October 25, 2022
Deck: Six of Wands
First Impressions:
Book: Allow yourself to be led out of the dark dungeons of your mind, toward a golden outcome.
Guidance: Accept help to move out of the doldrums
Journaling:
I actually really like the meaning of this card and it helps me to put my friendship with Blaze in a different light. He was a good friend when I needed him to be and he helped me to get out of my disastrous marriage by modeling what better behavior looked like. I think I learned to love myself by seeing my strengths and weaknesses through his eyes. He helped me understand that I was worthy of having someone care about me. John had told me over and over and over that I was basically a piece of shit on his shoe. Nothing I ever did was good enough, or so it seemed. However, after we split he told me that he deliberately worked to bring me down because “I needed to be taken down a few pegs.” I really didn’t, but his own insecurities couldn’t stand competing with someone who was competent.
I’ve also realized through a lot of contemplation that B and I probably would not have been good together. Once I stopped needing to be saved, our relationship wasn’t going to work. He knew my strength before I did. I’m finally at the point that I can look back on our friendship with fondness and not regret.
Where I’m At: I’m at home today and I worked hard. I did run out to the store to get some sushi and soda. It was kind of rainy and icky, but I don’t mind as it is one of those days you just feel like snuggling in and being with the ones you love.
Weather: It was a little rainy and cold today. The doggos did not want to go outside and were quite content being couch potatoes.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 1%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:49/6:30
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August 18, 2022
Deck: Secrets of the Rose Tarot
Card Name: Six of Batons
First Impressions: This card doesn’t give the sense of achievement that the RWS six of wands does with a figure riding triumphantly back into town.
Book: Wreath of victory, worthy achievement, fulfillment, pleasing news
Guidance: Success through activity
Journaling:
I love the reminder that true success comes through activity. There are so many pagans who just think they can do magick and things will come to them. That’s not true. True magick requires both activity and intent. Doing magick can provide the intent, but you still need to do the physical work. I built my PhD board, but I still have to review articles, read the material, and continue to work on manifesting what I want.
I know I deserve good things in my life. And I also realize that on some level that sounds arrogant, but it is the truth and it has taken me a long ass time to realize that. I do deserve good things in life and I am going to do what I can to get them. That doesn’t mean I’ll screw other people or be mean, but I will do magick, I will set my intent, and I will work for what I deserve.
Where I’m At: I’m at home today and I got viscously ill. I could barely get out of bed and I was just so tired and achy. I’ve got a cough and all I want to do is sleep.
Weather: It is another nice day. However, it is too chilly out for Wendy.
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous 57%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:35/ 8:24
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April 29, 2022
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Celebration, approval, being above the fray
Book: Victory, confidence, leadership, glory
Guidance: Glory is of no use to the dead
Journaling:
There is a dichotomy in this card as on the surface it is about accolades and achievements, but it is also about feeling good about yourself and genuine pride in oneself. I’m learning that pride in oneself is not a bad thing. It is perfectly okay to feel good about oneself and what one does.
The kicker for me is that glory is of no use to the dead. That is a reminder that glory really doesn’t matter. What matters is being a good person, taking care of those you love, and doing what matters. We still need to make sure we pay our bills, but making millions doesn’t necessarily make one happy.
Where: I’m sitting alone in my living room as both the doggos are upstairs. Wendy went outside, then rushed up to Sean’s room to sleep in WB2 and Clark is still with Seano.
Weather: It is cold, but sunny out
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 2%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:23 am / 8:23 am
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February 5, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: Pride, looking forward, comfortable in her own skin
Journaling:
I’m gonna be super honest at first glance I’m fucking pissed to pull this card today because it feels like I’m just getting told once again to be strong. To work through things, to make it happen, even if life seems hard. Just stand up and keep moving forward. Well, I’m at a place where moving forward feels impossible. I feel weak today and like all I want to do is curl up and cry. Why don’t we celebrate being vulnerable and curling up and crying. Why do we have this cult of strength that says we always have to be strong and we always have to set an example? Why is it not okay to be curled in a ball crying?
As I reflect on this, I realize that being comfortable in my own skin means being comfortable crying and being vulnerable. It means accepting that sometimes success is as simple as getting out of bed in the morning. It also means accepting that sometimes even when I strap on the armor, I am still in pain and vulnerable underneath and that’s okay.
Where I’m at: I’m home today, but am virtually joining up with the tarot world to attend North Start’s virtual event. It is exacly what I needed as I realizing that part of why I am struggling is I am missing connecting to the larger world. I’m struggling with feeling trapped and lonely.
Mood: I’m feeling better, but this morning I curled up in a corner and cried because I feel so lonely and as if the light will never come out.
Weather: It is cold and crisp outside and thank fucking god it has quit snowing. Officially it is 22 degrees out.
Moon: Waxing Crescent
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:34/5:47
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January 9, 2019
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: Pride, strength, this is a proud female warrior, I love how her horse is adorned. Knowing what you want and who you are.
Book: Victory, pride, achievement, reward, fame
Guidance: Seek your own path and recognition for your own deeds
Journaling
When I first started reading tarot, I thought this card was about the external recognition and about arrogance. However, the more I reflect on it, I realize it is about being your own person and making your own way in the world. It is about having confidence in your abilities.
I am finally at a point in my life when I am feeling confident in my own abilities and am trusting my own judgement. I think that is way Y pisses me off so much as she is constantly questioning what I do. However, the more I reflect on the situation, the more I realize that her questioning is about her own self-doubt. She feels that if we are doing something different, than someone has to be doing something wrong. And that is absolutely not the case, there can be multiple ways of achieving something and in a lot of instances there is no right or wrong way, there is just different.
This has been a really hard lesson for me to learn because I always thought that there was a right way and a wrong way and that either I was doing it wrong or someone else was. However, the truth is that there are lots of ways to get to the same destination.
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September 3, 2019
First Impressions Triple Goddess, Lighting Someone Else’s Flame
Book: Triple Goddess of Creativity, lighting flames of inspiration
Guidance: Be an inspiration
Journaling:
The ability to inspire others is important, but the ability to form communities where everyone inspires everyone else is equally important. In some ways my little family is that community where people inspire each other. Sean is such an inspiration and I honestly don’t know how he does it as he works, then goes to the gym when he gets off work at midnight. He goes to the gym most every day and walks the dogs and he has seen so much progress in losing weight. And while the weight loss is inspiring in and of itself, I think almost the best part is seeing his increased confidence and seeing how he is starting to value himself instead of calling himself “fat one” or talking about himself as stupid. It has been amazing to see him grow and change and become a better version of himself. Cam is another inspiration as she has battled so much adversity in her life, but she just keeps plugging away. I know it is really hard for her some days, but she gets up and does the best she can.
I can’t take total credit for my children’s makeover as they had to find the courage deep within themselves to decide to make a change, but I hope that my willingness to work hard for what I want and to work to make a better life for all of us has inspired them in some way. There have been days it has been incredibly difficult to keep getting up and moving forward, but despite the hardships, I have kept working on myself. The best thing is that I’ve seen myself becoming more confident and more self assured. I’ve realized that I do have worth and value and I am starting to be proud of who I have become.
What I am learning as I continue to work with the tarot is that the cards I sometimes have difficulty with are the cards that I really need to study and reflect on. This card was one of them because I thought it was about self promotion, but I’m realizing that valuing myself and having confidence can be an inspiration for others.
Gratitudes
I’m grateful for the kind words from Jimmy
I’m grateful for the support from Jamie and Ted on my job description
I’m grateful that Cam is doing well at school
I’m grateful that Sean is doing well and is speaking more positively about himself
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May 30, 2019
First Impressions: Triumphant, accolades
Book: Arrival of good news, mark a moment of glory, self confidence forged the path for victory, achievements honored by others
Guidance: Enjoy your time in the limelight for what its worth, but know that glory fades
Journaling
This is another card that I’ve had a love and hate relationship as on the one hand it strikes me as self promotion and ego, but what I have come to realize over the years is that there is a difference between self confidence and ego. Self confidence says that I am good at what I know and I know it and ego says I am better than you and I know it. Self confidence leaves room for others to be good at what they do as well, while ego means that there is only enough room for one person to get the glory. John (my ex) always used to say I was constantly in competition with him and had to be the best. I always denied it, but looking back I realize that it was true. I did have to be the best with him because he was always trying to bring me down a notch. He even admitted as such in the horrible days after he’d announced he wanted a divorce but before he moved out. I’ve thought about that a lot and I’ve realized that in his mind there was only good and bad, there was no room for both of us to be good at something. He always had to compete with me and if I wanted to write, he wanted to write as well and be better than me.
I’ve realized in the days since my divorce that there is room at the top for everyone and that there doesn’t always have to be a best. Sometimes one person is good at one thing and someone else is good at something else and they compliment each other. I’ve also finally come to realize that I do have something to offer the world and that I don’t have to sacrifice myself to be good at what I do. There are a lot of people who think I’ve done the impossible at itelligence by actually starting an OCM practice that is starting to be successful. I don’t know if I’m the only person who could have been successful at starting an OCM practice at this very stubborn and hard to change company, but I do know that it required grit and tenancity and those are things I’ve always had in spades.
Another thing that I’ve realized from reflecting on the six of wands, is that it is okay to let other people build you up. I’ve always thought that the only way to get self worth was to have innate self worth, but I’ve realized that sometimes hearing the praise of others can help you build your own self confidence. Looking back and reflecting on my life, that makes sense because I let other people (namely John and Charlene (the person who gave birth to me)) erode my self confidence, so why wouldn’t it make sense that other people could help build me up and help me have self confidence?
Exercise
Take some time to reflect upon your awesomeness.
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April 14, 2017
First Impressions: Celebrate achievements
Book: Healing after a minor victory, value of achieving something, time for self confidence and pride in leadership
Guidance: Be sure what you are struggling to achieve is worth the time. choose the opportunities that offer the most good
Affirmation: I am confident in my abilities
Journaling
Intereeting meaning of this card. Most meanings focus on the aspects of victory and success. Also receiving good news.
This card is good for me to receive because I tend to downplay my accomplishments and think that anyone could do them. In reality, that’s not true. I am unique and special and I am capable of good things. My problem is that I let other people get in my head. John was toxic for me for so long and watching that Chicago Justice last night was chilling. John is the poor man’s version of that jerk. He preys on people and uses and abuses them.
It is becoming more and more clar to me that a lot of the issues I still have are related to his verbal abuse. He continually put me down and my self esteem plummeted. I became thess than for him and I never should have done that for anyone. John and my mother Charlene were the perfect dynamically shitty duo for someone like me who already had low self esteem. She convinced me that I had to stay married at all costs and he convinced me that I was worthless. Well, I’m not worthless. I am a pretty amazing human being and I deserve all the good things that life has to offer.
I deserve this amazing house. I deserve my salary. I deserve to have friends. I deserve to have love. I deserve to travel. I deserve to have my kid’s love and respect. I deserve happiness. I deserve to respect myself. I deserve to have all these things and it doesn’t matter what my mother Charlene or John says. They are both pathetic excuses for human beings. I deserve more.
Wow! This feels like such an amazin breakthrough. It’s eally weird to feel like my eyes are opened and the garbage is stripped away. I feel like the two of them stole so much of my life. I wonder what life would have been like without those two assholes. What would life had been like if I had grown up in a supportive family who encouraged me to be anything. My family life was truly like the crab’s who work to keep other crab’s down by pulling them back into the bucket. This was my family. Anytime I tried to escape, they pulled me back in with guilt and shame.
April 17, 2017 Update
Although I wouldn’t wish having my upbringing or marraige on anyone, it has given me a unique viewpoint and unique strengths. Because of my upbringing, I’m in a position to be compassionate and to think beore I speak. I have also been guided by strength and trust.
January 9, 2022 Revisit
It’s interesting as I read back over my journaling through the years as I realize that I have really used the tarot to coach myself and guide myself through hurdles. Working through the abuse from my mother Charlene was difficult as initially it was so hard to see that she really did abuse me. On the surface, she was a decent mother, but when you look below the surface, the abuse becomes so obvious. She worked diligently to destroy my self esteem and sense of self. I am so fortunate, that I survived with at least some sense of self intact.
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September 17, 2016
Card Name: Six of Rods
Immediate Impressions: This conquering hero is wearing a laurel wreath as a symbol of victor. His helmet is gold and one of the rods holds a wreath in celebration. The sun is shining over the entire scene providing light and energy and seeming to celebrate with the returning hero. My immediate response to the card is that it is a card of victory, homecoming, and provides a sense of completion.
Book: Victory and success through one’s own efforts. Mastery of the self. Leadership. Victory but not satisfaction.
Guidance: Enjoy your victory
Journaling
I’m not sure why I pulled this card today as I don’t feel victorious. I feel totally beaten down by lie and trapped. I’m not sure what the victory could be. Maybe the key is to take myself out of the moment and work to see the bigger picture.
When I do that, I am able to see that overall I have a wonderful life that I truly love. I’m also choosing to remind myself that none of the drama at work is my drama. This is all Gateway’s Drama and my job is to stay out of the insanity.
It is also a victory that I understand how detrimental the drama is.
December 22, 2017 Revisit
More lessons in drama and victory. I let myself get all swirly this week over work stuff. There was a reorganization and I’m not thrilled that I have a new boss. The rational part of me knows that Joe will have more time to spend on building an OCM practice. I know he believes in and supports OCM, but my initial gut reaction was negative and my mind wandered to the question of whether or not I should look for a new job. That has always been my go-to reaction in the past when there was a change. I never stuck around to see if it was going to be positive or negative. I just left. And that is what my scaredy cat little self wants to do this go round. However, I’ve decided that this time I’m not going to run screaming. I’m going to face my fears and stay and see what happens.
Cairn by Cairn 