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| Five of Swords Hanson Roberts |
First Impressions: The warrior in this card is looking straight ahead. He seems neither defeated nor smug, he just is. The people in the background look as if they are looking for mercy. Although the grass is green, the trees are leafless. Looking at the people in the back, I see defeat and exhaustion.
Book: Defeat, blame, unfair advantages, spitefulness, using more force than required, energy/power imbalance
Guidance: Be gracious, do not exclude, do not bully, let go, do not be an energy vampire
Journaling
This card was so where I was at today. Meg continues to work to sell me to Gateway even though I’ve told her the deliverables will be done, but she keeps demanding that I give her additional deliverables. I’m not sure how else to say the work is done. I’m just ready to be done with this project and being in Chicago is totally stressing me out. I do not know how to say I do not want to be here and keep my job.
What I really want is to be in someone’s arms and to be loved, but in order to do that I have to have more stability in my life.
December 23, 2017
It’s interesting to look back at where I was over a year ago. I think what truly annoyed me about the situation a year ago is that I wanted to be in the SAP space and do OCM on SAP projects, but I kept getting blocked from doing that. Meg and Jessica wanted to keep me at Gateway. Maybe I need to just be grateful that I had a job at that point in time and that I was employed.
I’m also realizing that it wasn’t the job that was getting to me, it was being in Chicago. Since I have made the decision to quit living with one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland, I’m much happier. I’m being forced to create and define a life here instead of running back to Chicago to be nurtured and nourished. It is also helping me to cut unhealthy ties as it is way easier to not be all swirly about John and what he’s doing and to not be so tied to someone who isn’t right for me no matter how much I want him to be.
Cairn by Cairn 