King of Cups

 October 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This card always makes me think of someone who is tipsy.  He feels like a benign drunk, but a drunk nonetheless.

Book:  You are the master of your emotions.  Bring forth all that is noble, kind, and wise.

Guidance:   Follow your passion through the storm to a bright outcome.

Journaling:

I have to step back from the image in this card to think about navigating through  my emotions and to following my passion.  This is sort of hard for me because my passions have gotten me into trouble in the past.  I have spent so much time addicted to people and things, that I haven’t always done a good job of really managing though my emotions.  I let myself get sucked down rabbit holes due to my emotions. I know that has to stop because getting sucked down rabbit holes is not healthy for me.  I also sometimes delude myself because of my codependent personality.

I know that for me personally, I cannot just allow my passion to dictate the direction I take in life.  I have to balance it with reason and a consideration of the facts.  B is a big regret in my life because I should have let go of him way sooner, but I allowed myself to be manipulated into believing that there was a possibility that we could be together.  I should have stopped the readings and manipulation way sooner.  And there are a lot of times I regret the money I spent, but I also believe there was a purpose in that spending and that it is all okay.

Where I’m At:  Cam and I went to the Farmer’s Market to pick up some veggies, we dropped the recycling off, then we went to the Cultural Gardens.  The Cultural Gardens were absolutely spectacular.  We walked through several of them and there is so much more than you can see driving by.  We learned about Hungary, about Latvia, and about several other countries.  I just love seeing the pride that people take in their home countries.

Weather:  It was an absolutely spectacular day today.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 98%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:29/6:57

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 September 29, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Harvest of Cups

First Impressions:  I love this image of a big horned sheep with the little bit of rainbow on his back.  I also feel like there is a clear sense that the big horned sheep is the master of his domain.

Book:  My spirit is already at the top of this mountain.  I simply have to meet it here.

Guidance:   Allow wisdom and compassion to guide us

Journaling:

I truly love this card and the reminder to let wisdom and compassion guide us.  I am realize as I leave my former place of employment in my rear view mirror exactly how toxic it was for me.  At heart I am very much a drama llama, but I also know that indulging in gossip and drama is not good for me.  As much as I learned from G., he was also toxic for me as he indulged in a lot of gossip and telling tales about people who were lazy and about how F*ed up some situations were.  Although I’m also learning about the politics at my new job, it isn’t in a personal way.  I can also never imagine someone telling me they are a functional alcoholic.

The farther I get away from bathing in drama, the better I am able to leave it behind and not start it.  I used to always be the one that started drama, but now there is a part of me that just wants to indulge in the drama and the BS.  However, that is not good for my serenity and it wastes so much energy.  I am working really hard to change my thought patterns and I’m glad I’m in an environment that is more conducive to that.

Where I’m At:  I was home today and it was a super busy day at work.  However, I did get a lot done and that felt good.  I also talked to Gina for a while today and it was just nice to connect with someone.  We were supposed to have Open Table, but we had connectivity issues so I talked to Kim for a bit.

Weather:  It was cool out today, but overall a nice day.  

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 14%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:19 am / 7:12 pm

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June 1, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Emotions, fluidity

Book:  Serving others, emotional stability, warm heart

Guidance: Be at home with your true feelings

Journaling:

I’ll be honest and say that my true feelings are scary right now.  I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m afraid, I’m angry.  The world seems to be going all to hell and we are so off kilter that it seems impossible to fix anything.  I don’t know what the answer is and I don’t even know if my help or hard work will fix anything.  It seems as if the problems are so much bigger than all of us.  It seems as if nothing will fix any of it.

And it seems as if I am wasting my life working in a job that serves no one.  I’m also afraid to help people because I’m afraid of absorbing other people’s emotions and taking on their pain.  I have so much pain of my own, that it feels lie taking on other people’s pain is overwhelming.  I don’t know if anything will come out of the opportunity at Metro.  I really and truly want something to come out of it, but I don’t think they’ll be able to pay me what I need to be paid.  I also don’t know what the path forward is.  All I know that I want my life to matter and right now, it doesn’t.

Where:  I’m at home today and chilling with the dogs

Weather:  It was warm outside and I laid outside in the hammock and chilled out

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 am / 8:55 pm

October 1, 2022 Thoughts

Reading this is interesting as I know a lot of the angst I was feeling was really related to the place I was working in.  I am a very empathic person and I know that when I am around toxicity I absorb it.  I have not yet learned how to be around the toxicity without absorbing it.

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Deck:  Tarot de st. Croix

First Impressions: Drunk, loving, sleepy

Book:  Feeling and expressing emotions intensely, following passion through the storms

Guidance: Be the master of your emotions

Journaling

Emotions are such a funny thing as sometimes they seem so overwhelming and as if there is no way that I can bear them.  They’re also scary and I don’t know how to bear them all and how to survive them.  I feel sometimes as if I’m trapped in a storm of emotions and as if nothing good will come out of them.  This King of Cups is not one of my favorite cards because it feels as if the king is falling over drunk and that’s not something I ever want to do again.  I like being in control of my faculties and I like waking up and remembering what I’ve done.  This card also reminds me of John and he brings out the absolute worst in me.  He makes me feel as if I am the most worthless person on the planet and that’s not a place I want to go back to.

It has taken me a really long time to learn that feelings aren’t facts and most of the time I do a good job maintaining an even keel, but there are days when it feels as if I let my emotions get the better of me and I get overwhelmed.  Part of it is that I’m totally overwhelmed at work and it feels as if I will never dig myself out of this hole that I’m in and I’m overwhelmed at school and feel as if the work will never get done.  However, I also know that it will get done and I know that no matter what i am strong enough to bear this.  And it may be that things get delayed and don’t get done as soon as I’d like them to get done, but that’s okay.  I will maintain and make it through this.

November 9, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional control

Book:  Fortunate in your achievements, there are things in your life that give you satisfaction

Guidance:  Be aware of focusing on what you don’t have, nurture your emotions

Journaling

I needed this reminder today to focus on what I have instead of what is missing from my life.  I am so blessed that we found my daughter last night, but I really want to hurt the guy who raped her.  However, she isn’t dead and that is a blessing.  I was so terrified last night.  I felt like I aged 100 years in the 30 minutes she wasn’t answering her phone.

I know that we saved her life by his knowing we were coming.  I have to admit that I am so angry and sad today.  I’m  angry that she gave a stranger a ride, I’m sad that she was hurt, and I’m so angry at him.  However, the overwhelming feeling today is gratitude that she is alive.  I’m grateful that she knows she can call me at any time and that she did.  It could have been so much worse, if the rapist hadn’t known that she had people who loved her and were looking for her.

October 27, 2018

It has been a year and I still want him dead.  The case is slowly winding its way through the court system, but as the anniversary comes up, she is getting really anxious and angry and sad.   The worst part is that I will not be here for her.  However, we will figure out a plan so that she feels supported and knows that she is loved.

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May 13, 2022

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional maturity

Book:  Surrounded by the sea of the subconscious, ability to move through , underlying mastery of emotions

Guidance:  Manage your emotions, remain detached

Affirmation:  I am aware

Journaling:

I don’t think this card is about mastering my emotions as much as it is about being detached and not letting them control me.  It is about choice and choosing how to act based on emotions. Most of my life, I have been a slave to my emotions, but I am learning that just because you feel something, it doesn’t mean you have to act on it.  I can feel emotions, but choose not to react.  I can be angry and choose to take a deep breath and release my anger.  I can choose to go about my business even if I am sad or low.  It is pretty amazing to choose how to act based on facts and not emotions.

May 14, 2016 Revisit

The last few years have been an amazing journey and although I wouldn’t wish the pain I’ve gone through on anyone, it has shaped me in a way that I don’t think anything else could have and although it is painful, I’m glad I’ve gone through this.  It has helped me to open my heart and to realize that not everything adults told me when I was growing up was true.  In fact, there is an awful lot that is just plain bullshit.  I read about women who are my age and who have accomplished amazing things and I wonder if that could have been me if I had had a supportive family instead of one that lived in the dark ages when women were chattel.  It really hurts to have been raised that way.

February 6, 2022 Revisit

As I look through the cards I have pulled over the last few years, I realize that I have rarely pulled kings.  A purely unscientific study shows I’ve pulled them a lot less than other cards.  However, as I chose the Elder of Fire, who sits in a King spot, for my card this year, it seems I have been pulling them a lot more.  I think that is a reflection of the fact that I am stepping into my power and I know that being male is no longer a precursor for power.  However, I also know that I want a different kind of power than men typically have.  I want a more collaborative and supportive type of power.