Despite my heartfelt request to find my bliss during that trip to China, I had no clue how much I needed to change my life until I found myself falling apart in Germany.
Three years ago I was traveling to Germany every month, working 70 hours a week, not spending time with my kids, and in serious danger of running full force into an emotional brick wall. My two best friends lectured me constantly that my life was out of balance and that I needed to quit working so much and find a balance between work and family. The bottom—and fortunately a glimpse into a brighter future—came during a two week trip to Europe in the spring of 2006.
I was an integral part of the installation of a new computer system at my company’s German plant, but my boss still expected me to do my day job of managing our division’s inventory. The worst was the night that after working a full day and heading out to dinner with the team, I got an email from my boss telling me that I needed to pull together some numbers as justification for a new piece of equipment for a presentation the next day. I had been doing my job so well for the last three years that he had no clue that the numbers he was asking me to pull together would take at least six hours to compile. Being the good little corporate soldier that I was, I took one for the team and headed back to the office to pull the numbers together. I finished pulling the numbers he needed together by 2 am, headed to the hotel for a few hours of sleep, and then got up and was at the office by 8:00 am. When I put it like that, it’s pretty easy to see that I was letting myself be pushed too hard.
Unfortunately, at the time I didn’t see it and I certainly didn’t see a way out. It took a lot of tears, more than few bottles of Bailey’s, and some heart felt advice (and maybe one or two kicks in the a**) to make me realize that something had to give. I couldn’t keep going like this or I was going to end up emotionally (or physically) dead, divorced, totally burned out, and with kids who hated me. I scared my friends that trip because I’d show up at dinner buzzed, I cried a lot, and I wasn’t myself. I still managed to get my job done and I was able to go from crying on my project manager’s shoulder to giving a stellar training presentation for my students, but I was dying inside.
When the project ended and it was time to head back to the States, I knew that something had to give, but I wasn’t exactly sure what or how. I wish I could say that I came back to the States and magically changed my life into one of perfect balance where I was happy and having it all. That didn’t happen, but at least I’d gotten a wake up call as to how deeply out of whack my life was, although I still didn’t have a clue as to what balance truly was.
Cairn by Cairn 