Night and Day

The last few months have been a time of coming into the light for me and in many ways I finally realized how far I had come last night.  I moved to Cleveland last October, one of the first big decisions I’d ever made all by myself.  And I bought a house, which is a huge process in and of itself.  Moving and buying a house did wonders for my confidence as I finally started feeling as if I was a real grownup.

In a weird twist of fate, I ended up having eight weeks at home (with pay) to spend assessing my life, journaling, learning tarot, meditating, and doing a whole lot of healing and growing.  This time mirrored the almost six weeks I had off after my marriage fell apart.  I’m realizing that the six weeks I was off back in 2010 was when I went into the darkness to heal and to grow and the past eight weeks were about coming back into the light healthy, healed, and ready to move on with life.

The contrast between these two periods of my life is  like night and day:

• Peace–In 2010, my life was upended and I was incapable of being at peace with myself or anyone else.  I spent a lot of time crying, blaming God, and scheming as to how I was going to fix the situation.  My solutions ranged from killing myself, killing him, running off to live in the middle of nowhere, and a lot of other insanity.  This year, I was at peace with where I am in life.  I’m comfortable in my own skin and even though there are things I would change about myself and my life, I’m in a really good place.
• Productive–That period of my life was incredibly unproductive.  There were days where I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed if I hadn’t had a dog to take care of.  In contrast, I’ve spent my time off this year putting together my patio furniture, planting, cleaning house, and writing.  I wrote and launched Boudica Rising:  23 Days to Reclaiming Your Inner Warrior, got my Website up and running, and I’ve spent a lot of time hanging out with my kids and building our relationship.
• Hope–I had no hope during that period of life. I  could not conceive of a world full of love and laughter as all I could see was the darkness.  I’m full of hope now as I’ve realized that life is full of ups and downs, but that there are a lot of good things coming my way.
• Laughter–I sobbed so much back then that I’m pretty sure that the Lake Michigan got a little bit deeper.  My life is full of love and laughter now and so much joy.  Part of the reason I’m laughing so much is that I’ve realized that so much of what I took so seriously back then isn’t that serious at all.
• Self Acceptance–I hated myself in 2010.  I was sure that if I could just change, I could fix my marriage.  If I was slimmer, smarter, funnier, etc. things would be better.  In retrospect, I realize that the issues in my marriage weren’t caused by my weaknesses, but by my strengths.  My ex-husband was incapable of being with a strong woman. He could not handle that I made more money than him, that I was a better writer, a better parent, and better in so many ways.  His response was to try to tear me down and make me less than.  I’ve learned since then to embrace my strengths and that if someone cannot accept me for myself, that is there loss and not mine.

It was about half way through my eight weeks at home when I really realized that it was time to come into the light.  I was in cave and didn’t feel the usual comfort, instead I felt like it was time to push through the darkness and come into the light.  Since then, I’ve realized more and more than I am healed and that while I will always continue to grow, my broken heart is ready to love again.  That was driven home by the fact that I ended up in Springfield, IL this week where my ex and I had our first date and it didn’t even bother me.

The final clue that I was healed was when I had a reading last night and the reader tried to tell me that I needed to heal my fear and anxiety and I needed to continue to dig deep and heal and it would be at least 9 months before I was ready for love.  The amazing thing was that instead of letting this depress me, I called bullshit.  Everyone has healing and growth to do, but I am ready for love and I’m ready to move on.  She said I was full of fear and anxiety and while I acknowledge those moments, I’m also better equipped to set aside those fears and the anxious moments and they’re no longer debilitating, they are just a part of life.

Moving into the light feels empowering and right, but it doesn’t feel better or worse than being in the dark.  The darkness is a place of growth and healing and I know there are days when I will retreat to the darkness, but for now I’m stretching toward the light and enjoying the sunshine on my shoulders.