A purple haired Valkyrie rushed to my defense, unleashing her anger on the man who had not taken my subtle attempts to rebuff him seriously. I watched in both awe and disbelief as my daughter delivered a tongue-lashing to the rough looking man who had attempted to pick me up. I’d been brought up to believe that displays of anger were unbecoming and unladylike, but it seems I’d managed to raise a daughter who believed in expressing her anger even if it meant screaming F* you at the top of her lungs in a parking lot.
Anger is a double-edged sword as lashing out inappropriately can mean damaging relationships or hurting people we love who have committed minor offenses, but holding our anger in can cause us to gain weight, build resentments, and live a life immersed in a toxic soup. I’m an expert on both sides of the equation because for 22 years I alternated between holding in my rage until I could hold it no longer, then lashing out inappropriately at my children and others for inconsequential things. In the seven years since my marriage blew up, I’ve learned to better manage my anger through a four step process I call BEAR:
- Breathe
- Embrace
- Analyze
- Release
Breathe
My first step when I get so angry that I can’t see straight is to take a deep breath. Although someone may have justifiably pissed me off, that doesn’t mean I get to release all my pent up rage and frustration at them. Sometimes their action was just the tip of the action and I’m really annoyed at something else. By taking a few minutes to breathe, calm down my racing heart, and get oxygen to my brain, can mean the difference between resolving a situation and escalating it.
I have two favorite methods of breathing when I’m upset; the first is just deep breaths into my diaphragm. I should be able to see my stomach move up and down when I breathe. The second is Lamaze breathing which is two shallow breathes in (he he) and one long breath out (whoo). The reason I like Lamaze breathing is that I can’t do it very long without laughing and laughing immediately puts me in a better mood. If you’re in a meeting or another situation here Lamaze breathing might be frowned upon, you can excuse yourself to the bathroom and wash your hands in cool water while taking some deep cleansing breaths.
Embrace
The next step is to embrace my anger by realizing that it is keying me off to the fact that something is wrong in my world. In the past, I would brush off my anger because remember it wasn’t ladylike to get angry. However, I’ve learned that disavowing my anger means I push it down until I end up living in that toxic soup of unresolved anger. Embracing my anger means that I welcome it as just another emotion and I don’t judge myself for getting angry.
Embracing anger doesn’t mean I want to live my life in a cageful state, but if I don’t embrace my anger and accept it as part of me, I will feel shame for even feeling it in the first place and shame is not am emotion I want to cart around.
Analyze
Sometimes I’m angry about exactly what I think I’m angry about: the guy who cut me off in traffic, my kids leaving unwashed dishes out again, a misogynistic jerk who called me honey, etc. Other times, especially when my reaction seems disproportionate to the immediate situation, I need to look at what I’m truly feeling and what’s really bothering me.
I’ve learned that sometimes anger masks other things. During my marriage, I felt like I was constantly angry, but once I was out of the situation I realized that I was really feeling sad, lonely, and afraid. I was sad because I knew I was in a toxic situation, lonely because I had no one to talk to about it, and afraid of leaving my husband because I know that for some domestic violence victims leaving is worse than staying.
Once I’ve ascertained what I’m actually feeling, I can figure out what’s actually bothering me. Maybe I’m sad because someone in my family is sick, maybe I’m lonely because my kids are away at school, or maybe I really am livid with my kids for leaving their mess on the counter for the 1,000th time.
Release
Now that I know what’s bothering me, I can figure out how to release it. If someone has upset me, I have a choice as to whether I want to address the situation or let it go. Maybe someone cut me off in traffic and I don’t want to chase them down so I choose to release it. If someone at my office has barged into my office repeatedly, I might want to have a conversation with them and set boundaries.
Then there are those times when nothing but smashing things will do. Your boyfriend left you for another woman, your best friend stabbed you in the back, etc. One of my sure fire ways for releasing that pent up anger without getting arrested for smashing someone’s face or car is a little thing I call the Thrift Store Smash. I will gather up cheap dishes from my cupboard (you know, the chipped ones that you keep meaning to get rid of) or the thrift store, find a safe place and smash them. I will scream obscenities, call people who aren’t there names, and generally release all of my rage.
My absolute most satisfying smash was when my still husband gave our son a 12 back of Mountain Dew then ex-girlfriend had left at his house even though our son doesn’t normally drink Mountain Dew. He just didn’t want it in his house so he put in mine. I grabbed that entire six-pack, stood on a second floor balcony, and smashed every single can into the vacant lot next door. I yelled the nasty things and when I was done, I felt a whole lot better. And I went and bought my son a six pack of soda he actually liked.
When You Can’t BEAR
There will be times when you don’t have time to BEAR and you have to take action on the spot. If possible, tell the other person you are upset and you’d like to discuss the matter later. If that’s not possible, as politely as possible explain why you are upset without apologizing for your emotions and ask how you can work together to resolve the situation. I’ve found that when I am calm and rational in these situations, I can work something out because many times the other person doesn’t even realize he’s done something to upset me.
Although I don’t necessarily recommend yelling F*you like my purple haired Valkyrie did, I have to admit that sometimes with some people the best solution really is a giant F* you because some people really don’t get that what they’re doing is offensive and your only option is to go nuclear.
Cairn by Cairn 