October 25, 2022
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: I love this card as she speaks to the radiant power of the sun. She is soaking up the power of the sun, but also radiating her own power.
Book: Recognize your own worth and charismatically radiate it toward others.
Guidance: Own your power
Journaling:
I love this reminder to own my own power and be my own person. For a lot of my life I have done what others told me to do or lived my life according to others expectations, but I’ve learned that I need to claim my life and live according to my expectations and my wants and needs. I need to own who I am. And that includes owning the things I do well and owning my mistakes.
This has been a difficult lesson for me because my mother taught me to live life for others and not myself. However, all that gets you is a life of servitude and misery. Living life for myself and not relying on others may be more risky and may be more challenging, but it means the risks and the rewards are mine. All that living for others gets you is to be too afraid to do anything and not truly owning who you are.
Where I’m At: I’m at home today and I got a lot done. After work, Cam and I walked the doggos up to PetSmart and let them pick out treats. We also got them a puppachino at Starbucks and they enjoyed scarfing them up.
Weather: It was another beautiful day today! It was a little chilly, but the sun was shining and the air was clear and just a little crisp
Moon Phase: New Moon
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:48/6:31
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September 9, 2022
Deck: The Gentle Tarot
Card Name: Flower of Wands
First Impressions: I love this card. The Raven is so queenly and so in control of her domain.
Book: I share my creative magic with the world around me. I make my own way and I thrive.
Guidance: My inner knowing moves me through the world with self respect and confidence.
Journaling:
I love this card and what it represents. It is about being unabashedly myself and being who I really am. And sending that letter to Brian was an act of courage. I know there are people who will think that it was blowing up the bridge, but I’m tired of not speaking my truth. My email was not abusive or rude and I spoke my truth. The part that I have to realize is that my job was to send the email, his job is to receive it. Whether or not he receives it, is not my problem. And whether or not he gets upset about it, is not my problem.
There are so many lessons I’m realizing lately. The first is that I do not need to be grateful to a company for having a job. That is an exchange of energy. They do not give me a job out of the goodness of their heart. They give me a job and pay my salary because I am good at what I do and they need me. We get so caught up in not burning bridges and leaving on good terms, that we give way too much power to the employer. I am a valuable resource and Asshat did not treat me well. I have a right to speak my mind. If I was getting fired, they would tell me what I did that was unacceptable, so I am within my purview to tell him exactly what I think. And if the bridge is burned, so be it.
Where I’m At: It is my last day at Nestle and I took my computer in and dropped it off. I also left a book titled Bad Leadership in the common area with a big sticky with asshole’s name on it. My hope is that it will sit there until someone gives it to him. I know super passive aggressive, but it gave me a little thrill. I also wrote him an email that blasted him for being a very poor leader. Best part of the email is that he now knows I complained about him to HR. I’m sure that nothing will come of it, but it felt good and that’s all that matters. Part of the reason that it felt so good is that I channeled my inner Medusa and spoke my truth.
Weather: It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside. The temperature is perfect and the sun is shining just enough. I had so much fun driving to Solon with the roof down and the music blaring.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 99%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:59 / 7:47
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August 8, 2022
Deck: Secrets of the Rose Tarot
Card Name: Queen of Batons
First Impressions: I love this card as she really looks like what I would think of when I think about a queen. She has the red and ermine robes and a wand / scepter. However, it is a like weird that her wand is “just” a branch and not more fancy. I also love her green slippers.
Book: Chatelaine, Mistress of the House, country woman, independent
Guidance: Own your sovereignty
Journaling:
Interesting reading today as I had not connected Nephthys with any specific tarot card until today. The use of the term Mistress of the House in this reading really struck me as that is one of the terms used to refer to Nephthys. Her life mirrors mine in some ways as she was also married to an abusive man and she became the mistress of the house. I think one of the reasons that I rejected Nephthys when she first came to me was because she was an independent and solo woman and I never wanted to be solo. I thought I needed a man to survive and the idea of being independent was incredibly scary. I had been raised to believe that I should think about a career only if I ended up alone. That should not be my first priority.
However, the funny thing about that is that I never wanted to be supported by a man. I always wanted to take care of myself and I think that in some ways that doomed my marriage because John’s ego was destroyed when I started making significantly more than him. The worst periods in our marriage were when I made a lot more than him. That should have clued me in, but it didn’t. It was the 80s and 90s and I had been brought up to believe that the man should make more than the woman so I accepted that his ego was more important than my self esteem.
In some ways, life has come full circle because now I don’t know if I even want to be with someone. I like my independence and I like not having to consult with someone on life choices. There are times it would be nice to have someone to hang out with, but I like not having to “answer to someone.”
Where I’m At: It’s the penultimate day of my PTO and I’m sitting here in the still messy living room thinking about the things I got done and the things I didn’t. I’ve gotten the wood room mostly cleaned up, made progress on my bedroom, but the kitchen and dining room are still a mess. However, I just keep reminding myself that I’m doing the best that I can.
Weather: It is warm outside and it’s gonna rain. The funny thing is that it is not too humid out, but it still looks like rain. The wind is also picking up.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 82
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:26/ 8:36
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July 11, 2022
Deck: Intuitive Night Goddess tarot
First Impressions: I love her dress and this card reminds me of strength with the lion beside her. I also love how the raven is looking at her
Book: Fortitude, Energy, Autonomy, Integration, Light Your Fire and Others
Guidance: Trust yourself and your intuition
Journaling:
This card is a reminder that my life is my own and that I am the main character in my own life. I can set an example and help others, but ultimately I need to make decisions about my life based on my own self interest. If staying at the Nest is in my own best interest even though Bitch M is a horrible person, my job is to figure out how to let go of all her bullshit
I need to consider all the aspects of leaving the Nest and do what is right for me. I need to claim my sovereignty and let go of the need to please everyone and live my life for others.
Where I’m At: It was a travel day today and it was miserable. I was supposed to get to KC about 6:30, but because of travel delays I didn’t get there until almost 5. I was stuck at the Dallas Airport for five hours as my flight was cancelled. I was utterly dead on my feet by the time I arrived.
Weather: The weather was awesome when I left Cleveland as it was just warm and not super hot, but it was hot and muggy when I got to KC about midnight.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 92
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:01 / 9:02
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Deck: Tarot of the Divine
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: Strength, wildness
Book: Inspires and leads others to their own creativity and power
Guidance: Recognize your own worth and radiate it to others
Journaling
One of the things I’m most proud of over the past 8 years is that I have started to really claim and own my value. After so many years of being beaten down by my mother, then John, I had really started to believe that I had no worth or value other than what I could do for others. I automatically assumed everyone else’s opinions about me were valid and I had no worth of my own. Even though there were times when I would call people who had feedback stupid, I always took it to heart and it eroded a little bit of my soul. However, since leaving John, I’ve started to realize that I do have worth and value just for being me and that I can choose to accept someone else’s opinion of me or I can choose to disagree.
Today was an interesting day as Scott had given me feedback that OV did not think I was a cultural fit for their organization. Instead of letting myself be devalued and viewing myself as defective, I was able to own my strength and own my value and realize that this was not a value judgement and that it did not mean I did not have worth and value. Instead it is about being a fit for a situation and even though I disagree with how they want their project to be run and even though I would advise them differently, ultimately it is your choice and I would rather know now than to get into the project and have clashes. This lets me move on and work with clients who do value me and my approach and them find someone who fits for their culture.
Book: Fires of the hearth, loyalty, generous, passion, strong will, and self confidence
Guidance: Know you have chosen the right path
Journaling
This card makes me think of my Wendy with her beautiful face tilted to the sun. She is kind, compassionate, and generous just like the Queen of Wands. What I love about this card is that she is sitting there content in the sun, but you can feel the passion even as she sits in the sun. This is also a good reminder to me that passion doesn’t always have to be frenetic, sometimes passion can be knowing what you want and sitting there and waiting to receive. This Sibyl is definitely sitting there waiting to receive and she knows she will receive. As I look at this card, I’m reminded of the Psalm that says there is a time for everything. There is definitely a time to be actively chasing your goals and doing the work required to get them, but there is also a time to sit back and receive and know that you have done the hard work required and that now you need to wait.
I love this give and take and it is such a good reminder that sometimes we do need to step back and let the wonderful things that the world has to offer come into our laps. Sometimes we are recognized and all our hard work pays off and boom we receive what we need. I know that I will move into academia and I will do the research to tie OCM and spiritual/cultural competence together. I feel it in my bones that that is what I’m meant to do, but I just don’t know how. The Sibyl of Wands is telling me that it is okay to sit back and wait to receive. This is the same message that I’ve gotten from other cards that sometimes we have to do the work, then wait to receive.
Journaling
July 6, 2019
Cairn by Cairn 