For the longest time I had zero self confidence. I viewed myself as fat, dumpy, not very attractive, and not a leader. I knew I was smart, but I always viewed my smarts as kind of behind the scenes smarts. I viewed myself as someone who could crunch the numbers and research the facts, but my role was to do that work, then turn it over to a “front man” who would make the presentation. I had zero confidence in my ability to persuade people.
My lack of self confidence was fed by my ex-husband who was threatened by my abilities and took every opportunity to cut me down both public and privately. He told me my degree was worthless, he told me I should get a “real job” instead of an office job. He criticized my clothes, my attitude, and everything about me. My poor little inner child believed all of his lies and abuse until I was metaphorically crying in the corner, ashamed of everything about me. When people would compliment me, I would downplay it and assume they were just being kind.
In retrospect, all the facts pointed to the fact that I was a competent, creative, and intelligent person. I continually got raises and promotions, I won an oratory award in college, I was selected to create and manage a new program at my company, but none of these facts mattered in light of the constant criticism form my then husband and the fact that I was taught growing up that women were not supposed to be strong, confident, and better than men in any way. I’m realizing now that only criticism of my ex’s hat had any validity was his criticism of my sense of style because I dressed to fade into the background. I didn’t want to be noticed.
My confidence has steadily grown over the past five years as I’ve surrounded myself with people who believe in me and who support me. I realized I’d changed when a director in my company came up to me and asked for my help managing a difficult situation. Instead of looking around to see what competent and intelligent leader she was talking to, I realized that she was talking to me and I realized that her view of me as a strong and competent leader matched my own view of who I was. It was pretty amazing to realize that I finally realized my own self worth and reconciled my inner and outer images.
I also realized that as my self confidence has grown, I’ve started developing a better sense of style. When I first got divorced, I dressed up all the time. I wore 4 inch heels because they gave me confidence and I started acquiring a jewelry collection, but I felt like a little kid playing dress up. Over the years my sense of style has evolved and I don’t always wear 4 inch heels, but when I go to work I dress up and don’t dress to fade into the background. I realized how much my style had evolved when we brought a new person onboard and she dressed like I used to dress. Drab colors, flat shoes, and no jewelry. It made me realize that the confidence I’ve acquired isn’t just about my skills, it is about who I am. I no longer need to fade into the background and even though my weight still refuses to budge, I dress in clothes that flatter my body and are attractive. And it feels good.
Cairn by Cairn 