doing something wrong.  And that is absolutely not the case, there can be multiple ways of achieving something and in a lot of instances there is no right or wrong way, there is just different.

This has been a really hard lesson for me to learn because I always thought that there was a right way and a wrong way and that either I was doing it wrong or someone else was.  However, the truth is that there are lots of ways to get to the same destination.  

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September 3, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions  Triple Goddess, Lighting Someone Else’s Flame

Book:  Triple Goddess of Creativity, lighting flames of inspiration

Guidance:  Be an inspiration

Journaling:

The ability to inspire others is important, but the ability to form communities where everyone inspires everyone else is equally important.  In some ways my little family is that community where people inspire each other.  Sean is such an inspiration and I honestly don’t know how he does it as he works, then goes to the gym when he gets off work at midnight.  He goes to the gym most every day and walks the dogs and he has seen so much progress in losing weight.  And while the weight loss is inspiring in and of itself, I think almost the best part is seeing his increased confidence and seeing how he is starting to value himself instead of calling himself “fat one” or talking about himself as stupid.  It has been amazing to see him grow and change and become a better version of himself.  Cam is another inspiration as she has battled so much adversity in her life, but she just keeps plugging away.  I know it is really hard for her some days, but she gets up and does the best she can. 

I can’t take total credit for my children’s makeover as they had to find the courage deep within themselves to decide to make a change, but I hope that my willingness to work hard for what I want and to work to make a better life for all of us has inspired them in some way.  There have been days it has been incredibly difficult to keep getting up and moving forward, but despite the hardships, I have kept working on myself.  The best thing is that I’ve seen myself becoming more confident and more self assured.  I’ve realized that I do have worth and value and I am starting to be proud of who I have become.

What I am learning as I continue to work with the tarot is that the cards I sometimes have difficulty with are the cards that I really need to study and reflect on.  This card was one of them because I thought it was about self promotion, but I’m realizing that valuing myself and having confidence can be an inspiration for others.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the kind words from Jimmy

I’m grateful for the support from Jamie and Ted on my job description

I’m grateful that Cam is doing well at school

I’m grateful that Sean is doing well and is speaking more positively about himself

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May 30, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Triumphant, accolades

Book:  Arrival of good news, mark a moment of glory, self confidence forged the path for victory, achievements honored by others

Guidance:  Enjoy your time in the limelight for what its worth, but know that glory fades

Journaling

This is another card that I’ve had a love and hate relationship as on the one hand it strikes me as self promotion and ego, but what I have come to realize over the years is that there is a difference between self confidence and ego.  Self confidence says that I am good at what I know and I know it and ego says I am better than you and I know it.  Self confidence leaves room for others to be good at what they do as well, while ego means that there is only enough room for one person to get the glory.  John (my ex) always used to say I was constantly in competition with him and had to be the best.  I always denied it, but looking back I realize that it was true.  I did have to be the best with him because he was always trying to bring me down a notch.  He even admitted as such in the horrible days after he’d announced he wanted a divorce but before he moved out.  I’ve thought about that a lot and I’ve realized that in his mind there was only good and bad, there was no room for both of us to be good at something.  He always had to compete with me and if I wanted to write, he wanted to write as well and be better than me.

I’ve realized in the days since my divorce that there is room at the top for everyone and that there doesn’t always have to be a best.  Sometimes one person is good at one thing and someone else is good at something else and they compliment each other.  I’ve also finally come to realize that I do have something to offer the world and that I don’t have to sacrifice myself to be good at what I do.  There are a lot of people who think I’ve done the impossible at itelligence by actually starting an OCM practice that is starting to be successful.  I don’t know if I’m the only person who could have been successful at starting an OCM practice at this very stubborn and hard to change company, but I do know that it required grit and tenancity and those are things I’ve always had in spades.

Another thing that I’ve realized from reflecting on the six of wands, is that it is okay to let other people build you up.  I’ve always thought that the only way to get self worth was to have innate self worth, but I’ve realized that sometimes hearing the praise of others can help you build your own self confidence.  Looking back and reflecting on my life, that makes sense because I let other people (namely John and Charlene (the person who gave birth to me)) erode my self confidence, so why wouldn’t it make sense that other people could help build me up and help me have self confidence?

Exercise

Take some time to reflect upon your awesomeness.

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April 14, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Celebrate achievements

Book:  Healing after a minor victory, value of achieving something, time for self confidence and pride in leadership

Guidance:  Be sure what you are struggling to achieve is worth the time.  choose the opportunities that offer the most good

Affirmation:  I am confident in my abilities

Journaling

Intereeting meaning of this card.  Most meanings focus on the aspects of victory and success.  Also receiving good news.

This card is good for me to receive because I tend to downplay my accomplishments and think that anyone could do them.  In reality, that’s not true.  I am unique and special and I am capable of good things.  My problem is that I let other people get in my head.  John was toxic for me for so long and watching that Chicago Justice last night was chilling.  John is the poor man’s version of that jerk.  He preys on people and uses and abuses them.

It is becoming more and more clar to me that a lot of the issues I still have are related to his verbal abuse.  He continually put me down and my self esteem plummeted.  I became thess than for him and I never should have done that for anyone.  John and my mother Charlene were the perfect dynamically shitty duo for someone like me who already had low self esteem.  She convinced me that I had to stay married at all costs and he convinced me that I was worthless.   Well, I’m not worthless.  I am a pretty amazing human being and I deserve all the good things that life has to offer.

I deserve this amazing house.  I deserve my salary.  I deserve to have friends.  I deserve to have love.  I deserve to travel.  I deserve to have my kid’s love and respect.  I deserve happiness.  I deserve to respect myself.  I deserve to have all these things and it doesn’t matter what my mother Charlene or John says.  They are both pathetic excuses for human beings.  I deserve more.

Wow!  This feels like such an amazin breakthrough.  It’s eally weird to feel like my eyes are opened and the garbage is stripped away.  I feel like the two of them stole so much of my life.  I wonder what life would have been like without those two assholes.  What would life had been like if I had grown up in a supportive family who encouraged me to be anything.  My family life was truly like the crab’s who work to keep other crab’s down by pulling them back into the bucket.  This was my family.  Anytime I tried to escape, they pulled me back in with guilt and shame.

April 17, 2017 Update

Although I wouldn’t wish having my upbringing or marraige on anyone, it has given me a unique viewpoint and unique strengths.  Because of my upbringing, I’m in a position to be compassionate and to think beore I speak.  I have also been guided by strength and trust.

January 9, 2022 Revisit

It’s interesting as I read back over my journaling through the years as I realize that I have really used the tarot to coach myself and guide myself through hurdles.  Working through the abuse from my mother Charlene was difficult as initially it was so hard to see that she really did abuse me.  On the surface, she was a decent mother, but when you look below the surface, the abuse becomes so obvious.  She worked diligently to destroy my self esteem and sense of self.  I am so fortunate, that I survived with at least some sense of self intact.

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September 17, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card Name:  Six of Rods

Immediate Impressions:  This conquering hero is wearing a laurel wreath as a symbol of victor.  His helmet is gold and one of the rods holds a wreath in celebration.  The sun is shining over the entire scene providing light and energy and seeming to celebrate with the returning hero.  My immediate response to the card is that it is a card of victory, homecoming, and provides a sense of completion.

Book:  Victory and success through one’s own efforts.  Mastery of the self.  Leadership.  Victory but not satisfaction.

Guidance:  Enjoy your victory

Journaling

I’m not sure why I pulled this card today as I don’t feel victorious.  I feel totally beaten down by lie and trapped.  I’m not sure what the victory could be.  Maybe the key is to take myself out of the moment and work to see the bigger picture.

When I do that, I am able to see that overall I have a wonderful life that I truly love.  I’m also choosing to remind myself that none of the drama at work is my drama.  This is all Gateway’s Drama and my job is to stay out of the insanity.

It is also a victory that I understand how detrimental the drama is.

December 22, 2017 Revisit

More lessons in drama and victory.  I let myself get all swirly this week over work stuff.  There was a reorganization and I’m not thrilled that I have a new boss.  The rational part of me knows that Joe will have more time to spend on building an OCM practice.  I know he believes in and supports OCM, but my initial gut reaction was negative and my mind wandered to the question of whether or not I should look for a new job.  That has always been my go-to reaction in the past when there was a change.  I never stuck around to see if it was going to be positive or negative.  I just left.  And that is what my scaredy cat little self wants to do this go round.   However, I’ve decided that this time I’m not going to run screaming.  I’m going to face my fears and stay and see what happens.

October 25, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I love this card as she speaks to the radiant power of the sun.  She is soaking up the power of the sun, but also radiating her own power.

Book:  Recognize your own worth and charismatically radiate it toward others. 

Guidance:   Own your power

Journaling:

I love this reminder to own my own power and be my own person.  For a lot of my life I have done what others told me to do or lived my life according to others expectations, but I’ve learned that I need to claim my life and live according to my expectations and my wants and needs.  I need to own who I am.  And that includes owning the things I do well and owning  my mistakes.  

This has been a difficult lesson for me because my mother taught me to live life for others and not myself.  However, all that gets you is a life of servitude and misery.  Living life for myself and not relying on others may be more risky and may be more challenging, but it means the risks and the rewards are mine.  All that living for others gets you is to be too afraid to do anything and  not truly owning who you are.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and I got a lot done.  After work, Cam and I walked the doggos up to PetSmart and let them pick out treats.  We also got them a puppachino at Starbucks and they enjoyed scarfing them up.

Weather:  It was another beautiful day today!  It was a little chilly, but the sun was shining and the air was clear and just a little crisp

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:48/6:31

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 September 9, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Flower of Wands

First Impressions:  I love this card.  The Raven is so queenly and so in control of her domain.

Book:  I share my creative magic with the world around me.  I make my own way and I thrive.

Guidance:   My inner knowing moves me through the world with self respect and confidence.

Journaling:

I love this card and what it represents.  It is about being unabashedly myself and being who I really am.  And sending that letter to Brian was an act of courage.  I know there are people who will think that it was blowing up the bridge, but I’m tired of not speaking my truth.  My email was not abusive or rude and I spoke my truth.  The part that I have to realize is that my job was to send the email, his job is to receive it.  Whether or not he receives it, is not my problem.  And whether or not he gets upset about it, is not my problem.  

There are so many lessons I’m realizing lately.  The first is that I do not need to be grateful to a company for having a job.  That is an exchange of energy.  They do not give me a job out of the goodness of their heart.  They give me a job and pay my salary because I am good at what I do and they need me.  We get so caught up in not burning bridges and leaving on good terms, that we give way too much power to the employer.  I am a valuable resource and Asshat did not treat me well.  I have a right to speak my mind.  If I was getting fired, they would tell me what I did that was unacceptable, so I am within my purview to tell him exactly what I think.  And if the bridge is burned, so be it.  

Where I’m At:  It is my last day at Nestle and I took my computer in and dropped it off.  I also left a book titled Bad Leadership in the common area with a big sticky with asshole’s name on it.  My hope is that it will sit there until someone gives it to him.  I know super passive aggressive, but it gave me a little thrill.  I also wrote him an email that blasted him for being a very poor leader.  Best part of the email is that he now knows I complained about him to HR.  I’m sure that nothing will come of it, but it felt good and that’s all that matters.  Part of the reason that it felt so good is that I channeled my inner Medusa and spoke my truth.

Weather:  It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside.  The temperature is perfect and the sun is shining just enough.  I had so much fun driving to Solon with the roof down and the music blaring.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:59 / 7:47

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August 8, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Queen of Batons

First Impressions:  I love this card as she really looks like what I would think of when I think about a queen.  She has the red and ermine robes and a wand / scepter.  However, it is a like weird that her wand is “just” a branch and not more fancy.  I also love her green slippers.

Book:  Chatelaine, Mistress of the House, country woman, independent

Guidance:   Own your sovereignty

Journaling:

Interesting reading today as I had not connected Nephthys with any specific tarot card until today.  The use of the term Mistress of the House in this reading really struck me as that is one of the terms used to refer to Nephthys.  Her life mirrors mine in some ways as she was also married to an abusive man and she became the mistress of the house.  I think one of the reasons that I rejected Nephthys when she first came to me was because she was an independent and solo woman and I never wanted to be solo.  I thought I needed a man to survive and the idea of being independent was incredibly scary.  I had been raised to believe that I should think about a career only if I ended up alone.  That should not be my first priority.

However, the funny thing about that is that I never wanted to be supported by a man.  I always wanted to take care of myself and I think that in some ways that doomed my marriage because John’s ego was destroyed when I started making significantly more than him.  The worst periods in our marriage were when I made a lot more than him.  That should have clued me in, but it didn’t.  It was the 80s and 90s and I had been brought up to believe that the man should make more than the woman so I accepted that his ego was more important than my self esteem.

In some ways, life has come full circle because now I don’t know if I even want to be with someone.  I like my independence and I like not having to consult with someone on life choices.  There are times it would be nice to have someone to hang out with, but I like not having to “answer to someone.”

Where I’m At:  It’s the penultimate day of my PTO and I’m sitting here in the still messy living room thinking about the things I got done and the things I didn’t.  I’ve gotten the wood room mostly cleaned up, made progress on my bedroom, but the kitchen and dining room are still a mess.  However, I just keep reminding myself that I’m doing the best that I can.

Weather:  It is warm outside and it’s gonna rain.  The funny thing is that it is not too humid out, but it still looks like rain.  The wind is also picking up.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 82

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:26/ 8:36

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 July 11, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess tarot

First Impressions:  I love her dress and this card reminds me of strength with the lion beside her.  I also love how the raven is looking at her

Book:  Fortitude, Energy, Autonomy, Integration, Light Your Fire and Others

Guidance:   Trust yourself and your intuition

Journaling:

This card is a reminder that my life is my own and that I am the main character in my own life.  I can set an example and help others, but ultimately I need to make decisions about my life based on my own self interest.  If staying at the Nest is in my own best interest even though Bitch M is a horrible person, my job is to figure out how to let go of all her bullshit

I need to consider all the aspects of leaving the Nest and do what is right for me.  I need to claim my sovereignty and let go of the need to please everyone and live my life for others.

Where I’m At:  It was a travel day today and it was miserable.  I was supposed to get to KC about 6:30, but because of travel delays I didn’t get there until almost 5.  I was stuck at the Dallas Airport for five hours as my flight was cancelled.  I was utterly dead on my feet by the time I arrived.

Weather:  The weather was awesome when I left Cleveland as it was just warm and not super hot, but it was hot and muggy when I got to KC about midnight.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 92

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:01 / 9:02

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Strength, wildness

Book:  Inspires and leads others to their own creativity and power

Guidance:  Recognize your own worth and  radiate it to others

Journaling

One of the things I’m most proud of over the past 8 years is that I have started to really claim and own my value.  After so many years of being beaten down by my mother, then John, I had really started to believe that I had no worth or value other than what I could do for others.  I automatically assumed everyone else’s opinions about me were valid and I had no worth of my own.  Even though there were times when I would call people who had feedback stupid, I always took it to heart and it eroded a little bit of my soul.  However, since leaving John, I’ve started to realize that I do have worth and value just for being me and that I can choose to accept someone else’s opinion of me or I can choose to disagree.

Today was an interesting day as Scott had given me feedback that OV did not think I was a cultural fit for their organization.  Instead of letting myself be devalued and viewing myself as defective, I was able to own my strength and own my value and realize that this was not a value judgement and that it did not mean I did not have worth and value.  Instead it is about being a fit for a situation and even though I disagree with how they want their project to be run and even though I would advise them differently, ultimately it is your choice and I would rather know now than to get into the project and have clashes.  This lets me move on and work with clients who do value me and my approach and them find someone who fits for their culture.

July 13, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Card:  Sibyl of Wands

First Impressions:  Wendy, contentment, soaking up the sun, planning

Book:  Fires of the hearth, loyalty, generous, passion, strong will, and self confidence

Guidance:  Know you have chosen the right path

Journaling

This card makes me think of my Wendy with her beautiful face tilted to the sun.  She is kind, compassionate, and generous just like the Queen of Wands.  What I love about this card is that she is sitting there content in the sun, but you can feel the passion even as she sits in the sun.  This is also a good reminder to me that passion doesn’t always have to be frenetic, sometimes passion can be knowing what you want and sitting there and waiting to receive.  This Sibyl is definitely sitting there waiting to receive and she knows she will receive.  As I look at this card, I’m reminded of the Psalm that says there is a time for everything.  There is definitely a time to be actively chasing your goals and doing the work required to get them, but there is also a time to sit back and receive and know that you have done the hard work required and that now you need to wait.

I love this give and take and it is such a good reminder that sometimes we do need to step back and let the wonderful things that the world has to offer come into our laps.  Sometimes we are recognized and all our hard work pays off and boom we receive what we need.  I know that I will move into academia and I will do the research to tie OCM and spiritual/cultural competence together.  I feel it in my bones that that is what I’m meant to do, but I just don’t know how.  The Sibyl of Wands is telling me that it is okay to sit back and wait to receive.  This is the same message that I’ve gotten from other cards that sometimes we have to do the work, then wait to receive.

Gratitudes

Walking at North Chagrin with the dogs

Hanging out at home and just chilling

Reading

Watching Anthony Bourdain

Lunch with the kids

Snuggling with Wendy

Sleeping Late

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November 14, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Loss of will

Book:  Someone destructive, limits freedom of others, rules by jealousy and possessiveness, self doubt, squashed enthusiasm, disapproval, loss of hope and self esteem, exhausted

Journaling

There are a lot of ways to read this card.  The one that most resonates with me is the loss of hope and less of energy.  That’s really where I’m at today.  I feel as if I have truly lost hope.  It doesn’t help that my energy level is really low and I feel like I’m drowning.  I also am sad and feel as if I’ve lost my self confidence.   It feels as if I will never have the happiness that I want.

July 6, 2019

I have learned so much since the day that I wrote that.  I have finally learned that my happiness is my responsibility.  It is my job to choose how I will respond to every situation that comes into my life.  I have learned that I shouldn’t wait for happiness until I have love, until I meet someone, until I lose weight, etc.  I can choose to be happy in the moment.  I can choose to be happy even though the house isn’t spotless and I don’t weight my idea weight.  I can choose to be happy even though work isn’t perfect.  Happiness truly is a choice.