I’ve been procrastinating lately on finishing training material for a client. Part of it is that doing technical training material is really tedious and boring and I don’t feel like I’m learning anything. However, as I was sitting there last week trying to finish up material that I should have had done a couple of weeks earlier, I realized that I was rationing out my work because there wasn’t anything else concrete in the pipeline.
It seems that deep down in my soul, in the part that is still struggling to heal from being used and abused, I was thinking that if I finished this work and didn’t have anything else to do, I would be worthless and of no value. I’ve worked really hard to get over the belief that the only value I have for people is in what I can bring to the table, so it was a little heartbreaking to realize that deep down I still don’t realize the value I bring to the table.
My guides also told me that I was suffering from a lack of faith as it appeared I wasn’t trusting them to bring more work (and hence more money) into my life.
Although it is disappointing to realize that I still have a bunch more work to do on myself, I’m grateful that I’m at the point in my recovery where I can actually recognize these things and talk myself out of these thoughts instead of succumbing to them.
Cairn by Cairn 