September 21, 2022
Deck: The Gentle Tarot
First Impressions: This card is beautiful. I love the butterfly on the deer’s antler and the birds on her back. It shows that wonderful, loving mother energy without being in your face.
Book: Abundance is ever present within me. I am healthy. I am wild and free. I allow my blossoming.
Guidance: Love your full self
Journaling:
I love the reminder of this card to check in with myself and take care of myself. I am not feeling well today. My throat is starting to hurt and I am just feeling rotten. Since it is only my second week on a new job, I know that I need to work today, but it is okay to take it slow and just get through what needs to be done. I’m realizing that that is okay and it is okay if work ebbs and flows as it needs to be based on demand. No one can expect me to be 100% all the time.
That’s also why I’m cutting down on the nurturing and not making dinner 7 nights a week. It is so hard to make dinner on the nights that Seano works late so I’m not going to do that anymore. He actually does a nice job of making dinner for himself and packing it so I’m going to start nurturing by enabling that behavior instead of doing the hands on nurturing. In some ways, that is a different kind of nurturing as it is nurturing someone to be a grown up instead of hands on nurturing. This type of nurturing is hard for me as it is much easier for me to be hands on. However, as Sean has pointed out multiple times, that kind of nurturing is infantilizing and destructive.
Where I’m At: I’m taking a break for lunch as I’m trying to be better about taking care of and nurturing my body at the same time that I nurture my brain. I’ve also realized that I struggle when I try to push too hard. I’ve been super exhausted lately and I really need to take care of my body and not push too hard. I’m going to try using my lunch break to do my tarot and rosary so it is a little spiritual break as well as a food break.
Weather: It was raining this morning, but it looks like it has dried up and although it is gray, it looks like the sun may start shining soon.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 18%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:11 / /7:26
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July 3, 2022
Deck: Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot
First Impressions: Fertility, fecund, life giving, supportive, part of the mountain
Book: Nature, Abundance, Bounty, Fertility
Guidance: Start creating the spaces and experiences you feel called to and destined for
Journaling:
I love this reminder about creating the spaces and experiences I feel called to and destined for. I’ve been doing that with my research and my book as I’ve been working on both. It has been slow going because i am so tired all the time, but I am working a little at a time to make progress. There are days it really does feel achingly slow, but every little bit is moving me forward. I also know that magick happens when you take real world action and do the magick so I’m doing both. It isn’t easy and there are times I wonder why I do it, but it gives me satisfaction and I guess that is enough.
Where I’m At: I’m at home today and I’m exhausted. Wendy woke me up early and I just couldn’t get back to sleep. I took a nap, but I didn’t get good sleep.
Weather: It is hot. It was cool early this morning and Wendy wouldn’t even sit outside, but it got really hot.
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent 17%
Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55 / 9:05
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April 11, 2022
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Peace, calm, creativity, beauty, being open to possibilities
Book: Nurturance, growth, potential, pleasure, fertility, nature
Guidance: Abundance blooms in joyful expressions
Journaling:
It is so interesting as I read a story from a friend right before I pulled this card about her daughter who was living with extended family. My initial reaction to the story was negative, but I pulled this card and the Lady said very clearly to me “Love Blooms and Multiplies.” It was such a very clear message and made me feel bad about always being cynical and assuming that people are out to take advantage. Being with John and being Charlene’s daughter made me see everything in a negative perspective. There are good people out there and everyone who wants or asks for help is not taking advantage. That is my perspective because of how I was raised, but it does not mean that it is reality.
The other message from this card for me is to open my heart and to let love bloom. I am so closed off and my heart is so closed. I feel like I am dying inside. I have to figure out how to open my heart and trust people. The one good thing is I feel like my connection to THEM is reopening and I am becoming more connected.
Where: I’m in Modesto today and I spent the day working out of my hotel room. There is something so nice about being cloistered in a hotel room and not having to deal with all the drama and stuff of being at home. I have to figure out how to replicate that feeling at home.
Weather: The weather is absolutely beautiful today. It is a little bit windy, but the sun is out and shining and it just feels spectacular. I know it is rainy and cold at home, but I feel so good just soaking up the warm California sun.
Moon Phase:
Sunrise / Sunset:
July 3, Update
I love this reminder to open my heart and acknowledge that there are good people out there. I am a very negative and cynical person by nature and I am always looking for how someone is going to stab me in the back. I assume that everyone is out to get me and that everything is personal and in reality it isn’t. There are good people out there who really want to help. I just have to drop my shields and let people in.
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March 30, 2022
Deck: Light Seer’s Tarot
First Impressions: Creativity, birth, nurturing
Book: creativity and creation, nurturing, abundance, empathy,
Guidance: Nourish your soul with compassion and care
Journaling:
I love the reminder to nourish my soul with compassion and care. All too often I push myself too hard because someone else needs something. I sleep on the couch because Wendy won’t move, I am out too late to pick up Sean at the airport. I travel on the redeye because I want to accommodate others. And when I do that, I suffer because it becomes harder and harder for me to recover. My body is so much more fragile than it used to be and I need to take better care of me.
Mindfulness Honey is one way that I’m doing that as forcing myself to take care of myself / meditate once a week helps me to get in the mode of doing good things for myself the rest of the time.
Where: I am at home sitting on the couch with the doggos. I’ve been working on school work and it’s been super interesting. I find when I have school work to focus on I’m much more able to let go of all the stupidity at work.
Weather: It is absolutely beautiful out. It has finally started to warm up and I went outside with Wendy and spent some time cleaning out the car.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent, 4%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am / 7:49 pm
July 3, 2022
It is so true that I am more fragile than I used to be. I feel like I am exhausted all the time and I don’t know how to counter that. I also know that it is really hard for the kids right now as they are both working third shift and that takes a toll on your body. I think I just have to accept my house won’t be as clean as I would like and I won’t get as much done as I want to.
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August 10, 2019
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: mother and child, nurturing, loving
Book: Great mother who nurtures and provides
Guidance: Open ourselves to what we need, give and receive love
Journaling
Today was a pretty incredible day and I did a good job of opening myself up to what we need to give and receive love. I opened myself up to having a good day, to being in a place to receive all the amazing blessings that I have in my life and to just be with Cam. We went to Raven & Crone in Ashville and it felt really good to be around pagans and to soak up the good energy. It’s funny how I can usually put myself into Pagan Standard Time as I was pretty annoyed when they were a few minutes late opening, but once I got in there I just let myself enjoy looking, smelling, and just being. Can and I went to the Folk Art Center and the art is just amazing as people have taken traditional Appalachian folk arts and used them to create things of beauty. We also wandered around in a little mountain town that happened to be having a festival and I got a wood spirit carving for our house.
Next stop was Bat Cave and Cam and I were able to find the mountain stream that we’d happened across 10 years earlier. We had kind of vaguely known where it was, but we knew enough that we were able to find it. We stopped at Bat Cave Apple Barn and we paid a dollar to park. Then we picked our way down the rocks until we got to the Broad River. We ended up sitting with our feet in the water and it was an amazing way to cool off. Cam later told me that she was a little afraid that I’d end up falling and breaking my head, but I made it down to the river and was incredibly proud of myself. We also wandered into a little store along the side of the road and the lady had a “pet” vulture. He wasn’t caged, but apparently he and his partner regularly visited her.
Spending the day with Cam was such a treat as she is so funny and quirky and always gives me things to think about. It was also so nice to just let go of work.
Deck: World Spirit Tarot
The message to love and care for my body is one I have been working to take to heart lately. One of my goals for 2019 was to do something physical every day. Some days that is taking a long walk with the dog, some days it is swimming, some days it is working out and laughing on the WII fit. I just have to do something. This is so different than the kamikaze goals I would have made 15 years ago where I would have set a target weight and beat myself up if I didn’t meet it by my totally unrealistic deadline. I’ve learned that I actually have very little control over whether or not I lose weight. I realize that this statement may set off a chorus of judgement from those who believe that weight loss is as simple as calories in and calories out, but I’ve learned that it really is not that simple. For me, weight loss is complicated and I’ve given up on setting a weight goal for myself. However, that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on myself. It means that instead of setting an arbitrary goal, I’m paying attention to what I eat, giving up soda, and getting some exercises every day. It also means refusing to beat myself up if my body doesn’t respond as quickly as I think it should.
Recognizing Empress energy also means celebrating the motherly instinct in all creatures and today I got a first hand glimpse of Empress energy in my dog Wendy. Wendy is a mom at heart and she loves and nurtures all creatures great and small. I knew that from the moment I met her at the pound. We had taken Clark with us to meet potential playmates and the first thing she did was kiss him. It may have been because she’d had puppies several weeks before (and no, we don’t know what happened to them) or it may just be because she is a mother at heart. She also mothers us by scolding us when we break one of “Wendy’s Rules,” which include prohibitions against working on the computer on the dining room table, going to bed too late, moving chairs around, and other random things that she thinks are improper. The problem is that there is no list of Wendy’s Rules and we don’t know that we’ve broken them until she comes, sits in front of us, and barks at us. Humans are not the only creatures she wants to mother. We took her to the dog park today and she fell in love with the puppies who had come to play.
Deck:
Herbal Tarot
Deck: Herbal Tarot
Deck: Gilded Tarot
First Impressions: Fertility, creativity
Book: No want, no need, no lack, manifestation, mother archetype, creation and passion, nurture and give birth to a project, tap into the energy of mother earth
Guidance: Nurture yourself, let your creativity flow, create beauty, take care of yourself
Journaling
What a wonderful card to pull today. This card reminds me of the beauty and wonder in the world. It also reminds me that I am capable of mothering myself. And I am reminded that throughout my life, I have chose to live. I am worthy of living and being loved and I deserve to have attachments. It was wrong of my grandmother to say not to get attached to me. I am worth being attached to and I am worth loving.
July 7, 2018 Revisit
It makes me so sad to think about my younger self going through life thinking that she wasn’t worthy of love. In a lot of ways, I think that is why I accepted John’s bullshit as deep down I did not think I was worthy of love so I was willing to settle for whatever little scraps I could get even if I paid a very high price for them. I’ve realized in the last few years that I am an amazing person and I am worthy of love. I deserve to have someone in my life who loves me and accepts me just the way I am.
It has taken me 50 years to accept and know deep in my soul that I am worthy of love, but I am and anyone who thinks differently is wrong.
Cairn by Cairn 