Meeting Nephthys: Claiming My Self Worth

Glancing in the mirror at the DeKalb Public Library one day in the early 1990s, I was stunned to see a beautiful woman standing behind me with her winged arms outstretched around me. She was only there for the blink of an eye, but I knew what I was seeing was real.  At the time I didn’t connect the beautiful winged woman with the Goddess who had been calling my name for almost a year, but a little research soon revealed a picture of Nephthys that looked like the woman in the mirror.

I’d been avoiding Nephthys call because I was terrified of all that she stood for as one of the original virgin Goddesses.  Nephthys is the mistress of the house and her mythology reads like a feminist herstory.  Nephthys is a Goddess capable of standing on her own two feet and of being there for those she loves.  However, I could not avoid Nephthys call for long because I’ve learned that at some point we have to accept  that our destiny truly is in thehands of the Gods.

In an odd sort of way, even as I avoided the independence Nephthys symbolized because I equated independence with aloneness, I was becoming more and more an independent woman even within my marriage.  When I realized that my now ex-husband would never live up to his responsibilities financially as he was more interested in drinking and partying than supporting our family, I started making career decisions based on what was best for our family without consulting him.  After we jointly agreed to a mortgage we really couldn’t afford, I took a job with significantly more travel because it offered more pay.

Unfortunately, my new found independence caused the verbal and physical abuse to escalate as my ex worked harder and harder to keep me in my place.  He attacked my appearance, he attacked my leadership qualities, he attacked my worth at a person and I took it because despite all outward appearances I still had a deep seated sense of self loathing and a belief that I wasn’t good enough and that I somehow deserved this abuse.

Recognizing my fundamental worth as a person, helped me to learn to accept all of me, my weaknesses as well as my strengths.  Like many people, women in particular, I’ve spent a lifetime not loving all of me.  A lot of my self-loathing came from growing up a child of misogyny.  I was taught that being assertive, taking charge, and questioning authority were unladylike traits.  My parents worked hard to dampen these fundamental personality traits as because of them I’d never succeed at the only thing that mattered in life:  catching a man’s eye.  I spent most of my marriage trying unsuccessfully to be less assertive, less aggressive, less bossy, less of all those traits that were less than desirable.

Denying these personality traits caused problems in all areas of my life.  I wasn’t supposed to be too assertive, creative, etc, so I tried to dampen those traits and came off as weak and unsure of myself.  The truth wasn’t that I was unsure of myself, it was that I thought I was supposed to defer to others and ask permission to do or say anything.

Denying my creativity was something else I spent years doing because I was constantly told that creative endeavors were not worth spending time on unless you were getting paid and that the only real writers and artists were those that made a living with their craft.  The last few years have taught me that there is value in spending time creating for the sheer joy of creating and that any time spent in something that gives me tremendous pleasure is not wasted time at all, but time well spent.

I have Nephthys to thank for my learning to love and accept all of me.  Although Nephthys has never appeared to me as a nurturing mother figure who gives me hugs, I’ve always known that she loved me and she has always provided me with what I need.  When I was at my lowest she reminded me of all the things I had accomplished and all the things I had to be proud of in my life.  When I was stronger and just whining about life, she became a drill sergeant and pushed me to be better and try harder.

It has only been the last few years that Nephthys has finally convinced me that those supposedly unattractive traits are not weaknesses at all, but strengths that I should be celebrating.  I should celebrate my creativity, my leadership ability, and all of the traits that other people tried so hard to cure me of.  Learning to love the personality traits that others found unattractive has also helped me to discover the beauty in my curvaceous body.  I may not be a size two, but my body is beautiful and it is the only one that I have.  I’ve found that loving my body helps me to take better care of it.

I spent way too much of my life being ashamed of my humanness because I thought I was weird, different, or unacceptable.  I had to project an image of perfection and rarely told people what was really going on in my life because I didn’t want to shatter that image of perfection.   The first person I truly let in to my life and was honest about what was going on was a coworker who I developed a close friendship with.  I found that with him I could truly be myself about what was going on in my life and he didn’t judge me or belittle me.  In many ways it was the first time I truly felt loved unconditionally and feeling loved unconditionally helped me to truly love myself.

As I came to love myself, I was able to see that my foibles were what made my human.  I’m not the only person in the world who has a messed up family, I’m not the only person who is a klutz.  Accepting and loving myself meant letting go of the shame and now when I make a mistake, I’m better able to laugh at myself, apologize if necessary, and just let go.

That ability to let go of my mistakes and move on has been incredibly healing and has helped me to know myself and others better.  I’ve also learned that the more willing I am to accept and love myself, the more willing I am to accept and love other people.