When the energy in my life gets a little stagnant and nothing good seems to be coming my way, I’m a big believer in cleaning my house, getting rid of the clutter, and letting go things I no longer need. I’ll let to of clothes that are too big or too small, books I haven’t read (and know I’m not going to read), Knick-knacks and the like. It never fails to bring new things into my life. However, my Feng Shui cleaning spree has never extended to my emotional life.
A number of things lately have conspired lately to make me realize that I’m carrying around a lot of emotional baggage. Not only can I tell you my ex was abusive, I can recite in excruciating detail all the ways he’s hurt me and relish telling the tales. I can also tell you pretty much to the day all the ways my mother messed me up. And I can probably recite all the ways that perfect strangers have slighted me. I’m not only proud of my battle scars, I love ripping the scabs of so I can watch the blood ooze again and again.
Carrying around all this baggage comes with a price as it means that I judge everyone against all those nasty tales in my head. And if someone’s actions are anywhere close to those of my ex, my mother, or someone else who has slighted me, I automatically assume the worst. Someone doesn’t respond to an IM then they must not like me anymore, they’re getting ready to fire me, etc. I can never just assume that maybe they got busy and didn’t see the message. I have to pull up all those old memories, replay them in my head, and assume the worst. No wonder there’s no room in my life for any new relationships because I’m too busy reliving all those old war stories, extending my circle of distrust to everyone I meet, and drowning in my own emotional filth.
Today I’ve realized I have to make room for hope in my life and that means letting go of all the details of all the hurts of the past. It’s okay to remember not to trust my ex, but I don’t need to remember all the gory details. In order to make room for hope in my life, I spent some time today writing down happy memories. I wrote about trips to the zoo, I wrote about getting caught in the rain with my daughter, I wrote about seeing the sunset from the top of South Mountain. As I played those memories back, I smiled and realized that the happy memories were so much lighter than the war stories.
I’ve known I needed to get rid of the baggage for a while, but I don’t think I was ready yet. When I first separated from my husband, I would work to turn things around when I started reliving all the nasty memories, but that made me think reconciliation was possible and I got hurt multiple times. My marriage is far enough in the rear view mirror now that I can remember that’s not a destination that I want to revisit without having to remember all the details.
So the next time, I start down the potholed and ugly road of my past pains, I’m going to make a U-turn and consciously remind myself of good memories so that I can keep room for hope in my life.
Cairn by Cairn 