February 28, 2022
Deck: Light Seer’s Tarot
First Impressions: Different perspective, grasping for things one cannot achieve, looking into the light
Book: Surrendering to the will of the cosmos, a deliberate pause, letting go, acceptance, re-aligning with your heart and purpose
Guidance: Push beyond your current boundaries
Journaling:
This is a card I needed to pull today. Surrender to the will of the cosmos. I always want to control the outcomes and know the next step, but maybe I just need to surrender my need to know and just continue to do the next right thing. The next right thing is to put out there what I want and need and to surrender to what comes. Maybe I just need to accept that my current job is just job. I don’t need to be passionate about it. I don’t even need to like it a whole lot. I just need to focus on what I can control. I need to quit thinking beyond the actual work.
Eventually, things will change as long as I am focusing on what needs to be done and keeping myself open to opportunities. It may be that this job is a good place to be because I can do the stupid work and spend my own time on what matters to me.
Where I’m At: I’m sitting at home this week about to watch one of the three shows I watch this week. The house is calm and live is good.
Weather: It’s actually nice outside. It’s not too cold
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 6%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:02 am / 6:16 pm
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May 2, 2020
Pulling Burdock (The Hanged One) from The Herbcrafter’s Tarot really hit home with me as we have a burdock invasion in our backyard and it seems that nothing we do gets rid of them. We have tried digging them out, we have tried vinegar, and we’ve tried other gentle methods. The only thing we haven’t tried is poison as I refuse to poison the environment. This card is asking me to take another look at the burdock and, by extension, other areas in my life where I am frustrated and feeling adversarial. Maybe there is another way of looking at situations.
As I read deeper into the wisdom from the card, I’m advised that “challenge presents and opportunity for growth.” One possible way to get rid of the burdock is to use its leaves as mulch to help provide nutrients for the soil as burdock may be an indication that the soil is poor. That’s interesting as I was just thinking about composting and we could compost some of the burdock to improve the soil. Latisha Guthrie also advises that healing the land or the body is a long term process and I need to accept that deep change takes time and be willing to do the work.
Burdock is also an ally for the liver as it helps to clear and release toxins and my diabetes is acting up again which means that both my pancreas and liver are out of wack. It may be time to make friends with the burdock and use its wisdom.
Discovering Truth from the Sacred Traveler Oracle Cards is all about living an authentic life and living my own truth. Sometimes that’s hard for me as I think it is for a lot of other women as we have been conditioned to always make others comfortable while ignoring and downplaying our own discomfort. This card tells me that I need to be honest about who I am and what’s going on in my life, even when it is difficult.
Wow! These were some amazing cards and I’m seeing revelations opening up in my own life about how tenacity can be a good thing and a bad thing about about the importance of boundaries.
September 27, 2019
Note: This and the next few cards include a mixture of messages from the Tarot de St. Croix and Dark Goddess Tarot as I’m working through messages from this month.
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| Tarot de St. Croix |
First Impressions: Heart chakra, halo, finding balance
Book: Do something to gain a new perspective, travel into the subconscious
Dark Goddess Tarot: What has been lost lives in hidden places
Guidance: Look at life from a different perspective, surrender to what is
Guidance from the Dark Goddess Tarot: Surrender to the inexorable forces of time, get in touch with your intuition, look at symbols, look at things from a different point of view
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| Dark Goddess Tarot |
Journaling
Tiamet was the Goddess of the Month and in the Dark Goddess Tarot she is the Hanged One. As I pulled cards for this month, I was struck by a sense of dread and dislike. It made me want to throw my tarot cards out the window as the messages of the cards I pulled were deep and scary and there was so much truth that I wanted to hide and ignore the messages that I was being given. Before plunging into the reading, I needed to journal on the Goddess of the Month and on the need to surrender. Surrender is not something that I’m comfortable with as I often equate surrender with giving up and giving up is not something I like to do. In the past, I’ve fought to the death to avoid surrendering, even if surrender was the smart thing to do.
However, over the last few years I’ve learned that surrendering to circumstances or surrendering to the gods is different than surrendering to a person. In my family of origin, surrender was viewed as weakness and if you surrendered you were likely to be humiliated and abused. That lessen carried over into my marriage as we did not fight in a healthy manner instead it was escalate and humiliate until one person became submissive. There was no discussion or working things out and surrendering meant degradation. I still get trapped in that mindset sometimes and I struggle with surrendering to circumstances or other people as I am terrified of other people having dominion over me and to me surrender means giving someone dominion.
One of the things I have been learning to do, although I am far from perfect at it, is realizing that surrendering to circumstances is different than surrendering to people. When I surrender to circumstances, I am accepting what is and moving forward from a basis in reality instead of what I want to happen. When I can surrender and accept the world as it is instead of trying to bend the world to meet my happy version of reality, I’m in a much better place.
Gratitudes
I’m grateful for the good meetings with my client
I’m grateful for the beautiful weather on the drive home
I’m grateful for the Casey’s pizza
I’m grateful for getting home in time for Blue Bloods
I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy
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August 8, 2019
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: Darkness, clarity, comfortable
Book: Seeing things in a new way, finding clarity
Guidance: Travel into the unconscious
Journaling
Driving in the daytime is about seeing the sites, about looking at the scenery, about being in the world. Traveling at night is about being comfortable in the darkness. It’s about knowing that there is a great big world out there that you cannot see. Depending on the phase of the moon, you may see outlines of mountains or complete darkness. Driving in the dark means being comfortable with the unknown. It means relying on all of our senses and not just our eyesight to navigate.
Going within and navigating the terrain of our soul also means letting go of all that we know and surrendering to something greater than ourselves. It means letting go of who we are in the light and in the outside world and embracing our soul selves. It means letting go of work, of family, and being comfortable being alone with ourselves. I was never comfortable with the darkness and venturing into my soul. Before my divorce, I was filled with shame at who I was. Shame about my body, shame about my life, shame about everything I was.
However, the last eight years have been about finding myself and embracing who I truly am. I’ve discovered that I truly have a beautiful and luminous soul. I’m not perfect, but deep down I am an amazing person. And once I’ve been able to let go of most of the shame, I’m found that I am a pretty fucking amazing person. I’m finally comfortable navigating in the dark.
Gratitudes
I’m grateful for the beautiful drive home
I’m grateful for the trip down LSD
I’m grateful for my convertible
I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I’m grateful for being mostly done with my work
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June 28, 2019
Deck: World Spirit tarot
First Impressions: Isa, making choices, different perspective
Book: Suspended between the worlds, visionary, shaman, some element of your life is on hold,
Guidance: Allow yourself to be suspended for a while, be willing to give up something that no longer serves you
Journaling:
This is a card that I’ve never really meditated on before as it is a card of inaction and calls for patience. It reminds me of all the times that Scott pulled the Isa rune for me and told me that patience was required. I was going to be stuck for a while and I just needed to embrace the stillness. I’m realizing that part of the reason that I struggled to embrace the stillness was because I was afraid of what I would find there. I was afraid of finding all my ugliness and all the things I was ashamed of. Being active, kept the shame at bay and I did not have to confront all the hate and ugliness that had been heaped on me by others and myself. I did not have to confront being groped in math class and made to feel as if I was nothing for complaining. I did not have to confront the ugliness of being bullied. I did not have to confront the ugliness of the shame heaped on me by my mother. I did not have to confront the abuse by my husband. I did not have to confront each of those incidents that bit by bit stole my soul. By keeping busy and active, I could convince myself that I was worthy by contributing. If I allowed myself to stop, I would be mired in the shame and the uncalled for guilt of not being busy taking care of others.
My divorce plunged me into the darkness as my ex made it clear that I had outlived my usefulness to him and as such I had no purpose left in life. I was not good enough or worthy enough to stand on my own. The lesson I had learned from my mother and that was reinforced by my ex, that my worth came from giving to others and that if I had nothing left to give, I was worthless. I was not worthy of nice things. I was not worthy of taking care of myself. I was not worthy of any of those things. I met Erishkigal when I plunged into the darkness and she taught me compassion. She taught me that I deserved compassion from others and from myself. I learned that compassion can transform lives. Initially, I relied on compassion from others and I still did not feel that I was worthy of such love and compassion. However, as I grew more comfortable in the dark, I realized that I was worth of compassion and eventually I have begun to see that I am also worthy of love.
All the Hanged Man asks us to do is to be willing to be suspended and to let the thoughts and feelings come. He asks us to choose not to run from them and to be willing to let go of beliefs and feelings that are no longer serving us. We don’t have to give them up just yet, we just have to be willing to consider maybe possibly letting go.
January 9, 2022 Revisit
I feel incredible sadness for the little girl I once was as I read this. However, I also know that I am a product of my times and that sexual abuse of children in schools happened and continues to happen. We continue to live in a “boys will be boys” environment where boys are allowed to abuse girls with no consequences. I know I complained and nothing happened. However, I realize now that nothing happening was not about me, but was about the people who chose to do nothing. Even though it was the 1970s and 1980s, there was still a belief that boys mattered more than girls. I hope all of those people who let this happen rot in hell.
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May 29, 2019
Deck: World Spirit Tarot
First Impressions: New perspective, looking at things from someone else’s point of view
Book: Suspended between the worlds, linking heaven and earth, some element of your life is on hold, being vulnerable and questioning
Guidance: Be willing to give up some belief that no longer serves you
Journaling
I’ve learned that when I am stressed out and nothing seems to be going my way, I “other” people. I take exception with the way that other people choose to live, how they choose to behave, and generally who they are. I’ve learned that when the words “they should…” or “they shouldn’t…” go through my mind, I need to top and take a pause to figure out what’s bothering me. This is especially true when the things that are bothering me are really benign such as someone talking to loudly in the nature center or someone sitting where I want to sit. Granted, it is kind of rude to talk at the top of your lungs in a nature center, but it is also not the worst offense in the world. And the person who sat in the chair that I wanted to sit in was just as entitled to sit in the chair as I was. Once I pull myself back and remember that the world does not revolve around me, I quit “othering.”
My personality runs to extremes and if I am not “othering” other people, I am looking at things from everyone else’s perspective and ignoring my own needs. I was raised by a mother who put everyone else’s needs above hers and who expected me to do the same. My maternal grandmother had an undiagnosed mental illness and she was someone who could never be satisfied. She looked the other way when my mother’s brother abused her, she gave away my mother’s wedding gifts to the same brother, and she treated my brother and I like second class citizens. However, despite all of this, my mother was at her beck and call and would drop everything to take care of her. My father enabled my mother’s acceptance of my grandmother’s bad behavior as he preached respect your elders so I learned that your elders were to be respected at all costs.
I vowed to myself that I would never let people mistreat me because they were elders to be respected and with people outside of my family, I did a good job of standing up for myself and demanding respect. However, I let my mother mistreat me without calling her on it and I married a man who began mistreating me from shortly after we said I do. Since I had been raised to believe that unconditional love meant accepting whatever behavior someone dished out, I twisted myself into knots trying to make him happy even though at my heart I knew that someone else’s happiness was not my responsibility. As the years wore on, I became angry and bitter and ultimately he ended up leaving me. At first I was devastated, but I’ve come to realize that his leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
As I reflect upon the hanged man, I realize that I need to give up my black or white thinking. Most likely I am not always right, but the other person is not always right either. The truth is usually somewhere in the middle.
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December 24, 2017
Deck: Dark Goddess Tarot
Card Name: The Hanged One
First Impressions: I love this card because not only is she hanging upside down in water, her limbs are all akimbo and I’m not sure exactly how she is staying together in the water. The Hanged One (man) is always about changing my perspective and looking at things from a different point of view.
Book: What has been, what lives in hidden places, Goddess of the Mother, of the gods, Mother of All, existence killed by her own young.
Guidance: Surrender, but remember who you are; trust your intuition and be open to it, look at things from a different point of view.
Journaling
Surrender is such a foreign concept to me. I’ve always been someone who fights to the bloody, brutal end so the thought of surrendering and letting go always seems to me like giving up. However, past experience has taught me that when I do truly surrender to deity, amazing things happen. It is hard though because I always want to snatch back control.
Dearest Ones,
Help me to trust you enough to let go. Let me trust that I a being led and that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to work out. Let me trust you have my best intentions at heart.
January 1, 2018 Revisit
I’m still getting used to writing 2018! One thing I have learned in my life is that life does move on and that surrendering means that I don’t have to control everything. Over the past few years, my definition of surrendering has evolved from giving up total control and sitting there passively to trusting that I will be led and doing the work I need to do. It’s kind of like managing a project, I cannot control how every consultant spends every minute of their day so I need to set the structure and trust them to do what they’re supposed to do.
Trust is as difficult of a concept for me as surrender so sitting back and not micromanaging is hard for me. However, when I do sit back and trust others, things work out amazingly well.
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April 17, 2017
Deck: RWS
First Impressions: Different perspective
Book: Tree of life, define wisdom, spiritual transformation
Guidance: Personal sacrifice, being future rewards, let go of clutter, surrender
Journaling
This card is actually about sacrifice. I’m doing what needs to be done to move forward, but I’m paying a huge price for it. The fact of the matter is that I’m tired of sacrificing myself for others. I’m tired of accommodating needy clients and I jut don’t know how to change it.
January 2, 2018
I think the key is to draw clear boundaries about what is and what isn’t my responsiblity and to learn to say no without worrying about what other people think. There are times when we do need to give our all and go the extra mile, but that is not every time the client asks us too. Sometimes they just need to learn that no means no. I’ve also learned to escalate and ask for help when I need it. Those are not perfect solutions, but they are really helping me to have more peace of mind.
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December 22, 2016
Deck: Gilded Tarot
First Impressions: Stuck in one mode, unable to consider different points of view
Book; Being too self righteous, false spirituality, too preoccupied with material issues, not sharing wisdom and grace, an end to a trying time
Guidance: Show wisdom and grace to others, take back your power
Journaling
This card is hitting me today as the word’s wisdom and grace are jumping out at me. I also need to show wisdom and grace to myself. I beat myself up for my thoughts instead of just letting go and releasing them. My thoughts are my thoughts. It is only when I dwell on them that they cause me problems. I need to just let them go. I need to go back to doing a good box this year as that has truly helped.
This card is incredibly deep and I don’t know whether to read it as taking back my power or offering forgiveness and grace. Maybe it is truly both because offering grace is a way of claiming my own power. I’m no longer in a place where others have power over me This is a lot of where I’m at with X. I have given him so much power over me for so long that it feels weird to be taking back my power and my need for him. I’m also just discovered this amazing book called Change Me Prayers and I’m realizing that I need to surrender my need for control. I’ve started praying for the one who is right for me to come into my life and that is a little uncomfortable because I’m used to driving and choosing. But I need to sit back and surrender is driving me crazy.
July 8, 2018 Revisit
The theme of surrender has been coming up again and again for me. It is also something that I truly struggle with as I love to be in control Cam and I were talking today about how it is easier to surrender when you are in a plane because there is truly nothing I can do to change what happens. It is harder to surrender everyday life when I think that I should be able to change things. However, there are so many things in life that I cannot change and I cannot even influence.
I’ve actually put up an Isis altar and I’m going to work on surrendering things to her and imaging her taking things in her loving arms.
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November 26, 2016
Deck: Gilded Tarot
First Impressions: Seeing things from a different perspective
Book: Coming through a challenging experience, peace, willing to sacrifice society’s approval to be true to yourself
Guidance: Be true to yourself
Journaling
The message I’m getting is to truly stop and see things from my perspective instead of constantly looking at things from her (Charlene’s) perspective or someone else’s perspective. There is a time and place for mercy, but in order for there to be mercy, the other person has to be repentant. They have to acknowledge their sins. Charlene has never done that and she has continually pulled the I’m your mother card. She hurt me and she hurt the kids and yes she had a horrible childhood and was damaged by her mother, but she has perpetuated the pain. She knew that her mother gave me cheap crap and was hurtful, but she put me in the position of seeing her over and over and over again. She never once said that my kids matter and I’m not going to continually put them in a position to be hurt. Not only that, she knew that it was rotten to have your stuff given away and that it hurt, but she did it to Cam. She didn’t want Mike’s kid to feel bed so she gave away Cam’s shoes. I wish I would have known because I would have blasted her to hell and back and she never would have seen the kids again.
In some ways she is like a convict or wife beater who doesn’t see that their behavior is wrong or that it hurts other people. She is in denial and a big part of that is because no one has ever called her on her bullshit before. People just let her continue to get away with it. After Tony got divorced and she was abusing him by continually telling him he needed to find someone. No one told her to stop after she said hurtful things. No one told her that she was being a bitch. I’m saying no more. She may not stop and she may not acknowledge her behavior, but I will have stopped the cycle by standing up to her and making sure she knows that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not let her hurt the kids or me again.
I do not owe her anything. I’m taking care of my kids and helping them overcome the results of her abuse. that is where my energy needs to go and not back into helping her. There is a part of me that says by breaking off contact in a letter that it isn’t fair because I’m not letting her have a say, but the last time I tried to let her have a say, it failed. She just blabbed on and on about me coming to visit her and that she could come and pick me up, etc. ,etc. She treated me as if I was dirt poor and that I wasn’t coming to see her because I could not afford it. Her ego could not accept that I did not want to come and see her. She refused to acknowledge and accept that I’m an adult who is making decisions in my own best interest.
In some ways this is like when Cam was manic and kept asking to go and smoke. We would keep telling her no and she would keep saying she understood, but would go right back to asking to smoke. This is what my mother’s behavior is like. She says she understands, but she really doesn’t listen. She cannot comprehend that she did anything wrong. Instead she just goes into the I’m the mother and I know best routine. It isn’t true and I know it, but she can’t see it. I have to step back and not let myself get sucked into her crazy. I know there are people who think that I’m a horrible person for “doing this to her” and hurting my poor sick mother, but there are also people who think that murderers can be redeemed. No one can be redeemed until they take personal responsibility. She may not get it in this lifetime and she may not realize how she has hurt me and the kids, but maybe she will get it in a future lifetime.
When she messaged me on my birthday by posting totally inappropriate crap on a post I had made, I gave her the opportunity to listen and understand my point of view, but she fell right back into her passive aggressive bullshit and telling me that she “supported my lifestyle.” You mean the one where I bust my ass to support myself and the kids? The one where I’ve bought a house and taken care of myself? Not sure which lifestyle she was referring to. She does not comprehend that she might be the cause of this situation.
There are days when I feel that I should be kind to her because I would feel horrible if the kids walked away from me, but I have to remind myself that these are two very different situations. I treat my kids like adults and acknowledge when I’ve screwed up. She treats me like I’m a child who doesn’t know her own mind.
I am so proud that I have managed to break out of the cycle and create an environment of respect and civility.
July 6, 2019 Revisit
Wow! That was pretty deep and intense stuff. However, there is so much growth in that post because I actually stood up for myself and standing up for myself doesn’t always happen.
January 9, 2022 Revisit
As I learn more, I am realizing that trauma truly is generational and even though my children have mostly escaped and that my actions stopped them from being exposed to more trauma, they will still suffer from what my mother went through and I went through. There is nothing I can do about that, but I can create a better environment and I can say “not on my watch.”
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September 30, 2016
Deck: Hanson Roberts
First Impressions: This Hanged Man is hanging from a beam instead of a treat. He is surrounded by mistletoe and his eyes are wide open. There is a glow around his head as it seems he has found inner peace. This card speaks to me of surrender, contemplation, and approaching things from a different point of view.
Book: Reversal of values, patience, surrender, sacrifice, peace, freedom comes from commitment, non-resistance, new perspective.
Guidance: Let go of your striving, surrender, love yourself, trust yourself.
Journaling:
Today was all about Isa and this card was perfect as I believe that the Hanged Man is the tarot version of Isa. I need to just let go and surrender. There are things I can do nothing about and the best course of action is to let go and quit struggling. It will all fall into place.
December 23, 2017 Revisit
I am getting so much better at just surrendering and waiting. It is still a very uncomfortable place for me, but I am better at actually executing. I am someone who always wants to fix, manage, and control (thank you Al Anon for teaching me that) and sometimes there are things I cannot fix, manage, and control and I have to let go and see how it all plays out.
The shakeup at work has me a little worried, but there is nothing I can do to change what is happening. My guides are telling me to trust and that it will all work out so that’s what I’m going to do. I know that I could start frantically looking for a new job, but that’s not what I want to do. I want to stay here and to build something and my guides are telling me that this is where I belong so I’m going to stay for now.
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May 27, 2016
Deck: Gaian Tarot
Card: The Tree, pulled reversed
Book: Ego refuses to surrender, chooses to be mored in an unwinnable situation. Blocks and hangups may be frustrating. Lessons are ignored, denial, patience is called for
Journaling
It is very interesting that I drew this card today as I drew it yesterday when I asked about the job at IMG. This is a card of surrender. It is about getting out of the universe’s way and letting the magick work. This card is telling me I can be too rigid and that I need to let go of my need to control.
Stillness and reflection. This time clears a space so I can experience how the universe acts for my highest good. T his card is akin to Isa. I’m being directed to be patient and let things flow. That’s hard to do right now because I am in limbo and that’s a tough spot. However, I got a great review and am getting promoted so I have to trust. I have to trust the universe that this will all work out for my greater good.
It’s funny because one of the things I was thinking about the other day was about wanting time to heal and to work through things. Oddly, I’ve been given time to work on myself and to work through some of the remnents of grief and sadness in my life. I’m at a crossroads right now. I’m at a place of letting go of a treasured dream and needing to let go of X hurts a lot. Even though my intelect knows we would not be good together, my heart still wants for it to work out. The good thing is that I have realized that our not being together is not about me being fundamentally unlovable. he does love me, I know that in my bones, but he is too honorable to step away from the person he is with. He just keeps taking her abuse over and over because he feels that is what he is supposed to do. He sees it as making a sacrifice. In many ways, he is the hanged man as he is trapped in an uncomfortable position, but he holds the key and could walk away at any time. I think that is another lesson of the hanged man, we are co-creators of our own reality and there are some situations that we create and then believe we are stuck in.
Pulling this card is also about looking at our situations and determining whether we are keeping ourselves stuck. I know with X that I kept myself stuck. I was stubborn and refused to let go. However, in all fairness to me, I was also hurting and could not see how he could love me and not be with me. I finally realized that he does love me and that I am not unlovable. This choosing not to be with me is not about me being unloveabl or unworthy of love. I am worthy of love and happiness.
Apparently, I decided to pull a second card from an oracle deck and pulled the Camel from the Spirit Guides Deck.
Message: Trust that you have the resources to get through the challenges before you.
Journaling:
Interestingly, I pulled a spirit guides card and received the camel. One of the lines I love from the book is “cast away your fears, doubts, and hesitations whenever they arise, leaving the wounds open to the sun to be burned away. Ease your heart and mind and know that you are protected at all times.”
I love that so much. I am protected and watched over. I just have to do my part and trust them to do theirs. Right now my part is to keep working on work and on my Midwives of Change stuff and do my love spell.
Cairn by Cairn 